Posts Tagged ‘DTV sequels’

Candyman 2 and 3

Wednesday, November 9th, 2005

CANDYMAN in: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH and CANDYMAN in: DAY OF THE DEAD

Last week I watched this CANDYMAN movie. The review is above but maybe somebody is too lazy to read it so I’ll just say it was surprisingly good and classy for a slasher movie about a guy with bees in his stomach that likes to gut people with a gorey hook hand. Anyway I decided as a completist and foolish optimist I should give these two other Candyman adventures a shot. Maybe lightning strikes three times, you know.

Well truth be told, number 2 is not all that bad. It’s just not all that good either. This one is directed by Bill Condon, who went on to do GODS AND MONSTERS and KINSEY and write some musicals. So it’s not just a random hack, although nobody knew it at the time because this was 1995, it was before they had time travel. Anyway it treats the material as seriously as the first one does, but it’s less dreamy and more literal. The setting is moved to New Orleans which we find out is Candyman’s birthplace.

Unless I missed it, they never gave Candyman a name in the first one. But the same professor who told us his story in part 1 reappears here for a (unexpectedly short) book tour promoting a book about Candyman. And he explains that he was a painter named Daniel Robataille. Throughout the movie we see flashbacks showing exactly what happened to him, how he got the name Candyman (not actually a very convincing answer to that one, actually), where the mirror thing came from, and more. (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Horror, Reviews | No Comments »

Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough

Saturday, March 12th, 2005

Dear Blue Bay P.D.:

Please stop me before I kill again.

No, just kiddin bud, actually I am writing to warn you guys about a growing threat to your wealthy Florida community: a new breed of scheming young nubile con artists known as “wild things.” There have been at least six of these wild things wreaking havoc in your area to date and could be more on the way if you’re not careful.

These wild things first hit spectacularly in 1998 and in two less inspired copycat cases since. Don’t worry though, they should be easy to catch if you would start paying attention. I’ll give you the profile for typical wild things to help you out.

First of all, they always work in teams. They got one whiny, spoiled super-rich girl raised by a single parent, who says “bitch” alot. And then they got a slightly tougher “swamp trash” brunette who lives in a trailer. At school these two will pretend to hate each other, but behind closed doors they actually make out in a swimming pool, rub each other’s boobs, etc.

You are looking for young girls comfortable in swimsuits. Their hobbies include riding around on swamp boats, slapping people and having cat fights in swimming pools. Also, three way sex. Yes, you are also looking for a third member of the team who is always some kind of male authority figure such as a teacher or medical examiner. These three primary members are always involved in three way sex. That’s the wild things way of life. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: , ,
Posted in Action, Drama, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »

Vampires: The Turning

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

ATT.: HARRY DEPT.

RE: VAMPIRES: THE TURNING

Warning: this is a long and overly detailed review of a straight to video sequel to VAMPIRES. Do not read.

It all started in 1998, in the Mexican desert. A Vatican sanctioned SWAT team of ultra-macho, leather jacket wearing vampire slayers faced down a Euro-trash “master vampire,” wiped out his nest and shut down a prophecy. Much shit was talked, at least one innocent naked woman was degraded, many many heads were cut off, and quite a few vampires were dragged screaming by tow cables into the desert sun. JOHN CARPENTER’S VAMPIRES is a sleazy, amoral good time, maybe his most underrated, and definitely his most successful mix of western and horror. And gorey. I remember one scene, the master vampire crashed a hotel party full of drunken vampire slayers and jiggling whores, walked right up to Mark Boone Junior and tore him in half using one hand. Much fun was had by all.

One forgettable straight to video sequel starring Jon Bon Jovi later, we find ourselves in Thailand, where vampires ride around on motorcycles at night wearing funny clothes and goggles, and when they confront our hero (a whiny, uncharismatic American tourist) there isn’t head cutting, there is kickboxing. You know, in case BLADE 1-3 and however many seasons of BUFFY THE VAMPIRES SLAYER tv show didn’t cover that area enough. At some point in the last decade vampires stopped being pouty self-loathing poets and became ninja henchmen. Hard to say which is better, I guess. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Dear fellas,

As promised back when I reviewed WILD THINGS 2: DARK TERRITORY, I have returned with a review of STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION, a much better straight to video sequel in my opinion. But that’s not saying much. But it’s okay though.

This part 2 is directed by Mr. Phil Tippett, the special effects genius who worked on such other part 2s as STAR WARS part 2, INDIANA JONES part 2, ROBOCOP part 2 and HOUSE part 2. He was also “demon supervisor” on THE GOLDEN CHILD part 1. He has his own studio which did some of the effects in BLADE part 2, in case any of the talkbackers were wondering how I was gonna work that one into this review.

Anyway more importantly Mr. Tippett did the effects for the first STARSHIP TROOPERS and he has also brought back the same writer, Ed “I also did ROBOCOP” Neumeier. So we’ve got some of the same people involved, even if we’re missing the crucial ingredient of Paul Verhoeven, perverted Dutchman.

The story though is scaled way down, obviously. It starts with a big bug battle like in the original, only this time it has a real “yep, you got us, we shot this in a basement in Vancouver” feel to it. Like they got 4 people huddled together trying to pretend they’re a crowd of hundreds. It feels pretty cheap and reminds you of how epic Verhoeven’s picture was, going between a futuristic Earth, various war zone planets and big space battles. Especially since they use a couple clips from the original movie in the opening propaganda reel. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: , ,
Posted in Action, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | No Comments »

Wild Things 2

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Howdy boys

Not sure if you got this review that I sent you boys last week. Maybe you didn’t feel it was up to my meticulous standards. But I feel the people have a right to know. A right to know that there is a WILD THINGS 2.

So yep, I saw WILD THINGS 2. Unneccessary direct to video sequel to underrecognized 1998 John McNaughton masterpiece. And believe it or not I’ve been waiting for this one anxiously. Not expecting it would be anything other than garbage, but just hoping on the off chance that maybe it would be fun. Yeah, I’ll give you two guesses which one it was. The first one. The one about the garbage, and the not being anything other than, or whatever it was I just said.

There are a couple of ways you could do a sequel to WILD THINGS. All of them would be bad.

  1. The continuing adventures of Neve Campbell’s character, now rich and living on a tropical island somewhere under a new, blonder identity. She likes to sail boats and shit. Neve probaly wouldn’t do it (especially if it’s straight to video) so they’d have to throw some ballet into the plot somewheres to try to convince her. If she didn’t bite, they’d get some girl from Roswell, maybe. And she’d have to be teamed up with Bill Murray’s sleazy lawyer character, but Bill probaly wouldn’t do it (because he’s coming off one of the best movies of his career, and he might be about to finally get an Oscar, and he might be a liability anyway because he’s the star of fucking GARFIELD). So I’m guessing they’d cast Jim Belushi.
  2. A sort of straight to video spin-off franchise centered completely around the Bill Murray character. Maybe it takes place before WILD THINGS, and it shows all the fucked up cases he gets involved in over there in the swamplands. Belushi is not available but they managed to get Patrick Warburton. Fred Willard cameos. Coolio maybe works at the law office. If not, Ice-T is the villain. Mario Van Peebles plays the district attorney.
  3. A new tale of crime in the Everglades, involving knowingly over-the-top sleaze, cold-hearted young girls, unexpected plot twists. Not connected to any of the characters from the original, but connected in setting and spirit.

Well, when I heard they were making WILD THINGS 2 (working title: THE GLADES) I assumed they were going for #3. A new tale of crime in the etc. etc. (you can read it again, I’m not gonna retype the whole fucking thing). But instead they invented approach #4: a new set of characters in the same place re-enacts the same story with minor variations and a different ending. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: ,
Posted in Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »

Cube 2: Hypercube and Dracula II: Ascension

Monday, February 17th, 2003

Boys -

It’s me Vern. Remember me, I write articles, win awards, etc. Today I am returning to my old shtick of reviewing straight to video sequels nobody asked for. Enjoy!

Actually the first picture I’m gonna deal with here is not completely un-asked for. The first movie CUBE was one of those small time cult movies that nobody is really rabid about but everybody kind of likes. The premise is that a group of strangers find themselves inside strange, symmetrical rooms with vault doors on each side. When they go through a door, they find themselves in a room exactly like the last one. And when they go through one of the doors in there, it’s another room exactly like that one. And when they go through one of the doors in there, it’s another room exactly like that one. And I could go on man. There’s nowhere to go. So of course they get into a George A. Romero type deal where they each have a different background and they argue and what not by they try to put aside their differences to solve the puzzle of “what in fuck’s name is going on here.” There is math, etc.

The acting is not all that great and none of the actors really have the kind of screen presence you want them to have. And the dialogue isn’t exactly on Romero’s level. But it’s such a good premise that you can’t help but enjoy it.

Well CUBE 2: HYPERCUBE is almost the same level of quality as the first one, its main downfall being that we’ve already seen this before. They do shake up the premise a little by introducing this idea of the “hypercube.” I don’t know if they made this up or if this is some actual thing that weirdo math guys are into, but the idea is that it is a 4 dimensional cube. There is length, width, depth, and the mysterious fourth dimension. Maybe time, maybe smell, who knows what it is. Only some math whiz guy I guess. Not me, I am a Writer. (more…)

3 people like this post.
Unlike

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 1 Comment »

Vampires: Los Muertos

Monday, July 15th, 2002

Well boys there’s nothin like a mediocre straight to video sequel to start off your day. I didn’t even know they were makin a sequel to this one until I got ahold of the screener tape. I guess alot of people would ask “Who the fuck cares about VAMPIRES?” and laugh it off. It’s always weird when out of the blue they got a sequel to some movie you never knew anybody really thought about anymore, like URBAN LEGEND or MIMIC or MEN IN BLACK.

But I like most of Mr. Carpenter’s works and I think VAMPIRES is one of the good ones. James Woods is great throwin on the leather jacket to put his skinny old man frame in the Kurt Russell/Roddy Piper role. I guess he made up alot of his lines and maybe that’s why they work (Roddy Piper did the same in THEY LIVE. I bet poor Ice Cube stuck to the script in JOHN CARPENTER’S DISAPPOINTING GHOSTS OF MARS. I still can’t believe his name was “Desolation Williams.”)

Nothing about VAMPIRES seemed real radical but it had a feel of its own. How many vampire movies take place mostly in daylight in sunny, dusty Mexico, with that famous John Carpenter “it’s really a western” tone? And it just had a raunchiness that was much needed at the time, with the most macho dialogue of any John Carpenter movie, all the main characters being sadistic assholes, and lots of the ol’ latex-and-blood-packs gore effects. I don’t remember any god damn morphing in that picture. The master vampire tore Mark Boone Junior in half, and it was organic.

And if none of that impresses you you at least had to appreciate the first attack on a vampire nest, seeing the way these vampire hunters have methodically worked out their SWAT team tactics so they can hook vampires up to cables and drag them out into the sun. Fuckin vampires.

So I’m sure there are a few people out there like me who appreciated VAMPIRES, and a couple of them might even think hey, VAMPIRES was done on a low budget, it had a premise that could easily be continued with different characters, maybe I’ll check this one out. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: , ,
Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews | 2 Comments »

Page 5 of 512345