HERE IS MY POST-OSCAR COMMENTS
This column used to be about movies, not Bush, so what the hell. I'll do an oscar column. If you don't give a shit about the oscars no problem, go read something else by me, such as my book. thanks.
I like to watch the oscars but I got a sixth sense for not being able to guess what's gonna win. Every once in a while it fucks up on me and I guess one of the dark horses. I knew Polanski was gonna win for THE PIANIST, to name the one example. But for the most part, I am not an individual to be betting on any oscar pools. This year, I really thought BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN was a lock. My feeling was, this is not only widely acclaimed and award winning, its also a great movie that everybody seems to like. I can't tell you how many people I know who were just like me, surprised how much they liked a movie about gay shepherds. It's just one of those things like ice cream or root beer or something. Who likes movies but doesn't like BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN?
People tried to turn it into a gay thing, like "oh, Hollywood is trying to prove they're enlightened so they'll vote for a gay movie." But I don't think that's even it. It's just a good movie. And I should point out, Larry McMurtry wrote this movie. The guy wore jeans and cowboy boots to the Oscars. He wrote LONESOME DOVE. He doesn't have a computer and still writes on a typewriter. If this guy is okay with the gays then maybe it's time to figure this type of tolerance is normal and not something you need to brag about in 2006. BROKEBACK deserved it not because we gotta prove a point about a shepherd's right to love another shepherd, but because it's a real good movie.
I mean if it was up to me it woulda been A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, but that wasn't nominated. And of course alot of people didn't like KING KONG as much as I did. But this is the first time in my life when I'd seen all the best picture nominees when they announced them, so I can truly say it's a good lineup. You got BROKEBACK. You got CAPOTE, which was another one that surprised me. It was real creepy and tense and managed to paint Capote (or CUH-POE-TAY as both me and Jack Nicholson pronounce it) as a complete scumbag without making you hate him. Even Gore Vidal, who despised the real Capoté, said it was a pretty good movie.
MUNICH is definitely in my top three but have you ever noticed that Israel is a touchy subject for some people? I noticed that one time. So even though it's my favorite of the five, I didn't expect it to win and wasn't all that surprised how it could be nominated for best picture and director without hardly even being mentioned in the broadcast or any of the coverage. It's the invisible classic.
Then you got GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK, that's a good one. Felt a little small to me but it was beautifully directed and acted, original in its approach and obviously made a strong point about our world today. I'd be surprised if that won but happy for Clooney and friends.
Shit, I'd be happy if any one of these movies won, especially MUNICH or BROKEBACK, the two I can most imagine people will still watch years from now. We did good with these, this is a day we can all be proud of as Americans. The only thing that could go wrong would be if they chose CRASH but I mean, come on, why would anybody take that group of movies and then actually think--
oh jesus. Of course CRASH had to win. It's so obviously wrong that it makes it a shoo-in. I really had an election 2004 kind of moment there where after Nicholson said it, it took me four or five seconds for my brain to even process it. I really thought he was gonna say he was kidding. I even checked IMDB afterwards in case it was gonna turn out everybody got on stage before he finished saying he was joking. A big mixup. I didn't even see what happened on stage there, I got kind of dizzy. There's some missing time there, I hope nothing was set on fire. The Oscars this year were like the movie HIGH TENSION - pretty good until the twist ending that makes all that came before turn to shit.
I mean come on. I think I hate CRASH less than anybody I've ever met. I know Roger Ebert loves the shit out of it but that's his thing, he's a smart guy that is often spectacularly, crazily wrong. But I can't give the entire Academy a Roger Ebert get out of jail free card. The idea that that many people actually chose it as the best movie of the year is a complete headscratcher to me. Somebody really relates to that silly overwrought horse shit? Maybe the right wing crazies are partly right about how isolated "the Hollywood elite" are. So that's what people mean when they talk about "self-congratulatory claptrap." I don't care if it's a good cast and means well, that doesn't mean you gotta pin a fuckin ribbon on it.
I don't want to come down on Paul Haggis too hard because I liked MILLION DOLLAR BABY, and let's be honest, I'd probaly like WALKER, TEXAS RANGER if I sat down and watched it. But I expect more out of America than this. Some weirdo Canadian throws some shitty new age music on his silly fantasy play about race relations in L.A. and it convinces us the thing is deep? We know better than that. Let's get it together, Americans.
I don't know, I guess I don't travel around the world talking to people about CRASH, but I honestly haven't met or heard from anybody that liked it yet. My feeling is that it's a movie to be enjoyed by a certain type of Hollywood people and critics who are easily won over by well-intentioned mediocrity. But normal people who enjoy movies don't like that type of shit. Not as far as I can tell. The nerds on Ain't It Cool hate it. The people I know in real life, who don't usually agree with the nerds on Ain't It Cool, hate it. I thought it had redeeming moments but was mostly silly and sometimes unintentionally hilarious.
Of course, if you look at the history of the Oscars, a mediocre to bad movie is much more likely to win than a really great and timeless one. That's just the way it works. I was fine with MILLION DOLLAR BABY and RETURN OF THE KING in the last two years but let's not get too comfortable here. Just go backwards through the list and it's uncanny how often it happens.
2002 - CHICAGO
2001 - A BEAUTIFUL MIND
2000 - GLADIATOR
1999 - AMERICAN BEAUTY
1998 - SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE
Five years in a row of overrated fluff. The year before that was TITANIC which at least could be argued was better than the other nominees (THE FULL MONTY was really in there?) But in 1994, FORREST GUMP won over PULP FICTION. In 1990, DANCES WITH WOLVES won over fucking GOODFELLAS. (GHOST was nominated too, surprised that didn't win.) When ORDINARY PEOPLE won it was over RAGING BULL and THE ELEPHANT MAN. KRAMER VS. KRAMER beat out APOCALYPSE NOW. 2001 wasn't even nominated. The fact that UNFORGIVEN was is a god damn miracle. Check out a list of best picture nominees and you'll see a whole lot of movies, highly acclaimed at the time, that not too many people give a shit about anymore. Maybe giving the Oscar to a movie like CRASH is an act of charity, making it a part of history so that some people will still rent it in a couple years, just for academic purposes.
If you look back at the '70s it gets a little better. '75 was a good year, check out the nominees: BARRY LYNDON, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, JAWS, NASHVILLE, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST. I think that's the only year I found where all five nominees are still respected and re-watched to this day. '76 isn't bad - it's a shame to see TAXI DRIVER and NETWORK get the shaft but ROCKY is still a good one so you can't be mad at Rocky. He's an underdog, man, that's what he does is win.
So the one bad movie in a group of five pulls off a surprise upset. That's some bullshit, there should've been chairs flying in there, but at least it's part of a longstanding Oscar tradition. It's not unprecedented. The thing is, there's gotta be some balance here. If everything is right in the Oscars people are gonna start thinking there's justice in the world. The world had to suffer a CRASH victory in order to get the thrilling victory of "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" in the best original song category. This is another example of my extreme incorrectness about Oscar winners. In my review of HUSTLE AND FLOW (another one I'd rather have seen nominated than CRASH), I mentioned that "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" SHOULD win the best song oscar but would never even be nominated because it's about pimps. So you could argue that I was wrong about that.
Of course, the performance of the song cannot be seen as a victory for artistic excellence. It was almost as funny as the invisible cloak scene in CRASH. Not only did the song's writers "3-6 MAFIA" perform the song with funny TV-safe alternate lyrics, they also added disco violins. And interpretive dancers portraying hookers, johns and undercover cops. It looked like HUSTLE AND FLOW ON ICE. One interesting note though, these guys were told which swear words they couldn't say on TV, but they were allowed to say "bitches" and "hos." They decided to self censor because kids might be watching, which is why the new chorus mentions "a whole lot of witches jumpin ship."
They seem like cool guys, I liked their speech where they thanked Gil Cates and George Clooney. I think this might be the only time we ever hear "know what I'm sayin, Gil Cates" said on the Oscars, or anywhere. You'd expect somebody called "3-6 Mafia" to play tough and unimpressed but these guys were fucking delighted to win an Oscar. Maybe it's time to retire the "You like me, you really like me" jokes and only do "know what I'm sayin, Gil Cates."
This is of course the second hip hop song ever to win the Oscar, but the first one performed and accepted. Eminem won for "Lose Yourself" in 8 MILE but he didn't show up and claimed he didn't even watch on TV. The ingrate. (He shows up at MTV awards though, and gets in fights with puppets.)
Another more subtle musical breakthrough is BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN's win for best score. That was a real memorable and effective score played on guitars, it's amazing it could win over some standard orchestral business. Maybe this will pave the way for a future RZA or David Holmes type score winning. (Not fuckin likely.)
Of course, it raises the question of how the hell an Argentinian guy ends up scoring a chinese director's American movie that's shot in Canada. I guess it really is a world of laughter and a world of tears, a world of hopes and a world of etc.
Other than the twist ending the show was pretty good. John Stuart I thought did a good job, it's nice to be free of fucking Billy Crystal and god damn Whoopi Goldberg for a couple of years. I think there was only one agent joke and one about the length of the broadcast. And thank god they dropped all that bullshit from last year like giving away "lesser" awards in the audience. I liked the best actress and sound design smear ads they played. Also good to see George Clooney win and I liked his speech about being proud to be liberal. I would've added a "take that, motherfuckers" at the end but that's why I'm me and he's the new Cary Grant.
Did you notice nobody really cried? Reese Witherspoon and P.S. Hoffman got close. Not too many memorable speeches but nobody I wanted to throw shit at. Nice to have a 100% Zelweger free broadcast for once. "Oh my god, I can't believe I won an award, this is such a surprise to win yet another award"
And you know what BROKEBACK fans, never fear. Let's remember that LORD OF THE RINGS never won until they finished the trilogy. Maybe Oscar voters are waiting for ESCAPE FROM BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Of course, I already learned when I picked BOSS'N UP for best picture that straight to video isn't eligible. But maybe the academy didn't know.
Ah damn, I was trying to talk myself out of being mad, but for crying out loud, the more I think about it... sheeit. You got 4 out of 5 reasonable choices and you choose CRASH - that's as bad as Dick Cheney missing all the retarded wingless quail on the ground and hitting a dude in the face. It's like you're TRYING to fuck it up. Is it possible that the increasingly younger academy was voting ironically? You know how those young fuckers are.
Let's try this. If anybody out there really believes CRASH (not the Cronenberg one) is a truly great movie, please email me. I'm not gonna argue or make fun of you, you read this whole column so obviously I gotta respect you. I just want to see if I can find anybody besides famous actors and some critics who love it. If you want to defend it or justify your love that would be cool but I won't make you.
Or even if you don't like it but you know somebody, like your elderly parents or some guy you saw at the grocery store who likes it, let me know. I want to figure out who it is that likes this movie. There must be SOMEBODY. This type of shit doesn't come out of nowhere.
Anyway enough on that. thanks everybody.
--VERN
THE STEVEN SEAGAL BLUES BAND
May 27th, 2006 at the Tractor Tavern, Seattle
I'm not about to start writing concert reviews, but I think the Steven Seagal Blues Band tour is worth an explanation. From the moment I first heard about the show to the second I got there, I really had no clue what the hell was gonna happen. And I had many discussions with people about who was gonna show up, if anybody. Wouldn't it just be young people going to laugh at him? Would it be embarassing? Would he have to break a dude's wrist and throw him through a window? Or pull a decorative lasso or samurai sword off the wall and go to work? I even had an elaborate notion of how he could bring along a stuntman to pose as a heckler, then do a couple moves on the guy and throw him through sugar glass. That would be one hell of a show.
I know because of stevenseagal.net that there are some crazy female fans whose Seagal fandom is purely about lust. But the internet is a worldwide medium. The question is how many of these women there really are in the world and how many are within driving distance of Seattle. I figured 1 or 2 tops, probaly none. But I figured wrong.
The show sold out, and there were people outside with signs begging for extra tickets. It was a mostly older crowd inside. Lots of grey hair, also lots of bald heads and tattoos. Some tough guys, some ponytails, some nerdy old guys in leather jackets. I wondered if anybody was a serious blues fan. Was anyone here to genuinely examine his chops? There was a pack of crew-cutted frat boys hooting in the back, some young hipster types here and there, possibly for ironic purposes, possibly for Seagalogical study. Probaly more men than women but not much, seemed like lots of husbands and wives. Mostly white people, but all races were represented. I noticed a decent percentage of Native Americans, and a woman wearing a fringed jacket with beadwork like Seagal wears in ON DEADLY GROUND. That made my day. I figured if there was ever a Seagalogy convention you'd be seeing alot of those.
I never been to this place, the Tractor Tavern. There are cowboy boots, some tractor tires and a few farming type tools decorating the place, lots of things that could become improvised weapons if a fight were to break out. Unfortunately there's no pool table so we're not gonna see the legendary pool balls in the napkin move from OUT FOR JUSTICE. This is Seattle, so the country theme is a put-on. It's not an authentic tough joint but it is an approximation of a bar where a fight might occur in a Seagal picture. The bathroom is ridiculously narrow and has a piss trough instead of urinals. But there's a sign on the wall that says "Be nice or leave," and I was immediately struck by how nice everybody was. People apologizing for bumping into each other, letting ladies go first in line, bartenders replacing spilled drinks for free. I saw a woman trying to buy a ticket even though the show was long sold old. She said she had driven all the way from Oregon. The ticket girl thought about it for a moment, stamped the lady's wrist and let her in.
This type of courtesy was also extended by the acts. The show time on the tickets was 8:00, which in Seattle usually means "doors at 8:30, endless shitty opening acts at 10ish." For this show though the opening act started at 8:05. It was J.J. Gilmour, a likeable Scottish singer and guitar strummer. The crowd seemed to like him so it was sad later on to see him having to sell Seagal's t-shirts.
Oh yeah if you're going to this tour you should know that yes, there is merchandise. They got the new CD "Mojo Priest" by Steven Seagal & Thunderbox, and they got a t-shirt with the album cover on it (Seagal sitting on a porch playing an unplugged electric guitar). The shirt comes in grey or black and various sizes, both items cost a reasonable $15.
The band came out promptly and professionally at 9:05. Although they were advertised as "The Steven Seagal Blues Band," some other dates on the tour call them Thunderbox, and I think Seagal called them "Memphis Thunderbox" at one point. Now, I have noticed before that Seagal is a white man, and I am not a particular fan of the white man's blues. So I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Thunderbox is an all black, super fuckin tight young blues band. I vouch for these guys 100%. I'm no expert on the blues, I got "Electric Mud" and I like some Howlin' Wolf and what not when I hear it. Also I've been sad before and I'm pretty broke right now. That's the extent of my expertise. But I'm very confident in my claim that this band is topnotch.
Here's how it lays out: 3 backup guitarists, the most noticeable being Bernard Allison (son of Luther Allison it turns out) because he has two rattlesnake heads on his hat. Then you got a drummer of course, a bass player, a guy on Hammond B-3 (really good) and two very attractive backup singers, one female one male. They jam for a minute and warm up the crowd and then somebody says, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steven Seagal" and the motherfucker climbs up on stage with a flying-V guitar and one of those shiny Asian numbers he loves, orange and sleeveless. He betrays no emotion as he strolls up and starts bluesin it up on the guitar. And the crowd goes fuckin NUTS. His opening salvos are choice but there's no question, they are not cheering for the blues. They are cheering for Casey Ryback. They are cheering for Nico Toscani. They are cheering for the fucking ponytail.
I know because I was one of these people. How often do you get a chance to cheer for a dude you saw throwing people through windows in a couple dozen movies? I know my bud Telf over on the Ain't It Cool talkbacks saw Bruce Willis on stage, but most people have not had that experience. You see them in movies, you don't expect to ever see them in the same room as you. But there he is, towering over everybody else, squinting those eyes, looking exactly like always, except right there in front of me, in person. AND PLAYING A FUCKING GUITAR.
Another thing I wondered when I realized I had a chance to see Steven Seagal playing music was whether or not he would have guitar face. I don't know if anybody else is as fascinated by this as me, but alot of guitarists make goofy faces while they play. They bob their head around and mouth the sounds they're trying to make. Or sometimes they scrunch up like somebody just farted in their face. With somebody like Jimi or some of the traditional blues guys it might be cool. With alot of people, especially white people, it looks ridiculous. And when you are better known as a movie star, like say if you were Al Pacino or Patrick Stewart, you would look even funnier making guitar face. So this was an important question in my mind.
The answer is that Seagal has a very powerful and unique guitar face that is entirely contained within his brow. For most of his playing his face was completely motionless. His mouth just looked like a bracket tipped over. Like in his movies, his eyes were so narrow that you couldn't tell if they were open or closed. But his eyebrows would tilt in and out of a concerned upside down V and he'd shake his head slightly side to side. This is an entirely respectable guitar face that in no way compromises his tough guy screen persona. In fact it emphasizes it, using my Theory of Badass Juxtaposition. Blues guitar is pretty manly so it's not as strong of a juxtaposition as jazz piano (Clint Eastwood) but personally I believe any expressive art counts.
How good is Seagal? I would say he's pretty good, definitely above expectations. With the extreme tightness of his band, I could tell he was a little sloppy on the guitar. At one point I thought one of the backup guitarists might have winced at his playing, but that was probaly my imagination. I don't think his performance was embarassing at all. He could've gotten away with strumming and singing, but he took almost all of the solos. We're not talking about memorizing some chords, he has to know the idiom of blues soloing in order to be able to play these songs, so I think he's serious, not just going through a phase. He did well.
You might've heard some of his singing on his movies. It's funny because you can tell it's him. Like alot of blues I'm sure, the whole production sounds way better live than on CD, including the singing. I couldn't make out all the lyrics, but he's definitely following blues traditions more than putting his unique Seagalian spin on them. Alot of "Well I woke up this morning" and "I went to bed last night" and that kind of stuff. I noticed in one song he mentioned seeing Jesus and the Devil walking down a road together, which seemed like an unusual thing for a Buddhist lama to be singing about. But it's an acceptable use of symbolism. One song they played turns out to be called "Talk To My Ass," but the lyrics never say that as far as I can tell. Another one was called "Alligator Ass" because of the punchline at the end where he says he ordered some chicken but they gave him alligator ass. The bastards.
Every song or two a guy would come out and hand Seagal a different guitar. One of them had a snakeskin strap that looked like it had part of the head still on there. Despite that, Seagal's presence was serious and humble, mostly expressionless but occasionally he would look at his bandmates and break into a wide, boyish smile. Some of the crowd were yelling things like "UNDER SIEGE!" but instead of getting mad he smiled and nodded and a couple times shook people's hands. There was very little between songs banter (I would've liked a speech on alternative fuel resources) but he did go around and introduce the band, telling where they were from, what they did (this guy tours with Alicia Keys, this guy plays with "everyone from the Rolling Stone on down"), and invariably describing them as "amazing." Bernard Allison for example is "The son of an amazing blues legend, and he himself is an amazing... blues legend." After he'd introduced everybody in detail, almost as an afterthought he said, "Oh, and I'm Steven Seagal," and the band busted immediately into the next song as the crowd went nuts again. Because it's true, he was Steven Seagal.
The show was pretty short, just about an hour before the encore. But at least they didn't wear out their welcome. The last song before the encore was "Feet Don't Fail Me Now," which he doesn't have on the CD. I think it's a traditional zydeco song, but they played it as funk, even throwing in a little "Fire!" from the Ohio Players. Now, I don't know blues but I do know a thing or two about funk. I've seen James Brown a couple times, I've seen Parliament-Funkadelic, I've seen the other Parliament where they don't have George Clinton but they have all the other original members. I've seen the Meters (without Zigaboo unfortunately), I've seen War. One time I saw the original JBs opening for James Brown - Bootsy, Fred Wesley and everybody. I saw Herbie Hancock's reunion with the original Headhunters. I even saw Dolemite once. I've also seen shitty funk bands and you can tell when it's bad. You do it wrong and it's cheesy as hell. And you have to be tight or it doesn't seem funky. Funk to me is what X-Men is to nerds, so believe me when I say that this was scorchin. The Hammond somehow sounded like a funky ass horn section, but distorted like a dusty old record from a low budget session. I couldn't fuckin believe what I was experiencing here. The crowd was dancing. The band was burning up. And Steven Seagal was standing there in his orange shirt wailing away. What the fuck is this, is this a dream or is this real life? Did my love for OUT FOR JUSTICE and old school funk seriously just intersect right before my eyes?
I'm not lying people, this was one of the most amazing things I've seen in my life. It was a genuinely entertaining concert, and every song got an explosive applause from the audience. There was never a point where the appreciation, or the novelty, or whatever you think it was, seemed to be wearing thin. Some of those crazy women were yelling "I love you Steven!" and dudes were yelling things about his movies, but with few exceptions I got the feeling these were sincere fans. Alot of them knew that it was funny what they were seeing but they were genuinely appreciative of Seagal. Now that I think of it it's kind of a relief because these are the people I'm trying to write Seagalogy for. Now I know there are lots of them.
Now don't get me wrong, if this great band had had some "amazing blues legend" as the leader instead of an aikido instructor turned movie star turned lama turned bluesman, you would've had some more all-around technically proficient and authentic blues. But it might not have been as good. Because the sight of a genuinely awesome band fronted by the guy from BELLY OF THE BEAST is surreal and beautiful. A once in a lifetime dream. I had that constant "this is too good to be true" feeling pretty much from start to finish.
As "Feet Don't Fail Me Now" was ending, Seagal left the stage, followed by the band, and the crowd chanted, "RYBACK! RYBACK! RYBACK!" until they came back for one more. After the encore, everybody had huge smiles threatening to break off of their faces. Most people were in too much of a daze to leave. Some people crowded at the corner of the stage hoping to catch another glimpse of Seagal. Sure enough he came out and shook some hands. Suddenly it threatened to turn into mayhem as people rushed the corner trying to get a piece of the action. After a few minutes Seagal climbed on stage and tried to find a live mic.
Holy shit, I thought. Is he gonna do it? Is he gonna make the speech from the end of ON DEADLY GROUND? Or maybe the sermon from FIRE DOWN BELOW? Is he gonna take questions? Instead he said that he was going to find a place to sign things and "spend some time with you." This, of course, resulted in a burst of Beatlemania-esque hysteria.
Eventually Seagal was seated behind a little table and everyone tried to crush each other to get to him. This was when you really got a feel for the type of fandom you had attending the show. There were definitely obsessed women, including two feisty plus-sized ladies who had managed to score a sweaty hand towel Seagal had used. They explained that it was the one he used when he lifted up his ponytail and wiped the sweat off the back of his neck. They were honorable though so they found a man with a pocket-knife to cut it in half so they could each have a piece. There were plenty of admiring middle aged women who were not crazy, and some of them decided that an autograph was not worth being crushed and just left. Another one kept saying she was going to touch his hair.
I guess I'm not as much of a superfan as you'd think, because I didn't bring a DVD to autograph or a camera. But I was amazed at the memorabilia that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Posters, huge blow up glossies, laser discs of OUT FOR JUSTICE and UNDER SIEGE. Some young Seagalogists were obviously amused by the whole thing but I was happy that they weren't just being ironic. I heard discussions of INTO THE SUN and how PRINCE OF PISTOLS is gonna be about the blues. People were calling their friends to brag that they were ten feet away from Steven Seagal. "Oh my god, I can't believe it, that's Casey Ryback right there." There was a real camaraderie here. Strangers crammed together, talking about their favorite Seagal movies, making jokes about the titles. Somehow word had spread throughout the neighborhood, so some kids were gathering outside begging to get in, but they didn't have IDs.
Watching Seagal sign was almost as good as watching him play. He spoke quietly so you couldn't tell what he was saying to people. But he would put on these little reading glasses (perhaps the same ones he uses to examine antique samurai swords for museums) and then he'd take them off to pose for pictures with people. For every picture he would assume his dead-eyed badass face. No smile at all. I saw people posing for what must've been some hilarious pictures - groups of college kids with gigantic smiles surrounding Seagal with the look of a stone cold killer on his face. (If any of these show up on the internet here let me know and I'll link to them.)
Now, I haven't met too many famous people or gotten too many books signed or anything, but when it happens I got a rule. Don't assume you are the one cool guy who can relate to your hero and ask a question he hasn't heard a million times before. Just be polite, say thank you or whatever. Make it simple. So when I got up to the front I just shook the man's hand and said "Thank you very much, I'm a huge fan, it was a wonderful show." Usually I'd probaly just say "thank you" but how often are you gonna meet Steven fucking Seagal? So I splurged and threw in that extra "wonderful" part.I didn't feel like I made a personal connection with the man. Not that he was unfriendly, but he's been sitting there signing autographs for a bunch of crazy people, not sure who's sincere and who's gonna try to sell it on ebay. You can't blame him for not seeming like he's your best friend. I can't even remember what he said back to me. I was probaly too busy wondering how the hell I was standing there shaking Steven Seagal's hand to actually experience the moment.
As I walked away from the tavern I just started laughing at my luck. I've done well with this hand. It's worked out pretty good for typing, it's flipped off Dick Cheney to his face, and it's shaken Steven Seagal's hand. If I ever get horribly maimed, now I got another reason to hope it happens on the left side.
Some kind of jug band was playing on the sidewalk next to a hot dog stand. Other people were floating to their cars or bus stops powered by post-Seagal highs. That movie didn't lie, life is beautiful. The problems of the world might go away if everybody could get a chance to see Steven Seagal with a flying-V. I figure no matter how down in the dumps you are, try to always live your life as if you might shake Steven Seagal's hand later that night. Because who knows, you might.
As I got further away I began to run into people from the outside world, people who may not have even been aware that the star of THE GLIMMER MAN was sitting in a tavern nearby. And everybody I passed I had to fight the urge to say, "Excuse me, I just shook Steven Seagal's hand."
Nah, they wouldn't understand. It's something you have to live.
--VERN
Dear Mel Gibson,
You fucked up, dude. First you let MAD MAX 4 slide away from our grasp, now this whole "I hate Jews when I'm drunk" business. So here's what you do now, Mel. There is one and only one way you can have a shot at fixing this: a documentary.
You already took the first step that I was gonna suggest, you are making arrangements to meet with leaders of the Jewish community to be scolded and hopefully learn some things. You will definitely be spending some time at the Holocaust museum, my friend. Probaly less than you deserve. But what I'm telling you is, you're gonna have to film some of these meetings.
Like it or not, you are in the public eye (see your crazy movie PAPARAZZI for more info). Everybody knows you are a fuckin anti-Semite nutbag now, so if you're gonna be Mel Gibson the Huge Movie Star again you need to convince us that we can trust you again. That's why you're gonna make this documentary about your journey from "crazy drunk guy who hates Jews" to the new, down-with-the-Jews Mel Gibson of the future.
The actual details of the documentary are up to you. The important things are
1. It is honest and probaly humilating to you
2. It shows you genuinely transforming yourself
3. ALL of the profits go to the Simon Wiesenthal Center or the Jewish Defense League or something like that so nobody gets on you about cashing in on your drunken bigotryand most importantly
4. Your dad has to be in there
That's right, your crazy, holocaust-denying dad. I know it's tough, I know it's embarassing, I know you're gonna have a hard time convincing him to do it, but that loony motherfucker has got to be in the movie. When people see your dad, they will understand where this comes from. And they will have to see you talking to your dad, arguing with him, trying to convince him of why what he's saying is wrong. Maybe even confront him about what he's done to your life by teaching you this bullshit.
That way if the movie doesn't save your career, at least people will get a kick out of seeing that lunatic on film. That could be some funny shit. You should tell him about the Holocaust mini-series you were developing for ABC (that just got cancelled) and see what he says.
(Also when this is all said and done please arrange for Samuel Fuller's WHITE DOG to be released on DVD and then you can do an interview on there where you talk about the idea of whether bigotry can be unlearned or not.)
I hope you don't call it THE PASSION OF MEL GIBSON or MAD MEL or anything corny like that. You know my tastes, you know I'd prefer a Maysles Brothers approach, just showing what happens, not sticking interviews or narration in there. But this is gonna have to be a personal story so if you want to narrate the thing and talk about your journey, that would work.
This won't necessarily work. But it might. For it to work it has to be honest, and it has to show you genuinely learning. It has to show you talking to authentic, real life Jews about the way you were raised. You have to be open about the ugly things you have done or said or thought, and let these people be frank with you about how they feel about it. If you can't actually learn anything then it's a moot point, but if we can see the spark of recognition in your eyes, and if you are able to eventually win these people over on camera, then we might trust you again. Then every once in a while somebody will say, "Oh great, now they got Mad Max 4 coming out. Good ol' Jew-hating Mel Gibson." And everybody else will say, "What are you talking about? Didn't you see that documentary? Give the guy a break."
Now, I understand you are some kind of Academy Award winning director. Well, I don't really know if you're any good because I only watch you in MAD MAX or PAYBACK. Sorry. But this would be a good idea for your next directorial work. However, there is another thing you could try that might be even better. Go rent the movie PROTOCOLS OF ZION. It's a documentary by Marc Levin, who also did SLAM. It's not his best movie but it's got some interesting stuff in there about crazy anti-Semitic shit going down after 9-11. That would be the perfect guy to direct this movie because he knows how to make a good documentary, he is very familiar with the subject matter, and he would be able to call bullshit on you and get in your face if necessary. So people won't be able to dismiss the movie as self-serving PR.
Keep this in mind, Mel. Nobody really wants to see a LETHAL WEAPON 5. And we sure as shit don't need WHAT GIRLS WANT EPISODE 2. We had pretty much given up on MAD MAX 4 ever happening, and we don't need you for PAYBACK 2 because the second book is THE MAN WITH THE GETAWAY FACE where Parker has gotten plastic surgery to hide from the Outfit. So after APOCALYPTO comes out, we really don't need you anymore. You need us, we don't need you. So if you still want to make movies, like ones that are released in actual theaters and not just distributed on some neo-nazi web sight, you should consider my plan. I ask nothing in exchange, although a thank you on the credits would be flattering.
One other thing, Mel. Good job on the mug shot. You got a weird smiling-Tom-Delay meets intoxicated-Superman thing going. But if I may humble you even more than you already have been, I want to present an alternate scenario. What if you still had that crazy Saddam Hussein beard? Better yet, what if you had not yet publicly revealed the beard, and then BAM!, the mug shot comes out and you have the beard?
I mean think about it, that would've been incredible. You would've had a true shot at unseating, or at least being on a level playing field with, the current all time champion of the mug shot, Mr. Nick Nolte.
I know, coulda woulda shoulda and whatever elsa. But you know how I am, I strive for excellence, so I thought you might appreciate some constructive criticism on that one.
anyway thanks Mel. Let's get this done. Maybe by the time you've saved your career there will be some country in the world where it would be safe to film MAD MAX 4. Let's think positive.
thanks Mel,
-VERN
p.s. You know what would've been weird would be to be that cop. He pulls you over and he thinks "Holy shit, this is Mel Gibson." That's gotta be surreal enough, then you start yelling shit at him about Jews for no reason. And he probaly heard about all that PASSION OF THE CHRIST stuff, everybody debates about whether or not you hate Jews and all the sudden he is privy to the information that yes, I am pretty damn sure that Mel Gibson hates Jews. That's a crazy turn of events during the night shift. He must've been pinching himself.
VERN'S PEACE INITIATIVE
As if the whole world wasn't going to shit already, now we got this war going on between Israel and Hezbollah in Syria. Or according to some people, between the US via Israel and Iran via Syria via Hezbollah in Lebanon or I don't know. Whatever the fuck is going on over there, it's not good. People are dying every day and it seems like this could be just the humble beginnings of this latest phase of the world's biggest mess.
In the old days, like, say, seven years ago, what we would do is the President would make some phone calls, send some diplomats, try to figure out how to get those assholes over there to chill the fuck out. "Come on guys, it's not worth it." Like when your buddy's had a few too many drinks and starts getting in a guy's face in an argument over a girl or a shoe or a slice of pizza or something. You gotta give your buddy some perspective before things get ugly.
Well, Bush is too busy clearing brush or dumping out stem cells or something. You know how he is, if the world is teetering on the precipice then you bet your ass that asshole's on vacation. I heard he's supposed to be reading Camus's The Stranger on his vacation, which is interesting. Future embarassing off the cuff remark: "Well it's interesting, in existentialism it says I can kill an Arab."Anyway, the point is he's not gonna do shit. Therefore, I feel it is my duty as an American to step up and set a positive example for our brothers and sisters around the world.
Now, I know you have plenty of reasons to hate each other. The other side kidnapped some of your soldiers, or arrested a whole bunch of people, or blew up your house, or hate your religion, or stole your land, etc. I'm not saying you don't have cause to be angry. But what you gotta understand is, this shit goes back hundreds of years. So far, blowing shit up has not helped in any way. Maybe, perhaps, it is worth considering that blowing shit up only ever makes it worse, and you gotta stop.
So here's what I'm gonna do to help. I am not a soldier, I cannot offer a military solution. I am not a politician, I cannot offer a political solution. I am an outlaw film Writer, I Write about films. So I will work within my particular medium. Within my medium, I also have an enemy. You know how you guys feel about the other side of this conflict? That's kind of how I feel about Michael Bay.
Michael Bay has not committed crimes against my people, but he has committed crimes against my action movies. More than any other person he is responsible for the destruction of the filmatic language. What was once a genre that pulled you in and put you in the shoes (or cut up bare feet) of its hero, now distances you and whacks you over the head with a giant dick made out of strobe-light edits, whooshy camera spins and indecipherable action spectacle. He took Bruce Willis, the star of the greatest action movie of all time (DIE HARD), and put him in ARMAGEDDON, one of the most retarded big budget movies I've ever seen. He took the trademarks of one of our greatest action auteurs, John Woo (the slow motion hero strolls, the double pistols, the melodrama) and chopped them up into snack sized fast food bites, turning them into American cliches that people would later ridicule Woo for. His movies are idiotic, their values are vile, and worst of all they're completely boring to me. Even in his early, not as retarded movies like THE ROCK and BAD BOYS, the filmatics of the action scenes make them completely uninvolving and confusing for a guy like me to watch.
Once Bay had had his way with my beloved genre, the motherfucker bought up the rights to my favorite horror movie, THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, and hired a crazy German video director who had been fired from END OF DAYS to do a shitty remake. To get me more worked up, he went to the press and started making statements that made it clear he had never seen the original movie and had no idea what it was all about. Talking about how the new one would be less gorey and ignorant shit like that. Just trying to work me up. Trying to psyche me out.
What I'm saying is I hate this motherfucker. I HATE this motherfucker. After ARMAGEDDON, I called it quits on the shit he directs. Sometimes I'll go see a movie I don't think I'm gonna like. And obviously I believe in giving people a second chance. But Michael Bay, in my opinion, as well as in scientific fact, is not curable. It's just not worth it. If it says "Michael Bay," I must stay away. So I didn't watch PEARL HARBOR, didn't watch BAD BOYS 2, didn't watch THE ISLAND, didn't feel like I was missing out.
But today, in the name of world peace, universal brotherhood, understanding and giving each other high fives as well as down low, etc., I am prepared to make concessions, sacrifices and compromises. I am striving for excellence in the area of peace. I can't just blow up Michael Bay, especially since he would set up a camera that would rotate around the explosion and cut to a closeup of sweat dripping down Josh Hartnett's shoulders reflected off the back of a Lamborghini made out of cocaine and it would be unclear whether he was in the explosion or not and I would just be confused so it wouldn't be worth it. So I decided instead to do something I never thought about doing before... I watched BAD BOYS 2.
I gotta be honest, I don't remember a god damn thing about BAD BOYS PART 1 except that there was Sergeant Whatsisdick and Detective Whoevertheguyiscalled and they kept saying things like "Hello we're negros" while fighting diamond thieves or kidnappers or somebody. I don't think it was as offensive to my sensibilities as ARMAGEDDON, but it was more forgettable. The jokes weren't funny except for the one about how you were supposed to accept these two skinny jokers from TV sitcoms as tough guy cops. I've actually never heard of anybody who liked BAD BOYS 1. I know Will Smith was in it and he's popular. But they didn't make MADE IN AMERICA 2 or even INDEPENDENCE DAY 2, so you just don't expect this. And honestly you'd think America would have safeguards in place to prevent this kind of thing from happening.
But I know people who enjoyed BAD BOYS 2. I had heard legends about some of the crazy shit in the movie. Michael Bay actually put his director's credit over a shot of a burning cross, no joke. There's a chase scene where cadavers fall out of the back of a truck and bounce around the freeway getting crushed and beheaded by cars. It's the first movie with the balls/poor taste to mention 9-11, and has a scene where the heroes drive a yellow Hummer over about a hundred hovels in Cuba. They call them "drug dealer shacks" so that we know they are all for sure evil and we don't have to feel bad about it, and I am positive that none of this was intended as an ironic commentary on our foreign policy or attitudes toward the world. At least as far as Michael Bay knew. (One of the many writers who had his way with the script [think WORLD'S BIGGEST GANG BANG] was Jerry Stahl, the Permanent Midnight/ALF guy, so who knows.)
There are other evil Michael Bay touches for the Bush era. The Bad Boys are supposed to be cool and rebellious because they bribe a guy to help them do a "highly illegal" wiretap. There are also some attempted laughs about drug dealer Klansmen always saying, "I have my rights!" Ha ha, what a whiner, thinks there's supposed to be civil rights in this country. Only a drug dealing Klansmen would believe in civil rights. Also, Will Smith's character drives a Ferrari, because Michael Bay is obsessed with rich man toys that no ordinary human being would have a chance of owning. In MIAMI VICE they drive a Ferrari because they're undercover as drug dealers and they confiscated it from a real drug dealer. In BAD BOYS they drive a Ferrari because Michael Bay has the mentality of a 12 year old boy. (He also has a cameo driving a crappy car. Ha ha, it's funny because Michael Bay would never drive that car. Michael Bay only drives cars that cost more than your house and ten years worth of food and electricity.)
One of my associates informs me that Will Smith's character was supposed to have inherited a bunch of money in the first movie, that is supposed to be how he affords the dick lengthening vehicle. Which sort of blows my theory that he is supposed to be taking bribes and selling dope from the evidence locker. At any rate, I'm not sure how he can keep tailing people in that thing. It's not exactly inconspicuous.
The movie ends with Will Smith and Gabrielle Union making out at Gitmo. I felt like an unlawful combatant watching this shit.
So I watched this shit and in the spirit of understanding I hoped maybe to get into the crazy, over-the-top spirit of the movie. In concept, I liked the black humor of them having to search a bunch of dead bodies for hidden drugs. There were some giant explosions here and there, including one caused by a remote controlled car. In the car chases, there's definitely some spectacle with cars flipping around and flying through the air although just like all of Bay's movies, I just couldn't get involved in it no matter how hard I tried, because the whole approach to shooting and editing pulls me out of it.
The editing actually isn't as bad as ARMAGEDDON, though. For the first ten or fifteen minutes I thought it might kill me because of that Michael-Bay-strobe-light-editing where literally no shot lasts for more than 4 seconds and is usually between 2 and 3. So you get this bump-bump-bump-bump-rhythm where you can never solidly focus on anything and you just feel like the guy is trying to murder your eyeballs. But at some point either I got used to it or it started to calm down a little to the point where it wasn't as distracting. Which is helpful.
What surprised me is that even though this is a terrible movie, it's not a terrible movie in the same way I thought it would be. What I didn't expect, somehow, is that this is a really bad comedy. Maybe if they cut out an hour and treated it seriously you could enjoy it like THE TRANSPORTER 2 or something, but the emphasis of the movie is not on action as much as it is on horrible, painful, inexcusable comedy. There's almost no point in criticizing it as an action movie because most of it is all about these two whiny bitches bickering.
The story is mainly about the relationship between Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and how Martin wants to break up. Will is sad but he decides to accept it. Then they bond by doing a wacky comedy skit that involves pointing a loaded gun at Martin's daughter's boyfriend. Then he quotes what Martin wrote in his high school year book ("Bad Boys for life") and they make up. But the thing is, there is no fucking way Will would want to be around this guy. There is no person on earth who would want to be around this guy. He's supposed to be a cop, but during every action scene he runs around like a coward whining and begging for his life and dancing around like a minstrel. I forget his character's name but I think it's Detective Stephen Fetchit. During the first shootout he announces "It's the negras!" He's afraid of rats, they make him scream and cry. The dead bodies make him puke and cry. When he has a gun pointed at his head he cries and gives up. When he's in a car chase, he cries and gives up. I'm surprised they didn't find a place for him to be scared of a ghost. If he's not crying or running like a coward he's yelling things like "Shit is crazy!" during a shootout so you remember the movie is supposed to be "fun."
These clowns make Anthony Anderson and Tom Arnold in all those Andrjez Bartkowiak movies seem like the fuckin Marx Brothers.You know how Will Smith has his "serious voice" and his "I'm trying to be funny now" voice when he starts busting out the slang? Both Will and Martin use the "I'm trying to be funny now" voice for most of the movie. Most of their dialogue seems improvised and it seems like everybody involved must've thought they had struck gold. But scene after scene has that embarrassing, uncomfortable feel of a bombing Saturday Night Live skit. There is this one "joke" about how Martin doesn't know that Will is seeing his sister. Will is supposed to tell Martin but is scared he'll disapprove (what's he gonna do, cry and bitch some more?) so he keeps stumbling on his words and lying. They do this same joke over and over again throughout the movie, as if they thought it was hilarious the first time and can only grow in its power the more they do it.
Then there's the joke about how the pool breaks and water goes everywhere. Craziness! This could've happened in that movie where Malcolm in the Middle painted Paul Giamatti blue, but Michael Bay wanted in on some of that action. And then he was so happy with the results that he did it again at the end of the movie.
And of course there's the "Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do" song. In the first BAD BOYS they sang that song from the show COPS. COPS came on the air in 1989, so this was a six year old reference. Even Leslie Nielsen wouldn't have touched that shit, but they did it. Somebody somewhere said, "You know what, it's named after the song from COPS. So people are gonna expect them to sing the song from COPS." So they put it in there. Then BAD BOYS 2 comes along in 2003. And somebody said, "You know what, it's a thirteen year old reference, it wouldn't be funny even if it was current, it was just one of many bad decisions we made in the first one, but you know what? It was in the first one. People are gonna expect them to redo the same thing they did in the first one, if there is anyone who remembers that we made a first one." So they had them sing it again. And then they were shooting the end of the movie and they said, "You know what, we did it in the beginning of the movie. People are gonna expect us to redo what we did in the beginning of the movie in the end of the movie." So they fucking did it again, they sang it twice in this movie alone. That is the kind of quality control we're talking here, they let that get in there twice.
Probaly the worst scene in the entire movie is the Circuit City scene, which makes no sense on about 25 different levels. The Bad Boys have found a drug dealer's video camera, but it has a bullet hole in it so they can't just play what's on it. They have to bring it to a young salesman at Circuit City. Being an electronics expert, he is able to plug it in and that I guess magically repairs the bullet hole in a way that the Bad Boys could never have done on their own. But he accidentally plays the tape on every TV in the store. So of course the tape has footage of Will Smith (off camera) screwing Martin's sister and everyone in the store thinks it's porn. So then there is mayhem and outrageousness and Martin and Will retreat to another room inside the store. For reasons maybe explained in part 1, the tvs throughout the store now switch to a camera in this room and broadcast a conversation that out of context sounds like they're talking about buttfucking each other. And this goes on for a long time while everybody in the store is shocked. I was disappointed that nobody fainted or spit out a drink.
Get it though? Fags. Ha ha.
I thought I sort of understood why some people liked this movie, but now that I've seen it I'm completely befuddled. This is like a David Spade movie that costs $130 million and has cars flying all over the place and blowing up. Even if you have one of those brains that can translate the Michael Bay spazzovision into real filmatic language, I still don't understand how you could enjoy this shit. So what if it has big explosions if you gotta sit through two hours of painfully unfunny shtick to get there? This movie is fucking terrible.
But, you know, peace be with you. So as far as reaching out to my enemies, I would have to say that my viewing of BAD BOYS 2 was a failure. I don't have much nice to say about that one. After I saw it, I wasn't sure if I had achieved my goal of creating brothership and understanding around the world by watching this horrible, horrible movie. So as extra credit for peace, I decided to watch TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE, the cartoon movie that Bay is currently turning into his next horrible, horrible movie.
TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE tells the story of The Transformers, a race of robots from the metal space planet of Cybertron. Like humans, the Transformers robots are bitterly divided into two groups, Autobots and Republicans. The Republicans control Cybertron, much like they control the White House, the congress and the courts here. They have forced the Autobots to move to the space moon where they are planning some kind of rebellion.
One thing I should mention is that the Transformers have the power to "transform" into a car, plane, or appliance. It's similar to how a hide-a-bed transforms from a couch to a bed. Transformers can also fly so there is no reason why they should ever turn into a car or plane, unless they are trying to impress Michael Bay, because he gets a boner for that shit. The cars are pretty good cars though because in one part they can drive underwater and fight robotic piranhas and sharks from space.
The Autobots are planning some kind of big something or other, but a robotic bird finds out so he tells Maggotron, the head of the Republican party and also a member of the NRA I believe, since he transforms from a huge evil robot to a small handgun that you could fit in the back of your pants. So the Republicans attack the Autobot moon and they all battle the shit out of each other.
The leader of the Autobots is Optimus Prime, who turns into a red semi-truck and talks like John Wayne. He says some kind of dramatic deal about stopping the Republican agenda "no matter the cost," in other words he's gonna die heroically and it's gonna be awesome. Sure enough after some punching and guns, Optimus gets cracked and he dies peacefully surrounded by his loved ones including Microscope Robot and Girl Robot. As he dies he turns black and grey and his chest opens up so he can pass on the glowing "matrix of leadership" to some other dude.
But the Republicans are in bad shape too (see that? the endless circle of violence) so they retreat on a robot that turns into a train that turns into a space shuttle. Maggotron is dying, so everybody fights over who should take his place, kind of like when Alexander Haig tried to say he was in charge after Reagan got shot. The robotrainshuttle is damaged though and Republicans don't believe in social programs, so they just toss the smaller or sicker robots, including Maggotron, out the side door. Sorry, suckers. Cybertron is not for socialists.
MEANWHILE, IN SPACE, there is yet another metal planet, this one called Unicron. If they just switched two letters and made it Unicorn then alot more girls would like this movie, but I guess they weren't going for box office, they were staying true to the original vision of the executives who came up with the idea of toy cars that turn into robots. Anyway, the Unicron planet has a big octopus type mouth on it and is alive and it likes to eat other planets. It's played by Orson Welles (CITIZEN KANE) and in my opinion it's kind of an asshole thing to do to cast a guy as a planet just because he's fatter than he used to be when he was young. Maggotron floats into Unicron so Unicron makes a deal with him, he gives him a new body and Leonard Nimoy's voice and sends him to crush "the matrix of leadership" so that nobody can stop him from doing whatever it is that evil planets like to do.
There was one part I thought was pretty funny, the new Republican majority leader Whiny Airplane is making everybody throw him a coronation party. But just as the crown goes on his metal head, the new Maggotron shows up. Whiny Airplane says, "Is that you, Maggotron?" and he says "Here's a hint, cocksucker" (or words to that effect) and transforms into a magic laser cannon. Then he shoots the airplane and the guy disintegrates into ashes. But here's the cool part. His crown falls to the ground and Maggotron steps on it and crushes it like a Dorito. This I would consider to be a definitive statement about the airplane's poor leadership.
Then I think there was a big battle or something, I can't remember what happened.
The universe of Transformers is kind of like CARS, everything is machines and you can't figure out who the fuck built these guys or how they reproduce. What would happen if girl robot got it on with robot bird? or is that gross? I'm not sure. Are the small robots considered pets to the big robots? Or are they just unique and beautiful, like snowflakes?
Unlike CARS though there are exactly two hunks of flesh in this movie. But both of them wear robo-suits and one of them even transforms into a car. He is kind of a poser in my opinion, why doesn't he just drive a car like a normal person. You gotta stay true to yourself, you don't have to copy somebody else's culture.I should note, by the way, that this has some of the worst '80s rock music you ever heard. It even has the song that Mark Wahlberg recorded in BOOGIE NIGHTS, "You Got the Touch." In that movie it seems like a really funny exaggeration of the type of music we had in the '80s, but it turns out it's a serious song from this particular movie, and it is talking about how Optimus Prime "has the touch" and is "a winner." There are lots of awkward montages set to bad rock music and one part where all the robots dance.
Now, if you watch this movie and carefully study it, after a while you will figure out who this movie is for: nerds. First of all, it's a cartoon. Second, it's about robots. You got all this fancy mythology and what not. And the characters are constantly talking about The Matrix. So it's definitely for nerds.
That's why The Transformers is exactly what Michael Bay deserves. Because no matter what he does, he's now cursed to be plagued by nerds from today until the day the coke does him in. If the movie makes nerds happy, he'll be their hero and they'll worship him like Peter Jackson or whoever, they'll follow him around and he won't be able to shake em. "Michael Bay, why can't you do the new Dungeons and Dragons movie. Michael Bay, why can't you do Halo. Michael Bay, come to my house and re-enact Monty Python skits with me." But in the more likely event that he shits all over their dreams and passions and makes them angry, they'll plague him in a worse way. And this is a guy accustomed to taking his Ferrari and doing donuts on a military base while two high priced hookers shoot coke into his balls (at least, that's my impression. I cannot prove this). He's not the type that's gonna have patience for these nerds.
It's so beautiful. It's like the bad guy from REVENGE OF THE NERDS having to referee a Magic: The Gathering tournament. I don't think he knew what he was signing up for. Much like the kids who he claimed, in an interview for Air Force Television, would sign up for the military because the movie is a good "recruitment tool."
But you know what, I'm trying to make peace here, so my heart goes out to Michael Bay. Even though you're horrible, I hope you can keep them off your property. And I can see why the guy wanted to do this movie. It's very personal to him, because it has cars in it instead of people. He can relate to cars more than people, they think the same. Ever since his senior thesis film which was apparently about frat boys driving around really fast in a yellow Porsche, he has related to cars more than people, and in interviews he has said that TRANSFORMERS is a personal story to him because it has a part where a kid buys his first car. This is probaly the movie he was born to make, the one he could really knock out of the park. So instead he'll probaly make it more about people than robots and fuck the whole thing up.
I'm against BAD BOYS 2, I guess I'll say I'm neutral on TRANSFORMABLES. For that type of robot/car cartoon movie, I guess it is probaly pretty decent, as far as those go. But please understand that I made an effort. I reached out. We're all grown ups here, that's what we do.Israelis, Hezbollahs, Americans, Iraqis, unlawful combatants, transformers, and everybody else out there with a gun or a bomb: please learn a lesson from this. It's time we all got together and said "what the hell, the world is big enough for all of us assholes." We gotta be less stubborn and more humble and acknowledge that co-existing with somebody you don't like isn't the end of the world. BAD BOYS 2 may be shit, but it's not the end of the world. Life goes on.
let's do this everybody,
--VERN