Old VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS columns

VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS #1: My first column

In this new column what it is is I answer your questions and tell you my opinion on various shit.That's why it's called "VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS" because frankly that is EXACTLY what I will be doing. And if you don't like it than fuck you jack.

For my first column, October 11 1999 I will be answering a question which was asked to me by my bud musemalade from rec.arts.movies.current-films. this is a dude who knows a lot of shit about movies and i find a guy like me humble and learning from this man just about every fucking day. so do NOT be disrespecting this guy in front of me in my opinion it would NOT be a picnic.

Hey guy there's one question I'm curious about and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to, since I know you're trying to practice your writing and become better and all. I have to ask anyway: why are you calling yourself an "outlaw" if you're trying to sober up and go clean? I think it's a bit of a contradiction myself, but don't take offense since I mean no offense by it. I'm just trying to help.

--Musemalade, rec.arts.movies.current-films

Well bud that's a very good question to be frankly honest and i'm going to answer it in today's column. i can understand why you might consider it a contradiction or whatever but i do NOT agree in my opinion and this is why.

as an armed robber and criminal i was an "outlaw" in the classic sense of the old west, motherfuckers like billy the kid, bonnie and clyde, eddie the splayer, etc. That is NOT what i am about anymore although i do like a good cowboy movie now and then.

Now that I'm smarter and especially older, I am a different type of outlaw in my opinion, which is a man against the system and the status quo. Like i said a poet is really a man against the system of rules that is the english language and sentences.

Outlaw is also a tribute to the famouse Outlaw biker gang of the olden days and i still believe in the spirit of the Outlaws. in fact there are many clean and sober bikers if you don't believe me check out Vern's links.

And even if i didn't believe in Outlaw anymore i still have a rep to hold up (no pun intended, lol) and i am known on the internet as outlaw_69. just a side note I tried to use outlaw_69 as my yahoo name but a dude already took it, so i had to do outlawvern instead. sorry guys.

Really what all this controversy reminds me of is a few Christmases ago when i was inside. this was WAY before i was clean and sober and i would smoke, eat or shoot anything i could get my hands on. At the time believe it or not some of the screws were under investigation so for almost a month there was virtually no blow or anything going around. This was a vicious drought and everybody was hungry big time. Things were REAL fucking tense in the yard, people getting in fights, arguing. two dudes getting shanked in one day a couple times. people getting nervous, paranoid from withdrawal, and just wanting some kind of buzz,even cigs were getting harder to come by.

So all the sudden this skinny dude by the name of slim or Toothpick charlie was spreading it around that he had some connection that was gonna get him some real good weed on christmas eve. nobody liked this weaselly motherfucker before but suddenly he's everybody's best friend or their fucking sweet grandmother they bring presents to. the pimps are offering him his choice of janeys on the house, etc. Nobody knows whether to believe him or not but just in case, he's on everybody's good list. Toothpick charlie, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

this went on for a couple days as christmas approached. when finally people start getting suspicious, is he really getting that chronic? we NEEEEED it. the longer we waited the more legendary it got. the expectations were growing like a fucking balloon. visions of marijuana smoke dancing in our heads.

"I heard toothpick charlie got the greatest weed on the earth. i heardd it's some prehistoric shit been growing on skull island undisturbed by man. only dinosaurs eating this shit. i heard one toke gets you high for two consecutive life sentences."

"nah, slim told me all about it, this is some secret government shit he got, genetically altered DNA type shit, to make it stronger. they use this shit to calm down berserkers so they don't eat babies and shit. what i heard this shit would KILL the dinosaurs man, i understand what your sayin but this is BETTER than skull island weed."

well whatever it was, we were dyin for this shit. When the fuck will santa get here, we're thinking. WE WANT OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. well christmas morning, we get one hour in the yard and EVERYBODY and their uncle is clowning poor slim.

"Come on slim you know i'm down. i been down with you since day one. i'm your best friend slim i always been."

"Hey toothpick what's up with christmas eve your connection come through blood?"

"PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEE santa give us our CHRONICCCC!"

Slim stands up tall and straight and narrows his eyes. Nobody ever feared this motherfucker but today he's the grinch that could steal our christmas in a second. this was a cold december morning and dudes are SWEATING from head to toe.

"Now hold on bitch," he said, "you must of misunderstood. I never said ANYTHING about no chronic."

"But the WEEEEEEEEEDDDD charlie, give us the WEEEEEEEEDDDD." slim reaches into the back of his pants and pulls out a fat baggy of brown powder. People start whisperin, "Is that weed? What kinda weed is that slim got?"

Toothpick clears his gravelly throat and speaks in a strangled growl. "I never said it was weed specifically, or never meant it," he says. "The screws have a party every christmas eve, and i knew a way to break into the kitchen. I knew they weren't simple enough to leave us no liquor, but what the fuck they care about fresh ground eggnogg NUTMEG?"

everybody's whisperin again. "Nutmeg? What the fuck nutmeg?" "Where's slim's weed?"

What toothpick and i both knew but the rookies didn't, nutmeg when swallowed in large enough quantities mimicks the effects of smoking weed. two spoonfuls of the shit with a little bit of water, gives you a cool marijuana buzz with a side effect of mild nausea. Nobody wanted to admit it but slim was right all along.

Well needless to say that was toothpick charlie's last christmas, 'cause during a tense drought like that EVERYONE'S got a weapon. Even people who ain't in prison musta been carrying shanks that season. Even to a hardened old dude like yours truly it was kinda sad seeing them carry away this fucked up boney corpse, on christmas of all fucking days.

Me and two other vets shared the baggy and toasted to the honor of toothpick charlie, the skinny, wily ass santa claus that made our holiday season.

When charlie said "weed" everyone took him literally, but he was talking about the SPIRIT of weed, what weed is really about. who cares whether you smoke it, eat it, shove it up your ass i don't care as long as you get the high you need on a cold holiday morning in the joint.

Thanks guys merry christmas (lol)

--Vern outlaw 4 life copyright 1999 Vern

10/11/99 Vern Tell's It Like It Is #2 - Fight Club

First of all thanks guys for making my first column a success, by reading it.

Also i'm sorry my sight has been offline I don't know WHAT the fuck is wrong with geocities.

now every so often there is a movie that comes along that really hits a motherfucker right in the balls and says LOOK AT ME, MOTHERFUCKER - I AM A CLASSIC.

the motherfucker i'm talking about is of course fight club, the new movie by david fincher. david fincher for those of you who don't know is a director of beer commercials from the '80s. like beer commercials Fight club is a movie with assloads of style. unlike commercials, this is a movie about NOT buying products, or rather not buying into the idea that material objects are your life. the star is a guy by the name of "narrator" who is kind of a yuppie type dude working at a car company, wearing a tie, traveling around to take a look at burnt up cars.

by the way, don't read this column if you haven't seen fith club. id on't want to ruin it for you. Just go to the bottom and order something from reel.com so a motherfucker can eat.

Now i don't think i have to tell you this dude narrator is not happy, and that is why when his condo gets blown to shit, he decides to squat in the most fucked up house you ever saw. this is a piece of shit with no water, electricity, tv and falling apart. and narrator is happier than ever because when it comes down to it a nice condo is not worth a fucking penny compared to living life the way you want to.

actually iguess i don't have to explain it because you guys have already seen it. sorry. So here is what I think.

This is fincher's best shit. this david is one of the movie makers who storms hollywood like a true outlaw and uses these fuckers money to make a statement AGAINST the need for money. i hope this movie is a HUGE failure at the box office because that will be a statement in itself - who fucking cares? it's the movie that counts not the money and those fat cats at 20th century should learn something from the movie. They need to learn to truly let the small stuff slide. FIGHT Club is a shank to capitalism, to materialism, to passively sitting back and not chasing your dream. did you really want to be marketing shitty movies trying to make money, or do you want to die knowing you made a GOOD FUCKING MOVIE like fight club? i wish i had fight club when i was wasting time in a fucking cage - would have got me off me ass and escaped! no just kidding guys.

Anyway this motherfucker is a Die hard for the '90s in my opinion, and I ain't fucking lying. Like die hard, it will have a great influence and inspiration on the people who see it. The most important scene to be frankly honest is when Tyler Durden holds a man at gunpoint as a "human sacrifice" and forces him to pursue his dream to become a veterinarian instead of keep working in this fucking "convenience" store.

Now let's be clear i do NOT condone holding a man at gunpoint. If there's one thing i learned in prison, well it's how to make a shank, rape a guy, get high off of pepper or a couple other things. BUT, since prison i have come to the conclusion that holding a man at gunpoint is IN MY OPINION wrong.

BUT, a balls out movie needs balls out metaphors and this is one motherfucker of a fucking metaphor, in my opinion. in a way that gun is on YOUR head because you are forced to put yourself in the man's sweaty shoes, asking yourself that question - is this what i want to do with my life? and for me personally, this only enforced my opinion that i want to become a Writer and no longer a criminal. what am i going to do if i die look back and say, "at least i didn't get caught at first - i got some fucking money i did." You can make enough money to buy a fucking gold plated hooker and a giant robot dick to stick in her, your still not going to be proud of yourself if your slinging crack or trading fucking stocks or some shit like that.

I haven't seen a lot of this type of movie but i think i will try to look for them after this. David is a MASTER of the film language and he knows how to tell a story. the style is very audacious but it fits the story like a rubber. the camera flies through a can showing the corporate logos of crumpled garbage, through a man's brain, whatever. the music is by the dust brothers which i think has something to do with pot.

now i know what some of you want to know - what did i think of the FIGHTING? well first of all i have heard that brad pitt is supposed to be a pussy and a pretty boy, let me say this is FUCKING BULLSHIT. i have seen this dude in a couple of movies recently and to be frankly honest he is quite good.

true romance - he is a stoner. small part, but good.

the twelve monkeys - a crazy motherfucker. VERY good.

seven - a cop. okay, but he was good in the part still.

So i do NOT see this pretty boy shit. i'm not saying he's van damme, no, but he's a good actor. In the fight scenes here is muscular, good moves, especially puking blood on a guy. now personally i DON'T think most mafia guys would fall for that one but i admire tyler for giving it a shot.

This movie is not all that violent as some fucking pantywaists are saying. i don't watch a lot of movies but i have seen my share of fights in the yard and they are NO fucking picnic. you see a guy get his cheek bit off, stabbed in the dick, teeth broken on a wall. Some times a guy gets his head twisted around the wrong way or a compound fracture which is when the bone actually sticks out.

in fact one time i believe it was a fight between Sweet jimmy sinclair (pimp) and another dude. surprised i forgot this dude's name because this was a good move. What he did, sweet jimmy broke the guy's arm, the bone is sticking out. he lets out a loud scream of pain, then stabs sweet with the bone. OUCH!

So waht I'm saying no, the fights aren't as brutal as real life BUT, they are well done and i was impressed. IN FACT i don't want to sound like a pussy but the movie actually makes you not like to watch the fighting, even feel a little bad about it. i think the fighting is a metaphor for the extreme measures a dude must go into his dark side in order to shed his skin and become the guy he wants to be.

THAT SAID, it does make a pretty convincing argument for fighting. It has been a few weeks for me and i do think it would be interesting for two guys who are sober and don't have any grudges, more like boxing or slam dancing in the '70s.

as you know there is one bitch of a twist here and let me say that you pricks who say it is only a gimmick are WRONG. at first tyler durden is the dude we all want to be, who has no attachment to material items, no qualms about fucking shit up, bending the system over. THEN, we see that his great plan, like any great plan, devolves into more military style bullshit, mindless followers calling him "sir" and blowing shit up (although with style i must point out). but when we realize that narrator IS tyler, we must see this in a different way. WE ALL have tyler durden in us. we can't wait for him to bump into us on a plane and give us his card. we have to bring him out of ourselves. and then we must keep the little shit under control, before meat loaf with tits gets his head blown off (metaphor).

i like a movie like fight club because it gives you a lot to think about, to figure out for yourself. there is not one definite message and i have heard many people give different ideas of what it means, like really fucked up grafitti in a bathroom. as opposed to say men in black where everything is all cut and dry and ready for consumption.

but of all the movie gives you to think about i think the one thing i will come back to most is the scene early on where narrator complains about losing all his furniture, and tyler sarcastically says,"yeah, that really sucks man." We as Humans tend to get too upset over things that really don't matter. so what if you dented your car, forgot to watch felicity, caught having sex with underage girl, whatever. Life goes on. next time i'm pissed off 'cause some motherfucker won't get me a job or looks at me wrong, i will remember that scene and it will put things in perspective. and some motherfucker will keep his ass. so in reality, fight club stops the violence and increases the peace. thanks guys

--Vern

P.S. I would like to thank jeff mccloud from rec.arts.movies.current-film who told me i should write about fight club. don't get cocky motherfucker i was already planning on it. BUT i appreciate the suggestion. thanks bud

By the way if you want to help me improve my Writing please e-mail me and tell me what you think. If not then fuck you jack. copyright 1999 vern

10/18/99

Vern Tell's It Like It is #3 - Mambo Socks

First of all guys I gotta say, I don't know WHO that motherfucker on the logo is it does NOT look like me. For one thing I got GRAY hair, not green.

I don't know about this Walter leno dude doing my designs but what the fuck man i gotta keep up with the times and this dude tells me he is pretty fucking cutting edge in his opinion.

Now, today i will tell a story about a prison riot to answer a complaint from a gal from the guestbook page of my sight.

Dear Sir, As a fine Christian woman of strong moral values, I must in good conscience inform you that your site is a disgusting, shameless mockery of my religion. You, sir, may call yourself a Christian, but you are no Christian I've ever known. Your constant use o unnecessary expletitives, your homosexual tendencies, and your constant threats of violence have no place in the Christian church and/or community. And no, you cannot have my e-mail address; I have children who use this computer, and who knows what kind f depravity you'd get them into. I've seen "South Park", I know what's out there.

--Name withheld Vern's guestbook

Believe it or not, i actually get this alot. "Hey vern how your such a christian your always raping guys in the ass." Well first of all, i am NOT raping anyone, that was my past (in prison only) and as a christian no, i am not proud of it if that's what your asking.

Over on the movie newsgroup there was a few incidents where i think I threatened to kill a couple guys, etc. when i was on shrooms (this was before i was sober) and when i was drunk. come to think of it one guy named nimrod threatened to kill ME first but that is another story. HOWEVER, i did talk tough to some of these guys, cussing etc. But i have gotten in almost no physical fights since i got out, only arguments which in a way is a writing practice exercise for me in my opinion.

however the cold, solid truth of the fact is that VERN is a peaceful man. i am not only talking about "the new vern" although yes i am peaceful. there has always been a certain side to me and i don't mean to brag. in fact, this is not a brag because i know some of you guys will call me a pussy when you hear this story. BUT i think sometimes it takes a real man to be a pussy and a COWARD is someone who does not have the BALLS to be a pussy. In my opinion.

The story is this. This was one summer quite a fwe years ago the screws got this deal, probaly illegal but what the fuck does a screw care. The deal is this: they test out new products by giving them to the inmates to see what happens. They were real careful about this, don't want to give an inmate a toothbrush or something that could be used as a weapon. give an inmate a fucking soggy teabag he'll figure out a way to use it to skin a man. lockup is like fucking gilligan's island in this respect, but with silverware usually taking place of the coconuts.

Well the product they decided to experiment was this thing called the "MAMBO SOCK." Now as a side note i would like to mention that the frat boys who invented this piece of shit are a couple of grade a jackasses and if i go to jail just for what i did these motherfuckers get the DEATH PENALTY in my opinion NO APPEALS. i don't know what they fuck they were thinking with this shit. i put a tube sock on my dick and call it a "party twizzler" or something i'm not gonna go patent it and try to pretend it's the greatest fucking thing since the bedspring gun.

quite simply, the mambo sock is BULLSHIT. i hate the fucking mambo sock as far as an invention goes.

For those who don't know, what a mambo sock is is you take a pair of shorts and wear it on your head. and that's a mambo sock. I am not fucking joking. This is what these candyasses thought was a good idea, and what i heard this was actually very popular for about two months in high schools. What the hell is wrong with you kids? i know there's gotta be some of you college kids reading my shit, i hope you have a good explanation for this. But anyway let me tell the story.

So they pass out these mambo socks to 12 of the inmates. One dozen mambo socks in the whole joint. they were very careful to spread these out to different demographics, make sure different type of racial backgrounds etc. get to give their opinion on the quality of the mambo sock.

So what ended up happening, you got every different type of dude is wearing a mambo sock. You got this huge black dude from the weightlifting community P-Dog, you got Encyclopdia pete (smart guy with glasses, some kind of master pervert), i think you got a little janey with lipstick, you got Toothpick Eddie (not to be confused with Toothpick charlie) a skinny mexican dude. All different types of dudes.

Now i've said it before i'll say it again, there are different groups in prison - you got the blacks, you got the white supremists, you got the fags. There is also the rapists and molesters who stay on their own because they are everybody's stepchild, they get eaten ALIVE by some of these motherfuckers. but for the most part there are gangs and families, and it is STRICT as a daddy with a leather belt collection.

but now all the sudden that summer you got a fucking rainbow coalition of mambo sock wearing motherfuckers. I swear to fucking christ there was a nazi dude starts spotting for P-Dog doing bench press. even encyclopedia pete a molester has 11 friends all the sudden, the god damn mambo sock mafia, walking around world's best friends cause "hey man, you got the shorts on your head, we got something in common bro."

"What's that you claimin?"

"mambo socks."

Now in the everyday world, this might be a pretty fucking site, even touching to have all the race, creed and color getting along. and i should mention i am NOT a racist, i don't care whether your black, white, purple or fucking, id on't know, red or something your okay in my book as LONG as you have love in your heart and instead of pussying out you will stand up to the negativity like me, kalspirti and a couple of these other guys trying to go straight or get clean. BUT, in this specific circumstances in the joint there is nothing more fucked up than this multi culti mambo sock brotherhood because suddenly these guys start thinking their better than anybody else. the elite 12, the fucking dirty dozen.

and of course, there's a little jealousy there, there's a little inferiority complex because when your inside and you don't really have an exposure to the outside culture, you start wondering maybe it is a good idea to put a god damn pair of shorts on your head. And you say why can't I be the one put a pair of shorts on my head, why it's gotta be encyclopedia, p-dog etc.?

So i think you can imagine what starts happening, right? a lot of these gangs are less than twelve already. Now their missing members that joined up the mambo socks and their pissed like a mama bear. Mambo socks walkin around with their noses in the air, little mambo sock string hangin down the back of their neck, thinking they the kings of the world. And the blacks don't like it, white supremists don't like it, mexicans don't like it, only the screws like it cause they think it's funny as hell, a little experiment like sticking black ants and red ants in the same ant farm.

These bad feelings all came to head one day in mess hall. Chubs Holiday, big fat dude from the black table goes over to the mambo sock table and sets up shop.

"you pantyhead motherfuckers don't mind i eat lunch at your table, righ'? No, din't think so."

"fuck you chubs" p-dog said, he's like the leader of the mambo socks in my opinion.

Guys from the black table looking over at this point, they obviously sent chubs and their keeping an eye on how it all turns out.

"Din't ask you p-dog," says chubs. Suddenly encyclopedia steps in.

"This is childish," he says. "Please, this table is for mambos only."

"What the fuck you know chickenhawk, cept the 'help me find my puppy' routine."

"Oh I know a hell of a lot more than you do, you illiterate--" something something, he doesn't get a chance to finish 'cause the other mambo socks jumpin on chubs, all hell breaks loose, and everybody in the room swarms the table like ants on a popsicle. now in a way this was positive 'cause we got the blacks workin together, we got the whites working together, indians, everybody workin together to kill these fucking pricks with the stupid hats.

But then i'm thinking NO, this is bullshit, this is some fucking corporation fucking with our heads, not only by putting mambo socks on them but, you know what i mean.

A fucking mambo sock is not worth a PRISON RIOT. Now don't get me wrong i am all up for rising up, uprising, up and kicking a screw's ass, all kinds of ups. But nobody ever gets out during a prison riot. a couple screws get hurt MAYBE if your lucky. Mostly a bunch of short-sighted cons set their matresses on fire and get nothing out of it but a sore ass from sleeping on the cement floor.

So what i did, it was stupid, looking back i'm surprised it worked. but i yell at the top of my lungs. "LOOK AT ME MOTHERFUCKERS. LOOK AT FUCKING VERN."

And a couple of them do, and a couple more do, and a couple more, and what they see is i'm standing on the top of the table, my dick hanging out, cause i took off my pants and put em on my head. "THIS IS A MAMBO SOCK PAL. THIS IS A MAMBO SOCK."

And the room got REAL fucking quiet. Like its church or something. and it was the damndest thing. one by one, silently, these motherfuckers pull off their pants and put them on their head. In FACT, even some of the mambo sock dudes take off their pants, put it on their heads OVER the mambo socks. although i suppose encyclopedia pete, whatever, he'll take his pants off any chance he gets so he doesn't really count.

and i ain't fucking lying to you, this worked like fucking martin luther king, breaking up this fight. everybody sits down and starts laughing (except a rookie named jake, who already had his skull fractured and part of his cheek bit off). and they sit down at the same tables, mixed up. and in all the commotion, half of these guys mambo socks fell off and nobody even picked them up.

And for one beautiful ass day, it was unity, not segregation. And everybody knows they got something in common with everybody, they all the underpriveleged classes caught up in street crime, end up in lockup together, facing long sentences in the same soulsucking slave machine, and also they all got their dick hanging out and the pants on their head. Like brothers.

Afterwards the 12 got a mabo sock tattoo on their arm, but nobody gave em shit for it and they didn't make too big a deal out of it. Everybody forgot this ridiculous mambo sock business and went back to their race gangs where they belonged. the only downside to this story is that whatever the screws filled out in the report those stupid motherfuckers still released the mambo sock on the world, god damn son of a bitches.

But to be frankly honest i think mrs. name withheald from the guestbook could learn a thing or two from the book of vern in my opinion. if you haven't sat down with a man bare ass on a cold mess hall bench, you don't know that this dude is the same as you, no matter if he's a big fat chubs, a skinny toothpick, mexican or mathematician pervert, christian or non christian, ex-con or non ex-con. And i guess you don't know that there is a PLACE for everybody, EVEN in the church of christ.

i think you would do better to be a LITTLE more accepting of a dude and wait until you know the WHOLE story of his JOURNEY before you start writing the dude off. bitch

thanks lady --Vern

Now listen up. i need to eat. if your going to buy something from reel.com anyway, why the hell not use my link and help me out? i don't get it. like one of you wrote to me about "city of children" dvd came out last tuesday WHAT THE FUCK MAN? your ordering it from reel.com anyway WHY THE FUCK NOT USE THIS LINK SO A MOTHERFUCKER CAN EAT. jesus man, i'm sorry but it would piss me off IF i wasn't thinking of that scene from fight club... yeah, fuck it man. who cares. what do i need money for anyway man

10/29/99

Vern Tell's It Like It Is #4 - Halloween

Okay guys I know its not monday yet but i have a new column for you - a special halloween treat for all you motherfuckers that like all the spooky shit.

what i decided to do is rent every movie i could find with the word halloween in it. This is what i got:

Halloween Halloween 2 Halloween 3: Season of the Witch Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers Halloween 5 H20 Halloween

Now, as my regular readers know old vern has been out of the picture for a while. This is my first halloween in many years so it is a special treat. i cannot remember the last time i watched a scary movie for halloween, let alone 6 in a row. I think i have seen the first halloween movie before but this is the first time i have been able to watch the whole trilogy.

And let me say, a lot of people don't know this but the first one is usually the best, and this is NO exception.

Now what halloween is about is a dude named michael meyers. At first he is a little kid who kills his sister, but then it goes to ten years later he is locked up in an asylum (know what thats like brother, no just kidding man).

The good guy of halloween is a dude by the name of Dr. Loomis. This is one of those english dudes that fights evil, sort of a vampire hunter, with the one exception that he hunts michael meyers instead of a vampire. I think it was a good move to make him a doctor instead of a cop so you can root for him more.

Loomis has been studying michael meyers for a LONG fucking time and he has a good idea whats about to happen. and yes, this motherfucker escapes and goes back to steal tombstones, eat a dog and kill people right and left in his home town of haddonfield, montana.

Now, it is exactly at this same time that a dude in a CREEPY white mask is in haddonfield. It is HEAVILY implied that this is michael meyers. Loomis, for one, believes it is. BUT, in the credits he is called "the shape", and he is referred to as "the evil" and "the boogeyman" including by Laurie who is the main star of the movie, a babysitter played by jamie lee curtis. Also it is pointed out that michael never learned how to drive, yet the guy in the mask DOES drive. I guess this is one of the main mysteries of the series.

What i like about this movie is its sort of what i would call an american gothic type of thing. it starts out in the day time and "the shape" is walking around the town, even driving. You only see him from the shoulders down but personally, i am pretty fucking sure this nutball is wearing the mask! And if you think about it driving around WEARING A HALLOWEEN MASK in broad daylight is some pretty fucking weird shit, even for a dude who dressed up as a clown to kill his sister and then never talked again. The dusk slowly falls and eventually its night, giving it a real time sort of feel thats always good for horror.

There is one scene where the mask comes off but unfortunately loomis is not there to give an id on michael, IF it is him under the mask. The ending is not very clear and i really like this. it could mean that the shape got up and walked away, or it could also mean that he just disappeared into the air, and is haunting the shit out of the place. Who knows?

before i move on to part 2, i should mention that the BEST thing about this movie is the music. Now you guys can vouch for me, i got dudes that can vouch for my fighting as well, i am a tough dude for my age in my opinion. BUT, this music scares the piss out of me. Usually a guy like me prefers a classical orchestra type shit for a horror movie but here is an example of where one dude with an old keyboard can make the scariest fucking music of all time.

PART 2continues right after part 1 and thats why it starts out good. There is VERY fucking good atmosphere and you get a feel that the shape really is sneaking around in the shadows when they have point of view type shots through a window of an old lady in her kitchen. i like when you see the shape hiding and he is listening to what loomis is saying about a block away. you feel like your standing there. the atmosphere is also strong at the end, a foggy morning where you feel like you really have stayed up all night. and there is a VERY fucking funny part where a different dude in a mask (not the shape) gets hit by a car.

BUT, laurie spends most of the time in a hospital bed helpless. i'm no feminist but i'm not sure having a girl in a coma is a good heroine. sorry. And come on man, laurie is michals sister and thats why he tries to kill her? don't these motherfuckers know that the WHOLE reason why halloween is scary is because we don't know why he's killing, or even if there IS a why?

PART 3is confusing. Now, i may have picked up the wrong video or it may have been the wrong video in the box, i'm not sure. but this one is totally different. it is about these evil robots that wear funny halloween masks. it has kind of a creepy foreigner type of feel. not that bad but WHAT does the robots have to do with michael? I am still trying to figure out for sure if it is indeed michael wearing the mask. this one does not help.

CURSE OF MICHAEL MEYERS.this is the one that proves michael meyers is the one wearing the mask. But this movie is fucking terrible. They try to make it so you hate the people michael kills and so you root for him. Okay, good move. But it makes it not scary. Also, there is some stupid shit about a thorn cult of druids who's doctor is michael meyer's boss? I would say, don't rent this one. there's no number on it anyway so as far as i know its not even an official sequel. This may have been an unused tv special or something i'm not sure.

PART 5.I fast forwarded through most of this one but there is one scene where MIchael is in jail. They tried hard to make it accurate but as an insider, i noticed one minor mistake that they made. in my experience, when a dude wearing a halloween mask gets arrested, the pigs take off the halloween mask. I wonder if they took his mugs wearing the mask? that would be a good scene they should put back in for the dvd. I would also like to see a scene before he gets caught where they do a sketch of him, but wearing the mask. Or maybe he takes off the mask and his real face underneath looks exactly the same. There are many things you can do with a mask in my opinion.

There is one part where michael takes off his mask but you only see his eye this time. But i'm pretty sure it is michael. a tear comes out of his eye and to be frankly honest that's kind of corny. but i am not against a sentimental mass killer, that's not a bad idea for a movie. i would like if in future halloween movies he always takes the mask off and a tear comes out every time he kills somebody. Or he could pour a little on the curb or whatever. Something to show he has a little human in him.

Well, maybe not. Sorry about that guys, that was a bad idea. Anyway, i should also mention that a guy comes wearing black boots and blows up the jail so mike can get out. Kind of like dukes of hazzard how their friend would come tie a rope to the bars and drive off. i guess its kind of cool that even a guy like michael meyers would have at least one close buddy. i mean, if you think about it the biggest assholes you ever meet usually do have a bunch of friends and women. I mean shit for all we know michael could be very popular wherever he lives during the rest of the year.

H20 Halloween.I don't know WHAT is up with this one as far as numbering but as far as i know it is the last one. This is definitely the best besides the first and really, it might be smart just to watch those two. This one returns to the story of laurie, who is now a professional babysitter at a boarding school.

This one's about some teens and its done better than the other ones, even with orchestral music like i like. BUT the real heart of this one is the last 20 minutes or so. after 15-20 years of hiding under a false name, DRINKING (i know about this territory, sister) and afraid of her own reflection to turn into mike meyers, finally this gal decides to face up to the negativity and clean up her life.

What this means is once shes gotten away, she says, "No... on second thought..." and turns right back around ready to kick this motherfuckers bitch ass to kingdom come. "MICHAEL!" she yells, and kicks open a firebox to arm herself with an ax.

i don't want to give anything away, but she chops the dudes head off. this is after a long struggle through the school, a stolen ambulance chase, crash off a cliff and more. This last 20 minutes is non stop action, the die hard of horror. It is the perfect end to the series.

Now let me tell a brief story. When i was inside, there was a dude by the name of Benji Thick. This dude had a halloween tradition of telling this ghost story, mostly to rookies. the story goes that kenny chicago was executed at our joint on halloween night. kenny chicago as you know was a hitman who took the fall for an epic gangland slaying. he was from chicago i believe. well the story goes that when they went to arrest kenny, they found all kinds of weird satanic and voodoo type stuff all over his apartment, and best of all: a human heart inside a vase in the dudes refrigerator.

Now in my opinion thats going too far. Anyway, kenny was busted for his gang killings but nobody ever knows where the heart came from, so rumors spread about him being some kind of ed gein/jeffrey dahmer type cannibal motherfucker.

So Benji tells these rookies that every halloween, the ghost of kenny chicago comes out of death row and roams the whole building moaning, looking for a human heart to eat. the day someone leaves him a heart as an offering, he will be resurrected to finish slaying his rivals. So of course what Benji does, after hes got all the rookies all riled up, he saves a piece of bread from his lunch. Then he chews it into a paste and spits it out. With this he molds himself a crude mask thats supposed to look like skin taken off some other dudes face.

Benji comes down the hall, "MY HEART... GIVE ME MY HEART... MUST... GO BACK... TO CHICAGOOOOOOO..." He was real dramatic and good at this shit, and always made the rookies look like their about ready to piss their pants.

But he did this every year, and as he got old, he started to lose his touch. He forgot the original spirit of the thing and starts adding all this dumb shit to the story. Kenny chicago works for the government. kenny chicago is part alien. once in every generation theres a kenny chicago. And he didn't even do the old shit very good anymore. His hands were getting shaky so his masks started getting really lame and he was easy to recognize and nobody fell for it anymore. people start telling him to stop. "Please Benji, not this year."

Finally about five years ago, he tried to pull it again even though everyone told him to stop. The rookies are getting tougher at this point and they laugh the story off from sentence one. Nobody buys it and the motherfucker still puts on the chewed up bread mask. well, needless to say, three different people were ready to shank poor Benji just to get him to quit embarrassing himself. he was transferred to a different facility and later died of unrelated heart problems.

The reason i bring this up: cause some motherfuckers never learn. According to my sources, the producers of this series are planning YET ANOTHER halloween, even after they had a perfect ending. now i guess theyll have mike meyers with no head, which in my opinion just isnt the same, because whats he gonna do stretch the mask around his shoulders? Actually that might be cool but some people might not take it as seriously. If any of you producers of this movie read my column, please bud. Listen to vern. He knows what hes talkin about. you gotta quit while your a head, leave this thing behind and move on to a new lifestyle.

Anyway, have a happy halloween. And if any of you motherfuckers try egging my house or any of that other trick or treat shit, please know that your playing with fire. i have had years to plan my defense. You have been warned.

11/3/99

Vern Tell's It Like It Is #5 - a sort of block that prevents me from having something good to Write about

Okay now look guys. I missed my Monday deadline but there is a legitimate excuse. I spent Sunday night in jail after cracking the ribs of the little prick who smashed my jackolanterns. Now i don't know how much you guys are into halloween but i think you would agree don't fuck with a man's jackolanterns.

I hope nobody was disapointed by my lateness since i did an extra halloween column. So lets face it you motherfuckers can't complain. On the other hand you can complain about this week's column now that its arrived, because i'm going to tell you straight off, this one is going to be shit. I don't have a movie to Write about so I'm just basically gonna be shooting the shit. And i have a sort of block that prevents me from having something good to Write about. Sorry.

I want to say thanks bud to my fans, i think there are at least ten of them at this point. I have gotten some nice e-mails and my guestbook thing has been signed by some real cool motherfuckers. i even got it signed by the dude who created the comic book that the tv show "harsh realm" is based on. sorry about the show man, i hope reading my sight didn't jinx you.

At the same time i want to give a big fucking fuck you to the stupid motherfuckers who criticize me in the guestbook. Jesus fucking christ man do you know any manners. this sight is not about relgion so why the fuck you have to blaspheme against my fucking tenets in a man's own guestbook. I'm not here to talk about religion i am here to talk about the art of Writing and cinema. if you want to pick on people for their religion go to an airport motherfucker. And anyway you should read Vern Tell's It Like It Is #3 Mambo Socks below if you want to find out what a fucking prick you are for judging a dude without knowing about his life and journey.

Anyway I guess this week is sweeps week on tv which is when they do all the extra sexy shit to try to get higher ratings so they can charge the soap companies more money for the commercials. I am going to try to always watch tv on sweeps week not just for the sexiness (thats what nudie movies is for jackass) but as a scholar of the american popular cultural things and what not.

So far i saw a pretty good one on the lawyer show Alley McBeal. This is the show about a funny chick that is real neervous. There are a lot of people on this show and the ladies in particular get the vern seal of approval. Anyway two ladies kissing is what i'm getting at. Well anyway i would like you guys to Write to me to let me know what are the best tv shows that you think i should watch. i have heard that walker texas ranger is good but personaly i do not consider that hairy piece of shit chuck norris to be one of the better karate guys. i do not think he's on the level of a bruce lee or willis. There is one tv show that i have been watching regularly since i got out but i don't want to say what it is. It was a rerun this week due to it was on halloween but i'm hoping it will be a new one this week. Maybe you can guess what it is but i hope not.

Well shit man this is depressing, i'm going to quit before it gets even worse. Sorry guys i promise a better column next week. jesus christ man this is horrible.

You know what, on second though i'm going to finally give in and print part of my dream journal for you motherfuckers who requested it. I encourage keeping a dream journal for everyone it helps to understand yourself and give you ideas to keep you always Writing. Well except in this case. now keep in mind i am a very private dude so this is actually pretty fucking stupid for me to do this. But you know what i feel a duty to my buds and i want to fulfill my goal of being a weekly columnist so here it is jack. bet you can't read all of it.

Sweet dreams guys --Vern

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