Well, I’m not sure if we’ve reached that milestone yet, I might be cherrypicking my examples there. But add this to the evidence file: we got another DTV sequel that is clearly superior to the theatrical original. This one has been out for a while and at least one of you recommended it to me before, and I finally followed up on that once I made the connection that PISTOL WHIPPED and DEATH RACE 2 were both pretty good, both directed by this same guy, Roel Reine. Yes, my friends, the prestigious WWE Films have followed up their hugely disappointing PG-13 boring-version-of-COMMANDO with a solid, enjoyable UNDER SIEGE ripoff. (I would say DIE HARD ripoff but it’s more like UNDER SIEGE because he’s a soldier, he doesn’t do wisecracks and he has some help).

Part 1 starred WWE wrestler John Cena as the awesomely named Marine John Triton. Unfortunately Cena was lacking in screen presence and the movie was limp in between the great explosions that made up the trailer. (To be fair he was better in Renny Harlin’s 12 ROUNDS.) For part 2 it’s an unrelated Marine character now played by – well I’ll be damned – the one and only Ted Dibiase.

’s son.

If you’re like me and you watched WWF wrestling in the ’80s then you remember The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. Well, it turns out there’s a Ted Dibiase junior who is now a big time wrestler and is more of a crew-cutted muscleman type. He actually seems like quite a gentleman, which is a surprise having grown up with a cruel father who gets a boner from paying poor people to do humiliating things like lick his boots or crawl around barking like a dog. He was one of the great wrestling heels of the era, a chubby asshole in a shiny tuxedo-themed outfit (looked more like a kid’s Halloween costume than a real tuxedo) who bragged about his money and used it to force people to degrade themselves. Kind of like a cross between Andy Kaufman’s wrestling persona and THE MAGIC CHRISTIAN. Today kids are trained to admire rich people because they buy ridiculous jeweled watches made from the blood of African peasants, they name colognes and headphones after themselves, then their daughters make blow job videos and don’t wear underwear and that sprouts like six different reality shows so they start a record label and appear in movies and turn their friends into celebrities and then everybody who has sex on video with their friend also becomes famous and etc. That’s our royalty now, but in those days some people knew that rich people were cruel and and loved to degrade us and had black servants to carry their money for them. It was a way cooler theme for a wrestling villain than just “Russian guy” or “Iranian guy.”

But the wikipedia informs me that Ted Junior has retained the services of the Million Dollar Man’s stoic bodyguard Virgil. I bet little Teddy was raised and mentored by Virgil, sort of like Bruce Wayne’s relationship with Alfred or Annie’s with Punjab. I bet he grew up to honor the values of the working man instead of his prick of a father. I bet he’s trying to turn around the legacy of the Dibiase family and making things right.

Oh, never mind, it says here that Ted Jr. was a real jerk, he stuffed a hundred dollar bill in Virgil’s mouth and fired him. I guess he just seems nice in movies. In the real world of wrestling it’s a different story.

Anyway, Dibiase plays an elite marine on leave from Afghanistan. He wants to go home but his PR-woman wife has to attend the opening of a beach resort in the South Sea Islands, and she’s allowed to bring him along. Unfortunately for their vacation, but fortunately for our home viewing experience, an army of rebel guerillas led by Temuera “Vern hasn’t seen ONCE WERE WARRIORS yet so he has to refer to him as Jango Fett” Morrison take some of the guests, including his wife, hostage.

At first the locals try to take care of it and send in a team of mercenaries. But Dibiase is a micro-manager when it comes to saving his wife from terrorists, so he insists on going on with them, which they are not happy with. There’s a great moment where almost on a whim one of the mercs hands him a sniper rifle and lets him take a difficult shot. When he nails it suddenly they respect each other. But some other things go wrong.

Dibiase isn’t a charisma explosion like The Rock or somebody, but I thought he was very likable in a boy scout type of way, an old fashioned square-jawed, broad-shouldered, crew-cutted All-American asskicker with a sense of justice, expert marksmanship and unexplained body slamming skills. This is a surprise because not only is he the DTV replacement for a somewhat wooden original, but he was also the last minute substitute for some other wrestler I know nothing about who had to drop out because of an injury.

One nice treat is that Michael Rooker is in it and actually has a good supporting role. He runs scuba tours on the island and has a friendly rivalry with the marine because he’s ex-army. In a trustworthy action movie this means he’s gonna help out later, and this happens to be a trustworthy action movie. In fact I think the camaraderie between these two is one of the highlights of the movie.

Reine has proven himself a dependable DTV director, with a solid sense of story and focus on characters. But until now I haven’t noticed his action standing out as anything special. Most of the violence here is decent to good. Alot of it involves people getting shot or blown up and falling off of balconies. But there’s one really standout fight scene where Dibiase takes on two guys at the same time, pitting his hybrid military-WWE style against Muay Thai. And the scene is very uniquely constructed filmatically speaking.

At first it’s what you expect from a movie starring a wrestler – every one or two punches and kicks is a separate shot. It’s not too fast, you can follow it, but it doesn’t have the kind of jolt I’m looking for. Then all the sudden there’s a shot that goes on for 30 full seconds with multiple moves, some of them pretty complex, people getting flipped and thrown into things. The camera doesn’t stay still – actually, it rotates around the fighters, but it’s very clear easy to follow, and it looks cool.

When it finally does cut the next shot is about 20 seconds long before it goes back into shorter cuts. So there is a good chunk of uninterrupted action in there. You don’t usually see that these days.

I was so impressed with this scene that after the movie was over I went back and watched it again to study how it was put together, and then I checked and found that indeed there was an extra called “East Meets West” where they talk about the making of the scene. Reine says that he intentionally started out with short cuts to make it seem like a normal Hollywood approach to action, before going into the longer shots. I’m not sure I understand his motive behind that but it makes for a good comparison for scholars like us, to show how much more exciting long takes are in fight scenes than quick cuts.

The fight also has a nice move where he kicks a guy’s head through a wooden plank, and the featurette is really interesting because it explains how they did it: they had him kick a guy’s head through a wooden plank. Of course it was not very strong wood, but they show how he actually had to kick the guy hard to try to get it through, and he failed the first couple of times. I’m sure Dibiase is used to taking alot of hits in the ring (and seeing it happen to other people, since his dad, two brothers, grandma and step-grandpa were all pro wrestlers) so it means something when he’s in complete awe of the toughness of the Thai stunt crew.

One of the other action highlights is a foot chase. I noticed that in this scene Reine has some wobbly handheld COPS or LAWMAN type shots, but these always switch to clear, steady shots and plenty of overheads to show the layout of where the characters are, where they’re headed and what they’re surrounded by. I think Kathryn Bigelow did something similar in that great foot chase in POINT BREAK. Wherever Reine got it from I think he’s doing it exactly right – injecting a little shakycam flavoring for that visceral deep-in-the-shit thrill so many directors are foolishly looking after, but without sacrificing the important ingredient of knowing what the hell is going on in order to be excited about it.

There’s nothing real original about this movie, it’s all based on cliches and formulas. But these are cliches and formulas that most filmatists these days just abuse and take advantage of us with. Reine actually makes a solid, enjoyable movie out of it. Congratulations to Reine, WWE Films and the Dibiase family. And Virgil if he helped at all.

Harrison Ford plays President Marshall, who has just helped the Russians to capture a Kazhakstani tyrant and then made an unplanned speech about how the U.S. will no longer waste time with diplomacy or sanctions. Instead they’ll do the other thing, the awesome thing that is the other choice that the speech will not describe in detail so that nobody thinks about any specifics so it seems like something awesome he just said and we can all get behind it.

Flying home on Air Force One, the president is in for some shit: turns out Xander Berkley is not playing a rare good guy role as head of the secret service – he’s actually a traitor. And they didn’t hire Gary Oldman just to play a reporter on the plane – he’s actually a terrorist and he hijacks the plane. The president seemingly gets away in an escape pod (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK was right!) but little do they know he actually stayed on board, because these colors don’t escape.

That’s because this is no ordinary president. He gets his own Just How Badass Is He? scene – turns out he’s a medal of honor winner, flew more missions in Vietnam than etc. etc. Like John McClane he sneaks around, gets mistaken for a security guard, finds a way to call outside, has to convince a rude operator that he’s not making a prank phone call, has to deal with assholes in authority who don’t like his methods (the Secretary of Defense in this case), has one person who believes in him (Vice President Glenn Close). Oldman isn’t like Hans Grueber though. He really believes in his cause and doesn’t ask for money. He makes a comment about all the Iraqis killed in the Gulf War, which was unusual to discuss in the US in 1997. But other than that he’s not that complex of a character.

It’s a pretty effective movie, with lots of escalating mayhem and plenty of danger every time they think they’re home free. But I don’t know, sometimes it rubs me the wrong way when somebody’s trying to push my buttons that hard. It doesn’t seem like the asskicking president who risks his life to save hostages is supposed to be absurd. It seems like you’re supposed to think, “Yes, of course! Because we’re AMERICA!” The music is so majestic it would make John Walker Lindh spontaneously recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Over and over again the president saves others before himself, risks his life unnecessarily and against the wishes of his security team, just to show he’s not a chickenhawk. And because he’s a micromanager. He engages in shootouts, fisticuffs, sabotage, piloting, rappelling. His wife and even his 12 year old daughter are too tough to crack even at gunpoint. They talk tough to the terrorist and say things like “My father is a great man!” and “He will NEVER negotiate!”

Of course it’s a nice fantasy, we like to think we’re that tough. It’s what would happen if Jesse Ventura was president. But it’s hard not to wince at that foreign policy speech:

“The truth is, we acted too late. Only when our own national security was threatened, did we act. Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It’s your turn to be afraid. ”

Yeah, must’ve sounded real nice before pre-emptive war and “Axis of Evil” and “with us or against us” and all that shit. This is actually more extreme than Bush, he at least pretended there were national security reasons. President Marshall says national security concerns are selfish.

I mean, I wish it was that easy. Obviously in the movie you’re supposed to accept it as a serious and good idea that he’s gonna follow through on. But that means he’s gonna be running all over the world stopping terrorists in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Israel and Palestine, not to mention the countries of the former Soviet Union this movie is concerned with, plus all the atrocities going on all over Africa. And I bet he could find some work in South America. Remember, no negotiating. We will never negotiate. We said so. It would look bad.

To be fair, this is a president with a hands-on approach. He didn’t dodge the draft and even if it turned out his war record was trumped up it wouldn’t matter because his post-war record is even more impressive. Maybe when he makes that speech he’s talking about what he personally is gonna do. He’s gonna fly in there and hit somebody with a stool.

In this type of movie you don’t get many quirky touches. There is a kind of funny part where the president gets the idea to dump Air Force One’s fuel because he sees a milk carton leaking. I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t sound that funny, but I get a kick out of watching Harrison Ford stare thoughtfully at leaking milk. That’s it! I’ll pour milk on them.

The director is Wolfgang Peterson, 2 years after he did IN THE LINE OF FIRE. I guess Clint’s secret service agent character must’ve been retired by ‘97 so it’s a good thing we have a president who can take care of himself. Of course, Clint would’ve known that Xander Berkley was a Judas and would’ve snapped his little legs. The whole thing never would’ve happened.

I guess the other item of note is Glenn Close as the vice president. This was the year before Morgan Freeman was a black president in DEEP IMPACT (and same year as Tiny Lister in THE FIFTH ELEMENT). Casting like that was kind of a novelty and seemed sort of progressive. The idea is just because we haven’t had a woman vice president doesn’t mean we can’t. And when you see it in a movie you see that there’s nothing weird about it. You get used to the idea, maybe.

But they’re not as gender-blind as they think they are. Close is a very confident and intimidating ballbuster, but right before she goes on the phone with the terrorists she has a timid little moment to take a deep breath, like the whole thing is an act and she really is “sweating in her silk blouse” as Gary Oldman taunts. I mean, it adds a layer to the character, but I’m just saying, they’d never do that with a male character. So even if they’re saying that a woman can do the job the same they’re also showing that they can’t quite.

I mean, she’s the heroic one on the outside of the plane but when it comes down to it her whole success is to avoid making a tough decision and just assume the president will save the day. I think she got lucky more than did the right thing.

By the way, I’m pretty sure the president keeps his tie on for the entire movie. I kept wanting him to use it to strangle somebody, but he didn’t. I guess to take it off would be undignified and give comfort to America’s enemies in addition to giving comfort to America’s president’s neck. Plus, if the Transporter wears a tie then so can the asskicking president.

According to IMDb trivia, the script was written for Kevin Costner, who suggested Harrison Ford, and if he had turned it down the other choices would’ve been Schwarzenegger, Keanu Reeves, and Dennis Quaid. That might be bullshit but it’s funny to think about either Arnold or Keanu as president. Actually, that might’ve made it more memorable.

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Note: I sent this in to Ain’t It Cool last night but they didn’t post it, so what the hell, outlawvern.com exclusive. I’d kind of feel bad posting it there anyway because it’s not a very positive review and I don’t want to bum everybody out. But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do I guess.

In COMMAND PERFORMANCE, director/co-writer Mr. Dolph Lundgren also steps out from behind the camera to star as the hero Joe. He’s just a regular guy, your usual American biker who hates guns and lives in Moscow and plays drums for a band called CMF who are opening for an American pop singer performing for the Russian president and his daughters when they’re taken hostage by vengeful terrorists and has to save the day. In other words, DIE HARD in a rock concert, with Dolph Lundgren on drums.

I know there are a contingent of you out there who are as excited for this one as I was. It’s the most anticipated DTV movie of the year besides the Scott Adkins/Isaac Florentine joint NINJA. So it kills me to say this but I don’t think COMMAND PERFORMANCE is one of Dolph’s better efforts.

It’s not a total bust. Some nice touches come out of the absurdity of Dolph playing “a rocker” as he calls himself. It is funny to see Dolph with tribal tattoos on his arms and rockin out on the drums. He does kill a guy with an electric guitar. And he keeps mentioning recording contracts and royalty rates and shit in the midst of the action. When he finds the president he asks, “You okay, dude?”

But otherwise I’m afraid the execution of the concept is pretty weak. Dolph has shown himself to be a decent director before, so maybe he just doesn’t have the required understanding of the DIE HARD formula. I think COMMAND PERFORMANCE fails in two of the most crucial aspects of the formula:

1. THE VILLAIN. This villain is a Russian soldier angry at the president for the death of his father long ago. He’s menacing enough but he’s not fun to hate and has no humor or crazy over-the-topness. He doesn’t delight in being evil, so he’s not as enjoyable to watch as Alan Rickman in DIE HARD, Jeremy Irons in DIE HARD 3, Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey in UNDER SIEGE, Eric Bogosian and Everett McGill in UNDER SIEGE 2, Powers Boothe in SUDDEN DEATH, Dennis Hopper in SPEED, etc. If you’re gonna use this plot structure you gotta realize your movie is gonna be held up against all the other similar ones and you better make sure it can withstand the comparison.

B. THE GEOGRAPHY. In DIE HARD the building setting is crucial, and you know where he is in the building and where the hostages are. Location is important to a DIE HARD ripoff – hence “DIE HARD on a boat,” “DIE HARD on a boat on a train,” etc. Unfortunately, Dolph doesn’t take much advantage of the concert hall setting or manage to establish its layout. Like much of DTV (Seagal’s terrible AGAINST THE DARK comes to mind) it just seems like the good guys are in some gloomy room somewhere slowly walking to other similar rooms, who knows where, could be anywhere in the building. When they do encounter terrorists the action is usually too chaotic and darkly lit to easily tell what’s going on.

And since he’s a biker, not some special forces guy or something, Dolph doesn’t do any karate. Not even biker karate. Not even drummer karate. He just punches people, shoots and stabs in the head. There are a couple good moves. I did like when he stabbed a guy’s chin and you could see the blade through the mouth. Good one Joe. And the idea of “he used to be in a biker gang” explaining why he can take on a highly prepared paramilitary force makes me laugh (in a good way). He teams up with a surviving member of the president’s security team who seems embarrassed to repeat that explanation when he’s communicating with people on the outside. “Well, um, he used to be in–”

I’m glad it’s not some spoof or something, but this movie could’ve benefited from embracing the absurdity of the concept more. I know it’s a fine line to walk, and it’s gotta be hard to put yourself out there in this world so full of condescending ironic dickheads on the internet and the E! network and shit who dedicate their lives to saying sarcastic bullshit about supposedly “has been” celebrities. I understand Dolph doesn’t want people to laugh at him. But fuck it, you’re making DIE HARD in a rock concert, you can’t worry about not being plausible enough. So the biker should know karate, in my opinion. And use drumsticks as weapons.

In Dolph’s defense he does take advantage of the rocker gimmick more then Seagal takes advantage of being a cook in UNDER SIEGE. But I still think he could do better. He could used a bass drum pedal to pound on somebody’s head, a cymbal to slice somebody’s throat (”Joe exclusively slits throats with Zildjian cymbals” it could say on the credits). He could spin a knife the same way he spins a drumstick. He could have a rotating airborne drumkit like the dude from Motley Crue, then lock a terrorist inside and spin him to death. He could lose an arm like the guy from Def Leppard. (okay, that one needs work.) There’s alot more he could’ve done.

I mean, think about John Woo’s BLACKJACK. That’s one of my favorite Dolph pictures, and he plays a guy who’s afraid of the color white who ends up having to fight a bad guy in a dairy with milk spraying all over him. That’s a movie that’s not afraid of some pricks laughing at it. It holds its head high and doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. It has high self-esteem. If his character in BLACKJACK was a drummer I believe he would’ve gone all the way with it, and that’s the kind of Dolph movie I want to see.

I probaly don’t need to tell you that the rock music is cheesy. Then there’s this pop singer Venus played by Melissa Smith, best known to her friends and family I imagine, but also apparently for something called “The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll.” For her act they just exactly recreate the type of prepackaged garbage real-life manufactured pop stars perform, and they show this at the beginning of the movie and on the end credits as if you might actually want to watch it. It takes a good half hour before the terrorists even take over and then they just sit in a room for most of the movie, there’s no unfolding plan. So the story doesn’t have much momentum. It’s just not as exciting as it should be.

On the positive side, Dolph’s not playing Russian. I appreciate that.

Oh well, Dolph is still cool, and he’s the reigning Hardest Working Man in DTV. As the back of the screener says, “Dolph Lundgren has appeared in over 14 films since 2000!” Before THE EXPENDABLES he still has 2 DTVs coming out, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: A NEW BEGINNING and another one he directed called ICARUS. That one looks pretty cool and has Bo Svenson in it.

Of Dolph’s recent releases I’d say COMMAND PERFORMANCE is not as good as DIRECT CONTACT, MISSIONARY MAN or DIAMOND DOGS, but much more watchable than RETROGRADE (which I never reviewed because I turned it off after a while).

I hope some of you will enjoy it more than I did, but you’ll have to wait until November 3rd. Until then I recommend checking out Jérémie Damoiseau’s ultimate Dolph coverage at Dolph: The Ultimate Guide .

I’ll be back soon with a couple more reviews including one that I believe might be (you better sit down for this) the best DTV movie of the year.

thanks fellas,
sorry Oleg,
–Vern
www.outlawvern.com

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