October 7, 2002

Well I told everybody you should go to one of these notinourname anti-war rallies this weekend, but you probaly thought I was just blowing smoke signals up your ass or whatever the saying is in Oklahoma and Texas. So just to show you that ol' Vern is a man of his convictions, here is the photographical type evidence that I went to the main one they had here in Seattle. The big news here is that this rally was alot of fun and I am going to show all you motherfuckers why you are required to go to and/or organize some more of these.

I am only a novice photojournalist, so my pictures don't really do it justice, but let's get to the visuals here people.

This was my best try at capturing the scope of this thing. I mean this was alot of fuckin people. You listen to these people on tv, they explain to you that the only people against this war really are a handful of fringe Democrats and "peaceniks." Maybe occasionally they'll mention that UN arms inspectors, hardline republican maniacs from the first Bush administration, Pat Buchanan, pretty much every other country in the world, and even fugitive war criminal Henry Kissinger think this war is a bad, bad idea. But the average americans, according to their polls, most of them are all for it.

Well, here is my crappy picture of some of the people who didn't get to take part in those polls. Those white blobs are all people, and they continue far beyond the edges of the photo. Not only that but this was just the rally, a couple hours before the march, before everybody had showed up.

So picture these people standing alongside all the people who gathered Saturday, Sunday and Monday in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, Chicago, Corvallis, Chapell Hill, Santa Fe, Portland, Kickapoo, Westerly, Houston, Greenville, Salt Lake City, Bellingham, Atlanta, Fresno, New Haven, Nashville, Fort Wayne, Eugene, Charlottesville, Kansas City, Anchorage, Minneapolis, Yellow Springs, Denver, Manchester, Visalia, Burlington, Westport... I'm guessing it adds up to, you know, quite a few individuals. I'm not even gonna include all the people who protested in Italy on Saturday. From what I heard the New York and San Francisco events made Seattle look puny, and I'm sure there were other big ones. 20,000 is the figure they have for New York. Seattle was estimated at 5,000 by one network and 10,000 by another.

So the New York one at least dwarfed any protests that happened in the early days of the Vietnam War. I think it's because of these here computers. Average citizens now have more access to information about what is going on AND they have a much better way to organize. So there's no excuse not to do this. My friends, we are going to kick these motherfucker's asses, no two ways about it.

All this going on, and the networks were under the impression that Americans are in favor of this war - you'd think they'd be surprised by the sudden massive, uh, change of opinion, right, and give it a little coverage? Well, my patrol of the cable news channels in the evening yielded zero footage. The only mention I found at all was a scroll that mentioned "thousands" in San Francisco, and nothing else. There was however a fine program about Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial with experts both pro and con commenting in detail via satellite.

Of course, you'd have to be some kind of conspiracy nut to suggest that maybe the cable news networks were intentionally not covering dissent against their pals, the government. No, I'm sure it was just an almost impossible to imagine amount of ineptitude, just like 9-11 was. The networks just didn't find out about these events in advance, like hundreds of thousands of attendees did. They just couldn't scramble any camera crews, everybody was working on this important story of a possible audio tape that might have Osama bin Laden's voice on it. It was an honest mistake on the part of all of the networks at the same time. Whoops, their bad. Won't happen next time.

The local news did some coverage, with King 5 being the least sucky of the two I saw. But both made a big deal out of an estimated "almost two dozen" anti-anti-war protesters who apparently were there for a few minutes. I never saw them. I was there for the entire all day event and I only heard two hecklers. Both sounded drunk and were obviously just trying to be outrageous. (They failed to get a rise out of anyone.) Anyway KCPQ13 made these pro-war people the story, and claimed sensationalistically that "things almost got out of hand" between these 20 knuckleheads and the 5,000 (in their version) other people.

(THIS JUST IN: The Seattle Times estimates about 15 of the anti-anti-war protesters, and they were there to protest Jim McDermott for going to Baghdad to see what's going on with his own eyes. Apparently they prefer politicians who talk out of their ass.)

Anyway enough about those assholes, the point is the people are out there and they're not on their asses, they're standing up and saying something, whether you saw it on TV or not. This was a real good experience for me and I recommend it to everybody fed up with The Bullshit.

Not because of the rallies themselves, where they have speeches and singing. I mean those were pretty cool. There was one high profile speaker at the rally before the march and the one after. The pre-march rally had Peggy Thomas, the mother of James Ujaama, an anti-war activist from Seattle who has been accused of conspiring with al Quaeda. Maybe he really did it (honestly it doesn't sound like it to me) but the point is he was locked up for a month without charges or a lawyer, and even after being charged his mom hasn't been able to see him and he's defending himself from dubious anonymous claims detailed on documents that he and his lawyer are not allowed to read while the FBI keeps feeding bogus allegations to the media. So even if this kid really is guilty his mom is a good person to have make a little speech about the USA PATRIOT ACT and how it flushes American ideals down the crapper.

The rally at the end had a speech by Jim McDermott, the representative from Seattle who is a Vietnam vet and is one of the three who went to Iraq for their own peace talks. FINALLY, a Democrat I have some kind of respect for, and he's from my district!

In case anyone's keeping track:

"traitor" congressmen who went to Iraq for peace talks - Vietnam vets

Bush and others who want war - mysteriously missing during war service

7,000-10,000 Gulf War Veterans - dead from mysterious diseases

People who "supported the troops" during Gulf War - haven't really had time to read up on that topic

Anyway it wasn't the speeches and guitar strumming gals that made this event good. You had to bear with a little of the activist's lack of purism, where they got 10,000 people together to oppose a war and then they start talking about police brutality. Shit, I'm against police brutality MORE than the next guy but you're sort of losing focus here. Anyway my point is that the march is the fun part. And despite a few stiffs there are plenty of people on our side with a sense of humor.

And puppets! Come on, you movie geeks like LABYRINTH and shit. Anti-war rallies are the ONLY way you're gonna get to interact with puppets unless you get famous enough to get on the Muppet Show. And even then Bill O'Reilly's gonna get a boycott going against you like I heard he's doing to Snoop Dogg.

I liked the Bush puppet above, he was riding a toy horse and holding a nuclear pistol. To his left is his buddy Sanctions the Skeleton, who I spotted clapping his giant skeleton hands along with one of the pro-peace folk songs some gal performed. There was also a fatcat puppet in a tophat, smoking a cigar, holding a bag of money and a sign that said "War is good for big business."

This puppet of an Iraqi mother and wounded child wasn't as funny, in my opinion. But I guess not all puppets are funny. Still, I am in favor of puppets.

To George's left here is Officer Friendly, who I didn't get a good enough shot of. He reminds everybody of the good old WTO protests of '99, except that he has a nametag identifying himself which none of them did that day. This puppet had a pepper spray gun that sprayed water and a loudspeaker that he used to tell everybody to stay orderly.

If you don't like puppets, maybe you like oversized props? There were children carrying a giant inflatable globe (symbolism). And if you're more into the Freudian shit there was a giant inflatable missile that apparently was 50 feet long and based on a deadly new nuclear missile they're developing. And there were undersized props too. One guy had a small sculpture of Bush in a bathtub filled with oil jacking off a missile.

Later on I caught up with this creepy Dick Cheney who had Bush on a leash. Did you know that Cheney supported apartheid and voted against a resolution to free Mandela from prison? That was a long time ago though, he's learned alot since then and we should all trust him even though what he says sounds fucking insane.

Speaking of insane, my favorite sign showed these two bozos above along with Ashcroft and it said "INSANE CLOWN POSSE." There was also a good one that had bin Laden's head on the Uncle Sam body and said "OSAMA WANTS YOU TO GO TO WAR WITH IRAQ" and then listed the reasons why. There was "MAKE PIZZA, NOT WAR." There was "BUSH IS SMOKING CRACK, DON'T ATTACK IRAQ." And there was a multiple choice where you could choose "ROCK" or "WAR WITH IRAQ" and that particular signholder had chosen to rock. Another sign everybody seemed to like was the one that showed Bush and it said "FREE PET MONKEY, ANSWERS TO THE NAME SPANKY."

Anyway, back to the march. It went from Volunteer Park - near Bruce Lee's grave - to Westlake Center, centerpiece of the WTO beatdowns. It went past two different Chevron stations, so I thought it would be good to get a picture of that. I gotta point out that the nice couple on the left are not protesting refrigerators, their sign said "Violence Begets Violence" on the front.

I haven't been in a whole lot of marches, so I didn't know if people were gonna yell shit at us or what. Turned out everywhere we went there were people on balconies and parking garages and in apartment windows, waving peace signs. Bush tried to turn two fingers into a "victory" sign a while back, but I'm pretty sure these people meant peace. There were people on the sidewalks cheering and even at most of the intersections where cars got trapped by us there'd be at least one car honking and waving with smiles on their faces. Nobody really looked pissed, but maybe a little intimidated.

It's hard to explain how empowering it is to stand in the middle of a group like this. As we went down Pine Street here you could see for blocks ahead and behind you but you couldn't see where the people ended. I bet those almost-two-dozen-pro-war people almost shit their pants when they saw what was coming. On second thought, I bet they DID shit their pants, and that's why they all left by the time I got there.

Sorry I missed ya, shitpants.

Here's several thousand of my buds, just going for a stroll downtown. If you can imagine a hill that goes about five blocks up, well, there were people all the way up the hill, and here I am in the middle. Look at this crowd, do you see any peaceniks? Any hippies? These are regular people. Very few of them are "'60s throwbacks." I only saw one velvet novelty hat the whole day. Some of them are in their '60s, some of them were born in the '80s. This isn't "peaceniks" whatever they are, this is the majority of americans right here.

When we got to our destination at Westlake Mall here this balcony was completely filled with people. You can't really see it but there were people in the store windows watching, next to mannequins. And in the middle here you can see a big trailer set up by Purina Cat Chow, which, I'm not 100% sure but I don't think it was supposed to have anything to do with war in Iraq. It was just promoting a cat food platform of some kind.

So there you have it people. You are not the only one who feels this way. So it's time to stop being quiet and start yelling at the top of your lungs. You have nothing to be afraid of. This is the beginning of us taking this country back. We got us, we got a good time marching down the street, we got giant puppets. We cannot be stopped and we are gonna have a good time.

BUT, we can't take a break. Right now is crucial because the pussies in the house are gonna give Bush the power to start a war at the drop of a hat. Our ONLY chance to stop this thing before it completely starts is to whip those senators into shape. CALL AND E-MAIL YOUR SENATORS IMMEDIATELY, letting them know that you will not vote for them if they vote for this resolution. Remind them that if they support this war, they do not truly represent you. TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF, but in such a way that you are not literally using the word fuck, or coming off as hostile in any way. Also tell them that they should support a filibuster. (Robert Byrd might try to start one, but if 60 vote against it he can't.)

For a while there I was thinking the vote for Gore even though Nader is better contingent was right. It wasn't Nader that gave Bush the election (it was the Supreme Court) but what they said was right - as much as democrats and republicans are the same, they're not REALLY the same. We need to do something about these fuckin democrats but jesus, look how disastrous two years of Bush has already been. And he hasn't even started his Vietnam yet!

So I was actually thinking yeah, the only way to show these bastards is to vote ALL democrats, even though you don't want to. We need to have some kind of mild opposition to slow down the eroding of everything we hold dear. We have to show them "Look, we voted all the democrats into office, that means we disagree with your policies."

But now that the Democrats are actually letting Bush do this, I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. I am prepared to lose all hope in our system if this passes the senate.

Please democrats, stop being pussies. And that includes any card carrying democrats who haven't written their representatives to scold them about this shit.

 

--Vern

 

Contact your representatives: http://www.capwiz.com/lwv/dbq/officials/ or http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/ or http://www.senate.gov/contacting/index.cfm or http://www.house.gov/writerep/ or http://www.yourcongress.com/

Tell them to vote NO and to support a filibuster!

P.S. I almost forgot I was gonna recommend this book PERPETUAL WAR FOR PERPETUAL PEACE by Gore Vidal. You may have heard, this Gore Vidal is a smart dude. This is a great fuckin book about 9-11 and the Oklahoma City Bombing, with the main theme being to ask the great forbidden question, why and also why aren't we supposed to ask why? It includes his excellent essay from the "Vanity fair" magazine about Timothy McVeigh, which explains that McVeigh committed his crime (whatever part he really had in it) as revenge for Waco. The original version was a little longer because it had some interesting tangents about leads that the FBI never bothered to follow in their investigation, but in this shorter form it's still fascinating. It's scary to realize that even though this guy was horrible, he had a point. And it's maybe scarier to consider the way the media won't let you acknowledge that. (Check out the anecdote about Vidal's experiences trying to talk about WHY on tv.)

The essay about 9-11 is good too, and right in the middle he includes a chart listing every american military operation since WWII, to give you an idea of why some people in the world might not like us. The list is twenty pages long. According to the back of the book, "The Federation of American Scientists have catalogued nearly two hundred military incursions since 1945 in which the United States has been the aggressor."

Anyway, this is the best book I've read since Ted Rall's TO AFGHANISTAN AND BACK. And it's cheap, too.

---

OCTOBER 10th, 2002 - Black Thursday

 

In case you haven't heard, the House and Senate both voted today to pass the resolution to let Bush go to war with Iraq if it's, uh, necessary. All he has to do now is officially start the war, and then work it into his schedule to mention it to congress within 48 hours after that. "Oh, by the way, uh, remember those diplomatic measures? Dick figured we exhausted them so, uh, we started a war. I almost forgot to tell you!"

Finally, our representatives can get to the important work of collecting bribes instead of wasting their time with all that 'declaring war' bullshit the founding fathers saddled them with when they wrote that pain in the ass we call the Constitution.

The Constitution was getting old anyway.

If you think they're still planning to use war as a last option, you are naive or insane. You wouldn't be the only one - these congress people voted 'YES, LET'S ATTACK' just days after the head of the CIA admitted that we are only really at risk from Hussein IF we attack him.

If somebody asks you to hand them your gun, you don't give it to them, even if they swear they won't use it. And you don't tell the president yeah, it's okay for you to have the power to declare war yourself, if you promise that you will take us into consideration. Even though we didn't take the people who voted us into office into consideration.

I am especially disgusted by the 'yes' vote of Washington State Senator Maria Cantwell, a god damn democrat. The Washington State Democratic Party voted unanimously to oppose war. We are the home of Jim McDermott, one of the few politicians I might consider calling a "hero", because he's actually standing up against the Bush regime, even going to Iraq to investigate for himself (and already being smeared for it). As you read in my column, 8,000-10,000 people marched for peace here in Seattle on Sunday, and I understand another couple thousand from a church had a candlelight march last night. I'm sure the demonstrations in Olympia and Bellingham were nothing to shake a stick at either. It is clear where her constituents stand, but she turned her back on us, and on the Constitution.

As Senator Robert Byrd said, they might as well hang a sign on the Senate that says "Out of Business" or "Gone fishin'."

So, this is it, people. X marks the spot. The judicial coup of 2000 was a complete success. I have taken what hope I had in our system of government and have put it up in the attic with the old Christmas tree ornaments that I never even use anymore. May a rat shit on it. I think today will be remembered as a shameful day in American history. As the repercussions of this war (and all the future first strike wars that it paves the way for) begin to hit home, I hope some of you will join me in writing every single one of these bastards who voted 'YES' to remind them that it's their fucking fault.

But I'm here tonight not just to complain, but to tell you that this is what in motion pictures I call the OH SHIT IT'S ON moment. We were Billy Jack standing here trying to make peace. But they pushed us too far. Take your boots off, boys and girls, it's time for us to take our fucking country back. We may be mere Ewoks but we got big rocks.

Today I saw celebrity war criminal Oliver North on Comedy Central hawking his new action adventure book. Jon Stewart gave him some shit, mentioning his "legal troubles" and "credibility issues" although I would've also liked him to mention his ARMY OF TERRORISTS that make it awkward whenever he is on the news as an expert on terrorism. This is a man who everybody knows should be in jail, and he's a TV star instead. This is what we can't let happen anymore.

Anyway, Oliver North had the nerve to invoke Tod Beamer and these other guys on that plane over Pennsylvania. I still think that plane got shot down but I don't mind them being called heroes, because fate did make them heroes by putting them in that spot where they had to do what any of us would do in that situation - try to fight back, do what you can, maybe even say something like "let's roll" if you, like me, watch too many Steven Seagal movies.

But when people keep using these people's deaths to promote war and all this bullshit, it's not only insulting, but it's a misread of the metaphors here. What people seem to forget is that these people VOTED whether or not to fight back. They believed in democracy! If you're going to use them as a symbol you have to use them as a symbol against what is going on in this country where votes don't count, where a Constitution-destroying bill is ramrodded through without any of our representatives EVEN FUCKING READING IT, where Congress and Senate don't represent the American people, where the President gets to declare war when he damn well pleases, even if the Constitution says otherwise.

I do believe in democracy, and voting, and the Constitution, and that means I believe in America, despite what Republicans and Democrats say about supporting your president, right or wrong. Even if he's Saddam Hussein? Even if he's Dick Cheney?

I want the old America back. The one that stood for what America stood for, one time. So I feel that, unlike these traitors, I am allowed to say "let's roll."

Let's take to the streets. Let's go to Washington DC and San Francisco for the big marches on the 26th (the anniversary of the day they voted for that bill they hadn't read). Let's march a whole fucking lot, but let's do more than that. This is not the '60s anymore, we have new experiences, we have new generations, we have new tools at our disposal. Video cameras, digital cameras, cell phones and especially the internet will change the dynamics of civil disobedience and non-violent protest. They make us more powerful, and we'll need it because the weapons this time are nuclear and the media this time is NOT on the frontlines. The kids don't just got guitars anymore, they got MTV, they got hip hop, they got samplers, scanners, color printers, MP3s and flash cartoons. Imagine the flow of information, ideas and art that we can transmit around the world in a millisecond, compared to what it took back then. We need to use whatever tools we have to fix this country. We need to use our culture as a weapon, the way our enemy does.

Do you think it's a coincidence that there's a thrilling new Desert Storm video game, complete with Saddam Hussein, brand new for the X-Box? I don't.

I hope everyone who is upset by this turn of events will take some time to consider what talents they have that could be used to stop this war and this regime. Whatever it is, we need it.

Let's get these fuckers. We're taking our country back.

thanks,

Vern

P.S. For a little inspiration, check out these great songs by Saul Williams (from that movie SLAM) on notinournamemusic.com

back to Vern

I hope you'll understand. I would update this fucker every day if I could, but only if I thought I could do a good job. I'd rather let this thing collect dust than get in a routine of adding garbage that's not very inspired. Which some would argue is what I do anyway, but fuck them.

I did get started on a column called "THINGS THAT KINDA BOTHER ME," and thankfully one of those things has now been somewhat rectified: that Bush appointed Henry fucking Kissinger as head of the "independent" 9-11 commission.

Fortunately Kissinger decided to step down after he realized he was gonna have to either release a list of his clients to prove he had no conflicts of interest, or be at the center of a national 9-11 related controversy. And that's really not something you want to do when you are already wanted for questioning in several countries, being sued for arranging a murder and also the subject of an acclaimed documentary making the rounds about how you're a war criminal.

But before we move on let's stop to consider what all this means. First of all, why wouldn't he release the list? Was it because it did show obvious conflicts of interest (like his suspected connections to the Saudi royal family) so he figured he should just get it over with? And/or did he have other clients he had to hide in order to protect himself on all those war crimes charges?

Also, can you fucking believe the Bush administration tried to defend Kissinger when he said he wouldn't release his list of clients? They argued that because Kissinger was only working part time and not for a salary, he was not legally obligated to make disclosures. In other words, they chose a legal loophole over a genuine independent commission.

And what does it say that they chose Kissinger in the first place? Even if they really truly don't think he did anything wrong in his involvement in Watergate, Cambodia, Vietnam, Chile, East Timor, etc. (which is a scary idea in itself), it's not like they don't know that most of the world feels that way. O.J. Simpson was found innocent of murder, but they would never try to get him on Hollywood Squares. So you see, they put more thought, care and good taste into choosing guests on Hollywood Squares than the Bush Administration does in choosing their investigation into the biggest terrorist attack in american history. Go america.

More on Kissinger:

Regarding Henry Kissinger - http://www.harpers.org/online/kissinger_forum/?pg=1
Manhattan's Milosivic - http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0133/ridgeway.php
The Trial of Henry Kissinger - http://www.trialofhenrykissinger.org/
Henry Kissinger: Unindicted Terrorist - http://www.eclipse.net/~tgardnet/kiss/kisskill.html

I still got two "THINGS THAT KINDA BOTHER ME" on the list that will be haunting us longer than Kissinger, though. I guess the most nightmarish one is this Total Information Awareness. Now, maybe it's just me. But to me, IMHO, it seems KIND OF uncomfortable when I know that the Bush administration is letting a five time Iran-Contra felon convicted of lying to Congress organize a huge database keeping track of every american's purchases, travels, e-mails, web surfing, etc. to decide if they're terrorists or not. Maybe I am being a Paranoid Conspiracy Nut to say this, but that seems SLIGHTLY big brotherish to me. Personally.

Maybe it's just the SPOOKY PYRAMID EYEBALL LOGO that does it, I don't know.

Now yes, I understand that they have promised on their mother's graves not to EVER use this information to blackmail enemies, to harass activists like the FBI did Martin Luther King and Malcolm X, or to spy on democrats, or to help out corporate sponsors with a little state of the art industrial espionage. And I mean when Poindexter was convicted of lying to congress, yes he also swore then but I mean he was younger then. It was a more naive time. He was only experimenting. Mistakes were made. Plus, he was PARDONED by Bush, Sr., because he was "a patriot." So he's innocent.

But the truth is I'm not even as worried about those obvious nefarious aspects that YOU FUCKING KNOW will lead to many huge scandals years from now and we won't even know about the big ones. What I'm really worried about is the uses for this database that they are openly admitting to. For example I have read that they are going to use algorithms to study the patterns of terrorist transactions to create a profile for the terrorist lifestyle. Months before this TIA plan became public, grocery store chains were already giving up records from their Safeway Club Cards and what not to help fight terrorism by keeping track of how many frozen pizzas and tampons you've bought.

Well, if the computer thinks you've had an unamerican amount of frozen pizza and may be a terrorist, no problem, right? If you're innocent they will discover that soon enough, they'll shake your hand, give you some coupons or something and it'll all be over. Well, maybe back when we had the constitution. But now we have the USA PATRIOT act. It would be perfectly legal for you to be branded a terrorist by a computer, then secretly locked up indefinitely with no charges or access to a lawyer. Eventually you could be tried by a military tribunal and even executed without your family knowing about it. The only thing preventing that from happening is the consciences of the Bush administration. But I wouldn't recommend leaning up against that particular wall.

The other thing I've been KINDA BOTHERED by lately is also a computer. It's this whole idea of computerized voting. I cannot fucking believe that people are buying into this idea that a computer is the way to solve the problems we had in Florida. If you're worried about chads, just move to the fill-in-the-circles method that most places have. No, instead we're going to push a button on a magic box and assume what comes out the other side is the truth.

What easier way to fix an election than to reprogram the computer that tells you who won? I truly believe this is already happening because otherwise the makers of the voting machines would allow the code to be studied by outsiders. Instead, they guard the code as a "trade secret."

Fuck that, you're fired. Most of these companies are owned by big time Republican donors, which is worrisome anyway. If we're going to do this the code HAS TO be open to examination. But it's not.

Even if you don't buy that this has happened already, do you really believe that it won't? Or what about computer bugs? Think about all the trouble you have every christmas when somebody gives you some new software or something and you're trying to install it, and you have to sit there one the phone for hours with some tech support guy typing away and telling you to try this and this and this.

Think of the trouble you've had with your cable. Or your phone company. Or your bank. You really don't think there are going to be mistakes made?

Please, read up on the subject. It turns out that the computerized counting of votes has been causing problems for decades. But at least there used to be paper to recount if there were suspicions. In this last election, big clumps of votes mysteriously appeared and reappeared, with no explanation or reassurance that the count was accurate. And strangely, Florida didn't have exit polls, so there is no data at all to compare to who the computer says won.

ATTENTION HACKERS: This is your chance to save democracy. In the next election, give a major race to a libertarian or a green. When that happens the whole country will know something is wrong and they will look into this computerized election nonsense.

Finally, this wasn't going into that previous column, but I want to give my take on this Trent Lott controversy. I gotta admit, I am loving this. This guy did not "make a mistake". The only mistake he made was saying it out loud. This asshole has kept his white supermacist tendencies out of the limelight for decades, it's good to see him squirming on a BET special. Finally something to cheer us up.

I've heard people on talk radio trying to defend him. And of course that pussy Tom "they sent me anthrax and I still want to kiss their ass" Daschle quickly defended him. But you know what, you don't accidentally slip up and say that you are proud that your state voted for a segregationist protest candidate in 1948 and that if he had won that america would not have had "all these problems." Not if you don't really believe that.

You mean to say "hand out" and you accidentally say "hand job"... sure, that can happen.

You accidentally say fuck in front of your grandma. An honest mistake.

But no, you don't accidentally say that you are proud that your state voted for a segregationist protest candidate in 1948 and that if he had won that america would not have had "all these problems." There is no other way to mean that, no innocent way to say it.

Yeah yeah, it was a birthday party. It was a raucous mood. I remember that time when I was at a birthday party and I accidentally said that apartheid was a good policy and that I was proud that Dick Cheney had supported it and voted against demanding freedom for Nelson Mandela. I was so embarassed by that slip up!

One good quote I heard to describe this was, "It was not a slip of the tongue, it was a slip of the mask."

I am pleasantly surprised to find that this has not all blown over. On the first day the media tried to chock it up to those crazy nuts Al and Jesse. Those crazy blacks always making a big deal out of everything, but only because they want attention, ha ha that Jesse Jackson, causin trouble for us whites again.

Then the next day, oh shit, EVERYBODY seems upset about this. It turns out, even white people today are against segregation. This might be a story!

A week later, Bush says that HE TOO is against segregation. And that segregation was bad!

A day later. Trent Lott calls a press conference to give his second apology. I listened to this live on the radio and I couldn't stop laughing. Rule of thumb: if it is the year 2002 and you have to call a press conference to announce that you are against segregation, you might have problems. My favorite bit was when he said that he and Strom had a father and son relationship, so it was like sitting on daddy's lap saying (in baby voice): "Daddy, you woulda made a GOOD pwesident!"

Yeah, maybe if your dad is just some guy. But not if he's Strom Thurmond. I'm sorry, if your dad actually ran for president in 1948 on a pro segregation and lynching platform, and you did not share his views, you would NOT say that, no matter how comfortable the lap was. And you especially wouldn't specify that he would've made a good president in 1948.

Honestly, I expected Lott to argue that if the supposedly reformed 100 year old Strom could travel back in time to run in place of the pro segregation and lynching Strom of 1948 then he woulda been proud that his state had accidentally voted for the progressive futuristic policies of future Strom instead of the pro segregation and lynching policies they thought they were voting for. That's what he actually meant, it just came out wrong.

Also he came THIS CLOSE to using the "I have black friends" defense.

And last night was the greatest of all, the BET interview. (transcript here) If all you saw was the "highlights" on the news channels, you missed all the good parts. He did not use the time travel defense, but he DID finally make with the "I have black friends." He used the term "African American" more times in that interview than he probably ever has in his life, and he was so scared he even claimed to support affirmative action.

I wasn't familiar with the interviewer, Ed Gordon, and I was worried they'd set Lott up with a pushover. But Gordon was pretty good. He went down a list of civil rights acts Lott had voted against. Lott seemed to be implying that he secretly helps black people in the community despite his voting record, and that he should be judged by these secret actions. He actually travels around the country clandestinely helping people like a one man A-Team, only he only helps black people from the sounds of it.

My favorite part was about voting against the Martin Luther King holiday:

GORDON: Let's talk about the King holiday.

LOTT: I want to talk about the King holiday. I want to go back to that.

I'm not sure we in America, certainly not white America and the people in the South, fully understood who this man was; the impact he was having on the fabric of this country.

GORDON: But you certainly understood it by the time that vote came up, senator.

LOTT: Well, but ...

GORDON: You knew who Dr. King was at that point.

LOTT: I did, but I've learned a lot more since then. I want to make this point very clearly.

[in this next part, I like how Lott has to say that he likes Martin Luther King's nonviolence. He has to specify which part of King he likes. Now. After learning more.]

I have a high appreciation for him being a man of peace, a man that was for nonviolence, a man that did change this country. I've made a mistake. And I would vote now for a Martin Luther King holiday.

I assume there are other white people reading this. What do you think. In 1983 did you know who Martin Luther King was?

Anyway, I'll wrap this up. I think it's pretty horrifying to have a nutball like this for house majority leader, so I hope he loses that position. But I'm also glad he's dragging his heels because this is an issue that needs more attention. Sadly, there are still people who believe in this old confederate crap, and somehow most of them seem to end up in public offices. Take John Ashcroft for instance. He has the same kind of history, he's so hated that he lost an election to a dead man, and he still ended up attorney general. These type of politicians use code words so that the moderates think they're just talking about crime or "states rights" whatever that is and the nutballs think they're talking about the n word and in the end everybody is happy, unless they're not white. And if they say anything hey it's just Al and Jesse, gettin' all crazy over nothin' again. Why can't they leave us whites alone?

I don't know, I don't live in the south so I don't know what it's like. But up here it's easy to forget that there are still attitudes like this in this day and age. Thanks Trent Lott, you asshole, for your accidental awareness campaign. May the door hit ya where the Lord split ya.

HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY

I hope everybody had a good Martin Luther King Day. I don't know what people usually do to celebrate the holiday. There are not really many traditions that I know of. I'm sure Trent Lott hangs out with his black business man friends, now that he has decided to start believing in the holiday. They are probaly working on their strategy to stop Bush's attack on affirmative action, which he believes in. Have a good one Trent. Remember, less than a year until Kwanzaa.

I really want MLK Day to be a joyous celebration because this is one holiday I really do believe in, and I have not been involved in any neo-confederate controversies so you know I really mean that. I want it to be "a holiday where peace is celebrated all throughout the world" as Mr. Steveland Morris once sang. Unfortunately its a pretty fucked up holiday when you think about it because King dedicated much of his life, and especially those last three years, to helping end poverty. But then places stay open on Martin Luther King Day and who is it working? It's the working class people, the minimum wage people, the retail people. And they probaly have to work harder than usual because they have all the rich people who get the day off coming in to buy shit. It would be nice to see the holiday practice a little more what the man preached.

It has been pointed out to me that the same thing will happen if we ever go through with this idea of making election day a holiday. Stores will be open, and probaly have sales, and all the people we really want to vote will be the ones having a harder time getting out of work, even if the law requires them to have 2 hours where they can vote.

Anyway, here in Seattle we celebrated the holiday with a march which used the slogan "Support the Poor, No More War" but was largely a no war in Iraq march. It seemed like there were as many people there as that last march I went to, which if I remember right was reported as 10,000 people, but this one the news said was "almost 5,000 people". That's gotta be a lie though because how do you determine that it was almost 5,000 anymore than you can determine it was just over 5,000? Do they expect us to believe that they narrowed it down to somewhere between 4,892 and 4,967, and decided to be more general and just say almost 5,000?

I wonder how they come to these estimates. Do they include babies? Do they include people that are standing on the sidewalks holding signs, but not actually marching? Also what about people who see the march and join up, but did not participate in the opening stretch? Or what about people who can't walk very far so they cut out early, are they disqualified? What are the rules?

The truth is, nobody has any idea how many people were there, but it always seems like more people than they say on tv. It's weird but when you see the actual thing and then see the tv coverage, you have no choice but to suspect they either just started doing tv news that very day with no training, or are deliberately trying to marginalize the event. They never show aerial photos and they always seem to choose closeup footage of like 10 marchers. They never capture the scope of the thing. You don't see this:

(see that red arrow... the people go at least that far back... it looked like they were still coming around the corner there. And I wasn't even close to the front.)

See, that's what I got by holding my crappy camera up and pushing the button. You'd think a professional camera crew with lots of equipment and experience would be able to figure something out.

Look at that, just the people you can see in the front there is about 25 people. And those are people all the way down the street and for many blocks ahead. That's what 4,967 people looks like I guess.

This was my favorite part. The march went over the freeway and looped around to make this turn. I need a better camera but you can sort of see beneath the red arrow there, the people are still coming down that overpass. They just keep coming and coming and coming. You could tell the people in cars were amazed and/or horrified at the amount of people.

Oh well. At least the media COVERED this weekend's march in Washington DC. Even if they could've covered it better, it's a step up.

Again I have to encourage everybody to take part in a march like this, it is very inspiring to see that many people coming together. This time I thought I was near the front of the group and then all the sudden we got to this hill where you could see the people in front, all the sudden you realize that there are hundreds of tiny little signs going blocks and blocks ahead of you, as far as you can see. It actually is what they call breathtaking.

And all along the way people in cars were showing their support. It really makes you feel good to see a guy jump out of his car and yell "Great job you guys!" with a huge smile in his face. But I gotta admit what I enjoyed more was a young gal in a BMW talking on a cell phone with a look of disgust on her face. From where she was she couldn't tell there was about a mile's worth of marchers still coming.

Anyway, it was a great march. There were a couple good people at the rallies too. Some labor leaders, some high school rapper kids with some good anti-war lyrics and a grizzled folk singer who had some very entertaining lyrics about Bush and Cheney and how "No way you learned that shit from Christ." I didn't care for the "spoken word artists" though. If you're gonna yell a bunch of cliches about how angry you are at america, you gotta at least come up with one or two clever plays on words to throw in there. And variations on "land of the free and home of the brave" don't count. This includes "land of the thief and home of the slave" because buddy, you didn't make that one up. I am declaring a moratorium an all "land of the free home of the brave" variations for spoken artists.

My advice is if you're gonna be annoyed by the rally, just attend the march. You won't regret it.

WHAT'S ON TV

I saw one of these new documentary shows they got now, where they kidnap a bunch of has-been '80s celebrities and force them to go camping together. They got MC Hammer, Webster, the older gal from Beverly Hills #90210, Corey Feldman, the guy from Motley Crew, some lady from Baywatch, and then some lady from Survivor (not sure if it's the band or the show, I'm not familiar with either one).

Now this sounds like a pretty asinine idea for a show but I gotta admit I enjoyed watching it. There was this scene where they were sitting around the fire and Corey Feldman was whining and complaining about the tough life he has being sort of in a way in the public eye. All the sudden MC Hammer started giving this eloquent pep talk about how they are blessed and anybody who can do one film or one album and get $13 million, they should be ashamed of themselves complaining when there are real people out there really truly struggling to provide for their children. So Corey said well, I never made $13 million for one project, and then MC Hammer said he would become his agent and help him live up to his potential, and all the sudden he was interupted by real coyotes howling off in the distance.

I swear to god what happened next, Emmanuel Lewis jumped up and made a run for the tent. They cut in an interview with him later where he said he's seen nature documentaries, he knows coyotes go for the most vulnerable prey, and that's him. But he wasn't going to hide. Right away he pops back out of the tent with a rolled up towel, and he unwraps it to reveal a huge knife, and he starts swinging it around.

I don't know what all this means about our culture of celebrity or voyeurism or the fleeting nature of fame or postmodernism and irony and post-irony and what have you but I do know, man, I never thought I'd see THAT before. That was some good fuckin television, in my opinion.

YOU ARE GROWING VERY SLEEPY. REPEAT AFTER ME. WHEN IT COMES TO THE ECONOMY BUSH HAS SHOWN GENUINE LEADERSHIP. WHEN IT COMES TO THE ECONOMY BUSH HAS SHOWN GENUINE LEADERSHIP. WHEN IT...

I keep saying that by using today's technology the anti-war movement can be more powerful than it was during Vietnam. Well it looks like the Bush Regime and/or their supporters have the same idea. I'm not sure who broke it first, but there have been many articles pointing out that the SAME letter and variations on the same letter (all using the ridiculous statement above) were published in many different places, with different signatures. Most of the letters are exactly the same, sometimes with small variations, always with a different name and city attached.

I guess technically this could've been done in the old days on paper, but it's much easier and cheaper to spam the fuckin thing all over the world. The idea is that by making people hear that phrase enough times it will almost seem like it is not completely asinine. It's brainwashing, basically.

All you have to do is go to google and type in "President Bush is demonstrating genuine leadership". Now this has been written about enough that you will have to sort through many articles about the letter, but you will also find many local newspaper editorial pages with the letter. You know something's fishy when you type in a sentence that specific and it gives you 407 results.

Anyway, this is just a head's up for you. This is what they do now.

ONE MORE THING ABOUT BUSH

Have you noticed how Bush always hides from and doesn't comment on the numerous huge anti-war marches, but then when there's an anti-abortion march he makes sure to give them a speech via telephone?

I'm not naive. I know this is because Bush has a boner for war, and wants to ban abortion (or at least wants to lead on the people who want to ban abortion). And honestly, I'm not saying one is good and one is bad. I really don't have an opinion on abortion, because I have never been pregnant before. I think those of us with penises and testacles have alot of fuckin nerve thinking we can decide this issue. (except transsexuals). And hey if you're against abortion, I applaud you for having a march about it instead of blowing people up or shooting. That is always a good thing.

(By the way, if you're so fuckin pro-life why weren't you at our anti-war march, huh?)

But think about it. If Bush really wants us to believe that he hasn't decided yet, that he wants peace, etc., shouldn't he come out and say, "Yes, I share your concerns, I hope we can avoid this war but in my opinion we might not be able to"? And if he is supposed to represent us, and we are supposed to "get over it" that he rigged the election and even then had to cheat AND win without the popular vote... shouldn't he address all of these groups?

No, of course a fuckwad like Bush is never going to do this. Very few politicians would do it. But I would like this country to live up to our slogan of Best Country in the World. I would like to have a president who would actually come out, if not in a speech than at a press conference, to address the concerns of popular movements. "This is why I disagree with you, and why." Instead, they pretend the march never happened.

Oh well. Fuck him.

HUMAN SHIELDS

I'm just learning about this so I don't have much to offer, but have you heard about this project for Americans and Britons to go to Iraq as "human shields" to try to stop the bombing of civilians?

Look up the name Ken Nichols O'Keefe. I saw him on TV yesterday and I was pretty impressed. He's a tough guy Gulf War Veteran with a tear tattoo who has renounced his US citizenship and is now using his machismo in the name of human rights instead of war. Like Billy Jack.

On whichever cable news show I saw him interviewed, the interviewer actually suggested in all seriousness that he needed psychological help. So that will be the strategy, "He's crazy," just like they did with John Brown.

Well, maybe he is a little crazy, after all he's planning to put himself in harm's way for something he believes in. And unfortunately it is probaly naive to think that soldiers won't bomb the human shields anyway, maybe even on purpose, unless they really get thousands of them out there (which is what they're hoping to do). That makes him crazy in the same way that Gandhi and Martin Luther King were crazy I guess. (Though this guy is a lot more volatile.)

I was also impressed by his eloquence on this show. He is a suffers no fools type. The guy asked him if it was true that he had a warrant out for his arrest in the US. He said that yes, it was true, it is for failure to appear and it is because of his political beliefs in defending the native hawaiians from genocide. Please, give me more time and we can talk about that in detail. I would love to talk about my arrest warrant.

When the interviewer matter of factly accused O'Keefe of having "deep antipathy" for his country, O'Keefe put him in his place explaining that in fact it is people like this interviewer who have been duped into treasonous acts against their country by going along with the PATRIOT Act and this war in blatant disregard of our Constitution. He asked him to read the Constitution and then read the PATRIOT Act and take notes.

I don't know much about this guy. I know alot of people even on our side are going to be turned off by his sort of hothead persona. And I wish he would tell his fellow human shields that they are not allowed to bring their children (apparently he says he can't make that decision).

But personally I am glad to see a guy like this on our side. I'm so sick of these pushover democrats who can't do shit. I wish people like Noam Chomsky could be our representatives in the media, but they are crushed by the soundbite and the short attention span, and they are smeared by out of context quotes and blatant lies about their beliefs. Here is a guy who can make a very powerful statement just by going and standing in the middle of a war zone. It's very to the point.

I hope he doesn't have to become a martyr. I think we could use this guy. But I'm guessing some poor schmo soldier will have the mission of "accidentally" blowing him up. And then maybe that kid will grow up to replace him.

Let me know what you think about all this.

thanks,

2/23/03

There's alot of topics I want to cover here so I might be kind of random. First of all: FUCK COLIN POWELL. I've been through this argument a million times and I wish everybody else was right. But now I have given up on that possibility.

Oh but Vern, I like Colin Powell. He's a good guy. He's real liberal for a conservative. No really he's very intelligent and wise. His war experience has made him more careful than the nuts he works for. He's the dove hiding among the hawks trying to convince them to keep their fuckin pants on. I know he was part of the Gulf War and he said that thing about not being terribly interested in the number of civilians killed. And he gave a press conference trying to cover up the Mai Lai massacre. But really Vern seriously man this dude is great.

Yeah, you still feel that way people? Now that he's done a complete 180 from "we really shouldn't be doing this shit" to going to the UN to BEG them to let us do this shit? Before he thought the war was a bad idea, now he's so into it he's grasping at straws, playing the UN fuzzy tapes of two RANDOM DUDES apparently talking about how shocked one of them is that the other one has a weapon he shouldn't. THAT'S how you know we have to go in and fire twice as many missiles of the entire Gulf War on Baghdad in the first two days... because you have a tape of SOME GUYS talking, somewhere, sometime?

You couldn't even get a guy busted for pot with that evidence and you're using it to justify a pre-emptive attack on a metropolitan area, planned by a strategist who proudly compares his technique to Hiroshima (8th paragraph)?

When I read about Powell's presentation I thought okay, is this evidence made up (meaning they are liars) or is it real (meaning they are traitors because they kept this from the UN inspectors)? Well, it looks like the former judging from this CBS news article "Inspectors call US tips 'Garbage'". If you read the article you find out that the headline also could've been "Inspectors call US tips 'Bullshit'". Turns out our people have been sending the inspectors on wild goose chases. Among many examples in the article:

Example: satellite photographs purporting to show new research buildings at Iraqi nuclear sites. When the U.N. went into the new buildings they found "nothing."

Does that mean good old dove Powell was showing the UN doctored satellite photos? And is that an impeachable offense? Don't worry, it gets more insane. Right after that Powell was on TV talking about the new bin Laden tape. Although bin Laden still says the Iraqi government are infidels and that the people should rise up against them, he supports Iraq in their struggle against us, the "crusaders." And Powell used this as the evidence they've all been praying for, but God keeps denying them, of a link between Iraq and al Quaeda.

That's right friends, Colin Powell ACTUALLY SAID WITH A STRAIGHT FUCKING FACE that we have to invade Iraq because they are connected to al Quaeda because we are going to invade Iraq!

Let me put that another way. We are going to invade Iraq, therefore al Quaeda supports Iraq, therefore we must invade Iraq because al Quaeda supports Iraq. We are going to invade Iraq because of a connection to al Quaeda caused by the fact that we're going to invade Iraq.

What kind of crazy, self-fulfilling prophecy, reverse catch-22, mad tea party bullshit is this? And you're calling US hippies? When exactly did our secretary of state turn into the fucking sphinx? How long before he ditches the podium and starts doing press conferences on top of a giant mushroom?

I mean this seriously when I say, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Colin Powell is a complete and total sellout. I would've kissed the guy's ass if he would've resigned in protest. He would've gone down in history as a great american hero who once had his ass kissed by Vern. Instead, he threw all his alleged convictions out the window, pissed on them, and then did a little dance. Fuck Colin Powell.

MY PLAN FOR THE POPE

Speaking of great historical events that will never be, I got a plan for the Pope. I'm not catholic but I honestly mean no disrespect about this. I give the Pope a big thumbs up for coming out against this war just like the heads of all the other major churches (including Bush and Cheney's, of course).

But what about this: what if the Pope went and stayed in Baghdad? That would stop the war! I mean seriously, what could Bush do? I know he's a heartless bastard, and I know he's not Catholic, but would he bomb the Pope? Is he willing to turn ANOTHER religion against us?

Now I don't expect the Pope to do something like this, but shit man, I'd convert to Catholicism if he did. I'd eat those fuckin cross-crackers or lord-biscuits or whatever, if the Pope stopped this war. I mean, I really think that's what Jesus would do if he was in these parts. He'd head on over.

"Whatcha gonna do, fucker? You gonna bomb your own god damn Lord?"

(or words to that effect)

It would be awesome.

RETURN OF THE OLD SUPPORT THE TROOPS SWITCHEROO

I told you this would happen again, and here it is in full force. Now that the peace marches have grown so gigantic that the media can't ignore them anymore, they're dusting off that old Gulf War classic, the concept that supporting the troops is somehow OPPOSITE of opposing the war. This is a weird piece of reverse logic where it is good to send your kids off to die for a corrupt government, but bad to take to the streets trying to make them not have to.

(I guess reverse logic is on the It List right now. Bush wants war because he wants peace. The American people defend American ideals because they are Anti-American. Duct tape is a type of tape so it can protect you from a biological attack. Bill O'Reilly yells "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Cut his mic!" at a peace activist whose father died in the World Trade Center out of respect for his dead father. The Fox News Network is the official mouthpiece for the Bush administration, so its slogan is "Fair and Balanced." etc.)

Last weekend the Seattle media was a little more fair than in their previous coverage of peace marches. They got some helicopter shots that came closer to capturing the scope of the thing (which was bigger than anything I've ever seen). They spent more time interviewing the participants and they made a big deal (as if it was some kind of shock) that these were normal people from all walks of life, and not just some smelly hippies. But then they tried to portray the small enclave of "support your troops" people walking down a sidewalk in Oak Harbor as the opposing viewpoint. I mean yeah, I guess we disagree in that most of them apparently support the war. But you'd have a hard time finding people in the peace marches that don't "support the troops".

Of course they keep bringing up the whole spitting on the vets business from the Vietnam war. Now, we all agree that this is a shameful part of history. We all hope it doesn't happen again. And I'm sure we all have a hard time imagining that it would happen again.

But hold on - you're telling me you're from a military family, and the SPITTING is the part you're worried about? I'm sure that was horrible but it was probaly not as bad as the part where they were SENT OFF TO KILL, DIE AND BE MAIMED for a nightmarish, unjust war based on lies and fanatacism. Yeah, go ahead and worry about the disrespect being repeated, but I would also worry about the war itself being a repeat.

I mean look at the Gulf War. Despite the enormously successful "support the troops" merchandising industry and the virtual silencing of all dissent, Gulf War vets still don't have it good. There was no spitting, in fact quite the opposite. And still the government and the public consciousness abandoned them when they started complaining of lung problems, forgetfulness, aching joints, itchy rashes, numbness in the hands and arms, dizzy spells, headaches, chronic fatigue, miscarriages, premature balding, vomiting, fungus on their hands and feet, and other mysterious symptoms. Don't take my word for it - read their stories on web sites like gulfweb.org. For years they were told that they weren't sick because of the war, or that they weren't even sick! 10,000-12,000 people have already died from these sicknesses, and the pentagon claims not to know the cause. And yet it is "supporting the troops" to send kids off to face this fate again, and it is unamerican to say hey, I don't want them to have to go.

It's not just Gulf War veterans that are getting screwed either. There is a group of WWII and Korea veterans who have a class action lawsuit against the Bush administration for taking away their retirement benefits. I guess if Tom Hanks and Tom Brokaw kiss your ass with a new book or movie every couple years then you don't need money for food and shelter. Is that how it works?

One of the people involved in the "support the troops" event referred to the tens of thousands of peace marchers in Seattle as "nutcases", and of course the talk radio dickheads called us hippies and traitors. What they're doing is basically overcoming impossible odds to dress up the world around them to fit their world view. They're playing pretend. They are holding their hands over their ears singing "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!" and squinting so everybody around them looks like they're wearing tie dye.

Yep, everyone who wants to avoid war is a traitor. By police estimates that's a million traitors in Rome, at least 750,000 in London. I bet even fair and balanced Fox News has acknowledged literally millions of protesters around the world just on the 15th - apparently all hippies, traitors and ingrates.

Of course, Nelson Mandela is also a traitor, as are Desmond Tuttu, the Pope, the Bishops from Bush and Cheney's church, the Bishops from Bush senior's church, the UN, many of the people in the Pentagon, the weapons inspectors and the former weapons inspectors, who are also pedophiles. Brent Scowcroft, Colin Powell and Norman Schwarzkopf were all traitors until they suddenly and mysteriously pulled 180s, and at that exact second they became the bravest and most credible heroes ever. France, Germany and Belgium have become "old Europe" and need their wine and cheese boycotted, because they are also hippies and traitors. And the various Hollywood actors are traitors who are not qualified to have opinions on war. Even if they visited Iraq to see for themselves, they don't know what they're talking about. They are only actors and do not have the same world knowledge as talk show hosts and the people who call in to talk shows on their cell phones while they are driving home from work to say that the actors who oppose the war should be deported. Every single person ever sent to war is the bravest son of a bitch ever, until the day when they speak out against another war and instantly become america-hating cowards.

By now, these people have painted a portrait of a world where a small band of flagwaving talk radio fans and oil barons are battling against an entire planet of treachorous hippie nutcases disguised as religious leaders, veterans, union workers and soccer moms. They would be suspicious of the weather's political affiliations if it threatened to make the war more difficult. I don't know what it would take to convince these people that wait a minute, maybe it's a little more obvious than that - maybe the WHOLE FUCKING PLANET has a point worth considering.

KEEP FIGHTING

But you see, we have these bastards running scared. Note that on the 15th Bush stayed out of the spotlight, cringing behind a written statement by his publicist or spokesperson or whatever. And Tony Blair actually admitted that his stance was unpopular but that this was "the price of leadership" (in a democracy - whuh?)

Hell, even before the 15th they were starting to look like they were ready to wet their pants. Did you hear about the Guernica? It was painted by an individual named Pablo Picasso, often considered his masterpiece. It depicts the horror of civilian death during a bombing in the Spanish Civil War. A huge replica of it hangs in the lobby of the United Nations where world leaders make statements to the press.

But apparently somebody pressured the United Nations about it because a few days before Powell's big speech, they covered it up with a blue curtain like the one John Ashcroft used to cover up the lady justice statue in the Department Formerly Known as the Justice Department. A UN spokesman even admitted that it was covered because it would look bad if Colin Powell or John Negroponte - the perpetrators of the new Guernica - were photographed in front of it.

Even more hilarious was Laura Bush's annual poetry symposium at the White House, which was scheduled for the 12th but was cancelled shortly before when she found out there were going to be anti–war poems read. She said that it would be inappropriate for the poetry symposium to turn into a "political forum". God forbid, a political forum at the GOD DAMN WHITE HOUSE!

Here is my poem:

what is this for
can't take no more
George W. Bush
is a god damn whore

I don't know man I'm still working on it.

But do you see what's happening here? These pussies are shitting their pants over poems and paintings and marchers. In New York, home of the United Nations building, the protesters were not even allowed a marching permit. The Bush administration actually filed a brief asking the city to deny a permit to protest the Bush administration. (And that's not un-american.) Instead there was a police barricade and more than 20 blocks worth of protesters spilling out of it. Of course they wouldn't fit on the sidewalks but they weren't allowed in the streets so the police started charging them with horses and arresting people who of course wouldn't have been in violation if they would've gotten the permit that they should've gotten. They weren't allowed a permit because it would be unsafe but of course it was only unsafe because they didn't have a permit. (Did Colin Powell make that one up? Did he put down his hookah to do it?)

My point is not that we have won, or that we even necessarily can win. My point is that they are showing us signs of weakness and we have no choice but to keep fighting. When all is said and done, the least we can say is that we did not stand idly by. Not us, not the Pope, not the French cheese, not Pablo Picasso.

thanks,

Vern

3/13/03

URGENT DISPATCH FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AND/OR MEDIA

Attention all Americans. Our will is strong. We will not waiver. We will not back down. We will not give in to the temptations of overwhelming world opinion, common sense, etc.

Should the President decide to invade Iraq as planned, it shows the tremendous courage of a leader in the mold of FDR, Winston Churchill, or Morpheus from The Matrix. As the administration and the CIA have conceded, invading Iraq will greatly increase the likelihood of terrorism in America, but they feel that the risk of non-invasion is greater.

As the administration and Bush himself have also conceded, the new budget, which he signed into law, does not give enough money to "first responders" and other defenses against terrorism. Meanwhile, the governors of many states complain that they have not even been given the security money they were promised in 2001 and 2002.

So we are going billions of dollars into debt for a war that will cause terrorism that we won't spend the money to be ready for. That sounds like madness, suicide... but we're betting it's probaly not. The guy is like FDR, he must know what he's doing. He has secret information maybe, you never know.

We are a strong people, and we will defy the UN if that's what it takes to punish Iraq for defying the UN. We believe Iraq poses a serious threat to world peace that can only be stopped by not having world peace. If the UN doesn't agree with invading Iraq, it will make them irrelevant. We would never want the UN to be irrelevant, so if they vote against us it is not relevant to us, we're going anyway. Or if it doesn't look like they will give us the vote we want, we won't have a vote. Just like in 2004.

Plus, those guys are biased. They're just pissed because they found out we were bugging their phone calls and e-mails to find out how they were voting and maybe find information to blackmail them with. Don't tell the American media that by the way, they might report it. Anyway if we hadn't done that, these guys would all vote for the resolution I bet. They're just bein a bunch of fuckin babies.

But wait, look out behind you! Orange alert! Orange alert! Buy up some duct tape! Hide under a desk! Load your basement with bottled water, but not Evian, that's Freedom Water. We have received specific information of general attacks, specifically in the general area of somewhere either in America or surrounding areas. Holy shit it's dangerous out there. All peaceful protesters return home, it is too dangerous for you to gather outside the UN building.

This just in: the threat is over, now that we have protected those protesters we have decided to lower the threat level.

(2 days later...)

BREAKING NEWS: we just caught a fat guy who looks like Ron Jeremy. He used to be ranked #22 on the al Quaeda It-List, but now he's so hot he's shot all the way to #2! He was the mastermind behind 9-11, the USS Cole bombing, the 1-800-COLLECT commercials with Carrot Top, and God only knows what else. Really bin Laden is only #1 due to some loophole, this is really the guy we were looking for all along. This is a great victory for the War on Terra because this guy was already killed by the Pakistani police and wrote some shit about Allah on the wall in his own blood as he died. Now the Pakistani police, but really mostly us, we caught him again and he was planning all kinds of operations. Those are the same operations that caused us to announce an orange alert. But we lowered it again before we caught him because, you know, we knew we were going to catch him, because of, uh, on account of... I mean because this is the best damn country in the world. NEVER FORGET 9-11. On second thought maybe we arrested him a month ago too. Trust us, it all makes sense and there are no lies.

Tonight on Access Hollywood: Isn't Michael Jackson weird? What the fuck man? Why are you always questioning everything the government tells you. Michael Jackson said he only had 2 plastic surgeries. He's a fuckin liar! I've had 3 plastic surgeries, no fuckin way he's only had 2. Why don't you tear apart HIS lies, huh? THAT'S some real news.

As George Bush said in his innovative new form of scripted news entertainment last week, he took an oath to uphold the Constitution. But since he was never technically elected president, maybe it was a different Constitution he was talking about. Ever thought of that? This could've been any Constitution, even one that allows the president to declare war without congress, and write up shit like the Patriot Act parts 1&2. So ha ha suckers, you can't hold him to that, he's still going.

By the way, why would you call our president's rare press conference a dog and pony show? What's wrong with dogs and ponies? The president loves both dogs and ponies.

Americans, after we drop 3,000 cruise missiles on Baghdad in 2 days, we promise to help repair the damage. We learned our lesson in Afghanistan and this time we're going to hopefully stay more interested. In fact we've already contracted a subsidiary of Dick Cheney's Halliburton company to fix the oil wells IF Saddam Hussein happens to destroy them. Like last time. Remember, it was him, not our special ops team. And it will be this time too, I mean it would be, if the wells were destroyed. Anyway, it's all taken care of. These guys are good. Halliburton already fixed 'em after the last time we destroyed 'em. We know what we're doing.

Because this is not about oil. This is about one thing. This is not about oil. This is about regime change. This is really about disarmament though. But really it is about regime change. Actually this is about September 11th. And the Alamo. Shit, we don't know for sure what this is about, it changes every day. But we know what this is NOT about, and it is definitely NOT about oil or power through oil. Also we will bring democracy to the region, even if that means ignoring the democratic votes and the majority views of all the countries we are bribing and blackmailing to support us. That is how strongly we believe in democracy, that we are willing to abandon our very belief in democracy in order to preserve it. Because this is not even partially about oil.

By the way, you might think it's weird that months later, the Wholly and Unquestionably Independent Commission on September 11th still hasn't been given security clearances by the FBI and so far haven't been able to investigate anything but the cafeteria food. Oh, you and your conspiracy theories. I'm sure it's just ineptitude and bureaucracy, that's all. Same as the air force not following standard procedure when the planes were hijacked. These things happen, we're all human, there's no need to point fingers.

On September 11th, that day that at least I personally will NEVER forget (god bless america), we knew that it was a new world, that everything had changed, that we faced a new breed of superdanger, and that we had no choice but to go through with that Iraq invasion plan that Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Abrams and Jeb Bush wrote up in 1997. See, what it is, I know it sounds weird, but let me explain. See, when they wrote it it was just paranoid bullshit. But now, in this dangerous new world, it turned out that just by coincidence it was the exact strategy we thought we should use. Isn't that weird? I credit God.

Because we may be in the minority here, but we got God on our side, and God counts for more than one vote, which makes us the majority. The letters and faxes and phone calls are still flooding in, the millions of protesters have been noted. We believe in democracy and free speech, those were great traditions. So we think that's all cute, even adorable. All of the world has told us and told us again that it is wrong to invade a country and murder thousands of civilians. So we are taking the HIGHER MORAL GROUND by going ahead and doing it anyway. It feels good to know that we are in your prayers, especially those prayers that aren't for us to die or go to jail. We pray to God every day to show us the wisdom of what to do next. We figure that what the Pope and the Bishops of our own churches keep telling us is probaly not the wisdom we've been waiting for Him to send down though. That must be some unrelated wisdom that he is sending just to keep us in suspense. I think we'll go ahead and wait for some insane Southern Baptist guy to come up with a quote where Jesus said it was okay to invade a country. That would be pretty good wisdom for God to send us. There must be something in there somewhere, it's a whole fucking Testament for christ's sake.

And before you get any wise ideas, the Methodists don't have excommunication. Bush and Cheney aren't getting kicked out no matter what they do. They could start jackin off on a portrait of Jesus, it wouldn't matter. They're in for life.

And you know what, luckily this country is not run by mob rule. Otherwise, the asshole who got the most votes would be president now instead of the one with the least. The president is happy to allow registered whites to vote in the next election, but if they make the wrong decision then he will have to step up to his responsibilities and take the high moral ground of staying in office.

And when we start our possible war and kill many possible civilians, you better not protest, or you will ruin the Saint Patricks Day parade. Why do you hate the Irish? You hate America, and you hate the Irish. Why can't you just love somebody, why you gotta hate somebody?

My friends, instead of wasting your free speech by rising up against the compassionate government of America, here are four ways you can show your patriotism:

1. Make sure the Pope does not go to Bagdad. We don't want to have to kill the Pope. But we'll fuckin do it man, don't test us. 

2. In order to single out the French for agreeing with the rest of the world against our war, please replace the word FRENCH with the word FREEDOM. I don't know what in fuck's name this means, but it was started in the Congress cafeteria where they now have Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. This also works for Freedom Kissing and Freedom President Jacques Chirac.

3. If you are a tv news anchor or radio personality, remember that we have officially switched over to pronouncing it "Sodom" instead of "Suh-dom." This is a good way to not only call Saddam a queer, but to show our friends in the Arab world that we can't be bothered to pronounce their names right, even when we know how.

4. Support our troops by sending them into the worst environmental disaster ever created in the history of the earthman

Tonight on Nightline we have a special town meeting: "Iraq: Why Now." Since this is TV and not really a town, it is evenly divided so that there are as many people pro-war as there are anti-war. (I know, but this is TV man, it's different.) We even found a religious leader who is pro-war! We had to search far and wide but we found a Southern Baptist who can argue in favor of war. The trick is, he just never brings up religion. He's even gonna quote Martin Luther King to support invading a country! I'm not making this shit up. He's still looking for the Jesus quote though.

And now back to our balanced political analysis. We will stand up for peace by having a war, which means peace activists are anti-peace because they are anti-war, and war is how you get peace, and it also means pro-war people are actually peace activists because they are creating peace through war, but they are not the type of peace activists that are against peace by being against war. I hope that is clear.

Today on Lou Dobbs Moneyline, we have some country singer playing a pro-war song, interspersed with footage of the world trade centers falling and ungrateful anti-war protesters. Now you may say hey, that pretty much sums it up doesn't it: a pro-war country singer performing on Lou Dobbs MONEYline. Well that's just your opinion man.

This guy is newsworthy though because there were one or two stations that wouldn't play his song, because they thought it was pro-war. But Lou loves this song. And the singer says it's not really anti-war, it's just pro-military. That's what he meant when he said, "Some people say America is looking for a fight / After 9-11, I say that's right." Then he complains that they don't show 9-11 footage anymore because it's too disturbing, and we edit in some disturbing 9-11 footage. It's good stuff.

We do not want war. It is only a last resort. We will try every form of diplomacy we can to find a resolution. But diplomacy does not work, 12 years, blah blah blah. Shit, we've diplomacied the fuck out of Iraq. We worked the diplomats so hard that 2 of them have already resigned. And the press too, they're getting tired and overworked, that's why we only made a short list of ones to call on during the press conference and then didn't answer their questions anyway. Also that's why they laughed Ari Fleischer off the stage at that one briefing, they were just tired.

We worry about our journalists. We want them to cover the war as fairly as possible. We don't want unfair competition from independent media sources, that is why we announced that we would fire on anyone covering the war without our permission.

See, the fair and balanced media understands that we cannot contain a dangerous power like Iraq. Yes, we have contained them for 12 years without incident (from their side anyway. Ha ha ha, fuckers.) Yes, we contained the Soviet Union until their very economic system fell apart. But that was before 9-11. That was before we knew that some guys with knives could crash airplanes. So we have developed the new Superbomb. If we had only had the Superbomb on September 11th, I doubt anything would've happened.

Now by this time the American people have probaly heard that we've been torturing suspects, sometimes to death ("Let's just say they're not a threat to the US and our allies anymore" Bush smiled.) Actually that's an exaggeration. We've only been almost-almost-torturing them. Like as close as you could get to torturing somebody without technically torturing them, that's all we're doing. We know torture is illegal, that's why when we need to torture someone, we hand them over to other countries that are okay with torture, which is also illegal.

(The next commercial is about tanks and soldiers, and how it's an ARMY OF ONE. Very glamorous, very Bruckheimer. Maybe you heard that the whole point of the army was to beat you into submission, shave off your hair, desensitize you to killing and destroy your individuality... well that was your father's army. Now it's an ARMY OF ONE. It's like Rambo man. You go out there, you swing around on a rope, I mean it's great. Then at the end they have CGI of a bunch of jet planes flying around. But trust me, in real life it is just as exciting as what the FX artists have come up with. MORE exciting!)

(Wait, hold the phone... I thought this was the ARMY OF ONE commercial they keep playing, but it turns out to be a new war themed video game. It's a video game commercial disguised as a recruiting commercial... or is it a recruiting commercial disguised as a video game? Not sure. Oh well! GO ARMY!)

Now, there are alot of people out there saying that maybe our government is not trustworthy. Maybe the fact that our weapons evidence was all fake means that this isn't really about weapons. Okay, so it is true that Colin Powell showed a 4 year old college term paper plagiarized from the internet to the UN and said it was "a fine report" and "the very latest intelligence." And yes, we keep mentioning these tubes that the nuclear inspectors say are not suitable for enriching plutonium, but when we say it we leave the "not" part out of "not suitable." And yes, the documents Britain gave them showing that Iraq had tried to purchase uranium in Africa were proven to be inept forgeries (whoops! our bad. Who would play a joke like that on us? Is this that Jamie Kennedy show?) And yes, the satellite photos we showed them actually didn't show anything at all. And yes, the intelligence leads we gave them led nowhere and were described by the inspectors as "garbage" and "bullshit" and "a wild goose chase." 

Yes, that is all true, BUT... after the war, we promise to locate some real evidence somewhere, underneath the piles of corpses maybe. A note of caution: our weapons now are hundreds of times more radioactive than the ones that polluted Iraq and killed or crippled over a hundred thousand Gulf War Episode 1 veterans. So you might not really want to see this evidence close up. But take our word for it man, it would be real convincing if it was safe to look at it. Colin Powell probaly knows all about this shit, that's why he changed his mind all the sudden. Not because he's a traitor or a sellout or a pussy.

But keep in mind we have not decided yet. It is only a possible war. We have been trying for months to look like we've had our mind made up for years, but we have not decided yet. Shit, it tears us apart worrying about what the right decision is. Every night we cry, and we pound our fists against the wall, and we pray. We stay up late into the night discussing the ramifications of our actions. We worry, what if this is a mistake? How will this affect our children, and our children's children? What will the environmental consequences be? How will we pay to defend our country and to make our people healthy if we are spending so much on attacking other countries and making their people unhealthy? How many innocent people can die before we are no longer justified in our actions? Are we only perpetuating a cycle of violence that will inevitably lead to the end of our country as we know it?

No, just fuckin with you man. I had you goin there for a second. But seriously, we haven't decided yet. We have such good poker faces that we even openly talk about trying to convince Americans and allies and the world why we are going to war. But really we are only possibly going to a possible war. The president has not decided. The cable news networks haven't even decided. I mean the graphics department has, but some of the other departments are still weighing the pros and cons, I heard. Wolf Blitzer - shit, the whole CNN network - they only exist because of the first Gulf War, the "Scud Stud" and all that shit. But still, they're very even handed, they wouldn't want to push us into an illegal invasion. And you know what, hold on there pal. You can insult my President. You can attempt to make these colors run. Whatever. But you do NOT question the motives of television and get away with it. You have gone too far.

yours truly,