X (THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES)
Well ever since I got out I've been trying to catch up with all the pictures I missed while I was out of the picture. But the truth of the matter is I never saw all that many pictures before I got in either. So I figure why only review new and recent movies, if I want to be a real film Writer I gotta study the classics.
So I turned to the American Movie Classics channel where my first classic was X directed by Roger Corman. This is the story of Dr. Xavier, who invents eyedrops that would kill a monkey but would make a man have x-ray vision. Yeah so Superman has that power plus he can fly but what the hell man, one power is pretty impressive too. Xavier uses the drops on himself, does some surgery, kills a man, and goes on some x-ray adventures.
Now I think every man has decided what he would do with this power and Xavier does some of the best ones. First he's real idealistic, saying he'll use it to help people as a doctor and hell, he does. But it's not too long before he starts moving on to the more obvious ones. One of the best scenes is where he's at a party and realizes that everyone looks naked to him. Of course they don't show anything important but I don't know man, there's something sexy about a bunch of hot '50 gals twisting around with bare backs. And then he starts talking up his co-worker gal, "I like that birthmark above your third rib." The guy's kind of dense though and doesn't realize what it means when she doesn't get offended.
Next on the list, the old carnival hustle. He calls himself "Mentallo" and he and Don Rickles get paid because he pretends to read people's minds (he's really looking in their pockets). After that they open up their own business just diagnosing people: "Hey lady, you got a tumor. Donation?"
Unfortunately that's about all he manages before he goes crazy. He never really tries the naked women thing on a wide scale or uses his access to secrets to commit crimes or play pranks. But if you think about it, the lack of success he has with this thing is kind of more realistic 'cause I mean this kind of shit never lives up to expectations.
I have decided after seeing this picture and giving it some thought that if I was offered x-ray vision, I would have to refuse it. Even if you didn't go crazy from it, how would you watch movies? How would you Write about them if you keep seeing right through the computer screen? Dr. Xavier is already a doctor so he doesn't have to worry about it, but how are you gonna read books when you keep seeing through to the next page? Even if you can figure out how to read a whole book you KNOW you're gonna end up reading the ending before you get there. So you better get those book smarts taken care of BEFORE you get the x-ray vision.
Even the nudity thing would have drawbacks. There are some people you see on the street that you just don't want to see naked. I think you know who I'm talking about. And I mean even some women, they could really be something with the clothes on, but what if the actual items are disappointing, and kill the fantasy? I mean personally I am not into this shaving off the pubic hair deal and if some gals do it, I'd rather not know.
I hope I have convinced you if not that's your perogative man good luck let me know how it turns out.
X-2: X-MEN UNITED
Dear Mystique,
Hey sugar it's me Vern. Remember me I reviewed your first movie "the x-men" and even though I don't read that comic strip shit, I enjoyed the picture. Well I gotta say although the title "x part 2 x-men united" is pretty terrible I also enjoyed your part 2. It doesn't have the same "I can't believe this isn't total shit" surprise factor but instead it has these characters that I enjoyed in the first picture and it tries to add more depth and drama and convolutedness to their adventures and what not. like a comic strip book.
But the reason I'm Writing to you mystique is because you are my favorite mutant now. Don't get me wrong, I still think Young Clint Eastwood is great as Professor Logan Wolverine, the art teacher at X-Men Community College. There is another X-Man called Rogue but she's not really a Rogue, she always sits at the same table as Iceman and Fireman. Professor Wolverine is the real rogue, he wanders around in the snow by himself uncovering his past and going on adventures and shit. Who knows what happened between part 1 and part 2, he could've saved an injured baby polar bear, or he could've gotten in a fight with a yeti, or got buried under an avalanche and had to melt his way out by banging his metal freddy krueger claws against each other to create heat. I mean anything could've happened, as long as it is snow related. Anyway he's the real rogue, so when he goes to the X-Man school to try to find beer, all the kids follow him around because he's cool. I liked when he said "You picked the wrong house, bub." That was pretty tough.
Most improved X-Man goes to Storm, played by Halle Berry. Her wig looks alot better and I guess the oscar made her try harder. She's actually kind of scary this time when she gets the weather control going.
Also that new German guy Kurt is pretty cool. I mean I'm cool with mutants, I totally don't even care that the guy has that tail and everything. I mean I would totally hang out with blue skinned people to be frankly honest. I probaly, you know I'm not a mutant but I'd probaly be one of those guys that hangs out with mutants and it's like, when I'm around them I don't even remember who is a mutant and who is not a mutant. I'd be like...
hey, you know that guy Kurt? Kurt Vagner? You know, the German guy?
Kurt? German guy Kurt. I don't know, what does he look like?
I don't know how to describe him, I mean, he's kind of short I think, about this tall. Medium length hair. You know, not long at all, but it's not like a crew cut or anything. He's got a lot of tattoos, he wears like a leather jacket and striped pants.
Hm, I don't know, are you sure I know this guy?The one disappointing thing about Kurt, that opening scene where he attacked the president. When he didn't kill him and just left a "mutant freedom now" ribbon I thought he was my fuckin hero. I thought he was some revolutionary like John Brown. But then it turns out he's just being mind controlled by Stryker.
Yeah, Kurt. You know. With the accent. And he's real religious, always saying prayers.
I don't know.
He has a rosary, I think he was raised by gypsies though. He said he used to be in the circus. You know he's, he's the guy that teleports all the time, and leaves this cloud of inky blue smoke.
Oh, you mean the blue guy with the devil tail. Nightcrawler.
Oh yeah, he is blue, isn't he? Yeah, that's Kurt. Kurt Vagner. He's a cool guy.
Now that Stryker guy, that guy's a real asshole but I coulda warned you, Mystique, because that's Brian Cox. He's always playing assholes now, or pedophiles at least. I don't fuckin trust that guy. I coulda told you that guy's a bad guy and he has some magic formula to control the mutants and his son was a mutant who he tried to "cure" (can you believe that shit?) and now he has a vendetta so he is building his own "cerebro" machine and kidnapping Dr. X-Man to use him to concentrate on all of the mutants in the world at once so that he can commit telepathic genocide.
Now let me tell you why I liked this movie: this is a movie for our times. I mean I can relate to the idea of a militarist maniac manipulating the government for his own hateful, extremist agenda. I like how the X-Men are a badass underground civil rights group who try to use non violence when necessary. I'm into that. But I mean you guys are cool too, nothing against you guys. I have to admit it was you guys who stopped the passage of the Mutant Registration Act. The X-Men saved the humans from Magneto but you and Magneto saved the mutants from the humans. I was curious though, as long as I have you here what's the deal with you impersonating that senator? How did you convince his family that he's still alive? Do you like show up at the house and then you're like, "Oh shit, I forgot my good tie at the White House, I'll be back in a couple of weeks." I don't know, whatever you did you fuckin pulled that one off. Kudos.
By the way, I know you're mostly interested in the mutant issues but I was wondering maybe if you get a chance, you and Magneto could look into this USA PATRIOT act that we have and the part 2 that they're working on. The "patriot" act is our own Mutant Registration Act, but it encompasses alot more. They use it to justify roundups of immigrants, and then they lock them up for months or years without charges or lawyers and eventually deport them (deport, not teleport). They also do this trick where non-citizens from the middle east have to come register. If they don't register, they can get arrested or deported. If they do register, they'll get locked up without charges or deported. It's fucked up man. This is also the act that gave Stryker the right to raid that X-Men school, and to lock those little mutant kids up in a pit. They're doing the same thing in Camp X-Ray Guantanamo Bay. But instead of "little kids" they call them "juvenile enemy combatants." If he wanted to, Stryker could've searched the school without a warrant and without telling anybody. He also could've checked all the X-Men's library records and if the librarian tried to tell anybody that he did it, he or she woulda been arrested. That's the Patriot act for you.
I don't know what you could do now, because if you morphed into Bush or Ashcroft or any of those guys, and then you actually did something good, people would be pretty suspicious. I don't know, I know this thing already passed but, you know, whatever you can do.
Anyway, that's why you guys are cooler than other comic strip characters, you fight against the system. You fight cops and soldiers and you fuck with politicians and you get shit done. You don't waste your time flyin around in some fuckin cape tryin to stop muggers. Shit especially you, you let it all hang out, you just walk around naked, do flips, slither around on the ground and all that crap. I love that crap. And that was pretty cool when you turned into Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. She was great in FEMME FATALE. Isn't she married to some goofball from America's Funniest Home Videos? Anyway you X-Men and Magneto-ites, you have strong opinions and some of you are more radical than others (right on sister). I mean I know I'm a human but like I said in my first review I think you guys got a good point about the fuckin humans. I don't agree with everything Magneto does but he seems like a cool guy and it's cool how he always has this blue naked chick (you) standing behind him.
You guys really have the same goal as the X's, you just have a different opinion about how to get there. And I think the X's understand that, that's why Dr. X-Man visits Magneto in prison, and did you notice that when you busted him out and met them at that campfire they didn't waste time trying to find out if they trusted you, they just went into action. That was cool.
I mean it's a good movie. It gets kind of convoluted at the end because it's so complicated and you start to wonder about all these powers, like what is the deal with Dr. X-Men being able to freeze the whole world like in the Matrix? I don't get it. Also it would've been a better cliffhanger if after their little talk, the president went ahead and read the speech anyway, declaring war on the mutants. Not that I want a war on you guys but that would make a more exciting part 3 wouldn't it? Oh well, I liked in the first one how they left Wolverine's past unresolved, and they did the same thing here with Jean Grey's growing magic super powers. I'm not stupid man, I know she's not dead and since I heard all the nerds whispering something about "Phoenix" I guess that's where she's gonna turn up, Arizona.
But enough about Jean Grey, I mean she's a looker for sure but she's always whining about her headaches and stuff, plus between her husband and Professor Wolverine she has more than enough man. No Mystique, I am more interested in you and let me tell you why. It's not because of your looks although I like your pretty glowing yellow reptilian eyes, your bright orange slimy hair and your gorgeous blue scaled naked skin. No, it's like that fox show with the masks, I like you for your personality. You've got a mischeivous sense of humor girl I like that. Like when you were seducing Wolverine, I know it was in a closeup and hard to tell but didn't you turn into Rogue for a second to tease him about his uncomfortable relationship with teens? That was good stuff, you know he's into barely legal. Also how you freaked out that janitor by walking past him looking like him.
I know you don't have alot of respect for men, you might be hard to always get along with but I don't know man I feel like maybe I could change you, settle you down a little but you'd still be a strong woman and you could still kick my ass. I mean I don't think I'll ever need you to bust me out of prison but you gotta appreciate a woman who COULD do that if she needed to. that was a nice thing to do Mystique.
The part that impressed me the most was when you were talking to Kurt by the campfire. And by the way I could tell this impressed Kurt too, but some nerd told me you're his mom, is that true? Anyway Kurt asked why you don't just look normal all the time since you can, and you said, "We shouldn't have to." Right on girl. I like you just the way you are. Just don't shoot me up with metal so Magneto can tear it out of me.
Think about it Mystique. We could be magic together if you were real. Either way, I can't wait to see you in part 3.
Love always,
Vern
Well you know me, I've been talking about the badass presence of Vin Diesel just as long as anyone has, anyone except for him. I've been looking forward to this moronic concept of a Vin Diesel star vehicle, figuring anything this stupid starring Vin Diesel would have to be a good time. You saw my epic dissertation on THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS so you know how I enjoy Vin's egomaniacal charisma combined with Rob Cohen's pathetic zeitgeist-chasing high conceptualism.
XXX is completely asinine. And I loved that about it. For about half an hour. Then it just got boring in the exact same way all the modern James Bond movies are boring. It takes a special type of standard lowering to enjoy ANYBODY driving around dreary european villages on motorcycles shooting machine guns and blowing things up in the usual ways. You can only watch a henchman shot into the air by an explosion so many times before you start to ask for more from your badass cinematists. I don't care if you had a young Clint Eastwood riding piggyback on Steve McQueen, you'd still get bored with this movie before it got to the climax.
Vin Diesel plays Xander Cage, an "action sports" legend on "underground web sights." In the opening he steals a Corvette from a senator at a country club. While the cops chase him he makes a video saying that the senator tried to ban rap music and video games. Then he jumps the car off a bridge and parachutes out. So he's a terrorist folk hero to all pudgy 13 year old suburban kids in Slipknot t–shirts. Those kids who you see on the bus wearing big headphones to hide from the world until they are physically capable of growing their first soul patch.
The movie is obvious about playing to the fantasies of these kids. He mentions Playstation at least once, and knows how to use a gun from playing "first person shooter games". The extreme sports angle is as humorous as you'd expect. My favorite touch is the scene where he is pointing at a map going over tactics with a team of special agents, and he's holding a can of Amp.
Of course, the pro-rap and video game stunt gets Xander in trouble with Samuel L. Jackson of the NSA. Samuel wants to use him as an agent so he first runs him through some tests, kidnapping him and leaving him in dangerous situations. This is the fun part of the movie, when Vin gets to show off how smart he is and jump motorcycles sideways over barbed wire fences in an ESPN2 tribute to Steve McQueen's jump in THE GREAT ESCAPE. We learn that he can perform death defying stunts, and that he likes to call people "monkeys" and talk in lists. ("#1, blah blah blah blah. #2, blah blah blah. And #3, blah blah BLAH blahblah.") Then somebody tells him, "This isn't one of your stunts!"
You also get a little glimpse into his lifestyle, which involves doing a stunt then going back to party with a bunch of tattooed white guys who enjoy skateboarding and co-opting black slang.
But then he gets his mission, and you spend the rest of the time waiting for the god damn thing to end. Part of the reason THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS was watchable was because the villain was so charismatic. Because he was Vin Diesel. In XXX you gotta watch Vin in a giant fur coat (admittedly a nice touch) trying to get in good with some scruffy guy in a long coat who talks in a Boris Badenov accent. The villains all have the distinct lack of presence and personality that you expect from a lesser Jackie Chan movie. They hang out upstairs in a dance club and then their plan just involves chemical weapons on a little submarine. And they call themselves "Anarchy 99". There are more imaginative villains in POLICE ACADEMY sequels.
In Europe the least boring character is Dario's daughter, Asia Argento. She's just right for this type of movie but all that means is she's real hot. And it's not like they would've hired somebody that wasn't real hot so that's not getting the filmatists any points from me.
The story is completely generic, and so are the one-liners (except one real bad one: "Welcome to the Xander-Zone!") I did appreciate the way the NSA aren't COMPLETELY portrayed as good guys. They do save the day but they're not as selfless as Xander ends up being. They are willing to let one city die instead of ten. He doesn't want any city destroyed. Even though he likes to snowboard. Wrap your mind around THAT. The NSA follows the "gotta break a few eggs" philosophy, he sticks with "never leave a man behind". But otherwise there's not much clever are thoughtful here.
Which should be fine, right? In this type of movie. But you can't just say yeah, this is XXX, it's not supposed to have good parts. True, you don't need to be smart or original. But at the VERY least you gotta do something memorable in the action department. I liked the stupid idea of using a dinner tray as a skateboard, and the snowboarding in front of an avalanche scene was okay I guess. But all the motorcycles and skydiving are old hat - the movie's really not as different from James Bond as it thinks it is. And just like the car racing in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, the whole "action sports" fad is not as inherently cinematic as Rob Cohen probaly thinks it is. When you see those videos of people flying down stairways on bicycles or rolling down impossibly steep mountains and ending up on their feet, its amazing because you know it's real, and you can't believe some fuckin moron actually did that on purpose. When you see Vin Diesel do it in a movie you know it's not real, so all you feel is that itching feeling that you're supposed to be thrilled.
I mean he does a decent enough job being the new highly paid action hero guy. Even if the character doesn't have as much appeal as his supporting roles. But he really needs a more interesting movie surrounding him. Maybe the sequel will be better.
P.S. (I added this later)
The sequel oughta be like the first DIRTY HARRY sequel, questioning the values of the first movie. For all the talk about not selling out in the first part of the movie, XXX sure sells out fast and questions it little. I'd like to see all those guys who risked their lives helping him throw a senator's car off a bridge react to their hero who now works for the man and flies around with a red white and blue parachute. Yes, he saved the world and that's the right thing to do. But this is hollywood cheating, because the system he stands up against really isn't trying to save the world, that's why he stands up against it. I wanna see the system turn against XXX, and vice versa, or I don't wanna see a sequel at all. End of story. No, there is no negotiating. Sorry.
XXX2: STATE OF THE UNION
When Rob Cohen, the director of the original XXX first talked about a sequel, it was still gonna star Vin Diesel. And I read some interview where he said one of the ideas he had took place in Washington DC, and it would have a scene where Vin rode a mountain bike up the capital dome.
Well it's a low down shame we didn't get to see that but otherwise XXX2 (which ended up being made with Ice Cube instead of Diesel and Lee Tamahori instead of Cohen) is more fun than the first one in almost every way. I'm not saying it's a good action movie or even a great bad movie, but as an honest individual who tells it like it is I gotta cop to enjoying the fuckin thing.
It's almost like they read my mind, or at least my review of the first one. They dumped the whole "action sports" angle completely and even make a joke or two about it. They got less of the standard action (skiing, motorcycles) and more of the over-the-top (flying boats, cars, tanks, trains, etc.). They made it more American - no fuckin dreary, snowy european villas, no boring greasy haired euro-trash villains, no shitty German heavy metal music. This one's in Washington DC and the villain is Willem Dafoe as the secretary of defense. In my review of the first one I pointed out that the NSA has a "break a few eggs to make an omelette" philosophy while Vin Diesel's was "never leave a man behind." This time they shifted it so that the good guys are the people within the government who want peace and getting along and saving innocent lives, the bad guys are the warmongers who don't mind killing people to get their way. Ice Cube's character is tied to Sam Jackson's big cheese Augustus Gibbons with an Above-the-Lawian backstory where Dafoe was their general who was burning down civilian homes, and they were the guys who went in and tried to save the civilians.
One positive I didn't ask for in my review: there's way more Sam Jackson in this one.
Most importantly though, Ice Cube's character Darrius Stone is more like a genuine anti-establishment hero, not some corny skateboarding sellout in a fur coat like Vin Deisel's Xander Cage. "The new XXX" as they actually call him in the movie starts out in a military prison. For a minute I wondered if he was the same character he played in Three Kings. Then I figured out he was sort of like, what if Ice Cube from NWA - never shoulda been let out the penitentiary - what if he went straight outta compton and into the Navy SEALS, an experience that turned him into a Seagalian one-man-army-with-a-conscious. In fact, during the standard Just How Badass Is This Guy scene (you know, the scene where a bunch of authority figures stand around in a room with computer screens talking about the hero's incredible training and accomplishments), one of the old photos we see is NWA Ice Cube with his jheri curls and Raiders hat.
Cube's not Doughboy here, he's in better shape than you've ever seen him, and looks semi-believable fighting, jumping, climbing, swimming, driving and rapelling. He has three different inventor/equipper types on his team: his hot ex-girlfriend (high end souped up sports cars), his buddy Xzibit (quit Pimp My Ride to run chop shop, jacks tanks for him) and "College boy" (wacky white dude in sweater vest from the first movie, shows Cube fanciful inventions that he never bothers to use).
The bad guys are apparently killing off NSA agents as preparation for a coup. They use high tech equipment (including the military equivalent of the Phantasm flying disc) to attack Gibbons's secret underground lair, which now includes a big "XxX" logo on the wall. I wonder if that was Xander Cage's idea. "Hey guys, why don't you make a giant sign out of my tattoo?" Gibbons has to make his escape in a badass car and goes underground - he actually has to bust Cube out of the joint, and has another fed with the triple-x-ian name of Kyle Steele after him (don't worry, you know he's on the up and up because he's the guy who played Ben on Felicity).
Please note the character who turns out to be evil, then the next time you see her she's wearing low cut black leather. Cat's out of the bag, might as well put on the evil leather.
Now, if there is somebody out there who really enjoys the first movie, I'm not sure they would agree with me that this one is better. I mean you could make a legitimate argument that it's not as good because without the whole snowboarding/videotaping/energy drink/Playstation gimmick it's not quite as retarded. There is nothing as hilariously ridiculous as Xander Cage's little speech about censoring rap music and video games. But I think as a whole it's far more entertaining. Part 1 has alot of good laughs during the first third or so, but the second two thirds is mostly lifeless James Bond retread. Part 2 gets bogged down for a section of exposition/set up before the big finale, but the other three fourths held my attention. Good job, other three fourths. Especially the part where he was driving a car with no tires 160 mph on train tracks.
Also you gotta look at the subtext. For part 1, Vin Diesel was a rebel and underground folk hero or whatever, but the government tamed him, made him their bitch and left him laying on a fuckin beach working on his tan. The subtext was that the Man was right, the counterculture was wrong, and he might as well cash in, get paid and get laid. Thanks alot for that important message, Rob Cohen. For part 2, it's a little better. This time the XXX agency is for people who love their country but not everything it does. Okay, so it's kind of hard to take a movie right now where the president is a good guy, but the reason he's a good guy is because he's unveiling a new foreign policy that is the opposite of what we're doing now. Vin Diesel's mission was just the usual saving the world, Cube's was more like saving our republic. And in the end, the credit goes to the cops and the white guy, and Cube drives off to an unknown future, leaving the Man and his woman behind.
There's a scene where the heroes are all on top of a tank, driving toward a big action setpiece. And the song on the soundtrack is some shitty white rock band shitting all over that song "Fight the Power" by Public Enemy. In a sense this is symbolic of the whole movie: a little piece of genuine raging against the machine that's been watered down and amped up and turned into a big dumb collage of daring jumps and fiery explosions. In fact, somebody pointed out to me that the guitar player from Rage Against the Machine is on the credits for "additional guitar." Add him to Ice Cube and Public Enemy (who do a new song on the end credits) and you got three countercultural icons of the late '80s/early '90s, all working on a sequel to a Rob Cohen movie. That's pretty sad when you look at it that way. But the glass is half full too. At least they managed to get an anti-war song playing in every multiplex in america for a couple weeks, the phrase "grand theft oil" ringing through the heads of the kids that have to clean up all the popcorn and shit.
* * *
Maybe you're wondering what happened to Xander Cage. Not because he's a memorable character or anything, but you're just curious how they explained changing leads. All they say is that he was killed in Tora Bora. To get the details you gotta see the special edition DVD of XXX, which includes a really ridiculous 4 minute short called "The Final Chapter: The Death of Xander Cage." It stars Vin Diesel's stunt double, who you only see from the back or below the chin, and he only has one line, recycled from the movie. Funny thing is, even though it's his stunt double, he never does any stunts. Asia Argento's character, now played by some porn actress, gets kidnapped by a SWAT team. (No mention of this in the sequel.) Then Xander goes into a building that immediately blows up. His fur coat flies out the window, then something else... a sizzling pile of ears and skin from the back of his head, including the XXX tattoo, perfectly intact! Then some guy comes and picks up the skin pile, now on fire, and makes a quip. The identity of the killer seems to be important, but I didn't recognize him from either part 1 or part 2. I guess that one's for someone who gives a shit to figure out.
The end of part 2 sets you up for another new lead if there's ever a part 3. The idea now is that Augustus Gibbons ties the movies together, and each time he hires a new and more outrageous anti-James-Bond. Obviously they'll go for a girl next time, that'll knock our socks off. But here are some other suggestions on directions they could go for an outrageous XXX #3:
1. This time, XXX is an old guy! I was thinkin Clint but somebody suggested Kris Kristofferson, and that idea can't be topped. He's always muttering about I can't believe they're makin me do this shit and that kind of thing. And he's got the tattoo on the back of his neck. Bill Cosby would also work.
2. Danny Trejo. He plays ex-cons all the time, good guys occasionally, but never the leading man. It would be EXTREME!
3. some albino dude might be cool
4. That Chinese basketball player that's like 8 or 9 feet tall. No subtitles.
5. Mr. T
6. John McClane
7. the other members of NWA besides Ice Cube
8. If he plays his cards right, Michael Jackson. Let's say he's found innocent in his trial. In the movie, he's in prison, so we get to see what that would look like. Then they bust him out, and he works all kinds of dancing and shit into his fights. They make him a special boomerang hat weapon. This could be fuckin unreal. This is probaly the best idea there is.
9. Olympian XXX. All the stunts are like lifting weights and throwing spears and crap. And pole vaulting.
10. XXX in a wheelchair, but he still does awesome stunts like jumping off a bridge and crap, and his chair has all kinds of weapons and parachutes built in. He has real muscular arms from rolling around all the time, and maybe prosthetic legs with guns and bombs built in. Then at the end they give him robotic legs so he can run around.
11. all of the above, working as an ensemble