A bunch of actual good movies came out this week, and I’ll review a couple of them soon. First I have to catch up with this crap I saw last week…

As you know, and as the TV news in this movie will tell you, the Mayans predicted that the world would end on December 21st, 2012. So in this movie it does. Actually, that must be the fictionalized, eclipse-fearing Mayans of APOCALYPTO that predicted that, because the real Mayans didn’t. They just had a calendar which considered somewhere around that date to be the end of an era. They also predicted things that would happen after 2012, so obviously they didn’t expect the world to end. Let’s not hang all this doom and gloom on them. They invented chocolate.

2012 is the story of a 7-year old girl who faces down the violent destruction of the entire world except for Africa, and learns to stop wetting her bed. Seriously, the last line of the movie is about her not having to wear pull-ups anymore. That’s what Roland Emmerich thought was important to end on.

This is a movie where millions, maybe billions of people die, but it’s rated PG-13 because nobody ever says “two buildings are collapsing and we have to drive between them in order to get to safety, oh fuck!” After the most enjoyable sequence of the movie, in which all of Los Angeles acts like a balsa wood model on top of a water bed with a fat guy jumping up and down on the matress, there’s a closeup of a guy’s arm with a little trickle of blood dripping down it. And I thought that’s weird, how is this the first wound we’ve seen? Everybody else just gets swallowed cleanly into the earth I guess.

The movie opens with my man Chiwetel Eijiofor travelling to India to talk to a guy in a mine deep in the earth. It’s kind of cool to imagine this is the opening of a bigger budget REDBELT 2 and he’s going to visit an old friend to find out something. Maybe the workers in the mines are being harassed by corrupt soldiers, and he has to teach them how to defend themselves, I don’t know. Unfortunately he turns out to be a geologist or a scientist of some kind, not a martial artist.

Danny Glover plays the president, and you can do the same with him. Obviously we want him to be the same character from PREDATOR 2, and his defeat of (and later endorsement by) the Predator must’ve been what made him so popular. Otherwise how would he have unseated Obama? But then I realized wait a minute, he’s already the president before Obama’s term would end, so this is an alternate timeline. At the same time a Schwarzenegger imitator plays the governor of California, so it’s not 100% separate from our world. I bet those Star Trek fuckers screwed something up when they went through that black hole or whatever.

By the way, isn’t it kind of funny that when they had a black president in DEEP IMPACT it was a cool novelty, but in this movie Emmerich had to have a black president or he’d look like an asshole? Our progress as a nation can be measured through our crappy disaster movies.

Most of the movie centers around John Cusack as an obscure writer of self-published Atlantis-related novels with a part time job as a limo driver. He finds out about certain doom from a crazy (but correct) talk radio host (Woody Harrelson) and tries to save his kids, ex-wife and her new boyfriend (the director of THE STATION AGENT) through his connections to a rich boxing family. Goverment officials and the super rich are boarding giant boats ($1 billion per ticket) which will protect them when the entire world floods. There’s alot of debate about letting people die when there’s extra room on the ship, and I guess since Cusack is a limo driver he represents the hired help trying to get a piece in a world controlled by the Man. Chewitel gets on the boat because he works for the White House, but his dad goes out playing jazz for tourists on a cruise ship. That’s how it works.

But everybody who gets to China ends up let onto the boat. It’s only the people with no faith in the system, who try to sneak onto the boat – Cusack and his family, the Russian family – who almost get crushed to death when the gates open. They should’ve had faith that Chewitel would talk some humanity into the world leaders. He’s Redbelt, man! He knows the escape!

And I guess there are some survivors, so it does follow the Mayan calendar after all. Just the end of the era of having multiple continents, not the end of the world. Let’s not blow things out of proportion.

I guess it’s time to stop being surprised that they line up so many good actors for a movie like this. I just hope Ejiofor uses it to fund himself while he does smaller movies, and doesn’t just become a guy wasting his talents playing generic supporting roles in bad studio movies. There’s not much room to do much in any of these roles, except maybe Harrelson’s, but I didn’t think he was very funny, unfortunately. I guess the nicest thing I can say is that Thandie Newton plays the first daughter and this is her first role in years where I didn’t hate her.

I apologize for going to see this. I knew it wouldn’t be good. The only Emmerich movie I ever liked was UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. 10,000 BC was kind of funny, but not that much. This one seemed to take the stupid disaster formula to the limit by not just destroying select landmarks, but pretty much wiping out the entire surface of the earth. Its hero seems to be by far the greatest driver in the history of automobiles considering how he dodged every solid object in the city of Los Angeles, and his ex-wife is also dating the all time best amateur pilot. Those make for two hilarious and cool disaster sequences, and there are other funny parts, like the scene where a plane dumps expensive sports cars all over the Himalayas. And if we’re gonna give Emmerich credit for doing what you’re supposed to do then give him credit for making action scenes where you can tell where the good guys are, which direction they’re moving in and what is happening to them. That’s getting to be a rare skill.

So I think I see what some people enjoyed in this, but I thought it was kind of boring. Most of the movie is pretty weighed down by all the dull drama between characters you couldn’t possibly care about. Then again, I’m not sure I’d want to see the good version of this movie. If the characters seemed real it would just be horrifying and upsetting.

The best thing about the movie is Chewetel Ejiofor. He plays Mike Terry, the instructor at a small, struggling jiu-jitsu academy, and a total fucking badass. He has some ties to bigshots in competitive mixed martial arts (or “karate potpouri” I believe they prefer to call it) but he doesn’t consider competition fights to be honorable, so he won’t do that even when he needs the money badly. It’s best to just let the plot fall into place, it’s not exactly high concept. But I will say that it involves some coincidence, a broken window, some lies, and some sleeper holds.

I don’t know how much training Ejiofor did. The fights are shot pretty close up, unfortunately. But the way he carries himself is very convincing. He’s still intelligent and sensitive like some of his other characters, but also he could kick your ass. I always like this guy when I see him but this is his best performance and character that I’ve seen.

Give some credit to Mr. Mamet of course. He found a great alternative to the classic Steven Seagal “Just How Badass is He?” speech. As much as I love characters listing the hero’s badass qualifications it’s refreshing how Mamet leaves it at hints. Like when Mike runs into a tough guy friend of his training stuntmen how to knife fight, and they start talking about this movie producer. Mike’s friend asks:

“Did he ask you if you were in the military?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you tell him what you did?”
“He didn’t ask.”

Nothing more on the subject is said, or needs to be said.

There aren’t too many fights and when there are they aren’t take-your-breath-away showstoppers like in the best martial arts movies. They’re more matter of fact and realistic. Two dudes grunting and trying to crush each other’s throats. SPARTAN (which was Mamet’s version of a special ops badass movie) did have a couple perfectly staged action moments, not so in this one. I think that’s the one thing that could’ve made the movie better for me would be if it actually did go for a little more action movie thrills (without abandoning what they already have here). But oh well, I’m not gonna cry about it.

What I have not mentioned at all yet is the most important aspect of REDBELT, and the main reason I loved it. No, not Tim Allen. The most important part is the code of honor. The story comes entirely out of Mike and his students’ code of honor. They make decisions based on their codes even if it’s gonna get themselves in trouble or make their wives mad at them. The most important thing is not bringing shame upon the academy. One scene I love is when Mike and his wife (Alice Braga, the woman from I AM LEGEND) are arguing about something Mike and his student did to help a stranger that loses them some money. She asks if he thinks that’s noble and he says “No, I think it’s correct.”

Man, I’m a sucker for a good code of honor story, and that theme in this movie is about as right-on as they come. Makes me want to stand up and cheer, like KNIGHTRIDERS. The story is about Mike sticking to his code in the face of the corrupt moneymaking behemoths of Hollywood and professional sports. Like most people these days he is surrounded by people who see nothing wrong with selling out ancient traditions and values for profits, who think doing something because it’s “correct” is naive and silly. He sticks to his guns and he takes some losses because of it, but he has some victories too. The story also applies his jiu-jitsu philosophy to the dangers he faces outside of the ring. Listen to what he says in his classes, most of what he’s talking about applies to more than just fighting.

I believe this is a truly great movie, and I know of five acquaintances and a few readers who saw it and so far it’s unanimous admiration for this one. But Mamet’s style is not for everybody, so I won’t make any guarantees. That’s why I believe now REDBELT should actually turn into an action/exploitation series like the KICKBOXER series or AMERICAN NINJA or something. That way we could all share REDBELT and enjoy it equally. Ejiofor should return and this time it’s all about rescuing somebody that gets kidnapped or cleaning up the neighborhood of drugs or going back to Afghanistan to rescue his platoon who were left behind. And my buddy who I refer to in reviews as “Mr. Armageddon” suggests that he should only be referred to as Redbelt. “That’s no amateur you’re dealing with. That’s Redbelt!”

Of course this would never happen but I’m not being sarcastic, I would honestly love if it did. The character is that great, you just want to see him in any adventure you can get. In REDBELT 4: CIRCLE OF JUSTICE I’m sure he would be played by Michael Jai White or Kirk Sticky Jones, but I’d still give it a shot.

Trivia: I swear to God, Jar Jar Binks himself Ahmed Best is listed on the credits as a stuntman. So look carefully, maybe he gets what they call “knocked the fuck out.”

Well, maybe it was for the best. Now I watched it with lower expectations, in its 20-minutes-longer UNRATED EXTENDED CUT (4 minutes shy of 3 hours) and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I see your “yeah, it was… pretty good” and raise you a “it was… pretty fuckin good.” I am proud to review it alongside such other great American films as AMERICAN PIMP, AMERICAN PSYCHO and AMERICAN NINJA.

In the opening, Harlem’s top gangster and folk hero Bumpy Johnson dies. Frank Lucas (Denzel) has been Bumpy’s driver for years, and takes over his operations, but nobody expects much from him. So nobody really knows what’s going on when he has this brilliant idea: hearing about all the soldiers strung out on heroin in Vietnam, he decides to go there to get dope straight from the source. He uses his connections within the army to use military planes to smuggle it in completely pure. Back home he has an operation to cut it up but makes sure his is twice as strong as the competition, for half the price. And he stamps a name on it: Blue Magic. “That’s a brand name, like Pepsi.”

Meanwhile, there’s this other story about a cop, Richie Roberts, played by Russell Crowe. He’s a tough guy, but a small timer, his life a mess. He’s in the middle of a divorce, he’s trying to get a law degree but having a hard time of it, he gets bit by Kevin Corrigan (a character actor who pops up in everything from GOODFELLAS to THE DEPARTED to SUPERBAD). Him and his partner are trying to bust a bookie, they open his trunk to try to get his slips, and they find a million unmarked dollars in grocery bags. So they turn it in.

That becomes a defining moment for Richie. There’s alot of dirty cops in that department, and they don’t think a guy clean enough to turn in a million dollars is on their side. So he gets a reputation as this impossibly straight arrow and everybody hates him for it, but as his ex-wife points out he’s only an honest cop, not an honest person. He cheated on her, he hangs out with gangsters he knew in high school. Frank Lucas gets married and as far as we can see is faithful, while Richie bangs a long line of stewardesses and lawyers we know little about.

Despite the title, the advertising, and the audience’s inclination toward anti-heroes, I think this is more a movie about Richie than Frank Lucas. I was surprised to find myself more interested in the cop story than the gangster one. Alot of the reviews I read that said this was good but disappointingly not great were comparing it to gangster movies like THE GODFATHER and GOODFELLAS. And no, it’s not in that league. But it’s not really in the same category either, because those movies are about gangsters trying to run their empires and not get busted. AMERICAN GANGSTER is partly about that, but at least half about the cop that’s going to bust him, and how he does it. If anything I guess the bar it can’t clear would be THE DEPARTED.

But the genius of the story is that Richie and Frank don’t even know about each other for most of the movie. It’s 90 minutes in when Richie sees Frank sitting in the front row at a Mohammed Ali fight and wonders “who is that guy?” Frank has a wise rule about not dressing flashy because “the loudest person in the room is the weakest person in the room.” But (and this is what happened in real life too, apparently) he makes the mistake of wearing a ridiculous chinchilla coat and hat to the fight, and calls attention to himself. He realizes his mistake and burns the coat in the fireplace, but even then it’s just because it brought him to the attention of a dirty cop who wants a piece of his action (a William Forsythe-esque Josh Brolin, continuing his 2008 revival I call “BROLIN THUNDER”). But Frank doesn’t know that he has also revealed himself to Richie. It’s not until 2 hours into the movie that he even has an inkling that anybody is following him around. And it’s not until the end that he actually sees Richie.

We watch the stories of Richie and Frank Lucas side-by-side – as Frank calls in his relatives from North Carolina to build his drug empire, Richie puts together an anti-drug strike force for the feds. As Frank buys a mansion, Richie leases an old building to set up his office in. There’s a great Thanksgiving Day montage that contrasts Frank’s turkey dinner with his family to Richie making himself a tunafish and potato chip sandwich, then to Brolin in his more-expensive-than-a-cop’s-salary home, and then to various miserable heroin addicts around the city. I love the construction of this story – they’re all the same story, but they’re on separate tracks that only meet on occasion. It’s like Richie and Frank are these two trains speeding toward a crossover where you know they’re gonna collide. But you don’t mind waiting 3 hours to get there.

Denzel of course does a great job. He plays him kind of noble, and obviously charismatic. You can imagine you would want him to say “my man!” to you like he does whenever he is impressed by somebody. But mostly because you wouldn’t want him to kill you. I disagree with anybody who says they glorify him too much. This is a scary guy. He doesn’t even really start out nicer and go downhill, he’s pretty psychotic. When he brings his brothers to town to work for him he doesn’t even tell them what they’re gonna do at first. Then right after revealing that he’s a dope kingpin he sits them down at a diner, excuses himself, goes out and shoots one of his rivals in the head, right on the sidewalk and at a window where his family can watch. They look like they’re gonna shit their pants. He comes back in and wipes his hands with a napkin before eating. (He should probaly use a sink but I’m glad he at least did something.)

Even before that though, the movie treats him as a bad guy. When he’s taking care of Bumpy’s funeral he might by sympathetic, but the music already sounds scary. And even if that didn’t give us the hint we already saw the first shot of the movie: a guy tied up, screaming for mercy, as Frank splashes gasoline on him. It spills off the guy, mingling with blood from his wounds. Frank lights him on fire. Then, without wincing, without even facing him, he unloads his gun into him. Kind of overkill, in my opinion. But at least he didn’t let him burn to death. Anyway, that’s your introduction to Frank Lucas. Not a nice guy.

The whole cast is great, and it’s one of those movies where you keep finding yourself saying, “I didn’t know he was gonna be in this!” Clarence Williams III plays Bumpy Johnson (uncredited for some reason). Frank’s brothers include Chiwetel Ejiofor and the rapper Common, and I guess his nephew is the rapper T.I. Joe Morton is one of his confidants. Armand Assante and Jon Polito are some of his associates. Cuba Gooding Jr. is one of his rivals. Roger Guenveur Smith (DO THE RIGHT THING, MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE) is his cousin who hooks him up in Vietnam. Richie’s ex-wife is Carla Gugino. He works with Ted Levine. His strike force includes the clerk from the beginning of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN and the RZA (who sports an afro and does a good job in a role that’s a little bigger than I expected). Norman Reedus (Scud in BLADE II) is in one scene. Even Fab 5 Freddy has a cameo. And of course Ruby Dee is in there, she got an Oscar nomination. Man, everybody is in this movie. Why wasn’t I in this movie? Were you in this movie? Chances are you were.

One of the criticisms I’ve heard is that the movie is not very true to life. Not only is alot of it Hollywooded up, but Lucas might’ve lied about some of this shit. Nicky Barnes (Cuba Gooding Jr.’s character) claims Lucas gives himself too much credit, but I don’t know if he can be believed. Lucas himself said the movie was only about 20% true, but thought Denzel had him down perfectly. I’m not sure even that part is believable because in the extras on the DVD he comes off as way more of a hick than Denzel plays him. I’ve seen some people claiming the heroin never really was hidden in coffins, or that Lucas at some point said he only really did it once (which, to be fair, is how many times he’s shown doing it in the movie). And Richie Roberts I guess was mad that they portrayed him as being in a custody battle. This part was probaly not accurate considering that in real life Roberts doesn’t have any kids.

The movie is supposed to be based on the article “The Return of Superfly” from New York Magazine. Interestingly, the article does not mention Richie once. It does mention a cop nicknamed “Babyface” who seems to be the inspiration for Brolin’s character. There’s a funny scene at the end of the movie where Frank laughs at the clothes that gangsters wear in the ’90s, and this comes from something that happens as the author of the article is interviewing Frank. And Frank in the movie has some lines that come from boasts he made in the article. So there’s definitely some truth in there, it’s just mixed around.

But I don’t know, after reading about it the reality or lack thereof doesn’t bother me too much. Yes it’s movie-fied, but alot of what makes the story interesting actually is true. And to me the most interesting truth is that, just like the movie says at the end, Richie and Frank became friends. If you watch the extras on the DVD you can see this with your own eyes – the two of them are on set together as consultants, smiling at each other’s stories, patting each other on the shoulders. Frank gushes about what a good job Richie did prosecuting him. Richie reveals that he’s godfather to Frank’s son, and brags that the kid gets straight A’s.

To me that’s what the movie is about really is these two dudes, opposites, adversaries, but in many ways alike. Living these parallel lives, in opposition to each other, but not even knowing that each other exist. And then eventually when their lives do intersect they have their battle and when it’s all over they look back and think, eh, what’s the point holding a grudge? Even if he did light that guy on fire at the beginning.

So it’s not pure 100% grade A Spike Lee Joint which accounts for its lack of greatness, but I think it’s also kind of a good thing for Spike. He’s never made a movie completely lacking in merit (well, I haven’t seen SHE HATE ME yet) but he seems to get less and less focused as he gets older. Maybe doing one mainstream thriller will get him back in the mode of telling a somewhat concise story. I don’t know.

It’s one of them casts that Entertainment Weekly or somebody would call “high wattage”: Clive Owen is the leader of the bank robbers who storm in in painter’s outfits and take everybody hostage, Denzel (no last name required) is the lead detective, Willem Dafoe is the tactical cop dude that detective Denzel mildly clashes with, and Jodi “this and Flight Plan will probaly be the only times you see me in the next five years” Foster comes out of her bunker for a supporting role as a scary corporate somebody or other who does some sleazy, non-official negotiating between the robbers and the owner of the bank (Christopher Plummer).

Even the style of the movie is kind of watered down by Spike standards. You don’t get the in your face colors of a DO THE RIGHT THING or the crisp, vivid photography of a HE GOT GAME. And he doesn’t even go for his more realistic style. If you look at CLOCKERS and GET ON THE BUS today you can see that Spike was an early adopter of the handheld/changing film stocks/documentaryish/reality style that pretty much everybody does now. INSIDE MAN is not that, it looks more like your usual New York drama that has existed since the ’70s.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s got Spike Lee moments peppered all around. There’s at least 2 or 3 trademark Spike Lee shots, including a moment where instead of showing Denzel running toward the bank they have him attached to some kind of machine so that he appears to fly toward the bank. I don’t know why Spike Lee is so into that gimmick, but I love him for it.

Ken Leung, who was one of the main characters in Spike’s cable-pilot-turned-DTV-joint SUCKER FREE CITY, has a small role in this one. There’s also a shot most people won’t be able to decipher where a guy is asleep holding what appears to be some kind of rocket. If you’ve seen SUCKER FREE CITY though you know it’s The Bomb, a popular malt liquor that comes in a bottle shaped like an atom bomb. I think Spike is getting better at satirizing pop culture than he was a few years ago when he did BAMBOOZLED. Somehow in this one he manages to work in a great jab at Grand Theft Auto type video games.

Later there’s a scene where some hostages have been released and instead of feeling safe they’re then cuffed and manhandled by the cops who need to interview them, and they’re thrown on a bus just like they would’ve been if the thieves had gotten the bus to the airport they demanded. You don’t see that in your usual hostage drama and I thought, “a ha, this is a Spike Lee joint.”

There’s one regrettable part where for some reason they have to make a joke about a rabbi being an expert in diamonds. Get it, because jews know about diamonds. If you see the movie you’ll see why it’s even more out of place than it sounds. In other ways though the movie makes attempts to reach out to other cultures. There’s a character who’s a Sikh who’s very pissed off about being lumped in with Arabs and about getting his turban pulled off by cops. Unfortunately not everybody in the audience is ready to accept this message. A gal in front of me laughed hysterically, I think she even thought it was supposed to be funny.

(Note: NEVER go to an opening night show of a Denzel Washington/Jodi Foster movie. When you think about people talking at movies maybe you think of obnoxious young people, but in my experience the worst are always us so-called grownups. A movie with a cast like this attracts all the retards that go to movies once every five years. The people who have to ask out loud “What is he doing?” and “Why is he doing that?” and “Wh-uuuut?” and “What did he say?” instead of, you know, watching the god damn movie and finding out what will happen like everybody else.)

For the record, this movie has the all time greatest use of a photograph of George and Barbara Bush in the background of a shot. I invite anybody to try to top it, but this one is good. There are alot of good little moments. Maybe my favorite scene isn’t important to the plot at all. It’s where Clive Owen has a friendly (and not even threateningly friendly, I don’t think) conversation with the video game playing 12 year old Brooklyn kid who is the youngest hostage. They eat pizza together sitting in the vault, using blocks of money as stools. That’s the biggest hint that the robbery is something other than what it appears. If the trailer didn’t tip you off. Or the fact that this is a movie.

See, although it has alot of nice touches of realism and insight, ultimately this is not the real world. This is Hollywood New York, where people can stage elaborate and fanciful robberies if they’ve got enough gimmicks and plot twists and surprise motivations in their arsenal. It doesn’t feel like a CLOCKERS type deal where it’s heavily researched and presents a different version of police work than what you’ve seen in other movies. It feels more like a standard Hollywood thriller with that sort of thing glazed over the top.

So the success of the movie comes down to the exact thing those talking knuckleheads above probaly came to the movie for – the High Wattage Cast, especially Clive and Denzel.

I never noticed Clive until SIN CITY but between that and CROUPIER I think we all know he knows what he’s doing. This character is lightly sketched but he adds alot to it with that deep narrator voice (handy for some Spike-Lee-talking-right-to-the-camera scenes as well as making his demands to negotiators) and although he’s a serious villain I think he also gives an indication of being actually a pretty nice guy when not taking innocent people hostage.

And then there’s Denzel. I don’t know what to say about him that you don’t already know. Obviously he’s gonna be intense and intelligent, self righteous at times, funny and charming at other times. He tones down the intensity a little from TRAINING DAY mode but is still playing a typical Denzel character. This is one of his characters who wears nice suits and hats. You know the type. What makes it stand out though is this time he’s teamed with Chiwetel Ejiofor, the bad guy from SERENITY. They’re well matched partners with complete respect for each other, they have a rapport where they joke and make each other laugh like real friends, not like wacky partners in a movie. They’re always on the same page, they never get in dramatic arguments or shit like that. There’s nothing revolutionary about their characters but the chemistry of the two of them together is so good I’d almost like to see their characters return in another movie with a completely different case.

But the best thing about the movie: coughing. I’ve been looking for this, I’ve been demanding this since my FINDING NEVERLAND review. I want a movie where a character coughs and it doesn’t mean that he or she is gonna die. INSIDE MAN is that movie. There’s at least two scenes where Denzel stops to cough between lines, and it has no plot purpose. It’s just him coughing. As people sometimes do.

the end (cough)

Anyway, Laremy gives me a heads up on alot of these, and he has a pretty good track record. He told me about 40 Year Old Virgin, he warned me that Lord of War was not as good as hoped, and a couple other ones. So I took him seriously when he said “SERENITY will be HUGE. Nice flick, nice laughs, nice action, well done all the way around. Summer Glau is highly doable as well.” When I asked him if that was that one space ship movie he got a little more thoughtful and warned not to get too excited because “it’s better with no expectations, like peyote.”

Well I gotta agree with Laremy again although I’m not sure which one it was that somebody was gonna “do.” This is a well put together space movie, all made out of familiar elements but not feeling like your typical hollywood space picture you would expect to see in a theater these days. The story is about the crew of one medium sized spaceship (a little smaller than Hans Solo’s ship) which is called Serenity. That is why the movie is also called Serenity, it is the name of the spaceship. Anyway there’s maybe 7 or 8 people on this ship but the important ones are 1. the captain, who will serve as our rogueish hero and 2. a babbling/maybe retarded teenage girl named River who is wanted by the space government because they made her into a psychic/kung fu killing machine and she may or may not know their secrets.

And then the other most important character actually doesn’t have a name for me to forget, but he is a super secret black ops type deadly assassin motherfucker who works for the space government. And he has a sword. Not a light saber, a sword. He’s trying to kill the retarded psychic but they won’t give her up on account of morals so he starts massacring everybody they know. Alot of innocent people die in this movie.

This is a weirdly old timey kind of future. Yeah they got spaceships and planets and what not but they still use bullets and knives. They punch alot. And they talk this kind of cowboy talk like “reckon” and what not. But it’s also kind of current because they still have silk screened t-shirts, vibrators and other modern conveniences, not space-ified. This is maybe the first ever non-porno space movie to have a reference to a vibrator. Unless I missed something in 2001.

Also this story is based on the civil war, only in space, and not about slavery, so the south are the good guys. The captain and another member of the crew were veterans of the war, on the losing side, before they became smugglers or whatever it is they do now when not running from the nameless space assassin sword guy.

I like the idea behind this movie because it’s real different from the STAR pictures. Unlike STAR WARS it’s not a huge epic. No princesses or chosen ones. I admit they do take on the government and accomplish something big, but they really do seem like regular space joes. They just stumble upon it. And it’s not like STAR TREK because the “federation” (I think it’s called the alliance here) is the bad guys. Not comic book Darth Vader bad guys but bureaucratic government asshole bad guys. The movie does a good job of explaining this with the opening narration which tells about the war between the civilized worlds and the savage outer rim planets. And then you realize the narration is biased, it’s a history lesson being told to a classroom of rich kids. And history is written by the victors. Stupid victors.

Also, the heroes aren’t goodie two shoes. They shoot first, they like to kill, and they start off the movie by pulling a payroll job. They’re the heroic criminal types, which is one of my favorite types.

And maybe the most surprising thing for a modern sci-fi movie: not a single alien! Everybody is human earthlings that speaks English and Chinese. They do got these bastards called Reevers though, named after Keanu Reeves I believe. They’re roving bands of self mutilating cannibal rapist space savages. They’ve gone completely crazy so not only do they rape and pillage and eat people alive, they decorate their space ships with body parts and they roar like snorks. Or whatever those inbred troll guys in Lord of the Rings were called.

So you got some genuine threats in here. I don’t think anybody ever had to worry about getting raped in space before, although that Harvey Keitel robot in SATURN 3 was a real pervert and I didn’t trust him. Anyway there’s lots of tension which is good for a movie that is basically a series of chases. It’s a well paced movie with a good build escalating into a fun action/character climax.

But more importantly you got some good characters, likable and reluctantly heroic, played by good actors you never seen in anything before, except one guy I think was on Barney Miller. It’s a little bit scarier than a STAR WARS picture but it’s light-hearted and has some funny lines I think, although I’m not totally sure because of the trenchcoat wearing ponytail motherfuckers in the audience laughing over every god damn punchline cause they’d already seen the fuckin thing 3 times earlier in the day.

Which brings me to what and why it’s all Laremy Legel’s fault. Actually, it’s Laremy’s fault I saw the movie but in truth this one’s on me. Laremy gave me a chance. I could’ve seen it with a safe group of critics you never heard of before. But no, I had to stand up on some abstract outlaw critic code of honor, I had to pay money to see it myself. On opening night. With nerds. Stupid bastard.

You see, I’d rather not go into it because they explain it in every review, but it turns out SERENITY is based on a failed tv show. Actually nobody could miss this fact because it’s the whole emphasis of the advertising. “The cult phenomenon beloved by millions” I believe is how how some breathless narrator described it on the trailer. I checked imdb – this filmatist worked on shows like BUFFY THE VAMPIRE and ROSEANNE, so I guess that’s where he gets the fanatic following. The newspaper ads are all about how now YOU can be A PART OF the NEW SCIENCE FICTION PHENOMENON. You will be able to tell your grandchildren that YOU WERE THERE, you saw SERENITY. Fuck the Berlin Wall coming down this is god damn SERENITY. The cult phenomenon beloved by millions.

I thought that was just some pathetic horse shit cooked up by some marketing wackos, but then I waited in line to see this movie. I ain’t seen a collection of nerds like this in years, and that includes Star Wars 3 and the time the International Math, Chess, Video Game, Role Playing, Rennaissance Fair, Lord of the Rings, Robots, Virginity and Matrix Convention came to town. To be fair there were no sword fights, but there were many costumes, pins, novelty hats, suspenders, home made t-shirts. They say if you’re going to see Skynyrd or whoever, you don’t wear the band’s t-shirt to the show. Not the case with SERENITY. You want people to know you fucking know. Alot of people were talking about how many times they’d seen it already and whether or not there were enough people in the line. I got a sense they were doing their part for humanity, voting with their dollars by seeing the movie as many times as they could take. I’m sure they’re nice people (they passed around pizza) but I can’t quite comprehend these evangelist types. They have a dream for their children and grandchildren, and that dream is SERENITY PART 2. I mean I guess I would understand if it was DIE HARD. Or BLADE. Or GHOST DOG. I mean that would be different. But this space shit–

I don’t know. Maybe if it was THE LIMEY or POINT BLANK. LONE WOLF AND CUB. The MARIACHI series. Maybe KILL BILL. Something with DMX. Or anything with Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Bruce Lee or Toshiro Mifune.

Oh my God, I think I almost do understand now. I better stop thinking about this before it’s too late.

I consider myself a brave man but more than once I found myself eyeing the fire exit. I was planning my escape and it wouldn’t have been a daring one like in the movie, it would’ve been more like when Old Dirty Bastard fled the hospital without checking out.

Inside the theater was worse. There was a singalong of a folk song about the characters. There was people trying to talk in space cowboy talk. There was a trailer for DOOM, the new movie by the director of CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE, and these people were laughing harder than I’ve ever head anybody laugh, ever. It was like laughing gas was being pumped in through the A/C vents and only I was immune. I thought, are these assholes belittling my man The Rock? Until I realized that DOOM is based on an old videogame, and between this audience literally hundreds of thousands of hours of DOOM had been played. It’s a video game thing, I wouldn’t understand.

When the movie started it was troubling too because everybody would laugh HARD at every god damn thing anbyody said, often before they said it. It was like a movie with a laugh track. And no matter how good a movie is it’s hard to watch with a group of people that are clearly enjoying it WAY more than you are. I guess they love these characters and want to show their support. It’s an image projected onto a flat surface using light, though. I don’t think they can hear you. I could be wrong.

The director of this movie, who must get around because they all seem to be on a first name basis with him, I think he hates these people too. Because he makes sure some of their favorite characters get it bad. But he does appreciate them enough to make a decent movie for them. That is a sure sign of respect because I’m sure he could’ve just done a movie of himself taking a crap (in space) and they would’ve still gone to see it more than once. To support him.

Anyway I’m not trying to belittle these freakos. Like I always say, don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want them to do to The Rock. They are obviously happy. Very, very, happy. All I’m trying to say is, those ads are no joke. I didn’t pick up on it until it was too late, but those ads are a warning to non-members. See this movie, but for God’s sake not on the opening weekend. Believe me, you don’t want to be a part of this science fiction phenomenon/cult/beloved etc. You just want to see the movie and then go home.

*If you are googling Laremy please understand that he’s a nice guy and should not be associated with my anti-social behavior, etc. just because my review came up when you typed in his name. I don’t like having to change my review because of you judgmental potential employers, landlords and stalkers. I vouch for Laremy, or don’t vouch for him, whichever is more impressive to you. If you need a letter of recommendation or something let me know.

So now Motown’s Most Infamous are back in the neighborhood like blaxploitation stars, and somebody out there killed their mom, and they aren’t quite as forgiving as she is so holy shit is somebody gonna have all hell brought down on them, in my opinion.

If that isn’t a good hook, I don’t know what is, but unfortunately Mr. John Singleton doesn’t really hang too much meat on it. This isn’t a bad movie, it’s a mediocre one, which is probaly worse. The cast is good, there’s some good moments, I like the basic outline, but it just doesn’t fly.

One big mistake, they didn’t do enough with the problem child angle. We hear alot about how these were the baddest kids on the block, but we pretty much have to take their word for it. Wahlberg is pretty mean and grizzled, has apparently lived a life of crime, etc. He passes the test. Tyrese has muscles, but he’s mostly a fuckup like he gets into trouble screwin somebody else’s girlfriend and that kind of garbage. Not one of the top four worst kids in Detroit. Benjamin isn’t a bad guy at all, he’s a family man with a conscience, and even Terence Howard, the cop who explains to us the premise of the 4 brothers at the beginning, admits he’s an okay guy. And then the kid in the leather jacket, they just tell us that something bad happened to him when he was little, and the brothers pick on him and call him a fag all the time. So he’s a bad motherfucker, I guess.

Don’t get me wrong, they got the brothers shooting some guns and occasionally they do something crazy like pour gasoline on somebody. But I wish there was more of this. I wish we believed these guys were born out of satan’s ass. People should run and hide when they come down the block. They should be the devil’s rejects with heart.

I mean this is the guy who remade SHAFT so I think it was fair to hope for an updated blaxploitation style revenge movie. And that might’ve been sort of what he was going for because the soundtrack pillages half of Marvin Gaye’s classic Trouble Man soundtrack (and various other Motown tunes, since it’s Detroit). These are good songs but I wish somebody would come out with a new classic blaxploitation score. David Holmes is the only guy who ever even gives it a shot. It’s not like you can’t have funky horn sections anymore. They still exist. Let’s get to it boys. Some fresh new badass music would have gone a long way toward making this fucker pop.

One part in the movie that made me laugh, they chase a guy into his apartment and for some reason he has a bunch of rope in there that he uses to climb out the window. What’s this guy really into sailboats or something? I didn’t get why he had so much rope.

I don’t want to give away the big revelation at the end about why they killed the old lady. Luckily, I didn’t really understand why they killed her so there is no danger of slipping and giving it away. If John Singleton or somebody will explain it to me, I promise I will not give it away in this review.

I guess the best thing you can say about the movie is that the cast works well together. I like the chemistry between these guys, always sniping at each other and getting in wrestling matches in the living room, but also having that macho brotherhood bond. It probaly coulda worked with a little more elbow grease in that script.