Well looks like I won’t need to watch the Oscars after all, one of my buds just got in a truckload of Oscar statues and we’re gonna pass them out to deserving motherfuckers on the street. If you feel you have been neglected in the past, this includes Al Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sam Peckinpah etc., please show up on 5th and Stewart Sunday evening.

No just kidding bud, I wish. But the truth is I am getting a little nervous, I am feeling the butterflies in the stomach because like I said I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars. It’s been a while and I hope this is a good one.

So this week’s column, well I gotta be honest you might as well skip it because all I’m gonna do is talk about the Oscars and who should win and what not. I mean seriously sorry about this folks this is all I have. I like to think of myself as a creative individual but even the creativest motherfucker around has an off day every once in a while, or pretty often in my case, most often on the day I write my weekly column. But the rest of the week, I mean, you should see it.

Anyway, let’s start off with probaly the most important category, sound effects editing. I have no clue what this one is, I mean how would you know they did a good job editing the sound effects unless they did a bad job. Like if they accidentally didn’t edit out the guy laughing and saying, “ha ha ha, that was celery breaking, not a bone – these people are idiots they believe this shit! Ha ha ha ha!” Then you would know it was bad sound effects editing. But good? I mean, how do you know? I don’t know, all I know is I’m rooting for 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club since it’s the only category it was nominated in. (read the rest of this shit…)

First of all, is that fucked up or what over there in New York, letting off the four bastard cops that shot an unarmed innocent man 41 times. I mean good jesus what is wrong with this country that shit like this keeps happening. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you really thought the guy was gonna shoot you (and I mean gimme a fuckin break, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that action) you STILL don’t shoot him 41 times unless you think he’s a vampire. And EVEN if you buy that they thought he was gonna shoot him AND he was a vampire, this is still not the kind of mistake you let slide. If you’re the kind of guy that freaks out and unloads 16 bullets every time you see a “suspicious” black guy, that is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be given a job where you are allowed to carry a gun! I mean even in the bank robbery industry, which isn’t subject to any official rule book or internal review, they don’t let that shit slide!

Let’s look at another industry, let’s say you are a trucker, and you accidentally ran over a guy on a crosswalk. You can’t say, “Well, I thought he was on the sidewalk, but turned out he was on the street.” I mean you can say it, but that won’t be good enough. This is basically what they are saying. “Well, we jumped out of our unmarked car and randomly executed a man in front of his own house, we were nervous though what can you do. Sorry about that bud but we feel guilty as it is.”

Seriously, this sounds like some stupid shit some dude I knew in the pen might’ve done, and that’s nothin to brag about. This wasn’t even like Rodney King, where they had a reason to pull him over and THEN turned into rampaging cavemen. This was just a guy who they thought looked “suspicious”. It could’ve been anyone. And before you say, “No, I don’t have to worry, I’m white,” think about it – even a white guy or an older asian guy, if he’s wearing a hood, they might assume he’s black from behind and shoot him just in case.

And I don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that this shit goes down all the time, the fact that many people deny that it goes down all the time, or the fact that even after it goes down, many people try to convince themselves that it was an honest mistake. I mean to this day there are fucking nitwits out there who think those LAPD stormtroopers were honestly afraid of the unconscious Rodney King and were stepping on his neck in self defense. And there are people who say, “Well, it says in the police handbook that’s okay,” and never stop to think, “Holy shit, it says in the police handbook that’s okay!?!?” (read the rest of this shit…)

If you’ve been reading my column since the beginning of the millennium you know about my new year’s resolution to become more established and respected here on the world wide web. I feel that this is a medium with a whole assload of potentialities and I really think it is starting to catch on, that is why I think that the future of film Writing is on the computers.

You see I am a film Writer but it’s like Mark Twain said, what is the sound of nobody reading your shit. Nothing, it makes no sound. That is why I thought it would be a good idea to reach out, network, become part of an organization of other motherfuckers in my same field. And what better society is there for an online critic to join up with than the Online Film Critic’s Society, where Writers ranging from James Berardinelli to Susan Granger come together to promote the cause of film Writing on the web?

In order to apply for this particular group of individuals, you are supposed to have at least 50 reviews Which, at the time, I didn’t have. And hell, that’s alot of reviews, but there comes a time in a man’s life as a critic when he has to stand up like a man and write that many reviews. This was important to me so as you may remember I went through a very productive period in January reviewing a couple movies every day or two, building up my archive. This is not always easy to do. A motherfuckers gotta eat and this is something I don’t get paid a cent for. In fact I have to pay to see the movies, I am not one of these dudes that they feel like letting in to see the movie for free before it comes out. But even with these obstacles in my path, in my opinion I did a PRETTY fucking good job, I didn’t put on any pussy assed filler reviews or anything. In fact I gotta be honest, there are individuals allowed into that organization who are not exactly what I would call “halfway decent.” We’re talking individuals who write two paragraphs about the plot of the movie, and two sentences at the end saying if they like it or not, and they don’t really offer anything worthwhile at all. I know I am not the best at spelling or typographical stuff and what not but I feel I do have a human heart which helps in my work. Because I use it. I go for the real thing. (read the rest of this shit…)

Well if there is one thing I am it is I am an honest man and that is why it’s called Vern Tell’s It Like It Is. So to be frankly honest bud what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna recommend you don’t even bother reading the column this week. Because all it’s gonna be is a sad old ex-con on valentine’s day. So unless you’re into that kind of thing and I guess you never know maybe that’s your kick or whatever, fine, but the rest of you better move on there’s nothin to see here.

But like I said I’m tellin it like it is so if Vern is sad then the column is sad and there’s no two ways about it. And if you’d rather I just grin and bear then I got one word for you, fuck you motherfucker. This is about the Truth, pal.

And the truth is it’s valentines day and ol’ Vern is not so much a bad motherfucker as a sad motherfucker. You always hear about how much people hate valentine’s day because they’re single and it makes them sad to be alone when everybody else is eating chocolate or all greased up rolling around in a bathtub or whatever. Well for quite a few years now I always figured no problem, I don’t care if I’m single, I have a pretty good excuse due to being imprisoned and what not. And plus it’s not like I didn’t get my chance, I mean there were alot of young gals on the outside dying to get married but I’m just not that type of guy, the marry a gal but you’re in prison type of guy.

But now here I am on the outside and I gotta be honest, of all the young gals I have been with in the past months of freedom there has not been one with that perfect match type of feel. And when the valentine’s love is in the air you start thinking wait a minute now, maybe at my age I need to stop trying to get laid and start trying to get paid – paid being a metaphor for falling in love. I really have not found that special someone, I have not found a muse or a Bonnie and I am getting old and there are also some anger issues as well as a few comments that were in poor taste after a recent threesome and well anyway, long story short it looks like I’ll be sitting this one out. But hell it’s not even that, it’s just a sad time anyway because there’s nothing but death and sorrow in the air and hell, even in the airwaves. (read the rest of this shit…)

Well that gal Cool Girl who I wrote about last week, turns out she likes my sight too and she asked me to do some guest reviews for her sight. So I hope you won’t mind if I direct you over there for a few of my reviews in the near future. I think those of you who are Writers will understand where I’m coming from, it’s not very often in a man’s career as a Writer that a man gets a chance to write for a Playboy Playmate who does obscene celebrity interviews. So I mean you gotta take your chance when you get it, you can’t necessarily wati for the nxt one to come alnogn.

Well as a Positive individual I’m still trying to improve myself both as a Writer and as an American individual in a free society (i.e. I’m not in the can). So in addition to brushing up on the classics of Cinemafilm through the American Movie Classics channel, I am also trying to live some new experiences that maybe I could draw from in my Writing. Unfortunately I have already lived a very exciting life full of mayhem and intrigue, so some of this stuff I am catching up on might be old hat to some of you civilians. Like this week for example, I mean I gotta be honest here, I went ice skating.

Now I had no idea what this would be like. It is a weird feeling because you have these testosterone filled hockey players mingling with little girls in frilly black costumes spinning around on one foot. I didn’t know the atmosphere would be so trashy, like a Greyhound station or a bowling alley. I mean they have the same vending machines as a bowling alley, same video games, change machine, claw machine, lockers, cheesy top 40 dj. In fact it’s basically the same deal, you pay your money and you tell them your shoe size. And there are people there that would be right at home at a bowling alley, but then you see them spinning around like some whirligig doing all this fancypants figure skating shit. Seriously, there was a guy with camoflage pants and a mustache, looked like he could be driving demolition derby, but he’s doing the fucking ice ballet. Another guy with long trucker hair and a bald spot but he’s got on this black costume with an open front and no shirt underneath. I mean it’s weird shit. (read the rest of this shit…)

Hey guys, it’s me Vern. Author of Vern Tell’s It LIke It Is weekly column. Well I am changing the sight around a little bit, adding some new categories and what not so that’s why some things might be screwy here and there.

For a minute there I took off the reel.com banners cause I’ve been having trouble with them and these “Pages That Pay” fuckers. As you may know I signed up for this sponsorship program so you could help a motherfucker out and many of you have been kind enough to do just that. Help a motherfucker out. (me.)

Unfortunately not a cent of orders has shown up on my “pages that pay report”, even though I’ve been reminding them and even sending them the order numbers and what not. They always say they will straighten it out and then they don’t. Well now they say it’s just not showing up on my report and it’s coming through though anyway. I will keep the banners up until next week and if they don’t fix the problem those motherfuckers will be sorry they were ever born in a world where the internet connects between them and Vern.

Anyway this week I got a letter from a nice gal named Macy and she pointed me toward a sight that I can hardly believe. This is a movie type sight by a gal by the name of Cool Girl who like me is a big Bruce Campbell fan. Like me, Cool Girl reviewed Jack of All Trades and Cleopatra 2525 last week. Like me, she liked Jack of All Trades but thought Cleopatra was pretty boring. The one major difference between our reviews, in my opinion, is that hers starts out “I recently completed a photo shoot for Playboy,” she has naked pictures of herself between paragraphs, and she seems to have a firm pair of knockers that are about as huge as they can get without looking like an abomination of the lord god in heaven.

Now personally I am not into the whole tied-up, needles-sticking-out-of-ass garbage which is also included in her review/photo essay. But what can you do man. I did not know about this Cinema/nudey pictures connection and if there are any of the “movie geeks” as the ain’t it cool newsies call themselves who don’t know about Cool Girl either, i think they will be pleasantly surprised. What I mean by that is that they will get a boner. (read the rest of this shit…)

Last week as you know I presented to you the first annual Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards. I really wanted to make a real event of this, to bring more attention to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club. so I had that cokehead Walter Leno whip up a press release about it, real professional and all. I sent it out to a couple people, one of them being the ain’t it cool news since they had been Positive enough to print my Curtis Mayfield piece the week before.

Well to my surprise this Father Geek charcater must respect my work, either that or he’s making fun of me because he posted the press release as is. (Well, at the end he Wrote “catch you later” which neither me or walter actually Wrote, that was pure fabrication.)

Now I think some of you motherfuckers might be kind of concerned about ol’ Vern. Here he is on a popular mainstream type sight, he’s got some pretty boy cokehead Writing everything for him all slicklike. That motherfucker has SOLD THE FUCK OUT!

So for you worrying motherfuckers, I have a little story. Most of you have probaly heard by now I was in prison for a while up until last August, well that is where this tale takes place. You see, in the joint we had special entertainment evenings about every month or so. What they do is they hire some poor sap standup comedian to perform for a “captive audience” if you know what I mean. (Meaning we were in prison.)

I don’t know where they get these guys. I don’t even have a clue what kind of scene or school of comedy they might come out of, or if they are good or bad. for all I know these guys could have been the next Richard Pryor but the thing is, you can’t hear hardly a word they say! The moment they step out on the stage and start crackin wise, the audience eats them alive. FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER I’M GONNA STICK IT SO FAR UP YOUR CORNHOLE etc. etc. (read the rest of this shit…)