I’ll start by laying out the three basic schools of thought about why HUDSON HAWK crashed and burned.

1. The McClane Factor. Audiences had originally loved Bruce as David Addison on MOONLIGHTING. Nobody expected DIE HARD to be so good. But it re-invented action and it re-invented Bruce. Sure, they still had a taste for David Addison, but they hungered for John McClane, especially right here in 1991. Moonlighting was over, DIE HARD 2 had just happened, Comedy Bruce had been shed to reveal Action Bruce fully grown beneath… then all the sudden he comes out with this. It’s like, all due respect to the black eye mask, but right after you see THE BIG BOSS or FIST OF FURY for the first time you’re not anxious for Bruce Lee to go back to playing Kato.

HUDSON HAWK is way more MOONLIGHTING than DIE HARD. His character is the opposite of John McClane in many ways. McClane is a cop, Hawk is a cat burglar. McClane is a working stiff, Hawk loves cappucino. McClane wears an undershirt and no shoes, Hawk a fancy black overcoat and hat. McClane makes smartass comments to leaven his seemingly doomed situation, when Hawk makes them it emphasizes his fearlessnes. McClane is having trouble keeping his marriage together, Hawk is so smooth he scores a hot nun. If you went into this movie hoping to see a character kind of like John McClane you would feel a little like Karl hanging from a chain.

2. The media was out to get Bruce. This seems to be Bruce’s theory. Some of the critics and other media establishment individuals weren’t onboard the Nakatomi Express yet. They looked down their noses at DIE HARD, especially after there was a sequel. They thought it was low culture, dumb violence for dumb people. So they wanted Bruce to fall on his ass, and this obviously self-indulgent pet project with a cocky attitude and shameless silliness was too juicy a target to pass up. It was panned viciously and that may have contributed to its financial failure.

3. It wasn’t very good.

Which of these is the real reason? I have always believed it was a Neopolitan ice cream style striped-combo of the three. But after my latest viewing I put less emphasis on the third one. I think I’ve seen it three times now, and each time liked it better than before. Admittedly it started at a pretty low level of liking, but this time was the best so far. It doesn’t all work, but if you’re in the right mood it’s funny and unusual.

Bruce plays Eddie something, aka the Hudson Hawk, or I thought that’s what they said but at some point they seem to switch to Hudson Hawk being his actual name. Anyway he’s a very talented cat burglar just out of the joint, relaxing and discussing a straight career path with his brother and co-bar owner Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello) when some crooks called the Mario Brothers (no relation) force them to do a museum heist. This turns out to be a setup by nefarious CIA man James Coburn and a team of younger agents (he calls them “the MTV-IA”) code-named after candy bars.

In the movie’s most perfectly surreal moment he’s just survived a harrowing high speed gurney-roll through freeway traffic when David Caruso rappels down from who knows where and holds out a card that says, “MY NAME IS KIT KAT. THIS IS NOT A DREAM.” Next thing you know the Hawk is poisoned, packed in styrofoam shipping peanuts and flown to Rome where he’s forced to steal Leonardo Da Vinci’s codex from the Vatican. In the process he falls for a pretty girl (Andie McDowell) who’s trying to keep the Vatican’s artifacts safe, and he turns out to be embroiled in an evil plot to rebuild a hidden Da Vinci invention that creates gold (not because they want to be rich but because they want to destroy the world economy).

Jesus, I gotta add theory #4, that the movie failed because these were the fucking movie posters they made:

That stupid one on the left I remember as the poster but also I found this one on the right, which says:

Shy.
Sensitive.
Law-abiding.
Polite.
Respectful.
–I don’t think so.

For Christ’s sake, man. I know somebody probly worked hard at least on the typography there on one of them, and everybody has bills to pay. Don’t want to make anybody feel bad, but come on. Let’s have some pride in our work, fellas. I personally believe you could’ve done better. just my 2 cents.

The screenplay was credited to two writers, Steven E. de Souza (the E is for Excellence [nah, just kidding, it's so he doesn't get confused with all the other Steven de Souzas]) and Daniel Waters. De Souza is famous for being one of the writers of DIE HARD, and his credits also include 48 HOURS, COMMANDO and RICOCHET. But also THE FLINSTONES, BEVERLY HILLS COP 2-3, STREET FIGHTER (also director), JUDGE DREDD, and as much as I love it I gotta say KNOCK OFF. Waters meanwhile is known as the visionary writer of HEATHERS, but also had a streak of big studio movies: THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE, then this, BATMAN RETURNS and DEMOLITION MAN. My guess is that de Souza wrote the thing up based on Bruce and his friend Robert Kraft’s story notes, then Waters probly went in and rewrote all the dialogue.

The weak side of it is the summer event movie side of it. It has that early ’90s mediocre studio fantasy adventure feel, with effects by ILM (for a Da Vinci flying machine and exploding gold machine) and a score working itself up too much trying to sound epic and thrilling no matter what’s on screen. If this was supposed to work on multiple levels I don’t think the fantasy adventure level quite succeeded. Bruce does too much swinging around and falling with comical looks on his face for the action to have any weight to it, and Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard are too campy and over the top as the villains to be taken seriously at all.

I mean I’m just saying I doubt anybody’s watching this thing excited to get to the flying machine sequence.

But as a comedy it’s much more successful because it’s jam-packed with goofy little touches (a bomb shooting onto a thug’s head, Caruso painted silver and disguised as a statue) and a Shane Blackian amount of quips. Everybody always has a smartass comment to rattle off to everybody else’s smartass comment. They’re even making clever quips when they claim that they can’t make clever quips. At one point Coburn says, “I wish I could come up with this glib repartee the way you guys can. But I can’t, so I’ll just paralyze you.”

And glib is just the right word for it. Everybody jokes to cover any fear of death they may have. When they’ve been paralyzed and shown a shocking USA Today cover story Hawk and Tommy try to get them to turn to section B to check the Mets score.

I’m sure some of you will quote your favorite lines in the comments. Here’s a couple of mine:

Asked how much time he did Hawk says, “Put it this way. I never saw E.T.”

Richard E. Grant The butler guy slashes the mobster and says, “So much for his cut.” Then, “Forgive my dry British humor.”

The moronic Butterfinger thinks he’s in France (he’s in Italy) and announces, “Ah, to be in Par-ee and in love!”

Also, one of the most ridiculous one-liners ever, after somebody gets beheaded: “I guess you won’t be going to that hat  convention in July!”

(why July? Hudson Hawk really has a detailed idea of this imaginary hat convention. I’m surprised he didn’t say where it happens and how much it costs for a VIP badge.)

I like the candy bar agents, a colorful bunch of characters. The standout is Butterfinger, a huge, dumb oaf with a Boz-like haircut. When part of a plan is going awry he asks, “You want me to rape him?” so they distract him with his copy of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. When he’s shot he calls Coburn “coach.” Then there’s the mute Kit Kat. As he falls over dead thankfully he has a card prepared that says, “I ALWAYS LIKED YOU.”

If you’re like me, the main thing you remember about this movie is the heist sequence at the beginning, where Hawk and Tommy sing “Would You Like To Swing On a Star” to themselves while sneaking around the museum, because they have the lengths of songs memorized and use them to time their movements. Of course this makes no sense at all, and Tommy even points it out (”You know they invented something while you were inside – it’s called ‘the watch’”). But if you just go with it it makes for a fun little musical number. Aiello actually isn’t a bad singer and Bruce does better than on RETURN OF BRUNO.

This actually has a bit of that Bruno in it, because it’s Bruce indulging his white bluesman sensibilities, showing off what songs he loves and thinking he looks real fuckin cool adjusting that hat all the time.

What I didn’t know until I watched the DVD extra “The Story of Hudson Hawk” is that this movie comes entirely out of Bruce’s music-playing. It’s actually a really good half hour featurette of Bruce and co-story writer/music supervisor Robert Kraft. Kraft is at the piano for the whole interview and plays and sings the theme song much more appealingly than Dr. John did on the end credits. They explain that they met in 1979 when Kraft’s band was performing in a club. Bruce was in the audience and was presumptuous enough to pull out a harmonica and start playing with them. You’d think this would get Bruce beat up, but instead they became friends. Later Kraft wrote the song, Bruce vowed it would be a movie some day, many years passed and then somehow he turned out to be right.

So for Bruce fans this is a must-see, because it shows you so much of Bruce’s personality. It captures his wiseass side, his musical persona, a little bit of his action side, his Jersey pride and his friendship with Kraft. It shows that as much as we love Action Bruce it’s not a bad idea to invite Comedy Bruce out every once in a while. This movie has really grown on me over the years, from “not very good” to “actually has some funny parts” to “for the most part I like this!”

a couple notes:

1. I don’t know why they’re making such a big deal about Willis and Stallone working together on THE EXPENDABLES, because they already worked together on this one. Well, Frank Stallone, anyway.

2. This was not the first time Bruce collaborated with Kraft on a movie. Kraft wrote a song for LOOK WHO’S TALKING TOO.

3. IMDb’s database recommends that if I like HUDSON HAWK I may also like Jodorowsky’s HOLY MOUNTAIN and BLUE STREAK starring Martin Lawrence.

[ratings]

Michael Biehn plays a second generation con man whose world falls apart when he accidentally shoots his dad (James Coburn) during a con. Looking through his dad’s things he finds out his dad had a brother (James Coburn) so he goes and starts working for him. It’s a typical convoluted con story but for some reason they decided they needed Biehn reading lots of stiff narration explaining everything and pretending to be in-the-know. And let’s just say Ricky Jay doesn’t show up in this one. In other words the dialogue is not written by David Mamet, in my opinion.

Cage plays Eddie, the uncle’s drugged out, dangerously crazy henchman, or bad lieutenant if you will. It’s possibly his most ridiculous performance ever. He has a wig like Anton Chighur, mustache and shades like Tony Clifton, and mumbles in some weird Spanish-esque accent. He’s maybe not as funny as in VAMPIRE’S KISS, but he has several hilarious moments:

1. His introduction, sitting casually behind Biehn and making his presence known by loudly shuffling cards for a magic trick.

2. When his car won’t start until he yells “FUCK!” and twirls one finger in the air as if winding it.

3. When he’s doing a con involving his girlfriend supposedly losing a bracelet, and he takes off his glasses – his eyes are red like he’s been crying (or coked out of his mind). Just completely overdoing it for the con.

4. When he comes home and announces someone’s trying to kill him while doing Mick Jagger poses.

Eddie’s not the only weird touch in the movie. There’s also Charlie Sheen as a hotshot pool shark, giving a really showy high roller performance, but not quite convincing due to his sloppy facial hair and jacket that looks like a Hugh Hefner Halloween costume. (An unofficial one, so it would be called “Mansion Playboy” or “Grotto Guy.”) Not strange enough for you? How ’bout Mickey Dolenz as a pretzel seller/bookie? He and Clarence Williams III are on the con man elite team, but unfortunately neither of them do much in the movie.

Oh, I got one: Angus Scrimm (you know, the Tall Man from PHANTASM) as a diamond appraiser/crime boss with a Guillermo Del Toro-esque pair of scissors in place of one of his hands – he’s in there. And Peter Fonda. And Talia Shire.

Also, I gotta give credit to the guy who tails people wearing the most obvious fake beard of all time (see end of below clip).

But the whole thing is so low rent and forced and the dialogue is terrible, and sometimes when they’re not spouting cliches I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about (for example, why does Cage start yelling about Sam Peckinpah at the bar?)

Here’s an example of how awkward the movie is: When Coburn got shot at the beginning I thought damn, so it’s only a cameo. Then Biehn finds out he has an uncle and goes looking for him. When he first sees the uncle it’s from behind, and if you don’t recognize the back of his head of course you still know it’s James Coburn because of the distinct voice. But when he turns around it’s sudden, like the movie thinks it’s a big, shocking reveal. Oh my God, he also has James Coburn’s face, not just his voice! Then, to make matters worse, they have a flashback of the dad dying. Like you forgot Coburn played his dad too. Man, we’re not that far into the movie yet. You really thought I would forget? Is my bad memory really that notorious?

The director is Christopher Coppola, who is coincidentally Nic Cage’s brother. I’m sure Nic still had to audition. This movie really shows you the mixed blessings of being a Coppola. On one hand, I’m not sure if he was just Christopher Whateverson that he would’ve been able to make a movie. On the other hand he has to live with your uncle directed THE GODFATHER, one of the greatest movies of all time, and you’re making this shit? I don’t want to be an asshole like that, it’s not fair to put that on him. Not everybody can be Francis Ford. Some people gotta be Christopher. At least he gave us the magic of his brother playing Eddie. So he comes out ahead.

[ratings]

Well okay, I admit that Mel hasn’t amounted to as much as we as a society thought he would back in those days, but that doesn’t mean you can Write the man off entirely. I know what you are thinking, this dude hasn’t done shit since Mad Max so just forget about him. But sometimes even after he’s considered washed up by the general public an actor or actress is still putting out high quality type performances with little recognition.

At the video store I found one Mel Gibson film called Ransom, about a kidnapping. I figured okay this will be good, it’s probaly about a cop named Ransom, I’m thinking most likely John Ransom. Well turns out he’s not John Ransom, Ransom is just the name of the movie and not Mel Gibson. He’s not a cop either, he’s just a rich guy. But his name isn’t Ransom. So I decided to give this one a pass and pickup Payback instead.

Turns out his name is Porter in Payback but at least he’s not some rich guy. He’s not a cop either but come to think of it why the fuck does the star of an action movie have to be a cop anway? I mean nothing against McClane but let’s face it, if you had to pick one occupation of guys you want to hang out with, it’s not going to be a fucking cop, jesus. That’s why I haven’t been watching as much TV lately, I mean if I want to see cops and lawyers I’ll just answer the door.

Payback starts off real nice and right away you can tell this is going to be a more down to earth type hero you can relate to. First a doctor who in my opinion is probaly unlicensed pulls bullets out of Porter. From there there is a montage type thing with Porter stealing from a panhandler, lifting a man’s wallet, using his credit cards to buy suits and food, getting a gun from a thrift shop. Then he just starts strutting along like a true motherfucker and it plays this funky theme song and it just makes you go, “I love this fucking movie already.” This scene sort of tells the rags to riches type story of a dude who lost everything who now uses his wits to build up a roll and get the basic tools needed for his mission.

That mission is the title of the film. What it is in case you forgot is he is going to get payback. What he needs payback or revenge for is this whole deal where his wife and his partner double crossed him and shot him so they could take all the money from a robbery. I don’t know if you have experienced something like this but it is a real pisser in my opinion, some of you may know what I’m talking about. So you know you can see where this carter dude is coming from right away.

The structure of this filmwork is very simple and old fashioned and follows the same pattern as that opening montage. He takes each basic resource and builds up more resources – first a suit and a gun, later a police badge, various connections, etc. His partner used his money to pay off a crime syndicate called THe Outfit. It is only fair for him to ask for his money back so he climbs his way up to the very top of the outfit killing people until he gets it.

Let me tell you man it is really good to see Mel back playing a regular guy like Porter or Mad Max instead of a cop or a rich guy. Porter is a real Badass unlike I have seen in any other recent movies. I mean he does a lot of Badass type activities up to and including blowing up a car, intentionally crashing a car, pulling out a dude’s nose ring, getting his toes crushed by a hammer, killing a dude for not having a lighter on him. The main thing about this movie, and the Badass movement in general, is attitude. Mel has a real dead look in his eye, doesn’t talk too much, he knows how to smoke a cigarette just right and he can intimidate and/or mangle motherfuckers like nobody’s business.

For one example, there is a scene where he comes in wanting to talk to a crime boss, but there is a HUGE black dude in the front office that tells him the man isn’t in. Porter keeps trying to ask where is he, maybe he’s at home, where is he exactly? But the bouncer won’t give him the time of day. Porter shakes his head in frustration and disappointment.

Suddenly, cut to that bouncer walking into the back room holding a towel over his ear, blood dripping down his face, calling for his boss somebody’s here to see you.

This is Porter’s style, you don’t even have to see what he did to a dude, you just can assume it was Badass. This dude can get past security in an elevator AND steals their cigarettes. Good work Porter.

This movie, and again the Badass movement, is also about style in my opinion. This is very much like an early ’70s movie, with alot of funky music and the photographing is all washed out and tinted blue. The world is kind of a timeless place where there are rotary phones in the cars but nose rings on the heroin dealers. It is like real life where both the policing and criming industries are mostly filled with a bunch of pricks. But I do like this Porter in my opinion on account of he is good at what he does, which I should remind you is getting payback.

Now okay not everything about Payback is that good. Some of the guitaristry I thought was out of date but not out of date enough to be cool. Also the technique on blowing up the car was the oldest trick in the book although I do give points for the explosion itself just on principle. But I would highly recommend this piece, it is definitely one of the best movies and characters of this year and hopefully it will show audiences that the Badass community are still a vital audience in the millennial Cinema films of the year 2-G.

[ratings]

Think about it: the stoic Clint Eastwood persona of A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS, which he parlayed into an entire brilliant career and which spun off into a hundred bastard sons in the action genre, from Steven Seagal to Daniel Craig. The epic cinemascope wide shots showing the vastness of the desert, cutting to the extreme closeups on some ugly bastard’s squinty eyes, surrounded by wrinkles and lines of sweat. The ingenious use of sound – buzzing flies, some piece of metal somewhere clanging in the wind, the clicking of guns, and of course the legendary Ennio Morricone scores that are forever glued to any memory anybody ever had of these movies. Leone’s style is like a drug, it heightens all your senses. You feel like a blind man whose hearing becomes more powerful to balance out the loss of the eye sight, but then you get the eye sight back for some reason and the super-hearing stays so you go watch some westerns.

To me it seems like Leone must’ve had film spooling through his veins. He’s the definition of a guy who mastered the idea of camera angles, of sound, of music, of pacing. When I talk about what I love in movies, what I think is too often missing from movies these days, this is it – this CINEMATIC (all caps) feel, this god-like mastery of visual storytelling.

So what the fuck was I thinking NOT having seen DUCK, YOU SUCKER (also known as A FISTFUL OF DYNAMITE)? This was Leone’s last western, available as an import DVD for a while but only recently released in a restored version in the US, the first time the full 157 minute Italian cut has been in English.

Now I’ve finally seen it and it’s not at all what I expected. It has all the qualities I described above, but it’s not like the Man With No Name movies. It starts out funnier and ends up darker. It’s as epic as ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (probaly my favorite Leone movie) but it’s also very political. The heroes get involved in the Mexican Revolution, and it’s Leone’s way of saying the revolutionaries of the ’60s were full of shit. I’d like to think he’s wrong, but he paints such a vivid picture of the messiness of revolution. Like Verhoeven’s BLACK BOOK you see the weaknesses of people you assume are idealists and the horrors of violence even when it’s for a good cause.

But it’s also a damn good western with a weird set of protagonists. What if I were to tell you that the movie stars Rod Steiger as a Mexican (Eli Wallach style)? And that he does a good job? And that he partners up with James Coburn as a motorcycle riding Irish dynamiter?

Their first encounter is a classic. Steiger and his family have just stolen a fancy stagecoach from some upper class pricks. Suddenly a weird dude drives by on a motorcycle. Steiger is an asshole, so he shoots one of the tires out.

Coburn gets off the bike. He looks like some kind of post-apocalyptic nomad, his face covered in goggles and a handkerchief, his lanky body exaggerated by a weirdly cut trenchcoat. They have the kind of long, silent stare down that is associated with Leone and spaghetti westerns in general. This is what happens between men in the old west when one man shoots another man’s motorcycle tire out for no reason. These type of guys are always looking for fights. Always looking for stupid excuses to prove their masculinity and physical dominance.

After the long stare, Coburn strolls up to Steiger holding what appears to be a cigar, but is actually dynamite. (precisely one fist full of it.) You think he’s gonna get in his face but instead he pulls the cigar out of Steiger’s mouth, uses it to light his fuse, and walks past him like he doesn’t even see him. He tosses the explosive onto the freshly stolen stage coach and says “Duck, you sucker!” just before it blows a hole in the roof. An eye for an eye, a roof for a tire.

The politics are in there starting with the opening shot, which is Steiger peeing on an anthill. And then throughout the movie you see how the upper classes pee on the lower classes’ anthill. Not even the revolutionaries are innocent – Steiger says a revolution is where the people who read books say they need a change and then get the people who don’t read books to kill each other. You know how it is. Motherfuckers always peeing on an anthill.

But at the same time this is a really funny movie. Steiger’s dream is to rob the bank at Mesa Verde, so when he sees Coburn’s skills with explosives he tries to rope him into it. But when they get into town it turns out Coburn is involved in the Mexican revolution. They go to rob the bank as part of a coordinated series of attacks. And it’s funny to see Steiger get more and more disappointed as every vault he opens is full of political prisoners instead of money. Not only does he not get the loot, but Coburn gets to make fun of him calling him “a grand hero of the revolution.”

One point of confusion with this movie is the title. I think most Americans prefer the more badass sounding A FISTFUL OF DYNAMITE, but it is kind of a misleading title since the feel is much more ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST than A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS. DUCK, YOU SUCKER, it turns out, was Leone’s preferred title. It’s said at least 4 times in the movie, usually John warning Juan that he’s about to blow something up. So to me it emphasizes the friendship angle of the movie. But it relates to the Italian title which was something more like “KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN,” a double meaning for ducking the explosion and staying out of trouble during political upheaval. And his biographer says that Leone for some reason thought Americans went around saying that all the time.

The extras on the new DVD are kind of funny because they’re so contradictory. The biographer paints DUCK, YOU SUCKER as Leone’s big, personal political masterpiece, but the writer Sergio Donato says there’s “very little Leone” in the script, that he wanted Peter Bogdanavich to direct it, and tells a story about Steiger being pissed because Leone kept trying to pawn off directing duties on somebody else.

You know what’s sad, this movie was made in 1971. His next movie ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA wasn’t until 1984, and then that was the last one.

[ratings]

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