VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #11 - My new discovery

December 13th, 1999

Okay I'm gonna be up front about this. I know very well what you motherfuckers expect out of me this week. I'm not stupid. You think just 'cause I'm an ex-con I'm gonna spend this whole column gushing all over that new three hour prison movie that motherfucker Tom Hanks has.

Well guess what Jack, there is more to my life than prison. To be honest I don't even want to revisit that territory anymore because who the fuck cares. I don't even want to think about prison anymore. I gotta leave all that traumatic shit behind.

Well okay no that's not true at all. Actually I just haven't seen the movie yet. It's hard to get three hours free to watch yet another Tom Hanks prison guard movie when you are a Writer like myself who is busy sculpting words or experiencing life which to be frankly honest is the most important element of a man's Writing.

I promise I will Write a review of the green mile at a later date however right now I am preoccupied with a new discovery of mine which, I gotta be honest, is much more important. So in the tradition of my life lets set the prison aside and look forward to the future.

You see, this weekend I rented a few movies on the recommendation of some rec.arts.movies.current-films guys and in these movies I discovered an unknown actor who I believe will blow that jackass Tom Hanks out of the fucking water. This is a man who has barely hit the scene however in the glimpses of him that I have seen I have detected a raw, powerful talent which I believe you also will appreciate some day.

When I tell you this man's name you will say "Who?" You will have no idea who the fuck this is. You might even think I am making him up or that he is a friend of mine whose career I am hoping to give a kick in the ass. Well hell all you gotta do is trust me on this one. If all is just in the world (and I know it's not, but what the hell) then this man will soon have a loyal cult following. People will obsess over him on the newsgroups. They will worship him. They will rent any movie that he appears in. When they talk about whose going to play Batman or Superman or Spiderman or whatever cartoon strip movie they're making now, they will say this dudes name first. They will always try to say he should be a leading man in the big movies. This dude will be called a god, like that chow young fat. He will be an icon.

The name of this dude is Mr. Bruce Campbell.

See what I mean? You never even HEARD of this dude. Until now. Write that name down. Make note of it. And remember who told you about him first. Because mark my words this man is going to be huge. When people get wind of his talents, you will almost wish they hadn't, because you will be so sick of hearing about him.

If you want to be in on this thing before anyone else, here's what you do. Go rent a little known movie by the name of Evil Dead Part 2. This was my introduction to Bruce and it is a good one. This is a very well put together little horror and it also is very funny.

Bruce plays Ash, the most unlucky motherfucker in the world, who like another famous Bruce, finds himself in the wrong building at the wrong time. In this case it is a cabin surrounded by woods that are haunted by cackling bitch demons and invisble flying camera monsters.

The movie starts out seeming pretty routine. Bruce comes into the cabin with his girlfriend, they make jokes, he plays piano. But then this movie decides fuck it man, I'm not waiting around for the usual "character development." Let's get straight to the horror. Within about five minutes the girlfriend gets possessed and Bruce cuts her head off with a shovel and at that point - it's on.

The team of filmmakers led up by a young man by the name of Mr. Sam Raimi are endlessly imaginative. I mean these motherfuckers never fucking quit with the invention and cool ideas and what not. One of my favorite parts is when Bruce's hand gets possessed and starts breaking plates over his own head and fighting himself. This is a great scene almost like Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin or whichever one of those silent movie dudes was known for this type of shit. Hilarious.

However at the same time you can see how this would be a real pisser if it happened to you and you want to see how is Bruce going to deal with this. Well I'm glad you asked because this is where Bruce proves that he is a true hero when he stabs his own hand, then saws it off and yells "Who's laughing now!?!" as the blood sprays on his face.

Finally, a character in a horror movie who has a little common sense. Usually it's hard to relate to these pussies in the horrors but this is a real standup motherfucker in my opinion.

Another scene which I heard about and decided to rent the movie is the scene where an old lady demon is in the cellar and she gets a trap door slammed on her head. Well what happens is her eyeball pops out and lands in a gal's mouth and she swallows it.

Well I agree this is a very funny cartoon type scene however maybe I don't appreciate it as much as some people due to the fact that this type of thing actually happens pretty often in the joint. As you know sharpened objects are the #1 most popular fad in all prisons. Well I don't think it's a coincidence that glass eyes are #2.

So in the can you see a lot of funny shit going on with people losing their glass eyes or playing a joke with them or whatever. In fact glass eyes are misplaced so often in the inmate society that most institutions started engraving serial numbers on the back so they can return them to the owners easily. It also helps prevent fights over glass eyes since you can easily prove who the real owner is. I know this sounds like a joke but I swear on my poor mother's grave it's true. You would be surprised how many motherfuckers serve their time, then get back into b&e or whatever, and get caught 'cause they drop their glass eye at the crime scene and it gets traced back to them by a serial number. Cons always make those type of dumbass mistakes and end up back where they came from, and that is one reason why I have decided to live a life of Positivity.

Anyway, this Sam Raimi shows a lot of potential in these evil deads unfortunately I looked him up and it turns out he's just doing baseball movies now. So lets focus on Bruce.

You see what is special about Bruce is that he is able to be a completely physical actor, combining the stunts and punishment of a Willis or a Lee with the comedy of whichever Bruce is a great physical comedian. Not many actors could pull off a fight with themselves, but that is not all Bruce does. He fights with demons, he crashes through doors, he cuts off his hand, he falls downstairs, he gets stabbed, he gets turned into a demon, he goes crazy, he flies, he falls in a puddle. Like I said this motherfucker is having a bad fucking day. And thats not even mentioning the shit that happens in part 1.

Well there is another movie where Bruce shows another side to his talents. This movie is Army of Darkness and it has so many similarities to the Evil Dead films it could almost be called an unofficial sequel. In fact his character even has the same name (!) but it takes place in the mideival knights and sorcerors type time period and although he has a chainsaw for a hand like in Evil Dead 2, he also has a robotic hand that he builds.

While in Army of Darkness Bruce continues to show his talents as an action star (riding a horse, sword fights, demon fights, skeleton fights, tiny versions of himself fights, splitting in half, etc.) he also expands his range as an Actor. There are other humans in this one so Bruce gets to talk a lot more and I tell you, he is funny. He also gets to play two characters, one of them an evil version of himself but fortunately he doesn't get too carried away or wear a fat suit like if he was Eddie Murphy.

Bruce has kind of a big ego, kind of an asshole and feels very superior to these mideivals. This makes him a funny hero and the movie is full of the "oneliner" type joke. I hope I'm not getting too carried away here, but I think he is as good or better at it than Bruce in Die Hard.

If anyone out there is lucky enough to have seen these movies, I think you know what I'm talking about. I'm sure most of you though better track these things down and check it out. Because you mark my words, one of these days movie fans are going to catch on to this guy. In fact I would not be surprised if he gets his own TV show. Then, like Bruce Willis, he will go to the big screen and although he will face the stigma of the TV actor on the big screen, he will overcome. In fact I will try to get a hold of this guy and see if he would consider an Evil Dead 3 which could be a big break through in my opinion.

So, all you cinephile motherfuckers out there, this is my gift to you for Christmas or Hannukah or Kwanza or whatever, and you deserve it. The films of Bruce Campbell. Watch them, love them. Believe me, some day soon you won't be the only one.

--Vern

 

VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #12 - You're a good motherfucker Charles Shultz

December 20th, 1999

First off this week I want to thank all the Bruce Campbell fans that Wrote to me after last week's column. Turns out there are a lot more of these motherfuckers than I anticipated and the legions are growing. I guess the big wigs are starting to catch on and their gonna do a video game, tv show, action figure, autobiography and the works for Bruce. Well i say its about fucking time in my opinion. He deserves it.

As you know this is still a very small, underground type of outlaw web sight. For example i will be surprised if that counter ever hits 5,000. And although there have been reports of a lot of discrimination against ex-cons on the web and possibly at geo cities, i do think that count is probaly accurate. If you think about it I only got about 2 hits for each year since jesus christ was born and i guess that's pretty fucking small time.

Anyway i got a lot of comments from bruce fans in the guestbook and i wanted you to know i preciate it especially a guy like me who nobody reads his sight, even at the holidays. You'd think they would mention the url to everybody they know just to help a motherfucker out but i guess that's too much to ask for.

Well hell man maybe some of you can tell this old outlaw is feeling a little bit lonely during this season of high depression rate. but don't worry about me what i'm worried about is the retirement of Mr. Charles Shulz of the Peanuts cartoon fame and the repercussions that this will have in the real world. Fuck y2k man peanuts is ending next month and this could be a plague on the face of the earth such as man has never seen.

You see mr. shulz is the cartoonist of the peanuts strips, which is where snoopy, charlie brown etc. is from. He is now retiring in his 80s due to cancer and the strip will go into reruns. they are still going to be making the cartoons although i think probaly not with all the jazz music. Although i have not read the funnies in a long time i do happen to know that this little bald kid means a lot to many people and to be frankly honest i'm feeling it a bit myself.

You see charlie is just one of those dudes where nothing goes right for them. Everybody hates this dude and for no good reason either. Lucy tricks him by pulling the football away when he's gonna kick it and then insults his intelligence by trying it again. And to make matters worse this Charlie falls for it again.

People call charlie a blockhead which is pretty fucking insulting and not even accurate considering his head is pretty damn round in my opinion. On halloween they all give him rocks instead of treats and when he's invited to the party lucy says there are two lists, the people who are invited and the people who are not invited, the lists must of been mixed up.

They make fun of his christmas tree. They make fun of his coaching. They don't appreciate his company. The adults won't even speak english to him. And even his little sister has no faith in Charlie Brown. His best friends are so distant they still call him charlie brown instead of just charlie. I feel bad for this kid.

But as linus would say "this motherfucker charlie brown is sincere and free of hypocrisy". He means well, he's never mean and he's 100% clean. But nobody gives this motherfucker a break not even the little red headed gal who he has always had a jones for.

Now what's really pretty fucking extraordinary in my opinion is that Charlie brown doesn't let all this negative shit drag him down. He may be sad and lonely a lot but he's still a good man, he goes to france, i think he might have even won the rafting race. He's a smart dude and he gets by despite the obstacles. And that's why a lot of criminals or cons can relate to this dude.

I happen to know this for a fact because although some of you may not have guessed this I myself spent some time in the correctional facility. Now some of you may have wondered "How does a hardass motherfucker like vern pick up the lord jesus christ while he's in the joint?" Well the answer is one very friendly chaplin by the name of Rick Gibson.

Now Rick Gibson was kind of a skinny little guy who couldn't really assert himself, and in any other role inside the system Rick Gibson would have been eaten alive like a steak. If he was a con - eaten a live. A screw? Eaten alive. Janitor? Eaten alive.

But when it comes to a chaplin these guys can get away with a certain amount of fruitiness due to there are always a few very muscular born again motherfuckers to protect him. And this man came in every god damn sunday and he sermonized his ass off. He was not a good preacher, he was not even a very good public speaker and the cons scared the shit out of him so his voice quivered the whole time he was talking. But still, this man knew how to fucking sermonize. And the thing is, his sermons almost always were based on a peanuts strip.

Lets say lucy is giving advice in the psychiatry booth. To Rick Gibson, this relates to the way jesus taught his disciples. A baloon that linus got could be a metaphor for the burning bush or something like that, and snoopy sneaking around looking for cookies has something to do with the sins of man or whatever. I can't think of any specific examples but this is the kind of approach Rick Gibson would take with the peanuts and religion.

For the reasons i explained earlier, every con can relate to charlie brown and of course this made rick gibson's sunday morning service very popular. To be frankly honest a lot of us started going in there just to try to get his peanuts strip at the end of the sermon. Especially the hustlers because peanuts are worth more than smokes, and every self respecting con has one or two taped up inside his cell, even if he has to take it in the backdoor in order to get it. I remember that fucking molester Encyclopedia Pete collected snoopy joe cool strips because i guess that's how he sees himself although he's a lot more like a perverted sweaty male version of marcy. If a con can relate especially strong to a particular strip they will stop at nothing to obtain it, and if you're the motherfucker who has it may god have mercy on your balls.

So my point is, after charles retires, the newspapers better not even think about stopping running the old ones because all hell is gonna break loose after a while. Newspaper gets brittle and yellow and can be torn or soaked in a scuffle. These things aren't going to last forever and eventually it's going to be a road warrior type situation, people biting out each others throats over the last few drops of peppermint patty. Let's face it cons cannot live on ziggy alone. You thought those cubans taking the warden prisoner was something just wait til you got whole prisons full of pissed off murderers who haven't seen linus in months. What the fuck you think is gonna happen? It's a time bomb waiting to happen.

Well hell man I just realized this is my last VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS before christmas and this doomsday shit sure as fuck isn't in the christmas spirit. So here I would like to re-present to you a Vern christmas classic I Wrote earlier this year. Ah shit man i'm gonna go full throttle and illustrate the motherfucker as well. i tried calling walter leno to get me some santa claus pictures or something but he must be out looking for coke or something. I guess if theres one thing i learned from the die hard trilogy its if you cant get a job done right do it yourself so thats what i'm gonna do so enjoy guys.

 

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE & THE MIRACLE OF THE CHRISTMAS EVE CHRONIC

 

Really what all this controversy reminds me of is a few Christmases ago when i was inside. this was WAY before i was clean and sober and i would smoke, eat or shoot anything i could get my hands on. At the time believe it or not some of the screws were under investigation so for almost a month there was virtually no blow or anything going around. This was a vicious drought and everybody was hungry big time. Things were REAL fucking tense in the yard, people getting in fights, arguing. two dudes getting shanked in one day a couple times. people getting nervous, paranoid from withdrawal, and just wanting some kind of buzz,even cigs were getting harder to come by.

So all the sudden this skinny dude by the name of slim or Toothpick charlie was spreading it around that he had some connection that was gonna get him some real good weed on christmas eve. nobody liked this weaselly motherfucker before but suddenly he's everybody's best friend or their fucking sweet grandmother they bring presents to. the pimps are offering him his choice of janeys on the house, etc. Nobody knows whether to believe him or not but just in case, he's on everybody's good list. Toothpick charlie, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

this went on for a couple days as christmas approached. when finally people start getting suspicious, is he really getting that chronic? we NEEEEED it. the longer we waited the more legendary it got. the expectations were growing like a fucking balloon. visions of marijuana smoke dancing in our heads.

"I heard toothpick charlie got the greatest weed on the earth. i heardd it's some prehistoric shit been growing on skull island undisturbed by man. only dinosaurs eating this shit. i heard one toke gets you high for two consecutive life sentences."

"nah, slim told me all about it, this is some secret government shit he got, genetically altered DNA type shit, to make it stronger. they use this shit to calm down berserkers so they don't eat babies and shit. what i heard this shit would KILL the dinosaurs man, i understand what your sayin but this is BETTER than skull island weed."

well whatever it was, we were dyin for this shit. When the fuck will santa get here, we're thinking. WE WANT OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

well christmas morning, we get one hour in the yard and EVERYBODY and their uncle is clowning poor slim.

"Come on slim you know i'm down. i been down with you since day one. i'm your best friend slim i always been."

"Hey toothpick what's up with christmas eve your connection come through blood?"

"PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEE santa give us our CHRONICCCC!"

Slim stands up tall and straight and narrows his eyes. Nobody ever feared this motherfucker but today he's the grinch that could steal our christmas in a second. this was a cold december morning and dudes are SWEATING from head to toe.

"Now hold on bitch," he said, "you must of misunderstood. I never said ANYTHING about no chronic."

"But the WEEEEEEEEEDDDD charlie, give us the WEEEEEEEEDDDD."

slim reaches into the back of his pants and pulls out a fat baggy of brown powder. People start whisperin, "Is that weed? What kinda weed is that slim got?"

Toothpick clears his gravelly throat and speaks in a strangled growl. "I never said it was weed specifically, or never meant it," he says. "The screws have a party every christmas eve, and i knew a way to break into the kitchen. I knew they weren't simple enough to leave us no liquor, but what the fuck they care about fresh ground eggnogg NUTMEG?"

everybody's whisperin again. "Nutmeg? What the fuck nutmeg?" "Where's slim's weed?"

What toothpick and i both knew but the rookies didn't, nutmeg when swallowed in large enough quantities mimicks the effects of smoking weed. two spoonfuls of the shit with a little bit of water, gives you a cool marijuana buzz with a side effect of mild nausea. Nobody wanted to admit it but slim was right all along.

Well needless to say that was toothpick charlie's last christmas, 'cause during a tense drought like that EVERYONE'S got a weapon. Even people who ain't in prison musta been carrying shanks that season. Even to a hardened old dude like yours truly it was kinda sad seeing them carry away this fucked up boney corpse, on christmas of all fucking days.

Me and two other vets shared the baggy and toasted to the honor of toothpick charlie, the skinny, wily ass santa claus that made our holiday season.

When charlie said "weed" everyone took him literally, but he was talking about the SPIRIT of weed, what weed is really about. who cares whether you smoke it, eat it, shove it up your ass i don't care as long as you get the high you need on a cold holiday morning in the joint.

Thanks guys
merry christmas

--Vern

 

VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #13 - Kaufman 2000

December 27, 1999

Well hell man I'm glad I ain't too superspicious a motherfucker, 'cause here it is column number 13 right at the end of the millennium. Not too pretty on the timing there.

Yeah that's right I said it. I know it's not politically correct to call the 2 triple 0 the millennium, but that's just the way I was raised bud. As for all you smart ass mathematician motherfuckers, don't get your calculators in a bunch. Let me explain something to you bud. This is the space age year of 2000! Things are changing fast, we're talking the god damn jetsons. I mean was it a dream or did i drive past albertsons the other day and they changed the name to albertsons.com?

Now listen here jack, are you telling me your gonna always think of 2000 as part of the 20th century? Part of the '90s? That 6:00 pm is part of 5 o'clock? That it turns to monday at 12:01 instead of midnight? Fuck no, you'd never say something that stupid unless you got something to prove. And personally I ain't got NOTHING to prove.

For those of you who don't know I spent some time in the correctional system, and this reminds me of a fella I knew back in those days, a very talented pimp by the name of Icy Mike. Well icy mike and I talked about a lot of topics, and I'm not lying when I tell you this pretty motherfucker swore up and down that when you say "the muppets", he doesn't think of Fozzy, Kermit, Miss Piggy and other characters specific to the Muppet show. Instead, he thinks of all puppet and animatronic characters of Jim Henson from dark crystal to big bird to the otter band tv special.

Yeah right mike, i respect you and all and you definitely have one of the better stables on the west coast but quite simply this is bullshit. You say the muppets, your talking gonzo, miss piggy, fozzy, MAYBE beaker. But not bert and ernie or cookie monster or ESPECIALLY this elmo and you fucking know it. that may be the technically correct dictionary definition or whatever but its not the common usage, nor the best one for that matter. And I think even icy would agree with me on 2000 = millennium. So zip it, jack.

Anyway guys i hope you all got your new years resolutions in place, your three week's supply of canned foods, staying away from large crowds where terrorist attacks may occur as well as had a good christmas, kwanza, hannukah, Saturday, or what the FUCK ever. Myself i may be having a VERY good millennium coming up because although my holiday was pretty fucking lonely in my opinion i did receive a package from an old partner of mine who bless his corrupt heart sent ol' Vern a DVD player for christmas. the DIVX part doesn't seem to be working possibly due to some sort of pre-Y2K type difficulties however the DVD does work. And what the hell one out of two ain't bad and it's a pretty fucking generous christmas present in my opinion even if it don't work so I'm not gonna complain.

DVD player for those of you don't know is the digital versatile disc, basically a CD that plays a movie but these little fuckers are beautiful. Beautiful picture, extra bonuses, and what is called the letterbox format which is too complicated for me to get into right now but let's just say you will like it when you see it.

Now my player didn't come with any instructions, or a box for that matter, and come to think of it -- yep, I just went and checked and that motherfucker scraped the serial numbers off the back. Oh well, that's a sign the technology is really here to stay when motherfuckers start stealing them. All hail the dvd.

So anyway lets get to it. This week i went and saw a picture by the name of The man on the moon which is the biographical story of Andy Kaufman, the comedian you may know from taxi. HOWEVER, a lot of people don't know that in his personal life Kaufman was involved in a lot of wrestling against women, etc. and thats sort of what this picture is about.

Well the man on the moon shows Kaufman as a guy so dedicated to his comedy that it was basically all he ever did. Even when he proposed to a gal it was the setup to a joke, which of course made her pretty pissed. "I am not a prop!" she yells which i believe is an in-joke referring to the elephant man. At one point he does experiment with doing a bit of dramatic work by reading the great gatsby to an audience however this is not well received and he sticks with comedy for the rest of his career. This is very similar to what walt disney did after the failure of fantasia i believe.

This movie also says that Kaufman hates sitcoms and is ashamed to be a sitcom star and if this is true this is something i have in common with Kaufman. I mean although i'm not a sitcom star myself i agree with the first part anyway. you knew what i meant, asshole, jesus.

Jim carrey is the actor who plays Kaufman and the performing is pretty fucking remarkable in my opinion. This dude does a lot of voices similar to kaufman as well as the wrestling moves. Now carrey has done quite a few movies in the past according to the internet movie data base which is a good web sight for researching my columns in my opinion. most of this stuff i haven't seen however i remember this duck factory show he used to be on, Love at first bite and one of his earliest movies Doing time on Maple Drive we've watched in group more than once.

Now i may be going out on a limb here but I think carrey's real calling is in comedy. he does a good job in these comedy bits and for the first time i started to understand why some of the people might have thought Kaufman was pretty funny if they didn't know about the woman beating. I think if you look over his work again with this in mind you will see that he has a certain sense of comic timing and outrageous acting, even in the drama maple drive there is an absolutely hilarious scene stealer where this dude gets fed up and yells, "I've DONE my TIME on MAPLE DRIVE!!!"

Hey bud i know how you feel but i did REAL time afterwards, pussy.

Anyway my problems with the man on the moon mostly have to do with historical accuracy and whitewashing Kaufman to make him seem more palatable to american audiences. Carrey explains at the beginning that some of the events have been changed but you would be surprised how much. The most ballsy is that they show a lot of what kaufman did, such as wrestling women IN PUBLIC, and say with a straight face that it was all done as a joke or as part of the perfomance. well sorry if i don't buy it but this guy was a KNOWN asshole. Anyone who was around at the time knows that kaufman admitted multiple times in interviews that he thought he was smarter because he was from hollywood, and he thought people from the south smelled bad and didn't know how to use toilet paper. This is a man who physically assaulted more than 300 women by waving a couple hundred dollar bills in their faces. Pathetic.

This movie really gets pretty ridiculous and it gives the little prick credit for everything from performing at carnegie hall to faking his death. The filmmakers are so intent on making him look like a nice guy that after his big performance at carnegie hall, they have him load the audience up on buses and drive them to another place to have milk and cookies! They have him as so much of a saint he hangs out with Yogis, befriends all hookers and even has Santa Claus and the Mormon Tabernacle choir help out in his performance. I know it sounds like I am exaggerating but I swear to you these scenes are all in the movie and I am only scratching the surface as to the lengths these filmmakers went to erase Kaufman's bad boy reputation.

These dudes put Kaufman on such a pedestal I'm surprised they didn't say he was the first man to land on the moon as the title implies. come to think of it WHAT the fuck does that mean anyway.

So what this is in my opinion is the ultimate example of whitewashing a historical figure for a biographical movie. Its pretty common to leave some stuff out in these types of movies. larry flynt had a movie, they don't mention this guy was accused of molesting his daughter, because it makes you not want to root for him in case the allegations are true. I mean you know how molesters are treated in prison - like a god damned step child. Same thing with kaufman, except here instead of not mentioning his wrestling and what not, they explain it away as being a big joke. If you think about it its a pretty clever way to make a movie but i'm not sure its honest to be putting on an act like this, portraying this guy as someone he is not.

I hope these dudes do MY biographical story. Turns out getting caught for armed robbery was NOT a moronic mistake on my part, i was actually TRYING to get caught to prove my theory that doing time outside of maple drive gives you the life experience you need to become a great film Writer. It seems I am not only the only Cinema reviewer on the internet that has sincerely threatened to cut a man's balls off, i am also some kind of eccentric genius or outsider hero for the downtrodden or some type of corny shit like that.

Ah hell man who am I kidding I would love that. This is a very difficult role but I think I want either james coburn or charles bronson to play me. if not lets wait until Mr. bruce campbell gets to be older and rougher. (I would have said Bruce Willis but I'm sort of questioning that dude right now because I just found out from late night cable he did a movie where he's the voice of a baby.) The movie will end with my web sight winning the oscar for best picture. who the fuck cares if web sights aren't eligible its only a movie.

So anyway man, amoral as the man on the moon movie is, let's face it there is no law against being totally full of shit. And for better or worse there never will be as long as the politicians and the rich are in power. I think a lot of people will be very disappointed that the movie isn't more about taxi. But this fantasy material about his other alleged adventures is actually pretty entertaining. there is one performance by a guy by the name of tony clifton which is particularly worthwhile. i don't want to give anything away but he's really andy. Anyway this gentleman is very good in the film in my opinion and makes it almost worthwhile. it is better than say a men in black as long as you are willing to put up with some historical revisionism type shit. i would almost recommend it IF it had a title that i could make heads or tales of. But it doesn't so fuck that man go to the second run and see fight club again.

Anyway enough about that have a good one and see ya next millennium guys if you know what I mean. (next week in other words, don't worry.)

 

--Vern

P.S. I'm sorry to close the millennium out on a bummer, but I have just heard that a musical genius, a social and cultural force by the name of curtis mayfield passed away yesterday. This man's music brought great inspiration and happiness to my life and those of many others. he also recorded one of the greatest film soundtracks of all time.

I would like to dedicate this column to mr. mayfield, however considering my work that might be kind of an insult so in honor of Mr. Mayfield I do not dedicate my column to him until I am better at grammar and punctuation. Mr. Mayfield was a master when it came to shaping his emotions into pure soul music for the soul, and he has inspired me to want to improve myself in all areas, Artistic and personal.

I will probaly Write about Curtis in my next column (assuming the internet is still up and running after the big y2) but until then curtis, move on up. we love you.

 

 

Whoah, jesus man why nobody told me I put up the wrong column? Well i Wrote two columns before the big 2000 switchover deal, one for if the y2k problem was pretty bad and one for if it was no big deal. You know just to be safe. Well if you already read this and thought ol' Vern was imagining things sorry bud no cigar. put up the wrong column is all. Sorry. But other than a few inaccuracies (for example, I have not been taken prisoner by marauders) this one is still relevant in my opinion so what the hell enjoy.

 

#14 - VERN2K

My friends, if you are reading this then chances are motherfuckers have erupted into chaos. The y2k millennium bug has stripped the world of much of its established technologies. The days look like night cause of the smoke in the air, the sound of sirens is familiar and the streets are filled with broken glass and the trampled skeletons of the weak. There most likely is no trustworthy money system due to the loss of bank records and computer databeses. The stores have been looted to the bone leaving only a matter of time before most of our resources are used up.

Your life may be in danger while you read this because you are among the elite, the computeratti. Either that or you have backstabbed others to get where you are. You probaly had to lie, steal, fight, maybe even kill for the electric power, computer system and phone lines that you are using to access this web sight. And I wanna tell ya bud I really preciate the support.

If today is Tuesday January 11 2000 or later and this is the most recent column posted, then I have missed the deadline for VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #15, my second column of the new Millennium 2000. To be frankly honest bud that means ol' Vern has probaly gone out in a blaze of glory, I'm thinking maybe in a terrorist bombing, apocolypse type situation or battle with oppressive police forces. I guess I could have got run over, heart attack, shot or starved to death but I just hope its something good whatever it is. At the very least I got my computer ripped off or been taken prisoner by marauders.

I don't want to tell you what you already know man but if you ask me getting used to this new post-millennial type world is going to be a real bitch in my opinion. Although I lived a very humble lifestyle for many years due to situations out of my control involving imprisonment, i have grown accustomed to the Technologies of man in the past months and the new inconveniences will be a great burden both as a human being, as an artist and as a Writer.

Yes, I am a Writer and also a poet. For one I will have to Write on paper once again. This column was prepared on a computer BEFORE the millennium in case of this outcome. I will miss the old girl (my computer) but I suppose a real Writer which I believe I am can handle the old #2 pencil.

Isn't it funny to think there used to be motherfuckers who would buy water in a fucking plastic bottle and would only want to drink certain brands. I bet now those pricks are scooping it out of mud puddles. They'd give thier left nut for a sip of warm water out of a garden hose.

And hell man I just got a dvd player and barely got a chance to use it. not to mention the internet and newsgroups where i have many friends and learn more than i have learned anywhere with the exception of the joint. But I'm not gonna complain man are we men or are we mice? We sure as fuck aren't mice so we don't need technology. All we need is mother earth in my opinion.

Still it is difficult for a christian and Positive individual such as you and I to deal with violence of a world where men must battle to the death over scraps of food and electric cables. We have gone from a comfortable first world priveleged type of living to a warrior culture like Mad Max and for those of you who can't take it I am very sorry. Hell man I wish Ic ould say I'd protect you but I'm up here in the northwest, can't really be everywhere at once. But if you are in the area look me up we'll fight back to back and we'll mend this sorry world in my opinion. Its gonna need it.

So good luck man and remember just about anything from a toothbrush to a popsicle stick can be made into a shiv. Although I am against violence for the most part anybody who doesn't know karate or whatever I'm recommending you carry a shiv on your person during this difficult times. Just as a sidenote I know this isn't politically correct but I hate those fucking roving bands of cannibals. I'm sorry I know it is freedom of speech and all that but your lifestyle disgusts me and I hope you stay the FUCK out of my neighborhood.

Secondly, on the topic of bunkers. Now I'm not going to front, it is possible that I pussied out when the chips were down and stuck my head in the sand by joining one of my buddies in a bunker. But as of this Writing on December 30 man I gotta say FUCK bunkers. No offense if you are in a bunker but personally I think that is the coward's way out. It is our duty as human beings to stand up against this problem that WE OURSELVES have caused by allowing the mathemeticians and computer experts to be a bunch of fucking nitwits when it comes to deciding how many digits to use to tell what year it is.

Anyway bud obviously I won't be reviewing any new movies until we as a society get our shit together and start rebuilding, but until then man I hope everyone is safe and please man take care of each other and none of this every man for himmself bullshit. you be nice to each other and help people out and together we're going to get through this man. peace. And share the computer please.

--Vern

 

P.S. My new year's resolution was to become a more established Writer on the films of Cinema but right now that doesn't seem all that important. Anyway I got a bunch of new reviews in the review section but I guess its probaly too late to see movies anyway so forget it man.

 

1/10/2000

VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #15 - Sean vs. jealousy

Well looks like we all survived the Y2k which is good news in my opinion. Sorry about putting up the wrong column last week I hope it didn't put anybody in a panic. But I guess if you were hiding down in a bunker and the only sight you went to for information was mine, then thanks a lot I preciate the support. If not then fuck off, I guess.

Well my new year's resolution as far as I'm concerned is to try to get more established as an online film Writer. And in order to do that I realized I had to work my fucking ass off, starting this last week. And hell man I don't know if you noticed but I did 1) this column 2) a whole hell of a lot of reviews and 3) a whole god damned awards show. I mean shit man you motherfuckers should be THANKING me for all this. In my opinion. And there is more to come.

So after doing those three things I think it's high time to stretch my legs a little bit and get away from the topic of Cinema. I have a review of a new movie Magnolia coming up but I figured this is a column, sometimes I should keep the movie reviews in the movie review section, why don't I use the column to just set my spirit free, look for a muse and just go fucking buck wild. I mean just use the column to do something a lot more personal, something about my past or my Journey or what is going on in my heart and soul, spirituality, etc. Or in this case Write about gossip.

As you know I hate the fucking gossip and this is no exception. No doubt you have read many articles about how the record label owner and rapper Sean Puff Daddy Combs and his girlfriend actress Jennifer Lopez were arrested after a shooting at a night club. This incident would be a humorous anecdote in the police blotter if it was anybody else, but these two are a celebrity couple so it's getting more ink than a hijacking. (When will these terrorists realize you need a hot ass girlfriend if your really gonna get your message across.)

Three people were shot but not badly injured in this caper and neither Sean or Jennifer is the shooter. After a night in jail and some embarassing press conferences I think charges have been dropped and nobody thinks they're involved. Actually I personally do think Sean pulled a gun but did not do the shooting. A lot of people probaly didn't pick up on this, but Sean's chauffeur allegedly ran 10 red lights running from the cops before pulling over and having a stolen gun found in the car. That may not ring any bells for the layman but believe me, if you were a former professional criminal like myself you would know that it is a little suspicious.

Anyway what really chaps my ass on this one is the way this story has been reported which is this: "Rapper, actress arrested after shooting - god damn I hope they break up."

Now I am not a fucking journalist believe me but in my opinion it is unethical to try to interfere with somebody's love life through the medium of news reporting. I mean okay, if you want to dress up as a waiter and try to ruin their big date like they do on the TV shows, that's one thing. There is not a code of ethics for a waiter as far as I know. BUT, if you are a doctor or a journalist and some other professions it is 100% against the code to try to interfere with the big date.

What we see here is a clear case of jealous motherfuckers. Every article or news report or talk show monologue joke I've seen was mainly on, "What does Jennifer's agent say? Will she break it off? PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE LET'S MAKE THIS HONEY SINGLE."

Now I admit that she has a round, juicy ass as well as a fine, nuanced performance in the Elmore Leonard tale Out Of Sight from the director of 1999 Outlaw Award Winner The Limey. But let's face it trying to force a breakup through Entertainment Weekly is not the way you go about landing a gal like this. Maybe, MAYBE that would work on a Sabrina or a Britney Spears, one of these teenage gals that don't have as much boyfriend experience, but not with a Jennifer Lopez. What you gotta do in this situation is let the relationship play out naturally - or hell, make your move while she's still dating the bastard. Add a little sense of danger to the thing.

Now some might say this is a racial thing, the media doesn't want to see a fine light skinned mama like that spending her time with the brothers. And I mean hell, they would be right. But to be fair there was one white case a long time ago when everybody was ready to beat down Lyle Lovett for landing Julia Roberts. Whatever the reason for this I think it's irresponsible for the media in my opinion. It is an abuse of their position and I would to take this opportunity in this forum to say that I'm going to punch these bitch reporters in the balls next time they try to pull this shit.

That said, I am not defending this muckty muck mouthbreather Sean. Now I don't know about his music I'm sure it's fantastic if you like that sort of crap but did you hear the reason for this shootout? According to Newsweek Sean walked into the club and starts passing around big wads of money to get attention. This guy is a rich businessman and I understand he has a philosophy that it is all about the benjamins (which is false, by the way - see Fight Club for more information). But understandably some of the other club goers were annoyed by this Ted Dibiase motherfucker coming in paying everybody off and they called him on it. Sean tried to hand a packet of bills to one dude and the dude threw it back in his face - and that is when Puffy and Shyne pulled out their pieces.

I am not fucking joking about that. Check Newsweek if you don't believe me. This motherfucker had three people shot because of a money fight.

I repeat, a FUCKING MONEY FIGHT. The baby doesn't want to use spit balls he has to use piles of money.

There was another caper earlier this year where Sean was upset at a rapping artist by the name of Nas, who used footage of Sean on a cross in his video. Although Sean did film the thing he felt it was blasphemous, so he and two henchmen attacked Nas's manager with... this is the important part... A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE. Not sure what brand it was but still the rich bastard symbolism is pretty blatant.

I guarantee you the next time this dude gets arrested it's for dropping a limo on a guy or drowning him in a jacuzzi full of caviar. If you find a gold brick or a crate of Rolexes or some shit at the scene of the crime you know who did it. What this motherfucker is in my opinion is a Batman type villain with a Rich Bastard theme to his crimes. His parents took away his Richie Rich comic books when he was little and he vowed to get revenge, grow up to be a soul-less fat cat with a swimming pool shaped like a dollar sign.

So to sum up: media, a bunch of pricks. Sean, a fucking corporate ninny. To these two I say shame, shame and shame again. Shame on you motherfuckers. Shame.

If Jennifer Lopez is reading this by the way please e-mail me outlaw_69@my-deja.com thanks honey.

--Vern

 

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