Well the votes are in. We got like 11 or so experts on the films of Badass Cinema rating over 300 quality Badass pictures. We got these points all added up and averaged and what not to determine their true Badass quality levels. The mathematicals are all calculated and tabulated something fierce. And what better way to celebrate the 50th VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS column than with the long awaited list of the 100 Most Badass Movies of All Fucking Time?
Only thing is boys I gotta mold them all into a presentable type format. Only then will they be available to the public, or anyone else not including me. Doesn't matter if this is a round number or not.
Now like I said before, or maybe some of you noticed this independently, but Halloween is coming up. October 30 or 31st or so I believe. And to me, as a Writer on the films of Cinema, I feel this is a good time to start watching the horror pictures. Last year - and yes, I was out of prison and Writing for the computers last year, can you believe it? - I reviewed the Halloween movie series starring Michael Meyers. But you know what, maybe that was a little obvious. A little on the nose. So this year I'm just going for the horrors in general. The wolfmans. The frankensteins. The blood and guts and etc. and most of all, of course, the lesbian vampires.
Seriously people there are a whole fuckin lot of lesbian vampire pictures here. And I'm not 100% positively sure but I THINK it's mostly the straight men that jack off to these things. It is probaly not considered a genuine work of gay Cinema, in my opinion. It is more about men's fear of women's sexuality, a theme in vampire fiction and myth before even Brad Stoker's Dracula came out in hardcover.
Now in most vamp stories, from Stoker's melodramatic maidens to the titty bar vamps of From Dusk Till Dawn, vampire gals are real hot lookin. And maybe... MAYBE... that is why us men like them. On account of the tits and what not. In my opinion. There is also the fear factor - what if she bites me, though? I think she's plannin on it. This appeals to alot of dudes in the same way as a spanking or getting a blowjob on the freeway or getting hot wax poured on their chest by Madonna in that one movie where she kills people by fuckin em. These guys like the danger, the pleasure and the pain. Yeah, try a catheter up your dick, asshole. Real sexy.
Anyway, who better to combine good looking gals with big tits and the horror of the vampire picture than the wonderful Hammer Studios over there in Britain. This is exactly what they did in their Karnstein trilogy, based on the book Carmilla which predates Dracula. I mean, fuck Dracula. This and John Polidori's The Vampyre and Thomas Presket Prest's Varney the Vampyre were all first. Just cause I watched over a dozen Dracula pictures once in a week of introspection and personal discovery doesn't mean the dude is anything special.
The trilogy begins in excellent style with The Vampire Lovers which has recently been re-issued in a beautifully restored, uncut version with extra copulation and decapitation. The kinds of thing audiences want in these more media savvy 2000s. Sorry, VHS only because apparently these MGM motherfuckers haven't heard of the letters DVD.
Anyway this is the story of a female vampire who gets her kicks by riding a carriage into town and feigning a family emergency so that rich folks will look over her young "niece" Carmilla. Carmilla will stay in big mansions as a beloved member of the family, next thing you know she's rolling around in bed with their naive daughter, lickin some nipple and then climbing out the window to bite motherfuckers in the moonlight, etc.
Hammer great Peter Cushing plays a general in the beginning and ending of the picture who encounters the girl but until later doesn't know she's the one doing all this biting. Then he finds out about her staying with 2 different families as 2 different nieces and goes, waaaaaait a minute. He figures out what's what and goes Van Helsing on her ass.
Despite its literary basis this picture has the more original-creation type feel of Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter than the based on a book feel of Draccy and Frankenstein. But then maybe that's because nobody has ever read the book Carmilla I mean do they even make it anymore, who knows. Anyway there is some great vampire mythology that you don't get in the Dracula pictures. My favorite is how a vampire must sleep in the veil in which it was buried. So vampire hunters like to steal them. Hammer didn't follow this concept in the rest of the trilogy but in this one it makes for some eerily beautiful imagery when vampire gals are floating around misty graveyards covered in shimmery white silk. And who doesn't love that sort of eerily beautiful shit?
This movie has the strong classic horror atmosphere you expect from Hammer and throws in the sexiness and gore free of charged. Jsut an extra bonus, not tge reason d'whatever of the piece like in most lesbian vampire Cinema.
Next in the series unfortunately is Lust For a Vampire which was going to be directed by Terence Fisher (Curse of Frankenstein) but he got in a car accident a week before and was replaced. That pretty much explains the movie which is surprisingly shoddy for Hammer and a little softcore porny. The screenplay is by Tudor Gates though who wrote the whole series so I don't know why he decided to make it about a horny Writer who schemes his way into being a teacher at an all girl school so he can hit on little girls. Now I know to us, the audience, they all look like what they are - hot, voluptuous Hammer girls in their mid to late twenties wearing corsets. But in the universe of the movie they are supposed to be underage girls. So you, my friend, are a perv.
The perv of course falls in love with the resurrected Carmilla, now called Mircarla and played by a different, even hotter European gal called Utee something. I forget what else happens and I saw the fucking thing two days ago. The editing is choppy and the lighting isn't as moody as most Hammer movies and it seems cheap because alot of the night scenes are obviously filmed in the day and there's this stupid vampire who's obviously supposed to look like Christopher Lee but he's not Christopher Lee and more importantly he's no Christopher Lee. The one positive thing is for those of us who like boobs, there are alot of them. I guess Hammer had to put them in there as part of an out of court settlement for a class action lawsuit against them for making such a sucky sequel to one of their best pictures.
The trilogy gets back on track though at the last minute because Twins of Evil is probaly the best of the series. The twins are played by real twin Playboy models who are surprisingly passable actors and dissappointingly clothed at least in the cut video version. Weird thing is, they look kind of like grown up Hayley Millses. So you can imagine if the girls from The Parent Trap grew up to be buxom 17th century rich kids flirting with the notorious Count Karnstein, this is what they'd be like.
There are some opportunities missed in the film. In the scene where one twin gets bit and the other, somewhere else, feels the pain, you wonder if there's gonna be some tricky twin business going on here. Will she become a vampire? A half vampire? An anti-vampire, like a holy opposite to her lookalike sister? This isn't really followed up on. But the series is back to the smooth direction and lush production value it started with, and back to the interesting takes on archetypical type material Hammer is known for.
The smartest angle Twins of Evil takes is to set up good guys and bad guys that are both bad. On the vampire side you got a decadent aristocratic Karnstein who likes to kidnap young girls and watch his servants do satanic rituals with them. You know, hoods, chicken blood, naked chicks, etc. The kind of corny sex and demons baloney that was in vogue for about 2 weeks in the 70s.
But on the side of "good" you got a returning Peter Cushing playing a fanatic witch hunter with a stick up his ass 7 times as big as the ass itself. You would think that would be physically impossible, wouldn't you, but you'll know what I mean when you see it. This guy is like the bitterest Jerry Falwell motherfucker you ever saw. The guy that believes anything that has to do with kissing or licking or rubbing or sticking is a sin, and is about to explode just thinking about it. He can't stop thinking about other people fucking and how wrong it is. I should probaly mention that the tiwns are staying with Peter, because their parents died months ago. ANd he about has a coronary when he sees they're not wearing black.
The twins just laugh it off and fortunately they don't have to deal with him too much, cause he's never home, always out with his buddies tracking down single women believed to be sexually active and burning them alive in case they are a witch.
So you side with satanists.
Well I don't know if you know this but Hammer Studios is opening its doors again. They are starting by merchandising the old characters and then they're going to slowly start producing movies again. I don't think anybody knows for sure what type of movies they're going to do. Maybe remakes of the old stuff it sounds like.
Well this is probaly a long shot but I hope they can go back to the type of feel they had in the old days, a niche that really isn't be filled right now. Sure you got your teen slasher movies and your Blair Witch Project and your respectable big budget supernatural thrillers and your computery 2000 remakes of old b-movies and what not but one thing you definitely don't got is the foggy graveyards and girls in corsets and what nots. And if you do they find a way to make it real long and boring and pretentious and what not instead of fun.
Until then, you got Vampire Lovers for some good sexy Halloween fun and hopefully MGM will reissue Twins of Evil if not Lust For a Vampire.
thanks people,
Vern
P.S. This column should do it for the straight guys and lesbians. If anyone knows how I can get the gay dudes and straight gals reading again let me know. Within reason though people I can't put up naked photos of Russell Crow or anything like that gimme a fuckin break. thanks.
Vern again
Well chances are by now you motherfuckers've heard about the new hit comedy Meet the Parents. This movie is sweeping the nation. All the sudden everybody loves to laugh. It is the new big thing. People are telling their friends about it. "This is a picture where you laugh." There is already talk of a sequel even though, I mean how in fuck do you do a sequel to this picture. You can't.
So let me give you my take on it. The Vern take. In case you've been in the can or something and haven't fallen into Parentmania, what this is is the type of picture where Ben Stiller has to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time. In fact he wants to propose to the gal but first he has to ask the father's permission. Only problem is the father is the King of Comedy himself, Robert DeNiro. Robert's character is a crazy ex-CIA maniac obsessed with surveillance. So Ben tries his damndest to make a good impression, but every fucking thing possible goes wrong.
Okay so you've probaly seen the ads and think, yeah okay we know everything that happens. Truth is out of context that stuff may not seem funny but I would argue that in the movie, yes, it is funny. Because this Ben Stiller is a very special individual. He is the world's only Human Humiliation Sponge. He will soak up any indignity known to man. And make it funny.
Really the only other actor I can picture taking on a role even half this humiliating is the dude from Friends, but he wouldn't be able to pull it off. nothing against him, he was good in Apt Pupil and what not but he doesn't have the amazing humilation power that this Stiller kid has.
Now before I get into it let me introduce Vern's Theory of Comedy. I coulda sworn I mentioned this before but I can't find it in any of the old columns, so I'm gonna go for it. FOrgive me if I repeat myself.
This theory explains why many of today's top comics suck the fat cock when it comes to making people laugh, titter, chortle, etc. You see your Jay Leno or your Comedy Central standup, these guys approach it that they are better than everyone else, and the jokes are about how stupid everybody else is. Jay Leno finds a bunch of sorority girls on the street and asks them trivia questions and then goes, ha ha, they got it wrong, what a bunch of fucking dumb whores.
But the Ben Stiller approach, the approach authorized by Vern's theory of the Comedy, is to make yourself look bad in the process of the joke. Maybe you act like you're bragging or being cool but ultimately you don't come off looking cool. And then as a result of this pretending you think you're cool when really you're not cool, women will think your cool, like they do with Ben when he wears sunglasses and a black leather jacket like Shaft.
You see in this movie everything possible happens to this guy. It's not just slapstick, knocking things over and setting things on fire. It's every awkward and uncomfortable situation possible. Losing his clothes and having to wear a teenager's baggy sweatshirt. Trying to say grace for a christian family even though he's jewish, and doing a really bad job. Accidentally giving a blackeye to his girlfriend's sister the day before her wedding. Even walking in on a cat in the bathroom. That kind of stuff.
Usually in this type of movie it starts to bother me that this character is digging himself so deep. Why doesn't he just tell the truth? It can only make things better. But I think in this one everything is pieced together just right to make it plausible. You can relate to him making small lies to cover up embarrassing things about himself. And then you have to squirm when he is caught in the lie and tries to cover it up with one of the most pathetic, poorly thought out lies ever captured on film. a great moment of the comedy.
Now I know I said Ben Stiller is jewish but I'm still gonna say it, this guy is christ like. Because in a way he is sacrificing himself, giving of his body and his dignity as a man. He is taking our humiliation for us, accepting it as his own. We can see our own jackass selves in his behavior. He is getting everything that all of us have ever deserved, all at once.
But he's not Charlie Brown. He doesn't just take the abuse and be nice about it. Ben is a man. The more he is fucked over the more he fumes. He tries to remain calm but you can see in his eyes that he's about to snap. He tries to turn the tables and he even gets cocky about it, and of course he makes things even worse and more embarrassing for himself. And then everybody makes fun of his name. Next thing you know he turns into one of those guys you hear about that just blows up and goes nuts on an airplane.
The rest of the cast is also good. I'm not sure this is the best showcase for Robert DeNiro's talents, but he is the perfect choice for a guy that can be friendly and charming to his daughter and at the same time terrifying to his future son-in-law. There is also a funny guest starring type role for Owen Wilson from the Jackie Chan movie.
I really thought I recognized the girlfriend from some tv show or something and I looked her up on the imdb and it turns out she was on Felicity. Remember last season when Ben was dating an older woman, a caterer who also happened to be married? Yep, that's her. Good thing I didn't know it was her I would've been like, you can't trust that gal, Stiller. Don't marry her.
I mean not that any of you would watch that show, I mean obviously I don't watch it, I just figured... I mean I saw the ads, is how I know the storyline. I wouldn't necessarily have to watch it every week to know that. I mean it says right there in the imdb, it says "Felicity". That's the only way I would know she was on that show. Not to change the subject but yes that is a very good reference sight, you guys should check it out, http://www.imdb.com, stands for internet movie database. What was I talking about, I can't remember I guess I will just end this one then. sorry.
thanks
Vern
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #52 - Divided
INTRODUCTION
Well this week it's nothing but controversy in the world of arthouse type Cinema. Discussion and debate riddles the lobbies of select theaters nationwide. Limited releases bring unlimited disagreement in a platform type pattern across the great land of america.
Audiences are divided over which movie is more divisive, Dancer in the Dark or Bamboozled? Many love Dancer in the Dark, many hate it. Bamboozled has been called both a career destroying debacle and the year's best film. However some feel that Bamboozled is really more provocative than divisive. Maybe Dancer in the Dark is dividing audiences, but is it provoking them? No matter how divisive it is, can it be as outrageous as Bamboozled? As explosive?
Well shit I don't know. Personally I'm divided on both of these. I love 'em and I hate 'em. I think I love Dancer in the Dark a little more than I hate it and hate Bamboozled a little more than I love it. But I mean who knows I am so divided and provoked and outraged at their explosiveness that I don't even know up from down anyway.
DANCER IN THE DARK
There are two main things you need to know about Dancer in the Dark. One, it's a musical. And two, it's really fuckin sad.
The story is about Selma, a lady factory worker in Washington state in the '60s. And she's slowly going blind and can barely even work anymore or find her way home, but she doesn't tell anyone because her son has the same disease and if he finds out about it she thinks he'll worry so much it'll get worse. But she's saving all her money in a cookie tin and she might barely have enough to get him an operation when he turns 13. So she can't buy him a bicycle and she has to stumble along the train tracks to find her way home and she is on the verge of getting fired or killed because she can barely run the machines at work. But don't worry, it gets ALOT sadder from there.
I mean, jesus. That's exactly what I said when I stood up at the end, "Jesus." And you could hear snot blowing in all four corners of the theater.
This is a weird movie though because first of all, it takes place in some weird fantasy world. Yeah I know it's supposed to be my home territory of Washington state, but gimme a fuckin break here pal. Washington is not fairy land. I can't think of a place in Washington with that much snow but even if I could, it wouldn't have an Icelandic elf and elegant Catherine Deneuve living there working at a pan making factory. And Udo Kier most definitely wouldn't be the town doctor. I mean there are about ten different accents in this movie and most of them aren't even american let alone washingtonian. What the hell do these europeans think goes on here anyway?
Other than this it goes for a bit of that realistic look to contrast with the musical numbers. This isn't officially a dogme 95 film but it does have that sort of bad porn movie/home birthday video vibe to it. Grainy handheld cameras, purposely bad sound recording, etc. On the other hand they at least had the sense to get the famous kraut cinematographicist Robby Mueller to direct the photography, so there are some nice colors and it all looks pretty even though it's grainy and muddy and shitty because the motherfuckers couldn't be bothered with developing film. (And they say americans are lazy. Well I don't remember americans inventing dogme 95.)
So yes, it's a musical. Selma loves movie musicals because "there's always someone there to catch you." So quite a ways into the picture the rhythmic sounds of the factory machines turn into a beat and the lady starts singing. And she's good too. There are several musical numbers and I liked them all. There is a certain irony to them because the audience is always aware that they are an unrealistic fantasy, a fanciful escape from a very grim reality. But Bjork who is the icelandic girl who stars in the movie, she has a very bubbly and optimistic personality which permeates through her singing and really gets to you.
Late in the picture there is even a moment some individuals will call magical. Hell I'm even gonna take the plunge. I'm gonna call it "sublime." Because at this point the movie has gotten so sad you can't even take it anymore. You can't even believe the filmatists are putting you through this kind of torture. I don't want to give it away but let's just say Selma is being led to her death, and she knows it, and everybody knows it, and it's long and drawn out and holy jesus. And suddenly it bursts into a musical number. And you are SO fucking relieved to be able to escape into a tune instead of sit there dreading death.
And then you realize that you are feeling exactly the escape that Selma does when she hallucinates musical numbers. And you go, "Whoah, sublime."
That brings up my basic problem with the picture though. I think this motherfucker Lars is sadistic. Not just to his characters, but to his audiences. This isn't a picture about capital punishment or anything like that, and I don't think it should be. But when there's not really a message to it and you're identifying so strongly with a character that gets so royally fucked, you start to wonder - did I really have to go through that? This movie exploits sadness the way Cannibal Ferox or Faces of Death exploit gruesomeness. It's I Cry On Your Grave.
Seriously, I think Lars gets a little too much joy by devastating his audiences. Life really doesn't have to be this fucking bleak for poor Selma but she makes it so. And he makes us watch it. Slowly. And in graphic detail. And hell the motherfucker even makes Catherine Deneuve watch. And he makes us watch Catherine Deneuve watch, even as we ourselves are watching. I mean jesus, leave Catherine Deneuve out of this you sicko dutch pervert. What the hell did she ever do to you asshole.
I mean seriously, this is a director who gets a perverse thrill out of tormenting audiences. And by that I mean, literally the guy gets a boner. Sitting there at the Cannes Film Festival, or wherever it was that this movie won the big prize, and Lars Von Trier - writer, director, dogme founder - Lars Von Trier has a boner.
Seriously. Maybe he goes out back and starts desperately jacking off after a screening. I don't know. I can't prove this but there are stories man, believe me. Well no, I mean I guess I haven't heard any stories really. Not in so many words. But I got a feeling about this guy. Pretty good picture though otherwise.
Bamboozled is a satire about black stereotypes in the media, and the part both blacks and whites take in promoting them (sorry, no mention of asians, indians and etc). The story is about a black television writer who puts together a blackface minstrel show as a "cutting edge" new pilot. He expects it to fail, but like "Springtime For Hitler" in the old Producers movie Mel Brooks did, it becomes a big hit. So, for reasons unclear in the narrative at least as far as a motherfucker like me can tell, this writer gets really into it and puts together a huge collection of racist antiques.
I mean, this sounds like a good idea for a movie. It IS a good idea. A nice satirical exaggeration to call attention to things we try to ignore. But I don't think Mr. Lee really knew where he was going with this idea.
My problem with the movie mainly lies in the protagonist, Pierre Delacroix, played by Damon Wayans. I really don't know what the character wants. At first he creates the show as a way to get fired. But he calls it "satire". He is shocked when it goes on the air despite being so offensive, but also seems shocked that people are offended by it. He seems to love the show, but get mad when other people love it. What is he trying to do? Does he really believe he is accomplishing something? If so, what? I have no idea.
Maybe this is supposed to represent the confused state of a black writer in Hollywood, trying to be pro-black and at the same time dishing out stereotypes on UPN sitcoms or whatever. But I like my satire sharply written. I think this could be expressed more clearly.
Or maybe it is clear. Admittedly I was distracted by Mr. Wayans's ludicrous cartoon accent. If it sounded like a white man or something I guess it would make sense. I don't know what it sounds like though. He rolls his Rs and makes his th's into z's. He's even got a little Yoda in there. I guess it's a pretty good idea for method acting: use an accent so obnoxious that there's no way anyone would let you use it in a movie - then they let you! And not only that, but they say they like it!
But I didn't like it.
The movie feels slapped together late at night without time to check for mistakes. In one scene, the tap dancer Savion Glover finds workmen painting his co-star's name on his dressing room and he says, "You don't waste any time, do you?" In the next scene, he pisses off the network and they decide to have his co-star replace him.
It also seems like they accidentally left in extra montages of racist archival footage. They got a couple in the beginning and a couple in the middle and they got one at the end and just when you think you've escaped, the end credits are all over footage of little sambos and what not. If that's not enough the movie is paired with a short film by Robert Redford called The Legend of Bagger Vance: Coming This Winter which is all about how Matt Damon is a troubled golfer who has to quit the booze and find himself and turn his life around so that he can save his relationship with a beautiful blond woman. But he wouldn't be able to do it without the help of a magic black dude (Will Smith) who shuffles out doing an imitation of Morgan Freeman in his demeaning roles and says "yes suh, yes suh" while he dedicates his life to improving Matt's golf. This film is really more outrageous than Bamboozled in a way because it has a "Give me an Oscar" orchestral score and melodramatic editing like you're supposed to feel uplifted. And at the end you feel like you're supposed to go, "I liked that nice negro boy in that movie, who was that? Was that Bill Cosby?"
So after that and Bamboozled, walking out of the theater I kept expecting every tv screen I passed to be showing clips of Amos n' Andy. I really had seen enough dehumanizing stereotypes before the end of the movie, and then Jada Pinkett Smith hands Delacroix a video tape. And what's on it? Another fucking montage. And she says, "Look at this! This is what you are doing!" And he's supposed to be shocked into realizing the error of his ways but I'm not sure why because the tape is basically the same as the show he made, and the montages he studied to make the show. So what's new here, lady?
Now as a poet myself I think I know a fucking metaphor when I see one, and in my opinion the minstrel show is supposed to be a metaphor. It represents anything that may portray black folks in a negative or buffoonish or stereotypical type light, from the sitcoms to the music videos to the movies.
But by using a metaphor, and so much overkill on the montage, I think Mr. Lee is blurring his satirical target. He is making people more upset about the old images in the montages, and letting the contemporary ones off the hook. I think in a sense this makes him a big sissy - he doesn't want to call out people like Eddie Murphy or Martin Lawrence who are going to be able to respond. So he calls out Bojangles and Aunt Jemima.
So in this case I don't think the metaphor is working out. I know this movie is supposed to be so provocative, that's the big thing about it, but if you look back at an older picture called Hollywood Shuffle it makes the same points and almost seems more up to date. Robert Townsend sells out by being in a sitcom called Bat in the Belfry that's exactly like half the shows on UPN and WB today except now it would be called The Robert Townsend Show.
Still I gotta tell you folks I was enjoying this picture for a while. I like what it is trying to say, and even when Spike Lee slaps these things together he manages to get some good stuff in there. Jada Pinkett and Tommy Davidson are much less annoying than ever. Savion Glover gives a good acting performance and of course the motherfucker can dance too - and it makes you start questioning yourself when you enjoy him. Is it bad that I enjoy seeing a black dude tapdance?
I think the best character in the movie is Jada Pinkett's rapper brother Big Black Africa, played by the real life rapper Most Def. His sister looks down on his pro-black rapping music, and he tells her she would probaly like it if it was about diamonds and cars. He steals the movie in his few scenes because he's funny. But even if the audience is laughing at him I think he's right.
DIGITAL VIDEO
One postscript. I HATE THE FUCKING DIGITAL VIDEO. Both of these pictures were shot on digital cameras, the gimmick is they are light weight and affordable and have a look to match. And believe me, you never seen such a pair of grainy, muddy, ugly looking professionally made movies.
At the beginning of Bamboozled I'm thinking, "I paid 8 bucks to watch a bootleg video?" I halfway expected somebody to get up for popcorn on the bottom of the screen.
Okay, so I'm all for the democratization of the Cinema and what not, but Spike Lee is not an individual that can't afford a real camera. In fact he used to be known for his mastery of the photographical type techniques. As recently as last year he was making beautiful cinematographical works. Now he has two movies this year and both look like they were taped off of illegal cable.
He says he likes the digital video because he can shoot one scene from many different angles and decide later which one to use. Well no fucking wonder you're making confused, unfocused pictures like Bamboozled. In the old days you already KNEW what angle you wanted. Now you gotta sit around and DECIDE. If you don't even know what angle you want of course you don't know the motivations of your characters or the point of view of your movie or what order the scenes go in.
I mean admittedly this inferior and reprehensible medium of digital video doesn't ruin these movies. It is still possible to enjoy them, and I think Mr. Von Trier went a long way toward making it look better than it would've if some other dipshit had directed it.
But still, I mean let's see some genuine film on some of these pictures, boys. If Spike's next movie isn't on film, I ain't going. I mean yes, it is possible to write a novel on a napkin. And it's really great that a lot of these motherfuckers who can't afford typing paper, they can write something on a napkin.
But still, I'm not reading your fucking napkin until you get it typed, you schmuck. Show some god damned respect.
thanks,
Vern
(100% analog)
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IS #53 - Burn the witch
Well here it is Halloween already and fuck if I've got into the spirit of the thing. I tried buying a compact disc of John Carpenter's score to the movie Halloween and I put it on driving around in the pouring rain. And I try to picture that white masked bastard jumping out of nowhere onto my car right when the keyboards do their little electric BYYYOOOOOOO sound and okay, I'm halfway there. But other than that, I mean I got no pumpkins, I got no costume, I got shit.
So what do you do. You follow the halloween traditions our nation and culture have set forth for us. You go to the theater to see the one half assed horror movie that they decided to release right before Halloween. In this case, Book of Shadows: Revenge of the Blair Witch Project Part 2, Return to the Dark Woods of the Burkitsville Horror. (can't remember the exact title actually so I made that one up, hope the boys at artisan like it.)
Now I gotta admit, I am one who enjoys a bad horror sequel. I got the entire Freddy, Chucky, Michael, Leather and Jason series under my belt and not for nothing. I don't know what the fascination is. I guess I'm hoping this one'll be better than the last. Or whatever. But with Revenge of the Dark Witch, I couldn't help but feel left out.
You see, I must've just missed the hoopla. I remember alot of obsessive type individuals attacking this movie on newsgroups but I don't believe I actually ever went and saw it. I got out in August so I'm guessing it must've come out in June or July. Anyway for any of you who may have also missed it, apparently this is some kind of evil-in-the-woods documentary shot in the dogme 95 style. It was very controversial because alot of people didn't think it was a real movie, and everyone else thought it was scary or at least made them throw up.
So now that the sequel is out, every critic in the world is itching to tear it a new asshole, and for all different agendas. First you got the people who loved the first one, or respect it as an underdog story, the low budget movie that made ten catillion dollars. These people have no choice but to hate the sequel because it represents everything they are against. It cost more money, it's expected to make alot of money, and they don't want capitalizing on old ideas and characters, they want new. Also this is a more traditional movie shot on REAL FILM, FOR REAL MEN, NOT FUCKING DIGITAL VIDEO YOU FUCKERS and with scripted dialogue and a score and special effects and everything normal that was avoided in the first one due to the strict code of dogme 95.
Then you got the critics who fucking HATED the first one, or at least they did after they found out it was really popular. These guys also have to hate the sequel, because it represents even more of the first movie that they already have gone on record as hating. There will probably be a couple of these types who claim to like the sequel even though they don't, just to spite everyone, or more likely will admit it is bad but make outrageous claims about it being WAY, WAY better than the first one regardless.
Well I'm not in either group, I haven't even SEEN the fucking thing so what the hell am I supposed to do. Just stay out of this?
No, I'm going to be the moderator. The referee. The cautioned observer. And let me tell you, they're all wrong. The movie's not nearly as bad as they're saying. It's also not good so don't let anybody feed you that one either.
What it is is a group of characters go to the woods where the first movie was filmed (actually, some different woods, standing in for the original woods). The town is overrun by tourists because of the movie. They say the legend of a killer witch (or something?) is not true. Then the main characters can't remember what happened to them at night. They go back to an abandoned factory that one of them lives in, and all kinds of WEIRD shit starts happening.
That is the plot. It doesn't really follow traditional horror sequel structure, although the characters do seem like they could be in a Freddy sequel. They are all unknown actors but not particularly amateurish, just not really great. I guess this was done to be in the spirit of the first one but again, this is what they did in the Freddy pictures.
What is daring about this movie, and also what doesn't work, is that there is no explanation for anything. There is no internal logic or implied solution. There is just a bunch of weird shit and impossible shit that happens. How could this video show me doing that, when I know I never did that? It is left up to your imagination to decide. Did they really do that? Or is the video just cursed? What is real and what is hallucination? What is that slimy stuff they poured into the one dude's nose at the mental hospital? Is there some kind of conspiracy here?
These deliberatley unanswered, answerless questions go against the nature of traditional filmmaking. I think the idea is hey, Blair Witch Part A was popular because it broke all the rules in a fake documentary format. Now let's continue to break all the rules, but make it look like it's supposed to be a Freddy sequel. And I appreciate the spirit of it, of trying to make a horror sequel script where instead of linking a bunch of murders together, it links a bunch of weird shit together.
But in the end there doesn't really seem to be much of a mystery to mull over. Just a bunch of weird shit. So at the end all you can really think is, "Huh."
* * *
Bonus paragraphs, added later
Upon further ruminational type thinking, I started to decipher some of the motifs, themes and what nots of this picture and realized that there was actually alot more going on than I gave it credit for. In one scene a character is interviewing the others on a camcorder and says, "Video never lies. Film does," and of course the movie immediately switches to film.
I thought that was just a joke at the time but now that I think about it, I think it is supposed to mean that the video footage in this movie is "real" and everything else is the subjective experiences of the characters. There is alot of work to set up different kinds of influences. There is alot of beer and pot and alot of talk about group hysteria and debates about subjective reality and if someone really believes something then isn't it true and all that other academic horse shit. The movie also opens claiming that it is a "re enactment" based on hours of interviews.
So this is an interesting and challenging idea, a horror sequel that forces us to question the reality of our own perceptions. Maybe if I went back and watched it with this in mind it might be a little more interesting. I might start thinking HOLY SHIT HOW DO I EVEN KNOW I'M SITTING IN THIS THEATER? OH MY GOD IT'S BLOWING MY MIND.
The trouble is there are too many phoney hollywood touches to really take it serious on this level when it comes to the video footage. Unless you believe that it is only their pot and alcohol and mental hospital and traumatically fueled delusions that cause them to think they can "redigitize the footage" and blow it up to reveal the face of the naked lady that appears ghostlike spinning backwards in the footage.
* * *
There is some clever nod type stuff in here. I guess horror now is about clever nods so that's what you get. There are jokes about the popularity of the first movie. And the end credits roll over a spinning helicopter shot so if you thought handheld cameras made you dizzy enough to puke, you will be running for the exits. There are also references to Paradise Lost, the documentary Joe Berlinger made about three kids convicted of child murders mainly because they listened to heavy metal, wore black and one was interested in Wicca. Blair Witch Forever has the opening helicopter shots of the woods with heavy metal music like the opening credits of Paradise Lost. And they have a character that represents that Wicca actually isn't evil and they even got a part where a goth gal says, "Where I come from they think wearing black makes you some kind of sick killer."
Which reminds me there is one major thing going for this movie though that I think will cause it to in a small way live on in the pop culture unconsciousness or whatever. And that is, all men love a cute goth chick. I think you know what I'm talking about, if not a goth chick is one of those chicks that wears all black and has pale skin and dark hair and acts all spooky.
Okay so maybe not all men, and maybe not most men my age even. But if you watched a certain amount of Vampira when you were growing up then you know what I'm talking about. Hubba hubba, right? For some reason, we are suckers.
I mean the girl in this movie, she's not traditionally hot and I'm not sure I'd even want to hang around with her. I mean god only knows what kind of horrible music she might listen to. But you see her laying there on a coffin smoking a cigarette and, what can you do man. You're helpless.
Admit it you assholes it's true.
Anyway, point is, the merciless critical attack on this picture is not really fair. But I'm not really gonna recommend the movie. How does it stack up against other part 2s? It is not as good as Halloween 2, Hellraiser 2, Texas Chainsaw 2. It is not as ill-advised as Psycho 2 but is ultimately less effective. It's better than The Birds 2. It is arguably not as good as Freddy 2 or Jason 2. It is probably better than Chucky 2 although again, one could squabble. I'll bet it's a hell of alot better than Wishmaster 2 judging from Wishmaster 1 anyway. It's not as good as From Dusk Till Dawn 2. It's probably better than Lust For a Vampire although part 1 and part 3 of that series are lightyears ahead. It's definitely no Bride of Frankenstein.
Come to think of it there are alot of pretty good part 2s. So let me just compare it to part 3s, to be nice. It's better than Hellraiser 3, Chucky 3, Dusk Till Dawn 3, Scream 3. It's as good as or better than Chainsaw 3 and Halloween 3. Maybe they should've just called it Blair Witch 3 and people would be nicer.
Anyway friends have a good halloween and take it from me if some fuckers start smashing your pumpkins don't exacty your revenge it's not worth it
--Vern
celebrating one full year without getting arrested
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #54 - Bitch session
This week friends ol' Vern has a few things he has to get off his chest. A little bitchin and moanin is what I gotta do. So let me run through a few of these points about how, you know, everything is all a bunch of horse shit, etc.
1. HALLOWEEN
First off, last Tuesday was Halloween. And I want to know why you motherfuckers decided it was cancelled. I'm driving along at 7:45 pm, it's been dark for more than hour and I don't see a jack o'lantern, I don't see a trick or treater. I don't even see those little fuckers smashing my pumpkins. All I see is churches and schools with signs that say "Harvest Festival. Games and Food. October 31st."
Now look, I believe in the lord jesus christ as much as the next guy, but one thing is for fucking sure about jesus. He doesn't go around promoting bullshit and shenanigans. And you wanna know why? Because the lord jesus christ is not a retard. And he doesn't want his followers to be retards, or to be treated like retards. In my opinion. Now I don't believe the word retard ever comes up in the Bible but then it was written in hebrew so who knows. I mean I didn't translate it, I don't know what it originally said. There was probaly something in there about it. If not, just take my word for it christians.
The idea behind this harvest festival sign is, we're supposed to drive by around October 12th, October 18th, something like that, and we're supposed to think, "Oh, great! Food and games! I'm there! Now let me see, did I have something else planned for the randomly selected day of OCTOBER 31ST? It seems like there was something... no, can't think of what it would be. I'm sure it's nothing. I'm going to the Harvest Festival!"
Now, I understand there are people out there who don't like to be scared. They don't like monsters and horror movies. They don't like fun, children, love, the human soul, laughter, etc. That's okay. YOu motherfuckers can go celebrate corn. I don't give a fuck.
But DON'T STEAL HALLOWEEN FROM THE REST OF US. I have it on good authority from a 4 year old in a skeleton costume that there were two different houses ON HIS STREET ALONE where they answered the door BUT DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CANDY. In a middle class neighborhood with accessible grocery stores.
We all know that for years now people haven't been going for tricks. Now, these fucks are trying to take away the treats. They think it is okay to just take a few elements out of Halloween. Oh, don't worry, just the scary costumes, the traditional giving of the confections, the decorations, the American culture, the human spirit, etc.
Well guess what, I got news for your retards. You think halloween is a pagan holiday, so you're going to replace it with your own? Well I don't know much about pagans but I can't imagine what could be more pagany than a god damn HARVEST FESTIVAL. Throw in some goat blood and you got yourself a ritual.
I mean jesus people, are you even serious? Let's try this again.
Which is more pagan:
a) wearing a plastic mask to get candy and/or ward off evil
b) a ritual to promote the growth of crops
Nothing against crops and pagans but you jesusites need to get your fucking theology straight. If you sissies weren't so god damned afraid of horror movies you would've seen The Wicker Man and you would've avoided this whole embarrassing situation.
I'll see you next year and you better be wearing fucking horns if you know what's good for you.
2. THE FUCKING POLITICS
I'm sure this one doesn't need that much explanation. Sorry. But by the time you read this maybe we have a new president. And even if it's the worst possible choice - i.e. a republican or democrat - you people are living in a better world. A world free of the fucking political ads.
Right now watching the news is liable to drive a man nuts. They got these newscasters talking about politicians, then they go to a commercial break and all they got is all the politicians talking about each other. And maybe one or two shots of George W. Bush in a school uncomfortably putting his arm around a little black girl. Then back to the news, where the newscasters talk about the politicians, and new trends in political advertising.
And you're thinking jesus, show me ONE PERSON not wearing a fucking TIE! At this point you'd be thankful to see the pepsi girl. You'd be like, "FINALLY, a real human being!" I can relate to that speed freak weasel thing on the Honey Comb ads more than I can relate to these politicians. I want to hear what HE has to say about health care.
And what about these recorded phone calls? Today I got one from a recording of Tipper Gore. I hung up on the bitch. If a recording of Tipper Gore has something to play to me, she can at least play it to my face.
And I'm sick of all these fucking attitudes. I don't know a single person who likes George Bush or Al Gore. I only know one or two people who actually agree with a republican or democrat platform, and to be honest these aren't the ripest bananas on the tree if you know what I mean.
I do know people who agree with alot of what Nader has to say, but these people are saying don't vote for Nader. A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush and a vote for Bush is the only thing worse than a vote for Gore because although Gore is really, really bad Bush is even worse in some ways p.s. abortion.
Now I know that I've been out of the picture for a while and come to think of it I'm not registered to vote and am I even allowed to? I'm not sure. But it seems to me that it's time we admit we're not living in a democracy if we're telling each other NOT to vote for what we want because realistically, what we want will never, ever happen.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and I know there are alot of people out there who are fed up and they feel like if they vote it is selling out and supporting something that goes against everything they believe in. It's giving in to the strong arming by the corporate funded republican and democrat parties. It's saying "Yes, I'm willing to settle for this."
These people can't feel good about themselves voting for these politicians. So they don't vote. And then they watch tv and they see these assholes on tv complaining about them not voting, saying that they're apathetic. There couldn't possibly be a reason behind them not voting besides being lazy. "If they really want to make a difference, they should stand up and vote for one of the two choices we are offering them."
Well up your ass with a shard of glass.
Okay, this isn't really a complaint. This was a good movie. All I'm saying is, this thing bummed me out.
I remember after Dancer in the Dark got over all I could say was, "Jesus." This one was worse. At least Dancer had singing.
There is a really moving musical score on this movie, with all kinds of violins and what not. And early in the movie, while you're still being introduced to the characters, the music starts getting you nervous. The music starts telling you, "These people are fucked." And you're thinking, "You're kidding. Tell me you're kidding, music. This is too early for them to be fucked. At least give them until the third act. We need hope." But the music doesn't lie. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I have talked to young cinemafiles from across the nation of america, and I have learned that there are many young men out there who get a hard on for this gal Jennifer Connelly. She was in the labyrinth movie with David Bowie and some puppets, apparently. Not sure what that whole fetish is about but then it is not my place to say. I am merely an observer in all this. And what I have observed, is something going up Jennifer Connelly's ass in this movie. I won't go into details but believe me people, this is not going to help you with your crush. This was a brave scene for her to do, a disturbing and humiliating one and I almost think the poor gal was being exploited because this is not something she can ever take back. I don't care if it's even a body double. If they ever make a Labyrinth 2, you're going to keep remembering what happened to the poor girl in this movie. And you're going to imagine you see a sadness in the puppet's eyes. And you won't be able to shake it.
They know. The puppets know.
I mean, this is a sad fucking movie. Many of you will probaly never masturbate again.
And even if you don't give a rat's nuts about Jennifer Connelly, there is plenty to trouble you. Nightmarish hallucinations. The surround sound is used so effectively that at one point I thought something was breaking through the left side of the Neptune theater here in Seattle Washington.
This movie has lonely, pathetic lives. Doomed relationships. Haunting memories. Horrible bodily infections. And even worse is what they do with Keith David. An individual like me, I happen to like Keith David. The man who wrestled Roddy Piper for what, half an hour, over not wanting to wear sunglasses in the classic political essay They Live. Well usually I don't know that my man Keith is going to pop up in a small part in a movie like this one. And usually I'd be happy about it.
But not this time. Not this character. I mean jesus, Keith. They should've used CGI for this character. What actor wants to be remembered for THAT role?
I guess I should probaly mention the basics in case you don't know. This is a movie about addiction, apparently based on a book by a dude named Hubert Selby Jr. Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly and Marlon Wayans are junkies. Ellen Burstyn (who has aged quite a bit since The Exorcist last month) is Jared's mom. She's addicted to TV. Which isn't really as sad as how lonely she is. Then she thinks she's going to go on a game show, and starts worrying about her weight, and starts using diet pills.
But this movie doesn't give rewards for good intentions. She gets just as fucked as everyone else. Figuratively anyway.
I gotta admit this movie is a little overblown. It got the NC-17 so they released it unrated (serious Outlaw points for that one guys) but otherwise they'd be showing this to kids in school. "You wanna use the drugs kids? No problem. Here's what happens!" In this movie, using drugs is like going to 'Nam. And dieting is like facing the Evil Dead.
And like Evil Dead this is very much in the show off school of filmatism. This is a movie with many quick cuts and extreme closeups and text inserts and tricky sound effects and fancy uses of split screen.
But I like that. There are a lot of individuals out there who will fault a director for having style. Like Brian De Palma. What did that motherfucker ever do that was such a crime, besides being stylish?
Look buddy, I LIKE a good splitscreen. If you think being GOOD is pretentious, you need to get out of my face mister. "I don't like how these young directors are always using all this cinematic language in captivating ways. What garbage!"
Now I know that this is also a double edged sword, and that a pen is mightier than a double edged sword or whatever. I forget exactly what the saying is but this is my point. A director like Darren Aranofsky here, he gets it from both angles. There are going to be the young guys declaring him a visionary, giving him too much credit. And the more they do that the more the older people and the bitterer younger people will be saying "the emperor has no clothes, all style and no substance, I haven't watched MTV since they started playing blacks on there in the '80s but I'm sure this is what it's like now, all this style and what not."
And they're both kinda wrong. This isn't the deepest movie on addiction, it doesn't have the most solid characters. But it's nice to look at and kicks you real hard in the balls so if you like that sort of thing, like I do, go for it gang.
Don't blame me if you commit suicide afterwards though. It's the movie's fault not mine.
Seriously, if you ARE feeling suicidal afterwards, I'm here for you bud. I'm here to talk. And I think I can help. You wanna be cheered up? You wanna get all this other bullshit off your mind? Have I got the prescription for you. A little picture I like to call C's As. Short for Charlie's Angels.
Now I know that certain individuals from the television medium, individuals like Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times and Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun Times classified ads section, have given this movie "negative" reviews. Claiming it's "bad". Claiming it's the "worst" movie ever based on a tv show.
Gimme a fuckin break. (not a reference to the tv show Gimme a Break)
Richard Roeper said, "Is this a satire? Is it camp? Is it an action thriller? What is it?" Well obviously it's camp you retard but who cares what it is. You're over intellectualizing a movie about three hot chicks flying around kicking people. I'm pretty sure that either means you're gay or you're not gay. But either way you're nuts.
Look, you don't listen to an individual like Richard Roeper when it comes to movies and let me tell you why. On the show, he referred to this movie at least three times as an attempt at "a jiggle movie". This is a man who honestly believes that there is a genre called "the jiggle movie." And he talks about it with a frown on his face.
Is his column supposed to be funny, is it supposed to be serious, I don't get it.
Let me put it this way. There is a scene in this movie where Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore (yes, the little girl from E.T.) and Lucy Liu (from Payback) are flying around in an alley doing kicks and weird karate waves and doing flips and climbing up fences and what not. Their opponent is Crispin Glover, the cult type actor who I'm pretty sure has not done a major mainstream movie since 1985's Back to the Future, one of those cut rate '80s american institutions that made more sense at the time like Romancing the Stone and Beverly Hills Cop. Here he has no lines, he's playing a character called "Skinny Scary Man" and all he does is kung fu and hair fetishism. And whenever he comes on you hear that aggressive computery dance song that just keeps going "Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up. Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up. Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up." The type of song that you can only imagine as a popular dance hit in some horrible dystopian future OR as the theme song for this character.
I'm not being sarcastic here people. I'm not being ironic NOR am I being post ironic. All I'm saying is that this is pure fucking Cinema, people. This is a movie that combines the beauty of Woman with the beauty of flying around kicking, forming a perfect symmetry powerful enough to knock any gay or straight man on his ass. At the same time it is a fun, silly action comedy for the ladies. These characters are kind of like Barbie, they are astronauts and super geniuses and karate experts without losing their femininity. When you do that with a male character like Derek Flint or James Bond, they call it "fun." Do it with a woman and they say it's feminism. Well whatever it is I'm all for it. Hell I'd wear a ribbon if there was one that meant C's A's. That's how strongly I feel about the cause of C's A's.
This is not a perfect movie. The middle section is not as good as the front and back. There are jokes that don't work. Bill Murray doesn't get to do as much as he does in certain other pictures. It kind of reminds me of a better version of Mission:Impossible 2. Like that movie, it is at its worst when it tries to make sense and at its best when it abandons all logic and traditional cinematic purpose in favor of giddy ludicrousness.
Look, this picture is not for everyone. There are some people out there, I'm sure, who don't like to see Cameron Diaz dancing around in spiderman underwear. The feminine form is an acquired taste, after all. Not everybody likes this type of picture. Not everybody likes to laugh and have a good time, for example.
But I loved C's A's. Hell I'm gonna say it, this movie is, erm, this movie is cute. Hahem. When I went into the can the feminist archetypes hollywood had to offer were all trying to copy men. I like the new kind of hollywood feminism. I like the idea that women can "smack their bitch up" and still have a nice smile. It's cute the way these girls are so happy to say hi to their anonymous boss over the phone. Or the way they go undercover or drive a race car if they have to. Or dance around in their underwear.
Yes, there is alot of dancing in this picture, and that is why it is the perfect pick me up after Requiem For a Dream. Jennifer Connelly is not in this movie. There are no women violated in this movie. But there are several dance numbers. There is a disco number followed immediately by an underoo dance. Later there is a dance on Soul Train, and a short victory dance by Drew Barrymore. At the end they play instruments like it was Josey and the Pussycats. That's the type of picture we're talking about here boys.
Yes, I would officially like to endorse C's A's. If this is a new low in american culture then let's start the decline people.
thanks,
Vern
P.S. anybody else uses "sorry Charlie" in a review or headline I'm gonna break their fuckin nose
VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #55 - Coin Toss 2000
Okay, so I was wrong about there being a new president chosen by the time you read LAST week's column. I was wrong about all this politics shit being over with. So sue me. I didn't know this was how it went down these days all right.
But I can't help but get a kick out of all this. As a Writer and Poet I am a believer in metaphors. Somebody told me that there was no better metaphor for the political process today than the state of Minnesota choosing a professional wrestler as their governor. They trust ANYBODY more than a politician, even somebody whose job is pretend fighting. Some other great candidates would be an inflatable sex doll, a crash test dummy, a scarecrow, a stunt double, a celebrity lookalike. I wonder if Bruce Li is an american citizen?
Well this election shows that disillusion on a national level. I'm sure a few jackasses will interpret this to mean that America is more divided than ever. But I think it shows that we are all united in our lack of passion for either of these corporate financed motherfuckers.
Election night was alot of fun too because every single expert and prediction turned out to be wrong. They went in with their noses up and came out broken and humiliated. They kept saying things and then having to take them back. Eventually there was no more pretending that anybody knew what the fuck was going on and it turned into a big party. In the middle of a report on "President Elect George W. Bush," the guy from NPR said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but..." Dan Rather started making weird quips about omelettes. Some expert guy held up a sign to Tom Brokaw and yelled "Florida Florida Florida!" and the whole crew started laughing off camera. Everybody was confused and tired and they started acting like a bunch of drunks.
The party has toned down as it's turned into a bunch of court cases and announcements and pretending to have planning meetings. But it's still fun knowing that these fuckers are running around with their heads chopped off knowing that in a best case scenario, they're gonna get the head sewed back on but they're still gonna look wrong.
Unfortunately all this fun has to end eventually. No doubt some president or other will be chosen one of these days and the symbolism's gonna go right down the fucking toilet. Now I am by NO means a supporter of that democrat in the turtleneck, however I am even more disgusted by the notion of the drunk from texas winning the belt.
Now even you republicans, think about this from the Poet's point of view for a second. How it looks to us members of the metaphorical party. What are the chances that the guy who is the right candidate for president JUST HAPPENS TO BE the son of some other jackass that was president before.
It seems to me the chances are slim. But regardless, we're talking about the symbols here, people. I never liked the clinton dude that is president right now I believe but if you buy into the idea of clinton, it's not a bad story. Some hillbilly from a broken family works hard, ties together his bootstraps or whatever, and goes all the way to getting blowjobs in the white house, etc.
The story of this george fellow is a little less inspirational. It's the story of some rich asshole getting high paying jobs for all his retarded sons. "Just taking over the family business I guess. Remember when dad invaded panama, ha ha that was hilarious. Not to be too introspective but maybe I get some of it from my father, you know how I like to execute all those black dudes. Ha ha. Good times boys, good times. "
(paraphrase)
A guy like this, if you ask me, he deserves to be called president for one hour and then thrown out on his ass. But his dad was the head of the CIA. He knows there are other options.
I don't know which one of these idiots actually won. Sounds like it was probaly the democrat, otherwise why would the republicans be asking in all seriousness to stop the vote before all of them have been counted?
But right now they're having a media war and a court battle to take over the country. They're both attempting a bureacratic coup. And that's not fucking democracy! I sure hope americans don't just bend over and take it. Which is my way of using anal rape as a metaphor for standing up for what you believe in. or is standing up also a metaphor hell I don't know I'm only a beginning poet. But anyway.
Whichever jackass wins of course is gonna pretend like the american people chose him. Knowing very well that we chose him just as much as a homeless guy chose to eat some stale pizza crusts he found in the garbage.
And I gotta say that those few of us in this small community of americans who like to watch movies, listen to music or enjoy entertainment, are in trouble this time. Ever since that caper in Colorado these politicians have been going ape shit. Knowing that blaming the matrix = making dumb people smile. which is what they're all about.
The democrat is not going to do us right. His wife if I remember right is tipper gore. Some of you may be too young to know about this gal but back in the '80s her daughter found out about masturbation from a Prince album. And this was the beginning of a crusade. Tipper started the Parent's Music Resource Center which was a gang of politician's wives who go around complaining about Prince. They staged some embarrassing senate hearings and came very close to instituting a ratings system for music just like they have up the ass of movies right now. They caused the "explicit lyrics" stickers claiming they are voluntary but forcing malls to evict any stores that didn't use them.
Meanwhile you got the democratic vice president dude who is basically the tipper gore of movies. Every year he is proud to present the Cultural Garbage awards, which is basically the same as the Outlaw Awards except he's saying the movies are bad instead of good. He is one of these people who goes to movies to right down the parts he was offended by and send them out to his friends.
There has been alot of talk from the democrats saying "look parents, don't worry. We are going to stop your kids from playing video games. We are going to make sure that no movies with action or romance ever make it to the big screen legally. Hollywood is fucked, we promise. We love you."
But then the republicans say "no, don't listen to those shitwads. They don't really believe in censorship the way we do. They're just saying it. We're not even saying it. We're just knowing it. We're going to do it and not even to impress you. Hell we're gonna get a huge boner from doing it. It's gonna be awesome. give me five."
(source: CNN)
Obviously there are bigger problems to worry about than having all of our fun ruined. God only knows what country the democrat is gonna want to invade. And there are plenty of black dudes outside of texas that probaly don't want to deal with the republican and his executing and what not. I mean these are real problems. But still. this is a column about movies so I felt it should be mentioned. that is all.
I know you're all sick of the politics and I'm sorry to give you more of it in my column here but I got a plan here. The idea is that by the time a president is elected, everybody will be so sick of hearing about it that they won't even pay attention to who won. And then after everyone ignores him for a while he'll go home and leave everybody alone.
I mean it's worth a try anyway.
thanks citizens,
Vern