VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #31 - I have seen the future of Badass pictures
Last week I wrote about Ridley Scott and about how that fucker isn't really all that hot especially in the case of his new one Alligator. And some of you may have been wondering, "Okay then, Vern, WHO is a director to look out for? Who can we count on to take the place of Ridley Scott if he's never going to make a good movie again, the fucker?"
I mean I'm surprised none of you e-mailed me with that question, but then again I'm pretty sure nobody reads my column anyway. Assholes.
Well anyway if you had asked, I would've said, "I'm glad you asked." Because the answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is Alex de Iglasias, an individual out of the country of Spain over there in Europe. Some of my European readers from Jockey Slut magazine probaly know about Spain. Same continent I believe.
Well De Iglasias hasn't proven himself 100% yet but hell, I'm gonna vouch for him anyway on the strength of his picture Day of the Beast. This man shows a strong sense of style, a nice dark sense of humor and originality as well as the outlaw spirit to break through genres and conventions and what not. You may not have heard of this man because for some reason the nerds of the internet have not really seemed to catch on to him yet. But believe me they will the same way they did peter jackson before he ever got involved with hobbit movies.
Day of the Beast is a horror comedy and it kind of reminds me of Brain Dead/ Dead Alive tonally wise, however it is not a gorey picture and instead of relying only on really bitchin special effects, it instead has good characters, story and jokes. Which is why as far as I'm concerned it is a way better picture in my opinion.
The story is about a priest in Madrid who decodes an ancient biblical type prophecy saying that the antichrist will be born in two days. He knows that the only way to stop the world from ending is to kill the antichrist, but the only way to find out where the antichrist will be born is to contact the devil. So what the fuck is he gonna do?
"I'm going to do all the evil I can," he says.
So this friendly old man sets out on a spree of evil and amateur satanism, and he doesn't know evil from knievel. He tries shoplifting, keying people's cars, even buying the heavy metal records. And that's where he meets a big fat brain dead death metal guy with the name of the band "Satanica" tattooed on his arm. And this guy becomes his sidekick. Also the guy's grandpa likes to walk around naked.
After that they kidnap the host of a supernatural tv show and what not and the priest is allowed to carry a shotgun and tie people up and what not, because, "I'm evil," he says. And it is really funny.
This was a great surprise because I never even heard of this dude before. Not only that but the cover to the video looks dumb as shit. Don't worry about that, ignore that. It is a funny stylish movie and the devil is like a goat that walks around you know what I mean it is good stuff.
So after Day of the Beast I figured what the hell, check out his next movie. Because of the auteur theory. I know it is only a theory and has not been proven by the establishment but I can vouch for it. It works.
Dance With the Devil is the american title for this Spanish-American-Mexican co-production which really should be called Perdita Durango. That is the name of Rosie Perez's character. The movie is about how she is this scary crazy bitch and that sort of thing. I think you know this type of picture. Well she meets this big scary mexican dude with about the ugliest haircut you ever seen. Like it is shaved on the sides and really long on the back, but this is the type of scary motherfucker where a bad haircut makes him look even scarier. Because you're not gonna tell this dude that his haircut is ugly. I think they do it to make themselves even more intimidating. It puts you on edge. What if you accidentally make fun of his hair. He'll cut out your heart and eat it.
And I do mean that literally because that is the type of shit this dude is into. He is some kind of priest of mexican voodoo, and he does this crazy dance and pours blood and pokes at a dead guy, and the late great Screamin' jay Hawkins is his assistant. Afterwards he fucks Perdita Durango right and left and then she comes up with this funny idea - what if we kidnap some white dude and eat him?
So that's what they decide to do, and they kidnap two teenage white kids out on a date. And they bring them on a road trip and before you know it they're havin sex with them and getting em naked and covering them with feathers. I think you know what type of picture I'm talking about.
Also they are going to do a pickup or a robbery or something and the cops are after them. Don't remember exactly.
Unfortunately despite the excellent premise of kidnapping a white dude and eating him, this is not nearly as focused as Day of the Beast. Most of it is in american language and maybe that is why the acting isn't as funny, maybe de Iglasias don't speak american and doesn't know his actors aren't that funny. The death metal dude from Day of the Beast is back in a smaller role and he's real good, but the white kids, let's face it, they're pretty obnoxious. You're making us look bad kids, knock it off.
I thought Rosie Perez was convincing as a scary bitch, but she was too self conscious to be very cool. She seemed a little too proud of being a scary bitch. So I liked the dude better.
Overall with all these americans and spaniards and mexicans working together on this one, and then the americans changing the title and cutting parts out, I think it turned into kind of a mess. Some dude told me it is based on a book by the same guy who wrote Wild At Heart and the character of Perdita Durango is in that movie. Maybe that it is why it is kind of sloppy and uneven, that's what that dude is into. I guess the original ending had the bad haircut dude getting sucked into a tv playing High Sierra and then he gets killed by Humphrey Bogart.
But it has a good outlaw spirit to it and some moments of great inspiration and style so I think we can expect this individual de Iglasias to make a comeback. He's only made a couple pictures, the first one being Accion Mutante which is only available for the europeans, so I don't think he's burnt out yet. I mean I CERTAINLY don't expect him to be making movies about gladiators and hobbits anytime soon.
Well if there is one thing I'd like to see more of coming out of Hollywood, it's #1: Billy Jack movies, and #2, elbow grease.
Now I don't want to be too controversial here, but in my opinion, some of the things Hollywood makes these days is garbage. And to me, that signals laziness. Remember when making a good picture meant something? Now it's not about making a good picture that you like to watch. It's about making a big picture that you can release in a theater.
If this young guys running Hollywood knew about elbow grease, they would know to get off their ass and think through an idea before they decide to make it into a movie. Any one of us might of came up with the idea, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we have John Travolta acting real funny and crazy, and he has dreadlocks and a big head, they are flying around in spaceships, the space ship type of movie that the nerds like?"
But then if we took the time to think it through we'd say, "No, no it wouldn't be."
You see? Elbow grease. Half way is for pussies. If you're gonna start you gotta finish. If you take off her panties, you gotta lick her. When Die Hard was first released in 1988, they said it would blow you through the back of the theater. Now a days, the biggest reaction movies get is, "You gotta be fuckin kiddin me."
For example did you know they made a movie called The Flinstones Viva Rock Vegas.
Another prime example of this disturbing lack of elbow grease is in the sex movie type industry. This week I was watching some pornos and I really got to thinking, remember when sex movies were REAL movies? I mean nothing against Ed Powers Dirty Debutantes series, or the Eighteen and Anal titles, or the Black Butt Sisters, New Wave Hookers, Ultimate Squirting Machine, etc. But there was a time when fuck movies were dignified.
Today I would like to talk about an individual by the name of Radley Metzger, who worked in the sex movies starting in the sixties. This week I watched two of his pictures, Score and Lickerish Quartet. And it made me yearn for the days of yore and what not.
You see Radley was an individual who actually tried to make real movies with plots and characters and what we film Writers call mise en scene. The photographing techniques in his pictures was top notch, with stylized sets, interesting themes and hot sex. The gals in his pictures had a real glamour to them, a real goddess type presence. He really looked for that type of beauty. He wouldn't just hire anyone who was molested as a child and was willing to be squirted in the face. The standards were higher then.
Score is about a husband and wife that try to compete with each other at who can make the best conquests. And by that I do mean sexual conquests by the way. Well for example the wife is trying to get the repair man or whatever who comes to her house to get in the sack with her. Or at least on the floor. And the next thing you know they're fuckin.
Well I guess you could figure that out. Anyway they take in this naive girl and her boyfriend, and they try to loosen them up. They get them to smoke a joint, dress up in costumes, and then they each seduce each of them. It is alot better than other pornos.
Well, I guess you had to be there. The photography is good anyway. I rented it because there was a good lookin gal on the cover.
But Lickerish Quartet, I'm serious about this one guys, this is pretty damn good for a porno. I rented this one because Andy warhol recommended it on the cover. This one is about a couple and their son who live in a big mansion and they get out an old projector and watch a scratchy black and white porn movie. The son is kind of a prude and he doesn't like it. The wife makes fun of it. The husband is kind of into it at first, then he says it's not a very good one.
So they go to a carnival and watch this troop of motorcycle daredevils. They are inside this giant cylinder and they drive around it and do tricks. It is pretty fucking incredible. Especially when they notice that one of the motorcyclists looks exactly like the gal in their sex movie.
So they convince her to come back to their mansion. Next thing you know she claims she is 155, she takes off her wig and she looks like Brigitte Bardot. She fucks all three members of the family. The son does magic tricks. The best one is the dad, they do it in this elaborate set of a library with the definitions for sexual words blown up and printed on the floor. Now adays, you don't get a set in a porn movie. Especially a stylized one like this. I know alot of porn directors will probaly claim they are just following the Dogme 95 manifesto but let's face it, that movement is not the be all and end all. There are other approaches to pornography which are acceptable, even desirable in my opinion. And plus it is questionable whether or not breast implants are allowed within the rules of dogme.
What's interesting about Lickerish Quartet, well it's mainly the sex, but it also plays with reality blurring the line between the sex movie they watch and the lives of these characters. They have flashbacks to earlier in their lives that switch between color and the scratchy black and white of the porn movie. In the beginning, the wife suggests that the actors in the porn movie must be prostitutes. Later, she remembers that she herself is a prostitute. And at the end, she is actually in the porn movie, taking place of the actors, with the actors in the mansion watching her and wondering if she's a prostitute.
Radley really treats this like a real movie, he puts the elbow grease in, the editing and music are also better than many mainstream or g-rated type films. Another thing was the pubic hair. In this time period, they had just the right amount. I'm not talking about a big wad of hair going halfway up the thighs and two laps around the ass. I will allow for a certain amount of trimming. But the pussy mowhawks they have today are going a little too far for this old timer. And I am especially against the whole shaving it bald deal which has now made it into the teen movies with American Pie. What the hell is wrong with these pervs today they don't want hair.
Anyway I think I'm gonna call it a day before I lose the rest of my female readers but seriously think about it guys. If we can't put a little art into our sex movies than what CAN we put art into? What kind of culture are we living in that is so willing to lower its standards even when it comes to pornography? That is why I ask you in joining me to draw the line here.
It is time to raise the standards back up to Radley Metzger level. If you're just gonna videotape some random naked chick then we're not gonna jerk off to it. Sorry bud. We want cinematography. We want creativity. We want motorcycle stunts. When we as a society and as a culture and community of artists are able to improve our pornographic works, just think what will happen when the mainstream non fuck related films of Cinema follow suit.
So I hereby call a boycott on all Dogme 95 pornography. Never again will we rent Stop! My Ass Is On Fire. No more Virtual Sex With Jenna or Once Upon a Squirt or World's Luckiest Man. Or for my homosexual readers, Rescue 69-11 or Gridiron. Please join me in asking the pornography industry to bring back the dignity, so we can hold our heads high again when we're, I mean, you know what I mean.
--Vern
Last week in my pornographical critiquery of the works of Radley Metzger, I offered the theory that all america needs is alittle bit of god damned ELBOW GREASE for crying out loud.
But you know what, in the week that has past since I wrote those words, I feel that I have really grown up alot, due to some experiences I had in a movie theater watching Shanghai Noon and the Mission Impossible Part 2. And that is why I now believe that last week's column was superficial and immature.
The truth is, everybody needs a little elbow grease but it goes deeper than that. If you want to use elbow grease you first have to have two things. You have to be in it for two things. The two Ps. And I'm not talking about paper and pussy, sorry guys. I am talking about passion and perfectionism. Although pussy is also a worthwhile goal it should not be your number one priority in my opinion.
And I really do believe, at least this week, that that's what it all boils down to, is the passion. There are alot of individuals that have ambition, or even talent, but they don't have passion. And that is why their art works is lacking. I am talking about individuals like Michael Bay, etc. People who could hook up a digital editing contraption blindfolded on top of a tree in a windstorm but couldn't shed a tear to save their lives.
You can have all the technique in the world, all the know how and make do. You can have the special effects, the big stars and the $300 million budget. But if you don't have passion you have jack squat in my opinion. You don't have a legitimate work of Cinema.
Then the second step is the perfectionism. This is what marks the true masters of the form. Yours truly, I am an individual with passion, but not perfectionism. For example, read my column, I am obviously not a perfectionist. 90% of my writings are garbage. I don't have what it takes to be a master.
But when you get an individual with both of the Ps coming out the wazoo, that is when you have a true master. An individual like Jackie Chan and John Woo, the two Chinese gentlemen who created the two pictures I saw this week.
Now what we have on display here is what happens when you trap two true masters within the hollywood system. These are two poets of the physical Cinema who are putting their Passion and Perfectionism up against a system designed to squeeze every bit of life and creativity out of them. The system wants to show the poets who is boss.
SYSTEM: You can't spend a week on this scene, motherfucker. We're on a schedule here. We're on a budget. We gotta deliver.
JOHN WOO: But sir, I know I ca--
SYSTEM: Shut up bitch! We got Memorial Day weekend!
JOHN WOO: Yes bu--
SYSTEM: Ha ha, don't get so worked up. No one will notice. It's only a movie. We'll put in some music. It'll be super!
JOHN WOO: Yeah but when I did Hard Boi--
SYSTEM: Action!
Now as true poets and masters, John and Jackie aren't completely confined by the Hollywood cage. They are able to squirt a few drops of inspiration between the bars. In Shanghai Noon, Jackie does some funny shit. He fights some indians and what not. There is a white guy who is also cracking wise all the time. Not bad.
Same deal with Mission Impossible. The actor Tom Cruise is flipping all over the place. There is a flying motorcycle deal. The cars spin around and there is also a gun fight although not a good one in my opinion. There is a bird who is Tom Cruise's friend, he is a young dove perhaps the same dove who starred in the other John Woo pictures. I think I heard somewhere he is John Woo's pet dove. His name is Dovey.
So what I am saying is these are not bad pictures. But they are not the works of Passion and Perfectionism these individuals are capable of. Because in the US the two Ps are illegal.
Back in Hong Kong, these motherfuckers would've cut off their balls to make a better movie. I mean if they thought it would work - I'm not sure why that would make a better movie but it's just one example. Anyway they would spend weeks or months to choreograph one shootout or karate scene. They knew these were the heart and soul of a John or Jackie picture, and they wanted to do them right. They wanted to challenge themselves and do something new and top anything that anyone else had ever done. They didn't even think about delivering on schedule. In fact that would have been an insult to the art of Cinema to deliver it on schedule. They purposely didn't deliver it on schedule. FUCK the schedule and FUCK YOU for even bringing it up. Asshole.
Not you, I'm talking to Hollywood.
In Hong Kong, Jackie and his buddies couldn't afford air cushions, so they jumped off of buildings onto cardboard boxes and matresses. They couldn't get insured, so they said "Fuck it." (But in Chinese.) They ran over cars and jumped off of buildings and ran up walls and jumped motorcycles onto moving trains and jumped through windows and also kicked each other I suppose and although they must have thought a little bit about safety because they never died, that wasn't the number one priority. They wanted to do the best stunts. There is the story about how Jackie jumped off a building and broke his back and as soon as he got healed, he went back and did the same stunt again and got it right.
You see, passion. That is something nobody in america would consider. No passion. We suck.
In John Woo's classic film Hard Boiled, you got stunt men skidding around on motorcycles, rolling around on gurneys, shooting ten hundred thousand million bullets while holding a baby. All the important stuff you don't ever see in american pictures because it's not safe. These are stuntmen that do crazy shit, shit that nobody in their right mind would do, and no American union would allow. And you know why they do it?
The passion. The perfectionism.
And you know what else, Hard Boiled is about as violent as any movie could ever be and that is why it could not possibly be released with a rating in America, because its passion is too big for our rules.
So what I am saying to all you artists and stunt people out there, is let's see some god damn passion for cryin out loud. Let's forget about the rules, the schedules, and the systems. Let's see some guys who are willing to die for the Cinema. I think it is appropriate that I am asking you this on Memorial Day, a day that honors the individuals who got shot or blown up for what they believed in.
Well you and I, we believe in something else, and that is Cinema. Let's do it guys. God bless the Cinema. My home sweet home.
--Vern
Well I bet the one or two of you who actually care about me are wondering, what the fuck happened to Vern. Where is his column. Why is he late. Did that Jet Li movie really make him so sad. What a puss.
The truth is I have been doing alot of soul searching, alot of introspective type work, alot of thinking, and all that type of garbage. You might say I am on a journey to find myself, or I am on an exploration of my past, or I am depressed, however in my opinion all of those things sound kind of fruity.
Whatever you want to call it, watching My Father Is a Hero really made me sad, especially when I found out this is the same picture the motherfuckers at Dimension or whoever have released as The Enforcer. The picture on the front shows Jet kicking a dude and although his son, Little Vern, is mentioned on the back, they really make it sound like he's not in it that much. And I'll tell you what folks that made a motherfucker even sadder to see my fellow americans pulling this kind of garbage on Jet and Little Vern.
Plus, what in fuck's name does The Enforcer mean? It doesn't make any damn sense. And I am afraid in this case I'm gonna have to assume whoever is responsible is retards and not dadaists.
It just hasn't been a good couple a weeks for ol' Vern. For one thing I finally decided to take my stand and dump the reel.com banners. These fuckers have been jerkin my dick around for more than half a year now. I e-mailed them probaly ten times tellin them that not a single cent had shown up on the reports for their affiliate program. Every time they explained that they were gettin to the bottom of it. As a positive individual I was willing to give them a second, third, fourth and tenth chance. Then I finally gave up, took off the banners, and the next day heard that the fuckers are going out of business. So not only will I not get my money, not only will I not be able to take away business from them, I also will not be able to buy my dvds at affordable prices. Shit. Teach me to be passive.
So you see here I am thinking about my past and my pop and how much I am like him and how much I don't want to be like him. But he has passed it on, he has given me the curse and it is something I will always try to escape and never be able to. And I think about my present here as the outcast of the online film critic community. Even some of my buds aren't asnwering my e-mails anymore. I am alot older and I represent a different lifestyle, I am not of this time or place. Sometimes I feel like I am up in my castle by myself, shunned by the world, wanting to strike out at them. Sometimes a motherfucker feels a little like Dracula.
And that being the case, the fact is sometimes there comes a time in a man's life when a man has to watch 11 Dracula movies in a row. I am talking about Dracula pictures such as Universal's Dracula and Dracula in Spanish and Frank Langella's Dracula 1979. Or Hammer's Dracula - Prince of Darkness and Satanic Rites of Dracula. As well as the Draculas the German's have to offer, such as F.W. Murnau's Nosferatu and Werner Herzog's Nosferatu and Blood of Dracula which stars a German. Hell I am even talking about Mary Shelly's Dracula starring Gary Oldman. And others.
There are many differnt types of Draculas and many different styles, and as a positive open minded type individual I feel that I am accepting of most Draculas. It is hard to choose a favorite because they all have their own strengths and weaknesses.
The best looking Dracula in my opinion is the German, Nosferatu. This is a silent film made by the German's in about 1910 or 1930. In this one his name is Count Orlok and he has longer fingers than most Draculas, but everybody fucking knows he's supposed to be Dracula. Who do you think you're fooling, Murnau? Even Bram Stoker's widow knew it and she sued these krauts for everything they were worth, which was nothing except the prints. So she tried her damndest to have all of the prints destroyed. There was a film preservation movement at the time but, in my opinion, Mrs. Stoker was not a part of it.
Well let's be honest the filmic devices of this particular piece are a little bit crude. There is very little flow from the editing and what not. The camera had to stay pretty still in those days and I mean jesus the acting can get pretty bad in the silent films, by today's standards. However, that bald, rat looking bitch of a Dracula is the best ever as far as looks, in my book. This dude is a fucking FREAK. Rat teeth, hairy eyebrows, big shoulders. And his fingers grow longer throughout the movie. Hell I bet he would have some kind of combover if he could figure out a way to do it with the little puffs of hair above his pointy ears. This is probaly the closest to the disgusting Dracula of the book who even has hairy palms, which in that more naive time did not have the same connotation of jerkin off.
Hell I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Nosferatu is one of the top two or three film monsters of all time. And yes, that includes both Predator and X-Man for all you nerds out there.
The other Nosferatu is the one made in the '70s which is one of the best Draculas ever. It is pretty close to the book in many ways with an extra emphasis on rats. Alot of people think Dracula is only a bat type of monster, however in the book he also controls wolves, rats, snow, and moths. Here Dracula is paralleled to the bubonic plague and when he arrives on a derelict ship he brings a hundred million filthy rats.
This picture is also closely based on the first Nosferatu but to be honest it was nice to have this version of the story told with dialogue and images set to specific music and what not. It is a very beautiful orchestra of a movie and plus this Klaus Klinski freak who plays Dracula, I mean jesus. The guy is weird. He seems like somebody who would end up your roommate, except with fangs. It makes it extra funny to see Jonathan Harker trying to be a polite guest when this guy 1) won't eat any food 2) acts all freaky when Jonathan cuts his finger and 3) has white skin, bald head and pointy rat ears.
This does not have the same visual invention as the original Nosferatu but shit if it isn't pretty as all fuck. If you look at the cover for the video or dvd you will see that it is a great illustrated poster, with an exquisitively drawn depiction of the rat freak himself leaning over the prone, pale Isabelle Adjani. This is taken from the climax of the movie, a shot that is as beautiful as any photograph ever taken of an ugly rat faced bastard leaning over a gal, so beautifully lit and composed it might as well be a painting itself. And it is held for what seems like an eternity as the sun rises and destroys the poor sap.
I mean can you imagine being this fucker and hearing that cockadoodle doo and realizing - whoops. What a nightmare for this Nosferatu feller.
Another very excellent Dracula is of course Bela Lugosi. This version came after Nosferatu when the Cinema technicians had already said, "Jesus, we forgot to put sound in movies." But still it is very much in the tradition of silent films, and there is no music except for the opening. Well, on the DVD you can put on music by Philip Glass if you're that hard up but for the rest of us, no music.
This one isn't as creative visually as Nosferatu but it has some of the best atmosphere of any Dracula picture. Tod Browning the director of Freaks did this one and he knows what to do with the fog and what not. In fact this picture INVENTED most of the haunted house/Halloween type cliches - spider webs, bats, fog, moon etc. One cliche that unfortunately did not stick was the armadillo. There is a herd of armadillos running through Dracula's house in this one and I think that's creepy as all fuck but apparently the universal unconscious didn't agree with me because armadillos to this day are overlooked as scary animals.
One thing Universal did that the Germans didn't have the balls to do was make another version just for Mexicans and Spaniards. This is called Dracula - The Spanish Version and comes on the same DVD as the American version. They filmed this the same night on the same sets but some people consider it better. It has some extra camera movement and what not, the spanish speakers were trying to top the Lugosi version, it was a very competitive spirit. I mean they did a good job, can't figure out what in fuck's name they're talking about being an English speaker, but I guess that's the point. Anyway there is more fog and more rats, although no armadillos I believe.
Also, always trying to keep up with the Germans, Universal made a '70s version of Dracula. This one starred Frank Langella as Dracula, Laurence Olivier as Van Helsing and Donald Dr. Loomis Pleasance as Dr. Seward. It was directed by John Badham the director of Saturday Night Fever and I believe some movie about a talking helicopter.
Like the Lugosi version this one was based on a play and not on the book, but it is a little closer to the book in some ways. There is a wolf there for example. However unlike the book this one is known for its sexy Dracula. There is a sex scene that is pretty hot if not held up to the standards of hardcore pornographical works in regards to nudity and penetration.
I never saw this one before and I didn't think it would be good but actually I kind of liked it, mainly for the acting. Laurence Olivier has a remarkable performance as Dracula's legendary arch nemesis. I mean he's no Laurence Olivier but...
No, just kidding. That was only a joke added for humor. I like to put a little humor in my writings in my opinion. It is to lighten things up, or to hide my true feelings of despair, etc.
The main thing I liked was actually Frank Langella. I know now he is mostly famous for messing around with Whoopi Goldberg but he was actually a good actor. Not to sound gay but in this movie he is handsome and he has this quiet, deep voice and accent that are perfect for a mysterious, romantic Dracula. If you're into that kind of thing.
Speaking of the gay Dracula Udo Kier plays him in Blood For Dracula also known as Andy Warhol's Dracula although an individual by the name of Paul Morrissey is the true auteur of the piece, according to the auteur theory which states that the director is the auteur or author of a filmic work or movie.
Actually strictly speaking Udo is not gay since he goes after girls and not boys. But still, I think you know what I'm talking about.
This is a pretty good film although only loosely based on previous Draculas. In this version he is weak and dying and has to go to Italy to suck virgin blood or he will die. He and his assistant stay in a rich family's mansion where he is introduced to each of four daughters hoping to marry one of them. Only one of them is a virgin but they all claim to be, but he really can't stand impure blood. So what I'm getting at is there are two long scenes of him in the bathroom puking up blood. Which if I remember correctly was not in the novel.
It is some pretty good satire mixed in here I guess, I didn't catch most of it but they talk about it on the commentary track. One part I thought was funny was the family gardener who is porking most of the daughters. First we see him exploiting and even raping the daughters. He is just a big asswipe in my opinion. But then he's the only one who figures out that Dracula's a vampire and tries to stop him, so he's almost like the Van Helsing in this movie.
When he finds out the virgin blood deal, he is able to use the classic pickup line, "How bout losin that, eh, vuhginity of yahs."
I also watched two of Hammer's Christopher Lee Draculas although I fucked up and didn't get the first one. First I watched Dracula - Prince of Darkness but when it opened with flashbacks from the first Dracula I realized that it was, in fact, the second one. But in this one Dracula has a freaky assistant who kills people and uses the blood to resurrect the dust of Dracula. Then Christopher Lee goes around and bites people. He doesn't talk in this one but he has a good presence.
The next one I watched was Satanic Rites of Dracula, and I figured okay, this must be the first one then. But I was pretty sure I was wrong when the opening credits are over '70s London. This one is sort of a cop movie about cops trying to hunt catch Dracula. Actually the main culprits are a satanic cult who pour blood on naked ladies and then have a scientist develop a killer virus for them. Turns out they are doing this because of Dracula. And then Dracula makes some big speeches about it while Peter Cushing as Van Helsing tries to stop him, mainly from releasing the virus but also from making speeches.
What I liked about this one is the satanic cult, because satanic cults were much cooler in the '70s. They had white man afros and sunglasses and they drive around on motorcycles and what not. They were related to the hippie and biker cultures so they just dressed a lot better. None of this robe shit.
But you know what, the real magic of the Christopher Lee Dracula movies is, in my opinion, Christopher Lee. Unfortunately, he has a pretty small part in most of them. One exception is Dracula - Father and Son.
If you haven't heard of this one well that is only because you aren't as cultured as an individual such as myself. It is not made by Hammer, it's made by Gaumont, the French company that made Fifth Element. This is a comedy where Dracula has a son. Lee gets to do everything - the romance, the scariness, and all in the name of the big C, comedy. The story is about Dracula's relationship with his son Ferdinand, who is whiny and wimpy and completely lacking in the Dracula family elegance.
Dracula has alot more to do here than in, say, the satanic rights movie. He falls in love, he teaches his son how to drink blood, and they fight over a woman. Not all of the jokes work but most of them do and they are played straight enough that even the bad ones aren't embarassing. I would recommend this picture in my opinion.
Another Dracula I saw was this fancy ass Frances Ford Coppola version from 1992. This one has Winona Ryder and the dude from The Matrix as well as Anthony Hopkins long before his starmaking role in Titus.
The gimmick is that this one is more faithful to the book, with the exception that in this one Dracula has this whole ridiculous origin story of how he was cursed by God and his fiancee killed herself when he was off fighting the crusades and then Mina is actually the reincarnation of his love and they meet each other and fall in love and there's this whole romance and then at the end everyone agrees that she should be the one to kill him and she does it save his soul and it's all romantic. So other than the entire core of the story being 100% different, it is more faithful to the book.
There is some good stylistic experimentation in this one. Very fancy photographical techniques and optical effects such as superimposing evil eyes over the sky, etc. It really is nice to look at and there is good music and Winona Ryder makes a nice Mina, she looks almost like a porcelain doll sometimes.
Anthony Hopkins is the only Van Helsing I've seen that attempts to use his crazy side from the book. For example they used the great moment where Lucy has died and Van Helsing tells her husband, with questionable tact, that he would like to cut out her heart and chop off her head. I liked it better in the book because I think he really thought it was a reasonable thing to say, but oh well. The dude is a fucking nut in this movie so I will give the role a thumbs up.
Unfortunately there are a couple other major casting mistakes in this picture. One of them is the dude from The Matrix who really seems like a dumbass and doesn't have a believable English type accent at all. And I don't think I am the only one who was disappointed that he didn't do any kung fu in the picture. Look if you're going to cast a martial arts star in a movie you are going to have to take advantage of their talents of the audience is going to be disappointed there pal.
But the biggest mistake, the thing that makes this movie not work at all, is the casting of one of the other fairly important characters, Dracula. Gary Oldman is an actor I liked alot in Fifth Element and etc. But here they are trying to make him into a more sympathetic Dracula. They are trying to make him seductive and romantic, which he ain't. They are trying to make him charismatic enough that you can understand where he is coming from even though he's killing people. But you can't. They are trying to make him reasonably likable.
But Frances, this is Gary Oldman!
Let me ask you a question. Have you EVER seen a movie where Gary Oldman is likable? I'm sorry, the man is a brilliant actor, but LIKABLE?
HA!
If only the filmmakers had been able to watch Romeo is Bleeding they would have known - don't even think of casting this fucker as Dracula! A vampire doesn't have a soul, and Gary Oldman doesn't have sympathy.
And especially when Mina is screwing the dude and she doesn't even know him. I mean, this is Gary Oldman. Not Carey Grant or Rudy Ray Moore. It is not believable that this ugly freak could be such a Casanova.
There was one plus side to Gary Oldman's performance, it was very funny that he tries to imitate Bela Lugosi's accent. Especially because his Transylvanian accent isn't that far removed from his Drexl the white pimp accent in True Romance.
Since Gary Oldman, there has only been one other prominent individual to essay the role - I am talking of course about Philip Fondacaro. The Creeps is a little seen picture which tried to revive the 3-D film process during its brief theatrical type run, although this does not survive on video. The story is very much in the classic horror tradition, using a pretty far fetched excuse to resurrect the "cultural archetypes" of Dracula, the wolfman, the mummy and a Frankenstein, all together in the same movie.
This is not one of the better pictures in my opinion. The acting is very bad, the writing and direction is alot worse. On the other hand it is good to see characters such as the Dracula and the wolfman and etc. treated in a modern film without any major shenanigans. For example if anybody saw that so-called Mummy picture that came out last year, I mean jesus. That mummy didn't even have bandages, it's obviously not a mummy I don't know who they think they're fooling but it's not me.
Fondacaro is closest to the Lugosi tradition of Dracula, although his accent is Hispanic and he sports a beard and long hair for the role. Still, he treats the role with respect and without the same kind of noodling and hysterics as Oldman I would have to say, even if he's a little stilted, he makes a better Dracula than Oldman. Sorry bud.
The other monsters in the film don't get as much to do, they do not talk but only grunt and drool. But again, they do an admirable job with what they have to work with, and are helped by some pretty good makeup work.
One thing I forgot to mention, they are all midgets. The virgin that is being sacrificed escapes halfway through, so the ritual goes wrong and they come out as midgets.
It probaly goes without saying this one is from Full Moon pictures and Charles Band. I don't know what happened to this dude when he was growing up, but he has made about 700 movies all about little dudes that kill. Everything from Ghoulies to Puppetmasters to Demonic Toys to Subspecies. Although he is not directly responsible for the Leprechaun series, he is their obvious forefather and inspiration.
Anyway I'm not sure this retard will ever make a halfway decent picture, but at least he's got the right idea by doing a midget Dracula, in my opinion.
You see, there are many different Draculas in this world. There are German Draculas with pointy rat ears, there are gay Draculas, suave Draculas, old Draculas. There are even short Draculas, Blaculas, you name it.
When you really look at it you start to realize that you aren't the only lonely motherfucker in this world. And at least you have a better chance for social acceptance than this Nosferatu. I mean no offense but that guy is some kind of freak. But I'm sure he is facing all the same problems as the rest of us, I guess.
--Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #35 - Vern's summer preview
Well, tomorrow is the first official, scientific day of summer, and you know what that means - time to go to the beach, and it will be sunny, and you go on a vacation, and all that crap. Well in between all those summer activities, you can go to the movies as well, as far as I'm concerned anyway. I know if you go to a matinee you will come out of the movie and it's all sunny and your eyes hurt like fuck, but sometimes it is worth it. Let's face it gang being a movie watcher is a year round job and who the fuck likes sand castles that much anyway.
So in honor of that notion here is the first ever annual Vern's Summer Movie Preview column, a guide to what movies come out and my asinine predictions about which ones will be good and what not. I know this is a weird idea for a column but you will get the hang of it after a few paragraphs.
JUNE 23
Chicken Impossible
This is a movie about chickens they have been advertising alot. Apparently it is a parody of Mission Impossible and Gladiator. But it also uses the theme song from The Great Escape.
What this is is about chickens who try to escape from a chicken farm where they are going to be butchered. Now personally I don't expect this to be one of the most gritty and realistic pictures about imprisonment of all time. However it is the only major prison film this year, so I will be keeping a look out. As a poet, I am willing to accept a metaphor such as a chicken in place of my fellow cons.
Me, Myself and Irene
This is a comedy about Jim Carrey beats himself up. He has a split personality.
JUNE 30
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
This is another one of those deals where they combine a cartoon with a non cartoon. Rocky and Bullwinkle come to the earth to fight Robert Deniro.
The preview ads give away that the squirrel can't fly until the end. But I guess it's obvious anyway. They make little comments that are referring to fad tv shows look You Want To Be a Millionaire and what not. Hopefully it is funnier in the picture.
I don't know what to say about this one but yes, the squirrel flies.
JUNE 28th
The Patriot
Now this is what I call garbage. Garbage garbage garbage. Have you ever seen a movie that was nothing but garbage? I have not seen this movie yet but I think it will be garbage.
Now maybe I'm wrong but hell man I can't help but be suspicious of any movie that takes this Lick My Balls approach to wooing an american audience. (See my review of Armageddon for more information on this bullshit con). First you call the movie "The Patriot." And you don't be ironic about it. The movie is about a great american patriot during the American Revolution, and about his son. Both played by australians. They fucking KNEW this american patriot crap was bullshit to the point where they couldn't even get american actors to appear in the film.
I mean they might as well have you stand up and do the flag salute in the middle of this ad. That narrator was trying so hard to push my buttons I still got bruises. "They killed his wife, his grandmother, his son, they peed on the american flag. They wiped their ass with a picture of Princess Diana. They kidnapped all the orphans and set them on fire. They blew up the space shuttle, they dug up Mother Teresa's grave, they took pictures of her body in lewd poses. You don't even want to fucking KNOW what they did with her panties. America is number one, you are number one, we love you all, you are the best, don't let these fuckers get away with it, JUNE 28TH, WE WILL GET THE BASTARDS BACK, JUST BE THERE AND YOU WILL SEE."
Well don't fucking count on it, guys. The Patriot is the winner of Vern's You Gotta Be Fuckin Kiddin Me award for June. I may look like an ass but you know what they say about that, it makes an ass out of you and me. I'm not as dumb as I look. I'm gonna be washing my hair that day.
The Perfect Storm
In this one, George Clooney and a bunch of other guys are fishermen. It is a lot like Cockfighter, they love to fish and they do it obsessively, even at the expense of ever getting laid or a meaningful relationship outside of male bonding. I don't know what is wrong with these dudes but at least they are passionate about something.
So they go out in a boat and what happens, some type of big ass storm. And there is alot of waves and screaming and "WE GOT 4.1 MILLION DOLLARS OF FISH ON THAT BOAT!" and all that type of nonsense. I think they will try to save the fish. I bet there will be one guy that sacrifices himself so that they can get the load of fish to the fish market on time. And there will be a shot of George Clooney and there is water dripping down his face but then you realize wait a minute, one of those drops is actually a tear. And he does a little salute to the hero who died for the fish. It will be that kind of movie, in my opinion.
This is pretty much the stupidest idea for a movie I have heard in a long time but I'm gonna go ahead and say, let's give it a chance. Anybody with the balls to make a movie about how much men love to be packed into a boat that smells like fish, let's give them the go ahead. They are obviously some kind of mad genius of some kind if they make a stupid ass idea for a movie like fishing and convince people it'll fly.
JULY 7
Disney's The Kid
Bruce my man, what have you gotten yourself into this time. This is about how Bruce runs into a fat kid that was actually him when he was little. He remembers all of the school of hard knocks type business that happened to him when he was a kid. But then his life as a rich cold-hearted radio advice show man is empty and sad. So he takes the fat kid on a magical plane ride and the kid goes "HOLY SMOKES!" and I'm sure there is some crying in this one too. Jesus Bruce.
This is not the first movie Bruce has made about him going around with a little kid. Hell, it's not even the third one if you count North. But it is the first he's made where the name of the corporation that made the screenplay is part of the title. Might as well call him Disney's Bruce Willis, I'm starting to worry.
I hope you got something better in the works Bruce.
JULY 14th
X-Man
I saw the ad for this one today and it looks like maybe the nerds are onto something. This is about how much the politicians hate mutants. There are alot of different mutants and it says all their names. Frogman. Wolfman. There is a naked gal with blue reptile skin. Probaly not the best type of surface to rub your dick against but hell I'm not gonna be judgmental.
This looks different from alot of the other comic book type movies. Instead of having one gimmick type bad guy, there are many many characters and two different sides to the issue. Magnetman is the more militant side who doesn't like the fucking humans. X-Man is more of the pussy whipped uncle tom side I believe, although also has some good points. It looks very dramatic and political but it is about frog men and a guy with one eye that shoots laser beams out of his sunglasses and there is apparently some kind of dance sequence on top of the Statue of Liberty as well.
I will have to give it to the nerds, they were ahead of me on this one but now I'm going to try to see it. Touche.
JULY 21
P2K the Movie Pokeyman 2000 Millennium
This is a cartoon taken from japan to trick the kids.
JULY 28th
Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Shame on you. Shame shame shame on all you fuckers that are going to see this one. You fucking know it's about eddie murphy dressing up as a bunch of fat dudes and he farts and dances around. There is probaly going to be a part where he sits on somebody. There will be a chair that breaks and alot of eating. The dad says, "I ain't goin on a diet, I like to eat pork chops every day with frostin on 'em," and the audience goes, "Ha ha ha, if only he knew that is what makes him so fat!" And then Professor Herman Klump goes, "I like to eat the food as well, that is why I am sad" and the audience goes, "ahhh, poor Herman." And then he falls on his ass and wiggles his legs around like a turtle but he can't get back up.
What in fuck's name is wrong with you people, jesus.
Thomas and the Magic Railroad
Now this is the one to look out for, T1. I think T1 will be the freakiest movie to come out this summer. What it is about is a magical talking train and all of his friends. Alex Baldwin plays the magical train conductor. He rides on the train and he is very friendly. He goes flying through the air. There is alot of laughs when the model trains say funny things. It is all sunny and nice and everyone talks in a slow, gentle voice with a british accent. There is magical gold dust that they have to get in order for the magical trains to have fun.
Holy fucking christ I don't think I've ever seen a movie ad this freaky before. I think T1 may be the surprise hit of the summer in my opinion.
AUGUST 4th
The Hollow Man
Don't let the title fool you, this is about an invisible man, not a hollow man. Not sure if it is some kind of typo or what.
Kevin Bacon plays the invisible man, and he is some kind of pervert. I think he goes around feeling gals up or something. Some kind of invisible stalker movie. But no this is not going to be like Zapped. I think it is more of a dark creepy movie about how any one of us if we were invisible, would be liable to turn into some kind of sicko pervert. Human nature they call it.
Well Paul Verhoeven is the director on this one and he is a director we can always count on. Because what he likes to do is make sarcastic space movies or a big budget remake of All About Eve with strippers or a movie about a robotic cop that throws people into a bunch of acid as part of his civic duty. He is always trying to fuck with people and I think it is kind of charming. I don't know if he'll ever make a great movie but at least he's not licking our balls with this american patriot, astronaut type shit. Paul is the opposite of all that so I give him the outlaw seal of approval.
One of my best readers ever worked on the special effects for this movie. He knows who he is. Peace out bud. Well he told me that he has seen footage of the movie and "it looks like something we don't have to be embarrassed of." Well in my opinion that should go on the poster. This one is going to be the least embarrassing movie of the summer if everything turns out right.
Space Cowboys
All I know about this one is that it stars Clint Eastwood. If it is really about space cowboys then I will be there. I know the Full Moon series Oblivion, "this time, it's cowboys and aliens" isn't supposed to be that good. But hell, if there's one thing I've learned in the last week it's that Christopher Lee can be in some pretty raggedy ass Jess Franco type pictures and make them worthwhile. No reason why Clint can't elevate the Full Moon films to a new level of stomachableness.
Mad About Mambo (limited release)
Alot of men won't admit that they like Felicity. I don't speak personally it is just something I have noticed.
This one is about some Irish soccer player gets a mambo dancers to teach him rhythm so he can be more like Pele. There is probaly some type of romance involved as well.
AUGUST 11
Kings of Comedy
When I first read about this one I said YES, but then I realized it wasn't a sequel to Martin Scorsese's best film. Still, it is some kind of standup movie, and as you know I am a MAJOR proponent of the standup picture. Even if this one doesn't have virginity's chance in C-block of matching a Richard Pryor standup film, it is still an admirable attempt I hope.
Cecil B. Demented (limited release)
John Waters did this one about a b-movie director and/or terrorist who kidnaps a famous star and forces her to be in his movie. I hope this one will show people that real filmmaking is about passion and dedication and not about formulas and box office numbers and what not.
AUGUST 18th
The Cell
In this one Jennifer Lopez wears the armor from Bram Stoker's Dracula to fight a virtual reality serial killer in a fantasy world of minotaur men. I wouldn't be surprised if there are even hobbits in this one. Not sure to make of this one until I see it.
Godzilla 2000
If this is anything like Blues Brothers 2000 then I will have to pass.
Well having said many insightful things about this upcoming season I feel my job here is done. I think I have proven my point that there are many movies coming out this summer. Now I am not telling you fucks to stay indoors all day long and just stare at a big screen and avoid all human contact except when you're yelling at the popcorn kid because you forgot to tell him to not put butter on. All I'm saying is don't give up on movies just because it is summer. There is still a few pictures you should see although most of them are about farting and american flags.
See you at the movies
--Vern