Hey guys my name is vern
I am a Writer who is trying to go clean after a life of crime, alcohol, etc.

This web sight is where i will share my Writings, thoughts etc.



4/28/09 Due to my laziness I'm gonna stop updating this part. This is just an archive until everything gets transferred over to the new spot at www.outlawvern.com.

4/22/09 FROST/NIXON also came out on DVD yesterday, so I figured I would dig out my unfinished review from when I saw it on the big screen and polish that up.

4/21/09 NOTORIOUS, the biopic of the late rapper Christopher "Notorious (Biggie Smalls) B.I.G." Wallace comes out on DVD today.

4/20/09 Thanks to David M. in France I got a review of Jim Brown's take on Richard Stark's Parker character, one that's never even been on VHS let alone DVD. It's called THE SPLIT.

4/18/09 Yesterday was Roddy Piper's birthday. I'm celebrating late with the Piper/Billy Blanks picture from 1993, BACK IN ACTION.

4/15/09 Continung my Brian Trenchard-Smith series I got a stuntmen double feature, DEATH CHEATERS and STUNT ROCK.

4/13/09 A while back I was catching up on some of the early Schwarzenegger, but then I forgot to polish up one of the reviews I was working on. Until now. Ladies and gentlemen, RAW DEAL.

4/12/09 continued Also, I'm sure you guys have all seen this one: THE STORY OF RICKY. If not it's about this guy named Ricky. Hard to explain, but it's some crazy shit.

4/12/09 Well shit, where was I before the internet troubles? Oh yeah, the films of Brian Trenchard-Smith. One of his earliest is an urban kung fu piece called THE MAN FROM HONG KONG.

4/11/09 R.I.P. www.geocities.com/outawvern

As you all know, I've been on Geocities since 1999. Over those almost ten years I've been ridiculed, interventioned and etc. by people who didn't understand why I didn't move to a grownup type websight with my own domain, like they would have in the 21st century. I always resisted because it made me laugh to see how shocked people were that Geocities still existed and that somebody would purposely still use it, and not be ashamed to put that URL in their highly acclaimed film book. It became kind of a test to see if people could see the substance of what I was writing about or if they would just ignore it because of the unprofessional surface. You all passed the test, good job everybody.

But for several days the Geocities page has been inaccessible, giving an "error 999" message. I tried to contact them over and over again and got the same useless form letter ten times before a lame threat to leave Geocities finally got a personalized response, which told me that actually it was running fine and I just wasn't seeing it and should contact my ISP. But I did not have time to also contact the ISPs of the other computers I tried, the numerous people who emailed me about it or the Ain't It Cool talkbackers I saw wondering if I was dead. I guess we should all scan our computers for spyware too, that could be the problem. Or maybe we should go to the Geocities help center and borrow their computers, theirs are apparently working.

So, fuck it, joke's over, I will have a dot com now. Thank you to all the people over the years whose generous free hosting offers I turned down, and especially to Chris R. who actually registered the domain for me last summer. His kind act made going into exile a snap.

Anyway glad you found me here and please change links accordingly. Also, as long as I've made this change I've decided when I have time months from now I'm gonna try switching to a new blog-like interface. I won't change what I'm doing here much but just make it more searchable and less crappy. So if anybody hates that idea or has any special requests let me know, outlawvern at hotmail dot com.

4/8/09 Sorry, not sure why this one took me so long, but you know I have to review FAST AND FURIOUS.

4/4/09 R.I.P. Lou Perryman

Some terrible, fucked up news. Lou Perryman, who played Stretch's faithful hick sidekick L.G. in TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2 died Thursday, murdered by some random scumbag. I feel a little weird because he died under such horrible circumstances and I only know who he is because of the spectacular way he was killed in the movie. But he wasn't a horror guy - he just ended up in that one and POLTERGEIST because he worked with Tobe Hooper (he was assistant cameraman on the original TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE).

I actually met Perryman just last year at a small horror convention. I don't usually go to those type of things but this one lured me in with the promise of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and three of the stars of CHAINSAW 2. And you know how obsessed I am with that movie. I've mentioned before that I don't really like talking to my movie heroes, because I don't want to try to be the guy who comes up with the one really interesting question or cool thing to say. Usually it's a hopeless endeavor. But I did actually talk to Lou Perryman for a minute and told him I was a big fan of Chainsaw 2. He was polite. Then I mentioned that I had seen him in this excellent low budget independent Austin movie called LAST NIGHT AT THE ALAMO. I wasn't trying to show off or anything but I really liked the movie, and clearly so did he. His eyes lit up instantly, he offered his hand and asked "What is your name?" He talked enthusiastically about a DVD release of the other movie he did with the same director, THE WHOLE SHOOTIN' MATCH, which is now available. (I haven't seen it yet, but Roger Ebert says it's great, an endorsement Perryman was happy to repeat.)

So it was just a brief encounter, but he seemed like a really nice guy and a funny good ol' boy just like he played in movies, mostly obscure independent Texas stuff but occasionally something like BOYS DON'T CRY. (And apparently he's "man in bar" in THE BLUES BROTHERS, but I haven't found him in there yet.)

It's too fuckin bad, man. I hate it when shit like this happens. Sorry Lou, it shouldn't have happened like that. You will be missed.

4/3/09 Just found out about a good Australian post-apocalypse type movie, DEAD END DRIVE-IN.

3/31/09 Will Smith's SEVEN POUNDS comes out on DVD today - a weird fuckin movie and I gotta admit I thought it was a good one.

3/24/09 You know what I thought was surprisingly good? NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D. starring David Hasselhoff.

3/21/09 continued A quick heads up about a good Hong Kong movie on DVD now, IP MAN starring BLADE 2's Donnie Yen.

3/21/09 Van Damme. Sorvino. Rochon. Schneider. KNOCK OFF is one of those movies I always mention but never actually reviewed. Until now.

3/17/09 Sorry, had to go out of town for a while. But I have returned with a new discovery for me, Fred Olen Ray's 2000 wrestling documentary SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT. Also if you missed it I reviewed and actually kind of liked that latest remake of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT.

3/6/09 Today it's an aquatic soldier showdown: Biehn and Sheen in NAVY SEALS vs. Isaac Florentine's U.S. SEALS II.

Today in DTV research: word is that THE CURSE II was retitled as a sequel but not originally intended as one. I think that disqualifies it, so the question is back up in the air.

3/5/09 By request from BW (not Bruce Willis as far as I know) I watched a little known James-Remar-vs.-pot-growers picture called QUIET COOL.

DTV research update: the earliest verifiable example so far of a video-premiere sequel to a theatrical movie is CURSE II: THE BITE released June 27, 1989. But there was also a suggestion of DEATHSTALKER II which came out in '87, but IMDb doesn't list release dates and I suspect it probaly played theaters somewhere in the world. If anybody can think of anything earlier or has more information let me know.

2/28/09 You know what else I hadn't seen in a while that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be? DARKMAN II: THE RETURN OF DURANT. You know what I'd never seen before that I actually liked? DARKMAN III: DIE DARKMAN DIE.

By the way, does anybody happen to know what the first DTV sequel was? I was hoping there would be some article somewhere about the history of DTV, or a list of DTV sequels, but I can't find anything.

2/27/09 You know what other '90s movie I hadn't seen in a while that held up really well? DARKMAN.

2/25/09 T. HAUER. BUSEY. McGINLEY. ABRAHAM. DUTTON. Wenatchee, Washington. These are the major players in Ernest Dickerson's SURVIVING THE GAME.

2/24/09 part 2 Mickey Rourke may not have won the Oscar, but he did get something even more precious: the honor of inspiring me to finally write a review of DOUBLE TEAM after mentioning it a million times over the years. Congratulations Mickey, you did it.

2/24/09 FROM THE VAULT! With all the discussion of the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake I haven't seen and new DVDs of the first three in the original series, I got to thinking about a project I never finished. Two Halloweens ago I re-watched the entire FRIDAY THE 13TH series and was writing reviews of each one. Unfortunately before I finished I came up with this stupid idea of writing one review that would treat the entire series as one long movie. That was a failure and I think I deleted that file and then abandoned the reviews I had been writing.

So unfortunately I didn't finish up with part 8 or get to my thoughts on JASON GOES TO HELL, but I figured I should put this unfinished piece up because it does a pretty good job of explaining something that's been coming up alot lately: why I love those early ones even though they're not on the level of a HALLOWEEN or a TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. I've seen alot of remake reviews saying that it doesn't matter that it (allegedly) sucks because the originals are no good either. I disagree, so consider this my rebuttal.

2/19/09 Okay, now I got the sequel: ANY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE. (And thanks for the Friday the 13th comments. Word in my inbox is 10 negative to 2 positive. That's 7% lower than on Rotten Tomatoes.)

2/13/09 Let's celebrate Friday the 13th not with bad luck, but with fist fights and apes. EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE. (sequel review soon)

By the way, I don't know if anybody's waiting for my take on the new FRIDAY THE 13TH but if you are I wanted to let you know I'll probaly wait until the DVD unless I can get a free pass somehow. I don't usually feel that bad about supporting this whole wave of remakes, but this particular company and director already made a mockery of my favorite horror movie, and they've been very open about their whole strategy: 1. Buy rights to famous movie title 2. Make list of everything that is good about original movie 3. Be absolutely sure not to include any of those things in dumb and joyless but shiny remake 4. Make tons of cash in opening weekend because teens recognize words used in title 5. Use profits to further ruin the world.

I'm not passing judgment on anybody who goes to see it or who likes those movies but I know if I buy a ticket I'll feel like a mouse consciously stepping onto a trap for a long shot at the cheese. Or a guy buying back his own stereo from the dudes who broke into his apartment. But feel free to email me your (light on spoilers) thoughts if you saw it and think it's worth discussing.

2/10/09 Chocolate is a delicious treat that may have been invented by the Aztecs. CHOCOLATE is a DVD coming out in the U.S. today that was invented in Thailand.

2/4/09 Okay, I know this movie is old news in the rest of the world, but we finally got TAKEN starring asskicking Liam Neeson.

1/29/09 I don't care who you are, when you think "the five best pictures of 2008" you will not think THE READER. Do you know what this movie is about? Holy shit. I'm gonna tell you. (warning: first sentence gives away every last thing that happens in the movie. This is not a test.)

1/27/09 For my first set of reviews in the Obama era I carefully (okay - accidentally) chose three genre movies that show different aspects of where President Obama is coming from and what he's up against:

SHAFT IN AFRICA represents the young Barry Obama who, while protesting South African apartheid, learned to respect his heritage and restore his given name.

APPALOOSA depicts the perverted justice system that Obama has set out to repair because "we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."

SOLDIER shows a futuristic example of a military force (in this case Kurt Russell) beginning to be used more wisely and ethically.

1/20/09 You know I had to jot down some thoughts for my first Obama-era VERN TELLS IT LIKE IT IS column. Hopefully it's not gibberish.

1/18/09 I finally got a review of THE WRESTLER. Long overdue. In the less noteworthy department I also have a review of MAX PAYNE, which comes to DVD and Blue-DVD this week. Also I just added my take on MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D.

1/17/09 I might be out in the wilderness on this one, but I was pleasantly surprised by DEATH RACE.

1/12/09 I got more reviews in the works but right now I just want to give a heads up that I'm gonna be retiring 5 ON THE OUTSIDE pretty soon. It was my 5 year anniversary book and it's coming up on its own 5 year anniversary, so I'm gonna take it out by the toolshed and sing it a lullaby. There should be a new and hopefully even better greatest hits collection coming along fairly soon but if you want to pick up my very first attempt at a book do it soon. Thanks everybody.

1/11/09 To get the taste of Zucker out of your mouth, here's a quick look at #2 in the John Shaft trilogy, SHAFT'S BIG SCORE.

1/11/09 Well, I'd rather not call this a review, but I got a discussion of David Zucker's right wing, uh, comedy AN AMERICAN CAROL.

By the way, the Rap Sheet blog has a nice tribute to Donald Westlake. Somehow I ended up one of the writers quoted in part 2 but ignore mine and check out what everybody else has to say.

The Rap Sheet: Nobody Runs Forever: A Last Good-bye to Donald E. Westlake, Part I

The Rap Sheet: Nobody Runs Forever: A Last Good-bye to Donald E. Westlake, Part II

1/6/09 I'm here to tell you that the Vin Diesel/Matthieu Kassovitz movie BABYLON A.D. is not nearly as bad as they say. In fact I would go so far as to say that I liked it.

1/3/09 One morning last week I went and paid five bucks to see THE SPIRIT. Look, I never said I was a role model.

1/1/09 I want to start off the new year the right way, so here is my long overdue review of the original SHAFT. But I also gotta bum you out because Donald Westlake, who under the name Richard Stark was one of my favorite writers, died last night. You can read my thoughts on that over at the Ain't It Cool.

12/31/08 Happy New Year everybody. That 2008 was a doozy, wasn't it? In 2009 I plan to continue my vow of excellence. My resolution this year will be to sharpen my deadly writing skills by trying out some of the ol' fiction. I will finish the novel I've been secretly working on forever and then I will write an action script like people often suggest I should do. Don't worry, I'm not asking you to like them. You can tell me if they suck. And they won't get in the way of my real mission. I have plenty of works of the criticism planned too.

Now for good luck let's welcome the new year in style by discussing Clint M.F. Eastwood's GRAN TORINO.

12/28/08 I don't think I've ever reviewed a script before, but if there's gonna be a first time it might as well be Stallone's THE EXPENDABLES. In other Dolph Lundgren coverage I got him versus Van Damme in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. I also wrote about GINGERDEAD MAN 2: THE PASSION OF THE CRUST. I wanted to review that one for Christmas time but the movie bummed me out so I decided not to post it until now.

12/22/08 Here's an obscure DTV for you: SPECIAL FORCES directed by Isaac Florentine.

12/21/08 The twelve days of Van Damme continues with a quick take on DEATH WARRANT. Also I recently reviewed the upcoming Seagal vs. vampires picture AGAINST THE DARK.

12/12/08 I saw a movie today, the good news it had Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh in it. The bad news is it was THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR.

12/7/08 Okay man, I got some real hard hitting reviews for you boys today. I got Ray Stevenson in the ultraviolent PUNISHER: WAR ZONE. I got Jean-Claude Van Damme in the very good underground fighting movie LIONHEART. And I got, um, well I've got Julie Andrews in, uh, in MARY POPPINS. Hahem.

12/2/08 Tired of all those other generic based on a true story underdog football stories? Ready for one starring Ice Cube and directed by the prick from Limp Biscuit? Well good news friend, THE LONGSHOTS comes out on DVD today.

12/1/08 Continuing my study of the early Van Damme pictures I explore starring vehicle #2 #4, KICKBOXER.

11/28/08 I'm a little late but I want to pay tribute to the late Rudy Ray Moore with a long overdue review of his first movie, DOLEMITE. But also I felt a little weird paying homage to a dude like that on the eve of our first black president, so for balance I decided to revisit MALCOLM X too. Pretty good double feature.

11/26/08 Okay, we had that whole horror detour for Halloween. I want to get back into some action movies now. On Ain't It Cool I recently reviewed the underwhelming TRANSPORTER PART 3 and the excellent J.C.V.D. And to celebrate that second one I also went and watched BLOODSPORT for the first time.

11/20/08 I finished all the Phantasms, but there's more Coscarelli where that came from so I decided to watch THE BEASTMASTER. Also, I forgot to link to this last week but I reviewed DANIEL CRAIG IS IAN FLEMING'S JAMES BOND 007 IN MARC FORSTER'S THE QUANTUM OF SOLACE.

11/7/08 Well, these kind of taste like Halloween leftovers, but here in Obama's America we accomplish what we set out to do, so I went ahead and finished reviewing the Phantasm series. I got PHANTASM III and PHANTASM OBLIVION.

11/6/08 You know what sounds cool? PRESIDENT OBAMA. Am I right, or am I right? PRESIDENT OBAMA. PRESIDENT OBAMA. I like saying it.

I promise I'll get back to the movies but honestly I can't think about movies right now, my mind is too occupied. I was gonna try to buy an American flag suit but apparently there's been a run on them, gotta get on a waiting list.

Anyway I'm sure you will not be surprised that I have a long and impassioned VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS with my thoughts about election night. Please enjoy, etc. And congratulations everybody.




10/31/08 Happy Halloween! (John Carpenter version.) Continuing with the Stephen King viewing I revisited PET SEMATARY. I've got a few more horror movies rented so there might be some Halloween spillover into November, but then we'll get into some blaxploitation, maybe some old gangster movies and some action and shit. You know the drill.

10/30/08 How 'bout a double dose of silver balls? PHANTASM and PHANTASM II.

10/29/08 Here's a horror picture you might not have heard of: WRESTLEMANIAC. It's about a, uh, maniac wrestler. And hopefully the ROAD GAMES link will work now too.

10/28/08 Before I get into some more horror movies I got a new release for you, that Quentin Tarantino presented biker movie HELL RIDE.

For our Halloween festivities let's take a look back at SCREAM and explore the amazing Australian thriller ROAD GAMES.

10/27/08 My October horrorama-thon is going better than usual, I've been able to watch alot of good ones, but I'm just having trouble keeping up with the reviews. So there's plenty more on deck but today I revisit the first three SLEEPAWAY CAMP pictures.

10/21/08 First of all, rest in peace to the one and only Rudy Ray Moore. The man who stuck his finger in the ground and spun the whole world around. I think his movies are hilarious, but he was also a big inspiration to me as a fellow foul-mouthed weirdo trying to do his own thing through whatever low rent self-financed format he could scrounge up. When I self-published SEAGALOGY I liked to fantasize that I was kind of like either Dr. Dre selling NWA tapes out of the trunk of his car or Rudy Ray printing up his own comedy records and travelling around selling them himself. I don't think I quite matched the level of either of those, but it's always good to have something to aspire to.

When I saw the man last year it was obvious he was getting older (in fact, it was his 80th birthday). But a man who uses earthquakes to mix his milkshakes, you don't expect him to be whupped by diabetes. I guess beating up the days of the week or eating an avalanche can wear you down after a while.

I hope I'll get time soon to sit down and watch my entire Dolemite box set ("Officially Disapproved By the Man," by the way) and write up some more scholarly works, but I don't think Petey Wheatstraw would've wanted me to interupt my Halloween marathon. So I got a review of a new horror DVD that comes out today, THE STRANGERS.

10/19/08 How 'bout some more spooky Halloween fun with Oliver Stone's W.? Ooh, scaaaaaarrrry.

By the way, can you believe Mother's Cookies went out of business? What the fuck? I know many or most of my readers are in different parts of the world and have no clue what I'm talking about, but this has been pretty much the main cookie company here since 1914. I think they sold a little less than Keebler and somebody else, but they were around longer and made many of the staples that I never thought I would outlive. And yes, I do blame Bush for this, he fucked things up so bad it's not even profitable to make a product that has been a staple for 94 years. So pour some sprinkles on the curb for those pink and white Circus Animal cookies. R.I.P.

And now that we got the important part out of the way, I just want to suggest that if you haven't you watch the video of Colin Powell endorsing Barack Obama. I've never been on the Colin Powell bandwagon but this video is incredible in this A.D.D. age. It's 7 minutes straight of a man talking very thoughtfully and fairly about the strengths and weaknesses of the two candidates. And then when he starts talking about the campaign and what's going on in our country he makes some points on topics I've been thinking about but that I haven't seen anybody else bring up, specifically his comments about "small town values" and about American Muslims.

10/18/08 I said "a Stephen King or two," so here's #2: CUJO. Also I watched FACES OF DEATH for the first time and wrote about the new DVD on Ain't it cool.

10/15/08 How 'bout we throw a Stephen King or two in the mix? We'll start with 1408.

10/13/08 I saw this movie called REEKER, I wasn't even gonna review it but then I found out there was a sequel coming out this week. So here's a doubleheader of them if you care.

10/11/08 The Halloweenabration continues with the old Clive Barker monster movie RAWHEAD REX. But if you prefer monsters of a more lupine nature (that means wolf I think) there's always Joe Dante's THE HOWLING.

10/8/08 Okay, let's get into this Halloween shit. Ladies and gentleman, the Robert Englund triple-feature. Something old: FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE: THE VERY LAST ONE, NO JOKE. Something new: JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER. Something non-horror where he's in like 2 scenes: RED.

10/4/08 By request for M. Tully, I wrote a somewhat tolerable column about the VP debate.

10/1/08 My annual October horror review avalanche begins with the upcoming RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP. For the non horror fans maybe I can interest you in the new Spike Lee movie MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA.

9/28/08 Sorry I've been AWOL for a week. Today I got a double-review of the two VHS obscurities I watched this weekend, a real good Australian giant crocodile movie called DARK AGE and a less impressive action movie called TRIPWIRE.

Also I'd like to note that using Google I stumbled across a guy's Amazon wish list where the top two were Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal by Vern and The Law of the Somalis: A Stable Foundation for Economic Development in the Horn of Africa by Michael van Notten.

9/20/08 Best stunts I've seen in a long damn time: the 2004 Thai action movie BORN TO FIGHT.

9/19/08 It should go without saying that when you see the words "DMX" and "KRIS KRISTOFFERSON" above a title you just watch the movie, no questions asked. But in case you're the inquisitive type I got a review of said movie, which is called LORDS OF THE STREET.

9/14/08 Just to show you I'm real serious about politics I decided to look into the 1999 made-for-TV biopic THE JESSE VENTURA STORY.

9/11/08 Some people have been asking me if I'd do a column about the '08 presidential election. Well, this is probaly more column than you want. But if you're interested here it is.

9/3/08 I saw a screener of Stuart Gordon's STUCK. It comes to DVD next month but maybe a few of you caught it in theaters.

9/2/08 Some more unfinished business I'm trying to wrap up: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD. I did all the Death Wishes like I promised, all the Dirty Harrys, I even did all the Saws without prompting, so it's time I finished up those Freddy pictures.

8/30/08 For completists only: I saw SAW IV. Instead of reading that crap I recommend you watch Dolph Lundgren's awesome new COMMAND PERFORMANCE teaser at Dolph Ultimate. Not only does the movie promise the type of absurd high concept I like, this teaser reminds me of the glory days of standalone teasers like LEATHERFACE or T2. And I'm sure I've seen a bullet flying toward the camera with flames behind it before - maybe it's the opening credits of RICOCHET? I'm not sure.

8/27/08 Doing some DTV sequel catch-up I watched WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END. Also I forgot to link to it but a week ago or so I did THE SCORPION KING 2 THE RISE OF A WARRIOR which is the prequel to the prequel to the sequel to THE MUMMY.

And by the way, speaking of movies featuring Everett, Washington's own fighting champ Randy Couture, I cannot emphasize enough that you should see REDBELT, which came out on DVD this week. That's the David Mamet code of honor movie starring Chewetel Ejiofor as a Jiu-Jitsu instructor. Definitely one of the year's best movies. Read my original review if you're not convinced yet.

8/16/08 To celebrate the upcoming release of the new SCORPION KING DTV, I decided to watch the first SCORPION KING. Also if you missed it here's a link to my review of Seagal's next movie KILL SWITCH, where he plays a Memphis homicide detective on the trail of two separate serial killers.

8/9/08 Well damn, here I was excited to be finishing my reviews of the DIRTY HARRY series as promised, but I end up posting my DEAD POOL review on the day a real celebrity dies. Sorry about that. I'm gonna miss Bernie Mac, that dude was funny.

8/8/08 part 2 Why watch the Olympics when you could read my review of SUDDEN IMPACT?

8/8/08 Let's make it a doubleheader of doubleheader reviews. Today I watched a double feature of John Ford's PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND and an obscure ninja picture called NINJA VENGEANCE which... well, you'll have to read it to see what a great hook it has. I don't want to spoil it.

8/7/08 I forgot to link to my review of two DVD releases, STARSHIP TROOPERS 3 and the actually good crocodile movie ROGUE. Also please note that SEAGALOGY introducer David Gordon Green's new movie PINEAPPLE EXPRESS came out this week. I'm not gonna review it so it doesn't look like a conflict, but I will say that it made me laugh and that it advances the ROADHOUSE cause of women being kicked in the balls.

7/27/08 To celebrate the power of individuality I present to you ARMY OF ONE, starring Dolph Lundgren, directed by the famous stuntman and stunt co-ordinator Vic Armstrong.

7/23/08 part 2 Here is a real gem you might not have seen, the absurd 1991 Denzel vs. Lithgow with a side order of Ice-T action/revenge thriller RICOCHET. Thanks to Kevin C. for getting me to watch that one again because I really enjoyed it all these years later.

7/23/08 What better way to conclude my recent Lance Henriksen retrospective than with THE DAY LINCOLN WAS SHOT?

7/20/08 part 2 If you're not that into Batman but you enjoy Anthony Edwards and/or Lance Henriksen, here is a review of their 1992 buddy cop movie DELTA HEAT.

P.S. I already saw the Batman movie again, I believe that makes me a nerd. Earlier in the week I saw the Indiana Jones again and I must admit that I still loved it. I guess I'm out of touch with today's tastes. But if you really want to go through with this pretending you like THE MUMMY 3 better thing more power to you.

7/20/08 Ladies and gentlemen, Vern in association with Geocities is proud to present the internet's one millionth rave review of THE DARK KNIGHT. When I wrote it a bunch of balloons fell out of the ceiling and I won a set of Batman stationary. And in other highly anticipated sequel news I have a review of THE ART OF WAR II: BETRAYAL starring Wesley Snipes.

7/14/08 Today I got a really early review of next month's TROPIC THUNDER and a real late review of 1989's HIT LIST.

7/13/08 On Michael Jackson's classic album Off the Wall there's this song called "I Can't Help It." It was written by Stevie Wonder, and when I first found that out it made so much sense. I could almost imagine the demo Stevie must've recorded to show Michael how to sing it. Well, Friday night I saw Stevie's show out on the Indian reservation, and I'll be damned, he played that song! I couldn't believe it. He laughed and said, "Expect the unexpected."

Well today I'm still shitfaced on life so expect the unexpected - after 2 weeks of inactivity here's an avalanche of reviews.

By request: the topnotch robot cartoon WALL-E

By years worth of requests: KISS KISS BANG BANG

Just because it's amazing: UNFORGIVEN

And after you either read or refuse to read those ones I really suggest taking some time to watch the entries for the Seagalogy Youtube contest. I gathered together the winners and some of my other favorites on Ain't It Cool last week, and there are other good ones on Youtube that I was forced to leave out because there were just too many. I gotta say I was incredibly impressed by all the creativity and effort people put into it. I wasn't sure anybody would even enter, but I got all kinds of great ones. One guy spent the whole month doing animation, another guy broke his hand on the steering wheel while driving a monster truck over a pickup (no joke). When I heard that I think it was my proudest moment since getting 5 stars in Smooth Magazine.

6/30/08 Don't worry, I'm still weighing in on the current releases. Here's my review of WANTED.

6/29/08 I thought some of my readers might want a break from the DIRTY HARRY series, so today I wanted to do something completely different. Just something totally random and out of left field like, I don't know, how 'bout IN THE LINE OF FIRE starring Clint Eastwood.

6/25/08 I'm still going through the Dirty Harry box set. I'm on #3, THE ENFORCER, where he teams up with Lacey of Cagney and Lacey. Believe me, it's better than it sounds.

6/16/08 You know what, it's no HULK, but I'd say THE INCREDIBLE HULK probaly is worth writing home about.

Dear Mother and Father,

This season has been a struggle and has dealt us many blows. In May my two youngest succumbed to the scarlet fever. But the Lord heard our prayers. Some of the neighbor boys helped out and most of our crops were salvaged. Also I thought THE INCREDIBLE HULK was pretty good. Not great, but worth watching anyway. Hope to see you at the reunion.

Sincerely, Vern.

6/15/08 I'm working on a review of that new Hulk movie, but first I gotta tell you about THE HAPPENING.

6/12/08 Today we take a look at the first and to me most interesting DIRTY HARRY sequel, MAGNUM FORCE.

6/10/08 Guess what motherfuckers, today I'm a published author. If you missed my super rare self-published version of SEAGALOGY now you can finally stop regretting it and go pick up a copy of the Titan Books edition from your local independent bookseller, your monolithic chain store, maybe even your library if you're poor.

In other words, my book "drops" today. I always wanted to say I had something about to "drop." Also I got a really nice review over on Chud that validates all the work I put into it, makes me think most of what I was trying to accomplish with it might be successful. Y'all gonna make a motherfucker cry like at the end of BABE when he says "That'll do pig."

I'm very proud of this book, it is my masterwork so far, I hope it is the "Straight Outta Compton" of film criticism. And it's gonna be a while before I figure out what exactly the "The Chronic" of film criticism is. So I may be promoting this thing a little more but I will try to stay conscious of the fact that some of you guys have got to be sick of hearing about god damn Seagal.

So to thank you for your patience here is a little review of DIRTY HARRY.

And if anybody reads the book please let me know what you think, outlawvern-at-hotmail-dot-com. Also tell your friends. Father's Day is coming up. Not too early to stock up for Christmas either. You know how you always intend to start early, but then Thanksgiving comes and you forgot. That is why you should order 500 copies from Amazon right now. I'm trying to knock THE ART OF KUNG FU PANDA off the top movies/entertainment/genres sellers.

anyway thanks everybody

6/9/08 Well, I'm not gonna make any new friends with this one, but I got a piece on INDIANA JONES AND THE ETC. ETC. It's kind of a review but kind of an essay about the state of modern entertainment. But the controversial aspect is that I liked the movie. TAKE THAT, THE MAN!

6/4/08 part 2 I got the new Dirty Harry box set that came out yesterday. It's got all 5 movies with new transfers, commentaries and featurettes. It comes with a bunch of goofy shit like a miniature replica of Harry's wallet with badge and ID (in case you know a guy who looks exactly like Clint Eastwood but at 3/4 scale). Also you can buy the movies separately if you're not a completist.

Anyway, I realized that somehow I've never reviewed the Dirty Harry movies! Not even the first one. So I'll be going through the series but before I start I knew I had to finish some unfinished business. I had been sitting on my DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH review because I wanted to pair it with an Elm Street 5 review, but I still haven't watched that one. But at least I'm completing the DEATH WISH series for you here, that's more important.

In other news, Impact Action Movie Magazine gave my book 10 out of 10 and said it is "quite possibly the best book on film I have ever read." Take that, other film books!

6/4/08 I guess as a tie-in to the release of SEAGALOGY (officially June 10th, but I hear it is in some stores already) they finally decided to release THE ONION MOVIE. That's fun and all, but let's get back to the serious business of badass studies, beginning with Burt Reynolds in MALONE.

5/26/08 On Thursday I went to the opening movie of this year's Seattle International Film Festival, which was BATTLE IN SEATTLE, that movie about the 1999 WTO protests. So if anybody's interested I wrote a very long piece about both the movie and my experiences and observations of the actual historical event.

5/24/08 part 2 For generations, kids have grown up on Mad Magazine and their movie "satires" where they change the names around so it's funny. For example instead of "Night of the Living Dead" it might be called "Nut of the Living Dead." Or instead of "Knight Rider" it might be called "Nut Rider." Or instead of "Iron Man" it could be called "Nut Man."

But for those of us who could not afford Mad Magazine we did not know about those hilarious plays on words and had to read Cracked Magazine instead. Well now, somehow, Cracked Magazine has evolved into cracked.com which is a funny websight with many humorous lists. So I am proud to have written a Steven Seagal-related list for them, it is the fulfillment of a life long dream that Cracked would turn into some other technology and then I would write a list for it or whatever.

Before you read it though I have to warn you that they rewrote it and I am not responsible for those derogatory remarks about Seagal or Stallone. My version was actually called "7 Great Steven Seagal Occupations", not "6 Least Plausible," and included "not exactly a cop" from URBAN JUSTICE.

I guess now I know the harsh reality of writing for Cracked. You might say it's not what it's cracked up to be. (I better look up if there is a mad.com to send that one to)

5/24/08 I can't imagine a more relevant way to celebrate Memorial Day weekend than to review two movies where Dolph Lundgren battles Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. Can you? If not please enjoy my doubleheader of SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO and BRIDGE OF DRAGONS.

Also, I am not one to follow celebrity gossip, but the best thing I've read lately is Slate's coverage of the R. Kelly trial. The story is fuckin nuts and the guy writing it is really funny. The whole thing is fascinating but I especially like in day 2 the part where the defense lawyer questions a witness about the movie LITTLE MAN by "the Waymons Brothers."

5/23/08 By popular request for years I have finally reviewed AVENGING FORCE starring Michael Dudikoff. Also if anybody's interested in making a Steven Seagal style video clip you could win a Playstation 3 or a copy of SEAGALOGY. Details at the Ain't It Cool.

5/19/08 Tired of looking on your favorite movie websights and seeing thirty five different reviews of INDIANA JONES AND THE ETC. even though you can't see it until at least Thursday? And also you already saw IRON MAN and maybe SPEED RACER and are in need of a truly awesome summer entertainment on a much smaller and more arty scale but which happens to involve Brazilian jiu-jitsu?

Well WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you David Mamet's REDBELT.

5/18/08 If you happen to flip through the Entertainment Weekly magazine this week to get the inside scoop on the SEX AND/OR THE CITY movie be sure not to have a mouth full of milk when you get to the books page so you won't do a spit take when you see a sidebar where they interviewed me and I chose my "5 favorite Seagal moments" (I was told it was supposed to be "most badass").

You know how you can tell I'm an asshole? Because I wrote mean things about that magazine last year and now I'm feeling all proud and excited to have my book acknowledged in there. Oh well. I just can't believe my little self published pet project is now a real book that people know about. Everyone who wears hats please take them off to Titan Books.

Seagal is waging a war on ballsThere's a funny story about that sidebar too. At the end it quotes me as saying "Seagal is waging a war on crotches." I really called it his "War on Balls" but the writer, Adam Markovitz, later got back to me and said that it turns out you're not allowed to say "balls" in Entertainment Weekly. He was very apologetic and embarrassed and asked if it was okay to change it to "a war on groins." I did not think that was a good idea because technically the groin is the area where the thigh connects with the abdomen and this is not, in my opinion, Seagal's target. So I suggested the more medically correct "War on Testicles."

"Testicles" though was deemed too explicit so it became a war on crotches. I do not feel violated, and reader Timothy H. writes in to inform me that "crotches" is actually funnier. And anyway it wasn't too extreme a change like in the TV version of SCARFACE when he says "Miami is like a big chicken waiting to be plucked." Still, I thought it was important that everybody know you can't say "balls" in Entertainment Weekly. In case that ever comes up.

And to celebrate here is a short review of CLASS OF 1999.

5/17/08 Hey everybody, it's back to school time! Oh wait, it's summer isn't it? Well, I guess I don't got a timely theme here, but for some reason I wanted to review Mark L. Lester's topnotch teacher-pushed-too-far b-movie CLASS OF 1984. If you haven't seen this one in a while like I hadn't you might want to take another look, this is some good shit.

5/14/08 Well, I'm a little late, so I'm sure most of you have already not seen it by now. But here are some thoughts on this year's second summer movie, SPEED RACER.

5/2/08 Well it looks like SEAGALOGY got pushed back to June 3rd, but they're telling me it might show up early at some places. Sorry about that. They really got the publicity machine going though, if you look around there's a couple contests to win copies and I am proud to announce that I got a 5 out of 5 star rating in the new issue of Smooth Magazine (the one with Stacy Dash on the cover). Game - Get Some! What Women Really Want by former Miss USA Kenya Moore only got 4 1/2 stars. In your face, Miss USA!

So now that I'm in Smooth I'm getting a big head so I'm getting serious and political in a new Vern Tell's It Like It Is column. It's pretty long winded and I do not recommend reading it. But I've had some requests to write about my thoughts on the democratic primary so this is in case those people are still interested. Oh also I reviewed the John Cusack war satire WAR, INC.

For the rest of you how about a quick TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE review? Who wants it?

And one final note, I don't think I'll write a review of IRON MAN but I enjoyed it. It's a well told and mostly solid super hero story with a surprising amount of laughs due to Robert Downey Jr.'s great performance. The nerds were right, he was perfect, and has helped to kick off the summer that will hopefully destroy that myth that you have to lower your standards of entertainment to watch a "summer popcorn movie."

4/27/08 Some people have asked me to comment about Wesley Snipes's conviction. So I decided to comment on his conviction to be awesome in the movie BOILING POINT. Also I comment on his conviction.

4/24/08 Okay, to make up for reviewing ENCHANTED, and to randomly pay tribute to our brothers and sisters down under, I have for you 3 (three) reviews from the Australians of Cinema. I have that movie THE PROPOSITION that everybody's been telling me to see for yours, that movie CHOPPER that I always talk about but forgot to ever review, and for dessert there's the topnotch killer hog movie RAZORBACK.

4/22/08 This is kind of weird but I reviewed the movie ENCHANTED. I think the review turned out pretty good but I still plan to make up for it soon, don't worry.

4/11/08 Take your vitamin C and wash your hands left and right because you do not want the flu that's going around. I think even my brain is full of phlegm so I haven't been able to write any worthwhile reviews. I guess this 48 HOURS/ANOTHER 48 HOURS try is okay. sorry. I'm trying.

4/8/08 Do you realize that today is the twentieth anniversary of the release of Seagal's first movie, ABOVE THE LAW? Damn, should've had the book come out today.

4/7/08 For some reason I never reviewed BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA before.

4/2/08 Thanks everybody for your kind comments about my April Fool's thing yesterday. Sorry if I gave anybody a heart attack. I worked real hard on that thing and tried to make it my definitive statement on commercialism in movie web sights and various other things I see going on today. So please check it out if you missed it.

Also today I have for you a quick review of the most recent Van Damme picture, the highly anticipated THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL.

3/28/08 Sorry for the delay but now I'm ready to continue with my Krueger vs. Kersey series. So today we have DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER (which by the way came out less than a year apart in 1987 and 1988).

By the way I just got my proof copy of the Titan Books edition of SEAGALOGY and it's looking real good. One thing they did for me that I was too amateurish to know how to do in my version was to put the chapter subject on the bottom of each page, so for example if you want to flip to the part about SONGS FROM THE CRYSTAL CAVE real quick it's easier to do. Also I expected they would take out some of my goofy touches like in the copyright information where I said you could not reproduce it without written permission from the publisher or from an actor such as Michael Caine or Eric Bogosian who played a major villain in a Seagal film. They left that in! So I am real happy with Titan Books, they are on my cool list.

Not that I necessarily expect you all to re-buy it if you have the super rare lulu version, but I personally was wondering if I had sold out and it turns out that I did not. So I thought I would share that. (they call this blogging now, that's what I'm doing here I believe.)

3/27/08 You know what came out on DVD that was good? THE MIST.

3/24/08 Well, the word is still mostly positive on DOOMSDAY from the people I've talked to who have seen it. But I'm afraid once I caught up with it I really, really, really did not like it at all. Sorry guys. I'm glad most of you were able to enjoy it though. I'm the poor sucker who has to wait for a real Mad Max movie I guess.

3/19/08 SOUTHLAND TALES came out on DVD this week and if a motherfucker may be so bold I'd like to fire off some warning flares to keep you away from it. Don't worry, Bruce Willis isn't in it, I put his icon up because it's his birthday.

I also got a review of SEXY BEAST for you.

3/17/08 Nothing new today, but I wanted to mention that yesterday they showed PISTOL WHIPPED on the USA network, and it was letterboxed.

3/16/08 Many fine movies have been released to DVD recently. Instead I am reviewing HITMAN. The much better I AM LEGEND comes out on Tuesday and I sneakily bought the DVD early so I added an update at the end of my original review to address the other ending that's included.

Also a little business: I got a very convincing email from a guy begging me to see DOOMSDAY. He says it's the movie PLANET TERROR wishes it was. If you're not familiar with this movie it's the director of THE DESCENT doing a riff on ROAD WARRIOR and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (or so it looks to me who hasn't seen it yet). For some reason it wasn't screened at all and is only playing at one theater in Seattle so it's getting kind of buried. I don't think I'll get a chance to see until next weekend but I thought I would at least pass on the word that the movie MAY be worth checking out in theaters. I cannot vouch for it yet.

3/9/08 On a day like this I like to sit back and reminisce about days gone by... the good old days when well spoken cavemen herded wooly mammoths and built the pyramids and fought against bad guys who might've been aliens and it was alot like 300 or APOCALYPTO except sucky. Ladies and gentlemen, travel with me back in time to the summer of 10,000 BC.

3/4/08 The sagas continue with DEATH WISH 3 and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS. These days part 3s are frowned upon, but these two happen to be the most popular sequels of their respective series.

If you only like to read about part 1s though I recently reviewed Seagal's latest, PISTOL WHIPPED, which came out today.

2/24/08 Well, Oscar day is here. Exciting for everyone. As my tribute to artistry, originality and the search for excellence in film I would like to review two part 2s, DEATH WISH II and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE.

2/23/08 Okay I may be risking vigilante overload here but I have decided to finally watch all the DEATH WISH sequels and review them. Before that let's start things off with an old vs. new head to head battle: new reviews of Charles Bronson in DEATH WISH vs. Jodie Foster in THE BRAVE ONE.

2/22/08 Some day soon I'm gonna compile links to all the Seagalogy publicity I've done so far, but until then here's a new one that's pretty good. I'm promoting both Seagalogy and a showing of URBAN JUSTICE on Spike TV (on Oscar night).

2/21/08 I recently saw two great suspense thrillers that almost passed me by so I want to vouch for them so you guys won't miss out. First one is MICHAEL CLAYTON which is nominated for best picture but for some reason I didn't think it was gonna be this good. Just came out on DVD so check it out. The other one is a couple years old, BIRTH starring Nicole Kidman. I really thought this one looked stupid but I heard it was good from enough people that I checked it out and I gotta say, those people were right. So I'm joining their campaign. CLAYTON/BIRTH 2008 motherfuckers.

2/20/08 Catching up on some of last year's more important DTV releases, I finally checked out UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING and I did a real quick look at the Van Damme heroin addict drama UNTIL DEATH. Also I forgot to link to this before but I recently reviewed Michel Gondry's upcoming BE KIND REWIND.

2/18/08 I missed it in theaters somehow but now I saw AMERICAN GANGSTER in the 3-hour extended version that comes out on DVD Tuesday.

2/17/08 Anybody heard of 80 BLOCKS FROM TIFFANY'S? It's a documentary from 1979 about New York Street gangs. Imagine interviews with the real life equivalents of the characters in THE WARRIORS. Best obscurity I've stumbled across in years. Also, that A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET review that I thought I put up a week ago - I actually put it up now. So if anybody besides Diego in Chile wants to read it knock yourself out. And thanks for the tip off, Diego.

2/10/08 The Exterminator saga continues in 1984's much crappier THE EXTERMINATOR 2 co-starring Mario Van Peebles. Also in the interest of balance I'll review a much better movie from the same year, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

2/7/08 I have an early review of George Romero's DIARY OF THE DEAD, which unfortunately I didn't like as much as pretty much everybody else who's reviewed it. On the positive side I saw a weird old Vietnam vet vigilante movie called THE EXTERMINATOR and, being held to lower standards than a new Romero movie, it was pretty good.

2/2/08 I got a special request to review some westerns, so I decided to start with RIO BRAVO.

1/29/08 Anybody ever see BAD LIEUTENANT? I have. Also I've had a flurry of recent activity at The Ain't It Cool News:



interview with guy making a movie about the making of TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE

1/26/08 I'm finishing up the new edition of SEAGALOGY this weekend but I got a whole bunch of reviews in the works and of course I had to give you a quick reaction to RAMBO.

1/20/08 Hey, remember me? Name's Vern. I'm back on the scene with my CLOVERFIELD review. Also, I forgot to link to the DTV triple-header I did starring Dolph Lundgren (MISSIONARY MAN) Jason Statham vs. Wesley Snipes (CHAOS) and some dude (ROCKAWAY). Also, did you notice that was me who asked Sylvester Stallone that last question about Rambo eating things that would make a billygoat puke? (I didn't really understand his answer, though.)

SPECIAL REQUEST: if there are any Dutch readers who have a minute to help me out please email me (outlawvern at hotmail dot com). I just got a quick question or two about modern Dutch cinema for some research I'm doing.

[UPDATE: I got the information I needed - thanks for all the help everybody.]

Oh, and, hey man - check out this book I just noticed on Amazon. Sounds interesting.

1/7/08 I don't know man, will there be blood? It's hard to say. Click here to find out.

By the way, happy Last Fucking Year of Bush. And did you hear the war is over? I guess not the Iraq one though, just the format war. That's what some guy at the video store said. "Warners" as my buddy Harry calls Warner Brothers is going exclusively Blu-Ray, so the rebels have declared victory. To me though it's really not over until the peace treaty is signed and every one of our boys is home. We should not have to send the Blu-Ray of RAMBO in to rescue HD-DVD exclusive POWs such as the Kubrick box set. The sad thing is, nobody will really respect the Blu-Rays when they get home, and half of them will end up strung out and homeless.

P.S. The clock is seriously ticking on that super-rare first edition of Seagalogy. The contract is in the mail and as soon as they tell me they received it I gotta pull the plug. So this is your last chance to get the book until later next year. Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives.

12/27/07 I hope everybody had a good Christmas or a good December 25th, or both. To celebrate peace on earth and good will to men I have another William Friedkin review, the badass truck driving movie SORCERER. And my review of AvP-R. I call this piece VvAvP-R.

By the way, since I'm gonna be retiring SEAGALOGY any moment now I need something new for Lulu, and I'm thinking of doing a new collection like 5 ON THE OUTSIDE. This one will be a Greatest Hits type deal. So if you have a moment to help me out please email me (outlawvern at hotmail dot com) and let me know what are your favorite things I ever wrote. This can include movie reviews from here or anywhere else, my columns and political rants or even talkbacks. Don't worry about overlap with the other book, I'll figure that out later. Thanks in advance for helping out and for giving me a big head.

12/20/07 Okay, here's my I AM LEGEND. Also I recently reviewed the new DVD of Lucio Fulci's THE PSYCHIC.

12/17/07 I am legend, hear me roar, in numbers too small to ignore. I'm still working on my review for that one but maybe this review of JUNO will help tide you over.

12/15/07 I know some people have been waiting for this one, here is my review of one of this year's more fascinating movies, I KNOW WHO KILLED ME with Lindsay Lohan. I hope the review's not too long-winded. For some reason I went off on a Vern Tell's It Like It Is-style tangent-rant about Britney Spears. If you want a shorter one I also reviewed CONFESSIONS OF A SUPERHERO for The Ain't It Cool.

12/10/07 IMPORTANT NEWS: It looks like the internet edition of SEAGALOGY will be going out of print shortly. Don't worry, I'm not getting sued or threatened. It will go back into print some time next year, possibly slightly cheaper, most likely slightly updated, and definitely more widely available in actual stores and what not. I've decided this is what's best for society so I'm gonna go for it. But I wanted to give you guys a heads up because I know some of you want to read it before then and haven't been able to get it yet.

12/8/07 I'm doing some more William Friedkin catchup. Here's a review of his 2006 picture THE HUNTED starring Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro. Warning: this review is written from a Seagalogist's perspective.

12/3/07 Well, it's winter now. We even got a little bit of snow the other day. So why not bust out a quick review of THE DEAD ZONE? Let's make it a holiday tradition.

11/29/07 I got a quick review of the John McTiernan remake of THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR.

11/28/07 Very funny, Michael Haneke. Very funny. I got a review of the original 1997 Austrian version of FUNNY GAMES. Also if anybody cares I added 4 paragraphs to the end of that ACROSS THE UNIVERSE review. I realized after I posted it that I got so involved in that tangent about Michael Jackson that I forgot to make some of the main points I intended to make. So I went back and George Lucased the ending there. My apologies to your childhoods.

UPDATE: sorry, I wrote those paragraphs and then forgot to upload them. They're there now. Thanks to Eva E. for tipping me off to that.

11/26/07 I cannot tell a lie. I paid money to see a musical. ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

11/24/07 Here is my attempt at some insights on NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.

11/21/07 I'm real slow at these things but here are two movies people have been begging me to review for months or years: 92 IN THE SHADE and TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.

11/20/07 If you're curious about that LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD unrated version that came out today, I reviewed it over at Ain't It Cool. And over on film.com I wrote kind of a corny article about the new 3-D trend.

11/16/07 I got a couple by-request Badass Cinema reviews in the works, but until I finish those here is my review of THE BEOWULF 3-D IMAX EXPERIENCE.

11/13/07 Well it's that time of year when the Oscar movies start coming out. There's some interesting ones on the way, I'm real excited about NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN for example. So what could be more timely than to review that crappy RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER movie that I didn't watch this summer? I sure can't think of anything.

11/11/07 Today I would like to humbly offer a double dose of early Cronenberg: RABID (the one about a gal with a killer vagina under her arm) and FAST COMPANY (the one about funny car racing).

11/5/07 I am a Writer so I was gonna go on strike, but then I remembered I don't get paid anyway. So the only people who would suffer would be the world. Also, where am I gonna picket, the sidewalk by my apartment?

Instead here is a review, but I don't think it's gonna be a popular one. It's my Pissing On The Parade take on the new definitive platinum series golden anniversary master director's ultimate super cut of BLADE RUNNER. (not the upcoming DVD, I saw it at the Cinerama.)

11/1/07 I never heard of this until recently, and it's not even officially available on video if you know what I mean, but still I gotta tell you about a good '70s crime picture, THE FRIENDS OF EDDIE COYLE starring Robert Mitchum.

10/31/07 Seriously though, happy Halloween. Go scare somebody. Today I have for you a review of a movie about a town that dreaded sundown, it's called THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN.

10/30/07 Well, I've been watching some horror movies this month but haven't reviewed too many of them. But here's one for you. David Cronenberg's first feature, SHIVERS, about a disgusting parasite that makes everybody want to fuck everybody. Happy Halloween!

10/5/07 Thanks everybody for your support with Seagalogy. I've already sold more copies of that one than I've sold of 5 on the Outside in the couple years it's been out. I can't wait to start getting feedback, please drop me a line when you've read it and let me know what you think. Even if it's negative.

Also, if you have any way of helping me raise awareness, like if you want to interview me on Seagalogy for your websight or anything like that, let me know.

Sorry for the lack of updates but here's something you can read if you're interested. I recently started doing some freelance pieces for film.com, the official web sight of film. My new one is "In Defense of Torture Porn" which is a much shorter and more palatable version of the mammoth TP essay I was struggling to write this summer when I watched the three SAW movies in a row. If you like it it couldn't hurt to click on the "recommended" thing at the top. Every time you do that a bell rings in Heaven that says to forgive me for defending torture porn.(By the way, my title for the piece was "Pass the Torture Porn, Please.")

10/20/07 And to celebrate the release of SEAGALOGY Seagal himself decided to make his best movie in years, URBAN JUSTICE, coming soon.

10/19/07 My friends, on this historic day I am proud to announce what you already know if you saw the banner above - I finally fuckin finished SEAGALOGY! I got my proof copy today and it looks real nice. As far as I can tell I didn't fuck anything up. So I want to thank everyone for their support, patience and words of encouragement over the years that I embarked on this journey. I hope everyone who buys it enjoys it. Unless they are some kind of asshole, but that would never happen.

Now I just gotta write and publish one more book in the next two months to fulfill my New Year's resolution!

OH YEAH, and I reviewed 30 DAYS OF NIGHT.

10/14/07 Man, I'm having some bad luck with the movies. Tried watching the remake of HOUSE OF WAX but the DVD froze up about half an hour in. Brought it back to the video store, got another copy, this one only made it about ten minutes further in before it froze up too. Never even got to see Paris Hilton's character (or any other character for that matter) bite it. So I tried to watch MONSTER MAN, an earlier movie from the director of SHOOT 'EM UP, which is about a monster running over people with a monster truck. But I'm tellin ya, that monster man should've run over the fucking main characters a LONG time ago. I don't know if I can finish this one.

So that leaves some other DTV horror called REST STOP, that's the one I was able to get to the end of. Congratulations REST STOP, winner of the October 2007 Movie Vern Could Get To the End Of Award.

10/13/07 GEOCITIES EXCLUSIVE! Well I wrote this DVD review of Tobe Hooper's crazy as fuck EATEN ALIVE, but Harry never ran it. So here it is.

10/5/07 Today I have a review of John Carpenter's previously unreleased 1978 TV movie SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME!. But just so you don't think I only review legendary horror directors' obscure made for TV thrillers about apartment buildings I also have a review of Cronenberg's EASTERN PROMISES.

That's the one I'd been dying to see while I was dealing with moving all my shit to the new apartment. It really was my first priority after moving - when I turned in my old keys I walked right to the bus stop and went and saw EASTERN PROMISES. And it's a good one, so hopefully I did okay on the review and that will hold any of you non-horror fans over for the avalanche of horror reviews I will probaly end up doing this month.

thanks for reading

10/3/07 We'll start the pre-Halloween activities off with a whimper... catching up with the '99 made for cable Tobe Hooper picture THE APARTMENT COMPLEX.

9/30/07 I don't think it's even playing in theaters anymore, but I'm catching up on old business so here's my review of the cousin of DEATH WISH, DEATH SENTENCE starring Kevin Bacon.

9/28/07 Well, I'm back, but with the bummer task of pissing on the HATCHET parade. Another independent horror movie praised through the roof by my internet colleagues that turns out to be a false alarm. Oh well.

9/25/07 A week ago I reviewed the DEATH PROOF dvd for The Ain't It Cool, but I forgot to link to it. Since then I have been moving, which it turns out is a huge pain in the ass. (Who knew?) I promise I got some shit in the works and will be back in action soon, thanks for your patience.

p.s. I heard that the new director's cut of COMMANDO does not have the legendary beating a guy with his severed arm scene. Anybody verify that?

9/11/07 Well, I reviewed the movie ZOO on Ain't It Cool. They are really into super hero movies and what not so I figured, you know, send them a review of an arty experimental documentary about that guy who was fucked to death by a horse. The story is almost off the front page already but the talkback is just getting good - some guy admitted to, uh, loving animals. You know how it is on the internet.

Oh geez, I just realized that the word probaly spread on some bestiality message board somewhere. "Did anyone see this review of ZOO? Here is the link." Yeah, thanks for that headline Harry, I appreciate it. I didn't think about that, all kinds of goatfuckers and horse receivers reading my review. And then following the link here.

Uh... Welcome, horsefuckers. Please wash your hands before clicking on anything.

9/5/07 I got a review of the new Clive Owen super-over-the-top guns and babies picture SHOOT 'EM UP.

9/4/07 Well, I had a hard time writing this one but here's my thoughts on the HALLOWEEN remake. Also a little catch up: I recently reviewed an interesting action movie book called ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER and last week I interviewed director Scotty JX on his T&A action movie ACTIONGIRLS: SOLDIERS OF THE DEAD PART 1.

8/24/07 It turns out I never reviewed THE WARRIORS before. Until now. Also thanks to alot of you recommending it for a while I decided to watch David Mamet's SPARTAN.

8/17/07 On The Ain't It Cool I got early reviews of two of the movies coming out Friday: SUPERBAD and THE INVASION. Judd Apatow vs. Joel Silver.

8/13/07 Today is Alfred Hitchcock's birthday. He would've been 108 and still directing like a bat out of hell. I forgot to get anything for him so instead I added a review of the Gene Hackman/director-of-FIRST-BLOOD P.O.W. rescue movie UNCOMMON VALOR.

8/12/07 Perhaps this summer of part 3s is a good time to revisit MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME.

8/9/07 Have you ever tried watching YOJIMBO, A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS and LAST MAN STANDING all in one day? Then what are you waiting for?

8/7/07 There's this rumor that George Miller might be directing a nerd/comic strip type movie and I was appalled to learn that some of the nerds of the talkback community didn't think he was good enough! George god damn Miller not good enough for them! So I had no choice but to pull out the big guns. I had to review ROAD MOTHERFUCKING WARRIOR (that's MAD MOTHERFUCKING MAX 2 for the rest of the world).

But if you're more interested in reading about a movie less than 25 years old I also reviewed SUNSHINE, Danny Boyle's new entry in the small sci-fi for smarties genre.

8/3/07 It ain't no TERMINATOR trilogy but why not review the ROBOCOP trilogy? There is no reason. It's just something a man's gotta do.

8/1/07 Okay, a couple of you have guilted me about finishing the James Cameron movies, or at least THE ABYSS. I wanted to stick with the pure action but then striving for excellence was mentioned and I realized you guys were right, I should finish up. But give me some time on that. One result of the James Cameron marathon is that although I still don't forgive Schwarzenegger for becoming a tool of the republican country-killing machine, I have officially ended my grudge against his movies. So now I can review COMMANDO.

7/27/07 Today I wrap up the James Cameron Retrospective with my personal favorite of his movies, and without a doubt one of the greatest sequels of all time, ALImotherfuckinENS.

7/25/07 The James Cameron Retrospective continues with his sort of crazy attempt at comedy, TRUE LIES.

7/23/07 continued. I had such a good time with the TERMINATOR marathon that I decided to turn it into a full-on James Cameron retrospective. So I'm gonna start with his debut, PIRANHA PART 2 THE SPAWNING, or P2 for short.

7/23/07 I got some new reviews in the works but I wanted to share this first. Proof that Michael Bay is not my arch-nemesis: he chose to respond to some critic from McHenry County, Illinois. The critic talks briefly about why he thinks Bay's movies are terrible, and Bay swings back with that old favorite "The 'Transformers' movie’s $155 million seven-day haul is the biggest non-sequel opening in box office history."

I'm not sure how to prove that Harry has more readers than the arts and leisure section of the Northwest Herald of McHenry County, Illinois, but I did check out the guy's review and I would have to say that mine was more harsh. I said it "makes INDEPENDENCE DAY look like 2001," and compared it to everything from BATMAN AND ROBIN to the fictional movie ASS (the box office smash in IDIOCRACY) to the collapse of civilization. This guy said it sucked but gave it two stars.

So I should maybe be a little hurt that I didn't get quoted box office figures, allegedly called an idiot secondhand from Steven Spielberg and lectured on "hatred" from the director of BAD BOYS 2. Although one of the producers did call me a "hillbilly moron" in the comments of some blog somebody sent me a link to.

But you know what, I'm not gonna take this personally. I'll always have Demon Dave.

7/19/07 As a sacrificial offering to the lost art of the sci-fi action blockbuster I decided to watch and review all three TERMINATOR movies.

7/17/07 There was one summer sequel I let slip by without a review... until now! What I'm trying to say is I finally got around to writing up 28 WEEKS LATER.

7/12/07 Another double punch for you, this time concentrating on the period of 1989-1990. First we got Kathryn Bigelow's BLUE STEEL with Jamie Lee Curtis as a rookie cop. Then we got Phillip Noyce's BLIND FURY with Rutger Hauer as a ripoff of Zatoichi.

7/11/07 Well, before society collapses because of TRANSFORMERS I might as well get back to the important work of cataloging the films of Badass Cinema. Today's entries are Spencer Tracy in BAD DAY AT BLACK ROCK and Sylvester Stallone in COBRA.


From: drummerkid88@[REDACTED].net
Sent: Tue 7/03/07 6:57 PM
To: outlawvern@hotmail.com

your an absolute moron. you expected transformers to be some oscar winner. your an idiot.

(he sent that one twice.)

I wrote back to tell him that when TRANSFORMERS wins the Oscar for best visual effects and gets a nomination for sound effects editing he better write back to apologize, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet (busy drumming, I guess).

Yeah, I guess alot of people wanted to kill me for that review, but thanks for all the nice emails. I got more "thank you, I thought I was the only one" letters on that than anything I ever wrote. So, we're in the minority on this one but there are still many of us carrying the torch for the ancient art of comprehensible visual storytelling.

Anyway, enough of robots. By request, at long last, for a late Independence Day celebration ... here is AMERICAN NINJA.

7/3/07 I couldn't resist, I had to see and review Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS. Sorry. Also I forgot to link to this before but I reviewed a new Wesley Snipes DTV picture called THE CONTRACTOR. Well, it starts as a review then veers off into an idealistic pep talk about the potential of DTV.

6/27/07 Mr. Falcon is in the building. Repeat: Mr. Falcon is in the building. LIVE FREE OR DIE ____?


6/25/07 I also reviewed the new DVD of WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?, a good '76 Spanish horror movie.

For those who have been asking, yes I will be reviewing DIE HARD WITHOUT AS MUCH OF A VENGEANCE THIS TIME, THINK OF THE CHILREN. I expect to have a review up on The Ain't It Cool News opening day (Wednesday). Keep in mind, I am hoping against hope that I will somehow enjoy this movie, but then if I write an at all positive review alot of people will probaly be disappointed in me. So basically it is a lose-lose scenario. So either way, please be nice to an old DIE HARD fan in this trying time.

By the way, I went back and re-read my piece comparing DIE HARD to the book, and found this passage which seems kind of ironic now:

"McTiernan doesn't seem to know it, but it's still a pretty brutal movie. The guy is running around barefoot on broken glass, covered in blood. That scene where he swings shirtless and barefoot through a broken window, then gets dragged across the floor... and what about that fight with Karl, he's pounding on him and grunting like an animal, says "Motherfucker! I'm gonna kill you! Then I'm gonna fuck'n cook ya! Then I'm gonna fuck'n eat ya!" and then he wraps a chain around his neck and tosses him off the stairs... I mean, shit. This is not the watered down PG-13 action movie bullshit we got today."

6/23/07 Here's a good one: John Saxon vs. Rosie Grier in THE GLOVE. Both alphabetically and artistically it is sandwiched between THE GINGERDEAD MAN and THE GODFATHER. So go find a VHS copy or rent the DVD this Tuesday (it's a double feature with SEARCH AND DESTROY).

6/22/07 By unanimous consensus of the STONE COLD talkback I was appointed to watch THE PERFECT WEAPON starring Jeff Speakman.

6/18/07 SUMMER TORTURE PORN EXTRAVAGANZA PART 3: a SAW triple header. As a late Father's Day gift for those of you who bugged me to get an opinion on this horror series, I now dive in head first watching all three of the fuckers in a row.

6/14/07 Sorry, this has nothing to do with torture or porn, but I saw OCEAN'S 13 last week and now got around to reviewing it. Also if you didn't know, STONE COLD came out on DVD this week.

6/9/07 SUMMER TORTURE PORN EXTRAVAGANZA PART 1: HOSTEL PART II. I review the sequel to the movie I kind of liked but not really and also I take another shot at sealing up this whole "torture porn" debate. Why do I always gotta be the guy defending this shit? I'm not even that into it. I just feel it's important to point out that most of the people talking about it don't know what the hell they're talking about.

SUMMER TORTURE PORN EXTRAVAGANZA PART 2: HARDCORE. This is not a horror movie but it's by Dennis Iliadis, the Greek guy who's going to direct the remake of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. Ever since the whole CHAOS deal I've been chronicling everything LAST HOUSE related so I figured I'd check up on this guy.

6/6/1/07 On the other hand I'm no longer worthy of wikipedia for some reason. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

5/30/07 I can't believe I didn't find this out until now, but I got my first commentary track mention - on the second commentary track for the one good WWE Films picture SEE NO EVIL, the co-executive producer paraphrases a point I made in my review about how the killer's POV shots are blurry and it's ironic that a guy who collects eyeballs apparently needs glasses. He refers to me as "famous for writing online reviews, if you follow such things" and to my piece as a "strangely flattering review," which is accurate.

If anybody else wants to mention me in commentary tracks please go ahead. Remember, the opinions expressed in the interviews and commentaries are the opinions of you or Vern and not the opinions of the Whatsisdick Film Corporation.

5/27/07 I'm a day late but yesterday on John Wayne's 100th birthday I happened to watch McQ, his DIRTY HARRY knockoff filmed in Seattle.

5/18/07 You must've known this day would come eventually. I watched the WICKER MAN remake.

5/11/07 part 2 - Check this out: the greatest retraction of all time.

5/11/07 Since the fury of my DIE HARD love magically summoned Bruce to The Ain't It Cool News, they are too busy dealing with that to post my review for a little documentary coming out today, BRUCE WILLIS'S THE HIP HOP PROJECT by Bruce Willis. So you will have to read it here instead.

5/10/07 Well, hard to think about ninjas in the midst of Brucemania, but I got a short review of REVENGE OF THE NINJA (the follow up to that ENTER THE NINJA movie I reviewed not too long ago).


5/5/07 Some semi-coherent thoughts on SPIDER-MAN-THREE. By me, Vern.

5/4/07 A couple weeks back I got an email from a guy named Jurij which was maybe the best email I've gotten about Seagal. He wanted to make sure that I would mention Seagal's huge international popularity in my book, and he told me some interesting things about what Seagal means to him as someone who grew up in ex-Yugoslavia.

So it got me thinking. If there's anybody else out there who is a fan of Seagal outside of the US, please let me know what you think it is about him or his movies that appeals to your culture or national identity or whatever. Things that make him stand out from other American action heroes, or maybe things that Americans might not appreciate as much. If there's nothing that special about them don't make something up, but if you have any ideas let me know, it could help. Thanks.

5/3/07 LIVE FREE OR DIE WITH SOME CONTENT THAT MIGHT BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN BUT NOT RESTRICTED? Can you believe they are thinking of releasing the new John McClane as a god damn children's PG-13? As soon as Ed Wilson tipped me off to this bullshit I wrote an angry rant for The Ain't It Cool. Judging by all the emails I got and the talkback (my biggest since CHAOS) I'm not the only one that finds this blasphemous.

As a protest I will not be using the word 'hard' in conjunction with this movie until I have been offered evidence of an R-rating or higher.

5/1/07 1) A long time ago my James Bond experts Tom and Paul (the guys who wrote the rebuttal to DIE HARD 2 for my book) asked me if I would guest-review some James Bond movies for their sight, Her Majesty's Secret Servant. They chose THUNDERBALL and GOLDENEYE for me to do. I really enjoyed writing about them and I think the piece turned out pretty good. So I'm happy they finally got their new "issue" out (it's more like a magazine than a web sight). Check it out. Thanks Tom and Paul.

2)After that you can read my review of the Christopher Lambert vs. ninjas movie THE HUNTED.

3) And for those of you in North America, don't forget that the Jodorowsky box set comes out today. HOLY FUCKING MOUNTAIN ON DVD! My review of the box set is on The Ain't It Cool.

4/28/07 A couple quick reviews today. HOT FUZZ is a comedy, but it pays tribute to that type of action movie I was lamenting the death of in my review of THE CONDEMNED. I guess if we can't watch 'em we can at least laugh at 'em. And DOUBLE DARE is an interesting 2004 documentary about two stunt women. One of them happens to be Zoe Bell, heroine of DEATH PROOF.

4/25/07 I got a review of the new WWE Films picture THE CONDEMNED over on The Ain't It Cool News, and I got a little piece involving the horror film theory book MEN, WOMEN AND CHAIN SAWS on Screengrab.

4/22/07 I decided to finally write a new VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS column. This one is kind of weird because it's about the box office failure of PLANET TERROR/DEATH PROOF but also about honey bees.

4/21/07 I'm gonna continue with my ninja studies, but first I got a review of BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON which is coming out on video in a little while. And I think I'm the only guy on the internet who didn't like it.

4/19/07 In the Department of Badass Studies, I got a review of an old ninja movie, ENTER THE NINJA. Also if you care I did a post about the BARBARELLA remake over on The Screengrab.

Since I write for The Screengrab now, I got forwarded (along with everybody else) a thing about if I wanted to set up an interview with Larry T. Cable Guy about his new comedy, DELTA FARCE. Now, I've never done interviews, I don't really see promoting movies as part of my mission, and more importantly I'm not sure how the hell you record a phone interview. But it was pretty tempting. Here are some of the questions I would've liked to ask.

1. Were you at all nervous about it, having to live up to the original DELTA FORCE?

2. Is it based more on part 1 or is it kind of more like the sequels.

3. In your movie LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR, are you still a cable guy when you are a health inspector, or did you get fired. Did you ever consider LARRY THE CABLE GUY/HEALTH INSPECTOR.

4. What did you think of THE CABLE GUY anyway. I know alot of people thought it was too dark at the time but I think it holds up better than the other Jim Carrey movies.

5. Do you consider THE CABLE GUY to be one of his comedies, like ACE VENTURA, or is it more in the same category as his dramas like MAN ON THE MOON. Or is it somewhere in between?

6. I didn't know Owen Wilson was in THE CABLE GUY. I knew Jack Black was in it but did you know Owen Wilson was in it.

7. In the movie CARS you played the voice of Mater, the lovable buck-toothed tow truck. I liked the movie but it was pretty confusing. How did the cars reproduce? If Mater fucked a ice cream truck what type of babies does that make? How many wheels would it have?

8. What about a motorcycle?

9. You're the guy who says "Git R Done." I don't really get it. Who is she?

followup: You know, the lady that we're supposed to git done. Who is she?

followup 2: Oh okay, so it's like "Keep 'er Real," like we say on the west coast. I get it now.

10. Did you feel bad about Danny Trejo having to be in your movie.

11. In your movie you are an army reservist headed for Iraq who is accidentally dropped off in Mexico. You must've had to do alot of research. Do you feel that there is a military solution to the conflict in Iraq, or does our presence alone create the instability? Also what is your take on the Israel-Palestine problem? What would you do to git r done there?

12. A friend of mine had some problem with his cable and he called up and they didn't send a cable guy, they just flipped some switch while he was on the phone, and then he had to pay for that. That's bullshit. This is more of a statement than a question.

4/18/07 Wow, my man "Pervy" Paul Verhoeven really pulled it through with his new one BLACK BOOK. We're talkin a serious return to form, or new plateau or something. I give it my highest recommendation, the Vern Ribbon of Certified Excellence. (or whatever my highest recommendation would be called if it had a name.)

4/17/07 To celebrate Tax Day I have reviews of two movies based on the same novel: the new director's cut DVD of PAYBACK, and POINT BREAK.

Oh wait, it was POINT BLANK that was based on the same novel. Well, I reviewed that before anyway so now I did POINT BREAK.

4/10/07 Well I got a double-header review for you, two movies I happened to see called PLANET TERROR and DEATH PROOF.

Also, I'm sure you heard the bummer news about Bob Clark being killed by a drunk driver. Well, that's a damn shame, but did you know that we also just lost John Flynn? He is an under-recognized director in my opinion so most of you may not have heard his name before. I wouldn't call it an obituary but for The Ain't It Cool News they let me do a writeup on my three favorite Flynn movies, ROLLING THUNDER, THE OUTFIT and of course OUT FOR JUSTICE.

4/5/07 I know everybody's gettin ready to see GRINDHOUSE, but if you get a chance I would also recommend checking out THE LOOKOUT which is a small little crime and suspense thriller written and directed by Scott Frank, the guy who wrote OUT OF SIGHT. That is a very positive review I wrote, but if you prefer negativity and pessimism I also wrote a rant about Entertainment Weekly over at The Screengrab.

4/4/07 I hope you guys don't mind, I've cut down on movie watching a little to get more work done on my upcoming tome of groundbreaking cinematistic analysis. But I did finally watch DISTRICT B13 so chew on that for a while. thanks everybody.

4/1/07 They decided LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD should try to be a good movie, so they cut Kevin Smith's wacky computer expert character out of the movie. No just kidding, April Fool's, ha ha.

3/26/07 Hopefully my review of THE HILLS HAVE EYES REMAKE II is more tolerable than my review of part 1. Viva la porno del torture! (I'm trying to reclaim the terminology.)

3/21/07 If anybody cares, I added to the end of that Leprechaun review because I thought of some more ideas for sequels they should do.

3/20/07 I saw Rudy Ray Moore live on his 80th birthday Friday night/Sunday morning. Here is a review.(link fixed - sorry)

3/19/07 BRUCEIt's a little late for St. Patrick's Day, so I'm celebrating Bruce's birthday with a review of the entire LEPRECHAUN series. Unless you count parts 2 and 3, I didn't watch those. Also, over on The Screengrab I wrote a thing about those fucks remaking another John Carpenter picture, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK.

3/14/07 All over the world people are talking about a movie so powerful it can make you rich, improve your hairline and add girth to any organ you feel needs more girth. I am talking of course about THE SECRET, as seen on Oprah. A movie so revolutionary it could change the course of your life forever, or make you laugh at the part with the genie or the guy sitting on a banana.

3/10/07 This was a pretty interesting one, THREE HUNDRED. If you like muscle dudes with swords and spears yelling and chopping off a few heads, this is a pretty decent one. Also for Screengrab I did a write up on what's going on with Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN remake.

3/5/07 Two of my most highly anticipated movies came out this week: Craig Brewer's BLACK SNAKE MOAN and Dave Fincher's ZODIAC. (Sorry David S. Goyer's ZIG ZAG, we have a new end to the alphabet.)

Meanwhile, Bilge Ebiri invited me to do some posts on THE SCREENGRAB which is part of nerve.com, apparently some kind of sex sight. Unfortunately they have not given me a password for the "photography" section so I cannot vouch for the quality of the porno. But the movie "blog" part I do like, they used to quote me there all the time and now I don't know, maybe Bilge got lazy so instead of reading my shit and finding a good part to quote he just has me send it directly to him. Anyway my first post is an attack on the Razzie awards highlighting some times when I would say they clearly got it wrong.

2/22/07 Well, now that THE DEPARTED came out on DVD I got a chance to watch it again, and I finally was able to finish my review. I don't know why but at the time I just didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to say about it. You can be the judge of whether I do now. In other best picture nominee news I decided to check out this BABEL business. And in case you missed it on The Ain't It Cool News I reviewed this week's new Seagal picture FLIGHT OF FURY. If you're looking for a much more in depth and accurate analysis of the movie that compares it to the Michael Dudikoff picture it's a remake of, well then... I don't know, hopefully somebody will write a book about that sort of thing one of these days.

Also Laremy (last name withheld) wanted me to point people toward this bullshit - the Oscar people are suing the lady who has done the oscarwatch web sight forever because they don't think other people should be able to use the word "oscar." I don't know if there is any legal legitimacy to a lawsuit like that, but they know it doesn't matter because the lady obviously can't afford to fight it so she just has to give in.

The premise of the lawsuit is that you, my friend, you personally, and everyone else using the internet right now, are a fucking moron. You are so stupid that when you are looking for the official Oscars (tm, copyright Oscar people forever, this is their word and I bow to them, do not sue) web sight, you will not think to type in "oscars.net" or "oscars.org" or to type the word "oscars" into a search engine. Perhaps you will be thinking "I can't wait to watch the Oscars which are a copyrighted trademark of Oscar Lawsuit Company Inc. in perpetuity forever fuck you" so then you will go to oscarwatch.com instead of the real sights.

Now, that much would be fine except that because of your stupidity you will not look at the home-made looking design of oscarwatch.com or read any of its contents, including the gaudy "Oscars are a registered trademark of blah blah blah" disclaimer at the very top, and you will mistakenly think you are looking at (but not reading) one of their official web sights. And then that would cause some sort of big problem of some kind, not sure exactly what that problem would be but I'm sure it would be pretty fuckin bad.

I gotta say, this really makes them look like a bunch of heartless assholes. I'm sure they considered suing the IMDb for listing the movie "Oscar," but then they realized IMDb had money and would be able to take it to court. So they picked some lady.

Bitch, are you for real? You people need to sit in the corner and have some serious meditation on the topic of how to become respectable citizens of the world who are contributing to art and culture instead of just being a bunch of dipshits that ruin everything. Just because you hang out with celebrities and have giant gold sculptures of a naked bald dude with a sword doesn't mean you should go around ruining people's hard work for no reason.

Remember when the Walt Disney corporation was suing day cares for having murals of Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh? You are that kind of asshole. Don't make any excuses for yourselves, you know it deep down inside. I sentence you to watch CRASH three times in a row and every time there is a corny speech that lays it on too thick you have to drop and do 20 push ups. Afterwards your arms and chest will be toned and I want you to punch yourself in the face as hard as you can manage. Then you have to leave Los Angeles for one week and have real conversations with at least 5 people who don't have agents. And then you have to write me an essay about what you learned. And you can't wear your lobot phone while you're doing any of this. If I see you even reaching for your blackberry I'm gonna bang that shit with a rock until you start crying. You're all fired. Fuck you. etc.

otherwise good job, thanks oscars

2/17/07 I was just kidding about critics screenings, I never been to one in my life. So the sad news is that I paid money for GHOST RIDER, and it wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. Learn from my mistake, friends. Stay home, read a book, enjoy a cool breeze, eat a sandwich, pet a horse. You're worth it.

2/16/07 I know you all want to see reviews of the current releases, but they weren't screening GHOST RIDER for critics so instead I just reviewed Chilean mime and tarot expert Alejandro Jodorowsky's 1973 psychedelic masterpiece HOLY MOUNTAIN.

2/12/07 If you saw a movie at the video store called BALLBUSTER, and it was in the action section not the adult entertainment area, I think you would rent it too. Also I reviewed one that you might actually be able to see, BLACK CAESAR.

2/11/07 By newsie request I did a review of the recently released GYMKATA dvd. And continuing with the theme of notorious American martial arts crap I also got a review of ELEKTRA starring Jennifer Garner (Felicity).

2/7/07 Today is Alejandro Jodorowsky's birthday, and coincidentally he directed, wrote and starred in the movie I am reviewing today, EL TOPO. This review is dedicated to Matt A. who reminded me it was playing in my area this week and told me I should review it.

2/2/07 Well, I keep striving, but any excellence in my LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA review is probaly residual excellence from the movie itself. Oh well, you can't win em all. Also I reviewed CRAZED COP starring Ivan Rogers. You know. Ivan Rogers.

1/27/07 I'm taking my time trying to write a decent review of LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA (spoiler: I liked it alot) but while you wait, here are some thoughts on another important work, CONNORS' WAR starring Treach.

1/22/07 I never was as big on Sylvester Stallone as everybody else, but I gotta admit the guy is good. So I offer you this double header of 1993's CLIFFHANGER and last month's ROCKY BALBOA.

1/20/07 My associates over at the cinemarati.org are unveiling our awards for the top movies of 2006. It's a good list, I like most of the stuff we picked. Instead of doing it all in one chunk they unveil a new one every day and today was #17, MIAMI VICE, which I did the write up for. I'll be doing another upcoming writeup, I don't think I can say what it is but it is not SEE NO EVIL, that did not get onto the list for some reason. (spoiler)

1/18/07 If you're looking for a good neighborhood to move into, SNOOP DOGG'S HOOD OF HORROR might not be too bad.

1/9/07 As a tribute to the achievements of Mayan civilization as well as the aliens who they hang with now, I present to you my review of APOCALYPTO. Also, if you missed it I reviewed the straight to video WALKING TALL: THE PAYBACK (also includes review of the original sequel PART 2 WALKING TALL).

1/1/07 Happy new Year to everybody who is reading this sentence. fuck all those other guys though. I got a new tellin' it like it is column today addressing the following 3 (three) issues and concerns:

1. James Brown, R.I.P.

2. My picks for my favorite movies of 2006

3. My New Year's resolution

that's it, thanks

12/31/06 CHILDREN OF MEN. Believe me, you don't want to miss this one. (the movie, not the review.)

p.s. Happy New Year. New column coming soon.

12/24/06 I don't got nothin too exciting for you yet, but I reviewed the new Wayne Ewing/Hunter S. Thompson documentary FREE LISL. I hope everybody is having good holidays and what not. Watch DIE HARD if you get a chance.

12/14/06 I been sick as a dog (a dog that happens to be sick) but I can finally lift my head long enough to write that review of Seagal's ATTACK FORCE that everybody's been asking for. And what the hell, LETHAL WEAPON too.

12/8/06 Somehow I managed to do a super-early review of Joe (NARC) Carnahan's new silly crime movie, SMOKIN' ACES.

12/6/06 Celebrate the holidays with Gary Busey in THE GINGERDEAD MAN.

12/1/06 I recommend TURISTAS. Or to be more specific, if you are looking for a horror-ish thriller that comes out today that's really not that bad, yet at the same time not that good either, I recommend TURISTAS!

11/27/06 Sorry about the hiatus there. I hope all you Americans had a good Thanksgiving, all you non-Americans had a good Thursday, November 23rd, and all you Native Americans forgive us. What can we say, sweet potatoes are good.

Here are some new reviews. A good one in theaters: SHUT UP AND SING. A bad one coming soon to video: CRANK. An I'm-not-sure one not available at all: MR. NO LEGS.

11/17/06 I'm not a James Bond fan but I thought CASINO ROYALE was a good one.

11/7/06 The house, maybe the senate? Is it too early to summon the ewoks? Well don't start drumming on the storm trooper helmets quite yet. The first bad news of the new Democratic era: that new BOBBY movie sucks if you ask me.

11/3/06 I'd rather be writing movie reviews, but it had to be done: I got a new VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS for you. Sorry.

10/24/06 A little late on this one but I got a double-header review of Friday's new ones, MARIE ANTOINETTE and THE PRESTIGE. And, catching up on some of the DVDs I've watched lately, I got that Paul Walker movie RUNNING SCARED and the freaky Dario Argento bugfest PHENOMENA.

10/18/06 Sorry for the delay, but finally I got my review of this Oscar season's most anticipated picture: THE MARINE from WWE Films.

10/11/06 The Chainsaw binge is finally over, so here's a little known independent drama called LAST NIGHT AT THE ALAMO. It has nothing to do with Texas Chain Saw other than being another independent movie from Texas. And also because TCSM co-writer Kim Henkel wrote it. And also because it stars Chainsaw 2's Lou Perryman. Ah, shit. Well, try this then. I also got an early review of Clint's new one FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS. 100% chainsaw free.

10/10/06 Okay, now I reviewed the new DVD of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, which I'm as obsessed with as the original. But don't worry, that's it. That ends my two weeks of Chainsaw writing. In two weeks I've written up every Chainsaw movie other than the remake, and I already said my piece on that. So don't worry, it's time to move on to something completely different. Starting with SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE, which is about a killer with a power drill. Not a chainsaw. Chainsaws cut in a line, drills do a hole through something. It's a completely different tool.

(seriously, non-horror reviews coming soon.)

10/7/06 Here's the link to that Chainsaw: The Phantom Menace review.

10/6/06 I sent my crazed late night review of the chainsaw prequel to The Ain't It Cool News last night, but I think they're having server problems or something. I assume it'll be on there some time today. I'm also gonna be reviewing the new CHAINSAW 2 dvd as soon as I can, but don't worry, if you would rather not hear the word "chainsaw" for two or three years I will have some normal, non-power tool related reviews one of these days. I hear Scorsese has a new one, for example. I'm sure I'll see something without skinning and cannibalism.

10/5/06 Following up on the review from the other day I re-watched and reviewed TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (part 4). If you're anxious to find out if I hate the new prequel, I'm hoping to have a review of it on The Ain't It Cool by early Friday. I'll keep you updated.

10/3/06 What could be more timely in 2006 than a review of 1990's LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III?

10/1/06 In honor of last Tuesday's DVD release of CHAOS, I checked out another David "The Demon" DeFalco joint, POINT DOOM starring Richard Grieco. (I believe it was the talkbacker Chickychow who recommended that one, so thanks Chickychow.) Also, continuing with the revenge pictures, the second best Swedish revenge film I've seen recently is definitely THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (aka THEY CALL HER ONE EYE).

9/29/06 Apparently Jill Wagner, the female lead in my favorite TV show BLADE: THE SERIES said on her "myspace" teen friendship page that the show has been cancelled, murdered, staked, not picked up, whatever. Also, the guy who plays Blade's sidekick Shen has one of those pages too and on his it states that he is currently working at Jamba Juice.

So if you have a minute, do me a favor. Go to this Spike TV page, click on the "feedback" link in the upper right hand corner, and write them a note.

possible strategies:

1. Be very polite and tell them how disappointed you are and you're gonna cry

2. Call them pussies and tell them you knew they didn't have the balls to do another season (after all it's "THE FIRST NETWORK FOR MEN")

3. The psychological approach: claim that you heard they renewed the show and tell them how proud you are of them and they can finally hold their heads up high as employees of a network that did something so right

4. Tell them you're pissed that that insane detainee bill actually passed in the Senate and between that and BLADE getting cancelled you have given up on America.


9/28/06 I know, I should be a good citizen and see that important new documentary JACKASS 2, but instead this week I saw JET LI'S FEARLESS. Also earlier in the week I did a review of the latest DVD release of THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE.

9/25/06 Since I watched the PREDATOR movies not too long ago, I decided to finally bite the bullet and try ALIEN VS. PREDATOR. In other news, October is coming up, and when it's October it usually means Halloween is coming up. So I've been trying to watch more horror movies to get a Halloween vibe going. One miscalculation though: I picked a horror movie about Christmas. Oh well. It's BLACK CHRISTMAS.

9/21/06 Did you know they released that documentary that Wayne Ewing (BREAKFAST WITH HUNTER director) did about the making of the Gonzo Memorial statue that they fired Hunter Thompson's remains out of? Turns out they did, so I reviewed it. And then I watched Tobe Hooper's sort-of-remake of THE TOOLBOX MURDERS.

9/15/06 I did it again friends, two brand new opening today reviews: DePalma's BLACK DAHLIA and The Rock's GRIDIRON GANG. Also for extra credit I got an obscure Craig Baxley picture called UNDER PRESSURE. And, well, shit... while I'm at it I might as well throw on an epic-length, angry attack on 50 Cent and his movie GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN'. Why not? That's what I do.

9/8/06 I'm so on top of things that I have reviews of two generically titled movies that came out today: THE PROTECTOR (Tony Jaa) and THE COVENANT (Renny Harlin).

9/7/06 And now I would like to honor Mr. Snake Plissken with my piece on his escapes from both NEW YORK and L.A.

9/6/06 Now that I have safely latched the Doorway To True Evil, wedged a chair beneath the door knob and crossed over to the other side of the room, we are able to finally get down to the serious business of PREDATOR 2.

9/3/06 Geez, I really didn't think anybody would give a shit about that CHAOS review, but it got the biggest reaction of anything I've ever written (thanks partly to the participation of director Dave the Demon and producer Steven Jay Bernheim in the talkbacks, which are still going today). Now I'm afraid to post anything because it will seem anti-climactic after that. So what I'm gonna do here is slowly back out of the Doorway to True Evil by writing up a couple of related movies: 1961 Academy Award winner for Best Foreign Film THE VIRGIN SPRING and 1978 Catalonian International Film Festival Medal Winner for Best Actress I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE.

8/28/06 I hope nobody is disappointed that I turned down the wrestling challenge I got today from CHAOS director Dave "The Demon" DeFalco. If I have misled anyone to think that I am good at wrestling then I regret the error and apologize for the inconvenience and all that. Still, this is my first wrestling challenge so far so I feel that I am progressing as a serious writer. Ebert only got a rebuttal, I got a wrestling challenge, so I must be getting pretty respectable in my opinion. By the way, Michael Bay, if you're wondering - no, I will not race Ferraris with you.

8/27/06 I got a new essay on The Ain't It Cool News which is a review of the DVD for CHAOS, a LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT ripoff that is mildly famous for getting zero stars from Roger Ebert. If that doesn't sound interesting to you though please be aware that in his introduction Moriarty (MASTERS OF HORROR) claims that "This is not the best review Vern has ever written. This is the best review anyone has ever written." Eat that, Shalit.

8/23/06 By popular demand I finally reviewed one of my favorite movies, #89 on the Badass 100, John Carpenter's THEY LIVE. Also I got a quick review of the small horror/suspense/thriller thing HARD CANDY.

8/21/06 Well, I hate to bum anybody out, but here is my long, painful breakup letter to SNAKES ON A PLANE.

8/19/06 Nope, I haven't seen that movie yet, I have to take a few days to get into the proper mental conditioning. But I do have a review some of you have requested, a little picture that debuted at #52 on the new Badass 100. It's called PREDATOR.

8/13/06 continued In a new VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS I am trying to set an example to create peace in the middle east. But don't worry, I'm doing it by reviewing two movies.

8/13/06 Over in Texas I got a double-header review: HARD LUCK starring Wesley Snipes, and BLADE: THE SERIES not starring Wesley Snipes.

8/11/06 Ladies and gentlemen, we got 'em. THE BADASS 100 is finally here. Thanks everybody for your help and your patience.

8/8/06 I've also been getting requests to review THE DESCENT, which (like Miami Vice) I was planning on seeing anyway. So here it is, enjoy.


8/7/06 I've been getting requests to review MIAMI VICE just because people can't figure out if they should go or not. After all it's the first legitimate Badass Cinema in a while, but it's gettin some pretty bad reviews. Well, I'm not promising all of you will like it, but personally I thought it was real good. Read the review for details.

8/2/06 I reviewed a new comedy called TALLADEGA NIGHTS THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY. Sorry, no Craig Baxley movie for today.

8/1/06 Dear Mel Gibson: I have an open letter to you in Vern Tell's It Like It Is. Also Mel, I don't know if you're into Baxley movies, but the Craig R. Baxley movie of the day is I COME IN PEACE aka DARK ANGEL. Thanks to everybody who recommended that one to me.

7/30/06 Obscure action movie of the day: FIRESTORM, starring former football star Howie Long as a parachuting fire fighter. I forget who suggested this one to me a while back, but whoever you are, thank you.

7/29/06 Famed pervert Larry Clark is back, accompanied by seven Latino skate punks from South Central, and the only question you will have to ask is WASSUP ROCKERS?

7/25/06 Well it's not as important as my explorations of TORQUE or the works of Craig R. Baxley, but it is more current: M. Night Shyamalan's LADY IN THE WATER by M. Night Shyamalan.

7/22/06 I got a groundbreaking new review/essay for you entitled TORQUE and the rise of the American Furious Movement. So you might want to get that Exceptional Achievement in Criticism award ready for me.

7/21/06 How bout some Carl Weathers to cool you off during the heatwave? Ladies and gentlemen, Craig R. Baxley's ACTION JACKSON.

7/17/06 For those interested in comic strips and/or Lundgrenics: I finally watched Dolph's old 1989 production of THE PUNISHER. Not great, but it has some interesting touches.

7/16/06 A couple World Badass Committee updates. First of all, I'm still calculating the Badass 100 totals. Thank you for your patience. Second of all, WBC member representing the UK Paul T. wrote to me about DIE HARD 4 and he's pretty worried about this one due to the combination of the director and the story details that have been discussed (computer hackers). He writes:

"I think your review of Underworld 2 hit the nail on the head. This kid does not have the sand to make a worthy Die Hard.

So, who does?

I think some sort of official survey/petition should be spearheaded by the international baddass collective. Call upon the wise and true visitors to your sight and rally them to the cause: 'Save John McClane'.

Once a suitable momentum has gathered we can recruit the foaming-mouthed beserkers of AICN to our quest.

If not us, who?

If not now, when?

We can't be good germans and just allow this atrocity to come to pass without an iconoclastic shout of protest.

We owe John that at least."

Well I'm not sure I'm the one to organize something like that, but I do wonder what everybody's thoughts are. First of all, do you think this guy might be able to pull it off, but more importantly, who would you rather have in the director's chair, if it's not McTiernan? I haven't thought of anybody yet. If you got any ideas, let me know.

7/15/06 This one's going out to IamLegolas. I watched UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION as part of my research into the guy directing DIE HARD 4.

7/7/06 We don't just review new releases here, we also try to go back and investigate the classics and the obscurities that we might've missed before. Which is why today we celebrate Academy Award nominated director John Singleton's 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.

7/6/06 Today I got two brief fighter related reviews. First I thought I should review THE STREET FIGHTER since I've been on this Sonny Chiba kick. And second, I updated my old review of COCKFIGHTER now that I've read the book.

And hey man, if anybody happens to think this here is Seattle's best web sight, perhaps that person should vote for it on the Seattle Weekly Best of Seattle poll. That's what I think would be a good thing to do in that situation, anyway. If it ever comes up.

7/3/06 Today is the tenth anniversary of The Ain't It Cool News. I contributed to a tenth anniversary deal they did which is for some reason choosing ten movies that describe America.

7/1/6 No matter how hard I try I always end up seeing the big nerd pictures, and this one's in 3-D so how am I gonna avoid it? I am talking about a picture called SUPERMAN RETURNS.

6/27/06 Continuing the Sonny Chiba theme I thought I would review THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT. And then continuing on the car theme is my review of CARS.

6/26/06 Okay enough of that shit, it's back to watching good movies now. I finished out Sonny Chiba's trilogy: KARATE BEAR FIGHTER and KARATE FOR LIFE.

6/25/06 In lieu of something good, I reviewed the upcoming DTV sequel I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER over on the ain't it cool place.

6/21/06 Don't worry, the BADASS 100 is still on the way. I'm almost done getting all the ballots together, but then the math begins. To tide you over I scoured the earth for an obscure action movie that would make you smile with its ridiculous title alone. And I came up with one called HARDCASE AND FIST. And while we're at it how bout KARATE BULLFIGHTER starring Sonny Chiba?

6/19/06 I only do movies that start with 'S' now. Over on the Ain't It Cool I have a two month early review of the new Michel Gondry picture, THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP. But just so you don't think I'm a sissy for that one I also got the review you demanded, the review you expected, the review you couldn't figure out why I didn't already have last week: Steven Seagal's SHADOW MAN.

6/18/6 I got a review of A SCANNER DARKLY over on the Ain't It Cool. Also happy fathers day, unless you're some kind of deadbeat, in which case never mind.

p.s. Never fear, the SHADOW MAN review is almost done

6/6/06 Okay I guess it's the sixth of sixty six or whatever so you're supposed to do demonic shit. How about an evil samurai? SWORD OF DOOM, people.

Remember, badass 100 ballots are due by midnight tomorrow. Tip: I'm gonna be out of town for a couple days anyway so I won't notice if it's late. But hurry. Especially if you've seen EIGHT DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER it is your duty to vote in this thing because we don't got quite enough votes on that one for it to qualify.

6/3/06 Yippee kai yay, motherfucker! I watched UNDERWORLD for important research purposes.

6/1/06 The director of Equilibrium. The star of Stone Cold. Former Seattle Seahawk Brian Bosworth is ONE TOUGH BASTARD.

By the way, I keep forgetting to thank my bud Laremy for plugging me at the end of episode 8 of his Rope of Silocon podcast. And I got mentioned again in episode 9. I guess podcasting is the future or something so if you have a podcast please mention me and I will owe you a high five or something.

Some restrictions may apply. Offer good only during my lifetime and while I have at least 1 (one) functional hand. Cash value 1/100 of one cent.

5/29/06 I got a letter from my man Vinod in Oman and I realized, shit, if this is the World Badass Committee compiling the new Badass 100, I oughta include a list of what countries everybody's from. So if you are working on a ballot, please add your country of residence on there somewhere. And if you already sent one, please drop me a line when you get a chance to let me know where you are. thanks.

5/28/06 The new VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS is about my experiences seeing Steven Seagal play the blues here in Seattle. I'm sure alot of people are curious what the hell that is like, as I was before I saw it for myself. If you don't want to read a detailed analysis of everything from the demographic makeup of the audience that goes to see Seagal play guitar to the quality of his guitar face, you better skip this one. But I think it's valuable to share my experiences with fellow Seagalogists and also keep a record of it for future generations.

5/26/06 continued. Ladies and gentlemen, we got it. I think I'm the first person in the world to review ROAD HOUSE 2.

5/26/06 I would like to thank the U.S. Senate for overwhelmingly confirming the dude who oversaw the fucking NSA PHONE TAPPING OF ALL AMERICANS as the new head of the CIA. I'm sure he'll do better this time. Instead of sending him a card or some flowers or something I guess I'll just congratulate him during my private phone calls. Way to go, big brother.

In a less sarcastic thank you, I would like to thank everybody who's sent in a BADASS 100 vote. I think we already got alot more votes than last time so it will be a much more accurate reflection of the opinions of the Badass Film Community. Adding the data together is such a huge pain in the ass that I haven't been able to respond to each voter individually, so please consider this a personal thank you and a high five or a man-hug or something.

5/24/06 I almost forgot to link to my review of BRETT RATNER'S X-MEN 3 BY BRETT RATNER. I am actually standing up against nerd culture and declaring that it is a good movie if you're like me, you like the other two movies and don't give two shits if the one guy uses magic crystal powers and flies into space like he apparently did in the famous comic pamphlets of yesteryear.

5/22/06 The time has come. I got a menacingly large ballot for everyone to fill out so we can create the new Badass 100. Here it is.

5/21/06 Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and cut off the Badass 100 nominations right now and start working on the ballot. If you got more it's fine, please send them and I'll most likely be able to fit them in. But at this point it's like the future of American democracy - not guaranteed.

5/19/06 I guess you're supposed to review THE VINCI CODE today, but you guys know how I feel about Ron Howard, Akiva Goldsman, NATIONAL TREASURE, heavily hyped books that you can buy at Safeway, symbology, etc. Plus, NATIONAL TREASURE looked alot funnier and turned out not to be that fun anyway. So instead I got something WAY better. WWE Films and The Dark Brothers present an exploration of faith, the human spirit and a big bald retarded muscleman pokin out eyeballs. It's called SEE NO EVIL and I am seriously recommending it to enthusiasts of cheesy slasher movies. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it.

Thanks everybody for the Badass 100 nominations. Please try to get any more nominations in as soon as possible. I'll keep taking late entries up until I've posted the ballot, but I want to get that process rolling. thanks.

5/16/06 continued. Today I got quick reviews of two oldies, MCCABE AND MRS. MILLER by Robert Altman and CODE OF SILENCE by Chuck Norris. Also keep those Badass 100 nominations coming.

5/16/06 Okay, enough fuckin around. The time has come. We're gonna update THE BADASS 100. What I want you to do is look over the original Badass 100 real quick and figure out what's missing. Movies we overlooked or even ones that have come out since then. Don't worry about the ones that had no business being on there. Those we'll weed out soon when we re-rate all the nominees.

A couple changes this time around. I'm gonna try to go back to the badass auteur theory so I want you to include the badass that makes the movie worthwhile. For example if it was STANDER please write "STANDER (Tom Jane)." Or if it's more than one badass you can write "THE GREAT ESCAPE (ensemble)" or whatever.

Also, this time you are allowed to nominate a whole series. For example, BABYCART IN PERIL is on the old list but I'm gonna throw in the entire LONE WOLF AND CUB for a separate vote. You can do it both ways. A particular movie from a series, or the whole series. Whatever you want.

Now, I think you know my definition of badass, and I know some of you are still gonna try to pull some funny business like Lassie is a badass or Ted Danson on cheers or some weirdo crap like that. That's okay, if you have a different definition you can do it. But I reserve the right to veto it if I really don't want it on there. If I'm in a charitable mood I may ask you for a justification first so if you're positive I'm gonna want to veto your choice you can go ahead and include your rationale along with the nomination. Take your best shot.

please send your nominations to outlawvern-at-hotmail-dot-com c/o World Badass Committee International Headquarters


5/15/06 Terry Zwigoff's got a new one, ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL, and if you ask me it's way better than everybody's telling you. Go ahead, ask me. That's what I'm gonna say.

5/11/06 You know what was another good sequel besides Mission I:3, was an older one called THE GODFATHER PART II. Or G-2 for short.

5/6/06 Hey look, a new release. MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE. PART:3.

5/4/06 Well this is not exactly a current topic that's gonna set the world on fire, but if you like reading reviews anyway, here is a review of the movie ROAD TO PERDITION starring actor Tom Hanks (MAZES AND MONSTERS).

5/3/06 Hey everybody. Sorry for the lack of updates - I am trying to go completely out for justice as far as making progress on SEAGALOGY. I do have a couple new reviews in the works though and today I got an early review of AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH, the documentary about Al Gore doing a slide show about global warming.

4/21/06 On Tuesday, while S. Seagal's MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE was being put out on the shelves, I was suffering one of those electronical emergencies. My computer crashed and when I turned it back on the little desk top icon that represents my trusty external hard drive machine had disappeared. Turns out the fucking rat was not as trusty as I had previously believed and in fact had just died.

The trouble with this is not just the money but the fact that the motherfucker housed the entirety of what I've written of SEAGALOGY so far. I had thought about backing it up on a CD disc a thousand times but since I'm always adding to it I thought what's the point, it'll be out of date as soon as I burn it. That logic was not seeming so air tight on Tuesday when I was considering whether or not I could look at my notes and reconstruct 3 or 4 years worth of writing.

$99 and a bunch of panicked tinkering later, I was able to recover all the files that made up SEAGALOGY. And I think there are two lessons you can take out of this incident.

1. For God's sake they're not kidding when they tell you to back up your shit

2. Seagalogy is HARD TO KILL.

Anyway I have overcome the trauma and I got two new horror movie reviews up in texas. The first one is a bigfoot movie directed by Lalo Schifrin's son called ABOMINABLE. The second one is the crazy fuckin Pac-Man based SILENT HILL.

4/15/06 Here's a little different type of movie for me to review: GROUNDHOG DAY. Here's a little different type of movie for me to review: GROUNDHOG DAY.

4/14/06 I decided to check out that new movie BRICK starring a bunch of tough talking whippersnappers. Also did straight to video HOLLOW MAN II a couple days ago.

By the way, a big fuckin THANKS ALOT, PAL to the individual who added "Vern is not a real person" to the wikipedia entry I was previously so proud of. So what am I a robot? A puppet? Come on man I work too hard for this kind of treatment. UPDATE: I didn't realize you could see the history of who wrote what on there, it turns out that was submitted by some young philosopher from Ontario who I'm not familiar with. And now it disappeared and somebody added the Guillermo del Toro blurb. I don't understand how these things work so I'll just stay out of it and try to be a man about it and not fly off the handle. The handle needs me.

4/8/06 Anybody here ever seen a movie called THE GODFATHER? It's not bad, I'd say maybe check it out some time.

4/7/06 No updates for you today but I had to share this. Today I was working on the Out of Reach chapter of Seagalogy, and I had to refer to wikipedia for a summary of Jack London's Call of the Wild. (Long story.) As long as I was there I decided to see what their entry on Seagal said. It's pretty thorough so good job whoever wrote that one.

The part that surprised me though is when I got to the section that talked about Seagalogy and how I am the creator of the field, and it also linked to an entry on me. That's right motherfuckers, I'm on wikipedia. It's not as long as Gene Shalit's entry, but only because he made a stupid comment about gay people when he reviewed Brokeback Mountain. And I don't resort to those type of tactics.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I got in there but I would like to thank God and whoever else is responsible for this great honor. Also I would like to dedicate it to Richard Pryor and Curtis Mayfield and to peace in the middle east.

4/5/06 I saw THE ICE HARVEST. Not much else to report.

4/2/06 Today seems like as good a day as any to review DOOM. Also I reviewed that new horror/comedy movie SLITHER over on The Ain't It Cool. It's kind of like that snakeman movie SSSSSSSSSSSS! except with a different plot and style. Also SLITHER is not about snakes. If it was it would be called SSSSSSSSSLITHER!. To be honest there is no connection at all but sometimes it is worth addressing these sorts of topics anyway, just to clear the air or something.

3/29/06 Jonathan Lee tipped me off to this movie MEAN GUNS because it's action with a mambo score instead of the usual techno. The stars are Christopher Lambert and Ice-T, so you can imagine the kind of movie we're dealing with.

3/27/06 The best dumb action movie of last year? TRANSPORTER 2 may just fit the bill.

3/26/06 If you're into current movie reviews, maybe you should read my piece on Spike Lee's INSIDE MAN. We're not talking an old Van Damme movie, this is the big movie of the week and it only came out two days ago. Very professional of me to do that, in my opinion. But I also finally got my review of THE HILLS HAVE EYES remake. This movie obsessed me so much I had way too much I wanted to say about it and I've been working on this review for weeks, starting over more than once, trying to write something that makes sense to somebody from the planet earth. Hopefully I did okay on that score.

3/23/06 Sorry about that Larry the Cable Guy and Health Inspector rant the other day. To make up for it, here is my latest study of Jean-Claude Van Damme: DESERT HEAT, aka COYOTE MOON.

p.s. I would like to point out that I was into SNAKES ON A PLANE way before it was cool. I wrote about it long before they started trying to turn it into a grass roots phenomenon or whatever the deal is now. So I wonder if maybe New Line Cinema could send me a t-shirt with that awesome new logo on it where there's snakes wrapped around a plane. It's the least you could do fellas. Are you honorable men or are you not? Let's make this happen.

3/20/06 Today's random review is FORMULA 51, aka THE 51st STATE. That's the Ronny Yu movie where Samuel L. Jackson wears a kilt and teams up with Robert Carlyle. Thanks to Paul for the recommendation.

By the way, I got a couple questions about this LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR movie that's coming out. Why the double occupation in the title? Which is it, man, is this guy a cable guy or is he a health inspector? It must be one or the other. If he's a health inspector now then why isn't he a cable guy anymore? Did he get fired? If he got fired why the fuck did they hire him as a health inspector? He goes around with "cable guy" all over his fuckin resume and the dipshit got fired for dicking around. I'm guessing he doesn't have too hard of a work ethic for the cable installing or anything else because, let's face it, he's obviously not spending more than five or ten minutes a day on his comedy routine. Just because he hired someone to cut the sleeves off of his shirt doesn't mean he's working class.

But maybe he didn't get fired at all, maybe he was installing cable just as his day job while he worked to get his degree in health inspecting. Or he could be both a cable guy and a health inspector at the same time, alot of people work two jobs to make ends meet. But if that's the case then shouldn't it be LARRY THE CABLE GUY/HEALTH INSPECTOR or LARRY THE CABLE GUY AND HEALTH INSPECTOR? When are we gonna get some more thorough copy editing in these fucking movie titles? Also, if he's such a good cable guy then why can't he install a package for me where his phoney redneck schtick doesn't keep showing up uninvited on my TV? If I wanted to watch some corny actor pretend to be a hayseed I'd watch Red Green on the Canada channel. I mean geez, when is zombie Jim Varney gonna come take a bite out of this fucker? I don't think I can wait much longer.

3/17/06 I'm not Irish, so I like to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by reviewing V FOR VENDETTA. I also have for you the very first review in the whole world of a movie called PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS starring Will Smith. Take that, Leonard Maltin.

3/15/06 Today I got a review of a weirdass religious movie by William Peter Blatty, THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (thanks to Sean for the suggestion). Also I just did SECOND IN COMMAND which is an upcoming DTV starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

3/12/06 Since my last review was a Truly Great Movie, I decided this time to write about two mediocre movies from two legends. First we got Bruce in 16 BLOCKS* and then we have Dolph's directorial debut, THE DEFENDER**.

*includes tangental bonus rant about the upcoming movie FLIGHT 93

**Special thanks to the nice person who reminded me about THE DEFENDER. But I couldn't find the email so now I forgot who it was.

3/9/06 First Great Movie of 2006 alert: DAVE CHAPPELLE'S BLOCK PARTY. Seriously, if you haven't considered seeing this, it's time to consider. Also I just got interviewed by a Seattle web sight called Seattlest. Because I am the Seattlest guy they could find. I think it's like BET or Lifetime Television For Women though, you're allowed to read it even if you're not from Seattle. Or at least they can't stop you.

3/6/06 CRASH? Are you fucking kidding me? Did I really just see that? Some post oscar thoughts.

2/26/06 Gotta leave town for a couple days so I'll leave you with an un-proofread (even by my standards) column. By popular demand, the angry political rant is back. It's hard to keep up with what's going on in the world so I have combined Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face, the domestic spying scandal and the port security scandal all into one satisfying pile of words.

2/25/06 I finally got off my ass and saw THE THREE BURIALS OF MELQUIADES ESTRADA. If you are a fan of the films of badass cinema I recommend you also get off your ass. Also I just added a short review of a Steve McQueen movie, THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR.

2/24/06 I don't know if anybody wants to read this, but I got a review of a straight to video documentary called BLACK AND BLUE: LEGENDS OF THE HIP HOP COP.

2/17/06 You know what movie I'm excited about? Let me tell you. A while back I reviewed this old Tommy Lee Jones movie called THE PARK IS MINE. I mentioned in the review how it was based on a book and the guy who wrote the book didn't have too many movies he was involved in but he did happen to be the guy who wrote the brilliant script for WILD THINGS. Well now Scott Peters (WILD THINGS) is back with a movie called BACKSTABBERS. It will be directed by John McNaughton (WILD THINGS) and is expected to star Neve Campbell (WILD THINGS) and Denise Richards (WILD THINGS). I don't know about you but to me this is great news, a chance to make up for that WILD THINGS 2-3 bullshit and have another great fucked up ridiculous over-the-top sleazy crime thriller masterpiece. Warning to nerds: if this movie is bad, it will be my PHANTOM MENACE. You will not hear the end of it. That is a promise.

Anyway here's a review of a shitty late '90s crime movie I saw called THURSDAY starring Thomas Jane.

2/14/06 I'm a little behind schedule here but I got my review of BUBBLE, Steve Soderbergh's new movie/DVD/cable show. Also in case you missed it I had a couple Ain't It Cool pieces this week: 2001 MANIACS and of course the Walt Disney heroic snow dogs movie EIGHT BELOW INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY. Warning: they don't actually have that line about there being "eight heroes out there" in the movie.

2/6/06 I think you can probaly sense that I got an angry political rant boiling in my blood. But while it percolates all I have to offer is some horse shit I wrote about the Super Bowl.

2/1/06 Okay, so I was off on a couple of those oscar nomination predictions. For example, it turns out Snoop Dogg was not eligible for BOSS'N UP because it was not released theatrically. And Bush only mentioned freedom 17 times in the State of the Union, not more than 20 like I guessed. I feel like a real chump for not predicting that he would mention the danger of "human-animal hybrids" in his speech. I try to be on top of that kind of thing. (Actually I thought I imagined that, but I checked the transcript and he really said it. And here I thought I was the only one obsessed with the Frankenheimer/Brando version of The Island of Dr. Moreau. I finally have something in common with that asshole.) Oh well, I never said I was a fortune teller.

1/30/05 They announce the Oscar nominations tomorrow morning so I'm gonna give my predictions in case you're gambling or what have you. I'll give my predictions for all the nominees and highlight the one I think will win. (Not necessarily deserves to win, but will win.)


BEST DIRECTOR: Ang Lee, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN; George Clooney, GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK; David Cronenberg, CRASH; the guy who did THE PUNISHER, if that was this year; Johnny Cash, WALK THE LINE

BEST ACTOR: Joaquin Phoenix, WALK THE LINE; P.S. Hoffman, CAPOTE; Viggo Mortensen, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE; King Kong, KING KONG; Snoop Dogg, BOSS'N UP

BEST ACTRESS: not awarded this year

SUPPORTING ACTOR: William Hurt, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE; Daniel Craig, MUNICH; Mario Van Peeble's, CARLITO'S WAY: RISE TO POWER; somebody else who's British or possibly American; Paul Giamatti, SEABISCUIT

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: pick somebody from CRASH, I don't give a shit

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: fat albert maybe, or saw 2, I don't know, but probaly CRASH

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: THE CONSTANT GARDENER (adapted from the novel The Constant Gardener by John Le Carre), BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (adapted from the short story Brokeback Mountain by Anne Proux), CRASH (adapted from the concept Racism, by the citizens of Los Angeles), HOSTEL (based on actual events), GARFIELD'S A TALE OF TWO KITTIES (adapted from the book Ziggy by Charles Dickens)

Some of these like THE CONSTANT GARDENER and BOSS'N UP I haven't actually seen so I'm kind of guessing based on instincts. well we'll see how I did tomorrow.

predictions for State of the Union: some asshole will mention freedom and democracy more than 20 times, he probaly won't explain how unwarranted phone taps fit in though. Also I'm hoping he'll fall on his ass and become enlightened like Sandra Bullock in CRASH.

1/29/06 Now I have a review of the David Cronenberg CRASH. So if you're into sex with leg wounds check it out. Also over on The Ain't It Cool News I reviewed another DTV sequel, a mediocre zombie movie called HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2.

1/27/06 I finally watched CARLITO'S WAY: RISE TO POWER. I'm sure we'll be hearing alot more about this one when it sweeps the Direct to Video Awards, whatever they're called. If there's any justice in the world.

1/25/06 Today I review MINDHUNTERS, which is ludicrous and does not star Terence Howard. I also got a review of MATCH POINT, starring white people.

1/24/06 Today I review CRASH starring Ludacris and Terence Howard.

1/23/06 Today I review HUSTLE & FLOW starring Terence Howard and Ludacris.

1/20/06 I hope nobody is too disappointed in me for this, but for The Ain't It Cool News I wrote a long essay about a cartoon show I actually like, called THE BOONDOCKS.

1/11/06 As part of my striving for excellence pledge, I've decided to start putting "06" instead of "05" on everything. Also I reviewed that new horror movie HOSTEL as well as MUNICH which I'm gonna tell you up front is fuckin great. And along with that I reviewed SWORD OF GIDEON which is the 1986 Steven Bauer tv movie based on the same book that MUNICH is based on.

1/5/06 Check out my new Striving for Excellence logo by Tony Fleecs! Now I have a constant reminder. Never forget. Thanks bud.

1/4/06 Today I got reviews of two not so current pictures. One is HIGH TENSION from last year, the other is THE PARK IS MINE from last 1986.

1/1/06 I got a new column, kind of short, about my new year's resolution and some things I've been up to.

12/31/05 Happy new year everybody. Here's a couple reviews. WALK THE LINE (finally) and WOLF CREEK.

12/17/05 Finally, a great buddy movie in the tradition of 48 HOURS or BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID or something. Ladies and gentlemen, the one you've been waiting for besides BROWN BUNNY, here is my review of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

12/13/05 Possible quote for cover of KING KONG dvd:

"KING KONG, motherfucker. KING KONG. That's all I got to say." --Vern, The Ain't It Cool News.

I'm not sure what that means but check out my review

12/12/05 Holy shit, a review for a movie that actually came out less than a week ago (at least here in Seattle). Here is SYRIANA.

12/11/05 My highly researched, long in the making and by now probaly irrelevant review of that movie JARHEAD. fuck.

12/10/05 You probaly already heard the bad news: Richard Pryor, the greatest comedian of all time, passed away this morning of a heart attack. Here's my new column about it if you want to wallow in sadness with me or get recommendations on the best Richard Pryor pictures to watch.

12/5/05 Best find in a long damn time: BLACKJACK. 1998 TV movie by John Woo. Starring Dolph Lundgren. Believe me, this is something special. In other TV movie news I reviewed Spike Lee's SUCKER FREE CITY as a double header with this Sarah Silverman lady's comedy standup movie, JESUS IS MAGIC.

11/30/05 What's better than a Red Scorpion? How bout a BROWN BUNNY? I mean come on. You can't top that. If you read only one review this year, it oughta be my review of Brown Bunny, don't you think?

11/27/05 Here's a rare opportunity to combine two of my main interests: sinister republican scandals and shitty action movies. The movie that does this is RED SCORPION, starring Dolph Lundgren and produced by notorious republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff. No shit. Next thing you know we're gonna find out Karl Rove did an uncredited rewrite on MISSING IN ACTION 3.

Also if you missed it I reviewed this movie called THE ESCAPIST, a little known British revenge thriller from 2001 that's coming street to video here in the US.

11/20/05 Hey everybody, I wrote a new column. It may or may not be more angry unfocused ranting about the war, torture policies and other terrible things that will bum you out. Unless it is about good things like tits, etc. Hard to say unless you read it.

11/17/05 I am proud to announce that Steven Seagal's first picture, ABOVE THE LAW, will be playing this Thanksgiving weekend on American Movie Classics. What this means, in my opinion, is that ABOVE THE LAW is officially an American movie classic. A classic movie created in or around America. This puts it in an elite group with CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, AMERICAN GRAFFITI and THE GRADUATE, which will also be playing on Friday. It also puts it alongside DR T & THE WOMEN and LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO which will be playing the day before. Congratulations to Steven Seagal, the cast and crew of ABOVE THE LAW, and of course everyone who has ever watched ABOVE THE LAW more than once.

11/17/5 Thanks for checking in, unfortunately all I got today is a review of ROLL BOUNCE, a rollerskating movie starring a young gentleman named "Bow Wow." So I guess you can go back to suicide girls or whatever you were looking at before you came here. sorry

11/9/05 If there's any completists out there that read my CANDYMAN review a week or so ago, you might be interested in my new piece about CANDYMEN 2-3.

11/7/5 My new piece is a DIVORCE DOUBLE FEATURE of THE SQUID AND THE WHALE and THE WEATHER MAN. Also I forgot to link to my review of another new Seagal picture, BLACK DAWN.

Which reminds me I want to thank Andrew J. from Melbourne for pointing me to a web sight I didn't know about called SEAGALOLOGY.COM. This is kind of a bummer to me obviously because the title and premise is very similar to my book SEAGALOGY that I've been working on for, what, must be three years now. And I definitely believe the guy has been influenced by my works and if I'm right about that it would be nice if he acknowledged me or replied to my email. Because of manners.

But after looking over some of the sight I realized there's really nothing to be upset about. We're in the same field of research but we have completely opposite approaches and philosophies. It seems to me that he is coming from the angle of purely making fun of Seagal. I genuinely love Seagal's movies, from the completely awesome (OUT FOR JUSTICE) to the completely silly (ON DEADLY GROUND). It is a delicate balance of laughing, understanding and paying respect to, not just picking on a fat guy with a pony tail. So it will be pretty different.

And it also seems to me that the Seagalology approach is a cursory glance at the movies based on plot summaries from other web sights. He isn't even dedicated enough to watch the actual movies. I'm not saying he doesn't know what he's talking about (although I did notice a few errors). But on alot of the summaries he says that things "apparently" happen which means he's not even pretending to have watched them. Maybe he wants you to know that he hasn't.

Now I'm not trying to say that's a bad approach, or lazy, or an academic fraud or nothing. The last thing I want to do is spark a deadly feud between the serious field of Seagalogy and the snake oil quackery of Seagalology. But I just want to assure you that mine is about attention to detail. Trust me, I'm goin deep. I don't even want to give examples because now I'm gettin paranoid about academic espionage. My goal since day 1 has been to study each one of these movies closer than any sane person would, come out the other end alive and then present my findings. So it's taking longer but for me anyway it will be worth the wait. Hopefully somebody will agree.

And really, more competition in the field of Seagalogy can only mean stronger work. So this should be exciting for all fans of cinema studies and direct to video theory.

10/30/05 For Halloween I got CANDYMAN but if you don't celebrate then you can read my new VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS column. Something about some guy named Scooter something.

10/27/05 In my continuing search for straight to video gems, I have discovered INFESTED: THE INVASION OF THE KILLER BUGS, written and directed by the guy who wrote A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE. Also over on The Ain't It Cool News I reviewed A LEGEND OF ZORRO and somehow the talkback turned into an obnoxious political debate. Sorry about that.

10/26/05 Is anybody else thinking about making a "Happy Indictments" cake? Ah man, this could be an exciting week. Ewoks, take your places. Anyway, while we're waiting, here's another review in the oscar bait series: CAPOTE.

10/24/05 Pssst, hey Oscars. Check out this wiggly snack I got on a hook for you. It's called GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK by Mr. George Clooney.

10/19/05 My video screener connection wasn't able to hook me up on this one, so I apologize for the delay. But your patience has paid off, 'cause here's the definitive word on Seagal's excellently titled new one, TODAY YOU DIE.

10/17/05 On second thought, I shoulda stuck with cartoons. Here's my review of DOMINO.

10/12/05 Okay, here's one minor review to hold you over until I see some real movies. This is a documentary about LORD OF THE RINGS called RINGERS. But it's no TREKKIES. I know, you never even heard of it and here I'm telling you not to watch it, what is the point of that? I guess it's like one of those coens the Zen guys got. Does a movie really exist if you never heard of it and don't watch it. Or is it "Does a movie get reviewed if you never heard of it or watched it?" I don't know, I never been good at this zen shit. But let's just wait and see what happens when I get my shipment of Lightning Bolt.

10/10/05 To answer some of your questions, yes, I am still alive, no, I am not in jail, and yes I have watched the news enough to sense that some sort of ewok dance may be in order some time in the near future. The only reason I haven't written any reviews lately is because all they got now is these cartoon movies, Wallace and Gromits, Corpse Bride and etc. Nobody wants to see a grown man writing about cartoons. As soon as I see some real life movies I will get back at you. Anyway just a quick heads up, Jess Evans sent me this link to where you can buy Steven Seagal's energy drink! They got two flavors, Cherry Charge and Asian Experience (there's also one called Root Beer Rush but this place doesn't have it). I also found the official web sight which doesn't have much information yet but is still funny. Anyway, if I start writing about 75 reviews a day in the near future you will know why. Because each component was carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine into an all natural energy boost.

10/1/05 To my surprise I got for you a review of the new space ship picture called SERENITY.

9/23/05 Gotta tell you man, I loved Dave Cronenberg's new one, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE.

9/21/05 Trying to catch up on some of the Asian pictures everybody else saw a long time ago. I'm starting with OLDBOY.

9/18/05 I had high hopes for LORD OF WAR starring Nicolas Cage. They were not met. I also have high hopes for geocities because I finally broke down and started to pay the $4.95 a month for "premium service" or whatever they call it. This got rid of that stupid ad box and supposedly will give me more "data transfer." So we'll see if the thing keeps crashing or not. How you could help me out is if you could get one of your sucker friends to buy my book. If just one (1) upstanding citizen buys the book each month this whole caper will almost pay for itself. I won't mind tossing in the extra 41 cents, I will consider it even. However if nobody ever buys my book again it doesn't even matter. It's worth so much more than $4.95 a month to me to share my thoughts with all you ungrateful fucks.

just kidding I love you all for who you are

9/15/05 ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW is this new "indie" movie they got. "indie" is another word for independent, but with a 50% savings of syllables. Why are you going around wasting your life away saying those 2 extra syllables? Especially when you're dealing with a 9 syllable movie title you gotta say "indie movie," not "independent movie." In fact I'm gonna go with "indie flick." Or "inflick". This inflick is called MAYAEWK f.n.o. That stands for "for now on." No time to elab.

9/14/05 I got another film related documentary under my belt. This one is TELL THEM WHO YOU ARE, where the legendary cinematographer Haskell Wexler's son makes a documentary about his dad to try to reconnect with him. It's actually not that much about movies but about fathers and sons and it's real good shit if you ask me, which by coming to this web sight you pretty much did. sucker.

9/1/5 I can't really recommend reading today's new VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS column. It will just make you more depressed.

8/30/05 I'm working on a couple things but for now here's a review of Wes Craven's new one, RED EYE. It's like SNAKES ON A PLANE minus the snakes. Also I reviewed BROTHERS GRIMM last week but forgot to put a link to it.

8/25/5 Two reviews of recent documentaries, in case you're into that crap. LIPSTICK AND DYNAMITE and Z CHANNEL is the titles. (sorry, I haven't seen the penguin one.)

8/22/05 Question: is there a word for when you're searching for something on google, and you accidentally stumble across some crazy pervert subculture you never even knew existed? And of course, question number two is, what the fuck? I can just picture this guy at home jerking off to fantasies of a 200 foot tall lady dressed as Cinderella in the middle of Disneyland. On another part of the sight he also has recordings of a lady talking sexy giant talk. I don't get it, it seems like that would be a relationship doomed to failure or at least squooshing. But I guess more power to you if you can overcome those kind of obstacles in the name of true love.

Oh jesus, it just occurred to me - does he want to climb inside there? Maybe I should email this guy for clarification.

8/21/05 Here you go. I got John Singleton's FOUR BROTHERS. I got THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN. I got the documentary THE ARISTOCRATS too, complete with my version of the dirty joke that the movie is all about. Everything you could ask for almost. Also please note that my bud Skander's movie Pervy Persuasion is playing now or coming soon or who knows what, but I saw a poster for it up.

That reminds me, I don't watch much tv, could someone please explain to me the rock video where the girl from Skander's movie is crying and yelling at her boyfriend cause he's going to Iraq. Also more importantly could you explain the one where R. Kelly is crying and waving the gun around and singing about transvestites or soemthing. I don't know alot about music. thanks

8/11/05 Three options for your reading pleasure. First I got a new Vern Tell's It Like It Is column, by popular demand. Second, I got a review of the new Jim Jarmusch picture, BROKEN FLOWERS. And thirdly, the one you know you want to read, my review of STEALTH starring a talking jet plane.

8/2/05 Finally caught up with that Christian Bale science fictional picture EQUILIBRIUM.

7/26/05 Wow, I been hibernating. Well, DEVIL'S REJECTS is the most interesting movie I seen in a while so hopefully that makes for a good review. If not I also reviewed a straight to video called BLAST. It's a DIE HARD ripoff but the hero is Eddie Griffin.

7/1/05 Steve Spielberg (E.T.) is back with a new one, WAR OF THE WORLDS. This movie is actually scary as shit. I recommend this picture. I got a problem, the big summer movies I seen this year are so good I never get to complain anymore or talk shit about people. It's almost like this isn't the internet.

6/24/05 Sorry I been MIA for a while. I was switching over to a new computer and got confused. So here's what I got for you. Two martial arts classics: 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN and ENTER THE DRAGON. Over on Ain't It Cool I got a review of George Fucking Romero's LAND OF THE FUCKING DEAD. If you're like me and you like to be entertained by movies, severed heads, etc. go see it this weekend. Also if you missed it I reviewed the latest Alex de la Iglesia picture CRIMEN FERPECTO (Ferpect Crime).

6/10/05 I reviewed the new Batman picture. If you don't care about that though you should still follow the link and scroll down because I have an announcement about a dude trying to make a movie about me, how great I am, etc.

6/7/05 One of the best kung fu pictures I've ever seen is called 8 DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER. For some reason.

6/1/05 From Jamaica: THE HARDER THEY COME. From Japan: GODZILLA'S FINAL WARS. (I'm doing this in alphabetical order now.)








About the author

I got out in august '99 and since then have been 100% clean and sober as well as i do NOT get involved in crime and negativity. My love now is Writing, watching movies and getting blown out of my fucking mind high on life.

To be frankly honest i am about a lot of shit, i am a complicated man and i am not someone you can CATEGORIZE or LABEL like a piece of fucking MEAT. BUT, there is one thing i am not and THAT is a motherfucking ROLE MODEL.

i will talk about shit on this sight that will make your balls quiver. i have been around the block a few times if you know what i mean and although i am considered at my age to be past my sexual prime there are TIMES when i am involved in threeseomes, 69, the mississippi guard dog position, etc.

In my past I have been involved in armed robbery and complications thereof which led me to lose my freedom in the correctional system. I do not blame anyone else for my mistakes although my dad was an alcoholic.

as a christian, i have left the drugs and negativity in the fucking DUST in my opinion. That said I do not recomend fucking with a guy like me. there are guys in prison who are ANIMALS and i learned to deal with these guys every day. I don't want to get into how much i can bench, etc. however i am fast for my age and you would be surprised at my hitting strength, cunning, etc.

For now I would like to focus on my art which is Writing in my opinion. I am a Writer just as you are. I write dream journals, etc. and am practicing my writing so that i may document my journey.


Here is what the mississippi guard dog position is. A LOT of fucking people didn't know what it was. no offense but you folks really gotta get out more often. PLEASE, no kids look at this diagram.


About the shit on my sight

VERNS motherfuckin OUTLAW AWARDS celebrate the best filmwork and Badass Cinema of 1999 beginning in August when I got out

VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS is my column which I Write at least every monday, sometimes more. It is basically about my opinions, on movies and life. I usually also get into stories about dudes I knew inside or my life of crime. This is MY attempt to document my journey. Now with old columns archive.

VERN AT THE GOD DAMN MOVIES is where I share my Writings about the art of the film cinema, which is my true Passion as well as Writing.

OUTLAW MUSIC is my dabblings into the artsmanship of Music Writing. VERY ballsy stuff in my opinion.

HARDCORE POEMS first of all, let me say that i do NOT think poems have to be soft although i understand where you're coming from on that one. but hopefully i will change your opinion!

BRUCE WILLIS'S DIE HARD (1988) is one of the great action films of history but unfortunately most motherfuckers these days never even HEARD of it. that is why i have Writ these essays about the Die Hard trilogy.

VERN'S LINKS is, well links is a little thing you click on it brings you to some other motherfuckers web sight. So what i did here, this is a common technique i believe, you put a bunch of the "links" to the sights you like. Anyway that's what I did here, vern's links.

ETC. is where I will put all the other shit, special type shit, that does not fit into another category. 'Cause you can't label everything and cram it into a little box, man. jesus.


outlaws since October 10, 99
I got three counters now, probaly a bad idea. I treat them like a SON and they go and fuck me in the ASS!
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email VERN: outlawvern@hotmail.com