First of all, before I get into the holy religious holiday of Easter and all, I want to say WHO THE FUCK is this jackass Chris Gore, and how many times should I stab him? If I was a violent person. You see today I was watching the FX channel over there on the cable, minding my own business, when suddenly I see this ad for The Man Show or whatever his thing is called. Now I have seen this show before and the less I say about it the better. So I will tell you a lot about it. It is shit. I will get into that in a minute.

Let me just mention as an aside, a dude in the guestbook says I was featured in a british dancing music magazine called Jockey Slut. Was Chris Gore ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was Harvey S. Karten ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was I? According to this guy, yes. If somebody could please send me a scan of this or something I would REALLY fucking appreciate it.

Anyway back to this motherfucker on FX. What got me mad is not that this show is even worse than Access Hollywood. It is that on the ads, the dude says, “Finally, a critic who tells it like it is.”

Now does that remind you of anyone? Can you think of any other critic (or, in this case, Film Writer), who Tell’s It Like It Is? Has there ever been one before? One who has written a new column every week for 28 straight weeks, each with one hundred (100) times as much insight into the Artistic Works of Cinema as an entire season of Chris Gore’s moronic TV show?

I mean, jesus.

(I’m talking about me, by the way, if you didn’t catch that. I am the one who “tell’s it like it is.” That is the name of my column.) (read the rest of this shit…)

Well ladies and gentlemen I would like to thank all of you who responded to my last column, letting me know about some of the Badass pictures and the Badasses of the world that I should study. That’s right I would like to personally thank each and every one of the two motherfuckers that helped me out. Jeff and Brian you know who you are.

Jeff gave me some tips on some more Lee Marvin, Billy Jack and Charles Bronson pictures to examine in the near future. Jeff I will definitely be on the lookout and keeping my ears peeled for Mr. Majestyk, Born Losers and etc. Brian didn’t go into the specifics about the pictures but he told me about a couple foreign language Badasses who he felt had bodies of work worthy of study.

First off hailing from Japan, Asia is Mr. Takeshi “Beat” Kitano. Beat is one of the category of artist I most admire, the Badass Laureate, or the action star who also directs his own pictures, like Clint Eastwood. The guy that can kick ass AND make the movie to prove it.

However, I will require further studies before I can truly understand the Way of Beat Takeshi. So far I have watched his second picture as a director, Boiling Point. What I figured was this – Hard Boiled is the greatest action picture of the ’90s. And the word “boiled” is in the title. You see where I’m going with this? That is why I thought Boiling Point would be the best Kitano piece.

Well, turns out Beat is only a supporting character in this, and a funny one too, so it is hard to scientifically gauge his level of Badass integrity and what not just based on this one piece. The direction here is very real and cinema verite as the French would call it, not sure what the Japanese would call it. But it kind of reminded me of The Reservoir Dogs and Tree’s Lounge, you hear the cars driving by on the next street over, you get a feel for the setting and you kind of think you are there. The humor is very dry and quiet. There are lots of jokes like when some guys crash into a parked car, and the owner of the car is standing on the side of the road taking a piss. (You know how it is.) What’s funny is the way he just stands there and looks at the accident, no emotion on his face, like he’s not sure how to react. Well, I mean, you’ll understand when you see it. (read the rest of this shit…)

Well looks like I won’t need to watch the Oscars after all, one of my buds just got in a truckload of Oscar statues and we’re gonna pass them out to deserving motherfuckers on the street. If you feel you have been neglected in the past, this includes Al Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sam Peckinpah etc., please show up on 5th and Stewart Sunday evening.

No just kidding bud, I wish. But the truth is I am getting a little nervous, I am feeling the butterflies in the stomach because like I said I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars. It’s been a while and I hope this is a good one.

So this week’s column, well I gotta be honest you might as well skip it because all I’m gonna do is talk about the Oscars and who should win and what not. I mean seriously sorry about this folks this is all I have. I like to think of myself as a creative individual but even the creativest motherfucker around has an off day every once in a while, or pretty often in my case, most often on the day I write my weekly column. But the rest of the week, I mean, you should see it.

Anyway, let’s start off with probaly the most important category, sound effects editing. I have no clue what this one is, I mean how would you know they did a good job editing the sound effects unless they did a bad job. Like if they accidentally didn’t edit out the guy laughing and saying, “ha ha ha, that was celery breaking, not a bone – these people are idiots they believe this shit! Ha ha ha ha!” Then you would know it was bad sound effects editing. But good? I mean, how do you know? I don’t know, all I know is I’m rooting for 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club since it’s the only category it was nominated in. (read the rest of this shit…)

First of all, is that fucked up or what over there in New York, letting off the four bastard cops that shot an unarmed innocent man 41 times. I mean good jesus what is wrong with this country that shit like this keeps happening. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you really thought the guy was gonna shoot you (and I mean gimme a fuckin break, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that action) you STILL don’t shoot him 41 times unless you think he’s a vampire. And EVEN if you buy that they thought he was gonna shoot him AND he was a vampire, this is still not the kind of mistake you let slide. If you’re the kind of guy that freaks out and unloads 16 bullets every time you see a “suspicious” black guy, that is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be given a job where you are allowed to carry a gun! I mean even in the bank robbery industry, which isn’t subject to any official rule book or internal review, they don’t let that shit slide!

Let’s look at another industry, let’s say you are a trucker, and you accidentally ran over a guy on a crosswalk. You can’t say, “Well, I thought he was on the sidewalk, but turned out he was on the street.” I mean you can say it, but that won’t be good enough. This is basically what they are saying. “Well, we jumped out of our unmarked car and randomly executed a man in front of his own house, we were nervous though what can you do. Sorry about that bud but we feel guilty as it is.”

Seriously, this sounds like some stupid shit some dude I knew in the pen might’ve done, and that’s nothin to brag about. This wasn’t even like Rodney King, where they had a reason to pull him over and THEN turned into rampaging cavemen. This was just a guy who they thought looked “suspicious”. It could’ve been anyone. And before you say, “No, I don’t have to worry, I’m white,” think about it – even a white guy or an older asian guy, if he’s wearing a hood, they might assume he’s black from behind and shoot him just in case.

And I don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that this shit goes down all the time, the fact that many people deny that it goes down all the time, or the fact that even after it goes down, many people try to convince themselves that it was an honest mistake. I mean to this day there are fucking nitwits out there who think those LAPD stormtroopers were honestly afraid of the unconscious Rodney King and were stepping on his neck in self defense. And there are people who say, “Well, it says in the police handbook that’s okay,” and never stop to think, “Holy shit, it says in the police handbook that’s okay!?!?” (read the rest of this shit…)