But forgive me, man. I was on the outside. There was no way to really know without seeing it that NINJA III is a must-see.

Part III has nothing to do with part 2 or 1, which also have nothing to do with each other, except that they all are a combination of asinine crap and awesome ninja shit, and they all have the great Sho Kosugi playing different ninja characters. What’s special about this one is the weird mix of ingredients. It’s got some supernatural THE EXORCIST shit in there, it’s got lots of goofy dated ’80s shit, and it’s got some seriously great ninja mayhem. I guess the appeal is kind of similar to NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER. Maybe not as funny overall, but on the other hand NO RETREAT doesn’t have any action scenes that can compete with the opening assassination sequence here.

The movie opens with a Japanese man (David Chung as “Black Ninja”?) entering a cave, apparently a Secret Ninja Cave where he hides his weapons and costume. He suits up and heads to the golf course to assassinate some scientist who’s golfing with his wife/girlfriend and a whole bunch of bodyguards. It probly would’ve been easier to use a sniper rifle or even a bow and arrow from far away, but he just runs out onto the golf course, shows off by crushing their golf ball in his fist, and starts killing everybody between himself and the target. I don’t know, maybe whoever hired him asked him to make sure this guy knows that he’s being killed by a ninja. That probly costs extra, but might be worth it for some clients.

Anyway, he has to kill the bodyguards, then the couple, then the golf course security that show up, then the cops that show up. It just keeps escalating, and he has to dig deep into his bag of tricks. There’s alot of sword slashing and stabbing, but also shooting a blowdart into the barrel of a gun to cause a misfire, ninja stars, etc. He also manages to cause motorcycles to fly dozens of feet up into the air and crash into lakes like he’s in Hazzard County. (Not coincidentally I noticed Robbie Knievel listed on the credits.)

Once the cops show up he’s on the run just trying to survive. He jumps on top of one of the squad cars and not only stabs the passenger through the roof but also punches through to take out the driver. He climbs up a tall tree and jumps onto a police helicopter. He takes out some officers inside (one by throwing a ninja star with his toes) and causes it to crash. Eventually he’s completely surrounded and they all start shooting him over and over again, and even at that point he does a really cool disappearing trick.

When all is said and done I estimate he killed 2 golfers, 4 bodyguards and 20 cops. But it’s hard to be sure because they drop so easily you gotta assume some of them are playing dead or just unconscious. I believe there were about 10 of those, the non-fatal injured, for an estimated total of 36 victims. For sure he killed a minimum of 10, because that’s how many bodies you can see laying around at the scene of the standoff.

The lesson is, for any of you security guys out there, be sure to check for Secret Ninja Caves (SNCs) within the general vicinity of any golf courses your guy likes to play at.

After that incredible ’80s action opening it sort of turns into a weird horror hybrid, because Lucinda Dickey (the BREAKIN’ saga) is working on the powerlines nearby when the ninja goes down and accidentally gets possessed by his ghost. She lives in an arty/utilitarian apartment with a roommate and also works as an aerobics instructor, which is a complicated enough life, but it will get more complicated as she begins to black out and go on ninja missions to assassinate the cops who shot at the ninja. I guess it’s kind of like a werewolf movie, she knows something’s wrong and starts to realize she’s going out and killing at night. But instead of growing hair and sharp teeth she just takes costumes and weapons from the SNC.

Meanwhile she has a new man in her life. This cop named Billy Secord (Jordan Bennett) keeps trying to ask her out. At first she’s a total jerk to him, saying “Now get this straight, I don’t go out with cops, all right?” as if it was a rule she had decided on long ago. When he offers her a Coke or something she says “Thanks, but I don’t use soft drinks,” which is a weird way of putting it.

But she quickly changes her rule on cops (not soft drinks) and while she’s sleeping with him the closet lights up and a sword floats out. So that’s the type of situation we’re dealing with here. During The Domination she goes out and murders these cops in sleazy situations, like a triple spa murder and a guy playing pool in his boxers and undershirt with shoes and socks still on. When they found the body they probly first thought oh shit, that’s our colleague so-and-so and then wait a minute, did he take his pants off over his shoes? Or did he put the shoes on after taking off the pants?

She figures it’s a health problem, but the doctors can’t help her, they say that “other than your exceptional extra sensory perception” everything is normal. As if ESP is an ordinary health condition, like high blood pressure.

Western medicine having failed her she goes the other direction, she goes to James Hong (Lo Pan from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA) who chains her up and smokes her out with opium until she turns kinda Linda Blair, kinda EVIL DEAD. Hearing Hong talk to her in Japanese Billy picks out one word:

“I heard ‘ninja.’ I wanna know what the hell that is.”

Not only does he learn what the hell that is, he learns that “only a ninja can kill a ninja” (like only a silver bullet can kill a werewolf) and lucky for everybody there is a ninja with an interest in killing this particular ninja. His name is Yamada (Sho Kosugi) and he wears a cool eyepatch, which of course means that the Black Ninja took his eye and he wants revenge for spoiling his chances at seeing AVATAR the way James Cameron meant it to be seen.

Obviously they’re gonna have to magically pull the ninja out of her or something but first she gets possessed some more. At one point there’s a haunting going on in her crib so, in the proud 1980s tradition, she turns on some cheesy electric guitar music real loud and furiously dances by herself. It seems to help, but it doesn’t cure her. The ninja is still in there planning to kill all the cops, including her boyfriend.

And he’s gonna have a good opportunity: “the funeral.” One of the other officers is worried that Billy’s one of those guys who ignores all his buddies as soon as he gets a girl, so he says, “I know the lady’s beautifu, but don’t forget the funeral.” It’s not clear which of the 20 murdered cops the funeral is for, or why it isn’t a bigger deal, or why there aren’t that many of his fellow officers there, or why Billy thinks it’’s okay not to wear his uniform. But it is clear that it’s a good place for the girl to turn into a ninja and try to kill everybody. Man, ninjas are cold, killing people at funerals. I’ve always been against that.

There’s some more good action at the climax, including but not limited to yanking a guy off a motorcycle, and clubbing an innocent tombstone. Yamada chases the ninja into a building and come on man, when are people gonna learn to check the ceilings for ninjas? Ninjas always hide above you, it’s very predictable. Yamada of all people should know this, he’s a ninja and probly hides on the ceiling all the time himself. Think, man. Where would you hide if you were a ninja, which you are?

I shouldn’t criticize Yamada though, I like the guy. He jumps through the ceiling. Just right through it, breaks through the wood. You gotta respect that.

At the climax the Black Ninja is stabbed and his body spins and drills into the ground, causing an earthquake. helpful hint: only a grappling hook can save you from a ninja earthquake.

The action in this is equal to or greater than many worthwhile Cannon films, but it stands out because of the bonus weirdness factor. I mean, this girl lives in an apartment with a big wooden spool (like for cable wire) as a table, concrete brick walls, a bed made of metal girders, a construction helmet hanging on the wall. It’s a small place but she must do okay between fixing power lines and teaching aerobics because she can afford an arcade video game called “Bouncer”, which later becomes haunted.

Another sign that it’s the ’80s: she has one of those Nagel prints on her wall. And she spends alot of the movie in spandex or leg warmers, doesn’t wear pants too often. She enjoys Folger’s Crystals Instant Coffee and yogurt, both products that still exist, but how often do you see them showcased on film? And there’s a part where she pours V8 on herself. Some of you may be too young to remember, but in the ’80s it was considered extremely erotic to pour V8 on yourself. Ask your parents about it.

Also of note: the opening has a credit for “synth score.” Not “original music” or anything like that, it’s “synth score.” I thought that was cool.

Director Sam Firstenberg returned after REVENGE OF THE NINJA. He later did AMERICAN NINJA 1-32, AVENGING FORCE, AMERICAN SAMURAI, OPERATION DELTA FORCE, etc. Working with Lucinda Dickey here must’ve got him the job of BREAKIN’ 2: COME ON GUYS YOU KNOW THE SUBTITLE I’M NOT GONNA SAY IT. The writer is James R. Silke, who did REVENGE OF THE NINJA, AMERICAN NINJA and KING SOLOMON’S MINES.

Wait a minute, they never did say why the ninja assassinated the scientist, did they? I wonder if that’s who killed the electric car?

AMERICAN NINJA is not something I consider a classic, but it is a solid, enjoyable b-movie and it finally made me understand the Michael Dudikoff phenomenon. When I saw him in a much later movie, BLACK THUNDER (a Stealth bomber thriller remade as Seagal’s FLIGHT OF FURY) I was surprised at his lack of fighting. I assumed he was some karate champion or something like most of the ’80s action stars, but when I looked him up I found out he started as a model. No wonder.

But in this movie wouldn’t've noticed, because he does do plenty of fighting and makes it convincing. His line deliveries are sometimes bad but they manage to make him not talk very much. In fact, he doesn’t speak for the first 15 minutes of the movie, it almost seems like he’s mute.

Dudikoff plays Joe who, like Jason Bourne, has amnesia and doesn’t remember why he has extraordinary fighting skills. Unlike Jason Bourne he does not try to avoid fighting, he joins the army. While a new recruit he saves the colonel’s daughter from guerillas who are trying to hijack a shipment of weapons, and in true ’80s action movie fashion this gets him labeled as a troublemaker.

It turns out some of the higher ups are involved in the illegal arms trade, getting weapons to some criminal dude who has a private army of ninjas. He even has a ninja training camp where ninjas of all colors (black ninjas, blue ninjas, even yellow ninjas, who I guess would be good at hiding in a banana tree or in a field of dandelions) practice swords, flipping, climbing, and running between spiked punching bags. They have a giant, maybe ten or fifteen foot tall diagram of the human skeleton, maybe in case they have to fight a giant some day.

At the evil mansion where this training takes place there is also a Japanese gardener who looks kind of like Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. It is heavily hinted and later revealed that this is actually the guy who trained Joe. This is kind of cool because it’s a nod to the original ninjas (O.N.s) who were the shogun’s gardeners so nobody knew they were the security. While he gardens he overhears all the criminal plots and uses his inside knowledge to help Joe “fulfill his destiny” of putting on a ninja costume and fighting the bad guys.

This is from our friends Golan and Globus, and the director is Sam Firstenberg who also did NINJA II & III. It’s a full-on ’80s ninja movie with stars, daggers and smoke bombs, but they combine it with the Rambo era military movies. Joe actually spends most of the movie in uniform and although he does use his ninja skills, he also rides motorcycles and shit like that that was not necessarily used in the protection of the shogun, in my opinion.

One funny part in the movie is when an asshole named Jackson (Steve James, Kung Fu Joe from I’M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA) starts bullying Joe, calling him “karate boy” and challenging him to fight. Of course Joe ends up tossing the guy all over the place, but as soon as he whoops his ass he decides Joe is all right, and for the rest of the movie they’re best friends. Even at the end when Joe’s in his ninja costume Jackson shows up with a headband like Rambo, driving around in a jeep firing a mounted machine gun. Remember, back then we always liked that kind of shit to be in movies.

Another favorite scene is when Joe meets up with the Gandhi gardener and starts to remember his past, there is a training montage where he’s a little kid learning to shoot arrows, use a bamboo sword and fire blow darts. You don’t see little kid training montages too often. His origins are left mysterious, at least in this chapter, because the guy just found him as a baby. So either he was an abandoned orphan or the stork brought him. Later, he and the old man were “separated by the explosion.” It shows somebody detonating some TNT, possibly for construction purposes, and somehow this caused the Japanese guy to not see li’l American Ninja for years. It’s a good reminder to parents that they should always tell their kids a meeting place to go to in case of an explosion.

One reason why Dudikoff works in the movie is because his character almost seems like Robert Patrick in TERMINATOR 2. He just has a cold, blank stare and he barely talks. He doesn’t remember who he is but he has the ninja instinct, so he’s kind of a heartless killing machine. He has alot of good moves and old fashioned stunts like hanging onto the bottom of a moving truck. It’s actually kind of disappointing when he finally puts on the ninja costume, because now only his eyes are showing and he might as well be Franco Nero. I liked him better when he just looked like a soldier but he would hide around the corner in a ninja pose or would spiderman to the ceiling above the entrance to his jail cell and then run out when the guard opens the door.

One thing that would make this movie more entertaining would be if they got excited about the title and tried to work a bunch of patriotic shit in there. I would like if American Ninja was the Captain America of Ninjas, and had stars and stripes on his costume. Or at least there should be a part where he does some ninja shit in front of an American flag. Actually, there is a trailer on the DVD where he does that, even though it’s not in the movie. But at that time the movie was called AMERICAN WARRIOR. In the movie he actually is referred to as “the American ninja” at one point, which is good. Always good to have the title in the dialogue.

They do have some good silly stuff in the climax, too. The main evil ninja keeps escalating his ninja tricks, he even has a four-barreled ninja gun built onto his knuckles. At one point he shoots fire balls from his hand, which looks like ninja magic but I’m gonna assume it’s sleight of hand. You figure that’s as far as it could go but then in one part he actually fires a laser! It blows up a potted plant and then he doesn’t use it again. I guess it is one of those laser guns that has to charge for an hour between each shot. I hate those.

Most of all, what AMERICAN NINJA reminds us is that core American principle that we are a land of immigrants. People can come from anywhere and become American. Even if you were raised under the Bushido code in Japan before the explosion, you can come here, and you will be an American, and America will combine with the power of Bushido. We certainly have problems with xenophobia and what not right now but what America is truly about is this melting pot idea, we need to accept ideas from all different cultures and use what we like. That was Bruce Lee’s idea too, that’s why he could come from China and go to school in Seattle and become an American (I still think him and Jimi shoulda been on the Washington State quarter instead of a damn fish). So whether you are bringing your food or your philosophy or your music or your deadly art of stealth and assassination, you are bringing what you love and it becomes America. God bless AMERICAN NINJA.

[ratings]

REVENGE OF THE NINJA isn’t connected to the story of ENTER THE NINJA. Franco Nero’s White Ninja character is nowhere to be seen, defying the promise of his final freeze-frame wink. Which is bullshit, man. If you’re gonna wink – especially if you’re gonna freeze-frame wink – you better fuckin mean it.

However, Sho Kosugi (who died in part 1) is reborn as a different character, a collector of Japanese antique dolls whose family is killed by ninjas. His white friend convinces him to take his son and mom to AMerica to open a gallery for his dolls. And I don’t think I need to point out that any time in an action or fighting movie where you are discussing the hero’s doll collection you are on some paper thin ice. But I’ll be charitable and accept this as a fulfillment of the Theory of Badass Juxtaposition.

What Sho doesn’t know is his white friend is an asshole and set the whole thing up so he could smuggle heroin in the dolls. Which seems like a lot of trouble to go through, but I can understand if he’s uncomfortable with the traditional balloons up the butthole business model. He probaly saw MARIA FULL OF GRACE like I did. Anyway, Sho’s son – played by his real son, Kane Kosugi – is a little badass. There’s a funny scene where he gets picked on by bullies who could be the junior members of a gang in a Michael Jackson video. And of course he deals with them ninja style.

Little Kane is in that classic predicament: he’s trained in ninjitsu fighting and swords but he isn’t allowed to use it. It’s tradition to practice, but the family doesn’t believe in violence, he’s told. That’s one of the classic scenarios, the Ticking Time Bomb of Badass.

Sho also has a white assistant lady who takes care of Kane and tries to seduce Sho by training with no pants on. But it doesn’t work. Later it turns out she’s in on the heroin deal, and still later it turns out she’s actually nice, but she’s hypnotized.

In this one of course Sho is the hero, and the villain is the heroin smuggler, a Caucasian ninja. So it’s a nice reversal of Part 1. This guy doesn’t wear a white ninja outfit like White Ninja. He wears orthodox black with a silver demon mask to distinguish him from Sho. So I call him White Devil Ninja.

The fights are pretty cool, with lots of the ol’ ninja shit that ninjas are known to get up to. Marbles in a hall so you fall and land on tacks. Tacks in the face. Grappling hook between skyscrapers. Duel on top of skyscrapers.

It’s a much more respectable ninja movie than part 1, with more convincing martial arts. But the badass beats aren’t quite as solid and the other one is so much more silly that it’s more fun to watch. This one could’ve used a freeze-frame wink, in other words.

[ratings]

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