I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

A low down dirty fucking god damn shame in a pile of filth and evil

Traditionally I like to start out every column with an apology for the garbage that you are about to read. This week the apology is directed mainly at the non-americans out there who get bored every time I start talking about some kind of American shit, like presidents, etc. Presidents are what we have here instead of the Queen. We have states instead of provinces or islands, and we have astronauts instead of cosmonauts. If you have any other questions I would be glad to explain. We call them french fries for example instead of chips. Chips here are just potato chips, and we don’t have ketchup flavored or pickle flavored like you freako canadians do. Just Cool Ranch, Cheestacular, etc. They say some of our snacks are dangerously cheesy.

Now I know you guys think of americans as a bunch of fucking morons, but I want to be the first to point out that it’s NOT ON US this time. Our hands are clean. The american people had nothin to do with electing that illiterate oil shiek frat boy, black man executing son of a Panama-Iraq invading CIA madman. Everyone knows the other motherfucker won the popular vote. And as far as anybody can tell he probaly woulda won the electoral vote if they were allowed to count the votes that people turned in. I mean anybody’s guess I suppose but let’s assume the best from americans here all right.

You wanna blame somebody for the giant assfucking some of you countries are about to get – and that’s a god damn promise with this kid needing more than any president ever to prove his manhood by invading some poor bastard of a foreign country – blame some judges. I’ve had some trouble with judges in the past so it’s no surprise that five out of nine of these motherfuckers gave the republican that glorious presidential mandate that boils down to “Well, there just isn’t enough time to count the votes.”

Real, ordinary citizens, in theory, value the right to vote between the lesser of two evils. Of the minority of americans who vote, many think very seriously for months about which one of the two is going to be the least painful to vote for. Ordinary citizens would NEVER give up the right to vote, as meaningless as it would be even if all of the votes were allowed to be counted. Unless you count those retards they interview on the news saying, “Well, one way or the other, I’m glad to see it over.” Jesus you people, you’re so bored of the election coverage that you’re willing to throw away the power of voting? Can I have your absentee ballot next time? I’ll probaly just write in Dolemite, but I’m still taking democracy more seriously than you.

Still, I blame the judges for this. Because it was their political bullshit that made it all final. And do I look like a fucking judge? Am I wearing a black robe? Hell no. Am I wearing a wig? No. (I threw that one in for the brits, although our judges don’t wear wigs.) No, I am not a judge so don’t look at me, man. I’m clean on this one.

Plus, check out my new bumper sticker:

Don’t blame me, I’m a convicted
felon and am not allowed to vote.

By the way, you guys want something else to complain about from the americans, look no further than our cherished national symbol of baseball. What this is basically is a sport similar to cricket or pachinko, I believe it is called football in some countries although here it is called baseball. What it is is a version of stickball which takes alot longer, that kevin costner made a movie about once. Hard to explain but picture a sport on the boring meter somewhere below curling and just above solar car racing.

As I’ve said before I’m not a sports fan at all, unless you count bowling or cockfighting. But the local press here won’t leave it alone so I couldn’t help but find out about this Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez who was the popular player on the seatle mariner baseball team. Apparently the dude’s contract ran out or whatever and it was time to convince him to stay. The owners offered him what would have been the most money ever payed to an athlete. To give him an idea what kind of sickening richness this little bitch was about to receive, they also arranged for him to go golfing with Bill Gates and get a tour of the Boeing 747 plant. Their way of saying, “With this money, you could buy three of these jets. And crash them ON PURPOSE. I don’t fucking care, you can do ANYTHING you lucky son of a bitch, and just because you’re pretty and know how to hit a ball with a stick.”

But that kind of money is simply not enough when it comes to offering a young child of 25 years old more money than any human being could ever legitimately earn by doing anything that involves the manipulation of a small round object. I don’t care if it was the Lord Jesus Christ’s brain this kid was throwing around, you just don’t deserve those kind of riches for throwing a round thing around, ever. Anyway, the Texas Oil Shieks or whatever their team is called offered him even MORE money, so he took it.

Now look, I don’t blame the young man for taking the money. You get your dick sucked enough, you’re gonna start thinking it’s a Tootsie Pop. What I’m offended by in this scenario is the way “A-Rod” held a press conference to say hey guys, I really wanted to stay in Seattle, and I was disappointed that they only offered me a mere 180 million dollars or whatever. I felt saddened and betrayed. But they offered me no choice. This hurts me more than it hurts you. I came THIS CLOSE to slitting my wrists. THIS CLOSE.

These baseball kids have been fucking us for years now and we keep letting it happen. Couple years back the mariners threatened to leave if the city didn’t demolish their current stadium and replace it with a newer one. The taxpayers voted overwhelmingly against this scheme, and the city did it anyway, using a different set of taxes than originally suggested but of course not putting it to a vote this time.

The next year, their star player left for more money. So they got the new one, and this year he left. And these kids of course are going to go to other cities where they will help their new teams pull the “we need a new stadium” scam again.

More and more we are becoming a country that replaces beliefs and soul and heart with piles of cash. Real passion and conviction has no monetary value and has become obsolete. Nobody hits a ball or makes a movie because they want to anymore, they do it because they want to buy coke and get their dick sucked. Not that those things are unpleasant or nothing but there was a time when those were considered maybe the #2 or #3 thing in life, not #1. We let a rich kid usurp the presidency because of the rich dudes that run the courts and the election committees and one of the two clubs liked his dad. I mean jesus people what in fuck’s name, I mean christ, I mean I’m about to burst a vein here people. There doesn’t seem to be much hope for us.

Thank god america has some exciting new cinematic offerings on the horizon like the new Chow Yun Fat picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Takeshi Kitano’s Brother and… wait a minute.

oh jesus people. Give me SOMETHING. please tell me Clint Eastwood is working on something.

please americans I’m dying here.

help me.

vern.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Thursday, December 14th, 2000 at 3:15 pm and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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