VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #16 - Motherfucker in the Mainstream?
Last week as you know I presented to you the first annual Vern's motherfuckin Outlaw Awards. I really wanted to make a real event of this, to bring more attention to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club. so I had that cokehead Walter Leno whip up a press release about it, real professional and all. I sent it out to a couple people, one of them being the ain't it cool news since they had been Positive enough to print my Curtis Mayfield piece the week before.
Well to my surprise this Father Geek charcater must respect my work, either that or he's making fun of me because he posted the press release as is. (Well, at the end he Wrote "catch you later" which neither me or walter actually Wrote, that was pure fabrication.)
Now I think some of you motherfuckers might be kind of concerned about ol' Vern. Here he is on a popular mainstream type sight, he's got some pretty boy cokehead Writing everything for him all slicklike. That motherfucker has SOLD THE FUCK OUT!
So for you worrying motherfuckers, I have a little story. Most of you have probaly heard by now I was in prison for a while up until last August, well that is where this tale takes place. You see, in the joint we had special entertainment evenings about every month or so. What they do is they hire some poor sap standup comedian to perform for a "captive audience" if you know what I mean. (Meaning we were in prison.)
I don't know where they get these guys. I don't even have a clue what kind of scene or school of comedy they might come out of, or if they are good or bad. for all I know these guys could have been the next Richard Pryor but the thing is, you can't hear hardly a word they say! The moment they step out on the stage and start crackin wise, the audience eats them alive. FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER I'M GONNA STICK IT SO FAR UP YOUR CORNHOLE etc. etc.
You got about 100 deep voiced bank robbers, rapists and killers overlapping vulgarities at the top of their lungs and the poor comedian doesn't know what hit him. This is what it sounds like:
Good evening gentlemen it's good to be here... well, for me anyway, probably not SHUT YOUR PRETTY MOUTH YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU COCKSUCKER KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF THAT STAGE AND COME SIT ON MY LAP BABY HAVE YOU ON A LEASH SLIT YOUR THR always going to the bathroom in groups FUCK YOU GONNA KILL YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS COME DO MY LAUNDRY PUNK ASS BITCH MOTHERFU b-because old people d-d-drive really slow, you ever notice how WHITE BOY GONNA STICK MY BIG COCK UP YOUR ASS MOTHE oh jesus sweet jesus please take me away from this nightmare BITCH ASS WHITE MOTHERFUCKER etc.
And of course, the guy eventually runs off the stage and you never see his ass again. But then one time, we did! This motherfucker, just a typical standup comic as far as I could tell, didn't have a good build or anything. He seemed just as terrified as anyone but nevertheless, he stood there and told jokes for the full 45 minutes, and better yet one month later he comes back for more abuse. And I mean we gave it to him. You wouldn't think he could take it once, let alone twice, but he did. Shaking, quivering, nervous as hell but he does his time like a man, he clocks out and the motherfucker even comes back ANOTHER time!
Another month later, as god as my witness, he's back again. Third time. So we gave it to him again like I'm sure he expected and we got more and more graphic with the stuff we yelled at him. We had passed the first and second date with this guy, we were ready to get more intimate. STILL he takes it.
Four months in a row this guy ends up coming, and although nobody admitted it at the time, I think there was an understanding among the prison population that this standup was a standup motherfucker. You had to admire him for standing up to us and trying to tell us jokes, or stories, or recite the pledge of allegiance or whatever the fuck he was mumbling up there underneath our crudities, blsaphemes, death threats and what not.
Unfortunately, on that fourth booking, about 35 minutes into what would have been a 45 minute set, the dude just snapped. Sweat was dripping down his face, he had a crazed look in his eyes and suddenly he just does this high pitched squeal like a pig, sprints right across the white line into the crowd and starts wailing on J.J. Rooker. J. J. would later confess to me early one morning during kitchen duty that he was a big fan of the dude's work and that this incident continued to haunt him for years. We all saw J.J. hesitate that night, and it was clear that it broke his heart that he had to break the funnyman's nose.
Despite and because of this incident, the funnyman became a legend and mythical hero around the yard. People always talked about him, how resilient he was and how god damn funny he was. If you tried to tell a joke they would compare you to him, and it was hard to measure up. Most people admitted that they had secretly liked him, and we hoped that he would come back after his nose healed. We even thought about trying to send him a get well card or putting together a petition to bring him back in case the screws didn't want it.
Well, he never came back. And then one evening, less than a year later, the jay leno program was playing on the tv, and what do you know? There is our funnyman telling jokes at the end of the show! His nose was healed, the scar was barely noticeable and he was getting his big break right there on live tv. And the audience was listening to him!
I was excited to hear what his jokes were like for the first time, but I didn't get my chance. As soon as people recognized that this was our guy, over in LA on some stage somewhere, broadcasting out to the world, they started yelling "SELL OUT!" and then the usual shit about big cocks and bitch motherfuckers and etc.
I watched him, smiling, comfortable, not knowing what we were yelling at him. But I knew his work was still important. I was in the minority, but I felt then and I still feel to this day that that man did not sell out. I mean, assuming his material was in the same spirit of what he was doing before - I have no idea. But if it was, the man didn't sell out because through jay leno he is broadcasting out not just to our facility, but to facilities all around the world, wherever the screws also turn it to leno. He was not just performing to us, he was performing to everyone from riker's island to walla walla, everyone all at once!
I know you like to own him for yourself, you want him to be your punk, but even your punk you are willing to share with your friends, right? This is the same thing. We are sharing him with the world and he is getting his message across to more jockers, and they too are able to appreciate his services. (metaphor)
That said, I don't think anybody has to worry about sharing me either because the whole ain't it cool deal went PRETTY fucking sour in my opinion. On that sight they have a deal called the "talk backs" where all the aint it cool newsies can respond to the story and basically what they say is "Harry you suck you are a big fat sell out why do you print this garbage your sight is horrible and vern is the worst thing that has ever been on it and I will NEVER read this crap again."
Okay that was a paraphrase but I'll give you some actual quotes:
"Somehow I think Joe Bob Briggs has the trailer park reviewing locked up so this person can just go home."
"Harry, is posting this crap really necessary?"
"I agree... It this necessary ? What's next? Verns awards for 'best movies I'll never get to see because I'll have to spend the rest of my miserable life in the slammer'. I mean. Come on....."
"Not anything funnier than things about 15 talkbackers post every day...What gives this guy any credibility?"
"thanks Vern but no one asked for your opinion. It's amazing to see how much growth the internet has had in Alabama."
"Well, guess we should be glad Vernetta didnt see Any Given Sunday - woulda been some kinda 'guy I'd like to soap-assist' award . . . Let's have another Badass list when he remembers where he left his balls........."
"Vern sounds about as smart as a cardboard box and needs to go back to prison. Maybe if he is raped a few more times, then it'll knock some sense into his stupid convictass."
"I say again, with emphasis, this is gay."
Then later there was something about I should be banned from the ain't it cool for life and suck on a syphilitic set of camel balls but I didn't save that one so I can't get the exact quote. One guy said I was retarded, several said I was gay, one guy said I was 14 years old, one said I was 12 and another said I was ten. And things only got worse after I went on and called them "a bunch of drunk fucks" and "KKK motherfuckers" which in my opinion may have rubbed them the wrong way. Anyway I would like to thank the three or four of you who actually stood up to the geek boy lynch mob on my behalf (you know who you are). You really make me proud and keep me going in the hard times such as this.
In retrospective it was naive of me to feel that the ain't it cool newsies would accept someone who was different from them. I feel that I am a Frankenstein or King Kong type individual, who is too strong and too unrefined to exist peacefully among polite and/or geek society. This type of fish out of water scenario inevitably leads to tragedy and we should all be grateful that this was on the internet so no one was hurt or killed. If I had tried to present the Outlaws at one of their fan conventions it might have been a different story.
Anyway there is a happy ending to all this. Yesterday I checked my e-mail and what should be in there but a response to a letter where I told Mr. Bruce Campbell of the Evil Dead and Army of Darkness pictures that I had Written a column about his works. He quoted part of my column and then said:
Hey vern,
Thanks for the support, big guy. Just hope you never have as bad a life as Ash...=)
Best to ya,
Bruce
Thanks Bruce, best to ya as well and a sideways smiling dude right back at ya. It is moments like this that you realize what it is really all about. It is not about pleasing everybody, it is not even always about getting your message out to everybody like the funnyman on jay leno or the ex-con on the ain't it cool news. It is about individuals such as Bruce and myself who work hard for what we love and hopefully I, like Bruce, will be able to get my work out to people who appreciate it, whether that's ten million people across the world or two unbathed heroin addicts in an alley somewhere. As the sun sets in the west or whichever and the beauty of morning blossoms, I can truly say that I am proud to be a Cinema appreciater and reformed ex-con film Writer such as myself, even if it makes those bitch motherfuckers think I'm a ten year old gay retard.
Have a good one everybody
--Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #17 - And the winner is... Bruce Campbell
Hello and welcome to my landmark 17th column. The reason this is so special to a motherfucker like me is that this is the first time I have written a column since seeing the Golden Globe Awards program. I have never watched this show before but as an important film Writer I felt it was my duty, my privelege and oh hell it was my honor to watch this awards broadcast presentation.
You see now that I am a part of the Cinema Writing community I am starting to anticipate the OScars awards ceremony. I know it will not quite be the Outlaw Awards but then what the hell is? You gotta keep an eye even on the mainstream fucks and what they are up to as far as giving awards. Since I have been out of the picture for a while and I wasn't really as much of a Cinema appreciater before going down I really can't remember the last time I saw them. I vaguely remember Marlon Brando's indian gal but that's about it. Anyway according to some information I have researched it turns out that the Golden Globes are one of the major precursors, inspirations and omens for the oscars. They are given out be the foreigner press who I don't think are actually critics, alot of them may just write gossip if I understand correctly. But anyway, they are what alot of dudes apparently use to predict the oscars.
And by the way who are we fooling of course american beauty is gonna win and hell I loved the movie but it's gonna feel kind of anticlimactic in my opinion because people have been overpraising this piece for months and it's starting to get full of itself. And just a by the way within the by the way, I would like to thank David Poland from Roger Ebert's Movies show for saying how the academy doesn't have the BALLS to nominate 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight motherfuckin Club.
But anyway watching the golden globes was a practice run for me. What I did I watched this pre-show deal where all the film workers were arriving, however I do not know a whole lot about the dresses but there was a lot of talk about it, etc. The funniest part was when Ruben the Hurricane came up the red carpet and a reporter, I swear I am not making this up, asked if when he was in prison he ever thought he would be at the golden globe awards. Yeah lady, I thought about it every day in the yard. The other cons thought I was crazy for saying it. "Maybe the Oscars, Hurricane. MAYBE. But the Golden Globes? No fucking WAY you'll be presenting at the Golden Globes."
Again I am not a fucking journalist but I can't believe some of the questions these people were asking. Dick Clark asked Jim Carrey if he was a fan of Andy Kaufman, the guy he just spent a year making a movie about. I mean how many comedians and wrestlers are there he could have asked about that Jim HASN'T played in a movie. And don't tell me Dick hadn't heard of the man on the moon cause this was seconds after Jim had collected a best comedian actor award for the movie.
Even worse, somebody asked Michael J. whatsisdick what he thought about all of the people who have supported him throughout the years. Like he's gonna say, "Well, I suppose a few of them should be acknowledged for that kind of stuff, but really it was me who did all of the work, I am the superstar here, I feel I deserve more credit on this one, please don't mention those fucks ever again in my presence."
I mean if your gonna interview someone why ask a question with only one possible answer? But anyway the Golden Globes or "the globes" as I call them for short was a very interesting program to watch, as far accepting the awards, giving out the awards, commercial breaks etc.
Oh who am I fooling man this shit was dull. I did not know Barb Streisand was even popular anymore but these people would NOT stop talking about her. The only award that didn't seem predictable was Toy Story part 2 winning for comedy picture. It was good to see a cartoon getting this recognition in my opinion, although it's too bad richard pryor star of the first toy movie wasn't there to accept the award.
Anyway if there is ANY justice in this world I know who will be collecting a golden globe next year and that is Mr. Bruce Campbell star of the new television series Jack of All Trades. This is a funny ass show where Bruce plays a swashbuckling secret agent in the pasteristic year 1801. Thomas Jefferson sends him to an island in the west indies where he teams up with a pretty blond british gal to go on secret missions against Napoleans army. The first episode didn't have Napolean in it but it did have his brother, who admits that Napolean is short. Bruce nudges him and says, "Are you kidding? The only question is where did he hide the pot of gold!"
Bruce's character is very similar to the way Ash is in the Army of Darkness film. He is arrogant, sexist and horny but also knows how to fight and especially say great oneliners. I know I am not known as a fella with a sense of humor but this show made me laugh. Bruce's first line in the series: he busts in on some kidnappers and says, "I would've knocked, but my fist had other plans."
Now that in my opinion is a great oneliner and I will personally take on any motherfucker who disagrees. I gotta be honest I don't think I've done that many oneliners in my time. I'm sure I've had some here and there but I can't think of any good ones off the top of my head. You see in the heat of battle it really is hard to come up with something worthwhile. Usually if you say anything at all you just yell like "MOTHERFUCKERRRRR!!!" or whatever. I know some guys who try to get witty but the adrenaline just gets in the way of their thinking and it's just embarrassing. I mean take all the public speaking classes you want, imagining the audience naked isn't gonna help you deliver your monologue when you keep thinking that a guy is about to punch you in the balls. So it turns out something like:
"FUCK YOU!"
"Fuck me? Fuck me? Oh yeah? Fuck this!"
"What?"
"What? What? What this? What you, fuck you."
I mean they just don't make any sense. Or there will be guys who will come up with a line beforehand and have it memorized, use it over and over again which is kind of cheating, and anyway they recite it real stiff like they're reading it off a cue card. Mark my words there will be guys using the fist had other plans line now and if they use it on me I fully intend to cite the source of the quote - Jack of All Trades pilot episode, January 23, 2000, executive producer Bruce Campbell.
Anyway it is great to finally see Bruce on tv. Yeah I know he has done one or two shows here and there, he was the star of Brisco County Jr. cowboy show, he was a regular on Hercules and Xena, he guest starred on x-files, homicide on the street, Ellen degeneres, American Gothic, some soap opera in the '80s etc. but I haven't seen those shows so this is his first show in my opinion. Anyway this show is perfect for his talents, he gets to fight, do stunts but most of all he gets to be funny, and it's a half hour format so he can easily sustain it even if they have some stories that are duds. I mean this is bruce we're talking about here let's face it the man can do it.
Before Jack of All Trades there is another show from the same producers, it is called Cleopatra 2525. And what it's about is not Cleopatra of Egypt fame but instead a stripper from the 21st century who wakes up in the 25th and joins a couple of freedom fighters who live underground and try to reclaim the world from those god damn robots. You can tell they are trying to make cleopatra look like Leloo from the fifth element but I don't care, I can't deny the gal is on the foxy side. Anyway there is some funny ideas in this piece like how the freedom fighters shoot through a trashed and tagged Sistine chapel and don't seem to recognize it as anything other than an old building. But the show is basically pretty dull and unlike jack, the only part where I laughed out loud is the theme song. Something like, "In the year 2525, strong women fighting to survive..."
Maybe it will get better, and it is only half an hour so it's easier to sit through than some of these other shows that are longer. For example shows that are an hour, or two hours. I know alot of these shows are popular now, but to be frankly honest they are 2-3 times longer than Cleopatra 2525, that's even including the commercials. It's not gonna win any Oscars but you do have to give credit for the half hour idea.
Thanks to William C for reminding me to watch Bruce's tv show.
Hey guys, it's me Vern. Author of Vern Tell's It LIke It Is weekly column. Well I am changing the sight around a little bit, adding some new categories and what not so that's why some things might be screwy here and there.
For a minute there I took off the reel.com banners cause I've been having trouble with them and these "Pages That Pay" fuckers. As you may know I signed up for this sponsorship program so you could help a motherfucker out and many of you have been kind enough to do just that. Help a motherfucker out. (me.)
Unfortunately not a cent of orders has shown up on my "pages that pay report", even though I've been reminding them and even sending them the order numbers and what not. They always say they will straighten it out and then they don't. Well now they say it's just not showing up on my report and it's coming through though anyway. I will keep the banners up until next week and if they don't fix the problem those motherfuckers will be sorry they were ever born in a world where the internet connects between them and Vern.
Anyway this week I got a letter from a nice gal named Macy and she pointed me toward a sight that I can hardly believe. This is a movie type sight by a gal by the name of Cool Girl who like me is a big Bruce Campbell fan. Like me, Cool Girl reviewed Jack of All Trades and Cleopatra 2525 last week. Like me, she liked Jack of All Trades but thought Cleopatra was pretty boring. The one major difference between our reviews, in my opinion, is that hers starts out "I recently completed a photo shoot for Playboy," she has naked pictures of herself between paragraphs, and she seems to have a firm pair of knockers that are about as huge as they can get without looking like an abomination of the lord god in heaven.
Now personally I am not into the whole tied-up, needles-sticking-out-of-ass garbage which is also included in her review/photo essay. But what can you do man. I did not know about this Cinema/nudey pictures connection and if there are any of the "movie geeks" as the ain't it cool newsies call themselves who don't know about Cool Girl either, i think they will be pleasantly surprised. What I mean by that is that they will get a boner.
But look bud, I am a man of the 2000s, I am a Positive individual, I know that naked hotties is only one of the top two or three things in life and is not the be all to end all. I know there are many of my readers who may not be into that kind of thing unless they are some kind of straight guy or lesbian. Well trust me you might want to check this one out anyway if you have a chance. After two or three visits I decided to read some of the articles and that is when I discovered that this girl is pretty funny.
You see she does celebrity interviews over the phone or e-mail and I don't know she must have a sexy voice or tell them about her knockers because she gets some good shit. Most of the interviews are short but she doesn't waste any time being blunt. She asks the questions that the entertainment tonight and access hollywood fuckers wouldn't have the BALLS to ask if they watched movies or had human hearts.
She doesn't play the game, she asks the weird and obscene questions that they aren't used to getting, and many of them react with disbelief. I guess this shock-the-celebrity deal could get old fast, but it's not very often you get to see how celebrities react when asked about ten inch cocks or what not. Most of them are polite or even have a sense of humor about it. Like she asks Steven Seagal "Are you and Jean Claude having some private contest to see who can make the most shitty action films?" and he defends himself without seeming to get mad. It's sort of cool because alot of interviewers look down on the dudes movies but you know they'd be kissing ass left and right when they're talking to him. Anyway he can take it, I guess that is because he is a Positive action star with that whole buddhist deal.
Hugh Grant has a sense of humor too, even when she says, "I am just a girl with a webpage talking in front of a boy who got head from a black prostitute." And Garth Brooks takes it very well when she says, "Basically, you're a fat cowboy whose songs all sound the same. What are you getting me for my birthday?"
A couple of them hang up, which you can't really blame them for, and the only one who really throws a tissy fit is this Marilyn Manson: "I don't care if you take me seriously. Your opinions are as unimportant to me as what the backstreet kids next single will be." Pretending he doesn't know that the name of the band is new kids on the block. Whatever bud. Marilyn is pretty uptight for a shock value dude, or maybe was having a bad day I'm not sure.
That dude (and I think it is a dude, although he has nice tits in my opinion) is a fuckin liar though. About Jerry Springer he says, "His show makes me sick. I don't watch it." But you know what, the screws used to watch some of those shows when I was in the can, and that is where I first heard of the marilyn manson. The band was on either springer or jenny jones or one of those... I remember one of the dudes had a manson family lunch box. If anyone can confirm this please let me know. I was only about 35-42% sober at that time.
Anyway Cool Girl also interviews Bruce Campbell, who she loves, and her hero is some artist from the funny pages Scott Adams. So I think she is gonna be real wet dream material for some of you young dudes out there with the star wars and the anime posters.
Speaking of the more geeky individuals JESUS would you stop Writing me asking what I think about x-man. X-man this X-man that everybody X-man wolverine powers activate. I am tired of this garbage and I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't know an X-man from an X-ray so leave me alone. I could tell you what a pokeyman is, I could tell you what a mononoke is, but the x-man is not my territory so PLEASE get ahold of yourselves. I'm sure whoever is playing him will do just fine so keep your panties on.
Anyway that's about it for this week. I'm gonna try to see that titus flick next weekend, and maybe something else. Meanwhile I will be going into the vaults for more of the classics. Well actually I am broke as a joke so I am watching a lot of pictures on cable. Anyway be sure to check out my new section Outlaw Music and let me know what you think if you have the balls. Also please note I am trying to become more established as part of a new year's resolution which is something i NEVER fucking break... last time I DID, I ended up with a BID. So if you have a sight of your own please consider taking this banner I have on the new links page and putting it on yours, but what you do is you put a link on it, so when you click on the banner it will go to my page, you know what I mean? i know it is complicated but e-mail me if you need more detail thanks. it is like a button that you click on, to come here, linked to the page. you know. thanks bud
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #19 - VERN ON ICE
Well that gal Cool Girl who I wrote about last week, turns out she likes my sight too and she asked me to do some guest reviews for her sight. So I hope you won't mind if I direct you over there for a few of my reviews in the near future. I think those of you who are Writers will understand where I'm coming from, it's not very often in a man's career as a Writer that a man gets a chance to write for a Playboy Playmate who does obscene celebrity interviews. So I mean you gotta take your chance when you get it, you can't necessarily wati for the nxt one to come alnogn.
Well as a Positive individual I'm still trying to improve myself both as a Writer and as an American individual in a free society (i.e. I'm not in the can). So in addition to brushing up on the classics of Cinemafilm through the American Movie Classics channel, I am also trying to live some new experiences that maybe I could draw from in my Writing. Unfortunately I have already lived a very exciting life full of mayhem and intrigue, so some of this stuff I am catching up on might be old hat to some of you civilians. Like this week for example, I mean I gotta be honest here, I went ice skating.
Now I had no idea what this would be like. It is a weird feeling because you have these testosterone filled hockey players mingling with little girls in frilly black costumes spinning around on one foot. I didn't know the atmosphere would be so trashy, like a Greyhound station or a bowling alley. I mean they have the same vending machines as a bowling alley, same video games, change machine, claw machine, lockers, cheesy top 40 dj. In fact it's basically the same deal, you pay your money and you tell them your shoe size. And there are people there that would be right at home at a bowling alley, but then you see them spinning around like some whirligig doing all this fancypants figure skating shit. Seriously, there was a guy with camoflage pants and a mustache, looked like he could be driving demolition derby, but he's doing the fucking ice ballet. Another guy with long trucker hair and a bald spot but he's got on this black costume with an open front and no shirt underneath. I mean it's weird shit.
The only other major difference between bowling and ice skating is that in bowling you might be afraid maybe you won't get as many strikes as you want, or the bar will be out of the beers that are shaped like bowling pins, but in ice skating you've got the more prevalent and paralyzing type of fear that you're gonna fall and bust your assbone.
That's right, you read it right, I said I was afraid. I know before I said I was only afraid of one thing in the entire world, heights and spiders. But I guess I can add falling on the ice and breaking my assbone to the list. You're out there sliding along just barely staying on your feet, and these little kids are zipping around bumping into you, I mean jesus it's enough to give a man a heart attack.
So what ended up happening, there are these teenage punks wearing hockey jerseys and suffocating aftershave, they keep skidding out to try to spray ice shavings on each other. And I'm thinking, these little fuckers are degrading the rink, they are putting my very ass at risk. So I had a polite word with them. But thye wouldn't listen, they justt kept doing it. I didn't want to be some fucking authority figure so I decided to let it go. I just kept trying to mind my own business, not fall down and keep the snot from dripping out of my nose. Shit it's coldd in there, but everybody else knew to bring handkerchiefs. but shit man i didn't know.
Other thing I noticed, it's so cold in there that you do end up seeing a lot of nipples standing at attention. I mean female nipples, which isn't all that bad a thing to be surrounded by. I mean in my opinion. But when I noticed this, I realized that this phenomenon of the visible nipples was the only plausible explanation for why this fucked up sport of iceskating has survived the invention of the roller rink.
So anyway I'm considering thsi nipple hypothesis of mine, and lal the sudden, front of my blad e gets caught in one the grooves those skidout kids mad,e but I manage to pushmy weight forward and fall flat on my dick instead of my ass. And by coincidence one of these punk kids is coming up behind me, skates right over my god damn fingers.
"Ooh, sorry man," he says as I'm bleeding all over the damn place.
"'Sorry man'? Sorry? Is that all you have to say for yourself son?" I yelled.
"Hey man, it's cool."
"It's cool? You're tellin me it's cool? Look at me man. What do I look like?"
"What?"
"LOOK at me bitch! What do I look like? Look into my face! What am I? I AM A WRITER."
"What?"
I might as well be talking mexican, he has no clue what I'm trying to tell him. Sweat was dripping down his pimply face.
"What? What do you think what? A Writer needs his god damn fingers if he's gonna write, don't he? And that's what a Writer does, he writes! I don't intend on becoming one of these dudes knows how to type with his feet or a straw coming out of his mouth. So for future reference motherfucker, kindly keep your GOD DAMN BLADES off my FUCKING WRITER'S FINGERS."
And then I clocked the bitch right in the mouth. He lost his balance and with a weird sucking sound, his sweaty face froze to the ice. And I couldn't tell you how they got him off but I can tell you that in the time it took three employees to escort me to the parking lot this motherfucker never got up.
You see I believ there is a reason why the wheel was invented. Ice skates I'm sure seemed like a good idea at the time but then rollerskates came along and I mean, let's be serious here jack. The ice skating rink is an inferior invention because it degrades exponentiastically with each lap a motherfucker takes. The more you skate the more grooves and scrapes and holes and dents there are for your blade to get stuck on and send you to the ass ward.
Even these pricks that get good at ice skating, I think they still have the fear of the assbreaking deep in their hearts and it always has them on edge. I mean how else do you explain it, how crazy the hockey players are, or these ice skater gals who club each other's knees, or of course the canadians.
It is a sad fact of nature that certain elements combine to create disaster. Natural gases can combine with fire and the results will be deadly. A cat, when placed in water, will go crazy and attack anything in its reach. You put a man on ice against his will and you get a similar outcome. Even a Positive individual such as myself can act out with Negativity and violence.
So anyway if you see a lot of typesos this week you should understand that i am nursing my owunds, both the wounds of the fingers and those of the conscience. And thisngs will definitely be getting better as they heal, or at least as long as the fingers heal anyway. They seem to act up when it gets cold but hey man i've lived with worse to be frankly honest. Oh well this is not the type of Negativity I expected in the sanctuary of the ice skating rink, but it is this type of experience that I feel will help me to continue growing as Writer especially if nobody is seriously injured thanks bud.
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #20 - Just plain pathetic
Well if there is one thing I am it is I am an honest man and that is why it's called Vern Tell's It Like It Is. So to be frankly honest bud what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna recommend you don't even bother reading the column this week. Because all it's gonna be is a sad old ex-con on valentine's day. So unless you're into that kind of thing and I guess you never know maybe that's your kick or whatever, fine, but the rest of you better move on there's nothin to see here.
But like I said I'm tellin it like it is so if Vern is sad then the column is sad and there's no two ways about it. And if you'd rather I just grin and bear then I got one word for you, fuck you motherfucker. This is about the Truth, pal.
And the truth is it's valentines day and ol' Vern is not so much a bad motherfucker as a sad motherfucker. You always hear about how much people hate valentine's day because they're single and it makes them sad to be alone when everybody else is eating chocolate or all greased up rolling around in a bathtub or whatever. Well for quite a few years now I always figured no problem, I don't care if I'm single, I have a pretty good excuse due to being imprisoned and what not. And plus it's not like I didn't get my chance, I mean there were alot of young gals on the outside dying to get married but I'm just not that type of guy, the marry a gal but you're in prison type of guy.
But now here I am on the outside and I gotta be honest, of all the young gals I have been with in the past months of freedom there has not been one with that perfect match type of feel. And when the valentine's love is in the air you start thinking wait a minute now, maybe at my age I need to stop trying to get laid and start trying to get paid - paid being a metaphor for falling in love. I really have not found that special someone, I have not found a muse or a Bonnie and I am getting old and there are also some anger issues as well as a few comments that were in poor taste after a recent threesome and well anyway, long story short it looks like I'll be sitting this one out. But hell it's not even that, it's just a sad time anyway because there's nothing but death and sorrow in the air and hell, even in the airwaves.
Like last night I'm watching the Simpsons, right? It's a funny cartoon, there are these yellow people, I mean it's hard to explain but I'm sure if you check it out some time you will know what I'm talking about, it's some pretty funny shit most of the time. But last night was about Homer's neighbor Ned lost his wife, she fell off some bleachers and died. And the episode was funny but then it's about this gal died and this poor bastard is living on his own and he's too nice to be angry at Homer even though it was kind of his fault she died. And he has two kids and they lost their mama. I mean jesus this is some sad shit.
Then after that homicide the movie. Same deal. Don't mean to give anything away but Yaphet Kotto from Alien bites it at the end.
But worse than that, in real life we got people dying right and left. Jim Varney from toy story part 2 died of cancer and he was only 50. And of course you know Charles Schulz of the peanuts cartoons died on Saturday. I guess we can be kind of happy for him. This guy is a true Artist, his work is his life even if it's just the funnies. So in a way it is fitting that he died the day before his last strip ran. He put his life straight into Peanuts and he never had to bear life after Peanuts. But I'm sure sad to see him go.
Now I haven't found this online anywhere so hopefully it's not true but I also heard that Screamin Jay Hawkins died on that same day. Well damn, I know some of you are into the horror Cinema, well this guy was horror rock n roll, he used to carry skulls around and his music was great and crazy. He sang "I put a spell on you", "alligator wine," I mean this guy was great. Good luck jay.
Now I'm also very broken up because on that same day there was yet another loss to the arts, Mr. Roger Vadim passed away. Most of you may not have heard of this filmmaker who I believe was french, his most famous piece here would be the jane fonda science fiction picture Barbarella, a very sexy and funny space film. But Vadim was kind of a personal hero of mine because of his book, My Life With the Three Most Beautiful Women in the World. You see, this is the man who discovered and fell in love with Brigitte Bardot, then he also fell in love with Jane Fonda and Catherine Deneauve, and he had at least two other wives I never heard of and for all we know they were just as hot. And anyway he wrote a book about it which is a pretty cocky thing to do but hey you gotta have self confidence in my opinion.
But in addition to his sex life Vadim was famous as a filmmaker. His films showed a strong visual type imagination and were very sensual, which means they give you a boner. Vadim was all over, he worked in france, italy and america, and he was one of the lesser known originators of a little movement I call the frenchy's new wave. That's why this guy was able to do Spirits of the Dead along with Louis Malle and Federico Fellini. These are three edgar alen poe tales, the first one by vadim and starring, that's right, sweet young Jane Fonda, but talking in french. Fellini's chapter is kind of futuristic and it's some real freaked out shit, I think you will like it.
I have a theory about Luc Besson, he was infatuated with that wild girl Milla Jovovich while he made Fifth Element and The MEssenger, and that's why he knows how to photographically make her look more gorgeous than anyone else can. But his infatuation is strongest when he watches her through a camera lens so the relationship couldn't last after the picture wrapped. This is called the Vadim Syndrome. Because I mean this motherfucker, have you seen Jane Fonda in Barbarella? I mean holy fucking mackerel. Vadim actually got the idea for the movie from seeing Jane walk around his house topless. Then he tried to get her to star in the movie but she didn't want to, and it was him that talked her into it, and although she is a great dramatic type actress this is still my favorite of her pictures.
Now okay, the guy may have gone through alot of marriages, maybe that's not desirable, but he dedicated his art to beauty and love. As the bob crewe generation orchestra sings at the end of barbarella, "an angel is love." And when barbarella sees the president she doesn't do some fucking military salute, she holds her hand up and says "love." I mean that was Vadim's thing. So it's too bad my man didn't stick in there for one last valentine's day, I think he would have liked it.
So this valentines day, if you are with your lover drinking some champagne, or better yet spreading some chocolate flavored edible massage oil, what I want you to do bud is I want you to pour a little on the curb for Vadim. And also if it's a lady your with, how bout you give her a little lick for me, thanks bud.