September 18, 2001
My friends, I am not an optimist, but I never thought I'd be Writing a column like this.
I have Written huge rants about bad movies. About the popularity of reality tv shows, about the sorry state of comedy. Piddly shit.
Sometimes I have tried to tackle more sensitive topics, like a particular column I was always both proud and embarassed of, where I talked about a very sensitive medical procedure I had to get.
But I never thought I'd have to figure out what to say about this shit.
As I Write this it has been one week since the attacks on New York and Washington. For most americans and in other parts of the world, this is no fucking time to be reading a web sight about what some asshole thinks about movies. So if anyone is reading this I thank you for thinking about me, or for coming to my sight as a comfort or a distraction from what is going on in the world, or perhaps to hear what the hell I think about all this. (If that's not what you want, you better click away now, I'm sorry to say.)
Before last Tuesday, I was preparing to dump a whole load of my movie review crap on the internet. I saw that movie "a knight's tale" for example and I was gonna review that. It was from the director of Payback, a 1999 outlaw award winner, so back then it seemed important to check it out. And there was this dark Spanish comedy, Dying of Laughter, from a director I've been keeping an eye on, the guy who did Day of the Beast. I was pretty excited about that. Not anymore.
I don't know what's going to happen next. And I don't know what our government should do. And I'm sorry to say this but it's true, I don't have any faith that they will do the right thing, whatever that is.
The people who have done this are miserable bastards, and they have taken so much life, and so much happiness. It seems they have managed to use a small group of people with knives to take out a piece of our nightmares, and make it reality. And every day there are moments when we think that maybe we're dreaming this, and that we'll wake up and everything will be back as it was. But we know that's not true.
But in the big picture, in the battle between our government and those who seek to destroy it, this is not a case of good vs. evil, and it's not about freedom and democracy. I wish I could see it in those terms, but I can't. I can understand why people are rallying around our leaders, and our symbols, and our military, because who else can we hope to protect us?
Two weeks ago, George W. Bush was widely hated, and most people felt he was not even democratically elected. Now he is supposedly getting an approval rating somewhere in the 90's. Oh lord how I wish I could approve of him. It would feel so much safer.
But I can't help but think that this wouldn't even be happening if not for him, or at least people like him. How many fucking times can we give weapons and support to madmen to serve our purposes, and then turn around and make them our boogeymen years later? We've done it again and again and now it looks like this one has not only bit us in the ass, it bit our whole ass off. And if we go in and start killing people in every country that is involved, we're going to kill alot more people that have nothing to do with it and turn alot more people against us.
Let's face it: all violence leads to more violence. I know as well as anybody, you kick one guy's ass one night, you're gonna pay for it some other night. Everyone wants to retaliate, and who can blame them for being angry? But they were retaliating against us! So what happens next, after our retaliation against the retaliation? It's a very easy pattern to follow.
Look, I'm gonna say it. Let's stop trying to be Badasses. I have a pretty sizable penis. That has nothing to do with it. I can still say, let's stop fucking killing people, and training people to kill people! Now we're finding out that some of these hijackers were trained at flight schools run by the US military. Kind of like Timothy McVeigh was a Gulf War veteran. And why did he commit his atrocities? As revenge against the government for the atrocities they committed in Waco, when they shot and then burned alive American citizens, many of them children, and perhaps even shot down those who tried to escape. (See any of the fine documentaries about Waco for details... or don't, since you don't need to be anymore depressed than you already are.)
How difficult is it to understand? All violence leads to more violence. ALL violence leads to MORE violence. EVERYBODY knows this deep down. But our government doesn't fucking care. If they did, they wouldn't have given $43 million to the Taliban last May, amid protests - here was the Bush administration, only four months ago, willing to become the biggest sponsor of yet another oppressive regime. They gave them the money "to fight opium", while the rest of the world pointed out that the Taliban is the world's worst violator of human rights, who were putting women under apartheid, and forcing non-Muslim's to wear an armband identifying themselves, and also harboring america's worst terrorist enemy.
Four months ago. If you don't remember this, do a search for "$43 million taliban" on google and you'll find many stories about it.
But obviously this didn't start four months ago. It goes back at least to 1979, when Osama Bin Laden was funded by the CIA to fight off the Soviets in Afghanistan. That's how he got his start.(And wasn't George Bush senior the head of the CIA at that time? Probaly not - I'd have to look it up I guess.)
Mistake number two - the Gulf War. George Bush Sr. sends troops into Saudi Arabia, knowing full well that many Muslims will be infuriated by american military troops stomping through the holy lands. Bin Laden's disagreement with the Saudi Arabian government, for letting this happen, is what led him to start the Al Quaeda network, which is now believed to have organized last week's atrocities in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania.
And of course it didn't help our case when thousands of civilians were killed in Iraq. On CNN at the time it seemed like a reasonably clean war, whatever that is. Lots of talk about freedom and democracy, and there was that shot of the missile going right into a chimney. Nothing but net! People started looking at it like a video game, or a movie, even laughing and cheering at aerial footage of some poor sap trying to drive a truck across a bridge that's being bombed and not making it.
It wasn't until years later that americans started paying attention to the reports of hospitals and daycares being bombed, of specially designed bulldozer tanks that were used to bury people alive. And in retrospect is there any reasonable person who thinks the Gulf War was about freedom and/or democracy? No, it was about oil, mostly. Which happens to be the Bush family business.
Bin Laden is a millionaire too. This is a war between rich people, but it's not the rich people who are dying.
And now we're watching our own people being destroyed on tv, up close and personal, instead of some tiny little toy car all the way across the world representing some racial stereotype that somehow allows us to not be concerned about the loss of innocent human life. Why can't we make the connection? Why can't we say no more killing civilians, here or anywhere?
Because we're too angry, I guess, and too scared. I don't want to say we're too stupid.
Everything in this world now is different. And it's hard to figure out how to deal with it. Here in Seattle there was a public memorial service, which 15,000 people attended. But it was held in the heart of the business district, in front of a shopping mall, overseen by huge Gap banners and Starbucks logos. Everywhere you looked, there were people wearing American flag t-shirts - but they said "Old Navy" above the flag. It was hard not to be creeped out when even our memorial services, with all this talk about God and country, seem to have corporate sponsors.
It was comforting to hear various religious leaders talk about peace, especially the Muslim leader (what do you call them? ministers?) who said that killing one innocent human is equal to destroying all of humanity. But most of the crowd was uncomfortable with that notion, and it didn't get the same kind of applause as any comments about retaliation. At one point some yahoo on an office building balcony got the crowd shouting "USA! USA!" like they used to do when the Iron Sheik came out at wrestling matches, or in Rocky IV when Ivan Drago came out. And all the politicians kept talking about fear. The terrorists want us to be scared, they said. But they've failed. We're americans. We're not scared of anything.
And every time a plane flew over, all the heads in the crowd went up nervously.
I really realized how strange things were getting on Wednesday night when one of my friends heard a plane flying over and got scared. "Don't worry," I said. "It's a fighter jet."
You know what? Fuck that. I am scared. I'm scared as hell. And anyone who's not is a robot. Hell while I was Writing this I saw all the kids in a nearby schoolyard running in one direction. My heart sunk and I had to watch to make sure it was just recess, and not something else.
How could you not be scared when you watch Late Night with David Letterman, but David Letterman doesn't tell jokes - he just talks about how badly he wants the war to start. I think about that day last year when I had to go in for a medical procedure, my naked ass sitting on a cold metal chair with a big space in the middle, knowing they were about to stick a tube up my ass and another in my dick, and then the lights went dim and the radio started playing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," and they told me I looked white as a ghost.
Last night, watching David Letterman was rougher than that.
I hate this! I hate having to turn on the radio every once in a while to make sure there's music on, and not news. I hate going through long periods not being able to laugh or smile. I hate knowing that any dissenting opinion against our government will be seen as siding with the terrorists. I hate hearing people on the news and on the streets giving their opinions, and saying, "Make no mistake about it..." Like it's necessary to use dramatic language when talking about something like this. Like it won't be dramatic enough if you don't say some stupid shit like "Make no mistake about it... blah blah blah blah blah."
Make no mistake about it, then. As if there's some chance you will. We're in the shit. God damn it I hope I'm wrong about how bad this is going to get.
And I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't like to hear the negative things I've said about our country, or to anyone who read this and just got more depressed, or who is sick of wasting their time reading yet another Writer's cathartic emptying of their thoughts on this matter. But here is the real reason I Wrote this column:
To anyone who lost their life, or a loved one, or an acquaintance, or a dream. To all the children who may have to live their lives in fear of airplanes and car bombs and deadly gases and viruses. To the people anywhere who lost faith in humanity, and to the americans and afghans and everyone else who will die in this horrible fiasco that will begin any time now and probaly never end, really. My heart goes out to all of you. I am so sorry this is happening.
And more than that - I want to tell my readers how much I love them. I hope I didn't lose any of you. I am just a schmo with a filthy mouth and a bad temper who happens to love the films of Cinema. I don't imagine that my works are a big part of anyone's lives, but the fact that you've read them has always made me so happy. Thank you so much to all my friends who have Written me from across the country and in Canada, New Zealand, Australia, Greece and elsewhere.
I hope some time soon it will seem okay to continue Writing crap about movies, if not the films of Badass Cinema than at least something. But until then, or in case that day does not come for some of us, I just want you all to know that I love you and you've made a difference in one motherfucker's life.
Now get out there and spend time with the people you love, enjoy the world, and hope for peace.
thanks buds,
your friend always,
Vern
October 14, 2001
As we attempt to slide slowly back into some perverted new version of our regular lives, as we search for comfort in our leaders, our suddenly careful late night comedy shows and our community flagwaving contests, there is a danger, in my opinion, of not learning jack shit. And to see something like this happen, in our own country this time, and to not learn jack shit, is just plain stupid.
Or maybe we are learning. If you're watching the news or reading the newspaper, you get one picture of what's going on in people's minds across the country and around the world. But talking to actual human beings in daily life and checking my e-mail, I get an entirely different one.
Thanks, everybody, for reading, tolerating, and in some cases even appreciating my long rant of a column last month. I got many supportive e-mails, interesting forwards and links. I heard from people on the west coast and east coast, from England and from New Zealand. You might be surprised that almost every single person who Wrote to me actually agreed with my anti-war, anti-US government stance. The one guy who disagreed was very supportive of my work and fair in his criticisms. I didn't even once want to Write back that he should fuck off.
In this column I'm gonna explore the issues a little further connecting them to movies - both of the documentary and the action-adventure type variety - that I have been watching lately. You know, taking little baby steps back into what I now realize is an important role of Cinematic analytical type Writing, or whatever, that my sight fulfills.
So I started Writing this damn column, I'm not even halfway done and the next thing you know the fuckers start bombing Afghanistan. Well I think you know how I feel about that. It's a damn shame but my column will be even more relevant now. These are movies that bring up issues and feelings that I think are important for americans to consider right now.
In a time like this we turn to our culture for comfort, but I think we can turn to it for more than that. If you want escapist movies I don't blame you. But when you grow a set of balls then please join me in watching the following movies.
(Just kidding ladies, don't grow any balls, at least not on my account. But if you want to this is america, you can do what you damn please. At least until some cataclysmic event or something causes us to decide it would be safer to take away the constitution, etc. But that's never gonna happen.)
(No seriously though, if there's any crazy shit you want to grow, whether its balls or anything, and you're in the US - do it FAST. The days of individuality, diversity and debate are over. America's not about that shit anymore. Now it's "unity" and "divided we fall." Sure you have the FREEDOM to believe and say what you want, but with freedom comes responsibility - the responsibility to not believe and say THAT.)
So, Writing to you from right here in this UNITED country, where we stand TOGETHER, and nobody at all disagrees with the idea that terrorism is bad but war is different, somehow, I'm pretty sure, I bring you:
T*H*E W*A*R O*N W*A*R: VERN'S TOP NINE MOVIES TO WATCH IN THESE UNFORTUNATE TIMES
1. THE PANAMA DECEPTION
2. COVERUP: BEHIND THE IRAN CONTRA AFFAIR
both directed by BARBARA TRENT
I, like many americans, am an ignorant motherfucker. I mean seriously, I'm even worse than alot of people out there. And if I want to learn a little more about what's going on here I'm not gonna be able to read every book on the topic. I mean I still haven't even finished Mama Black Widow yet and I LOVE Iceberg Slim.
But I figured at the very least I could pick up some documentaries from the "Politics" section at my local independent video store. I decided to fill myself in on some of the nasty shit that our government has been involved in in the past few years. Like, since 1980. I didn't realize until I watched them all that three of the videos I picked up, COVERUP: BEHIND THE IRAN CONTRA AFFAIR, DESTINATION NICARAGUA and PANAMA DECEPTION were all from the same director, Barbara Trent.
This is not a director I would follow because of her unique cinematism. There is a tendency for corny music and when she interviews people in foreign languages, she dubs them instead of subtitling them. (What is this, Miramax?) But what's important about her as a director is her urge to peel behind our government's carefully constructed PR and get at what they are really doing in other countries, through eye witness testimony and footage of the carnage left behind. And it is always chilling to see this very convincing evidence contrasted with news anchors, military spokesmen and presidents of the united states giving their official versions of what happened.
If you think the invasion of Panama was a clean little justified military action, you NEED to see Panama Deception. Honestly, I think ALL Americans owe it to themselves and to the world to see this movie. It should be required viewing in high schools, and anyone who mouths off about invading whatever country is the bad guy this year should have to watch it again, just to remind them what they're talking about when they say invade.
This movie is almost more relevant now than it even was then. You see Noriega's background with the CIA (think bin Laden), George Bush's nonsensical, crowd-pleasing speeches about freedom and democracy (think George Bush), the questionable but unquestioned events which allowed us to enter the war, the complete media blackout (with american soldiers actually taking cameras away from journalists, exposing film, even executing one photographer), and the corporate media's complete willingness to go along with the government's fairy tale of a bloodless war to stop a drug trafficker (which we see was actually a brutal massacre to install a different, more america friendly drug trafficking government).
Even more ominous, when compared to current events, is Coverup: Behind the Iran Contra Affair. This one goes a little more into the background of the CIA's terrorist activities and assassinations in South America. Then it explores Bush and Reagan's deal with Iran: delay the release of hostages until after the election, and we'll give you many, many, many weapons of mass destruction. They, of course, won the election by a landslide, the hostages were released the day after the inauguration, and Iran got their weapons. Twenty years later, George Bush Part 2 was elected president by a minority of the small percentage of americans who vote, under extremely questionable and undemocratic circumstances. But that's totally a coincidence.
Then of course the movie explores that great secret war, Nicaragua. Please watch the movie, but let me sum this up for my younger readers. There was a revolution in Nicaragua, but the CIA didn't like the new government. So they funded a terrorist army called the Contras and trained them to torture and terrorize civilians, and also helped them traffic their drugs into america.
Yes, remember that fact. The contras were terrorists, trained by the United States. They deliberately targeted civilian populations in order to spread fear. Notoriously, they had "torture manuals" printed up for them by the good ol' U.S. of A.
To stop communism, though, so it was all completely justified.
Most disturbingly relevant is the section talking about Rex 84, the plan to use a terrorist attack to suspend the constitution and round up perceived enemies of the government. During the hearings one congressman asked Oliver North if this really was planned, and the chairman immediately demanded a secret session in the name of national security.
But that was a long time ago, they wouldn't try that again. Don't worry.
And now, Vern goes into some seriously paranoid, conspiracy theory type shit.
Let me tell you what I think is gonna happen here. Some ways down the line, it will come out that the plane that was headed for the White House and crashed in Pennsylvania was actually shot down by US fighter jets. Ah, so that's why on the 11th there was no footage of that plane for hours and all we knew was that it crashed "in an undisclosed location." And why we never heard anything about what they learned from the black box they recovered.
It was a tough decision, but if they had to shoot it down they had to shoot it down, right? So why would they hide this? And then some day it will come out that the CIA and the Bush administration knew about the hijackings in advance. (So that explains why known terrorists were able to take classes at military flight schools. And how a dozen known associates of America's #1 terrorist enemy - one of them on the FBI's most wanted list - were able to buy plane tickets for the same time, in their own names, on four different planes that happened to be mostly empty.)
So they let these guys go through with their plot, until one of the planes was going to crash into the White House, and then they took over from there.
But that's so preposterous! Just because George Bush's dad, during his tenure as head of the secret police, vice president and president, orchestrated numerous well documented assassinations, covert wars, coverups, coups, drug trafficking operations, the complete destruction of entire cities, and the violent deaths of literally hundreds of thousands of civilians around the world-- I mean, it doesn't mean anything. I'm sure he's very different from his dad.
And really Vern, think about it. What could this kind of thing accomplish? Okay, so the deadlock in congress was instantly eliminated, and the "anti-terrorism" measures right wingers have been pushing for for years will get passed in, what, a month? And they were able to create an entire new department with powerful positions for their friends. (They get their own CIA!) And they have already announced a "war on terrorism" which gives them an open ended reason to attack any country, overthrow any government, arrest or spy on any person, and smash any domestic political group, now or any time before the abstract concept of terrorism has been completely eradicated from the planet, if they say there is terrorism involved. And they don't even have to present evidence, because of the ol' national security.
And okay, so we're already in debt again, setting the stage for the banks to bail the country out again in exchange for kickbacks, like Bush's brother did before. And the weapons industry is probaly in pretty healthy shape now. And the american people are so scared they might even stand behind that ridiculous missile defense system that reagan used to push for, and Bush Part 2 pushes for now, but nobody has ever taken seriously, that used to be called Star Wars but now I guess will either be The Matrix or Lord of the Rings.
And Bush, who a few months ago was still struggling to make the public think he was at some point elected as president, is now wildly popular. He was even able to stand up in front of Congress and refer to himself as "democratically elected" without so much as a stifled snort in the room. Alleged lefties all across the country are so scared they are asking people to stand behind the president and not voice any legitimate concerns or criticisms at this time. Some sort of etiquette thing.
But other than those few small things, what on earth would Bush and the CIA possibly have to gain from doing something so horrible?
I know probaly none of my readers will agree with me on this. And I hope you're all right. I hope this is an actual terrorist attack which just happened to set up Mr. Bush and friends for their wildest, horniest fantasies of world domination and power.
But let's look at this. Even if I'm completely wrong, I think it is clear that Bush and friends are not making a sincere attempt to stop terrorism, but are instead out to take full advantage of this, uh, completely unexpected terrorist attack.
Because if you are legitimately trying to get the Taliban to hand over Osama bin Laden, going in and bombing is not a logical reaction at all. Going in and negotiating is.
You don't go on tv and make an ultimatum like The Joker or some villain on WWF wrestling. You, or your ambassadors, go try to figure out what in the hell it would take to make them see your way.
This is not simple incompetence and lack of common sense on the part of Bush. And it is not just macho warmongering. It is a deliberate move to take advantage of the situation for warmaking purposes.
Ah shit. I'm sorry fellas. I'm on a rampage again. Let's lighten things up. Let's watch a cartoon or something. How 'bout...
3. GRAVE OF THE FIREFLIES
This is a japanese cartoon movie from the studio (but not director) that did the princess mononoke. But this one is about a boy and his baby sister surviving bombings during world war 2. Seeing their parents getting killed, trying to survive with no food. Living in a city where death is so commonplace that people blandly exchange tips for disposing of corpses like they're giving somebody directions at the gas station.
This is the saddest damn cartoon I've ever seen. Completely realistic and dramatic. It does not concern itself with the politics of war, it just looks at it as a primal force, from the perspective of these two poor kids caught in the middle of it all. They don't have anything to do with this shit, fer cryin out loud!
Don't watch this unless you're prepared to cry. But at the same time it makes you feel good to know there's at least one war movie out there that tells this story, the story of the innocent people caught in the middle of it all. Because even if this war really is necessary, then we shouldn't be enjoying it. We should be honoring the people of Afghanistan who are facing their own grave of the fireflies, for our safety, like virgins being thrown into a volcano.
4. BILLY JACK
5. THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK
6. BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON
I got buddies that tell me Vern, Billy Jack is hippie shit. How can you like that hippie shit?
Let me tell you what Billy Jack is. Billy Jack is OUR version of Rambo. I've always liked the Snake Plisskens and the Roddy Piper in They Lives, and the different action heroes who stand up against the establishment and the government but also happen to kick alot of ass (and chew bubble gum).
I admit Billy Jack movies got alot of corny shit in 'em. Alot of scenes of kids strummin guitars, singin folk songs and then you see Billy Jack in the audience, crying.
I'm not gonna lie. That's in there.
But I'm willing to take all the guitar strummin in the world in exchange for what we get here, which is an action hero who stands for all the values that the other action heroes oughta stand up for anyway. This is not only a guy who is on the side of the Indians, he's on their side NOW, exposing the corrupt politicians and cops that TO THIS DAY are fucking them over. How many movies even acknowledge that natives still EXIST, let alone stand up for their issues?
Then you got the cops. Cops in Billy Jack movies are not heroes, and when they're violent they're not cool. THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK is all about Kent State and other similar, lesser known shootings on college campuses. Police are violent, they hate hippies, they hate indians, they set people up, they beat people up, they enforce the law selectively.
The corruption in these movies goes as deep as it does in real life. My favorite is BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON which is actually a remake of that Capra picture, DUNSTON CHECKS IN or whatever it was called. In this one Billy Jack becomes a senator, and at first really believes in the process, trying to be a good, progressive politician that stands up for the people.
But every fucking politician is a lying scumbag in this movie, and the system is set up in their advantage. Like in real life, there's not a glimmer of hope anywhere in Washington. Every single one of these fuckers is the head of or the property of big business (in this case the nuclear industry). Everything they do is to fuck over the people and make money in the process. Even the ones who seem like idealists sold out years ago.
There's not any guitar strummin in this movie. Mostly just straight up political expose. But Senator Billy Jack is sure to have an action scene in there, where he gets to take his boots off and do karate on the CIA street fighting team who try to rape his daughter and blame it on black street gangs.
Tom Laughlin, who plays Billy Jack, also directs and writes the movies under pseudonyms. He joins the ranks of Takeshi Kitano and Clint Eastwood as great Badass Laureates in the films of Cinema. Although his films are perhaps not as accomplished as Kitano's and Eastwood's, I feel that his works have a spirit that our cinemas are crying out for in this time of war and fear. We're probaly just gonna get more flagwaving fuckwads castrating arabs for uncle sam (the FBI is already going to hollywood filmmakers, including Spike Jonze and David Fincher, to help dream up possible terrorist plots to look out for. How much you want to bet these meetings are really about encouraging pro-american propaganda and discouraging movies that raise difficult questions?)
I want more asskickers who question violence, search for spiritual peace, and defy the man. And sometimes do karate. I want more Billy Jacks.
7. SECRETS OF THE CIA
I'm sure there are many good videos out there about the CIA, and many with a more comprehensive look than this at the group's history and specific deeds. But I think this basic, mainstream tv special, released by Warner Brothers Home Video, makes it pretty clear that that shit ain't right.
The show is made up of interviews with several former CIA operatives, and even a secretary. They seem like regular, friendly people - the type of people who would not be able to stomach the sickening deeds of the CIA. They talk about what brought them to the CIA, what they expected, and the harsh realities of what they got.
This is not something you're gonna see playing on the discovery channel again any time soon, because right in the introduction they refer to the CIA as a terrorist organization. It is hard not to think of bin Laden's training camps while listening to stories of CIA tricks: sabotaging food trucks in Cuba to hurt the economy, blowing up civilian bridges, torturing, assassinating, framing, propagandizing. There is even a story about a heart-attack-causing poison, frozen into a dart and used for nearly undetectable assassinations.
I mean, that's what the CIA does. They interfere in other countries without the hassle of carpet bombing. They fund rebellions (often by drug dealers) in countries, then install their own puppet leaders. They have bombed leaders and journalists. Remember when they overthrew the democratically elected leader of Chile and replaced him with Pinochet, who turned out to be only slightly more cuddly than Hitler? Yeah, that was wrong, in my opinion.
I mean okay, go ahead, support the war on terrorism. But if you do then you MUST demand that terrorism by Americans is stopped along with the terrorism on Americans.
The CIA taking part in a "War on Terrorism" is like the Mafia putting a hit on organized crime. Put that on a baseball cap, why don'tchya? Yes, let's go ahead and stomp this "evil" from the world, but we can't stop before we've erased it from our own country as well.
Because if we don't, and if there's justice in the world, somebody's gonna come in for us some day. As many have pointed out recently, Chile could quite reasonably want Henry Kissinger's "head on a platter" for his criminal participation in the shameful events in their country. And can you even imagine how many war crimes George H.W. Bush could be tried for between his CIA days, Nicaragua, Panama and Iraq?
And then, if our government refused to give them up, god help those who live near whatever cave they hide in. Or by the CIA headquarters which, by the way, is named after George Bush.
We are only attacking military and Bush-related targets. Collateral damage has been kept to a minimum. Although we have no way of backing this up, we believe American claims of civilian casualties are inflated. The bombing of the shopping mall was accidental.
8. SCHOOL OF ASSASSINS
I got a good one for you. Ever heard of the School of the Americas? It is an actual training facility, located in Georgia, where our tax dollars are used to train South American troops to fight dirty. Manuel Noriega was one distinguished graduate. Many infamous dictators, death squads and human rights abusers were trained at this school, and many of them even have their pictures hanging in the "Wall of Fame."
Like I said, I'm an ignorant motherfucker. I never even HEARD of this before. And I'm hoping most other people haven't either because if so, how could they let this go on?
There's a group called School of the Americas Watch (I believe www.soaw.org is the web address) which could tell you more about it than I could. Please read up. I think you will agree that Georgia might as well be the next bombing target in the War on Terrorism.
School of Assassins is a short documentary about the topic, narrated by Susan Sarandon. If you know of a better movie about it please let me know. I would like to see somebody exploit it crassly in an action movie so it can enter the popular culture. But I haven't figured out yet how to get Bruce or Jet taking on South American troops in Georgia without it seeming ridiculous.
9. MANUFACTURING CONSENT
I want to apologize for throwing so many political documentaries at you at once, but until Steve Seagal or somebody starts making pictures that deal with this issues this is all I can suggest. That's why the Billy Jack pictures mean so much to me - they are as close as we've come so far to combining these two forces.
MANUFACTURING CONSENT is a documentary about Noam Chomsky. And what the fuck do I care about some linguist? I can't even speak english. Well in this movie Noam Chomsky discusses his theories about the mass media and how they, in cahoots with the government and the corporations who own them, shape individuals's perception of world events. Not just through what they cover and don't cover, but also by limiting the debate - for example, by the time I turned on the tv on September 11th it had already been decided that we were at war and had to retaliate, and the debate was about HOW we would retaliate, and how we would pick somebody to retaliate against. Get involved in this debate and you might forget that wait a minute, isn't there some other option to weigh against retaliation? Oh well, I guess they must've ruled that out before I woke up.
The movie is pretty balanced, often showing interviews with people from the New York Times and other companies that seem to simplify Chomsky's ideas into conspiracy theory, but they make good points. Still it is hard not to notice how exactly Chomsky's theories apply to television today. There is a little about the Gulf War and how the major newspapers all rallied behind Bush's refusal to negotiate with "the aggressor" Saddam Hussein, without anyone pointing out the obvious hypocrisy of this argument coming from the dude that invaded Panama.
No, this isn't a vast media conspiracy. But could it really be that everyone in the media is a fucking moron and doesn't notice these things? I doubt it. It is in the best interest of these corporations to leave out certain stories that go against the official story. I heard a story today on the NPR about how AOL/Time/Warner and other corporations who own cable news stations are actually losing money by reporting extensively on the war, and how they are expected to bring this up at a later date to convince the government to be more lenient about their mergers.
Gee, does that sound like a climate that will lead to fair and accurate reporting? Do you think any of these corporations are going to look the other way while their stations report stories that are unfavorable toward US military action? Or are they going to continue tossing out whatever garbage Bush and friends want them to, like good little boys and girls? He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.
The most powerful section in MANUFACTURING CONSENT is a comparison of the media coverage of two similar, genocidal atrocities that were going on at the same time: the one in Cambodia and the one in East Timor. The Cambodian one, of course, was communist, while the East Timor one was backed by the US, using mostly US weapons. And while the american media bent over backwards to show their outrage at Cambodia, there was little coverage of East Timor. This is illustrated dramatically when the filmmakers unroll the 70 inches of New York Times column space devoted to East Timor next to the 1,175 devoted to Cambodia.
The government and the media are not content to talk to us honestly, as adults. They have to paint these things into good guys and bad guys, and they never play fair. Well fuck man, of course I hate Osama bin Laden. I'm not on his side. But being on the side of the US military is not the other option. The world trade center attacks were bad because they KILLED NEARLY 6,000 PEOPLE. I don't care if they were done for a legitimate cause. And I feel exactly the same way about US military bombings, burnings, assassinations, etc. Yes, stopping terrorism would be a good cause. But it would not legitimize killing all these people in Afghanistan. How in fuck's name is terrorism bad and militarism okay? Militarism is just terrorism on a bigger budget.
Maybe you don't agree with me. So we should debate it. This is a topic that should be considered. I haven't seen it mentioned on tv, on the radio, in the major newspapers, or the major news web sights. Have you? You'd think there was no one out there who had considered that a WAR on TERRORISM might be a little bit hypocritical.
But I must be the only one, otherwise it would be on tv.
In these troubled times, it is important for us NOT to turn our back on Badass Cinema. At the same time, I think it is a good time for us to consider raising the standards for political content in a Badass picture. I hope we don't see any more action movies that read like government press releases about war. It is not impossible for a movie to kick ass and provoke thought at the same time. And a real Badass is willing to take on not just enemies with guns, but huge, crushing ideas. And I never thought I'd say this but it really can be braver to go in and talk then to just run in and kick a guy in the balls.
I mean, can you imagine something more Badass than an American ambassador strolling in and TALKING to the Taliban? Would that not show the world that AMERICA HAS ENORMOUS BALLS?
I don't know what all went on there but I gotta admire Jesse Jackson. Naturally since the man has run for president in cahoots with a major political party, I don't trust him any more than his wife does. But I admire a man who can go in and piss off the US government by talking people into freeing hostages. (And he was already an enemy of Bush, since he was the loudest voice about the illegitimacy of Bush's "election." Notice that the story about Jackson's love child broke right before the inauguration? Not a coincidence.)
I mean, what could possibly be more threatening to the Man than saving lives with conversation? Not one explosion, rape or throat slitting was used in his previous hostage negoations, from what I've heard. So our military government can't even make heads or tales of it. If he was going in there like Bruce and picking them off one by one, that would be one thing. Very different from our military's tactic of burning down houses, burying people alive etc., but at least it involves killing. This negotiation business is new.
Of course the corporate media is going to look down on this. The man is going outside the Bush adminstration to solve things in a more peaceful manner. So he is portrayed as just grandstanding. Trying to get attention.
Who the fuck cares? If the man can stop a world war, give him all the attention he wants. Give him his own sitcom, I don't care. Go get 'em, Jesse.
Talk about ungrateful, jesus. In the comical books you nerds read, do they do that to Superman? He comes in and saves a bunch of people from a volcano eruption or something, and everybody gets all pissed and says he's interfering? That would be stupid.
Notice that Jesse wanted the Taliban to hand over bin Laden not to the US, but to the World Court? This makes Bush uncomfortable because every war his dad has been in has violated numerous international laws. American Presidents feel about World Court the same way the rest of us feel about cops. They feel about the Geneva convention the way many feel about having to piss in a jar.
If Bush really wanted to be fair, this would be the deal: you hand over bin Laden to the World Court, we'll hand over my dad. He's getting old, what does he care? I'll try to convince him to spill the beans on everything they did in his CIA days, during the secret war in nicaragua, the invasion of Panama and the Gulf War.
Anyway the most brilliant thing Jesse Jackson came up with was saying that a War on Terrorism must also be a War on Hunger and Poverty. Because it is economic conditions that breed terrorists. They don't just magically sprout up waiting to be blown up.
This is an obvious point that any level headed individual already knows. But Jesse's unique twist was to call efforts to relieve poverty a War. Because maybe if the American people are told there is a War on Hunger and Poverty, they'll be more interested. Make us a logo, a little theme music. Get Bush on there making threats and ultimatums against poverty. Pretend that at any second, we might kill thousands of people in their homes in order to stop hunger and poverty. This way the congress, the news outlets and sports fans around the country will get behind the cause. The World Wrestling Federation will certainly take advantage of it if there is potential bloodshed involved.
America loves War!
So come enlist in my War On War. Let me know what you think of the movies I've recommended above. And please let me know of any movies that you think are important, appropriate, or comforting pictures to watch at this time. Pictures that take on a new meaning or urgency in light of recent events. Or especially any pictures that belong on the shelf next to that sweet Billy Jack dvd box set.
As always, but even more than usual, thanks for listening, friends. Be safe, and don't be afraid to speak your mind.
Your friend,
Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS - November 16, 2001
Well, it looks like I'm doin these columns once a month now, and I guess that's better than nothin. This time I'll be reviewing a handful of movies that have NOTHING to do with politics. I haven't seen this Henry Porter witchcraft movie that everybody has a boner about but I have seen some other current pictures and some older ones that I will be discussing.
There's a catch though. First I'm gonna hafta talk politics some more. I'll keep it shorter, but this is more important than ever.
There is a grave threat to America right now. Well, another one. In addition to Islamic extremists crashing planes into our buildings, and right wing extremists sending anthrax to us in the mail, and turbulence symbolically knocking the tails and engines off of our American Airlines planes on Veteran's Day as an accidental commentary on our foreign policy, now we have to worry about our acting president completely and blatantly abandoning the supposed ideals of America, and no one caring.
Well yeah, I was worried about that all along. Now it has happened. And we cannot just be silent about it.
Because when you attach a flag to your car, or talk about being proud to be an American, or say that you're thankful we live in a free country, a democracy - it is clear what you are standing up for. Freedom and democracy. These are things we all believe in, and cherish. But these are not things our regime believes in at all.
Consider:
MILITARY TRIALS
Yesterday I read an article, originally from the Washington Post, that begins by saying, "President Bush declared an 'extraordinary emergency' yesterday that empowers him to order military trials of suspected international terrorists and their collaborators, bypassing the U.S. criminal-justice system, its rules of evidence and its constitutional guarantees."
It goes on to explain that Donald Rumsfeld will appoint the panels and set the rules of evidence, the amount of proof necessary for a guilty verdict. There will be no judicial reviews and no appeals to U.S. civil courts or international tribunals. Death sentences or life imprisonment will be allowed.
What does this say about Bush? It says that he wants to execute people, but he does not want to have to prove that they have committed the crimes. He does not want the people of America, or the world, to know what was discussed at the trials. If it were up to him, there would be none of this "innocent until proven guilty" garbage in America. Unless it came to one of his fellow oil barons. (Did you hear that the Exxon-Valdez decision was overturned? They no longer owe $5 billion.)
This anti-American attitude is also demonstrated in the war in Afghanistan. Bush claims he has evidence that bin Laden did it, but refuses to show it. Rather than capture these people and prove they did it, their goal is to blow them up and everything around them.
Can you imagine if Columbine had been handled this way? The parents of those two kids that apparently did it were harboring terrorists. They allowed them to build bombs and collect an arsenal right under their noses. And where were they getting the money to buy all these weapons anyway? Probably from the parents. We can't take any chances so what we're gonna do, we're gonna go in and blow up the whole neighborhood.
See, police can get away with that sometimes in the US, but not all the time. Because people tend to notice. But go overseas and nobody cares anymore whether we're promoting the supposed ideals of America. And that's the impression many Arabs have of us.
FREEDOM OF THE PRESS
Now, the media here has big business's dick WAY up its ass. But compared to some countries, I'm told, it's a free press. And one would hope our government supported that idea, since it's part of our constitution.
Not outside of our borders, though. In Afghanistan they are actually ATTACKING the tv stations. They considered granting interviews to Al Jazeera, but instead granted missiles.
PRESIDENTS WHO LOSE ELECTIONS
On Veteran's Day, the same day the plane accidentally crashed, a media consortium finally released the results of their study of Florida's ballots in the last election.
These results were originally going to come out in September, but then there was terrorism and they decided to delay the results. Because when everyone is saying to stand by the president, it's hard to tell them about this.
You see, they ran through 9 scenarios of ways the ballots could have been recounted. In 6 of the 9 scenarios, Gore won. That includes the most important scenario: statewide recount. Meaning that in actuality, if not for all the cheating and legal wrangling on both sides, just going by the actual votes (except not including all the minority votes that were deliberately thrown out by Bush's brother), Gore actually won the election.
I'm not saying that Gore would be doing a good job either. But it is important to note when, in a democracy, the candidate without the popular vote OR the electoral vote still wins.
Of course, the newspapers don't have the balls to cover this topic. Or maybe they just didn't think it was newsworthy. So their emphasis was on one of the 3 out of 9 scenarios where Bush would have won: if the courts hadn't unconstitutionally stopped the limited recounts of select counties, Bush still would have won. So if anyone just read the headline and not the article, they wouldn't even know what was going on here.
But this is not a conspiracy, and the media does not try to shape public opinion, and big business does not control the news just because they own it. No, all of the journalists just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It's not that big of a story, really. Not when there's Henry Porter mania in the air!
RACIAL PROFILING
From the Associated Press: Investigators are questioning 5,000 foreigners in the U.S. They have contacted more than 200 colleges asking for information about students from Arab and Muslim nations. Almost all of the colleges have complied.
If this doesn't make you uncomfortable than read up on
THOUSANDS OF ARABS IN CUSTODY
You don't hear much about them, and in fact nobody knows much about them. But these people are being held without charges, and you can't tell me that most of them even have anything to do with it. Some of them have been beaten, one died "of an apparent heart attack".
Some of these guys are suspicious, like the guy at the flight school who said he didn't need to learn how to take off or land. But many of them are people who just happen to be Arab in America, or who went to pay their friend's bail. There is at least one case of a person who had briefly met one of the hijackers, so he went to the police to tell them what he knew - and was promptly incarcerated.
Combine this with
WIRETAPPING
Which is now being allowed - they are allowed by law to listen into the suspects phone calls with their lawyers, as well as read their e-mail.
Imagine this scenario:
Young Arab man goes to college in the US. Because of his background, gets involved with political groups on campus interested in Arab issues. This is reported by the college to inquiring authorities.
Young man is brought in for questioning. They don't agree with his politics, but he has no connection to terrorism. They hold him on an alleged immigration violation, just to be safe.
Later they decide to charge him with something. Collaboration. The charges are ludicrous. But his lawyer - court appointed, but a good guy nevertheless - still has trouble defending him. The prosecutors seem to know every strategy they have planned. As if they'd been listening into their phone calls and reading their e-mails.
Worse yet, let's suppose he gets a military trial. They don't have to prove jack shit. And they can still execute him. And we won't even know what happened - for national security reasons. We'll just have to assume yeah, he must've done it, whatever it was he did.
This scenario is going to happen. I promise you. And it's now COMPLETELY LEGAL.
It's become a cliche now but it has to be said. They came for the gypsies, and I said nothing. They came for the homosexuals, I said nothing. etc. etc. WE CANNOT LET THIS GO ON. Even if they never come for us, they are coming for many of our brothers who have committed no crime, who have known no criminals, who just came to America from another country, because they believed in the freedom and democracy that we are so willing to abandon.
On that note, let's talk about MOVIES, gang!
HOORAY FOR MOVIES!
There's another group of people who don't believe in the American ideals, and they are the French. That is because they believe in the French ideals. Which are the same as American ideals, except more romantic, and better looking.
(I guess. I'm not geographer.)
The French have a new movie to offer called AMELIE. This is about a gal called Amelie, a goofy dreamer with a childlike innocence and sense of mischief.
The story kicks in when she stumbles across a boy's time capsule hidden inside her apartment. She tracks down the original owner and secretly returns it to him. This inspires her to go on a number of secret crusades, covertly doing good deeds for her co-workers, neighbors, and father. Amelie is a nice gal, practically a saint, but she'd also agree with that bumbersticker that says "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK" (at least if it was translated into French). So she also plays cruel pranks on an asshole who torments one of the people she tries to help.
Of course, this is Paris so there's gotta be romance somewhere. Amelie finds a man (played by Mathieu Kassovitz, the French dude who directed La Haine) and she courts him by choreographing the same sorts of fanciful tricks she uses to manipulate the lives of those around her, leaving him mysterious notes and photos, leading him on scavenger hunts. But will she ever have the balls to talk to him face-to-face, and find out if he lives up to her dreams?
This is directed by Jean Pierre Jeunet, one of the two who did The Delicatessen and City of Lost Children. This is not grim like those two but is obviously the work of the same mind. It is visually stupendous and loving crammed full of whimsical observations, strange coincidences, funny little stories and even occasional special effects to illustrate Amelie's powerful imagination. You can tell this fella kept a journal of every idea he ever thought of and worked them all smoothly into the screenplay.
What this is is the romantic comedy to end all romantic comedies. The movie that Chocolat wanted to be but didn't come close to. It is absolutely unique and it would be hard for anyone with a heart not to enjoy it. It will be a huge crossover phenomenon, especially with Miramax behind it. People are going to go crazy over this movie. Oscar nominations are guaranteed, and well deserved.
The point is, I HATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Because there is no way you won't love it. It's embarassing.
Please do not tell anyone I liked this movie. Or that I walked out of the theater with a big smile on my face, feeling high as a kite. Looking at the line of people around the block waiting for the next show, thinking, maybe I should get in line, see it again. If I hadn't caught myself I might've even used the word "delightful" in describing the movie. Oh, jesus. I'm gonna catch hell for this.
Another movie I saw recently from a French director was CRYING FREEMAN. This is an older movie from the fella who directed BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF, which is playing film festivals now and getting some hype in the internet movie nerd community.
Crying Freeman never got released in the US but if you look hard now you can find a region free dvd of it. It's based on a japanese porno comic strip and it stars Mark Dacascos, one of the finer of the lesser straight to video martial arts stars.
I'm not gonna say this is a great movie, but I kinda liked it. It is very influenced by John Woo, but it was made back when that was a new idea in the US. Mark Dacascos is a sculptor who gets brainwashed by some weird Chinese cult and becomes an assassin. If it were up to him he'd just be making pots all day and maybe fucking this white girl painter he hooks up with, but it's not up to him. So instead he's hiding weapons in his clay, going around showing off his tattoos and murdering people, getting in shootouts. But when he kills people he cries.
Again, this goes back to my theory of Badass juxtaposition: sculptor/assassin. murderer/crybaby. dangerous/sensitive.
But what's really important and historical about this movie is this: it was filmed in Vancouver, Canada. And it takes place not in New York. Not in Los Angeles. Not even in Chicago, or Paris. No, it takes place in... Vancouver, Canada!
You Canadians - and I know there are some of you out there, because you were so offended by my Ginger Snaps review (sorry, fellas) - tell me, is this the first time ever? Has a movie EVER taken place in Vancouver?
The only thing that would be better would be if it was filmed in New York but took place in whatever Vancouver neighborhood Rumble in the Bronx was filmed in.
If you read my review of THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE on The Ain't It Cool News web sight then you saw my complaints about the release of this horror movie BONES.
They advertised the shit out of this picture, making it look like the new Blacula. The rapper Snoopy Dogg plays a '70s blaxploitation style hustler who was murdered and comes back as a ghost in the '90s to get his baaaaaadaaasss revenge and re-hook up with his girlfriend, Pam Grier.
So I decided yes, I'll see Bones. And then it was released. In Renton.
No theater in Seattle played it. There were 4 theaters in the state playing it, the nearest one requiring two long bus rides to out in the middle of nowhere, a big megaplex across the street from Ikea.
I'm not sure if it was worth the trip or not. I enjoyed the picture on its own level as a Nightmare On Elm Street sequel with Snoop instead of Freddy and blaxploitation flashbacks in place of insane asylum flashbacks. Like Blacula, they made Snoop's character Jimmy Bones pretty sympathetic. He was a numbers runner, not a pimp or anything, but he made it rich, drove fancy cars, gave money to the children of the neighborhood just like Goldy in THE MACK. Then some hustlers and a dirty cop tried to get him to agree to bring crack into the neighborhood. He said no, so they killed him, and later he'd return as a dog-themed ghost to get his revenge.
Snoop Dogg is perfect for Jimmy Bones. He's so tall and lanky. He looks so effortlessly cool. Like he's lazy about being cool. They dress him up like Superfly but have him walk around in the dark in slow motion.
The best part is when he cuts off a guy's head and carries it around, and it talks to him.
The movie needed more Jimmy Bones, though, and they should've stuck with him being sympathetic. It makes you uncomfortable when one of his victims is a pretty good guy, but also a sellout. Who do you root for? It's interesting. But then at the end he just turns into a monster and starts cackling like Freddy.
Also there's this a little bit of a SPAWN feel to it. They got the guy from The Pretender as the dirty cop, but for no apparent reason he wears fat guy makeup.
Still, I'd watch Bones 2. If it was playing in my state. Especially if they have the severed head as his wisecracking sidekick.
A sequel I wouldn't see, though, would be THE WASH 2. Because I didn't like THE WASH 1. This is a movie starring Snoop Dogg and his mentor Dr. Dre. It is directed by DJ Pooh who co-wrote FRIDAY, a pretty funny movie. But he also directed THREE STRIKES, which made me think, maybe he should stick to being DJ Pooh. Come back when you're Director Pooh.
He's almost there. I really liked the photography. It has a gritty, almost documentary look to the lighting. A huge step up from the cheeseball, homemade feel of Three Strikes.
Also the performances are good. Snoops is just playing kind of an asshole, but Dre is his more responsible roommate who gets a job as the manager at the car wash where Snoops works.
Most of the plot is driven by money frustrations, and that's what really works about the movie. Dre has to ride the bus to work. He gets his water shut off right after taking a shit. He gets a hot date but he is embarassed to say he works at a car wash. And then it turns into a disaster because how do you have a romantic date without your roommate getting in the way?
(go watch Amelie, probably, but Dre didn't know about that.)
Dre deals with all this believably and for a first time actor, better known as the owner of a record label who has been a famous pop star for something like 15 years, this is a fucking miracle.
But this is an unofficial remake of CAR WASH, you'd wish you could say something better than "I liked the acting and lighting." Like, "I laughed at least three times" would be good.
Unfortunately the movie's just not funny. When they try to make it funny most of the time all they do is humiliate the poor doctor. They show him sitting on the john with a sweaty forehead or, worse, rubbing his crotch while he listens to Snoop getting it on in the bathroom at work.
And why does somebody have to take a big shit in every DJ Pooh movie anyway? Is that some rap thing I don't know about?
So I'm changing my criticism of DJ Pooh. You're almost Director Pooh now. But come back when you're Writer Pooh. And bring Dre and Snoop with you.
thanks friends
more soon
Vern
DECEMBER 3rd, 2001 - THOSE DELIGHTFUL FRENCH
Last time we spoke I found that the best way to forget about the nightmarish USA P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act - which is designed to protect freedom and democracy by, among other things, allowing police to enter and search your house without probable cause, warning or even notification after the fact - was through the delights of French Cinema.
As you know the french are very romantic, very beautiful, full of whimsy and what not. The French always know how to make you smile, like they did with AMELIE, or MR. HULOT'S HOLIDAY, or those musicals with the umbrellas and etc.
For example they got this movie called SEVEN DEADLY SINS that I just discovered. Anyone who has read my works thoroughly knows of my admiration for the director Roger Vadim, who married Jane Fonda, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve. Also, his movies were pretty good.
Vadim is most famous for BARBARELLA, and then for SPIRITS OF THE DEAD, the edgar a. poe anthology picture he did a segment of along with whatsisname, the frenchy, as well as godard, malle, fellini, and etc. etc. SEVEN DEADLY SINS is another one along the lines of SPIRITS but this one is in black and white and has the, you know, the seven deadly sins theme. Seven segments, seven sins, all french.
This one's got Vadim, it's got Godard, it's got Chabrol, it's even got Demy who is the individual who did the young ladies of the umbrellas at the corner of cherbourg and rochefort. No fellini this time but otherwise, you got every individual who ever mattered in europe, except maybe robin hood, I don't know.
So you got Godard in this one, he does the famous sin "sloth". His story is about a movie producer so lazy he doesn't want to take off his clothes when he gets down to the casting couch type business. There is a scene at the gas station where the producer asks a guy hey, wanna make a quick buck? And the guy says no, I'm not interested. So the producer lets out a disappointed sigh and goes ahead and just ties his shoe his damn self.
Vadim's sin is "pride" (maybe that's why his version of Dangerous Liasons says "Un film de VADIM" instead of using his full name) but he goes ahead and makes it about fuckin anyway. His is about a husband who's cheating on his wife with a gal who is cheating on her husband, but he doesn't realize that his wife is actually cheating on him and also there are two mannequins who are in love.
My favorite one though is the first one, "anger", written by - whatsisdick - you know, the theater of the absurd fucker. Ionesco I believe is his name. This one kinda reminds me of ol' Louie Boonuel, with this ridiculous story about how everybody gets a fly in their soup one Sunday and this leads to the destruction of the earth.
I really enjoyed this picture, thanks to the hard work of the French Cinematists of yesteryear. For 113 glorious minutes I was able to forget that Unelected President Bush just one month ago signed an executive order giving presidents, former presidents and former Vice Presidents the power to veto the release of any information from their time in office. So some time in the future, a hypothetical former vice president, let's give him a random name - maybe "George H.W. Billingsley" - he could hide whatever it was he did during his tenure, whether it was picking his nose or, let's say... for years allowing cocaine into the country to finance an army of terrorists in Nicaragua. Or you know, whatever it is.
Anyway, movies though. French movies.
An extremely kind reader of mine named
Jeremiah sent me a new French picture coming out on video next week called
BAISE MOI,
which I figured would mean something sweet like "Kiss Me" or
"Shall We Dance" or "Chocolat", but it turns out it
means "Rape Me." Well, you can't win 'em all.
You know now that I think about it "RAPE ME" isn't all that delightful of a picture. I don't know if I'd even call it "charming". MAYBE it's cute... at the very most. But jesus, I can't imagine how.
But I'm not a big fan of being delighted anyway so I still enjoyed it. It's basically your nihilistic, two women on a crime-spree, killing for fun and sometimes against the oppression of men type of movie. The genre commonly known as "Thelma and the Louise meets (blank)." It's shot on video and looks pretty good as far as garbagey video movies go. Not as good as "JULIEN THE HALF MAN, HALF DONKEY" but miles ahead of your "BAMBOOZLED" or "ORIGINAL KINGS IN COMEDY." It's a hip ultraviolence type picture, the editing is real good, it moves at a good pace, the rock soundtrack keeps you pumped, kind of a female "NOWHERE TO HIDE" type of feel. Except this one was made by porn stars, so there is real fucking and sucking, as we call it in the film critic business. i.e. actual pornographic penetration type shots. And yet, with a real plot and characters, and acting.
For decades, man has yearned to create the legitimate porno. On the softcore side you had arty directors like Radley Metzger and, to a lesser extent, Andrew Blake. Or you had directors like Gregory Dark who started with hardcore like New Wave Hookers and Black Throat, but later sought legitimacy through softcore "erotic thrillers". During the '70s, in the Deepthroat era, the mainstream flirted with porno. Stanley Kubrick thought about making a big studio type movie with penetration. Terry Southern Wrote a book called "Blue Movie" inspired by that idea.
Even today, with Kubrick dead and only the semi-smutty Eyes Wide Shut to his name, Stanley's dream is alive. I just read on the Ain't It Cool News that Ridley Scott (the advertising director that made Alien years ago and has been running on fumes ever since) might be making a "semi-hardcore" sex drama. I don't know what that means because I mean, is there penetration or not? That's what you have to ask yourself - does the penis go into the vagina, or not?
The answer, in the case of BAISE MOI, is yes. And in a way I think this is what Kubrick wanted, because it's a real movie with penetration. It's not a porno, because the focus is not on the sex. Sure, these two girls will pick up a guy, and you will see the penis and the vagina, or the penis and the mouth, and you will see what they do together. But then before you know it, the girls start beating the guy to death and then it's plot plot plot, character character character. This is not a picture you want to put on the shelf next to Virtual Blowjobs and Deep Inside Cassidy.
Really, I don't know where these French porn stars learned how to make pictures, but they seem to know what they're doing. There's some good black humor, like during one actual-penetration, seriously-this-is-real-hardcore-pornography type sex scene, one of the women leans her head back, sees a sausage being cut upside down on the tv, and smiles.
But there are also some real raw, emotional moments to put us men in place. In the start of the picture there are many thuggish male characters, like you would have in your typical Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels type crime picture. One of them is very protective of our young ingenue, and when he realizes that she has been raped he does the manly thing and asks who did it as he stalks around the room, preparing to go beat or kill the culprit.
This doesn't impress her, though. "Bastard!" she yells (except in French). "You didn't even ask me if I was okay!" And then she shoots him between the eyes.
And seriously, this isn't all fun and games. I hope there aren't any sick fucks out there who will enjoy the rape scene that kicks off their crime spree. Rape scenes are unpleasant enough without the, you know, the real penetration.
Anyway back to the penetration. This is not the first real movie with penetration. There is almost a movement of this kind of smut going on now, including one called ROMANCE and I believe there was at least one serious relationship drama this year with a real blowjob thrown in for good measure. I can't remember if it was America's Sweethearts or if it was some independent french movie, but one of the two I believe.
Anyway I think this one is more important though, because of its asskicking if-killing-men-is-feminist-then-yes-I'm-a-feminist type feel. Think of the statement it makes to have actual porn stars making a movie like this. I mean, how seriously or unseriously can you take it? Is this director, Virginie Despentes, giving us a warning?
It is also a hoot because you can only imagine what trouble it will cause in the home video market. I mean look, I watch my share of porn. I know that when you see certain things on screen, it is your signal to start jerkin off, right? But you start enjoying yourself and picturing yourself in the scene there, and you don't expect that before you finish, the chick is gonna jump off and kick your face in with her porn stilettos.
You know how the word got out about Romance, that there was actual penetration in it, and then you had your arthouse fellas who don't rent porn start renting it, hoping to get a peek without the stigma that comes with renting, say, a Barely Legal title? I think the same thing will happen here, but let me tell you, when the fellas see what these chicks do... let's just say there are gonna be a lot of perfectly good boners lost, in my opinion.
To sum up, I recommend this picture highly, unless you're gonna jerk off.
Before I go I would like to thank the country of France, as well as Jeremiah who sent me BAISE MOI. He also sent me an early copy of BROTHER which is still the frontrunner for this year's Outlaw Awards, although we are still all looking forward to last year's Outlaw Awards.
I would also like to thank all the other individuals who sent me movies in the past, including Soren who sent me HIGH RISK, and the greek fellow who sent me NOWHERE TO HIDE, and the independent filmmakers who sent me the lawnmower picture and the library picture. I'm sorry I still haven't gotten to reviewing those. I am an ungrateful bastard. I don't know what it was about Jeremiah's package that made it stand out.
And by the way Jeremiah thank you also for including THE OTHER SIDE OF SHAWNEE and JOHN FRIENDLY'S BIG AND SMALL #3. I've seen better but free porn is free porn.
One other note: apparently google bought out deja like a year ago, and now the fuckers discontinued the e-mail. So if you MUST e-mail me (and yes, you must), forget that old outlaw_69@my-deja bullshit. The new one is outlawvern@hotmail.com.
Thanks friends.
Vern