real title: TOM-YUM-GOONG
should be the title: WHERE ARE MY ELEPHANTS?

Well, I can’t say I didn’t know what I was stepping into. The import DVD of the newest Tony Jaa movie (from the same director as ONG-BAK) has been circling around forever and a day now but I never got around to seeing it. Now those gangsters Bob and Noodles Weinstein have unleashed their bastardized and cut-up version across the screens of America. I knew it was probaly gonna be dubbed, I knew it was shortened (that’s what the Weinsteins do: buy other people’s movies, then cut parts out of them), and I knew it was re-scored.

And it was actually that last part that reeled me in like a sucker fish. Because in the newspaper ads it says in giant letters, almost as big as the title: “MUSIC BY RZA.”

I knew it was wrong to take somebody’s movie and re-score it just to sell tickets to marks like me, but still. Muay thai and RZA beats, right? Sounds like a good Friday afternoon at the Cinerama.

And okay, it was. The movie is definitely worth seeing if you’re a fan of martial arts. It’s very similar to ONG-BAK. Once again Tony Jaa is a naive, rural traditionalist. But instead of the head of a Buddha statue being stolen from his village, it’s two elephants (one adult, one baby) that his family are sworn to protect. This isn’t some gimmick like that movie with Bill Murray. Elephants are very important in Thai culture and history, Jaa comes from a long line of elephant trainers, and he actually owns two elephants in real life. One of his big breaks as a stuntman was as a double for Sammo Hung in a commercial where he had to roll off an elephant’s tusks onto its back, and it’s cool to see him do a few of those types of tricks here. (more…)

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(aka MUAY THAI WARRIOR)

You see, there’s this small town in Thailand somewhere (possibly called Ong-Bak, unless that is only the name of the buddha statue there, but the subtitles led me to believe it was the name of both). Anyway, there’s a young man there named Ting (played by Tony Jaa) who is working hard to prove himself as a master of Muay Thai Kickboxing, or Thai Fist. That’s quite enough bullshit for a young man to have on his mind but then some other asshole has to sneak in and cut off the head of their buddha statue so he can sell it. All the old ladies start crying that the town is not protected anymore so before you know it this little old country boy is headed for big bad Bangkok to get the shit back.

He teams up with Dirty Balls, a smalltime fuckup he thinks he knows from back in the day. This guy is a likable doofus who looks a little too old to be wearing hoop earrings and camoflauge pants, but what can you do. Also some teenage girl who rides motorcycles and cheats at cards, has a junkie sister, etc. I’m not sure what she contributes to the team other than scenes where people die, she cries and screams out how upset she is. Anyway they track the asshole with the head, get in some fights and chases and all that kind of business. There is this club that is kind of like a cross between Coyote Ugly and Fight Club. The sexy bartenders are all dancing and smiling and everybody’s enjoying themselves, but right in the middle of the floor there are brutal kickboxing matches going on and everybody’s betting on it. Of course, Ting accidentally gets involved and knocks out the champion with a single blow. (Bitch.)

I don’t want to say more because I don’t want to give away the story. It would be a shame not to be able to go into this thing fresh, because the real delight is in all the sly narrative twists and turns and– No, I’m just jerkin your chain. There’s nothing to give away. The story is just an excuse to string together a series of badass fight scenes and stunt sequences. And that’s a good thing. (more…)

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