Also did I mention he’s 12. It’s kind of like Doogie Howser.

He’s got normal kid problems. He’s shy talking to the girl he likes, he misses his older sister (BLADE’s hematologist friend N’Bushe Wright) when she’s gone, his friend Chucky is an idiot, he keeps getting to class late, there are too many kids living in his apartment, his dad is a drunk. But also he has to deliver these drugs, people are always trying to short him, crackheads offer to suck his dick and his boss Esteban (Giancarlo Esposito pre-channeling Peeples Hernandez from the SHAFT remake) is always pressuring him because he wants to hook up with his sister. Which is harder when it’s a smack dealer than just some kid at school or something.

Fresh isn’t supposed to see his dad (Samuel L. Jackson, when he was slimmer and had hair, remember that?) but he does – playing chess against him in the park. Dad sort of coaches him, giving him harsh advice, belittling his game, being more like a Pai Mei than a dad, except when he lectures him for using the n-word. But his Machiavellian chess philosophy pretty much tells Fresh what he needs to do to improve his situation. The kid starts enacting a master plan to play all the dealers against each other. He’s trusted with a huge delivery because nobody would expect a kid that small to have that much smack in his backpack. But then he’s able to use that smack for his scheme because nobody expects a kid to have the brains or the balls to fuck everybody over. Through a series of tricks and set ups and lies he knocks them down like the chess pieces on his board. He knows what to expect from them and what they expect from him. It’s brilliant and it’s cold-blooded. Even his school friends are pawns. There is a body count. It’s not pretty. It’s like THE 400 BLOWS x CLOCKERS + YOJIMBO with a touch of FIRST BLOOD ending. A good substitute for your crumb crushers when SPY KIDS or AGENT CODY BANKS is checked out at the video store.

And the beauty of it is that it never tells you what he’s up to. You just have to watch the plan come together. This little badass plays everybody. Remember when kids that played chess were nerds? This one isn’t. He’s more like Superfly, or The Young Nino Brown Adventures.

Watching it now it reminds me a little of CITY OF MEN, the TV show spin-off of CITY OF GOD. I saw some of the first season episodes and they’re this real matter of fact look at a kid’s life in the favelas, younger kids than in CITY OF GOD, and they’re working for the drug dealers, not really liking it but knowing that’s what they have to do to survive. They have to get in good with these dangerous men, not get busted by the cops, do a good job and stay out of people’s way, and also try to do okay in school. Well New York’s not as bad, but it’s a similar way of life for this kid. If Esteban wants you to do something you’re gonna have to do it, even if it’s gonna make you late for school again.

There are some good characters in the movie. Esteban is creepy and scary, but you can also see that he genuinely likes Fresh and that that makes Fresh feel good. And you can see how his dad means well too but just doesn’t have a clue how to be sensitive. He helps equip Fresh mentally for what he needs to do, but not emotionally. He also has a funny monologue about which famous chess players he’s met and how he could beat them.

But the most memorable supporting character is Fresh’s loud-mouthed friend Chucky (Luis Lantigua) who’s the opposite of Fresh. Fresh is very reserved but is the real deal, Chucky is a bragging dumbass and a total phony. He has none of the experience, intelligence or skills of a real criminal but he tries to imitate the way they look and talk and seems to convince himself that it makes him “real.” He keeps saying “I bust the stoopid moves!” and every time he says it seems more convinced that it means something. He also talks about the Punisher. (Writer-director Boaz Yakin wrote the Dolph version of THE PUNISHER.)

By the way, I noticed something. This movie has a real devastating subplot about Fresh’s dog who Chucky enters in a dog fight. In THE ROOKIE (co-written by Yakin) there were dog fights going on in a bar and the dogs attacked Charlie Sheen and he had to shoot one of them. In FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2 (also co-written by Yakin) I remember there was a dog that was being trained for fights. I don’t remember any dog fights being in THE PUNISHER, but I’d be very surprised if there weren’t some in UPTOWN GIRLS, because I don’t know how else Britney Murphy and Dakota Fanning’s characters would meet other than training innocent animals to viciously maul each other to the death for the entertainment and gambling pleasure of their owners.

My point is that Boaz Yakin is a tireless advocate for this up and coming sport. Now that it’s getting alot more mainstream exposure with Michael Vick and everything maybe he’ll get a shot to remake REMEMBER THE TITANS with his original vision of it being about pitbulls.

From what I’ve seen, Yakin has never made another movie that’s similar to FRESH at all in content or quality. He did a couple indie dramas like A PRICE ABOVE RUBIES with Renee Zelweger, and most recently he co-wrote THE PRINCE OF PERSIA. But I’ll keep looking out for him because this one is too good to be an accident. I’ll try not to underestimate him, but hopefully he’ll do more than just keep busting the stoopid moves.

[ratings]

But you know what, it only adds to Clint’s mystique that he so humbly shares the movie with this rookie and even allows the spotlight to shift over to him for a while while the old man is tied up in a warehouse getting raped by Sonia Braga (SPOILER). This is also the most DIRTY HARRY of Clint’s non-DIRTY HARRY pictures. In fact, it probly feels a little more DIRTY HARRY than SUDDEN IMPACT, the one actual DIRTY HARRY that he directed.

But in this one he’s not some supercop. He’s Pulovski, a failed race car driver turned detective in the auto theft division. Nothing big ever happened to him his whole life until this movie. Then by dumb luck some stolen cars he’s chasing lead him to a big time criminal running chop shops and planning to rob a mob casino (long story). The villain is played by Raul Julia, sporting one of the all time most befuddling cinematic accents. I was so happy when Clint referred to him as a “kraut” because then that earlier scene where he was criticizing German beer to Julia seemed less random. And if you think Julia makes an unconvincing German just wait ’til you meet his girlfriend (Braga).

Anyway, like all police officers Pulovski is forced to become partners with a by-the-book rookie (that’s Sheen as David Ackerman). Here’s where the script is subtly clever. Usually a story like that is a device for explaining everything to the viewer. The veteran has to show the rookie the ropes, so the audience also gets to see those same ropes. But here Clint just leaves his partner completely in the dark, doesn’t tell him what case he’s on or that when he stops for lunch at a hotel it’s just because Raul Julia’s there and he wants to give him a bunch of shit for having killed his partner, etc. Ackerman returns the favor and refuses to tell Pulovski jack shit about himself, so it’s a while before we find out he’s from a super rich family and drives a fancy Porsche. But he’s trying to prove himself to his dad and himself and all that.

Most of the entertainment comes from Clint. He’s his usual wry self, using ethically questionable law enforcement tactics and smartass comments. I liked when Sheen’s dad (Tom Skerritt) tried to pay him to guarantee the kid’s safety and Clint says with contempt, “You want a guarantee? Buy a toaster.” It’s so obvious to have Clint as the old guy who gives the young guy a hard time but begrudgingly starts to like him. But who gives a shit? It’s always enjoyable. I’m not gonna complain about having another one of these. I’ll take all of them I can get. There’s only gonna be a finite amount of old Clint action movies.

It has some of those little Eastwood directorial touches that nobody else does. Like for example the jazz score by Lennie Niehaus. This was in a time when mullets and whammy bars still existed. Other action movies were slathered in keyboards, guitar wails and drum machines. There were better action movies playing in theaters that year: HARD TO KILL, MARKED FOR DEATH, DIE HARD 2, TOTAL RECALL, arguably PREDATOR 2 and ANOTHER 48 HOURS. But none of those tried to cool you out with jazz as you left the theater. That’s not something you see in alot of action movies and especially not in 1990. That’s an Eastwood exclusive.

But it has some of the usual excess of the era too. I can hang with the impossible car jump out of the fourth story of an exploding building, but I struggle with the blue screen mid-air “fasten your seatbelt” quip. You see that and you can believe it was the same years as DIE HARD 2, it’s just like the most questionable moments in that one. The funny lines don’t seem so spontaneous when they’re looped over a special effects shot.

There are some cliches in this. I mean, you know how it is. You got a bunch of motorcycles and one of them you really like but you gave up on getting it running years ago. And then Charlie Sheen sits on it, reaches underneath and just twists something with his hand and whaddyaknow, the fuckin thing starts up instantly. This is how most men become friends, through the one-twist engine repair.

I don’t mind that one, but it does have one of my pet peeve cliches, the ol’ leads-repeat-each-other’s-dialogue-later-in-different-contexts move. And it has the even harder to take version of that phenomenon: the entire scene that repeats itself at the end with the roles switched around. It made me actually wish for the depressing ending hinted at earlier.

A more serious problem is that about 85% of the movie takes place at night, so the action scenes are harder to make out than they should be. This must’ve looked like shit on pan and scan VHS. Maybe that’s part of why this movie has a bad reputation. Also because it was the one he did before UNFORGIVEN, so he was at that aging action star stage where people enjoy snidely assuming everything you do is trash. Anyway the constant darkness is one big stylistic difference from the sun-drenched DIRTY HARRY movies.

And this is no DIRTY HARRY. It’s not one of Clint’s better ones, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. It’s got alot of impressive car stunts and funny moments like the bad guys’ bemused “this fuckin guy” reaction to Clint driving right into the back of their car carrier during a chase. It’s some kind of unholy union of cheesy ’80s cop movie and something more distinctive. It gets real weird and I gotta say I did not expect the Sonia Braga assault. And I was really impressed that Clint and his screenwriters were able to give Sheen a shocking shift to badassness. Definitely the most badass scene in the movie is all him, Clint’s not even there.

(Careful, I’m about to spoil the best part)

When Ackerman really needs to take it up a notch to save Pulovski he goes into this bar and nobody’s giving him the information he wants. I expected him to go Dirty and rough some people up. I did not expect him to abruptly blow flames in the bartender’s face, shoot a whole bunch of people, throw one fighting dog and fill another one with lead, and burn the entire building to the ground. Not only is it hilariously overboard but it’s all masterfully set up in earlier scenes: the geography of the bar, the prior humiliation by the people there, the dog fights in the back room, even the possession of the lighter (to light Pulovski’s cigars). I love this type of carefully constructed action scene. They build the foundation before they put up the building. Not everybody bothers with the foundation, so I respect that.

Therefore let me be the first person in history to tip somebody’s hat to the writers of this one, Scott Spiegel and Boaz Yakin. Those are the guys who wrote FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2. Spiegel helped write EVIL DEAD 2 and Yakin directed this movie called FRESH that I’ll be reviewing next. He also wrote the Lundgren version of THE PUNISHER but says the producer just kept the plot and rewrote everything else. Maybe the bar scene was some of the leftover punishment that didn’t make it into that movie.

[ratings]

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Well today I saw Dolph’s version and I’m here to report that it’s okay. I liked Thomas’s version the best but this one definitely has its moments. Like the 2004 one, this is definitely more in the action movie/vigilante style than some kind of Batman or Superman deal. The main comic book element is that Punisher lives in the sewers and has tunnels to bring him everywhere. Also he has a wacky sidekick who is some kind of homeless guy who always claims to be a theater actor, and who always rhymes.

One nice touch is that at the start of the movie Punisher has already been the Punisher for ten years and has killed 125 people or something. So you don’t have to bother with the whole explanation of how he starts out and everything. The movie begins with a news report about how the guy who killed former cop Frank Castle’s family has now been exonerated by the justice system. A reporter asks this bastard if maybe he is worried about this Punisher guy who has been killing all his mob associates. He says no and dares the Punisher to come within a thousand yards of him.

But of course the Punisher is sitting nearby on his motorcycle. We don’t see his face but we know it’s him by the shot of a boot with knives attached to it. He follows the guy home and kills off his bodyguards while he’s getting out the champagne. This is a fun scene because you never see the Punisher, he’s like some unseen force throwing knives and shit. My favorite is when he nimbly tosses a noose around a guy’s neck from a balcony above and lifts him up.

There’s a bunch of reporters huddled outside the mansion and they hear gunshots, which for some reason causes them to run onto the property to investigate. I guess back then reporters would risk their lives for a story instead of just waiting for the government to announce the official explanation of what happened and then transcribe that word for word and pretend it counts as reporting. As they get to the front door all the windows start blowing out and the whole place is in flames. The mob boss stumbles out and falls over dead with a patented Punisher Skull-handled Knife in his back. Behind him you can just make out Punisher standing in flames and somebody yells, “oh shit, the Punisher!”

I know I’m describing this in too much detail but I just want to acknowledge that this is a great introduction to the guy, it’s like he’s a damn bigfoot or something and these guys got a blurry shot of him. Good stuff.

Unfortunately as we get to know the Punisher a little more intimately he starts to seem a little less cool. It probaly seemed to make more sense in the ’80s, but now days you really gotta question anybody that’s so obsessed with punishment. I mean if he just called it revenge it would seem a little more reasonable, but punishment? That seems kind of perverted. That’s what the killer wanted in the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies, and the reason he wanted it was because his sexuality was stunted by mean nuns.

The Punisher is portrayed as crazy and over the line, but I think you’re also supposed to see a certain amount of sense in what he’s doing, and I’m not sure that holds water. Then again, The Punisher makes a better action hero than The Nuanced Solution Finder or The Guy Who Lowers the Crime Rate By Tackling the Root Problems Such As Poverty, Racism, Education, Drug Addiction and Parenting. I guess that’s just the dumbifying power of the Cinema.

But still, this version of the Punisher doesn’t go as far as the Thomas Jane version in making you identify with the character, because they make some pretty bad moves. For one thing, the movie opens and closes with a flying camera shot of him sitting in the sewer naked as he recites some cornball narration about his punishment philosophy. I mean, what kind of a guy sits around naked in a sewer narrating? The other problem is that Dolph is bad at the narrating. You guys know I like Dolph, ever since I saw BLACKJACK. The guy won me over. But in this role he is back in mumbling meathead mode like in all those movies where he’s supposed to be Russian, and he’s just not likable. When he’s not murdering people he’s sitting in the sewer brooding. Thomas Jane drank alot of booze, this guy seems just as miserable but he does it all in his mind. I like the tortured hero in theory, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s just no fun. The only time you really like the guy is when he makes jokes at inappropriate moments.

For example, when he and his sidekick are both being tortured on racks, and he still won’t give in. The Yakuza boss has to go to a meeting so she leaves him with the torturers. As she’s walking away he says, “Wait!”

She turns around to see if he’s given in. “What?”

“Have a nice day.”

But he doesn’t get too many moments like that.

Also he looks kind of silly. They dyed his hair dark and it looks like they even painted his five o’clock shadow on him, I’m not sure, but whatever the deal is he looks phoney. At least he’s not wearing the spandex with the skull on it.

But the plot is pretty good. The Punisher has murdered more than a hundred top gangsters, leaving them vulnerable. So some Yakuzas come and say they’re taking over, the Italians will still do all the work but the Yakuzas will get 75% of the take. The Italians don’t like this idea so to try to win them over the Yakuzas kidnap their children and say they’re going to sell them into slavery.

At first Frank Punisher doesn’t give a shit but his rhyming actor homeless wacky sidekick guy convinces him that the children are innocent, so he steals a bus and goes to save them. So basically the movie’s about saving the children. This movie is actually a decent argument against the theory of badass juxtaposition I’ve been pushing all these years, because I think Dolph Lundgren seems less badass when he cares about children. But maybe that’s just me.

Meanwhile, Punisher’s ex-partner is the head of the Punisher task force. Most people believe Frank is dead and could not be the Punisher, but this guy knows it’s him. He’s played by Louis Gossett, Jr. and he’s the only good actor in the whole movie.

The thing that makes this movie memorable is that it has a uniquely over-the-top tone to the violence. Alot of people get killed in this one (according to IMDb, 91 people not including large groups killed by explosions and what not). Lots of flying knives, swords, large explosions, bigass gundowns. They slaughter a whole dojo full of karate dudes (not fair, they don’t have guns). Lots of characters use boots with knives that pop out of them. One Yakuza takes off her dangly earrings and throws them to nail a guy’s hands into a wall. Apparently the original version was way more violent and better, but they cut it in most countries so I haven’t seen that version.

There’s one fight that takes place at Coney Island which is cool because you get to see a bunch of ninjas coming down a big slide firing machine guns. I always appreciate a movie that tries to find things you haven’t seen before, such as a ninja/slide/machine gun combo.

Dolph used to be a karate champion and apparently for the karate parts in this one they didn’t choreograph, they just had them spar, to make it look more realistic. I guess it works in a couple parts but there’s not much hand-to-hand fighting, it’s usually with weapons.

Speaking of weapons, I don’t understand where Punisher gets his. He has these skull knives he always throws, and he never re-uses them. Just throws them at a guy and leaves them on the scene. These are nice knives, custom-made, and he goes through them like toilet paper. Not to mention all the guns and bullets he uses. I don’t think there’s any explanation for how he makes his living. I’m sure he saves money by not having to pay rent, and I never noticed him eating food or anything. But still, those weapons are expensive. He must have a seasonal job on a fishing boat or something.

The director is Mark Goldblatt whose only other movie as a director is DEAD HEAT, but he edited all types of shit including TERMINATOR 1&2, RAMBO and STARSHIP TROOPERS. I will not discuss his talents as a director because he edited ARMAGEDDON so the motherfucker is dead to me.

The writer is Boaz Yakin, his first movie. You might not’ve heard of this guy but he directed a real good one called FRESH years ago, and a couple others I care not to mention. His most famous is REMEMBER THE TITANS which I haven’t seen. But he also co-wrote FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2 and I still think that might be the best straight to video sequel to date. So I got some amount of respect for him and figure he is responsible for the knives coming out of the boots and the ninjas on slides.

Overall, this is not exactly a great movie, but at least it’s a distinctive one. If you only see one PUNISHER movie in your life, don’t see this one. But if you have time for two, it’s worth a shot.

[ratings]