VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #56 - The Return of the Vern
Well friends it looks like ol' Vern has some explainin to do. And the sad thing is I don't have jack shit to say for myself. Sometimes a man just has to do what a man does when he has to do it, or whatever. There comes a time in a man's personal journey, that is to say in man's life, that that journey must take a break, or sojourn, in that journey, is what I'm trying to say. A hiatus.
Okay some of you motherfuckers are looking at me real blank eyed and what not. I haven't written a column for a couple weeks, jackasses. I guess you didn't miss me, then. It was supposed to be mysterious. Like - what is Vern up to? Where has he gone? What personal discoveries has he made? Will we ever be the same? Oh I do hope he comes back. And soon!
So here I am again.
By the way for those of you keeping track, I been gone for a while, and I came back, and in that time we still haven't picked a new president. Looks like the texas oil shiek will take the belt on a technicality but you never know who might jump in the ring at the last second. (Wrestling analogy explained later.)
I guess a motherfucker can't expect the american people to learn anything from this whole fiasco but at the very least I hope it gets drawn out long enough that both candidates and their entire staffs have nothin but white hair and blood pressure.
Anyway first and last order of business here is the art of the fuckin Cinema. That's the movies, for you lay men out there who might be reading. I gotta be honest I haven't gotten a chance to see Bruce's new picture with Samuel L. Jackson. And other than that there's about jack shit or less movies out there. I believe there is one about the dalmations, and the one with the green ape from christmasland. Well sorry but Vern doesn't do that.
So what I'm doing, I'm sticking to the home video market. Trying to find a picture out there to believe in. A picture to tell me Vern, I don't care if you went on a hiatus trying to find yourself and came back with nothin but lint in your pockets. And poor quality lint at that. I don't care if you live in a country where the election process is so undemocratic you start yearning for the good old fashioned military coup. Eyes may shine and teeth may grit or whatever but the point is Vern, my friend, I am the movie to shine a bright light in your path and lead the way. The movie to strengthen your heart and polish your soul and give your spirit a blowjob. You see I am the movie that is gonna give you hope for the future and remind you what life is about and what is important to you and what you must strive for as a man, and as an american, and as a respected ex-con Writer on the films of Cinema. I am Hope, I am Glory, I am the Almighty Power of the Lord God of Cinema. I am not however the new movie Steal This Movie starring Vincent D'Onofrio and Janeane Garafalo in the story of Abby Hoffman's life.
No Vern, that is not me. I mean don't get me wrong you will probaly enjoy that movie. It is all about the spirit of Abby Hoffman and how could you not get a kick out of that. Abby was a genuine outlaw. He "went underground" when the feds finally had something on him. He had done all this war protest/entertainment type crap for a long time and they had been trying to frame him for years. Finally he fucked up big time when he got caught in some kind of coke deal. So instead of going to prison he went on the run and never got caught, turned himself in 6 years later and was able to expose CoIntelPro, the FBI program for framing and discrediting the Black Panthers and anti-war types.
I mean I know you like all that kind of shit but listen to me Vern. I ain't gonna lie to you. This is not a perfect movie. It'll tell you some shit about Abby. It'll entertain you a little. It'll have a couple funny parts with this Donal Logue dude. But mostly it'll tell you what to think about Abby Hoffman, remind you what you think about him. There'll be alot of Janeane Garafalo narrating what was good about him instead of showing it. It's a good educational movie but not a good real movie.
But I am not that kind of movie, Vern. I am not a fake recreation of a true event. In fact I am a real documentary of a fake event. Like Steal This Movie I start out at the end, then skip back to the beginning. And I tell the story of one man's continuing stand against insurmountable odds, facing down the big man, standing up for what he believes in and becoming a martyr that most people will never even know about.
But in this case the dude is not a political activist, he's a professional wrestler. Vern don't you remember me? You already reviewed me. My name is Hitman Hart: Wrestling With Shadows and I am one of the best fucking movies you ever seen.
Vern here again. That's right people, you heard the movie. And he's not just bragging. I watched Wrestling With Shadows again and I'm glad I did. I loved that fucking movie and I'm gonna go tell it on the mountain top.
Look people I don't know a turnbuckle from a belt buckle but I do know this. I never seen a better film about standing up for what you believe in. Maybe it's because wrestling is so dumb that it's the perfect metaphor for anything. The universal story of the little guys versus the rich fucks. The slaves versus the masters. The artists versus the soulsucking money men. If this was about some great poet from the renaissance or something, you wouldn't try to apply it to anything. But it's about a canadian dude in pink spandex and sunglasses. So it's universal.
This movie doesn't tell you what to think in words. But it's all there between the lines. I don't know if anybody agreed with me on Knightriders but here's one I feel just as strongly about. This is a movie about a man dedicated to his artform, pitted against the man who sees it as a product. This could be the story of the great filmatists, or the Abby Hoffmans, or the you and mes. Believe me if I could turn you onto one thing it would be this one. Come on people, go out and find it.
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #57 - A low down dirty fucking god damn shame in a pile of filth and evil (December 14th, 2000)
Traditionally I like to start out every column with an apology for the garbage that you are about to read. This week the apology is directed mainly at the non-americans out there who get bored every time I start talking about some kind of American shit, like presidents, etc. Presidents are what we have here instead of the Queen. We have states instead of provinces or islands, and we have astronauts instead of cosmonauts. If you have any other questions I would be glad to explain. We call them french fries for example instead of chips. Chips here are just potato chips, and we don't have ketchup flavored or pickle flavored like you freako canadians do. Just Cool Ranch, Cheestacular, etc. They say some of our snacks are dangerously cheesy.
Now I know you guys think of americans as a bunch of fucking morons, but I want to be the first to point out that it's NOT ON US this time. Our hands are clean. The american people had nothin to do with electing that illiterate oil shiek frat boy, black man executing son of a Panama-Iraq invading CIA madman. Everyone knows the other motherfucker won the popular vote. And as far as anybody can tell he probaly woulda won the electoral vote if they were allowed to count the votes that people turned in. I mean anybody's guess I suppose but let's assume the best from americans here all right.
You wanna blame somebody for the giant assfucking some of you countries are about to get - and that's a god damn promise with this kid needing more than any president ever to prove his manhood by invading some poor bastard of a foreign country - blame some judges. I've had some trouble with judges in the past so it's no surprise that five out of nine of these motherfuckers gave the republican that glorious presidential mandate that boils down to "Well, there just isn't enough time to count the votes."
Real, ordinary citizens, in theory, value the right to vote between the lesser of two evils. Of the minority of americans who vote, many think very seriously for months about which one of the two is going to be the least painful to vote for. Ordinary citizens would NEVER give up the right to vote, as meaningless as it would be even if all of the votes were allowed to be counted. Unless you count those retards they interview on the news saying, "Well, one way or the other, I'm glad to see it over." Jesus you people, you're so bored of the election coverage that you're willing to throw away the power of voting? Can I have your absentee ballot next time? I'll probaly just write in Dolemite, but I'm still taking democracy more seriously than you.
Still, I blame the judges for this. Because it was their political bullshit that made it all final. And do I look like a fucking judge? Am I wearing a black robe? Hell no. Am I wearing a wig? No. (I threw that one in for the brits, although our judges don't wear wigs.) No, I am not a judge so don't look at me, man. I'm clean on this one.
Plus, check out my new bumper sticker:
| Don't blame me, I'm a convicted felon and am not allowed to vote. |
By the way, you guys want something else to complain about from the americans, look no further than our cherished national symbol of baseball. What this is basically is a sport similar to cricket or pachinko, I believe it is called football in some countries although here it is called baseball. What it is is a version of stickball which takes alot longer, that kevin costner made a movie about once. Hard to explain but picture a sport on the boring meter somewhere below curling and just above solar car racing.
As I've said before I'm not a sports fan at all, unless you count bowling or cockfighting. But the local press here won't leave it alone so I couldn't help but find out about this Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez who was the popular player on the seatle mariner baseball team. Apparently the dude's contract ran out or whatever and it was time to convince him to stay. The owners offered him what would have been the most money ever payed to an athlete. To give him an idea what kind of sickening richness this little bitch was about to receive, they also arranged for him to go golfing with Bill Gates and get a tour of the Boeing 747 plant. Their way of saying, "With this money, you could buy three of these jets. And crash them ON PURPOSE. I don't fucking care, you can do ANYTHING you lucky son of a bitch, and just because you're pretty and know how to hit a ball with a stick."
But that kind of money is simply not enough when it comes to offering a young child of 25 years old more money than any human being could ever legitimately earn by doing anything that involves the manipulation of a small round object. I don't care if it was the Lord Jesus Christ's brain this kid was throwing around, you just don't deserve those kind of riches for throwing a round thing around, ever. Anyway, the Texas Oil Shieks or whatever their team is called offered him even MORE money, so he took it.
Now look, I don't blame the young man for taking the money. You get your dick sucked enough, you're gonna start thinking it's a Tootsie Pop. What I'm offended by in this scenario is the way "A-Rod" held a press conference to say hey guys, I really wanted to stay in Seattle, and I was disappointed that they only offered me a mere 180 million dollars or whatever. I felt saddened and betrayed. But they offered me no choice. This hurts me more than it hurts you. I came THIS CLOSE to slitting my wrists. THIS CLOSE.
These baseball kids have been fucking us for years now and we keep letting it happen. Couple years back the mariners threatened to leave if the city didn't demolish their current stadium and replace it with a newer one. The taxpayers voted overwhelmingly against this scheme, and the city did it anyway, using a different set of taxes than originally suggested but of course not putting it to a vote this time.
The next year, their star player left for more money. So they got the new one, and this year he left. And these kids of course are going to go to other cities where they will help their new teams pull the "we need a new stadium" scam again.
More and more we are becoming a country that replaces beliefs and soul and heart with piles of cash. Real passion and conviction has no monetary value and has become obsolete. Nobody hits a ball or makes a movie because they want to anymore, they do it because they want to buy coke and get their dick sucked. Not that those things are unpleasant or nothing but there was a time when those were considered maybe the #2 or #3 thing in life, not #1. We let a rich kid usurp the presidency because of the rich dudes that run the courts and the election committees and one of the two clubs liked his dad. I mean jesus people what in fuck's name, I mean christ, I mean I'm about to burst a vein here people. There doesn't seem to be much hope for us.
Thank god america has some exciting new cinematic offerings on the horizon like the new Chow Yun Fat picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Takeshi Kitano's Brother and... wait a minute.
oh jesus people. Give me SOMETHING. please tell me Clint Eastwood is working on something.
please americans I'm dying here.
help me.
vern.
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #58 - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (December 21st)
My friends, you may think I have been neglecting you. In the past month or two I have abandoned all my discipline and stopped doing the column weekly. I haven't been reviewing all that many movies. I've been staying pretty much away from the computers of the internet except for Writing the occasional Ain't It Cool News joke talk back message under the name "Darth Superman."
The truth is I'm doing you a big fucking favor. I'm cutting down on my Writing. Focussing it. Putting my emphasis on what matters to me most, like honor, respect, and breaking a motherfuckers legs. I'm hoping less Writing = less crap, and therefore, better Writing. So you get to waste less time reading it, plus it'll be better. That's the theory, anyway.
But my friends this week I come to you with news on a great movie which happens to not be a Badass movie in my opinion. I know some of my colleagues in Badass Studies will disagree since this is a movie made up of many excellent fighting scenes and since one of the stars happens to be Mr. Chow Yun Fat star of the best action movie of the '90s. But to me the highly acclaimed picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is not so much about fighting as it is about love and woman empowerment and graceful movement. It's more like a musical or one a them tapdancing movies they made back then with all the singing and umbrellas and what not. And I ain't making excuses like the other critics, because I'd RATHER say it was a kung fu movie, and I loved it. But facts are facts, and this is a tap dancing movie. I ain't complainin though cause it's the best tap dancing movie I seen in years.
My man Fat gets to perform stunts like I never seen him before, because he's doing all kinds of kung fu and great swordsmanshipping. In case you don't know not all chinese dudes know kung fu, and I never seen Fat do it before. Always using guns. Maybe a punch now and then but very rarely kicking. Here he's flyin around like a god damn superman, flippin the swords around like WHISH WHISH WHISH and who the fuck even KNOWS what some a those weapons are called that he's using. These guys know how to USE the things, we americans can't even NAME them. That's how far ahead of us Fat is.
But like I said, this is a tapdancing movie. Not a Badass movie. And Fat is one fuck of a tapdancer. What he has, more than a cold stare and a cool way to balance a toothpick on his lip, even more than being real damn handsome, and I can say that knowing it doesn't compromise my masculinity because by now every man on earth has admitted it about this particular fella. But Chow Yun Fat has the charisma.
I mean it's like whatsisdick. Cary Grant. Errol Flynn. These type a motherfuckers. I can't remember which one is which to be honest, but whichever one of those dudes who was the most charisma-y. That's Chow Yun Fat. He has the presence and what not. The slickness. I hate to say it boys but guys like you and me can train with swords and lift weights for ten hundred years, we'll still never have what Chow Yun Fat has. Because what matters here is not how hard he hits, or even how fast he swings the sword. It's the light touch that matters. In one of the unforgettable scenes in this picture, he has a sword fight on top of trees. On his tippy toes. With real thing branches. Waving in the wind. That's not so much Badass as it is suave. I mean that's how you get dates, youngsters. The suave shit.
Hell, we could all get makeovers and graduate magna cume loud from charm school, we're still gonna every once in a while puke into a gutter or cough up some blood or get pissed at a dude for almost running us over and punch through his window and show up for dinner with a towel around our fist and blood dripping out or, who knows what we'll do but we'll do something that Fat would never do. Because he's Cary Grant. Or whichever one.
And the thing is, he's not even the star of this movie. That would be an adorable 19 year old little girl named Zang Yiyi who plays Jen, the engaged aristocrat's daughter. In the daytime she dresses like Princess Yumyum or whatever her name was in Star Trek Phantom Menace. At night, she sneaks out wearing a black mask, steals Fat's sword, flies around and beats the shit out of every motherfucker that comes her way. She's this dainty little thing but she fights so good that everybody ignores their eyes and just calls her "he." And she kicks and she hits and she breaks through floors and stairs and she takes on big guys and rough guys and multiple guys and guys waving weird chinese weapons and giant metal clubs and she kicks every single ass she comes across. Every one.
But fellas, lets not get carried away. This is not a break the bottle on your neck, puke the blood in your face, hit your head against the parking meter until quarters fall out kind of fight scene. This is tapdancing.
As everybody knows, so who knows why I mention it, this choreography is by one of the best, Yuen Wo Ping, the director of Drunken Master, the choreographer of The Matrix, the brother of the guy who choreographed Charlie's Angels. And this first fight scene will probaly be one of his proudest moments ever. This is a stunning achievement of rhythm and movement, and it builds in speed and excitement until the end. Michelle Yeoh, and I don't know why I didn't mention her yet but yes she's in this one fellas, she fights cute little Jen. And the two of them hop across roof tops and dance up and down walls and even bump their feet against each other like those two rappers used to do, the one regular guy and the one with the giant hair. Remember those guys? It's like that, but alot better though.
And then when the fighting stops there is some talking, and we find out about the tragic unrequitted type love between Michelle and Fat. And we see how Jen idolizes Michelle and how Michelle knows what Jen is up to but doesn't want to embarrass her, and how Fat wants to kill Jen's master but likes Jen herself so tries to get her to join him. And then Jen runs off in the desert and starts beating up/kissing a dirty bandit named Lo. And unlike many kung fu films I've seen, I actually cared about all this nonsense. About the relationships and what not. And by the end, when Michell and Jen face off, I was like JESUS that's cold, how could you say she's not a true friend. You see? What I'm saying here is that the emotions and the relationships are what you're excited about, in addition to the kicking and hitting each other with swords. And when the story and the asskicking comes together so organically that makes every blow more powerful, cinematastically speaking. in my opinion.
Now I know for a fact that this is not the first one of these flying kung fu movies. And it's also not the first one that combines the sensitive lover story, Jane Austin period melodrama type deal with the flying around kung fu. All the magazines are saying, "Only Ang Lee would come up with this!" even though it's really a whole genre over there in Hong Kong and what not.
BUT, that said, this is one of the best of those type of movies, out of the couple I've seen. I mean this motherfucker is ELEGANT. I like the heroic trio girls, but those are noisy movies, lots of WHOOSH and ZAPPP and CHHHOOOOSSSHHHCCCHHH whenever they fly. Not here. This is a quiet movie. No explosions. Sometimes there is music but sometimes you just hear the little pitterpatter of those little kung fu booties rubbing against the roofs. A little wiff or a ffftt here and there but not many WHOOSHes.
And you know what they did, the ladies and gentlemen who released this picture? They released it AS IS. They didn't dub it into American and retitle it "Fatal Dragon" or "Enemy Tiger" or "Armor of God 3: Hidden Dragon". They didn't cut out half an hour. They didn't add "Who Let the Dogs Out" into part of it to make it more current. Hell they didn't even show Jet Li on the poster with his Lethal Weapon 4 haircut. And yet, the theater was packed. And the motherfuckers loved it. They clapped at the opening credits, and the end credits, and at particular moments, and especially at the end of the first fight scene. I mean that was spontaneous applause like it was the end of a song. It was a great experience and this is going to be a big hit and I hope it haunts every one of those piss brained soul less fucks over at miramax who had any part in releasing "The LEgend of Fong Sai Yuk" as "The Legend" a couple weeks ago. This oughta learn em some respect. I hope they have nightmares about every penny that slipped through their fingers because of that "Jet Li Collection" bullshit. "Americans don't understand elegant period kung fu, so let's tell 'em it's another generic cop movie!" Money is all that matters to you bitches so I hope you never see it again. fuck you and fuck your home and your beliefs and your whore mother.
Whoah I believe I let that paragraph get away from me there, sorry folks. Anyway the point is this. Critics right and left are saying, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, this is a good one." I'm gonna have to agree with them. Coulda used more blood but still, I liked all the dancing.
thanks guys
Vern
YES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IT IS A NEW VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS
Hey, remember me. Vern.
If you don't know me, what it is is I used to be in prison. Then I started Writing movie reviews on the internet. then stopped.
(capsule version)
Or if it was TV Guide it would be even shorter:
Vern Tell's It Like It Is (:30). Ex-con reviews films. (R)
One time I saw one for Baywatch where all it said was, "Bikinis." Like how are you supposed to know which episode that is, really.
Anyway the point is this. Shit changes. P.S. Shit NEVER changes. I been out of the picture for MUCH longer stretches than this six months here, so this is nothing. But let's do a little review here.
The last time you heard from me here was December 2000, when I did the Crouching Tiger review.
Times can be hard for a motherfucker, in my opinion. Case in point, these times we're having right now. I'm not gonna blame this retard we have in the president's house, but jesus. What a perfect mascot for america fucking itself in its own ass.
Let me tell you something, if you got an individual who is a ticking time bomb, like let's say his name is Vern. I don't care how mellow the reputation is, don't send this dude to Seattle. This place is getting ready to explode.
You know how I feel about cops but, jesus. They couldn't have more accidental shootings of black people if they tried. And remember that whole wto fiasco? Out of all the gorilla cops that went nuts that week, the ONE that got fired - the one that got videotaped going up to a car, knocking on the window, then pepper spraying the two women inside, AND kicking down a medic (in a seperate incident)- you guessed it. Reinstated with back pay.
In seattle, you can do that. And enough time has passed that everybody says - ah, fuck it. You don't get a riot in Seattle. It just slides.
I mean you talk about a city where the people are boiling. We have the second worst traffic in the country, but it's even worse if you DON'T have a car. How many fucking times can you be hit by a motherfucker talking on a cell phone before you say "enough"? We got this asshole in Bellevue who got rich selling engraved watches to fraternities over the internet - every year he makes a new initiative that takes money away from public transportation. So the fare is going up again, the routes are getting cut again, and they sure as fuck aren't making the service any better. I mean how much do you really want us to pay to sit between a laughing dude that smells like piss and a guy who suddenly pulls a stack of quarters out of his mouth?
You motherfuckers think you've got it bad driving to work in your suv, listening to tom lykus talk about tits? try WALKING to work, asshole. You got crosswalks here but NOBODY stops. We gotta actually run out into the street and hope you'll swerve. I mean it should not require an act of civil disobedience to cross the fucking road.
Let's say your using a crosswalk, and no cars will stop for you. You keep inching out further into the road. Finally an old lady slows down and lets you cross.
So you're crossing and then this piece of dog shit shaped like a man, driving a little sports car, rolls up behind the old lady and HONKS AT HER for a) observing the pedestrian's right of way, b) exercising common courtesy for a motherfucker and c) delaying the sports car by 3-4 seconds in its journey to the red light half a block down.
And then let's say, while the sports car is waiting at the light, you go up and try to talk to the guy, but he pretends like he doesn't see you, so you punch through the side window, and you tear his shirt and then run along the side of the car and slap him a couple times before he gets away.
I mean, that shouldn't be illegal is all I'm trying to point out here. In my opinion. But apparently some people in Seattle disagree. In my experience.
Well I been having some troubles dealing with the climate of America 2001 but there's one thing that always puts a smile on my face. That's when I check my e-mail and realize that holy shit, I STILL got people Writing to me. These are people who don't know me from adam or steve. They don't know if they can trust me, or if I'm even a real person. But they want to make sure I'm still alive, make sure I'm still clean, encourage me to Write again. People who still see a movie and think, I gotta recommend that to Vern. I got a guy Writing from New Zealand, telling me facts about The Quiet Earth. I got an individual who sent me a Jet Li dvd that he thought I would like. (just came out in the us, but they changed the name to Meltdown. What, High Risk was too asian for you fuckers?) I got another individual who wanted me to see nowhere to hide before it had come out on video. so he arranges for some greek he knows in Cyprus to send it to me. I mean I got guys all over the world, in my opinion.
Thanks fellas. I'm sorry I haven't reciprocated. But you all inspire me, so I'm trying to get the juices flowing again. I didn't want to unload a big pile of shit on the sight here, so I did a few practice runs over on the ain't it cool news. You can search for my reviews of ed gein, scratch and ghost world. I also did the crow salvation and cruel intentions 2 a while back. I'll probaly keep sending them more news about straight to video crap, but hopefully I'll have the REAL shit for my sight.
For example here as an editorial about John Woo.
John Woo, what in fuck's name is wrong with you sir
by Vern
Dear John Woo. I read on the ain't it cool news that harry read in variety that you are going to make a movie about the teenage ninja mutant turtle comic strips.
Harry and his boys are real excited about this one. also the guy who made the comic strip says this will be good. It's not like the cartoon, it's like the comic strips. It's EDGY. They made it back in 1981 or something, and it was EDGY. It wasn't like the cartoons, I bet there was even boobs.
Dear John Woo. Dear Harry. Dear creator of the Teenage Ninja Turtles. I know what you mean about the comic strips is better than the cartoon. I hear it's in black and white and everything. It's real dark and serious. And "edgy" though also.
But seriously though. Isn't it still about ninja turtles.
That is one thing you are forgetting, it is about turtles that do karate.
I know what you are saying. Vern, I read these comics 20 years ago, I know I was 12 then and I collected pewter figures of dungeons and dragons, and I was masturbating to a picture of heather thomas at the time, but if I remember correctly this was a brilliant work of art, so there's no way it could be what you say it is.
I'm sorry to break it to you like this my nerd friend but it is true. Read the comics again you will be surprised but I have done my research and this is a true fact, they are turtles.
in summary, I'm sure you will agree that this should never, ever happen. you don't make movies about talking turtles, john, this is 200 and fucking 1 for crying out loud. I know that made dungeons and dragons into a movie but that doesn't mean it's fucking right. If there's is one thing I know about you sir it is that you believe in honor and an honorable man does not making a fucking turtle karate movie just because the internet lets you get away with it.
thanks john
--vern
Anyway the story is this. I am back. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna be doing this column weekly. I don't know how soon I'll be able to get really rolling again, if ever. But I'm gonna give something back. I owe you motherfuckers for backing me up for all these months and I WILL repay you with my works and Cinematic deeds.
Because you can take the man out of the internet, but you can't take the internet out of the man. God damn it. I tried.
That's weird that you can take the man out of the internet but you can't take the child porn out of the internet. One time I saw a web sight about adults that take pictures of themselves wearing diapers. I mean, I've seen alot of things in my life. I could list all the body parts I've seen bit off in fights. I've seen a man break another man's nose while holding an umbrella in one hand and a double-scoop ice cream cone in the other. I've seen satanic rituals and sex shows and parties straight out of a nightmare but there are some things I never woulda known about if it weren't for the internet.
I mean, do they shit in those things or is it just for looks, that's all I wanna know.
Anyway enough about grown men wearing diapers, or little rugrats pajamas and they roll up on the floor and suck on their thumb, but they got a big shaggy beard and everything. thanks for reading I hope to get back to you soon.
your friend,
Vern
part time columnist, full time Writer