First off I would like to thank the two (2) of you who complimented me on my column last week, an autobiographical work which I have been working on for months as a piece of my memoirs but decided to post in my column. Of course I am not abandoning my home, the world of film Writing, however this is an example of the works I hope to pour my blood sweat and etc. into in the coming months and years. This is very important to me and yes there were two of you who mentioned this to me, this important new step in my life, and I do mean that literally. As in, one more than one, but two less then four, if my calculations are correct. thanks alot guys.
Second off there is the whole fourth of july deal. Not one of my favorite holidays actually, but what are you gonna do. The first thing I think of when I think of the fourth of July is Benji, the dog I had in the '80s. Not one of your better dogs, he was only a cockapoodle, but the little guy was loyal, his breath was above average and his house breaking was above reproach. Except on the 4th of July. This motherfucker didn't know what fireworks were, and no matter how many years he lived he just couldn't remember "Oh yeah, that's right, I remember that last year." no, he runs all over the house peeing and shitting on the carpet like a god damned invalid. (except running.) I mean, at a certain point you just get embarrassed for a dog he keeps doing stupid shit like this.
About '86-'87, somewhere around there, I started giving him tranquilizers to calm him down, and it worked. But the fucker got addicted. He starts expecting them earlier one year, like July 1st or 2nd. Then he's crying for them on New Year's. "Whine whine whine," and the translation is, "All these poppers and screaming are scaring me, I'ma start shitting if you don't think of something quick, you know what I'm saying?" Okay Benji has a point there but when it comes to Valentine's Day, birthdays etc. he was just stretching it. By the time I went down poor mutt was a total tranq fiend. I never seen a dog that desperate before or since. Benji stayed with my cousin while I was locked up and supposedly he ran away, although I have my doubts. You never know what a junkie pooch like that is gonna do when you turn your back, I wouldn't blame my cousin if he gave him away to be perfectly honest. Sad though.
Second thing I think about for fourth of july is a motherfucker named Quentin "Captain Hook" Williams, or Q for short. This is a motherfucker I knew with a hook for a hand, obviously. Not really like a pirate hook like you see in the movies exactly, it was more like one of those gripper things you use to pick up hot dogs, whatever the fuck that thing is called.
Well Q had this whole story about how he got the injury, involving a police chase, blowing up a vault, etc. etc. Then one day Q's mama comes to visit him, and someone overhears her lecturing his ass. Turns out the moron really lost his hand when he was a little boy, trying to throw a cherry bomb at somebody, and it slipped down his sleeve. Makes me laugh just thinking about it. Ha ha Q always telling stories.
Anyway, remember a few weeks back I was investigating all of those Dracule pictures. Well alot of individuals started saying to me Vern, why the fuck you relate so much with dracula. What about a little character by the name of Robert Neville. The last man on earth, the omega man, the I am Legend. This is a character from a book by Richard Matheson, made into movies starring Vincent Price and later Charlton Heston. Now just like a dracula this gentleman is lonely because, like I said he is the last man on earth. And everybody else is turned into vampires, which is kind of a pisser in his opinion.
So I checked these works and I gotta tell you boys, this is a good story which greatly adds to the world of the vampires of mythological tales and stories. You see as a Writer I am able to take a look at Matheson's book and tell with 100% accuracy that this is, without no doubt, what we Writers would call a good fucking piece of the literature. It starts right at the best possible moment, three years after the world was overrun with vampires. Robert Neville lives in a house which he has fortified with garlic and crosses and mirrors, and every night he turns his classical music up loud to try to drown out the sound of the vampires that gather outside calling his name. During the day he drives around town, picks up supplies from the stores and while he's at it stakes a few motherfucking vampires.
Now one reason why this is so great is because it's not as much about vampires as it is about what would you do if society disappeared and the whole world belonged to you. I mean if I were Robert Neville I would be using the city as my personal race track. It talks about him driving around but it doesn't mention - does he stop for stop lights? Does he drive on the right side of the road? Does he stay off the sidewalks?
He has the run of the place pretty much, and he hasn't run out of frozen food yet and he's even considered moving into a fancy penthouse, although he's decided it would be too much of a pain in the ass to set up the defenses. But it's a situation that really makes you wonder what you would do and consider his choices and the cleverness of how he protects himself and sets up his lifestyle.
But of course it's not all fun and games being the last man on earth, the omega man, the I am Legend. Because Robert is one lonely motherfucker and I must admit, quite possibly more lonelier than most Draculas. It's been a LONG time since he's seen a woman and I don't think I have to tell you I know what that's like, even more than he does. But he gets these urges to rape the female vampires and he controls himself. Not too nice to think about. Later he actually meets a gal - the last gal on earth, the omega gal, the she is legend - and he is so desperate to make a connection and so out of tune with social conventions that he runs at her like the screaming bearded retard he is and scares her away.
Also there is a great part about finding a pet dog.
Anyway this is a truly great work of the horror fiction and was obviously a HUGE fucking influence on the living dead pictures such as Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Living Dead and Days and Nights of the Living Dead. It really reads like the best fucking vampire movie you ever saw so it is really no surprise that it was turned into not one, not three, but TWO movies.
Now I gotta admit both of these movies are good and both are totally different from each other and from the book. And the book is so much better it makes the two movies look like my carpet on July 5th in the '80s if I was too drunk to clean up after Benji the previous night. Now I don't want to be controversial here but sometimes you gotta say what you feel, and in my opinion - and ONLY my opinion - the books are sometimes (SOMETIMES) better than the books. In my opinion. No offense.
Now Vincent's version, Last Man On Earth, it is great to see Vincent driving around a big empty city. It is in nice black and white and the vampires look and act just like zombies. But you know they are vampires, because he uses garlic and wooden stakes when he needs to send them a message. A message about fuck off and die.
This one is a little closer to the book than the later version. It follows his desperate meeting with the omega gal and how badly it all goes and how important it is to him for her to turn out to not be a vampire. Unfortunately it is not one of Vincent's better performances and he seems kind of phoney in my opinion. The main strength of the book is treating this supernatural disaster situation with realism so when the movie doesn't feel very "keepin it real" as they say now, well it just don't work as well.
I would have to say that Charlton's version Omega Man is the better of the two although it is a big cartoon bastardization of the book and even more phonier than Vincent's version. This one is specially designed for Charlton's politics because the bad guys are pacifist hippies, they don't even believe in hurting him except when they try catapulting fire at him a couple times. He shoots them with machine guns though and he represents technology and the military and how great it was in the old days when there were a whole bunch of other people for him to shoot back and forth with.
One interesting note about the vampires in this movie, they are not vampires. Instead they are just white guys in black robes. There is no mention of garlic or wooden stakes or drinking blood. I'm not even sure why he tries to kill them to be frankly honest, except charlton is some kind of maniac I guess. but that happens when first you get trapped with all those chimps and then this. I mean, that's a bad couple of years for this dude.
Then later on charlton falls in love with a beautiful black chick with an afro. This is where the plot really veers off, there is alot more about his relationship with this gal and how together they try to invent the cure for white people in robes. And since this was the '70s they are doing it all for the kids, there are kids who hang out and one of them tries to get Charlton to question his morals and what not. I am surprised there was no mention of how they have to save the community center from getting closed down by the man, maybe that was cut out.
Anyway not to give anything away, but in both movie versions he gets speared at the end, even though not in the book. In Omega Man there is a long shot of where Charlton dies with his head tilted over a little, his arms out, his feet kind of together. You know, crucified. Sacrificing himself to save everyone else. Dying on the cross, in other words.
Get it, like christ.
I mean no offense to charlton but jesus, we are some fairly savvy movie watchers in my opinion. you don't need to rub our noses in this shit to make us get it. let's be a little more subtle there next time jackass.
But the reason why I like this garbage anyway is because it is just so weird there is nothing else like it. When I watched it I remembered wait a minute, I saw part of this on tv a long time ago but I thought maybe it was the shrooms or somehting, maybe I didn't really see it. I mean have you ever seen a scene in ANY other movie where Charlton Heston is wearing a frilly blouse like Mozart drinking vodka and playing chess with a statue of Caesar, and these people in robes are outside his window catapulting a fireball at him and he says "Excuse me" to the statue of caesar and walks over to the window and starts shooting at them and then comes back and plays chess some more. Well I fucking doubt it. If this is what you are looking for Omega Man delivers 100%, I give you my personal word on this.
Well now there is some jackass trying to make this book into a movie again, they were gonna have arnold schwarzenegger from the Running Man movies to star. Well I don't know about this. Sure he is republican but that doesn't mean you're gonna recapture the magic of Omega Man. Maybe if this is a little more like the book it might be worth but in my opinion there is only ONE filmmaker who can do it. the dude that did the living dead ones. not sure what the dude's name is but I'm sure he knows who he is if he's reading this.
But I guess when it comes down to it I really don't care who does it because this is a timeless story like the dracula story which can be fucked with over 100 times without losing its power. I would even say, over 110 times. I can't wait until there are more I am Legends.
for more information on reading try your library, it will be in alphabetical order by author (Matheson).
thanks guys
--Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #38 - Introducing the World Badass Committee
Well you know what gang, I have been putting up with these AFI and BFI top 100 lists since, well, at least since several months after I got out of prison. I have seen the AFI Top 100 greatest movies ever made. I have seen the AFI top 100 funniest movies about men dressed as women. I have seen the BFI top one hundred best movies that are not funny of all time in Britain. And etc.
And by the way as a tangentally speaking, which do you think is more annoying, americans who only watch anime or americans who only watch british tv shows. I mean face it guys just having a british accent does not necessarily make a joke funnier. I don't care what some jackass with a pony tail and and knee high boots says red dwarf is not something to brag about. We had that same show in the us, it was called Homeboys From Outer Space and even UPN wouldn't keep it on for more than three seasons.
But anyway no offense forget I said anything about it Dr. Who fans. The point is, lists. Now the problem with lists to my eyes is that they are a big load of shit. Such a load of shit, in fact, that any reasonable person is going to want to debate the list all night, as if there was some possibility of fixing it so that it's not as much of a load of shit.
But the simple fact of the matter is that lists don't work. It is built into the design of whoever made up the idea of the list. It just doesn't work.
Let's say you're listing the top 10 parts of your body that you don't want to get chopped off. Well jesus, it's not gonna work. Whatever you come up with, you know you're leaving something out. And also what is your definition of body part? Does a hand count as one, because it's a hand, or 4-5 (depending on how many fingers you have when it gets chopped off)? There is really no way to come up with a definitive answer to this kind of shit.
In fact, the television rock music channel VH-1 has made a whole tv show based on the concept of how bad lists are. It is called The List and the concept is, you have five washed up actors and Meat Loaf, and they try to come up with the ten greatest rock songs or whatever of all time. At first you're thinking okay, I can do this. Let's put something by the Rolling Stones, or whatever. And then you think, "But which one? Can I only choose one?" And then some jackass goes and picks a Ray Charles song. So you're thinking, "Whoah, that worked? That counts as rock?" It opens up a whole other can of whoopass or whatever.
So it is an inherently frustrating and also captivating type of show. I fucking hate it. Watch it every chance I get. It's garbage.
Anyway, long story short, I'm gonna try to make a list too. One more powerful than anything the AFI or the BFI or David ALan Grier could EVER come up with. ANd what this is is the World Badass Committee top 100 Badass movies of all time. And the members of this committee are first of all, me. Second of all, all of you motherfuckers.
You see, I figure that we as an institution know of what the fuck we speak. We have been sharing and discussing the badass works for some time now. We have been examining them as well as critiquery and discovering the theories, motifs and workings of the Badass filmic pieces.
So please my friends, ladies and fellas, send me your top Badass movies of all time. The definition is up to you. You can send me as many as you want, except not over 100. Please try to have them in approximate ranking order (your favorite first) and put the name of the Badass performer in parentheses afterwards. In example:
The Getaway (Steve McQueen)
or whatever.
This is a part of my new Badass theory which will hopefully replace the auteur theory in Badass related film critiquery.
By the way, I did not mention The Getaway as a means to tip the vote. However please do vote for it and obviously I do reserve the right to disqualify anyone who does not include any Steve McQueen movies on their list.
Anyway thanks guys have a good one guys.
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #39 - The Return of Clint
First of all guys I would like to apologize for last week's abbreviated type column. To be frankly honest I was excited to get working on this 100 Greatest Badasses of All Time list and didn't have it in me to write a halfway decent column.
Well you get what you put into it and I guess that's why karma decided to fuck me in the ass and make sure nobody will respond to my survey. Well, I shouldn't say nobody. I got responses from about four of my most dedicated. The rest of you, we need your help. This is an important and historical type list and we need all the input we can. You gotta send me a list of the most badass movies you ever seen, with the name of the badass performer in parentheses where applicable.
Now, I don't need to tell Mike D'Angelo this, but yes, you can vote for ladies. Don't expect me to be pulling none of this chauvinistic type garbage and saying it is not allowed. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I wouldn't want to shoot something that big out of my pussy and I don't want to fuck with anybody that does.
Don't take that too literally by the way boys I am not a hermaphrodite. It's a figure of speech fer christ's sakes.
Anyway thanks to those of you who already helped out but I'm gonna need more. Right now I'm not even sure if we have 100 movies in the running yet. We need some more competition.
One individual who is having a pretty good showing in the survey so far, and rightly so, is Mr. Clint Eastwood. Now I believe this individual to be perhaps the greatest Badass icon of all time, and as a director himself I consider him to be a Badass laureate. I am a fan of all of the action stars who choose to direct, from Bruce Lee right on down the line to Steve Seagal. But I'm not sure any of them, even Mr. Lee, has come up with anything quite as soulful as Clint's Unforgiven. This is one of the all time great films about that classic dilemma of the Badass, "I really want to stop killing all these motherfuckers but jesus the situations keep coming up and I keep killing them."
Unfortunately Clint wants to go and fuck with me so his new one coming out is about astronauts. It's called Space Cowboys and unfortunately from what I've gathered it is not actually about cowboys, that is just an artistical license kind of thing. They're just plain astronauts.
The gimmick is, they are a bunch of old guys who go on a mission. Clint is directing so I know it's not gonna be as bad as Armageddon. But still, Clint, I mean jesus.
For those of you who agree with me on that, never fear. There is another Clint Eastwood movie for you and in fact it's in theaters right now. Clint is looking younger than ever playing the character of Logan Wolverine in the new comic strip movie X-Men that everybody loves.
Of course, this Clint is credited as "Hugh Jackman" - some kind of joke name I guess but "huge ackman?" I don't get it. I'm not sure how this was accomplished exactly. Maybe this is a computer generated renderation of a young Clint Eastwood, like they have done with James Brown in the "funky blast" ride at Seattle's Experience Music Project rock and roll museum. Maybe it is Clint under a lot of makeup to make him look more like he did in his Thunderbolt days. Maybe it is a son of Clint's, much like Chad McQueen but keeping more in the true spirit of his father than Chad does. Or hell, maybe it's just some dude named Hugh Jackman who looks a lot like Clint Eastwood.
Who the fuck knows and who cares. The point is SOMEHOW these filmatists have come up with a young Clint Eastwood in the year 2000, and he is playing the main character of the Wolverine. And that is why the X-Men movie is the #1 movie of the summer so far in my opinion, although I can't really remember what else came out this summer anyway.
This dude has Clint's eyes. He has Clint's eyebrows. He has Clint's smile. And I guess it probaly goes hand in hand with the eyes, but he has Clint's Badass attitude.
When we first meet the Wolverine he is in a Canadian redneck bar, fighting people in a cage for money, smoking a cigarette with his back turned to the camera. Then he turns around and his face is revealed, and you say, "Holy shit, Clint Eastwood!"
There are many other nods to Clint's cinematical past. He chomps on a fat cigar. He drifts around living in a rusty old truck. He is the stoic outsider character who teases the other X-Men for wearing costumes and having stupid names but then he ultimately fights alongside them because he knows it's right. He also has a sort of a relationship with a much younger gal just as Clint does in many movies right up to In the Line of Fire and True Crime. I guess this isn't the same kind of relationship though so maybe instead you could compare it to Clint's partnership with little Jeff Bridges in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
Now I gotta be honest guys I liked this fucking movie. I didn't know jack shit about X-Men going in, in fact I've been calling the fucking movie X-Man for about four months now. Thanks for correcting me guys, jesus.
Anyway now I am what you call an X-fanatic or X-cellent person or whatever. I know all about these motherfuckers. Xavier is the bald guy, he has two different specially made wheelchairs. Both of them have X's for the spokes of the wheels. One of them is made out of clear plastic.
Next there is Wolverine. His skeleton is made out of adamantiamatic metal. Nobody knwos why. Apparently some assholes did it to him. But he doesn't remember who. But jesus he is going to find out in the next movie and those fuckers better duck. Because he has claws like Freddy and yes it hurts every time they pop out but that never stopped a tough motherfucker like Clint Eastwood from clawing a guy.
The main character besides Wolverine is Rogue. She is a young teenage girl with the ability to absorb other people's life force or mutant powers. She also absorbs different accents throughout the movie, including southern, generic american, and new zealand.
Also cyclops. He is blind I guess. But that's no excuse for being a tightass. He shoots laser beams from his eyes. His girlfriend is Jean Grey, who is very sexy and has telekinetic type powers, like Carrie. But she is more educated than Carrie so she is the doctor of this group.
Then there is Storm. Not sure WHAT is up with this gal. She has white hair and eyes and can control the weather. One guy in the theater cheered when she first used weather so I guess it is popular. Her acting is kind of weird, reminded me of Michael or Janet Jackson but I guess she is pretty good.
There is also a bad guy mutant named Mystique. Now this chick I gotta admit is pretty great. She is very scary looking because she has orange hair and glowing eyes and blue skin and scales and morphs into different people and does karate. But still it is hard not to notice, I don't know if any of the girls noticed this but I think the guys will notice this. But she is naked. And she has a good body. This is maybe one case where you wish she wasn't naked because with clothes on you could picture that she at least didn't have scales. The blue skin is fine I guess but those scales could probaly do some damage.
Well anyway not to go on too much of a boner tangent but I liked this monster femme fatale gal. Kind of reminded me of the porcupine gal in the old horror flick, The Nightbreed.
What's cool about it is these are all mutants and they are feared by the humans. There is alot of symbolicy type stuff about intolerance. The opening scene is at a nazi concentration camp and the later scenes of a senator stirring up bigotry against mutants has obvious parallels to gays. Also just to bring the whole race card in there Magneto quotes Malcolm X at the end.
Now Magneto is basically the bad guy but I like him because he's got dimension. We first see him as a boy facing the worst possible type of intolerance in WWII so we obviously sympathize with him. We know that he has a pretty good point about the fucking humans. He and Dr. X-Man used to be friends and still sort of are but they have philosophical differences. Magneto is more militant and hardcore and he has a plan to turn the world's leaders into mutants against their will. Magneto and Xavier are not the type of enemies that start fighting every time they see each other, in fact they have polite debates in two different scenes. Just a couple of old guys with a friendly rivalry. I mean I guess it would be pretty fucked up for Magneto to try to fight a dude in a wheelchair but still.
Actually come to think of it that could've been a pretty great fight scene but I will forgive them for leaving it out on account of the characterization was good.
My only real complaint about Magneto is that he lives in some kind of underground fort with a couple of henchmen and has a big evil machine that he uses for his plan. I mean I'm not sure but I don't think Malcolm X ever did that kind of crap. Dr. X also has a machine that he sits in and I don't know WHAT the fuck that thing does. So when the plot turns more into sitting in a machine and shooting beams and different characters shooting different beams out of different places and what not, well it starts to get a little less personal.
But as a whole the movie works because of this WOlverine character. This is a super hero who makes fun of other super heroes. One who steals motorcycles from other super heroes. One who leaves at the end so he can go track down somebody and kick their ass. Now that is a good super hero in my opinion. It might be corny if the wrong person was playing him but this is "Hugh Jackman" we're tlaking about. This movie is pretty hot thanks to the miracle of young Clint Eastwood's Badass charisma. Congratulations Clint and welcome back.
Your biggest fan,
Vern
First off, an update on the International Badass Committee's 100 Most Badass Films of All Time project. I am currently tabulating all of the mathematical equations, the scoring, the points and what not. It is a very complicated type of process which I will not bother to bore you with but let's just say it requires both addition, subtraction and other forms of mathematical skills which, to be frankly honest I am not the best at. So if Soccer Dog: The Movie or some shit like that ends up winning, that is why. Human error.
Also did you know there is a movie out now called The Real Mackaw that is about a talking parrot named Mack that knows all the secrets of the pirates. I mean jesus these Hollywood people what goes on over there.
Anyway point is, this is your LAST FUCKING CHANCE folks. While I am calculating and formulating all of this data and what not, I am going to give you the last call to be a part of this important historical and cinematical event. If you forgot to vote or even if you did vote but forgot a few pictures, this week you can still send in a list. These will only be given one point for now but they will be voted on in the next round so who knows they could still make it.
Yes, you read me right, there is going to be another round in order to make this more accurate and scientifical. I hope you motherfuckers who already voted won't mind if later this week I e-mail you a survey to vote on.
Anyway enough of that garbage let's get to the column. Although I am obviously VERY fucking established at this point in my opinion, I am still relatively new to the movie web sight game and sometimes there is shit nobody tells me. For example nobody told me you're supposed to go to San Diego this week for some comic strip convention. Hell even if they told me I can't afford that kind of nonsense on my budget.
But what I did instead is I did the next best thing, I watched the documentary Trekkies which is about all of these nutjobs that watch the TV show "star Trek" from the '60s.
Now I know everybody likes to make fun of the "trekkies". There is this cliche that they are the ultimate nerds and they wear pointy ears at the conventions and they say "live long and proper" and all this. Well let me tell you if this documentary is any indication, that whole cliche is a bunch of bullshit. Because the reality is MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
MUCH worse.
I mean good god you will see what I am talking about when you see this. HOLY fucking SHIT. A real eye opener. If you thought the guy wearing the superman suit all the time was crazy just WAIT til you meet some of these fuckjobs.
First off, most of these people would never settle with pointy ears. No, they are Klingons and magic space alien ambassadors and what not. They dedicate their lives to making sloppy halloween costumes and some of them even go to the hospital dressed as klingons to visit sick children. Yeah that's exactly what a kid wants when he's dying is to see some moron in a bad space alien costume going "GRRRRR, I'M A KLINGON FROM STAR TREK. This costume is based mainly on the episode 'Bloodlust Part 2' although I chose to use a weapon that is a composite of the one used in that episode and one used only in a series of oil paintings a friend of mine did for the trek talk newsletter back in '93." That is what just about all of the people in this documentary are like. There are very few reasonable people in this movie who are not a part of the star trek cast.
Admittedly, there is like one dude in the documentary wearing pointy ears. There is also a guy who got his surgically altered. Another guy who seems pretty nice and normal but he says he would have his surgically altered if he could afford it. Also he wears a star trek uniform in public and so does his poodle.
There is another gal who is famous because she wore a star trek uniform to jury duty during the Whitewater trial. She also wears a phaser and a badge to her job at the print shop and everybody there calls her "Commander." The thing is, she doesn't smile about it. I think the bitch is serious. She says she is the commander of the such and such space ship and part of being in the federation alliance is community service so she felt it would be a good message to her soldiers to wear her uniform, she doesn't want any of her soldiers to EVER be ashamed to wear their uniform. "I just wore it like anyone else in the military would." I think she reallly thinks a star trek fan club is part of the military. I mean maybe it is I don't know that much about it but if this is what our tax dollars are going toward no wonder everybody is starving and homeless.
The worst dude in the whole thing is the guy who is wearing a female wig and lipstick during his whole interview. I kept thinking hm, he must be dressed as some popular woman character from the show. Then after a while he explains that he is dressed as this really obscure character from one episode, an astronaut whose death the star trek people went to investigate. "But then I did a little character development and I became his wife."
This dude is seriously troubled and it makes you sad. I mean you can't laugh at a dude like this. You can tell by his voice and the look on his face that he has the serious emotional troubles. He wouldn't have to be singing "science fiction folk songs" without smiling. I mean, admittedly the lipstick helps. But the diagnosis would still be possible without it.
And that is sort of the heart of this picture. There is a cute gal named Denise Crosby who is sort of the host, because she was on Star Trek playing a character named Tosha. She interviews some people and she tries to understand and she seems sort of touched that something she was involved in means so much to these freakos. Alot of them you can see are just real nerdy and obsessive but it doesn't matter because they have alot of friends who are the same way and they are happy with their poodle being dressed as a space man and what not or running a dentist office where everybody has to wear star trek uniforms.
The most touching scene in the movie is when one of the actors from the star trek, I believe it was james doohan, tells a story about getting a fan letter that was basically a suicide letter. He writes back and tells her "I want to see you at this convention", and then at the convention he saw that she was really, really depressed. So he said, "I want to see you at this other convention..." and basically strung the gal along for years until she started to turn around. You realize that sometimes an individual can be at a low emotional point in their life where something like that can really mean the world. It doesn't matter if it's a tv show, or a poem, or a beautiful sunset. If something reminds you why life is worth living then that is a good thing. That story brought tears to my eyes, as well as to Mr. Doohan's.
Now wait a minute, don't think I'm saying I'm hot shit because me and the dude from star trek both had tears in our eyes at the same time. I'm not one of those freako retards.
Anyway the real tragic thing about some of these individuals is the wasted potential. There is this 14 year old kid in the movie that is one of the main characters. I hate this fucking kid. I want to strangle this fucking kid. He is about as annoying as anyone could possible be and partly because he is a smart kid but he has NO imagination and doesn't know how to use his smarts.
This is only a young teenage kid but he knows how to do alot of shit most of us old folks still can't do. He creates these animated spaceships on his computer. He has a very large vocabulary for a kid his age but he uses it in the most atrocious manner possible in order to make everybody want to kick him in the balls. He writes a 172 page screenplay, organizes this huge club, modifies his action figures to be more accurate, and designs all these costumes. And ALL of it is based on Star Trek.
I mean the kid is fucking OBSESSED with the costumes that the spacemen wear in the tv show. He knows every detail of every incarnation of the fucking uniforms and he has some friend who makes the costumes for him so he can wear them. Then when he puts them on he is kind of embarrassed... not because he's wearing a fucking star trek uniform, but because it doesn't live up to his standards of accurate reproduction. so he explains every detail that is not quite right... "this stripe is going to be a little thicker... we're going to have to make the neckline a little higher. But this will do for now." Then he designs a new star trek uniform for the movie he is trying to make and he wears it to the convention, "But it should be noted that this is only the prototypical version."
I mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KID. There are alot of retards in your age group who could never use computers or collect as much knowledge as you have. AND YOU WASTE IT ON THIS BULLSHIT. WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. GOOD FUCKING CHRIST YOU WANNA END UP LIKE THE DUDE IN THE LIPSTICK?!? YOU WANT TO BE WORKING AT A PRINT SHOP WHERE EVERYBODY CALLS YOU COMMANDER AS IF IT'S YOUR NAME AND THEN TRIES TO EXPLAIN TO EVERY OTHER CUSTOMER THAT YOU'RE "JUST A LITTLE ECCENTRIC, THAT'S ALL IT IS."
WAKE UP YOU LITTLE BITCH! High school graduation is rapidly approaching! This is your last chance!
And dad, you're only encouraging the little fucker! When he turns 16, DO NOT GIVE HIM THE SPACESHIP SHAPED CAMPER. You will ruin his fucking life!
If you are a good father, you will first of all make him get a haircut. The bi-level is not acceptable in 2000 unless you are the dude in Perdita Durango, only scary motherfuckers like him can get away with it. Second of all, use all that scientifical knowledge to blow the piece of shit up IN FRONT OF the boy. This is very important. If you have to, you can use that laser that you were talking about attaching to the front of the truck. But it is very important that the camper MUST BE DESTROYED before the boy reaches 16. this tender age is the ONLY CHANCE this kid has of EVER getting some pussy so PLEASE do not let the kid drive a camper shaped like a spaceship. JESUS.
I know what's going on there dad. You brought him to conventions when he was six and let him wear spock ears to kindergarten and now you're sitting on the bench next to him not saying anything, trying to hide the "I've created a monster" look from your face. I know you are trying to live with your mistake. Well don't! You're his father for crying out loud! Be a good father! Straighten the bitch out before he goes permanent!
What you gotta do is tell the kid, you are beginning a new screenplay. And it's gonna be crap just like the last one and it's gonna be at least 200 pages long and unreadable but here's the catch. IT'S NOT GONNA BE BASED ON GOD DAMNED STAR TREK. Also not star wars or babylon five or la femme nikita. This one is all new. You make it up.
And don't try some of this changing the name but it's obviously really star trek shit either. This one won't even be in space! Make something with hobbits or something. Just make it up yourself or you're out of this house!
GET WRITING GOD DAMN IT, I'M SERIOUS COMMANDER!
If you act now there may be some chance the boy will grow some type of imaginational skills, although obviously less than most. If we're lucky he may end up being a semi-functioning individual, somewhat on the level of the dude who obsessively rebuilds electronic devices from star trek. ANd I know the dude from the Radio Shack obviously hated him but at least he was halfway socially functioning. This is probaly the best we can hope for your son but please for christ's sake get some help god damn it what are you waiting for get to work motherfucker!
--Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #41 - Best fuckin movie EVER?
Folks this week I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I have just seen a movie that is new to dvd that is VERY likely the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER. This is a movie many of you have probaly never seen and hell I never even HEARD of this piece until the other day however it is, for those of you just joining us, the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER.
Now I have been tallying and calculating votes for the top 100 Badass Films of All Time and this picture has not received one vote. And I'm not complainin because this is not a Badass picture per se. It is more of a drama than an action film and is more about feeling and sentiment than about attitude and breaking a motherfucker's arms or whatever.
The name of the picture is Knightriders, a film directed by George A. Romero in 1980. It was one of those movies that did very poorly at the box office and was never heard of again.... until it came to dvd and most people discovered that it was the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER.
The picture opens with a whisp of mystical medeival flute and a black raven flying through a forest. A young Ed Harris and a pretty gal wake up naked in the woods. Ed bathes in the pond, meditates on his sword. He puts on his armor, the gal puts on her crown. She stands behind him and embraces him. The music grows triumphant as he pulls down his face shield and revs up his motorcycle.
Yes, this is a picture about knights who ride motorcycles. And that is only one of the reasons why it is the BEST etc. etc.
Ed is King Billy or Sir William, the leader of a troupe of individuals who travel around the country and hold renaissance fair type deals. This is where everybody dresses up like knights and monks and shit and pretend its hundreds of years ago. They sell swords and maces and wine and all this type of garbage. It is basically the same as Star Trek conventions only without action figures or that fucking kid from Trekkies with the camper shaped like a spaceship.
The reason why this type of behavior is considered acceptable to ol' Vern is on account of the motorcycles. You see the main attraction is that they joust on motorcycles. There is a whole lot of motorcycle stunts in this movie - people crashing into cars, flying into lakes, going off of ramps. They even got a motorcycle that gets loose and smacks right into a gal in the audience. This is good stuff as far as knights on motorcycles type stunts go.
And yet, like I said, this is not an action picture. It is really a melodrama and a poem about living by your ideals. Most of these characters are just a bunch of real good friends, a bunch of hippies and bikers who like to dress up in armor and joust together. But the King takes it a little more to heart. He is an individual who really stands up for his beliefs. He refuses for example to pay off the cops who threaten to shut down the show if they don't pay him off. Instead he tells them to shove it up their ass. Then he willingly goes to jail until things are straightened out and makes a solemn vow to the cop that some day he will kick the shit out of him. And King Billy lives by his word.
The code of honor theme really starts rolling when a little kid shows the King a motorcycle magazine with pictures of the knight riders and asks for his autograph. Billy refuses to sign it and says that he is not about that.
Afterwards the queen argues with the king. The troupe is running out of money. Embracing fame does not mean compromise. Why couldn't he be nice to that kid who idolizes him.
"That kid... that, that kid... thinks I'm Evil Kneivel!"
"That kid thinks you're Billy Davis. Sir William the knight. You're his hero."
"I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!"
This is when you first realize that the King is a little bit, uh, fucked in the brains. He's one nut short of a sack. But maybe you have to be crazy in order to be a purist in this world, in order to really do what is right for your heart and what not.
The story is mainly about how a sleazy entertainment agent discovers the troupe and tries to turn them into a hot "act". A group of disillusioned knights led by Sir Morgan (Tom Savini, who was so great on the commentary track for Maniac as well as this one) takes up the offer and we see the clash between the ones who "get a spiritual fix" out of the knightrider lifestyle and the ones who are willing to give that up if it means glamour and money and floating around smoking pot in swimming pools with hot chicks (and one fat one).
But it's not what it sounds like. Hell I am a Writer but I don't know how to do justice to this one with the words. It's not an exploitation movie and its not really funny. It is 145 minutes long and it is sad and moving and reaffirms everything I believe in and reminds me to stand up for my ideals 24-7.
You know how all those dudes feel about Braveheart? You know who I'm talking about. Well that is how I feel about Knightriders. One reason why it is the best fuckin movie ever is because of its sincerity. It is sort of like how Billy Jack is an action movie with all those corny left wing ideals mixed in. Well this is the same kind of thing with better writing and acting and directing and especially singing, and not quite as corny. And with knights on motorcycles.
George A. Romero obviously made this film as a reflection of his life as an independant filmatist. The cast and crew were living this lifestyle and enjoying it. It becomes very personal and real and if you listen to the commentary track on the dvd you can tell that they really believed in this. And hell, they should.
Most people start out life with dreams of all the great things they want to do. They want to write movies or do ballet or be the first bank robber to be widely accepted by the mainstream or whatever. But then as they get older and they realize that they're not as talented as they always thought and things aren't as easy as they had hoped they give up and settle in to their 9-5 and forget about chasing dreams and even resent people who do. This movie is about doing the opposite.
The character Merlin is a doctor who quit medicine to become a mystical healer and storyteller for the knightriders. The backgrounds of the other characters is not revealed but I think King Billy may be a former pro motorcycle racer who quit the life to follow this dream. Fight Club says that we've been raised to believe we'll become rock stars and movie gods, but we won't. This movie says that we can, but FUCK THAT. Why would we want to? Instead we should carve out our own lifestyles. We should dedicate our lives to the things we like best, regardless of money. We should be knightriders. Outlaws.
The movie plunges us into this lifestyle and shows us why it's so good. These are people who like to joust and swashbuckle and build weapons and sit around the campfire singing "Sygnifyin' Monkey." They like to chase the bikers that steal their rubber axes and trick them into crashing their bikes. By the end you have so much invested in the lifestyle that anything that threatens to fuck with it upsets you. Sir William is a symbol for the true outlaw hero we should aspire to be, because he lives his entire life by his own code of honor. He refuses to buckle down to pig oppression, to sell out for money, to live any other way. He takes all of the substance of being a knight of camelot and gets rid of all that sissy horse riding shit because he is so good at riding motorcycles instead. And unlike Fight Club or The Beach the Knightrider Club does not go sour, and will live on forever. God damn I love it.
This is a truly beautiful and poetic knights on motorcycles movie, one of the best you will ever see and god damn it if it didn't make ol' Vern cry. I love this fucking movie. I mean it, I love the shit out of this movie. It is the BEST FUCKIN MOVIE EVER. Take this movie, add in a couple of Clint Eastwood and Steve McQueen's best, and you have everything I know and believe about what it means to be a man. Minus what I learned in the can.
I don't want to give away anything else but please, if you are in the mood to see a GREAT FUCKING MOVIE please rent this bitch and let me know what you think. Hell, I'm gonna put it all on the line - if you rent this movie, and you think it sucks, I give you my 100% guarantee that I will call you a retard.
"I mean it's real hard to live for something that you believe in. People try it and then they get tired of it, like they get tired of their diets, their exercise or their marriage. Or their kids. Or their job. Or themselves. Or they get tired of their god. You can keep your money you make off this sick world, lawyer, I don't want any part of it."
Hell, the other knights have a point when they talk about ways to earn some money to help the group survive. I sure know how they feel. But I would like to live by Sir William's code. If you think I'm getting tired of it, or leaving my ideals behind, please let me know. Send me an e-mail or throw a brick through my window I don't give a fuck. I want to live by the outlaw code. I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON.
Knightriders forever
thanks,
Vern
You know what I fucking HATE? Chlamydia.
Just my 2 cents.
Anyway this week is an exciting week because for the first time in my career, I get to review a movie that one of my dedicated readers actually worked on. You see one of my best readers has been working over there in the tippet special effects studios where they did the starship troopers and etc. He has mentioned to me several times that they were working on a movie called Hollow Man. I think I mentioned this in my "summer movie preview" but when he saw some footage coming back he told me it looked like something they didn't have to be embarrassed of. And I thought, that sounds like a good fucking movie.
Well now I've seen it and it looks like the "critical" "establishment" doesn't agree with me on this one, but I think Hollow Man is some kind of moronic masterpiece. Well, they do agree with the moronic part. So I guess we are almost on the same page.
This is a movie about the actor Kevin Bacon, only in here he is a hot shot scientist inventor man instead of actor. When the story begins he has a pet invisible gorilla. He has already invented an invisibility serum using military funding but is still trying to "crack reversion," which is fake movie science lingo for "make him not invisible anymore."
Now let me be perfectly clear, this is another one of those god damn hollywood scientist action movies. It has all of that annoying dialogue like in jurassic park, twister, titanic, deep blue sea and etc., where all the scientists say all of their cool guy science lingo to each other. And there is one funny guy and a laid back guy who is more casual and listens to a walkman. And they all have a morbid sense of gallows type humor, where they make little wisecracks about how crazy each other are and how great they themselves are and how dangerous it is what they're doing but they don't care because they're cool scientists with dark senses of humor. Then they stand in a control room and clickety clickety clack on a computer with fancy animated thingies and sound effects and they start yelling all the scientifical stuff at each other. "Bio-overloads are degrading... down to 96% code red level 7B... heart rate rising... WE'RE LOSING HER! SERVO-INJECTOR STATUS 300%! CLEAR! Pulse diameter stabilizing. Cellular structure breaking up... we don't have much time... we have liftoff!" Or whatever. Well shit I probaly flunked science but I still have a hunch this is not the true lingo they use in real life invisible man experiments.
Like most of those movies mentioned above all the scientists get trapped in a underground scientifical type lab facing the danger of their invention and then there are a lot of explosions and people hanging from a cable by one arm and getting locked in a freezer and having to build a makeshift invention to escape and saving each other and then saying some corny bullshit referring to some other corny bullshit that happened earlier and all this type of garbage. I mean this is your typical hollywood summer crap. EXCEPT... directed by some kind of demented genius.
You see the director is Paul Verhoeven who I believe is some kind of european. I remember he did Robocop and that is still his calling card. Back then that really pushed the envelope of movie violence and managed to fit a really gruesome satire of dirty harry type movies and corporate culture into an entertaining semi-mainstream sci-fi package. But Robocop was a long time ago. I didn't know he was still like that. Hell if Hollow Man is indicatory of his usual approach I'm gonna have to track down everything this motherfucker did while I was out of the picture.
Because as the story unfolds as your typical dumb 2000 version of James Whale's great invisible man tale, Verhoeven never stops throwing in cool special effects gimmicks or little bits of unexpected gruesomeness or perversion that make it transcend the genre. Many people will be delighted by the almost fetishistically detailed special effecting throughout the movie which repeatedly construct and deconstruct bodies piece by piece. When the invisible gorilla is injected with the "reversion" serum, you see her veins reappear, and then slowly every other organ and bone in her body until she's a full gorilla. There are a lot of visible man type scenes in this movie and they never get boring.
The invisible man effects are also endlessly fascinating because they decide to mold rubber over kevin, and that is why he's called the hollow man. Because he is just this rubber mask walking around. At first you think hey, maybe this hollow man is a metaphor, he is hollow inside... he has no heart. This is what being invisible does to a man. By losing his outsides he loses his insides. Maybe?
Nah. This character was an asshole long before he EVER turned invisible. Just like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, he was a fucknut long before he snapped. In fact in the beginning I was thinking this guy is such an asshole, obviously he is going to grow a heart by the end of the movie. He is going to meet some kid maybe, and at first he is real cynical and cold hearted, maybe even makes the kid scrub the lab equipment and take the invisible dog for walks and throw out the invisible gorilla shit and what not. But then when the government tries to take the kid away from him he realizes how important the kid was to him. I mean he LOVES that fucking kid. NOBODY is going to take him away. that fucking kid changed his life. And that is when he shapes up and tries to become more responsible, maybe even stops becoming invisible or whatever, to prove that he is a worthy guardian for the kid. And then they are happy and all and in the sequel maybe the kid becomes invisible, who the fuck knows I don't know.
Anyway that never happened, there is no kid, and this asshole just becomes crazy and goes nuts and starts the raping and killing. And since he has the rubber poured on him he's like Michael Meyers walking around without Michael Meyers inside. Jesus that is creepy looking. And even when he's not wearing the mask, he can walk around with a blanket draped over himself or something and somehow you can tell he's kevin bacon. Jesus I never knew you could be invisible and make such an impression.
Yes we've all seen great special effects before, and they're not usually enough to make a bad movie entertaining. But here the stupidity almost works as a secret weapon. The bad dialogue and typical storyline gets you into a complacent multiplex viewing type mode and then Verhoeven repeatedly stabs you in the nuts with shit you don't expect to see in that context. This movie could also be called The Invisible Perv, or El Perverto Invisible in Spanish speaking countries. I knew the dude would go too far with his playboy model neighbor but there is another invisible groping scene that I couldn't fucking believe I was seeing.
So where this really deviates from other dumb movies like it is that it never gets too dull or repetitive. For one thing there is an endless menagery of invisible man gimmicks. What would he look like under water? What if rain was falling on him? What if smoke was blown in his face? What if he caught on fire? What if he squooshed a fly on his hand? What if he found a wig somewhere in the lab and put it on?
And all throughout Verhoeven just sprinkles in these little sicko Verhoeven touches. You should probaly skip this paragraph if you haven't seen the movie yet, but if you've seen it you know the kind of things I'm talking about. All the guys in the theater grunted in disgust when there was a heat vision full frontal shot of Kevin Bacon. Hell you see alot of Kevin Bacon for a movie about Kevin Bacon being invisible. And then the little things like killing the invisible dog. Or instead of throwing paint on an invisible man, how about packets and packets and packets of blood? And then slipping around in a giant puddle of blood? How about when she pulled the crowbar out of the dude (improper medical procedure in my opinion) - was it me or did she snap it off? And then she seals it up with FUCKING DUCT TAPE! That is genius! Or better yet how about when they were in the elevator shaft, just like in every other movie, and the elevator went flying past... but only my man Verhoeven would have it actually hit Elizabeth Shue, and take a piece of her with it! BRAVO!
The message portion of the movie is maybe a little more subdued than in Robocop. But there is one scene where the wacky funny scientist says if you think kevin bacon is bad, wait until the military gets this. Imagine what they'll do with it.
AND THIS FUCKER WORKS FOR THE MILITARY! I don't know if this was intentional on the writer's part, but I think this is a pretty good depiction of many of today's scientists. They are perfectly capable of understanding the consequences of their studies AND THEY FUCKING DO IT ANYWAY!
This is really a dumb entertainment picture but in the long run it may be a political landmark. The movie that made the youth of america finally stand up and shout, US GOVERNMENT STOP ALL INVISIBILITY EXPERIMENTS NOW!
Anyway I would like to congratulate my man over at tippet on his work on the fine stabbed with a crowbar scene. Sorry I didn't get back to you when you were in town bud I hope you didn't lose all faith in me. Good work bud you tippet boys are hot stuff in my opinion and I will PERSONALLY beat some academy ass if there is no nomination for you come oscar season. This is a great special effects picture.
Shit I am not trying to say that all movies should be stupid like this. X-Men is still the best movie of the summer because it takes stupid material and treats it like fucking shakespeare. But Hollow Man is an assload of fun and it may be one of the best stupid movies I ever seen!
If you want to see a rubber inflatable kevin bacon walking around being a pervert asshole this is your NUMBER ONE choice of the year!
Put that one the poster guys, thanks.
--Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #43 - One year and counting
Well it brings tears to an old man's eyes to point out that it has been 1 penny solid that I have been on the outside of the correctional system. 365 days of freedom. Good lord what a beautiful year. Very few brushes with the law or neighbors and many months of clarity and sobriety. It has gotten to the point where I can even wait patiently in line at a bank without much shuffling my feet or getting a sweaty forehead.
And the lord likes to bless us on these types of occasions and this week he has some doozies for me. Because GUESS WHO DOESN'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA! That's right, thanks to all of your prayers, my test came back negative. Must be some other kind of infection. So you heard the lord girls. All ladies over 18, Vern is back open for business!
But there are a couple things in this world more important than disease-free sex, or even finishing a weekly column on time. And one of them is GHOST DOG: WAY OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN SAMURAI. Artisan home entertainment has kindly agreed to commemorate my anniversary by releasing my favorite film Ghost Dog to video as well as to the popular digital versatile disc format which I highly recommend. You see like many digital versatile discs, or "dvds" as many of us call them for short, GHOST DOG has many extra bonus type deals on it which are NOT on the tired, obsolete and embarrassing medium of the "vcr tape".
For one, you got the documentary. It was made for the Black Entertainment Television and is made up of clips from the movie with interviews with Jim Jarmusch (writer and director), Forrest Whitaker (samurai) and Rizzo (composer). Yeah, it's just one of those shitty promotional ad deals they make but it has some good bits. The main thing is that Jim here knows how to say things just right. He describes the music as "poetically beautiful but slightly damaged", which pretty much sews it up. He also says that he hopes GHOST DOG is a movie where "two days later little bits revisit you in your brain" which is about the most accurate description of the movie besides "#1 movie of all time."
For two, you got the trailers and ads. Now I understand a lot of individuals had the gall bladder to LAUGH at these trailers when they played in the Cinemas of greater north america as well as late at night on some tv station I never seen. But to me they are poetry. The poetry of war. I watch these over and over and all I can think is, man I like watching these. It is interesting to see how they make it look like a real action packed Badass film, a real good and exciting one. When actually it is a very slow and only partially action filled Badass film.
There is other crap on here too. You got a music video. You got an isolated score track so you can listen to the music and not have to deal with all that talking and sound effects and all that nonsense. You got a couple deleted scenes, the best one being the one where the mafia has a meeting with their accountant who recommends filing for bankruptcy.
But most importantly, you got the movie, GHOST MOTHERFUCKIN DOG: WAY OF THE SAMURAI. You got it letterboxed. High picture quality. High sound quality. You don't get that on the videos boys.
Just kidding people I know not everybody has a hoodlum friend who gives them a dvd player of suspicious origins for christmas, they can't switch over quite yet. But hopefully you will make connections soon and get hooked up with the DVD because this is a medium which in my opinion, not to be controversial but personally I believe it has a higher picture and sound quality than on the vhs, beta, laser diskette, etc. For my tastes anyway.
I know I sound like a broken record (or compact disk) but listen to me people, GHOST DOG: MOTHERFUCKIN WAY OF THE SAMURAI is your number one priority this week if you haven't seen it. Drop everything else. Even babies. Even TV. No more watching the reality programs you dirty sons of bitches. If there is one thing I learned in my last year of freedom, it is to watch this fucking movie TODAY.
Now your number two priority is to take this chance to check out another Vern favorite that has been released for my anniversary, Titus. This is the Shakespeare picture starring Anthony Hopkins. What it is about, is a lot of soldiers and queens and emperors riding around on motorcycles, cutting off people's heads, etc. There are hands cut off, there are heads in jars, there are mummies, there are orgies and giant wolf heads. On the cover Anthony is painted blue but, unfortunately, in the movie he is only painted gray. However it is still a very excellent picture in my opinion.
Now look here you dirty sons of bitches, I am not a retard nor was I born yesterday. I know that 90% of you motherfuckers haven't seen this movie. It did not get a very "wide" release and was only advertised on tv stations like pbs and what not, tv stations for people who don't watch tv. You fuckers didn't even bother with this movie. You were probaly out drinking and making it with underage girls, and I don't blame you. In the eight to ten minutes it took you to blow your wad, Titus also managed to come and go in your town. (Not sure how this works out mathematically since the picture is about three hours long but what the fuck do I know of math.) You didn't get a chance to see the movie and it's not your fault.
But jesus get on with it. Now there is no excuse. You saw Gladiator, right? Well Gladiator is this movie's bitch. A real feminine bitch too, the kind that shave their legs and everything. And hell, I can't believe this is coming up again but especially if you got the dvd. It may be too presumptuous to presume that these folks are campaigning for next year's Outlaw Awards, but the Titus dvd seems to be aimed at showing up the Fight Club dvd. This is another one with two disks chock full of all kinds of great crap.
The best one is the 49 minute making of documentary. This is AMAZING. Now I admit I haven't been around the block when it comes to making of documentaries but I have NEVER in my 12 months out of prison seen ANYTHING like this.
This documentary should be a text book for how everything in life should be approached. This is about how to make the best documentary, not about how to show a bunch of fucking clips from the movie and edit in two minutes of half assed interviews about it. Jesus you people can't you see what this dvd is telling you? This is a CALL TO ARMS! This is a fucking WARNING SHOT! Titus is the end of filler and bullshit. It says listen up motherfuckers, time for the real thing. For now and forever.
Because this not some pussy ass infomercial trying to advertise the movie, it is an actual document of the production, one for the record books. It has interviews with the actors, the composer and etc., and not just sound bites. They let Anthony Hopkins talk slow and say what he wants. They even let the composer Elliot Goldenthal go off on a long tangent describing the themes for each character in another movie he scored, Interview With Some Vampires.
But the interviews aren't even the main part of this documentary, it is mostly made up of actual footage of the making of the movie, mostly in the before-production phase. I could not believe I was actually watching all of the actors standing around in their casual clothes while the director Julie Taymor shows them pictures of what the sets are gonna look like and explains what the movie will be like. Jesus christ have you ever seen such a thing? Thank you somebody for finally making a making of documentary that makes you understand what it was like to actually be there as the picture went from an idea to a movie.
Then you got footage of them all sitting around a table reading through the lines for a long time. And then they start discussing - with each other, not for the benefit of the cameras - their characters and the themes of the play and all that type of garbage. Then you the actors rehearsing. You see recording sessions with the orchestra and the choir. You see the italian craftsmen at Cinicitta studios building giant mummies and stump hands and severed heads. You see Julie Taymor looking real intensely moved as she watches the actors saying their lines or the musicians whacking away on their violins and etc. You see her showing Jessica Lang how to curl her body around Harry Lennix, and you see her hugging anthony hopkins as he talks about how great the movie is gonna be. I mean you are THERE. this is like imax. 3-d. You ARE the making of Titus.
And the more you see the making of Titus the more you realize why the movie is so great. Because it's a PURE movie. You get the feeling that nobody involved in this picture in any way gave a flying rat's assfuck about money or commercialism. They were in it for the art action. They were an artist's community, putting on the greatest play ever. If there was even a caterer or an assistant toothbrush handler who had qualms about the movie's box office, chances are some of the italian craftsmen took him out back and beat him to death with a paintbrush handle. This is the type of dedication and intense artistry that all movies should be made with. Except maybe some of Paul Verhoeven's.
These here are two great movies that show how the oldest themes and stories and philosophies can be combined with the great artists and ideas of today and be turned into some real balls to the walls Cinema. I think both William Shakespeare and the samurai dude would be very proud of these movies. there would be NO rolling in the grave involved in my opinion. MAYBE some dancing but that is not the same I don't feel it is worth complaining about dancing in their grave.
Please people, get to your local video store, preferably not blockbusters or hollywoods, and rent both of these pictures. Or buy them. And then get back to me. And don't give me any of that "I already saw both of them" bullshit. If that was true then you would already be renting them again without me having to tell you. You would know better.
jesus people get with the fucking PROGRAM.
Meanwhile I will finish up the preliminary mathematical calculations for the 100 Greatest Badass Films of All Time list. I'll see you in give or take a week.
thanks guys, great to be out
--Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #44 - The Iceberg is mine, motherfuckers
I wonder if any of you boys have ever read the literary works of Iceberg Slim. For those of you who don't know, Iceberg is an individual who, like me, had some trouble with the law. He got sucked into the belly of the beast and years later, shot out its ass with 100% Writer's blood flowing through his veins.
As you might be able to guess by his handle, Iceberg was a pimp. And a damn good one, to hear him tell it. Iceberg was born in 1918 so we're talking back in the 30's 40's and 50's prostitution scene. He worked primarily out of the southside of Chicago, a good place for pimps, apparently. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for us, he went down about three times and had to retire. He moved out to Los Angeles California and wrote his first book, Pimp: The Story of My Life which was published in 1967. It was and is a huge influence on modern crime fiction and rap music. It has been a noted influence for everybody from Irvine Welsh to Ices Cube and T. It is not only one of the greatest books ever written by a criminal, but also has the distinction of being the second best title ever for an autobiography, after Roger Vadim's Deneuve, Bardot, Fonda: My Life With the Three Most Beautiful Women in the World.
Iceberg's story is raw and powerful. Not surprisingly he knows the insides and outsides of the pimping game. It is fascinating to hear the details of how the job works. How you get started with nothing and build your way up to the largest stable in the neighborhood. But even for professionals who have already experienced that themselves, there is plenty of historical significance here. I think today's pimps might be interested to learn the history of their profession as well as the vintage slang. These are individuals who call babies crumb crushers, they call money scratch, they call Cadillacs hogs and marijuana gangster and rich people muckty mucks and white people peckerwoods. It is some good slang. Let Iceberg pull your coat on this slang.
Even to a seasoned individual like myself it can be a little distressing what this motherfucker starts talking about. I mean you hear bitch and nigger so much you start to get desensitized. You're afraid it might slip out when you're at church or something. "That's right bitch, praise Him!" Even when you're desensitized it's still a little bit stomach churning when the motherfucker starts whipping a gal with a coathanger or something. Iceberg knows what a horror story he is telling, and he goes for the jugular. In the opening of the book he is sexually molested by his mother's friend. He never outruns that emotional scar, and tries to use it as an excuse. But he can't escape that little jiminy cricket motherfucker called a conscience, so he is always haunted by nightmares of himself using his cruel pimping tactics on his mother.
After Pimp Iceberg wrote a series of gritty crime novels working from his encyclopedic street knowledge. There's a real good one called Trick Baby and who knows whether it's based on a real guy or not. It is the story of a light skinned black con man named White Folks. He is a real archetypical, mythical Joseph Campbell type of character in my opinion. He is hated by his people because they think he's a peckerwood, or they call him trick baby like his mom was a prostitute and his dad was a white john. The truth is his father left him but he was a jazz drummer and not a bad one.
White Folks uses his white skin to elevate himself to the top of the con game. He is able to pass for white in order to make white marks trust him, something his mentor Blue Howard has more difficulty with. But living a lie in the white world is a dangerous occupation and of course various dramatic type incidents happen.
I always thought Trick Baby would make a great movie. Then I found out they already made it. It is sometimes known as Double Con but it's never been released on video. If anybody knows how to get a bootleg or get it released or something, let me know. Like if you happen to be the owner of it, please release it on dvd and then send me a copy. Thanks.
I'm not sure how good the movie could be, though. The casting of White Folks would be real tricky. You gotta make him look white enough to pass for white, but not white enough to seem like some dumb white guy. Judging from the picture on the poster, they just got some dumb white guy. But what can you do, man. I still wanna see it.
Now I don't want to sound like I'm going overboard here, but I like to think of Iceberg as being a little bit like shakespeare, the authoer of Titus. Because he's got a powerful sense of drama and storytelling, combined with the pure horror and the stylized dialogue. I think when an individual makes a movie based on the works of Iceberg Slim, you gotta treat it like Shakespeare. Go ahead and trim it down to fit in the movie time frame. Try to think of some interesting new ways to stage it. But keep the dialogue and storyline intact please.
Oh yeah but do NOT cast that asshole Kenneth Branagh as white folks, please. and keep your shirt on fella.
Anyway, the reason I bring all this up is because right now there are individuals planning a movie version of Pimp. This one is gonna star the rapping artist Ice Cube as Iceberg Slim. It is going to be directed by Kevin Hooks, who was a child actor and is now known as the director of Passenger 57.
Unfortunately I checked out Mr. Hooks' picture and it did not inspire confidence in me that he is the right man to adapt Slim. As you know I am a scholar of the Die Hard series and I am sorry to report that Passenger 57 is one of the weakest I ever seen.
This is a poor man's Die Hard 2. It doesn't have the same high quality filmmaking, epic setting, or exciting action. All it has is an airplane. The only Die Hard tradition they followed successfully was to name the main character John. Otherwise these boys struck out.
The villains are some of the biggest sissies I have seen in any die hard type picture. I mean there is a guy in this movie who chases Wesley Snipes, who I think might work at the computer store by my house. I've seen scarier white guys in Jackie Chan movies for crying out loud. These pussies make the thugs in El Mariachi look like Tank Abbot.
Wesley doesn't have anything real clever to do. He never really outsmarts the terrorists or uses a household object as a weapon or even walks across glass with barefeet. I mean jesus he doesn't even swing on anything. It is sad when Jean Claude Van Damme can make a similar movie to yours and it is way, way better. The music is cheesy and there is no originality and etc. The only thing good is when Wesley says, "You ever play roulette? Always bet on black." And Kevin Hooks must have known that was the only good part since he zoomed right into Wesley's face Bruce Lee style, to emphasize the line.
The only good news to report is that Wesley Snipes is a pretty good action hero. It is unusual that an individual starts out as a successful dramatic actor and THEN does action movies, and is convincing. He does real martial arts and does his own stunts and better filmatists were able to take advantage of this later in the movie, Vampire Man I believe it was called.
So Kevin I know it's been about 8 years, I hope you've been spending that time improving your skillmanship for this important project. I want to see some good camerawork here pal. I want to see some period detail. A compelling soundtrack. And this Ice Cube, I want him to deliver the dialogue correctly.
Shit I don't know how you're gonna pull this off. It is a delicate balance. You can't tone it down, or it's gonna glorify this industry which, as fun as it may seem on the surface, is about as cool as slavery or child abuse or setting an orphanage on fire during a benefit for sick animals.
But at the same time you can't get too preachy or you're gonna lose all the appeal of the book. It is very important that you keep Iceberg's voice in there, both in the dialogue and the narration. These people gotta speak in big fancy speeches and pickup lines. I don't want no realism. Here is an example from the book for those of you ain't hip yet:
She giggled. I could hear the thrill in her voice. The horn blower had taken her off the track, but the whore was alive and thrashing inside her. She had class. She had done more than screw on the fire escape at high school.
She said, 'I don't drink and besides I don't know you.'
I said, 'You met me in your first hot dream, remember? You know that pretty joker in your little girl dreams that always faded when you woke up wet between the legs. You waited and wished.
'You lucky bitch, I've stepped out of your dreams. I'm alive and real across the hall from you. Get over here, I'm gonna turn you on. Don't worry about the watch dog. I saw him split out of the greasy spoon ten minutes ago. Baby, I'm gonna have to make one of my whores bake you a cake with a saw in it.'
She said, 'You're not married to one of them? I don't want my throat cut. I don't want to break an old habit, breathing.'
I said, 'Yeah, I'm married. I'm married to the whore game. You're still a member of the club yourself. You just ain't paid any dues lately. Maybe if you ain't full of shit I can put you back in good standing. Now get over here!'
If there is one movie in production I want to know more about, and there is, it's this one. Hell i read all those sights like the ain't it cool news, the corona extra coming attractions, dark shadows and etc. But I haven't seen any coverage of this important project.
AND THAT'S GOOD. Because I am declaring it MINE.
Moriarty, I know you're reading this. Listen to me motherfucker. PIMP is off limits.
The rest of you motherfuckers, well you probaly never even heard of me. Let me introce myself. I'm Vern. Now listen up bitches. PIMP is VERN'S. I own it.
So if anybody out there knows PEEP about this picture, tell ME.
I don't care what it is. If you read something in a newspaper, forward it to me. If you were an extra in it, or your friend was a caterer, or whatever, you gotta tell me what you saw or what you heard. If a friend of a friend knows one of the producers, or if the script passed by your desk at the agency you work at, or you used to be in NWA with Ice Cube, or who knows. WHATEVER the fuck it is. Tell me what's going on with this movie. I will report it here on my sight. This will be the best reporting you ever seen, in my opinion. And we will watch this baby grow.
Thanks friends. Let's get to work.
--Vern
#1 Iceberg Slim film adaptation advocate on the internet