This is one of those movies that on the cover should have a big quote from Roger Ebert or somebody saying “Seriously, not that bad!” I’m not gonna try to convince anybody that ROLL BOUNCE is great but it is actually very well made and watchable for a movie about kids rollerskating. You can face that fact or not, I don’t give a fuck, but there it is. ROLL BOUNCE is kind of good.
Now if you are new around here you may not be familiar with me, I should probaly specify that I am not some pedophile or somebody, and personally I have never reviewed a movie about kids rollerskating before. ROLLERBALL was strictly adults and so was DERBY. I’m a first timer here for this type of material is what I’m saying, and don’t worry I won’t make it a habit.
But ROLL BOUNCE is kind of a family comedy type deal about black teenagers in the ’70s who like to rollerskate, but their local rink gets shut down at the beginning of the summer so they go across town to “Sweetwater,” the rich kid rink and end up deciding they have to win the big skate off that will take place at the end of the movie.
Now, usually this type of movie would be all about training and trying to become champions and all that shit. Eye of the tiger. But for some reason this one just has a montage or two about that. Actually come to think of it I have no idea when or how they learned how to skate as good as they did at the end. For most of the movie they kind of suck, and then all the sudden they oughta be in the Olympics and who knows how the fuck they made that transition. But I guess that’s part of the mystery of ROLL BOUNCE. There’s a little more going on than skating because in addition to mourning the loss of his skating rink, the main kid is mourning the loss of his mother. It gets pretty sappy and it actually works. See the paragraph regarding “The Two Hs” for more information. (read the rest of this shit…)
November 17th, 2005 | 1 Comment »
If there’s any completists out there that read my CANDYMAN review a week or so ago, you might be interested in my new piece about CANDYMEN 2-3.
November 9th, 2005 | No Comments »
CANDYMAN in: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH and CANDYMAN in: DAY OF THE DEAD
Last week I watched this CANDYMAN movie. The review is above but maybe somebody is too lazy to read it so I’ll just say it was surprisingly good and classy for a slasher movie about a guy with bees in his stomach that likes to gut people with a gorey hook hand. Anyway I decided as a completist and foolish optimist I should give these two other Candyman adventures a shot. Maybe lightning strikes three times, you know.
Well truth be told, number 2 is not all that bad. It’s just not all that good either. This one is directed by Bill Condon, who went on to do GODS AND MONSTERS and KINSEY and write some musicals. So it’s not just a random hack, although nobody knew it at the time because this was 1995, it was before they had time travel. Anyway it treats the material as seriously as the first one does, but it’s less dreamy and more literal. The setting is moved to New Orleans which we find out is Candyman’s birthplace.
Unless I missed it, they never gave Candyman a name in the first one. But the same professor who told us his story in part 1 reappears here for a (unexpectedly short) book tour promoting a book about Candyman. And he explains that he was a painter named Daniel Robataille. Throughout the movie we see flashbacks showing exactly what happened to him, how he got the name Candyman (not actually a very convincing answer to that one, actually), where the mirror thing came from, and more. (read the rest of this shit…)
November 9th, 2005 | No Comments »
My new piece is a DIVORCE DOUBLE FEATURE of THE SQUID AND THE WHALE and THE WEATHER MAN. Also I forgot to link to my review of another new Seagal picture, BLACK DAWN.
Which reminds me I want to thank Andrew J. from Melbourne for pointing me to a web sight I didn’t know about called SEAGALOLOGY.COM. This is kind of a bummer to me obviously because the title and premise is very similar to my book SEAGALOGY that I’ve been working on for, what, must be three years now. And I definitely believe the guy has been influenced by my works and if I’m right about that it would be nice if he acknowledged me or replied to my email. Because of manners.
But after looking over some of the sight I realized there’s really nothing to be upset about. We’re in the same field of research but we have completely opposite approaches and philosophies. It seems to me that he is coming from the angle of purely making fun of Seagal. I genuinely love Seagal’s movies, from the completely awesome (OUT FOR JUSTICE) to the completely silly (ON DEADLY GROUND). It is a delicate balance of laughing, understanding and paying respect to, not just picking on a fat guy with a pony tail. So it will be pretty different.
And it also seems to me that the Seagalology approach is a cursory glance at the movies based on plot summaries from other web sights. He isn’t even dedicated enough to watch the actual movies. I’m not saying he doesn’t know what he’s talking about (although I did notice a few errors). But on alot of the summaries he says that things “apparently” happen which means he’s not even pretending to have watched them. Maybe he wants you to know that he hasn’t.
Now I’m not trying to say that’s a bad approach, or lazy, or an academic fraud or nothing. The last thing I want to do is spark a deadly feud between the serious field of Seagalogy and the snake oil quackery of Seagalology. But I just want to assure you that mine is about attention to detail. Trust me, I’m goin deep. I don’t even want to give examples because now I’m gettin paranoid about academic espionage. My goal since day 1 has been to study each one of these movies closer than any sane person would, come out the other end alive and then present my findings. So it’s taking longer but for me anyway it will be worth the wait. Hopefully somebody will agree.
And really, more competition in the field of Seagalogy can only mean stronger work. So this should be exciting for all fans of cinema studies and direct to video theory.
November 7th, 2005 | No Comments »
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE meets THE WEATHER MAN
Okay first of all I gotta ask, why does every movie lately gotta be about a nasty divorce, somebody’s dad dying, or both? I guess that’s just what happens when the sky turns grey and the leaves start falling off the trees, all the sudden you get all these depressing movies about how either you or your dad is a novelist and you fucked up everything with your wife and kids and you want to fix your marriage but that’s completely delusional, your wife has a new guy and she hates you because you’re an asshole and she can do better. (that’s what both of these are about.) (read the rest of this shit…)
November 7th, 2005 | No Comments »
Shit, it seems like just a few weeks since I saw TODAY YOU DIE. In fact, it just came out last month. But here I am with an early review of another straight to video Steven Seagal picture, BLACK DAWN, which comes out a couple days after Christmas.
Seagal plays Jonathan Cold, “ex-CIA, current freelance operative specializing in covert operations and nuclear weapons intelligence.” He seems to be a bad guy because he’s hired to bust a guy out of prison and help him acquire the parts for a suitcase bomb. I never got the chance to realize this before but Seagal makes a good bad guy, always standing around, narrowing his eyes and grimacing like a henchman. He should look into that.
Meanwhile, a group of young, hip Chechen terrorists have been performing robberies, saving up enough money to buy the bomb and detonate it in Los Angeles as revenge for the CIA assassination of their leader. Also they probaly hate freedom. Whatever the motive, it’s gonna suck if they nuke L.A., so fuck this Jonathan Cold guy for helping them. What an asshole.
Or is he? Actually, it turns out he’s super top secret undercover for the CIA, “dedicated to doing work that’s probaly considered by most people to be immoral or illegal, nonetheless it’s stuff that we have to do in the interest of United States security around the world.” Usually Seagal plays something like an ex-CIA doctor or an ex-CIA firefighter, but now he’s an ex-CIA CIA officer. It’s good news for the citizens of the world that these terrorists are stupid enough to hire a guy they know is a tricky double, triple, quadruple backflip agent and then be surprised when he turns on them. Stupid terrorists. (read the rest of this shit…)
November 3rd, 2005 | No Comments »
For Halloween I got CANDYMAN but if you don’t celebrate then you can read my new VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS column. Something about some guy named Scooter something.
October 30th, 2005 | No Comments »
On Friday when the indictments fell down on Irve “Scooter” Libby Jr. for obstruction and perjury, the democrat line of the day was “it’s a sad day for America.” There has been a tremendous blow to the dignity of the White House, a stain not on a blue dress but on the presidency itself, etc.
I’m afraid I gotta disagree. It’s not a sad day. The sad day was when the leak happened in the first place. We all knew it happened and we all knew it happened in the context of much bigger crimes. Back then, we were happy to hear about an investigation, but did anybody believe it would lead to anything? Did anybody think it really meant anything when John Ashcroft, after noodling around for a little while, announced that he was recusing himself? Don’t you remember all the stories we read about how this was gonna be a whitewash, like so many other investigations? Did you ever believe that somebody as high up as Scooter Libby would even be criticized in the media, let alone indicted?
How many people do you know who think Bush should be impeached, but that it’s not worth even trying since republicans control both houses and would never go after a president from their own party? I don’t think I’m the only one who doesn’t expect any of these bastards to ever be held accountable for their actions. That’s why Friday was a happy day for me. This represents a tiny smidgeon of faith in accountability. A little pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.
Of course, I still cancelled my plans for an Indictment Day cake, patriotic fireworks dislay, champagne toast and Ewok style celebration. ‘Cause all those leaks got my hopes up too high – I thought Rove was going down and now it’s not clear if that will happen. The only thing that’s more of a bummer than Karl Rove going on as usual is the realization that Dr. Thompson isn’t here to write about this whole mess. I bet he would’ve written a good one. (read the rest of this shit…)
October 30th, 2005 | No Comments »
This movie surprised me. Everything about it is classier than I expected. From his reputation you’d think this Candyman guy is just a B-list Jason or Freddy type. But it turns out he’s more a classic movie monster like Dracula or the Phantom of the Opera. And his movie has more subtext than all of Freddy and Jason’s pictures put together, including JASON X. Hell, throw in a couple Child’s Plays too. And one or two Halloweens. And one Silent Night Deadly Night. No Texas Chainsaws though, that would tip the scale. (read the rest of this shit…)
October 30th, 2005 | 4 Comments »
In my continuing search for straight to video gems, I have discovered INFESTED: THE INVASION OF THE KILLER BUGS, written and directed by the guy who wrote A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE. Also over on The Ain’t It Cool News I reviewed A LEGEND OF ZORRO and somehow the talkback turned into an obnoxious political debate. Sorry about that.
October 27th, 2005 | No Comments »
