Okay, so I was off on a couple of those oscar nomination predictions. For example, it turns out Snoop Dogg was not eligible for BOSS’N UP because it was not released theatrically. And Bush only mentioned freedom 17 times in the State of the Union, not more than 20 like I guessed. I feel like a real chump for not predicting that he would mention the danger of “human-animal hybrids” in his speech. I try to be on top of that kind of thing. (Actually I thought I imagined that, but I checked the transcript and he really said it. And here I thought I was the only one obsessed with the Frankenheimer/Brando version of The Island of Dr. Moreau. I finally have something in common with that asshole.) Oh well, I never said I was a fortune teller.
1/30/06
They announce the Oscar nominations tomorrow morning so I’m gonna give my predictions in case you’re gambling or what have you. I’ll give my predictions for all the nominees and highlight the one I think will win. (Not necessarily deserves to win, but will win.)
BEST PICTURE: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, CRASH, THE CONSTANT GARDENER, GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK, MUNICH
BEST DIRECTOR: Ang Lee, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN; George Clooney, GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK; David Cronenberg, CRASH; the guy who did THE PUNISHER, if that was this year; Johnny Cash, WALK THE LINE
BEST ACTOR: Joaquin Phoenix, WALK THE LINE; P.S. Hoffman, CAPOTE; Viggo Mortensen, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE; King Kong, KING KONG; Snoop Dogg, BOSS’N UP
BEST ACTRESS: not awarded this year
SUPPORTING ACTOR: William Hurt, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE; Daniel Craig, MUNICH; Mario Van Peeble’s, CARLITO’S WAY: RISE TO POWER; somebody else who’s British or possibly American; Paul Giamatti, SEABISCUIT
SUPPORTING ACTRESS: pick somebody from CRASH, I don’t give a shit
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: fat albert maybe, or saw 2, I don’t know, but probaly CRASH
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: THE CONSTANT GARDENER (adapted from the novel The Constant Gardener by John Le Carre), BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (adapted from the short story Brokeback Mountain by Anne Proux), CRASH (adapted from the concept Racism, by the citizens of Los Angeles), HOSTEL (based on actual events), GARFIELD’S A TALE OF TWO KITTIES (adapted from the book Ziggy by Charles Dickens)
Some of these like THE CONSTANT GARDENER and BOSS’N UP I haven’t actually seen so I’m kind of guessing based on instincts. well we’ll see how I did tomorrow.
predictions for State of the Union: some asshole will mention freedom and democracy more than 20 times, he probaly won’t explain how unwarranted phone taps fit in though. Also I’m hoping he’ll fall on his ass and become enlightened like Sandra Bullock in CRASH.
House of the Dead 2
Hey boys,
I know you guys follow Dr. Uwe Boll around all the time so you’re interested in all his movies and their mysterious sequels. I know alot of people like to talk shit, but I will say this for Dr. Boll. The medical profession is a noble one. If he healed somebody some time in the past that is to be commended. If he is one of those pervy doctors that drugs ladies and feels them up or something like that, I’m against that. And if he makes bad movies like everybody says, I’m not gonna defend that either. George Miller M.D. heals people, that didn’t stop him from making MAD fucking MAX. So it’s been established that you can be a doctor and still direct great movies. Anyway that’s not important because this is not by Dr. Boll, but it’s a sequel to his movie HOUSE OF THE DEAD, I guess. I never saw any of his movies or played video games so I am uniquely unqualified for this review.
Maybe it’s better than the first one but who gives a shit. Basically what this is is another shitty movie that you will flip past on the Sci-Fi Channel. For something like that it’s surprisingly watchable if you’re being charitable. But if you remember it two days later you must’ve had a boring two days. Of course I said the same thing about WEDDING CRASHERS and people still love that movie so far so maybe this will be a runaway hit.
The movie starts out like a moronic 1980s fraternity comedy, with a bunch of annoying non-actors running around with squirt guns stealing panties. This is a way to get some tits into the movie before the plot begins. Now in case there’s anybody out there who is too young to know, the 1980s were a dark time for American culture. I don’t care if you’re nostalgic for the days of Webster and Rubik’s cube and Deaf Leopard or whatever stupid shit you remember liking when you were a kid. That’s no excuse. There is no reason to bring back the 1980s. I don’t care if have fond memories of jerking off to fraternity movies when you were a kid. We as a society should move on and progress and learn from our mistakes. There are all kinds of better things for you to jerk off to in 2006. Like that movie PIRATES, I heard that was pretty good. (read the rest of this shit…)
Crash (1996)
Since I recently watched that movie CRASH that Roger Ebert said was the best movie of 2005, I decided to finally go back and watch the original David Cronenberg version, which in my opinion is pretty fucking different.
This is the courageous story of a movie producer (James Spader) and his wife (Debora Kara Unger from STANDER and PAYBACK and THE GAME) and all the people they like to fuck from behind (various). The movie opens with Ms. Unger in an a hangar rubbing her nipple against an airplane while some dude licks her ass. And you can imagine where it would go from there (perverted car crashes, etc.). Very predictable, standard stuff.
Okay, if I must spell it out for you: The plot really kicks in when Spader causes a car accident that badly injures himself and Holly Hunter, and kills her husband. They later meet up at the junkyard where their wrecked cars are kept, and have sex in a car while (we find out later) Elias Koteas takes pictures.
The only way to accurately describe this movie is as a late night Cinemax movie gone horribly, disastrously wrong. Maybe this is the Shannon Tweed movie you’d watch on Videodrome.
Elias Koteas’s character Vaughn is sort of the leader of a weird subculture of people sexually obsessed with car crashes. Both James Spader and Holly Hunter met him while rehabilitating in the hospital, because he came in and took photos of their injuries. Later they go around together and find highway accidents and lecherously photograph them. (read the rest of this shit…)
Carlito’s Way: Rise to Power
Geez, I shouldn’t have put off seeing this movie so long considering it really is my beat. This is kind of a miracle actually. This is the rare DTV movie that could’ve passed for a low budget theatrical movie. The only thing really holding it back is being a prequel with a different star from the original, which is a real good reason not to release it in theaters. Going straight to video lowers the expectations and makes it only half count as a sequel or prequel, which gives it a better shot at working. And for me it did. Even if you don’t go for it I think you will be awed by its competence. This is definitely a landmark in DTV sequelization.
I love the original CARLITO’S WAY, but I haven’t seen it in years, so that probaly helps. I never knew this but DePalma’s movie was based on the second book in a series. The book was called After Hours, but they didn’t want it confused with the Scorsese movie of the same name so they called it CARLITO’S WAY, after the first book in the series. RISE TO POWER is actually adapted from the book Carlito’s Way, according to legend. (I haven’t read the books so who knows.)
Like in DePalma’s movie, this one starts out with Carlito Brigante fresh out of prison, but he goes right back into crime, he doesn’t make any effort to stay out of it. The story is about the heroin trade in New York some time in the late ’60s or early ’70s or so. Control of the city is split between black gangs in Harlem, Puerto Rican gangs in spanish Harlem and Italians in some other part, I don’t know. The genius of Carlito’s operation is that he works a triumvirate with his two former cellmates, the Italian Rocco (Michael Kelly, DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) and Earl (Mario Van Peebles, everything). Each of them deals with the hotshots in one of the territories, so Carlito deals with the Puerto Ricans, Earl with the blacks and Rocco with the eye-talians. Strangely, you don’t see Carlito’s deals as much as you see the other two. Earl has to negotiate with the oppulent priss Hollywood Nicky (Sean Combs, “anything can happen”) who runs Harlem and Rocco has to deal with some standard mafia types, and both of them give alot more trouble than Carlito’s buddy Colorado (Casper Martinez, CARLITO’S ANGELS).
I should mention that poor Rocco doesn’t even get pictured on the cover. What the fuck. I understand you gotta put Puffy Diddy on there and you gotta put Luis Guzman, but this is one of the main characters, he goes on there too. (read the rest of this shit…)
Match Point
MATCH POINT is the new Woody Allen picture. The title refers to tennis but to me it sounds like just some generic name of a place title like GOSFORD PARK or PACIFIC HEIGHTS or LAND OF THE DEAD. If it was up to me it would be called KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS. You know, like, “This winter, director Woody Allen invites you to… Keep Your Dick In Your Pants.”
This is the first Woody Allen movie in a long time that doesn’t seem exactly like every other Woody Allen movie. It takes place in London with a mostly british cast. Jonathan Rhys somebody (a guy from TITUS) plays a guy named Chris. He’s a former pro tennis player who’s kind of a cheapskate, always trying to bum shit off of people. So one day he’s taking advantage of a rich tennis student’s generosity when he falls for the guy’s sister (Emily Mortimer). And then as soon as that’s rolling he falls even harder for the guy’s fiancee (Scarlett Johansen [hubba hubba]). He wants Scarlett bad and tries to make a pass at her but it doesn’t work out. So what the hell, he marries Emily. He gets a good job out of it and her parents pay for him to have a nice apartment and shit. And she wants some babies, now.
So then he’s playing tennis with the brother-in-law and the brother-in-law lets it slip that he decided to break up with Scarlett. Ah, shit. Next thing you know Chris tracks her down and starts having an affair with her. The movie is kind of like FATAL ATTRACTION in reverse. The married guy is pretty much stalking her at first. She’s not crazy, except in the sense that she’s screwin this chump. She does have to spend alot of the movie yelling and upset, but you can’t blame her. She’s the victim in this not some psychotic bitch like you’d expect in one of these affair movies.
I got a special inside tip from my man Laremy, he told me a while back that this one was terrible. I usually agree with Laremy but not on this one. It took me a little bit to warm up to it because the lead character is such an unlikable prick. And it’s not AMERICAN PSYCHO or nothing, you’re not sure, maybe you really are supposed to identify with this guy. But there’s literally no reason to like him, and every reason to hate him. Jesus, even down to him playing tennis. Who the fuck plays tennis? Anyway he’s not an anti-hero. He’s not a maniac. He’s just a fuckin scumbag. (read the rest of this shit…)
Mindhunters
Some day I gotta come up with a name for this certain style of movie I like, a movie that is really fuckin dumb, but in a good way. It manages to be so spectacular, almost innovative in its level of stupidity that it is what the young people now and in the ’80s called “awesome.” I’m not talking a dumb comedy like HOW HIGH, I’m talking about a movie that as far as anyone knows is supposed to be serious. One really good example is DEEP BLUE SEA, Renny Harlin’s movie about super intelligent sharks. That takes the genre to its highest levels because there are so many things that play with the audience’s expectations that it is undeniably clever, almost brilliant. And at the same time, so fuckin dumb. A movie where a girl has to take her scuba suit off and stand on top of it so as not to get electrocuted. Because of the super intelligent sharks. That’s the best, when it’s so smart and so dumb that you can’t even tell which is which anymore.
Well this is not that good but it is another dumb movie by the same director. I think maybe the pressure of doing a sequel to DIE HARD was too much for Renny Harlin to take, it damaged his brain and he’s been mushy ever since. MINDHUNTERS isn’t as good as DEEP BLUE SEA but it’s worthwhile if you’re into that type of stupid shit, like I am. It has Val Kilmer, Christian Slater and of course DEEP BLUE SEA’s LL Cool J in the cast but it sat on the shelf for a couple years. It actually came out on DVD in Russia a long time before it came out in american theaters. So maybe the Russians could tell me what to call this genre.
Here’s the premise: a group of hotshot students trying to become FBI profilers must face their final test – they are sent to a remote island to track a fictional serial killer. But then somebody starts killing them for real one by one in elaborate show offy ways.
Even the very premise of this movie makes no god damn sense. How could anybody learn anything about profiling from a hypothetical killer? All that means is the teacher (Val Kilmer, ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU) made up a story and the students guessed it right. Maybe it would have some value if he could base it on a real killer, but then if these were really the top students they would probaly know about all the famous cases, wouldn’t they? (read the rest of this shit…)
Crash (2005)
Unfortunately this is not the pervy Cronenberg movie I’ve never gotten around to seeing about the people getting off on car crashes. This is the race relations movie directed by Paul Haggis, writer of Clint’s MILLION DOLLAR BABY. I gotta be honest, my reason for seeing this was not that I thought I would like it, but that I was just real damn curious. Because it got so many rave reviews, and Roger Ebert chose it as the best of the year, but every single person I knew who had seen it said it was corny, overwrought bullshit.
I hate to be a centrist but I think it falls somewhere in the middle. It seems well intentioned. It’s trying to point out different kinds of subconscious racism, it’s trying to show that people are complicated, racists maybe have a chance of being redeemed, people who don’t think they are racists might end up shooting a black dude, etc. It’s one of those movies where there’s a bunch of different characters tangentally connected by coincidence and you find out as the story unfolds what they have to do with each other, which can be fun. And there’s some good little moments and whatnot. One of the best scenes actually involves a cop trying to save somebody from a flipped car before it blows up. In other words, a scene you can see in every single episode of CHiPs. But this is better directed so it’s pretty intense. Also Tony Danza has a cameo.
Other than Tony Danza there’s a good cast and lots of good acting. Terence Howard is always good, Thandie Newton is good, Don Cheadle is real good which is getting kind of old in my opinion. Come on Don, let’s see one movie where your acting sucks. You’re repeating yourself too much. Larenz Tate from MENACE II SOCIETY is in there, I like him. The biggest surprise is Ludacris. I didn’t think he was all that great in the much better HUSTLE & FLOW, but here he really impressed me. Also his character is pretty funny. In his first scene he does a long monologue about racism and how the white woman (Sandra Bullock) that he passed on the street was obviously scared of him and why do white people fear black men and etc., then he pulls out a gun and carjacks Sandra Bullock. And he continues to preach throughout the movie while committing crimes. (read the rest of this shit…)
Hustle & Flow
I had a good feeling about this movie from right about the time the title came on the screen. It was a shot of a pimp (Terence Howard) and a ho (Taryn Manning) driving in a car, and it freeze frames to write the title in yellow ’70s style lettering.
I always like Terence Howard but I’ve never seen him in a lead role before. He’s always the supporting role that steals the movie. Here he has a lead role that steals the movie. I haven’t seen GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN but I would be surprised if Terence Howard’s performance in this movie doesn’t run a hundred circles around his co-star in that movie, both as an actor and as a rapper. True, he does mumble alot in this movie (you almost need subtitles) but I still feel his enunciation is better than Fifty Cents.
What I am doing here is starting a feud with Fifty Cents. Apparently he told GQ that if he wasn’t a felon he would’ve voted for Bush because “he’s a hustler” and blah blah blah. I think that’s enough to write the motherfucker off forever. If a grown man says that kind of retarded fifteen year old street hustler horse shit that means he is 100% lifetime chump. That pretty much proves what I was saying about how today’s so-called rebels have the same values as the corrupt bastards that they would be rebelling against if they actually were rebels. This guy might as well be fuckin Pat Boone. But he’s not in this movie fortunately so let’s get back on topic.
Anyway, this movie is about a small time pimp and weed dealer in Memphis who starts to question what he’s doing with his life. He says he’s having a mid-life crisis. Then he is inspired to become a rapper. Sounds simple and it is, maybe sounds stupid, but it’s not. It’s an underdog story, an unlikely dude chasing a dream and also becoming just barely a little bit more enlightened (like BAD SANTA maybe, but this isn’t a comedy). (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern’s Long Essay About The Boondocks
Dear Hercules T. Strong,
My name is Vern and I am a fellow writer here at The Ain’t It Cool News. I usually write over on the “movie” side though, because that’s my thing. You would have seen some of my Writings however at the time you were busy watching VERONICA OF MARS or some show like that. But they were pretty good reviews, you would’ve liked them in my opinion.
The truth is bud, and please don’t take offense to this, but I don’t watch a whole hell of alot of the TV these days. There’s just not alot there that floats my boat. In fact sometimes I read your articles and I don’t even understand your crazy TV slang. Teleplay? Colorcast? Hourlongs? Skein? Simulblogged? HBO? I’m even more out of my element when you make those little in-references. Take a look at these three items:
- Boy of my flag and boy of your flag! ! Today Eko Eko! ! The beginning ever since November it is new, it was gone! ! Nay of Jockomo Feena! !
- Hosting plans information -Sensattional revolution in meedicine! -E-nlarge your p-enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches! -It’s herbal solution what hasn’t side effect, but has 100% guaranteed results! -Don’t loose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!
- My Flag Boy And Your Flag Boy!! Eko Eko Today!! The First New LOST Since November!! Jockomo Feena Nay!!
One is a friendly email I recently received, one is a recent Coaxial headline, and one is a coaxial headline translated into Japanese and then back into English. You can probaly tell which is which because you speak both English and Herc. Me, they all look exactly the same. The idea here is not to take potshots at your jargon, but to establish that I am not a with-it TV type of dude. But it just so happens there is exactly one TV show I really do like that I don’t think you’ve ever written about or done a talkback for. So I have no choice but to send you a long essay about the first season so far (9 episodes I think). (read the rest of this shit…)
