Reviews: P

As you all know Mr. David Fincher is one of the best young filmatists we have. Somehow he made a giant leap from being a madonna video director and the guy who did Alien Part 3, to being DAVID FUCKING FINCHER. This is his followup to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for Best Fuckin Picture FIGHT CLUB which in itself was the followup to THE GAME which you must admit is one of the best american thrillers of the past ten years if not the past 100 years of Cinema. thanks for agreeing.

PANIC ROOM is a lesser work from Mr. Fincher but still a worthy one. It won't be the NORTH BY NORTHWEST in his filmography but you'll still want to pull it out every once in a while like you do ROPE. Which come to think of it I watch more than NORTH BY NORTHWEST anyway. What's the deal with that man.

It's a simple set up for a taut thriller type deal. Jodie Foster and young daughter buy new house, in house is reinforced concrete bunker with video cameras in case of home invasion, that night there is home invasion, Jodie and daughter are in panic room, but home invaders want in because money is in there. what will happen? nobody knows. Suspense!

So you got a limited location (only the opening scene is not inside the house) and a limited cast. And when done correctly, by a filmatist such as Mr. Fincher, that equals good times.

And the cast is real good. Jodie Foster lives up to her reputation as being a good actor. She gets primal and motherly but without ever turning into another Ripley clone. The three home invaders are an all star cast: 1. Jared Leto, who played the blonde dude in 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for Best Fuckin Picture FIGHT CLUB 2. Dwight Yoakam, the country singer who is actually a real good actor in such pictures as SLINGBLADE and NEWTON BOYS and 3. Ghost Dog. In this picture Ghost Dog is playing the Charles S. Dutton role, but he plays it perfectly. He is intimidating but likable. He has that lazy eye too. Who wants a dude with a lazy eye going through their shit anyway. Nobody.

Jared Leto is really racking em up now. He is real good even in pretentious movies like REQUIEM FOR A DREAM and crappy ones like HIGHWAY. Here they got him with cornrows and a beard and he plays the stupid rich kid. And when a stupid rich kid has cornrows and a beard it makes you hate him even more. Dwight Yoakam is great too, wearing a ski mask for half the movie so I didn't even realize it was him. I guess maybe if he still had the mask on I might of recognized him, like if he had on a cowboy hat over the mask. Anyway no cowboy hat, but it's definitely Dwight Yoakam in my opinion.

I think the Writing is a little weaker than usual in David Fincher pictures. There are lots of little modern references and what not, sometimes amusing but always in the tradition of your usual hollywood movie dialogue. This is because Andrew Kevin Walker was busy playing "Sleepy Neighbor" in the movie so they had to get David Koepp (who Wrote either Gosford Park or Jurassic Park I believe) to Write it. But it doesn't really matter because the acting is good and the story is suspenseful and there are masterful scenes like the slow motion "running to get the cell phone" scene that had the audience I saw it with gasping.

There are some things that you can't help but predict. As soon as you see that the little girl has an insulin kit, you know that a) she's going to need an insulin shot but not be able to get it and 2) the syringe will later be used as a weapon. Fortunately the use as a weapon is not quite in the same way you expect. In many ways it is a formula hollywood thriller but there are many subtleties to make it feel like something better.

There is also a scene in the beginning where the little girl rides around the house on a scooter. I am 100% positive that in the original draft of the script, the scooter was later used in an action sequence, but that Mr. Fincher dropped it from the script. When something is going to be used later in this type of movie, they set it up. They do it with the panic room, with the elevator, with the cell phone, with the insulin. I fucking KNOW they did it with the scooter, and some day I will prove it to the world.

Visually it does not knock you on your ass the way his past movies have. He started with cinematographitist Darius Khondji who did STEALING BEAUTY, but then they got in a scrap or something and he got replaced with Conrad Hall who did AMERICAN BEAUTY. The guy who did BLACK BEAUTY was on standby. I read somewhere that Fincher wanted to shoot it all in real darkness, but that he realized later he didn't want a movie about a bunch of black blobs moving subtely in front of a black background. There ended up being nothing radical about the look of the picture other than, it looks just right. The only thing real show offy is a handful of shots that use computery shit to go through floors and walls instead of the old three walled set technique from ROPE. This is more reminiscent of FIGHT CLUB and at one point is used to have a camera pan from Jodi Foster's bedroom downstairs and through a keyhole. Not some fuckin see through skeleton keyhole like in the old movies, but an actual modern lock.

Also by the way if those aren't the cleverest opening credits since SEVEN, then THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE are. But still, pretty fuckin clever.

PANIC ROOM won't stay with you the way FIGHT CLUB and THE GAME and even SEVEN do, but it is definitely worth seeing if you like movies that are suspenseful, good, etc. Way to go Jodie Foster thanks

The complicated scheming coulda been more clever in my opinion. The most fanciest one relies on one detail so ridiculous it could've fit into SEED OF CHUCKY. In order to pull off this caper he has to make a 911 call without being traced. So as he's driving along he looks to the passenger seat, where there is a cell phone with "DISPOSABLE CELL PHONE" written on it in large black letters. In case that is not enough, it is sitting next to the DISPOSABLE CELL PHONE instruction booklet! I didn't pause it but I bet the small print said "not for revenge purposes." (I googled "disposable cell phone" to find out if there is such a thing, and apparently there is. They are not made by the Acme Corporation, but by some people whose logo is a cartoon kangaroo and they have the message "Congratulations President Bush: We Support You and Our Troops" at the top. Just the type of class and complex understanding of the world you'd expect from a company that sells a disposable cell phone. [update: my bud Josh R. points out that these companies are well aware that their products are favorites among drug dealers. More of those famous Bush supporter moral values.])

He did do another trick that was kind of cool. To leave his home undetected, he orders a pizza, then hides in the pizza man's trunk. (Don't ask me how he opened the trunk.) The cool part is the way they reveal he is inside. The car backs up toward the camera until you see his eyes through the slit of the not-quite-closed trunk.

Okay, well I thought it was kind of cool anyway. You didn't, but I did.

I never heard of this one before but the box caught my eye. It's from '86 and apparently made for TV. Tommy Lee Jones - after ROLLING THUNDER but before UNDER SIEGE - plays another angry veteran on a rampage. This one though is unusual because he basically inherits this rampage from a deceased friend. I mean can you imagine? A little bit of money, maybe some furniture or something. But inheriting a rampage? That's rough.

The movie starts out with a guy jumping off a building. Tommy Lee is at the funeral and shortly after receives a letter, and a key, from his dead 'Nam buddy. In the letter the dead guy explains that he's been preparing an attack on Central Park for a long time. The key leads to a ridiculous stash of guns, bullets and bombs. There are also maps showing where this guy has already planted explosives around the park.

I'm not really sure why the guy had to kill himself before pulling his little massacre. But Tommy Lee, having lost his shitty job and not being allowed to see his kid is pretty much in the mood. His ex-wife chews him out for being a fuckup and asks him "Why don't you just do something about it?" Cut to Tommy Lee in full camo, plus face paint and Yankees cap, ready to conquer Central Park. It's 3 days until Veteran's Day and his only demand is to keep people out of the park until Veteran's Day.

The story is set up incompetently (why do we need a voiceover of the letter explaining everything when we could discover everything visually, piece by piece?) but I love this idea. Most people would think "Holy shit, my friend was completely nuts, but should I tell the cops or just try to get rid of this shit?" Tommy Lee happens to be the one guy who would take all the weapons and finish what his friend started. That's a good premise for a movie right there.

Once he takes over the park (which he does just by making a phone call and detonating a couple bombs) the rest of the movie of course has the police trying to foil him and him trying to "make his point" about the treatment of veterans. Yaphet Kotto plays the wise and sympathetic police captain. A Yaphet vs. Tommy Lee showdown could be pretty good but unfortunately the antagonist is a weasely Jeffrey Combs looking motherfucker who is the deputy mayor. He just wants to have Tommy Lee killed and he's played too broadly to be taken seriously.

Also not surprisingly you got a female journalist who sneaks into the park to try to get a good story. Tommy Lee is worried she could get shot or step on a mine or booby trap so he keeps her around. You know how movies are, it's dumb when somebody talks to themself too much, but nobody wants to go non-verbal. So you get these characters who exist only so that the main character has somebody to talk to. Anyway she tries to make a documentary about him. I don't think she really knows what she's doing, I wonder if she is into the Maysles Brothers and stuff like that? Also she is shown sucking her thumb while asleep which I thought was an interesting touch. Not sure what that was about. Nothing against thumbsuckers, you just don't see that in too many movies in my opinion.

Also there's a funny part where the ex-wife calls into the park on the emergency phones and gets jealous because a woman answers.

I think this could be remade into a great movie, but this ain't it. The action is cheesy (lots of explosions and bullets that never hit anyone) and come to think of it I'm not sure I would even classify it as action. There is nothing exciting or badass about any of the violence in this movie. The very worst part though is the way they try to make him into a folk hero. There's a scene where people on the street are interviewed and they talk about how he's "a regular guy like us" and they admire him for standing up, but of course they don't say what exactly he's standing up for. Come on man, you gotta work a little harder than that. You gotta make us like him, you can't just tell us that the hard working, straight talking working class New Yorkers like him. You're trying to force it. I guess it was okay when they showed a veteran's group wearing "THE PARK IS MINE" t-shirts during the Veteran's Day parade. At least that was kind of ambiguous.

The one thing the movie really has going for it besides the premise is Tommy Lee, who obviously is great at barking out orders. It's funny to see him interogating innocent parkgoers asking them "What are you doing here?" I'm not sure why this only happens once or twice though. I thought New York was a pretty big city with lots of people in it but I could be wrong about that, I'll have to look it up.

At the end the deputy mayor sends in two mercenaries, a Trautman looking dude who's "an idol to Soldier of Fortune types" and, believe it or not, a guy from the Viet Cong. That's pretty insulting to Tommy Lee, of course, but he manages to take care of them. I kind of wonder though what happens after the movie is over. I bet "Soldier of Fortune types" would be pretty pissed that he killed their idol.

I should warn you that the music is by Tangerine Dream. I don't know why a guy would call himself Tangerine Dream, so I'm guessing it's a band. But it sounds like one guy playing a keyboard so I wonder what the band does. Maybe one guy does the black keys and the other guy does the white keys, I don't know. Anyway, I'm not a fan of Tangerine Dream, or '80s keyboard scores in general. Only John Carpenter knew how to pull that off. Plus, these guys don't seem to give a shit what's going on in the movie. At the very end he has made it to Veteran's Day and he's supposed to turn himself in, and all the sudden he just sets off all the bombs and there's huge fireballs everywhere like he blew himself up. But Tangerine Dream is playing happy victory music. So then it's not a surprise when he somehow walks out okay. I'm not sure what he blew up exactly or why but I guess it's happy, according to Tangerine Dream.

The director is Steven Hilliard Stern, who also did MAZES AND MONSTERS (Tom Hanks anti-Dungeons and Dragons tv movie) and ROLLING VENGEANCE (guy goes on monster truck rampage) and this is pretty much on that level. The weird thing is it's based on a novel by a guy named Stephen Peters, who wrote the late '90s classic WILD THINGS. The PARK IS MINE book came out in 1982 so it may not be a FIRST BLOOD ripoff, unless it was either a rip off of the book or written and published really fast. Whatever the case is, it's not FIRST BLOOD. In fact, both movies have a scene where cops shoot at the protagonist from a helicopter and the helicopter blows up, escalating the battle. In FIRST BLOOD the cops die. In THE PARK IS MINE the cops get out and run away safely before the copter explodes into a huge ball of flames. That pretty much sums up the difference between these movies.

Well in late December as I was preparing to face down the ol' Y2K problem I got to thinking about the old Mad Max and Road Warrior movies I used to like so much, and that got me thinking about Mel Gibson, the young Australian actor who played Mad Max.

Well okay, I admit that Mel hasn't amounted to as much as we as a society thought he would back in those days, but that doesn't mean you can Write the man off entirely. I know what you are thinking, this dude hasn't done shit since Mad Max so just forget about him. But sometimes even after he's considered washed up by the general public an actor or actress is still putting out high quality type performances with little recognition.

At the video store I found one Mel Gibson film called Ransom, about a kidnapping. I figured okay this will be good, it's probaly about a cop named Ransom, I'm thinking most likely John Ransom. Well turns out he's not John Ransom, Ransom is just the name of the movie and not Mel Gibson. He's not a cop either, he's just a rich guy. But his name isn't Ransom. So I decided to give this one a pass and pickup Payback instead.

Turns out his name is Porter in Payback but at least he's not some rich guy. He's not a cop either but come to think of it why the fuck does the star of an action movie have to be a cop anway? I mean nothing against McClane but let's face it, if you had to pick one occupation of guys you want to hang out with, it's not going to be a fucking cop, jesus. That's why I haven't been watching as much TV lately, I mean if I want to see cops and lawyers I'll just answer the door.

Payback starts off real nice and right away you can tell this is going to be a more down to earth type hero you can relate to. First a doctor who in my opinion is probaly unlicensed pulls bullets out of Porter. From there there is a montage type thing with Porter stealing from a panhandler, lifting a man's wallet, using his credit cards to buy suits and food, getting a gun from a thrift shop. Then he just starts strutting along like a true motherfucker and it plays this funky theme song and it just makes you go, "I love this fucking movie already." This scene sort of tells the rags to riches type story of a dude who lost everything who now uses his wits to build up a roll and get the basic tools needed for his mission.

That mission is the title of the film. What it is in case you forgot is he is going to get payback. What he needs payback or revenge for is this whole deal where his wife and his partner double crossed him and shot him so they could take all the money from a robbery. I don't know if you have experienced something like this but it is a real pisser in my opinion, some of you may know what I'm talking about. So you know you can see where this carter dude is coming from right away.

The structure of this filmwork is very simple and old fashioned and follows the same pattern as that opening montage. He takes each basic resource and builds up more resources - first a suit and a gun, later a police badge, various connections, etc. His partner used his money to pay off a crime syndicate called THe Outfit. It is only fair for him to ask for his money back so he climbs his way up to the very top of the outfit killing people until he gets it.

Let me tell you man it is really good to see Mel back playing a regular guy like Porter or Mad Max instead of a cop or a rich guy. Porter is a real Badass unlike I have seen in any other recent movies. I mean he does a lot of Badass type activities up to and including blowing up a car, intentionally crashing a car, pulling out a dude's nose ring, getting his toes crushed by a hammer, killing a dude for not having a lighter on him. The main thing about this movie, and the Badass movement in general, is attitude. Mel has a real dead look in his eye, doesn't talk too much, he knows how to smoke a cigarette just right and he can intimidate and/or mangle motherfuckers like nobody's business.

For one example, there is a scene where he comes in wanting to talk to a crime boss, but there is a HUGE black dude in the front office that tells him the man isn't in. Porter keeps trying to ask where is he, maybe he's at home, where is he exactly? But the bouncer won't give him the time of day. Porter shakes his head in frustration and disappointment.

Suddenly, cut to that bouncer walking into the back room holding a towel over his ear, blood dripping down his face, calling for his boss somebody's here to see you.

This is Porter's style, you don't even have to see what he did to a dude, you just can assume it was Badass. This dude can get past security in an elevator AND steals their cigarettes. Good work Porter.

This movie, and again the Badass movement, is also about style in my opinion. This is very much like an early '70s movie, with alot of funky music and the photographing is all washed out and tinted blue. The world is kind of a timeless place where there are rotary phones in the cars but nose rings on the heroin dealers. It is like real life where both the policing and criming industries are mostly filled with a bunch of pricks. But I do like this Porter in my opinion on account of he is good at what he does, which I should remind you is getting payback.

Now okay not everything about Payback is that good. Some of the guitaristry I thought was out of date but not out of date enough to be cool. Also the technique on blowing up the car was the oldest trick in the book although I do give points for the explosion itself just on principle. But I would highly recommend this piece, it is definitely one of the best movies and characters of this year and hopefully it will show audiences that the Badass community are still a vital audience in the millennial Cinema films of the year 2-G.

How's this for a horror story: this is a documentary about the time Oliver North ran for senator. It follows him on the campaign trail, with full access to the men operating his campaign. You see inside his bus, on the podium, and backstage. You see his opponents, particularly the democrat Chuck Robb. You see a journalist from the Washington Post who seems sort of shocked by the support for North, but seems to eventually be charmed by it. And you see his supporters.

So in a way this movie is like a way scarier version of TREKKIES. It's one thing to fantasize about a gangbang with Chewbacca but it's quite another to want Oliver North in a position of power again. The sad thing is that these are not just a few isolated freaks, there are hundreds of them in Virginia. Old ladies who defend the confederate flag, and complain that blacks see racism in everything. Middle age guys who sing right wing anthems in the style of Talking Heads. Young people who chant "Ollie! Ollie! Ollie!" instead of "Ali!" like they're supposed to.

The feel of the movie is alot like BOB ROBERTS, but with less singing. It's pretty good.

It is really weird to watch these political fuckers do their damndest to portray North as a hero. They produce one of the hostages he traded arms to the ayatollah for, to show that he saves lives. Sure, along the way maybe he brought crack into our country to finance an army in Nicaragua that he trained to kill and torture civilians. That may have cost a few lives here or there. But in general, he saved lives!

In one frustrating scene, a student asks North if having lied to Congress creates a credibility issue. North says that he never lied to Congress, apparently forgetting the famous televised hearing in which North stated proudly that yes, he lied to Congress, and he'd do it again. Backstage, a reported asks North why he lied about never lying to Congress. North lies that he was not lying about not lying to Congress, he thought they were asking about the hearing, in which he told the truth in saying that he had lied to congress.

There are a few vindicating scenes too. I liked the one where moronic democrats and republicans have a yelling match on the street. The democrats yell "Robb doesn't lie! Robb doesn't lie!" (a mantra they learned from their man Robb.) The republicans yell about some sex scandal Robb was involved in, that he was screwing in some hotel. Suddenly a fat redneck passerby chimes in with some common sense. "Don't you see what Oliver North is doing, he's screwing the whole world! Jesus christ!"

It's frustrating to watch how both sides seem to completely ignore the real issues. You hear alot about whether or not Chuck Robb had an affair and snorted cocaine, but nothing about his politics. And even to North's detractors, the scandal of Oliver North seems to be mostly about trading arms for hostages. Not about drug smuggling, secretly funding an illegal war behind congress's back, targeting civilians, planning to round up left wing dissidents in concentration camps, etc.

North's gimmick is that he's "giving back the government to the people." Never mind that his claim to fame was commandeering government away from the people, following an insane right wing crusade behind the backs of even the corrupt semi-elected officials that are supposed to represent the people. He did this, he became infamous, and now he can run for office.

It makes you wonder if O.J. could run for office. Or Robert Blake. Too bad Jeffrey Dahmer was killed in prison. I bet the Enron and Arthur Andersen boys will be in politics soon.

In the end, thank the lord jesus, North loses the race. And the man behind his campaign has no idea that it's because some people are still sane enough not to want North in office. He kicks himself for not running a negative enough campaign, blaming the loss on anti-Oliver North ads. Like his flaws needed to be pointed out for voters to see them.

This review is by special request of several individuals on the STONE COLD DVD talkback and other people over the years who have tried to get me to watch this movie. The Perfect Weapon of the title in this 1991 white martial arts movie is Jeff Speakman, an American Kenpo Karate sixth degree black belt who I guess is playing himself, since they just call him Jeff. The movie opens with Jeff shirtless and oiled up, in a living room doing karate moves to that horrible song "I Got the Power (It's Gettin It's Gettin It's Gettin Kinda Hectic It's Gettin It's Gettin It's Getting Kinda Hectic I Got the Power!)" by the group Snap!. It's funny because this movie is only 85 minutes long but they still felt they had time for him to do moves to that entire song. As it ends he puffs his chest out like he just won a medal.

Then Jeff goes for a ride in his convertible and as he soaks in the open road he thinks about his past. So we learn that after his mom died he was a troublemaking kid, and his cop dad wanted to send him to military school. Fortunately Pops's Korean war buddy Kim (the great Mako) convinced him to send Jeff to Kenpo Karate Dojo instead. To learn self discipline.

But in high school some jock assholes picked on his brother so he did some flying kicks, broke a football helmet and hospitalized the guy. So his dad worried that he was gonna kill somebody some day and kicked him out of the house.

So now as an adult Jeff is estranged from his family but sees Kim, now owner of successful Koreatown business Kim's Imports, as sort of a father figure. Luckily he happens to call Kim to chat at the same time that the Korean mafia is shaking him down. Kim convinces Jeff to stay out of it but, obviously, the mafia guys kill him so Jeff has to bring them to justice and/or get his white karate revenge.

Jeff Speakman seems to be good at karate, but he does not have much of a screen presence. That's why he never had an UNDER SIEGE type breakout. I guess he's supposed to have a dark side, and he tries to talk like Clint Eastwood sometimes, but he still seems like the nice jock boyfriend character in a horror movie. The good guy counselor in a movie like THE BURNING or a FRIDAY THE 13TH sequel who gallantly helps the final girl but gets killed 2/3 of the way in. He's not terrible, but he's pretty bland. I can't really picture many people watching the movie and thinking man, Jeff Speakman is so cool. I want to be Jeff Speakman.

If you don't know what he looks like, just picture a white karate guy from the '80s, but then imagine he has no mustache. That's Jeff Speakman. Actually, when he's not in closeup he looks alot like the captain guy from SERENITY. Similar hairdo and jacket, anyway. Maybe he was the stunt double, I don't know.

There are plenty of funny parts in this movie, but to be frankly honest I do not think it's the classic I was led to believe it was. You probaly had to see it at the time to really be attached to it. There was a part where he was beating on a couch with two sticks which kind of made me smile, but not like it did for the people who love this movie. I did like when the old businessman villain suddenly had a knife pop out of his sleeve. My favorite part though is when Jeff pole vaults over a barbwire fence. It had been established in the high school flashback that he was a pole vaulter, but I didn't really believe he would use it. It would be even cooler if he did it a whole bunch of times. Hey, there is a car driving at me, let me grab this pipe that's on the ground and pole vault over it. Anyway, that was cool. That woulda been fucked up if he hit the barbed wire, too. That's a good stunt.

Although the main villain is the old man with the knife up his sleeve, the guy he mainly fights is the old man's henchman, Professor Toru Tanaka as the imaginatively named character "Tanaka." You may know the professor from his scholarly work in THE RUNNING MAN or as the fat rich kid's butler in PEE-WEE'S INCREDIBLE JOURNEY. He's the Hawaiin (supposedly Japanese) ex-pro-wrestler with the giant head and shoulders. In this movie he is always wearing a nice suit and he looks like he could bite the head off of a car. In fact, when he gets trapped in a sideways car with another car balanced on top of it he actually opens the door and pushes the other car aside. He's like the incredible hulk. The cops shock him and take him into custody but when he comes to he busts out of the back of the cop car. Honestly it's probaly for the best because if they put him in a cell he woulda busted out of there like Kool Aid Man. Easier to get a new car than fix a hole in a brick wall.

He's so tough in fact that even though he's the #2 villain he survives longer than the #1 villain and has the climactic showdown (and a pretty good death by chemical explosion).

And it got me wondering. How come nobody ever made a movie starring this guy? I looked through his filmography and it looks like he never got a lead role (he died in 2000). He was in the tradition of Oddjob from GOLDFINGER, always playing the faithful asskicking Asian bodyguard. Many of his character names ended with the word "Guard," "Aide," "Servant," or "Bodyguard," if not a #1 or #2.

But in my opinion he was the Perfect Weapon. Well, okay, he got blown up, so he wasn't quite perfect. But human weapons are only human. He is almost the perfect weapon. To me he stole the movie. I was more interested in watching him than watching Jeff Speakman. I'm sure any filmatist faced with the task of creating a Professor Toru Tanaka vehicle would've thought he wasn't a good enough actor, but clearly nobody worried about that with Jeff Speakman. Let's be fair here. If Jeff could pull it off then so could the Professor. And it would be so much more interesting to watch a guy like this, because you don't ever see a guy like this as a lead. What is it like to live your life at that size? It helps him kick ass, but also it's hard to find a seat that fits him. It must be expensive for him to get those nice suits tailored. And let's face it, it's gonna be a handicap in the dating scene. He's more badass than Jeff -- he knows jiujitsu but if he'd rather he could just palm your face and shake you around -- but you also feel more sorry for him. Damn, somebody should've tried it at least once.

Jeff Speakman graduated from "Mansion Security Man" in LIONHEART to "Jeff" in this one. And Mariska Hargitay went from non-speaking karate friend "Jennifer" in this movie to Emmy winner for LAW AND ORDER SPECIAL VICTIM UNIT. So why couldn't Toru Tanaka go from "Tough Asian Man" in THE LAST ACTION HERO to, say, Jason Patric's role in SPEED 2? Wouldn't that have been better?

This month I've done a pretty good job of picking out the best mid-level Stephen King pictures, the INCBIS's (it's not CARRIE, but it's solid). I didn't think PET SEMATARY would hold up very well, but I was wrong, this was another good one. Good job, PET SEMATARY. Here's a treat.

It's a relief to see a Stephen King story where the main guy is not a writer and his marriage is not in trouble. This is the story of happily married doctor Louis Creed and his family of 2 kids and a cat moving to a new town in a house right along a popular trucking route. The road is so dangerous there's a large pet sematary (sic) nearby, so they start worrying about their cat Winston Churchill. Their worries are not unfounded. But also they should keep an eye on their youngest kid in my opinion. (implied spoiler)

So you got pets and children getting run over, a real fun time at the movies, right? But wait, there's more. The ghost of a guy the doctor tried to help has been warning him in his nightmares about how he should not do this one thing which, coincidentally his across-the-street neighbor (Herman Munster) shows him how to do: he buries his cat in a Native American burial ground so it will later come back to life.

The cat does come back (the very next day, they thought it was a goner, etc.), but now it's mean and its eyes glow and it smells like shit. Not sure if it's cat shit or regular shit but the point is Church smells terrible. Not a fitting tribute to the noted statesman and orator. This zombie cat situation is no good, but at least Dr. Louis didn't have to admit to his daughter that her cat was dead. So it's a mixed bag.

The real trouble comes when the kid dies, because obviously you know the mistake he's gonna make. It's a good concept because if this magic really existed of course you would have to try it. You know it's gonna be a disaster to bring your kid back from the dead, but how can you not test it out? In fact, there's a whole long sequence where Mr. Munster is leading Dr. Louis on a difficult hike to bury the cat, and he hasn't explained why they're leaving the pet sematary (sp). And it seems weird that the doctor wouldn't question what's going on. Especially considering that he has already had a dream where the ghost warned him about not doing this. So the conclusion I come to is that he understands what's going on, and knows he shouldn't do it, but the temptation is too strong, so he plays along. And I buy it.

I'm not sure the ghostly premonitions are necessary to the story, but the makeup on that guy is sure disturbing (his skin is dead white and his fatal headwound is still visible). But the creepiest part is the little kid, Gage. He comes back and mutilates poor Mr. Munster with a scalpel, but he's still a baby. I know it's not real, they use a dummy in some shots, but there are enough real shots and recordings of his playful laugh to creep me the fuck out.

If you give it too much thought some of it is kind of silly. For example, the pet sematary is a really cool set design, all pieced together out of weathered scrap wood, with a walkthrough entrance and the graves set up in impressive circles. But all of the signs are done in little kid handwriting. This thing was built by kids? Not credible. Kids wish they could build shit. But they can't. They're kids. I don't care what you've seen on TV. If they could build they would build a fort, but they can't, so they build nothing, especially not a sematary or grayvyarrd.

And by the way, what's with this guy being okay with burying his cat in a beautiful Native American burial ground? Forget magic and curses, what kind of an asshole thinks it's okay to bust open a huge carefully designed memorial from another culture and stick his daughter's runover cat in it? NOT very culturally sensitive, in my opinion. And by the way, also not cool in a white man's graveyard.

But those are little things, no dealbreakers as far as I'm concerned. It's a well-executed movie and as my closing argument I will mention what I think is the most memorably horrifying scene: the (first) death of Gage. I think everybody can relate to the fear of a kid getting hurt. I know this because I don't have kids but I get nervous just seeing other people's kids goofing around next to roads or ledges. I see some toddler making a run for the street and calculate if the parent is gonna get there or if I should run out there and play Superman. So watching this scene there is alot of tension in the air seeing this little kid over on the grass here, the road right over there, the kite string gets away and rolls toward the street just as the parents are looking at the other kid, the toddler follows the string... in fact this scene has a perfect example of the kind of geography so lacking in modern movies. There's an overhead shot that could almost be a map, showing the road and the field, the truck coming down the road, the kid running toward the road... oh shit, what an effective scene. Not pleasant.

I always wanted to see this one but never got around to it back in the day, and now it is available on DVD for the first time since its original release, as well as the first time ever. And it was worth the wait, because this is the best picture I have seen Mr. Rudy Ray Moore involved in.

Rudy plays Petey Wheatstraw, a famous comedian and rhyming Badass much like Dolemite without the criminal record. In the introduction he is a godlike narrator in some netherworld rhyming about all the great things he can do because he's the devil's son in law. Then it shows him being born on a stormy night. First thing he does is bite the doctor. He comes out looking about 13 years old and beats the doctor's ass for slapping him.

But then for some reason he is just an ordinary comedian and there is an explanation for how he becomes the devil's son in law. What happens you see is Petey is putting on a show at the same time that two flamboyant fat businessmen Leroy and Skillet (played by Leroy and Skillet) are putting on their review. Leroy and Skillet are very competitive so they send their thugs after Petey's friends who are putting up signs to advertise the show. There is a struggle and a little boy, no more than 13 years old, gets shot and killed.

I thought damn, they would NEVER do that kind of shit in a movie these days. Right at the beginning a little kid gets graphically shot and killed. It's a real downer. Then there is a very sad funeral scene and all the sudden, a car pulls up and the thugs get out and machine gun every last motherfucker at the funeral! Ladies and gentleman we are talking Cinema with balls.

So you see Petey Wheatstraw dies, but because he is such a Badass the devil decides to cut him a deal. If Petey will marry his daughter and give him a grandson, he can return to earth with a magic cane that gives him great powers. Of course Petey is willing to do it - until he sees a picture of the daughter and says, "Hell no, kill me now!"

He ends up taking the deal anyway and his friends are very accepting about this whole devil business. He tells them don't worry, I'll figure out how to get out of marrying his daughter later, right now we have to take care of Leroy and Skillet. That is the type of story we have here, where the magical is commonplace and the heroes are capable of extraordinary feats and can speak in rhyme. Petey Wheatstraw is a legendary figure like Hercules or Paul Bunyan. Later on he pulls a tar baby type trick where he dopes up a wino and makes him a Petey Wheatstraw mask, then sends him to the devil to get married, saying he's in deep meditation.

There is also many Dolemitical touches. My favorite joke is when Petey is sitting around snapping about how ugly the devil's daughter is. Then he picks up the phone and starts dialin.

And then there's a scene where Petey catches a bunch of junkies stripping his car. He chases them, rhymes at them, beats their asses, then forces them to put the car back together in front of a large crowd as he recites a poem about how "if they do it to me, they'll do it to you, so put your foot up they ass the next time they do." His karate seems better than I remember it being in Dolemite, and as always his rhyming is top notch. He has a great, deep voice where he can even say some shit like, "I'll give them an opening they'll NEVER forget!" and do it with so much conviction it sounds like the baddest thing anybody ever said ever.

There are some groanworthy type jokes in this, and too many watermelon jokes, but I think alot of motherfuckers would enjoy this, a high quality picture from the blaxploitation genre. It's funny and it's Badass and it's worth your time.

The DVD has an audio commentary by Rudy Ray Moore himself. I really admire this because Rudy, like me, is a motherfucker who likes to storm into places where he doesn't fit in and make room for himself. I mean how many guys have you heard doing audio commentary tracks and during an action scene they say, "Watch me as I put my foot up this mothafucka's ass." I don't think I'll be hearing that again for a while.

That said, this is still a terrible commentary in my opinion because Rudy is such a minimalist these days. I think he does a little more commentary than he has screen time in Shaolin Dolemite, but not by much. I mean there are fifteen, twenty minute stretches where he doesn't say shit. And then he'll pop in just to say, "DVD lovers, back it up and watch it again," after a part he thinks is funny.

But when he does talk there is some priceless shit, he does some toasts and talks about what a genius he is ("I'm not conceited, I'm just convinced of my greatness"). The man still has it, he just prefers to use it in spurts.

PHANTASM stands alone in American horror - even of 1979 - because of its emphasis on the fuckin weird. Many horror movies are about the fear of a dude with a knife or ax. That makes sense. We know his immediate goal and why it threatens us. Or sometimes it's supernatural, or it's a monster. That brings in the fear of the unknown, but we still sort of know most of the time. It's gonna bite us.

But PHANTASM creeps us out by giving us a bad guy our minds aren't used to wrapping around: a mean old man at a funeral home who is unusually strong, bleeds yellow, his body parts can turn into bugs, he commands deadly flying metal orbs, and he steals bodies from graveyards and crushes them into weird little dwarves in Jawa robes who do his bidding. It's a scheme we have seen in less than 50 movies in the entire history of cinema up until this point so it isn't worn out yet.

It doesn't hurt that the hero, Mike, is a kid, a loner orphan who spies on his cool older brother Jody because he (correctly) suspects he's gonna ditch him again. He accidentally sees some of the weird shit going on in the funeral home but when he tries to tell his brother it has the feel of the kids who, to make life more interesting, start saying that their neighbor is a witch or the house at the end of the street is haunted. So you can't blame Jody for not believing him. But this movie, although completely deadpan and never outwardly comedic, has a hilarious way of dealing with that. First Jody suggests what Mike saw was "probably just a gopher in heat." Later he asks "Are you sure it wasn't that retarded kid Timmy up the street?" Then Mike gets chased by the Tall Man, slams a door on his hand, and slices off his fingers. The fingers are alive though and try to crawl away like worms, but he catches one in a box and brings it to his brother. Jody peeks into the box. Is it still in there? Is it still alive? Yes, it wiggles around. He shuts the box. "Okay, I believe you."

And that's all we need to transition from the "nobody will ever believe me" part of the story to the "let's hunt it down and kill it" part.

The budget is tiny, but they were smart about how to make the cheesy effects work. They're so surreal they have kind of a shock factor - you're not used to a metal sphere shooting at your head. And the weird shit happens pretty frequently, there's not as much sitting around talking as you might expect. The repetitive, sort of Goblin-esque keyboard score adds to the eeriness.

Even at the climax it doesn't turn into standard horror. The Tall Man has a portal into another world, the kid's sidekick (Reggie Bannister) is a middle-aged, guitar playing ice cream truck driver who is a survivor of male pattern baldness, and the kid uses such horror-fighting techniques as attaching a bullet to the end of a hammer and hitting it. Not exactly by-the-numbers cat-and-mouse-shit.

This is a truly inventive and enjoyable little movie, there's not really another one like it. But I'm not sure what Phantasm means.

There's actually not a subtitle on this one, I made that up. Anyway this is the first sequel, made 11 years later with the backing of Universal Studios. It's the year after EVIL DEAD 2 but it's the same kind of thing Universal did later with ARMY OF DARKNESS, taking a cult movie and its director, putting a little more money behind it and hoping to trick mainstream audiences into thinking they care. Nobody knows why they did it, but we're kind of glad they did.

The advantage of the Universal money is that they have some pretty good special effects. The disadvantage is that they have to ditch the original star, A. Michael Baldwin (a rogue Baldwin brother not related to Alec Baldwin), and replace him with James LeGros of DRUGSTORE COWBOY. You know, for that guaranteed James LeGros demographic who will just go to any James LeGros movie over and over again, and get all of their friends to come, just to watch James LeGros. It's like the old Hollywood saying goes, don't ever make a movie that doesn't star James LeGros. Trivia: no movie has ever made a profit without James LeGros, and vice versa.

No, I'm not sure why it is that they needed to replace him. LeGros does fine but I would've preferred a little continuity here. Other than the re-casting though this feels like pure Coscarelli. Remember how A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET ended with a weird, reality-bending thing, it seems like everything is fine but then Freddy appears in what we thought was the waking world to yank Nancy's mom through a window? PHANTASM has a similar ending where it turns out the whole thing was a dream, or so we think, but then the Tall Man comes out of Mike's mirror.

Unlike ELM STREET, the PHANTASM sequel actually continues from that ending. So I guess the first one was a dream, except the Tall Man is real. Or something. The movie starts by replaying the final scenes of part 1, Mike and Reggie talking about hitting the road, then Mike goes upstairs and has his mirror trouble. Reggie hears it and runs to get a weapon, only to get attacked by the dwarves (this time with an excellent animatronic monster face). It turns into a full blown action sequence and somehow I didn't notice while watching it that they only show Mike from the back because it's a stunt double.

To pull the actor switch they skip forward many years. LeGros as Mike has been locked up in an institution, pretending he doesn't believe in evil morticians from another dimension turning corpses into 4 foot tall monster slaves. But one day when Reggie comes to visit he finds Mike has snuck out to dig up graves. It seems like Reggie has somehow forgotten why he blew up his own house to kill evil dwarves, so Mike re-convinces him and they blow the joint, becoming a pair of badass drifters in a muscle car, following the Tall Man's trail throughout the northwest, trying to put him out of business. They're like the hunters in VAMPIRES or Blade, going around with various power tools, finding weird monsters and blowtorching them. Meanwhile Mike has prophetic dreams and a telepathic connection to a blond girl having Tall Man problems of her own. When the girl gets kidnapped I thought it would be like Dracula (the book - I know how to read) and they'd be hot on the trail using the psychic connection like a tracking device. But they don't bother.

The Michael and Reggie scenes seem to take the story from part 1 to the next level, but the early scenes with the girl sneaking around spying kind of rehash it. When they combine forces it gets better. They build more deadly contraptions (a booby trap made out of a beer can, string, and a hand grenade) and they fight more metal spheres. There's a new one that's gold, can burn through doors and has a buzz saw on it. Mike figures out how to throw the balls as a weapon. Heven captures one and uses it as a key to get into the portal room.

This is interesting because it proves the balls are just machines. If we understood how they worked we could learn to use them safely. In fact, if we knew how they worked we could really use that technology for the betterment of our civilization. Obviously some asshole would want them for the military, send them into Pakistan or some shit. But forget about the blades, this is some sort of a self-propelled flying device. It can hover. It can fly in perfectly straight lines at varied speeds with no apparent wings, jets, propellors or audible motors. Who knows what powers it? It might help our energy crisis, it might not. But surely applying this technology to vehicles would have a game-changing effect on the amount of pollution we put in the air.

If he wanted to, the Tall Man could stop global warming. He wouldn't even have to do it as an act of interdimensional kindness. He could take out the patent and become a trillionaire. And he'd be a hero. But the Tall Man will never do that because he's a zealot, a "dead ender," unable to let go of his backward, abusive way of life. The only way we can fix this is to go through that portal and change the hearts and minds of the Phantasmiacs. We've got to show them a better way than their slave-based economy. Until we destroy the demand for dwarf slaves the Tall Man will always need our dead bodies. And if he needs dead bodies he's not gonna give a fuck about global warming. It only makes his job easier. Plus it probaly reminds him of the windstorms and scarlet skies back home.

Coscarelli was friends with Sam Raimi, and EVIL DEAD 1-2 definitely seem to be an influence. There's a great metal ball POV shot that chases the heroes and breaks through doors, just like the Evil Dead spirit in part 2 I believe. More importantly they sort of turn Reggie Bannister into a tongue-in-cheek badass like Ash. He's not as arrogant but he's memorable because he's a man's man but he kind of looks like Clint Howard. He's not some square-jawed hunk and he doesn't try to hide his baldness, not even by shaving the sides. The baldness doesn't stop him from getting laid, in fact it helps. The car doesn't hurt either. Or his skill with a chainsaw.

PHANTASM II: THE SECRET MORTICIAN'S OTHER BALL is not a great sequel like EVIL DEAD 2. But it's a good one. We'll see if the other ones achieve the same standard of quality.

PHANTASM III

There's a built-in weakness with the PHANTASM series. A big part of the PHANTASM appeal is the reveal of the crazy fuckin weird ass shit (or CFWAS) that's goin down, and not really being able to comprehend it all. So in the course of each sequel they end up having to do two things that are sort of problematic:

1) explain more things, making it less mysterious and

2) pile on more CFWAS, stretching the credibility more and more to where it's not quite as easy to swallow.

So you got those things, but otherwise this is a very enjoyable and unexpectedly adventurous sequel. It picks up right where part 2 left off, except suddenly James LeGros has morphed back into A. Michael Baldwin, the original star of PHANTASM. And now I sort of get it, because he does not look like a movie hero, he looks like some dude. But the same some dude from the original, so it's good to have him back.

So Reggie and Michael continue their driving around from ghost town to ghost town, picking off evil dwarves with weapons like the four-barrelled-shotgun I forgot to mention Reggie had in the last one. But then Michael is hospitalized by a car accident and the ghost of Michael's dead brother Jody shows up (also played by the original actor, also looking like just some dude) and then he morphs into one of the silver balls but helps Michael to understand some things about what's going on (for example, after the Tall Man shrinks bodies down into dwarves he removes their tiny brains and puts them inside the silver balls). And the Tall Man convinces Michael to walk into the light with him and he disappears, so Reggie is on his own.

All this is real bizarre and all, but you know the movie is really cookin in the next section when it turns into Don Coscarelli's weirdo take on the HOME ALONE movies. (Seriously.) Some goofy cartoon gangsters (one of them wears a necklace with a dollar sign, another wears a lavender pinstripe sports coat with a Marilyn Monroe tie) attack Reggie, put him in their trunk, then go try to rob a house. An upside down dollhead on the ceiling chirps out "YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!" Then there's a clown on the ceiling with about 25 or 30 butcher knives sticking out of it. What the fuck? Suddenly it swings down at them. Then there's a creepy little dude with a doll's face at the top of the stairs scurrying into a trap door.

I have to admit the first time I watched this part I was falling in and out of sleep. I woke up and even though I knew I was watching a PHANTASM movie I still found myself asking "what the fuck?"

Well, they catch the little doll man but he turns out to be a kid named Tim. Unlike A. Michael Baldwin this does not look like a normal kid, this looks like some carefully groomed child star with his adorable haircut, his jean jacket... to give you an idea, the same year he did an episode of "Full House" and was in PREHYSTERIA 2. In other words, one look at this kid and no self respecting horror fan wants him in a part 3 to their favorite movie. He seems like the little brother they added later on in FAMILY TIES when they got desperate. How did this kid get in this movie? And yet...

Like the kid in HOME ALONE he defends himself from the buffoonish burglars through flying objects and contraptions. For example, he throws a home made tomahawk at the lead criminal - the camera follows it EVIL DEAD style as it flips through the air, but the guy ducks out of the way just in time... for it to smack into the face of his girlfriend and kill her. Nice shot, adorable kid!

Out in the yard they're gonna shoot the kid but he throws a pink frisbee covered in blades which spins around, puts on a big show... and then graphically slices the motherfucker's throat open, horribly and painfully killing him. Didn't even hit him in the balls first! Coscarelli is not on the commentary track for part 3 which is too bad because I'd really like to hear his thoughts on this one. To me it plays like a commentary on those movies which were incredibly violent but with no consequences. This is the same stupid shit but with blood and death. (Of course, they do come back as zombies, another consequence of violence that in my opinion is never adequately addressed in the HOME ALONEs.)

And you know what, even in 1994 I'm not sure how they got away with a gun toting little kid character. Reggie even tells him "little kids shouldn't be playing with guns," and he says "I ain't been a kid for a long time." And that's their only excuse. Also he knows how to drive. This is all so silly but it leads to one of the great bonding moments of the entire series. Reggie has ditched Tim at an orphanage, and ends up in battle with a silver ball. Just when it looks like he's fucked, Tim appears out of nowhere, shoots some bullseyes on the ball and rescues Reggie.

As they're leaving Tim asks Reggie if he's gonna leave him at the orphanage again. Reggie thinks about it for a second, then tosses the kid the keys to his car.

That would probaly be enough to make this sequel worthwhile, but Coscarelli wants to go the extra mile. So he also introduces another badass survivor, Rocky (Gloria Lynne Henry), a black woman, possibly a lesbian, armed with a high top fade and a pair of nunchakas. Reggie tries to get down her camouflaged pants, but all he gets is some hallucination sex and a friendly hug.

PHANTASM III might be a little choppy and alot goofy, too goofy to be as creepy as the first two. But I think it more than delivers in the "did I really just see that?" department. It's got a ball going right through a head and leaving a Looney Tunes style hole, it's got the most spectacular car flip and explosion of the series to date (and this time on a pink hearse!)*, it's got our heroes heating up canned beans in a crematory and refrigerating them in a walk-in freezer full of dead bodies. (Personally I wouldn't eat those.) There's a funny moment where the kid is going into the freezer and walks past Michael, asleep on a slab with a silver ball balanced on his head. He takes a look then just kind of shrugs and continues. I guess compared to alot of the things he's seen (or done himself) that one's not all that weird.

Part III also has some interesting developments in the ongoing story - implying that the Tall Man is grooming Michael as a replacement of some kind. He's starting to transform, and by the end seems to have silver balls for eyes. Because of that it was real smart to bring back A. Michael Baldwin, this seems much more meaningful when you can look at his weathered face and remember the innocent kid he started out as.

You know what, in my review for part 2 I lashed out at the Tall Man's backward way of life, but this one made me a little more agnostic. Of course he seems like a mean old bastard to me, and I stand by everything I said about him using his silver ball technology to help our environmental crisis. But in this one he asks Michael to leave his flesh and no longer be burdened by time and space. And that made me realize that really I have no idea what it's like to be a Tall Man.

For all I know he's right. Maybe we'll all be happier when he transforms us and we just don't know it yet because we're stuck in this time and space bullshit. There's really no way to know without experiencing it. I'm not saying he's right, I'm just saying he could be right, I'm not really in a position to judge him. I will say that if he's right he still has poor manners and should learn better people skills to help in spreading his gift.

Anyway, here is a sequel that was barely released in theaters, it's almost a DTV sequel, but it's way more entertaining and adds more to the series than your average theatrical sequel. Good work everybody.

*Honestly, I can't think of another straight horror movie with a car stunt this spectacular. When I saw it I said out loud "How the fuck did they do that?" My two theories were (in order of perceived likelihood) empty car chassis dragged on cable, miniature model. But according to IMDb's trivia it was a real jump off a ramp that travelled 160 feet and was performed by Bob Ivy, who later played the title-mummy in BUBBA HO-TEP.

get it, OBLIVION, and it's part 4
If there are any Romans out there I think you'll get the joke. Little numeral humor there on the part of the Phantasmers

I hate to be a tattle tale but PHANTASM part 4 here is a total fuckin cheater. If you saw part 3 you may remember the ending: Reggie is pinned against a wall by a swarm of metal balls. He tells the little HOME ALONE kid Tim to leave, that they've lost. But the kid won't leave. Then I guess a dwarf might've jumped out and grabbed him or something, I don't remember for sure. But the point is he was there.

When part 4 picks up right there, suddenly there is no kid. He's not shown, he's not mentioned. Reggie doesn't look for him, say anything about him, mourn him if he's dead. I guess the kid probaly had acne scars and a mustache by this time and it would've been hard to pass him off as the same kid in the same time period. So they just erased him.

I'm sure there are some people who like part 4 better than part 3, because it's a little less goofy. No nunchakas, flipping pink hearses or throat-slitting pink frisbees. This is the one that realizes nobody is watching these movies who's not kind of a nerd, and they just say "fuck it" and just throw ten tons of PHANTASM nerdery onto the screen. What will happen to Mike, but who is the Tall Man anyway, and where do the balls come from, and whatever happened to all those deleted scenes from part one, and as a side note could we please have some time travel to complicate this fucker? Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of good stuff in here, but by now the plot has gotten so complicated and incoherent that it seems kind of weird to have to sum it all up and then continue and try to add to it.

Come to think of it, PHANTASM might be the only horror series before SAW that actually continues in each chapter instead of starting over with new characters most of the time. PHANTASM makes it way more interesting but it does have that problem of piling things up too high. I mean honestly at this point thinking back I can't even make sense of part 1 in context. Did his brother die in the car accident or get killed by the Tall Man, and why is he a ghost, or is he not a ghost, and then in this one he turns out to be evil? Or not his brother? And is that only this time or was that all along? Not sure.

This one splits up the team for most of the movie, so you got Reggie doing one thing and Michael standing around thoughtfully in the desert or on a beach or something. And he starts to uncover some things about the Tall Man.

I got some advice for anybody who finds themselves doing a later sequel to a horror movie. If your horror icon has been mysterious all along, DON'T fall into the trap of explaining where he comes from. We didn't watch part 2 and part 3 and whatever hoping, yearning to find out what it was like when the same actor who plays this great monster was in different makeup or acting different when they were human. So we don't want to know in HELLRAISER III that Pinhead used to be a soldier named Phinneus T. Pinhead (or whatever - it's been a while) before he turned into an unfathomable monster from hell, and we don't want to know that the Tall Man was a civil war doctor who travelled into another dimension and became the Tall Man. Maybe we thought we did, but now that we know those things we wish we could unknow them. Do us a favor and don't tell us in the first place from now on.

This goes for robots too. If you got a humanoid robot, don't fucking tell me he was based on his inventor or the founder of the company that built him and then we're supposed to be excited when the same actor plays the non-robot version of the character. It's a dumb cliche and I'm not sure it even makes sense. If YOU were building an amazing android would you make it look like YOU? I don't think you would. At best you would make it a much more chiseled and cool version of yourself. But enough about robots.

I do sort of like seeing the kid from part 1 fully grown, and it's kind of amazing how much he looks like the Tall Man. They never could've known that would happen when they made the first one, or that anyone would care at this point. Michael is worried that he's turning into a Tall Man or an associate of the Tall Man, so he goes out into the desert, finds a solitary tree and tries to hang himself. Doesn't work though, which is a bad sign, and we flash back to his childhood when he strung up The Tall Man but it didn't kill him. See, it turns out they shot a ton of scenes for the first one that were never used, and they fit a bunch of them into this story. It's a weird feeling seeing a movie like this. It's kind of a brilliant idea, like a movie shot over 20 years to show the characters aging in real time. But also it's kind of like a shitty straight to video movie made mostly of pre-existing footage. It's right in the middle between those two.

Everybody knows the best character is Reggie, so the movie's better when it's about him. Once again he saves a hot girl from an about-to-explode car and brings her into the fold. It made me realize that Reggie has the most frustrating sex life of any horror movie hero. Most horror movie protagonists are one-timers, they don't return in the sequels, and they don't have alot of time for sex. Or in the case of slasher movies of course it has been pointed out that they are usually the more chaste one, like Laurie in HALLOWEEN for example doesn't have a boyfriend or anything. Reggie is a horny dude and comes surprisingly close to success with women for a bald dude, but he ends up spending alot of times sharing hotel rooms with women who reject him. In part 2 he got some wild sex, but she turned out to be a monster or something. In part 3 he thought he was gonna get some, but the handcuffs turned out not to be a kinky sex thing, they were a way to keep him off her while she sleeps. Also I think he got a blowjob but it turned out to be from a zombie. In this one he gets rejected again, wakes up and notices how hot the girl is, then her boobs turn out to be Phantasm balls. It's just not working out well for this guy.

I don't think Reggie has as much to do in this one, but he does have one great badass moment where he's got the quadruple-barreled shotgun leaning on his shoulder, he flares his nostril as if smelling something and then fires over his shoulder without looking, hitting one of the dwarves.

Don Coscarelli has a rare ownership of the series. I've compared it to the EVIL DEAD series a couple times and it's a good comparison because that's one of the only other series where the same director did every installment. You just don't see that too often. And you can't say he's a one hit wonder - BEASTMASTER and BUBBA HO-TEP also have big cult followings, so even if he has no new material PHANTASM isn't necessarily the only well for him to keep going back to. He must like them metal balls.

I didn't enjoy part 4 as much as the other 3, but it does have some interesting ideas and I would welcome a part 5 with open arms. It could be called PHANTASM'S REVENGE.

PHENOMENA

If you know your horror you know about Dario Argento, the crazy Italian fuck responsible for SUSPIRIA, DEEP RED and Asia Argento. Even if you don't dig his movies or daughter you have to give him credit for putting together Goblin, the band who made the distinctive scores for alot of his movies as well as DAWN OF THE DEAD and that movie where Art Carney refuses to leave before Mount St. Helens erupts. I also really like INFERNO, the movie I brought up the most when trying to convince people that SILENT HILL was a surreal nightmare world and not just a moronic video game adaptation with stiff dialogue that made no sense like they thought it was.

I thought I had seen most of the big ones by Argento and I had kind of avoided this one PHENOMENA that didn't have as good of a reputation. Maybe part of the problem is that it's better known in the U.S. as CREEPERS, the version where they cut out about a half an hour. But at least in its uncut form I really dug this strange fucking movie about an American girl (Academy Award winner Jennifer Connelly) sent to a Swiss boarding school during a murder spree.

So far it sounds simple and normal, but let me explain the good parts. One of the people investigating the murders is the famous entomologist John McGregor (Donald Pleasance - Dr. Loomis in HALLOWEEN, the president in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK). When they find, say, a severed head in a river, he is able to tell by the life cycles of maggots how long it has been chopped off. He's also quadriplegic so he has a chimpanzee for an assistant. And maybe it's just me, but I think the chimp is a suspect. In the opening murder you never see the killer at all, you just see the point of the scissors he or she uses as a murder weapon. And you see the chains that hold the killer to a basement wall before it breaks loose, and these are some pretty small chains. A monkey might be able to break them. Then the first thing you see in the very next scene is the chimp running outside during a stormy night at the professor's bug palace.

Bugs are actually more important to the movie than monkeys. See, that's the thing that's unusual about this girl is she loves insects. They land on her hand and she pets them. When she comes into the professor's lab all his bugs (except the fake, inanimate ones behind her from one camera angle) freak out and react to her mood. A beetle tries to hit on her. Later, a firefly leads her to an important piece of evidence. When the other kids in the school make fun of her for being friends with bugs she says "I love you" and swarms of flies cover the windows. Later in the movie she takes a bus tour with a fly named "The Great Sarcophagi" who is going to help her find the killer. I'm not making this up. I dare you to remake this shit, Michael Bay. You don't have the balls.

There's another really crazy element besides bugs and monkeys that comes in later on, but I don't want to give it away. I will however give away something that happens with the monkey, because it will probaly sell some of you on the movie. See, late in the movie the chimp has been locked out of the house and she's freaking out, screaming and breaking the windows. The professor tries to come down to let her inside but his wheelchair platform gets stuck. Then he sees a shadowy figure in the house. Oh shit, it's the killer. The chimp tries to stop it but this unseen killer stabs the professor to death. Now, perhaps because the professor shined his laser pointer on the killer's face, but more likely because of a samurai type loyalty to her master, the monkey tries to chase after the killer, even jumps on the windshield like an action hero. The killer gets away but the monkey keeps tracking, and also happens to find a switchblade in a garbage can. So you can guess what happens when she catches up with her master's killer. Hint: you didn't see this shit in MVP (Most Valuable Primate).

It's funny, there's a joke about one of the students being obsessed with the Bee Gees, but it was actually made in 1985. There's some cheesy heavy metal on the soundtrack, Iron Maiden and those types of bands. It might have been an inspiration for some of the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET sequels that also have perky misunderstood outsider girls running around surreal gothic houses while dealing with mean adults, supernatural threats and high pitched singing over electric guitars. I'm not into that stuff but I really like the bombastic progressive rock n roll meets opera score by Goblin. I thought they had lost it by the '80s but I guess not. They've only done a couple scores since this one so my suspicion that they petered out is not really accurate.

It's not just the music and the bizarre plot that make the whole thing feel surreal and off-kilter. There are lots of weird little touches in Argento movies that make you feel off balance. Like, 13 minutes into the movie, out of the blue, there is a narrator who explains that Jennifer has arrived at the boarding school. It's not information that needed to be explained, and you never hear the narrator again. Also you get some strangeness because of the multi-lingual way movies were shot in Italy at the time. Obviously Connelly and Pleasance are speaking English, but some of the characters are dubbed. And maybe they lost some of the soundtrack for the uncut version because every once in a while everybody switches to Italian. And the dialogue gets real stiff, with girls casually going from friendly gossip to talking about a murderer being loose in the school without changing tone. And people react weird - they don't freak out from the bug swarms, nobody seems to care that much after a student has been murdered, etc. These kinds of things probaly aren't intentional and I'm sure are laughable to alot of people but to me the alien-ness of these movies adds to their creepiness.

Like all horror movies, this is based on real events. They don't advertise it, but I figured it out on my own. See, Connelly's character Jennifer Corvino is the daughter of a famous movie star named Paul Corvino. They describe him as a muscular sex symbol matinee idol, but they can't hide the truth. This is clearly the story of Paul Sorvino's daughter. This shit really happened. That's right, you heard me, Mira Sorvino has bug powers. Why do you think she went and did MIMIC shortly after getting an Oscar? Because she likes working with bugs. Yes, she also wanted to work with up and coming genius Guillermo Del Toro in his first bastardized American studio work, but she only knew about CRONOS because the bugs told her about it. That is a fact, in my opinion. That's why PHENOMENA is still relevant today, because Mira Sorvino does TV movies every once in a while. And the people deserve to know the truth.

Ever since I first saw American Pimp I have been meaning to see this competing "pimpumentary" which came out the same year and was covered in the same articles. Someone even told me it was way better because the pimps are crazier and flashier. But now that I've finally seen it I gotta say, I disagree. This is the poor man's American Pimp. The made-for-tv American Pimp. This is the Carnosaur to American Pimp's Jurassic Park. If American Pimp is The Beatles, Pimps Up is a Monkees cover band. When they're older and less inspired, and thinking of breaking up.

The filmatics in this one simply is not as good. American Pimp was finely sculpted in such a way as to explain the pimp culture, how they are viewed in society, what is important to them, how their job works, etc. Pimps Up doesn't explain shit. It's just a bunch of interviews, some of them very entertaining, but thrown together pretty much at random. Since I saw it on dvd it is the director's cut, which I think just means they added in about 30 minutes of extra ass shaking. Alot of it takes place at strip clubs or at pimp conventions where they just have strippers shaking their asses alot. Which, sorry fellas, but it gets old. There are other documentaries which cover that territory better, many of them from companies like Vivid or Hustler.

Speaking of porn, American Pimp had classic blaxploitation era funk and soul, but Pimps Up has cheesy fusion funk straight off of a bad porn movie. And I say a bad porn movie to differentiate from the good porn movies, which in fact have classic blaxploitation era funk and soul.

Also, I hate to say it but the pimps were better in American Pimp. Alot of these ones seem like the rejects from the American Pimp casting call. I guess at the same time that is one of the virtues of this picture, because these are the freako pimps like White Folks, who does not give credit to Iceberg Slim even though he takes his name from Trick Baby. In the book White Folks was a light skinned conman who passed for white to infiltrate the racist white upper class and steal their scratch. Here, he's just a white dude who pimps. He is supposedly accepted in the pimp society, but I don't know why, because he looks bad in those fucking clothes. He wears them too tight and that makes him look older than he really is. If I saw him on the street, I swear I wouldn't even know what he was supposed to be. Even if he was reciting some rhyme about "I sell pussy by the gram, pimpin White Folks is who I am," it would probaly still take me a couple minutes before I thought, "Oh, you're a pimp, not a golfer. I get it."

Then there's a lady pimp who dresses just like all the other macks, and wins a condescending "Female Pimp of the Year" trophy in one scene. But it's kinda disappointing to find out that her "stable" are just strippers and not hoes. So she's really only one step closer to illegal than being a manager at Hooters.

What's best about this one is showing the ridiculous side of these guys taking their industry so seriously. Again I gotta compare them to the fuckos in Trekkies because they are so involved in this world that they lose all touch with the outside world. There is a scene where a guy talks completely seriously about having a pimp seminar so they can teach people how to tell their wife and kids they are leaving them to become a pimp. There is footage of industry award ceremonies and even a "Player Cruise" on a love boat type water vessel. White Folks says that being a pimp is just like being a policeman or a fireman, accept less accepted by society. And almost all of them claim to have wanted to be a pimp since they were a kid, or to have started by pimping their babysitter when they were 11.

There is one celebrity guest, the rap singer Ice-T who claims he used to be a pimp, and attends their industry events. He tries to show off for all the pimps and tells a pretty good, but probaly bullshit, story about how he used his skills as a hand grenade salesman to talk his way into the record industry.

I would recommend this picture to all Outlaw Cinemaphiliacs interested in the pimpumentary genre, however ONLY as a supplement to American Pimp which is, not sure if I mentioned this but, it is the better one, American Pimp.

After watching the TERMINATOR movies for the first time in years I was so excited about James Cameron I decided I should go back and re-watch the Cameron movies I didn't like, see if maybe my perspective has changed. Maybe there was some magic there I just wasn't picking up on.

So of course I had to go back to the beginning, the smash debut, the one that started it all for director James Cameron. Orson Welles started out with CITIZEN KANE, James Cameron started out with PIRANHA PART TWO THE SPAWNING. What can you say, man, it was a different era.

It's always mildly amusing to remind everybody that an oscar winning director started out making a b-movie sequel about flying killer fish, but honestly I'm just being a smartass, I actually think that's cool. It's something to be proud of, especially if you can later look back and see how that movie connects to their later ones, which is the case here. I saw this one a long time ago and I don't remember thinking it was very interesting, but I changed my mind this time. In my opinion it's actually kind of good. Seriously. No joke. The original PIRANHA is a little better because the premise lends itself better to the kind of dry humor that Joe Dante and John Sayles were going for than for actual drama. Early on there's some painfully broad comedy and cheesy '80s moments. There's a stereotypical Jewish lady picking up a POLICE ACADEMY style nerd, there's a "cool" '80s girl rocking out on headphones, the precursor to Sarah Connor's roommate in THE TERMINATOR. But it quickly settles in to a more serious James Camerony type of movie. Except with no money and it's about flying super-piranhas.

Of course to guys like me James Cameron is important because of ALIENS and the TERMINATOR movies. And then it seemed like we lost him forever when he directed TITANIC and spent the next ten years pissing away his talents analyzing submarines and shipwrecks. But then I go back and watch this again and finally make the connection that he's been obsessed with that deep sea shit since the first scene of his first movie. The best way to explain the marriage between James Cameron and PIRANHA is to say that P2 starts out with scuba divers going into a shipwreck to screw. Any director could figure out a way for a couple to screw in the woods or in a car or an evil hotel or an abandoned building or some haunted bushes, but only an elite few director/scuba divers would have an underwater sex/death scene. And James Cameron is the king of that world.

Not only is this an excellent opening, but the score sounds real dramatic and there is a cool optical effect over the credits that I bet former effects guy James Cameron figured out himself. You don't come up with the T-1000 the first time out, first you gotta do a weird blue and red water ripple heatvision deal like this.

THE TERMINATOR was low budget but not compared to this. I noticed one scene where the part of an ambulance was played by a white van with "AMBULANCE" written on the side in electrical tape. Also a hand-written sign on a door makes it the morgue. But Cameron overcomes this by getting three good principles and getting them to take the whole thing very seriously.

The star is Tricia O'Neal, who looks alot like Adrienne Barbeau, but a little more feminine. To be honest I am kind of afraid of poor Ms. Barbeau but this TV movie version I thought was kinda hot. Anyway she plays a fish expert who gives diving tours to guests at some island resort. She lives with her teenage son (Ricky G. Paull) but not her husband, Police Chief Kimbrough played by none other than Lance god damn Henriksen.

I know I've sung his praises before but I gotta say, Lance Henriksen is one of my favorite actors. In some ways it seems like he can't get a break (if I remember right it was the Newt Gingrich congress that passed legislation requiring him to say yes to any piece of crap movie he is offered) but even though he's in alot of garbage I don't think I've ever seen one he wasn't good in. And he's great at playing over-the-top bad guys (HARD TARGET, STONE COLD) but also sympathetic, sensitive heroes (ALIENS) and tough guys (this one). Here we have a young ruggedly handsome Henriksen, before he had those lines dripping down from his eyes and when he had a 'c' in his last name.

Without Lance Henriksen I probaly wouldn't think much of this movie, but he is working on a higher level and the movie is tied to his back dangling just below that level. You might compare it to maybe a lesser Charles Bronson movie where the movie is made completely watchable by the presence of Charles Bronson. And as a matter of fact I was studying the IMDB and learned that Mr. Henriksen once played Bronson in a TV movie about Jill Ireland. So that would be a good comparison to make because then you could bring up that little bit of trivia there. But also it would be an accurate comparison, so it's a double.

By the way, Henriksen is referred to as "that robot" at one point. In THE TERMINATOR, James Cameron almost cast him as a robot, but then changed him to a cop. Then in ALIENS he finally did make him a robot, which is one of his best known roles. But it all started with the guy calling him a robot in P2.

I like the somewhat complex and understated relationships here, that's the best thing about the movie. A guy named Steve Marachuk plays a sort of obnoxious lothario dude who keeps hitting on Ms. Kimbrough and eventually succeeds. He gets more interesting halfway through when it turns out he is not who he says he is and actually knows what the deal is with the piranha attacks. The police chief walks in on this guy in bed with his wife and he is obviously mad but he doesn't say anything. They don't tell you why the husband and wife are separated and they don't fight much. Everything you know about it comes from their performances and from little details like the fact that she calls him by his last name. But as they work together to stop the piranhas you can see their admiration for each other, not in any words but in the actor's faces.

The very best part is at the end when Ms. Kimbrough and her boyfriend have detonated a bomb underwater and the Chief and his son are on the surface in a boat. And there is a dialogue free stretch where the two sit and you read their expressions as they face the fact that their wife or mother is most likely dead and all they can do is wait to find out. When she comes safely to the surface there is a three way hug and that ends the movie. So there is no official word of a reunion but clearly they have bonded through this experience. You can definitely see echoes of that type of strained relationship with Sarah and John Connor in T2 and the husband and wife in TRUE LIES who also are having marital difficults and become closer through adventuring.

Of course, the scenes with bloody piranha puppets are amusing and there is one badass action moment where the heroine swoops away from the explosives by hanging onto the anchor of a moving speed boat (for real) but the fact that the character relationships and acting performances are my favorite part of PIRANHA PART 2 THE SPAWNING are exactly why I think it is a worthwhile movie. I hope some day we get P2 SPECIAL EDITION DIRECTOR'S CUT.

It pains me to be that jackass who tries to point out that the remake is not as good as the original. Whoah, you're blowin my mind, Galileo! But facts are facts, and science is science, fellas. The one and only mainstream event movie of the summer of 2001 is a big fat mess.

Planet of the Apes is the story of Mark Wahlberg landing on the Planet of the Apes. After this happens, there are many apes, etc.

Now if you've seen the original 1968 film by Rod Serling and friends starring Charlton Omega Man Heston, you know what not to expect in the remake - a strong story with unique elements of social commentary, good direction and atmosphere, etc.

Now I've read a thing or two about this one in the magazines and what not but I wouldn't have to know it already to tell that this is one of those mega budget hollywood vehicles where they were still trying to Write it when they had already filmed it. And I know this is gonna be unpopular but buddy, you need a script for a picture like this. I know Mike Leigh, Wayne Wang, Christopher Guest etc. would disagree with me but improv is for pussies, in my opinion.

They got all of the elements of the original: apes and people. And nothing else. In this one, the people talk, and the apes have an even more primitive culture where they don't even have guns. There is so little difference between the apes and people that the premise doesn't even make sense anymore. Nobody knows why the apes look down on the humans so much or why the humans don't fight back. Especially since in this one apes are afraid of water. You fuckin humans ever heard of a dam? Just flood the fuckers. Planet of the beavers coulda figured that one out why can't planet of the humans?

Since the people can talk you lose the whole storyline of the one human who can talk, the ape scientists who befriend him, the prick of an orangutan doctor who thinks he is mimicking and the trial to prove he can think. Instead you got "We have to escape!" and "we have to find my ship!" and then "lets fight the apes!" There is not much to the ape culture or the human culture. Unless costumes count. There are helmets, etc.

One of the few areas in which this picture succeeds is in the makeup. Alot of these fuckers look like real apes, I must admit. The gorillas are especially realistic. You got Mr. Orange from Reservoir Dogs playing a sinister chimpanzee and his face is scary. He is alot more animalistic than the apes in the original, running around on his knuckles, hopping, sniffing people and what not. But that takes away from the whole theme of apes replacing humans. When the apes and humans are equally unsophisticated you have to wonder why it's not called Planet of the Apes and Humans.

The worst part of the movie is the whole section that takes place in Ape City. It's all crammed together on one cheesy set that looks like one of those stage shows at Universal Studios where they have some dude come out and swing a sword around, and then a wizard comes out and shoots fire out of his staff.

There are a few timid attempts to turn this into an animal rights allegory. Helena Bonham Carter, star of 1999 Outlaw Award winner for Best Fuckin Picture Fight Club, plays a half ape/half Janet Jackson creature who feels sorry for the humans, and sometimes lets them out of their cages. But this doesn't really go anywhere. There are only two examples of real human cruelty and even those are over quickly. One of them involves branding the humans, the best one is giving a little girl to a little girl monkey as a pet. She keeps her in a cage and says "Good night little girl."

If you're gonna reinvent Planet of the Apes though why not have some fuckin balls about it. I mean are we Planet of the Pussies or are we Planet of the Strong Men and Women? I want to see the factory farming of humans. I want to see a human slaughterhouse. Shit let's have a milking scene while we're at it. Let's try something new, Hollywood. Come on, who's up for it?

Rumor is that the director wanted to have man and ape sexin each other up, but he wasn't even allowed to do that. That's when you quit, bud. No bestiality, no director, that's what I woulda said.

It gets a little better when they go out into the Forbidden Zone and then run around and hit each other with sticks. That is what ape movies should be about, I guess, if they don't have a story ready yet.

There's also a scene I liked called The Necessary Cameo By the Star of the Original. Charlton Heston plays the bedridden father of Mr. Orange, so he has ape makeup on. And guess what happens:

By the way what the fuck is this about remaking Dolemite with LL Cool J as Dolemite and Rudy Ray Moore in a cameo role? Like Dolemite is this great premise that can be entertaining without starring Rudy Ray Moore. "We took this idea of the guy getting out of prison and going to save the neighborhood, but we updated it for the '90s!" Shit, I'm all for anything that will buy Rudy Ray Moore a new coat but jesus, what in fuck's name are they thinking. You put Rudy in the starring role and then we're fuckin talking.

Anyway there are a couple twists in this apes picture but you always see them coming. One of them you figure out before they even land on the planet of the apes. But it still feels kind of satisfying when it happens, just because you've been waiting for it for so long.

Then of course there's a twist ending that sets up the sequel. If you've read the original Pierre Boulle novel in the original French, then you have sort of an idea, except in French. Actually it's not really the same ending, but a little better, and I definitely think Planet of the Apes Part 2 will be more what I'm looking for in an ape movie.

I would like to see the story of part 2 be about Mark Wahlberg on the run. The opening scene will have him beating up 8-25 cops. There will be alot of bloodshed, mayhem, etc.

Then he will go on the run and fight against the man. Maybe he will be a fugitive who travels from town to town helping gorillas who are in trouble. He could wear a dark cloak and a fake beard that makes him look more apelike. I wonder where the humans are in this new sequel society? With my luck they'll be in prison.

It would also be cool if he travels back in time to assassinate President Lincoln. This movie will be a total anarchist movie destroying all american institutions. It's okay though, 'cause they're apes. That's what you gotta tell the suits. Don't let them get away with this toothless improv shit.

PLANET TERROR and DEATH PROOF

PREAMBLE

Here in the US these two movies were designed and released as a double feature with trailers for fictional movies in between. They were released under one unifying name that starts with a 'G' that is a word used to describe the shitty theaters that used to churn out sleazy horror, sexploitation, kung fu and blaxploitation movies back in the day.

I am not going to be using the g-word in this review, because I am sick and fucking tired of hearing it. It's a perfectly legitimate title for this concept, but here is the problem. Mr. Tarantino is a huge fan and expert on these types of movies, he is the human IMDb judging from some of those interviews. So I don't mind seeing him talk about it in every article about KILL BILL VOLUME 1 and then KILL BILL VOLUME 2 and then when they announced this g-word movie, and then while he was filming it and now to promote its release. Tarantino can use the g-word all he wants, he has earned it. So I don't mind him and the trailers for his movie trying to explain to the kids what the g-word means.

That's him, that's his thing. But it makes me want to jump out a window to read the guy from the local newspaper or the dumbed down weekly entertainment magazine deciding that he too has to explain to you what it is.

You know what man, we know what it is. If we didn't know what it was, we could look it up on the internet like we did when they put out those ads for DISTRICT B13 that pretended like everybody knew what "parkour" meant. The point is, we can handle this without you, we don't believe that you have any personal knowledge of this subject. So shut the fuck up.

A couple years ago you could've read 150 articles about the same movies being referred to as g********e today, and you wouldn't see more than a handful of uses of the g-word. You would see them called B movies, exploitation movies, drive-in movies, cult movies, genre movies, midnight movies. Sometimes they'd use words to describe them like slashers, sleazies, cheapies, no-budget, grade-Z, and yes, every once in a while, g----house. You'd probaly even see "psychotronic" or "video nasties" used at least as often as g********e. Now Tarantino drops the word in enough interviews, all the sudden it's g this and g that. G this that and the other. This was already bugging me after KILL BILL, now it's the fuckin bubonic plague. I've seen reviews by my internet colleagues where the word is used as many as ten times. Come on, man. If Tarantino used the phrase "jump off a bridge" too many times would you use the phrase "jump off a bridge" too many times? I hope not. Let's put that bitch to rest, please.

The worst part is Tarantino really fucking loves these movies, for real, he sees beauty in them that Joe Local Paid Movie Critic will never see even wearing night vision goggles. But by the time it's written up in the magazine it comes off like "hey everybody, let's have some fun wink wink look at these funny old movies, it's so stoopid I LOVE IT!"

Going to movies on 42nd street is not a part of my life experience. I understand it smelled like pee and a guy was jerkin off or something, I believe is what I read. Apparently the print quality was poor and a rat was fuckin two spiders over in the corner - I don't know, I wasn't there. But I do like alot of these movies. I had a chance to literally go to the mat for LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and I turned it down, but I would have to say I respect it more than the average joe. Most people don't get the opportunity to turn down that opportunity. So I understand the nostalgia, the fetish for the look of scratches on film and old fashioned studio logos and the sound of the trailer narrator's voice. I dig all those things, I want to see them, but I also want to see some good movies. I want to see that really good g-word movie you were hoping to see every time you went into the g-house, not the other ones that you usually got. The carrot on the end of the stick, the light at the end of the tunnel, the light that's shining on a carrot. Don't let me down, boys.

First up in the double bill is PLANET TERROR by Robert Rodriguez. This is a cartoony take on a gloomy zombie movie. Bruce has a small role as a special ops badass who, it is noted, killed bin Laden. (Yippee kay yay.) They don't mention whether or not he let Geraldo bronze the head. Anyway, Bruce is involved in an incident which causes the release of a deadly gas which turns the inhabitants of the nearby Texas town into "sickos," melty faced cannibal motherfuckers. The story follows a couple different characters as they try to fight off the zombies.

Rodriguez seems like a pretty cool guy, he's a dude that took the money from volunteering for medical experiments and built it into a multi-million dollar full service movies studio and effects company that he runs out of his house. Holy shit now that I put it that way the guy is fucking Scarface. Anyway, I think he's one of those guys who's both underrated and overrated, depending on who you ask. I love his MARIACHI trilogy and some of the others are fun but usually a mixed bag. PLANET TERROR is no different.

This movie is the fetishistic all-surface homage that you expect out of the g-house project. But not so much an homage to the g-word as to my man John Carpenter in his sci-fi mode. The night skies and fog and the helicopters remind you of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. And the score (by Rodriguez, he has to play every role like Eddie Murphy in NORBIT or Tom Hanks in POLAR EXPRESS) is mostly retro keyboard blorts and buzzes like Carpenter used to do, with an occasional slice of Goblin. Good stuff. The movie is shot digital like he always does now but then he layers it with all kinds of phony grain, blur, scratches and broken splices. I think he kind of overdoes it but it's a fairly authentic look.

The characters are .5 dimensional. Rose McGowan's one-legged stripper Cherry Darling comes the closest to bringing something extra to her cartoon emotions. I like the opening credits of her dancing in the club, ending with her in tears. At the end she gets a machine gun for a leg and uses the same go-go moves to plow down motherfuckers. And when she does that she doesn't cry.

The other main character is El Wray, played by Freddy Rodriguez (actually, Robert Rodriguez in disguise, another example of how he has to do everything in his movies [just jerkin your chain bud, Freddy is the guy from DEAD PRESIDENTS]). He is some sort of notorious in-trouble-with-the-law local who we sort of find out (although the explanation is purposely missing from the movie) also has a Seagalian past of some kind. The way the character is presented is cool and Freddy does what he can but let's face it, he's not Kurt Russell or Roddy Piper, and he's not even Ice Cube. He's a 5'6" baby-faced little fella who is a good actor but just because he does a flip off a wall in one part does not make him a badass presence. Sorry bud just tellin it like it is.

And if you're making a John Carpenter action movie but you don't have a Snake Plissken or a Jack Burton or a George Nada, that sort of means you're making GHOSTS OF MARS, doesn't it?

I think the problem with Rodriguez is that he's gone completely digital, but his talents are analog. He's a guy who grew up making movies on camcorders and editing them together by dubbing from one VCR to another. So he knows how to edit together shots to tell a story well. In my opinion, it's when he gets into all these green screens and digital whatsits or even old fashioned special effects that he loses control and starts making a mess of those basics he's normally so good at. I think he's best when he's got an actual guy standing in the actual outdoors, with real sun shining on him. He knows exactly where to put the camera and how to edit it later. If you look at all those gunfights in DESPERADO for example, he knows how to put an action scene together, make it thrilling and beautiful, and in the process he invests these ridiculous characters with more emotional depth than should be possible. But ever since SPY KIDS he's been doing his homegrown cartoon special effects and at the same time the stories get sloppier and less effective and it becomes harder and harder to think of the characters as people.

Actually maybe the best place to trace it to is the pre-digital FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. The first half is what I love about Rodriguez and the second half is what mildly amuses me about him. He puts in some clever gags and it's kind of fun but it just turns into a bunch of chaos and cartoony silliness and you lose the character and story that you get when he's more stripped down.

To be fair, ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO is shot digitally and has tons of effects shots in it, but it LOOKS organic. I had no idea. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, PLANET TERROR is more like the second half of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. It's a movie that has all kinds of cool stuff in it, which is a plus. They have Bruce in there, they have Tom Savini with a gorey death, they have Tarantino in a vanity role as "Rapist #1," they have roles for Michael Biehn and even the original Mariachi Carlos Gallardo, they have a scene where a guy falls down and his mouth touches a severed testacle, and he deserves it. But what they don't have, in my opinion, is heart. You have to really put some effort into it to convince yourself you care about Cherry and El Wray's love at the end. This reminds me more of Rodriguez's made for cable movie ROADRACERS than any of his theatrical releases. There's a part where a little kid dies out of the blue but the context of the story is so un-serious that instead of getting upset you just wonder what that was all about. There's nothing to make it work as a real horror movie and the jokes (although funny) aren't enough to make it a real comedy. It's not a real movie, it's a nice homage to a real movie.

But Tarantino's DEATH PROOF is a real movie. On the old double features the second one was supposed to be the B movie, the not as good one. Sure enough this one is smaller and cheaper, but it also happens to be better in every way. It takes some of the structure of a real good, serious slasher movie and it Tarantino-izes it. He builds to scares in a strong, traditional way but he spends most of the movie on dialogue and characters and good acting, the things nobody expects to see in a slasher movie.

Basically, this is a movie about girls hanging out talking, and then they run into a maniac who gets off on killing women in car crashes. Kind of a hard fetish to live with I'm sure, but I can't really feel sorry for the guy. Kurt Russell is not exactly back in Snake Plissken mode, but man is he great as Stuntman Mike, the car crash pervert. But he's not the star, he is actually a distant threat for most of the movie, he is the stalker.

The structure is perfect for a slasher story but the balance you expect is thrown off because most of the screen time is given to conversation and much less than usual is given to the actual horror. For the first half it doesn't seem weird because you establish this car with an unseen driver following, then you slowly establish who Stuntman Mike is, you have him moving in, then suddenly he strikes and there are some deaths in one of the most amazing car crash sequences I can think of. At this point Tarantino brings in his recurring character Sheriff Earl McGraw (he was in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, KILL BILL VOLUME 1, and even PLANET TERROR) for one scene where he acts as the psychologist at the end of PSYCHO, the guy who explains what's going on here in this sicko's mind.

In that first half there is all this talk of the girls going to a lake house, which is of course a common staging ground for some slashing. But just like we never saw the movie THE LAKE HOUSE starring Sandra Bullock, we never do see this lake house the girls are going to. Instead we meet another group of girls who Stuntman Mike is stalking (there's a shot of him photographing that's straight out of SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE). These girls are in town to film a movie, and two of them are stunt women, played by actual stunt women. The most notable one (because she ends up doing some amazing stunts) is Zoe Bell, the New Zealander who was Uma Thurman's stunt double for KILL BILL, and here she is playing herself. The end of the movie turns out to be about what happens when Stuntman Mike fucks with the wrong group of girls. I saw the movie a couple days ago and just today it occurred to me that DEATH PROOF not only refers to Stuntman Mike's car, but to Zoe Bell, the world's luckiest stunt woman.

Now, as a fan of the old slasher movies this structure is a little bit weird to me, and I'll tell you why. There are two main types of slasher movies, the ones where the girl gets away and the ones where the girl goes back and gets revenge. But usually before the revenge the girl has to go through hell, especially in those movies like I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. That one was obviously designed as a feminist story but because you have to watch the vilest shit imaginable to get to the girl power, nobody really believed it was sincere. Even in the good old fashioned rape-free movies you're gonna see the killer rack up a hell of a body count before he gets an ax in the head, and the girl is gonna be terrorized all over town before she gives the killer what he's got comin.

That is my one minor complaint about DEATH PROOF. There is one very impressive murder scene, and one very impressive attack scene, and then they immediately turn around and get their revenge. Gleefully. Not psychotic gleeful, but cute gleeful, bloody revenge as girl's night out. And it's all so sudden. The way it goes down is definitely fun. Really, I liked it. But I think if Tarantino had put them through some more terror first then the end would've been all that more earned, all that more satisfying.

But oh well. It's clear what Tarantino has in mind. The movie referenced the most in DEATH PROOF is not a slasher movie at all, it's VANISHING POINT, one of the artier of the g.h. works. True, it's more of a crowdpleaser than TWO LANE BLACKTOP, but it's not just a bunch of cars flipping and going off jumps, there's some quiet brooding and shit in that movie. This is much more upbeat, but it's the same kind of thing, trying to go a little arty but also have some great car stunts.

I have learned from dipping into the dark underworld of the talkbacks that DEATH PROOF seems to be the less popular one, most people saying it's boring because it's all talk and the dialogue is terrible, and occasionally these talkbackers describe the women in the movie as bitches or cunts. Just for a touch of class. Well, more power to you guys but man oh man can I not relate to that. I'm not gonna say this is Tarantino's best dialogue, and of course there is a bit of a formula to it, you notice any movie reference he makes and it can get self conscious at times. But I like watching these characters talk to each other. I like when Stuntman Mike is going through all the stars he's doubled for, naming off shows like THE VIRGINIAN and VEGA$, the kinds of references Tarantino likes to make, and suddenly he slows to a stop as he realizes that these girls don't have a clue about any of these people or shows he's talking about, and then he goes away and sulks, realizing he's an old man.

Some people say Tarantino's dialogue is realistic, which is bullshit. That's not the point. The conversations are stylized and structured into stories and create an artificial rendition of real conversation. And they slyly drop details that set up what would happen later in a regular slasher movie - and then it doesn't. So when you get to the second gang of women and you listen to them talk shit to each other you don't know if this is going to go anywhere or not, but what they're talking about does indeed set up what you need to know for the thrilling no CGI car stunt finale.

And I honestly wasn't bored for a second, not just because I think this is indeed well written dialogue but because of some damn good performances. Tarantino does both his "good performance out of somebody you didn't expect it from" trick and his "good performance out of somebody you never heard of before" one. Rosario Dawson is better than I've ever seen her. Sidney Poitier's daughter Sydney is great. Most amazingly, Zoe Bell is perfect as an actress, then ends up doing these incredible stunts. You become very invested in this character Zoe and then you see her - the character and the real person - hanging on for dear life on the front of a fast moving car. For real. Not since the old Jackie Chan movies have I felt so concerned about bodily harm being done to an actor.

One complaint I've seen is that these two were made with a combined budget of $50 some million, which is alot more than it cost to make BLOODSUCKING FREAKS. Well, it seems to me you guys are missing the point. This is not supposed to be some Dogme exercise, it's a tribute. Please point me to the guy who expected STAR WARS or INDIANA JONES to be made with the budget constraints of the serials that inspired them. These guys are like every generation of directors, they get all nostalgic for the movies they grew up on but they turn it into their own thing. John Carpenter is always trying to make a Howard Hawks movie, but nobody gets mad at him for having a bigger budget, using color film and not putting Kurt Russell in a cowboy hat. Because that would be stupid.

Not that I would be against seeing what they would do using low budgets again. But keep in mind that H.G. Lewis's BLOOD FEAST had more than three times the budget of EL MARIACHI, not even including inflation. So it's not like they have anything to prove. Plus, wouldn't it almost be an insult to the g-house directors if they tried to follow some kind of budget and schedule constraints to make it authentic? Hello, we are making movies with the same limitations they had back then, but because we are of the 2000s and are big time Hollywood directors ours will be really good and you should pay $9.50 to see them.

Anyway, the one drawback to this being a double feature is that it might make me hesitate to see it again in a theater. Maybe I'll still do it but it's really DEATH PROOF I want to see again. Still, it's a fun night at the movies and a good value for the cash-strapped individuals like myself who would've paid separately to see both anyway. The fake trailers and vintage intros are great too. I do wish they hadn't hyped what the different trailers are because they're all pretty funny but would be better if you didn't see them coming. They got one by Eli Roth (the narrator sucks but otherwise it seems 100% authentic as a low budget horror movie) Rob Zombie (the weakest but amusing), Edgar Winter or whoever (the funniest one) but my favorite was actually the one at the beginning, Robert Rodriguez's MACHETE. Basically, this is a low budget action movie built around the scarred face of Danny (MARKED FOR DEATH) Trejo. Like a blaxploitation movie they work in themes specific to his ethnic background - references to day laborers, immigration etc., and he's an assassin with a coat full of machetes who gets set up and then seeks his revenge.

The good news is Rodriguez has wanted to make a real MACHETE for years and is apparently planning to shoot it as a DTV release, expanding from the scenes he already shot to make the trailer. Now that's the movie I want to see from Rodriguez. Let's hope he really goes through with it.

In conclusion, PLANET TERROR is a fun warmup, DEATH PROOF is a great movie. If you like stunts, cars and Kurt Russell-- well, you already saw it, so you can back me up on this.

This is a nice little 1967 action picture starring Lee Marvin and directed by John Boorman, the sick fuck who made the movie deliverance I think you know what I'm talking about, oink oink.

Lee Marvin plays Walker. Not Walker the Texas Ranger, this walker is a Badass criminal type who is betrayed by his partner and his wife and left for dead. But he resurfaces, sees his wife die of a drug overdose and then works his way through his ex-partner and a crim corporation called The Organization, trying to get back the $93,000 that was stolen from him. As you can tell the plot is very similar to 1999 Outlaw Award winner Payback. There is even one scene in Payback that seems to be a direct lift from Point Blank, and believe it or not alot of the characters even have the same last names! An even stranger coincidence is that both films are based on the same book, "The Hunter" by Richard Stark. I mean what are the chances of something like that happening it boggles the mind, in my opinion.

I would like to thank my bud for recommending this picture saying that I would like it because it is kind of the same story as Payback but with filmatic language along the lines of fellow 1999 Outlaw Award winner The Limey. And it's true, the editing especially, it jumps around and flashes back in the same way that The Limey does and I think it was probaly an influence. The setting and just the whole tone remind me of The Limey too but The Limey is not based on "the Hunter" unless it was uncredited. Not sure how that works that it is the same as Payback and The Limey but Limey is not the same as Payback.

Anyway Lee Marvin is a great Badass of our time, but he plays him as more of a softy than Mel Gibson's Parker. Don't get me wrong, the man is tough as nails in your feet, but he has more traces of human emotion than Parker, who is more sadistic and dead set on getting his money back. But Walker has brains and he is a master manipulator of motherfuckers. He sets up a complex operation to get to his partner's well guarded penthouse which involves two actors tied up across the street, the police, and a sister-in-law seductress. He's also fairly skilled at getting his enemies shot by their own snipers. I think that is a very good way to stick it to these rich corporate criminals. Anybody who is rich enough to own their own snipers has it coming, in my opinion.

There are little overlaps between Walker and Parker but they are in very different contexts. Both of them intentionally crash cars, but one does it in a robbery and the other does it to scare his passenger. Also both of them lead the ex-partner to believe they're going to work together to get the money back, but don't really mean it.

I think fans of Badass Cinema owe it to themselves to see both pictures. In a way I like Parker better, because he's shown as more of a down and dirty resourceful criminal, who pickpockets and slams people's hands and even knows how to frame a cop. And I think Payback is funnier, mainly because of the supporting cast like David Paymer and whatsisdick and some of these other fellas. James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson both have small roles and these are two of the very few actors working today who I feel have the ability to portray me in a movie.

BUT, Point Blank on the other hand is a little more artistical in its filmatization. I really like the editing and the whole story. There are several great set piece type scenes, like when Walker beats several guys backstage at a soul club and the screams are barely distinguishable from the James Brown like performance going on on stage. And both Lee Marvin and Angie Dickinson who plays his sister-in-law Chris are good. The world is more realistic in this one, there aren't any exploding cars or anything, although there is one outdated special effect in a crucial scene that is kind of funny looking.

Kudos to director John Boorman cause there is no cornholing or anything. You will like this one in my opinion.

Since I reviewed POINT BLANK way-back-when I've seen it a few more times, I've learned alot more about the films of Cinema, and I've read a whole assload of Richard Stark books. My appreciation for the movie has grown even as I've realized how unfaithful it is to the great character from the books.

POINT BLANK is a great movie. Lee Marvin is at the height of his badass skills, and any time you combine that with arty pretentious direction like this, you're getting something special. There are so many brilliant shots and scenes in this one. My favorite is the loud CLANK CLANK CLANK of Walker walking down the hallway leading up to his kicking the door down, grabbing his wife by the mouth, then kicking in the bedroom door, lunging toward the bed and unloading all his bullets into it before he realizes it's empty. All in one motion. And this scene is followed up by another clever one, a long dialogue scene where he manages to not talk or move at all.

The best thing about this finally coming to DVD is that now I get to see it in widescreen. I only saw the pan and scan VHS before and this makes a huge difference. It's also a beautiful transfer that shows off the colors the same way Angie Dickinson shows off her body in the movie.

There's a commentary track with Steve Soderbergh (THE LIMEY) interviewing Boorman. Boorman tells some good stories, like how the dad from Doogie Howser, who plays the assassin, stalked him for days to prove he was right for the role. Also there's one about Lee Marvin punching John Vernon in the stomach and making him cry. Which in my opinion is unethical. Soderbergh is always funny on his own commentary tracks but for this one he's very serious. You can tell he loves this movie and he asks him all kinds of questions about the lenses and stuff, more like he's asking him what he's always wanted to ask him than interviewing him for the benefit of the viewer. But I like that approach.

Soderbergh asks him about this ghost shit. Because of the arty feel of the movie, some of the weird imagery and the ambiguous ending where Walker sort of disippates into the air like Michael Meyers, alot of people think he really died at the beginning. I've always felt this was horse shit because this is Parker from the Richard Stark books. He gets bullets pulled out and he comes back. This is Parker we're talking about, he does that kind of shit. At the end of the book he gets plastic surgery and comes back again. In another book he loses his cover name and has to start all over again without all the money he's stolen over the years. He's a tough cookie, but he's not a fuckin ghost.

Boorman does not directly contradict my "not a fuckin ghost" interpretation, but he does say it's up to the viewer. And then later when discussing specific scenes it becomes clear that he wanted to leave that impression, anyway.

As great as Lee Marvin is - and don't get me wrong, this is definitely the best movie made out of a Richard Stark book - his Walker is pretty damn different from Parker. For one thing, he doesn't even seem to be a career criminal. As far as we know, he just got into this to help his friend. More importantly, the guy is too damn emotional. Parker's trademark is his coldheartedness. He is betrayed by his wife and friend, but to him it's not as much about revenge as it is about the principle of getting back his cut of the robbery. The other movie PAYBACK is called payback not because he's getting revenge, but because he wants to be reimbursed. Walker seems pretty upset about the whole business though. He sits there on the couch looking like he's been hit by a train and had his eyes pecked out by crows for three days before they cleaned him off the rails. Then after his wife dies he hangs around the house and mopes about it. And there's some sexual tension going on too. In the books, he only has sex between jobs.

The most telling thing on the commentary is when Boorman says the movie is about a man coming back from the dead and trying to recapture his humanity. That is pretty much the exact opposite of what the books are about. I really wonder what Richard Stark and his colleague Donald Westlake think about this. On one hand, it might be frustrating to have a bunch of movies based on your books and none of them seem very interested in capturing what the book was about. On the other hand, this movie is so fuckin great, it would be weird for him not to love it and be honored by it.

Unfortunately, Richard Stark is not mentioned at all on the commentary track. Boorman does make the same joke he's been making for years about Lee Marvin throwing an earlier script out the window and Mel Gibson picking it up out of the gutter. Apparently it really is true that Marvin and Boorman hated the original script and that PAYBACK ended up somewhat similar to it. But you know why? Because it's more like the book. So isn't he sort of saying the book is a piece of shit? I don't know. I would have to disagree with that if that's what he's saying. Even if he is the director of HELL IN THE PACIFIC.

The other extras include a trailer (I dig the way it spells out POINT BLANK to the rhythm of the shots he fires into the bed) and a two part circa '67 featurette called THE ROCK. It's not great or insightful but of course it's cool to see Lee Marvin and John Boorman on location at Alcatraz. The funniest part is when Angie Dickinson (as herself) has an internal monologue about how awful it must've been to be locked up in Alcatraz. I'm not sure why they did that. But if they'd do it on Entertainment Tonight I might watch it.

Anyway, POINT BLANK is required viewing for all fans of Badass Cinema. It's pretty much Chapter 1 in the textbook.

POINT BREAK

Until recently I was the guy who had never seen POINT BREAK. But the other day I busted my cherry on that matter, pardon my French, so I'm some other guy now.
I'm sure you've already seen it but let me refresh your memory: Keanu Reeves plays the perfectly named Johnny Utah, college football hero turned fresh-faced FBI rookie teamed with Gary Busey (in one of the first roles of his Crazy Post-Motorcycle Accident Period) to track down a gang of bank robbers who Busey (correctly) theorizes are surfers.

So Johnny Utah learns how to surf, immediately meets the group of surfers responsible for the bank robberies, and then continues his undercover work without realizing at first that these are the guys. The leader is Bodhi, played by Pat "ROADHOUSE" Swayze.

This is not one of the greats but it is surprisingly effective, and that's because it's got all the pieces in place. The pre-SPEED/MATRIX Keanu is actually pretty bad in the movie, even undercover as a surfer, but everyone else is perfect for their roles. Busey is at his crazy best. John C. McGinley (ON DEADLY GROUND) plays the uptight FBI chief. Lori Petty is an unorthodox choice for the surfing instructor/love interest. The director is Kathryn Bigelow, the talented but mostly forgotten badass woman director, who makes it all look real nice and knows how to shoot some good chase scenes and what not. The movie is even produced by the famed Jesus graverobber and Titaniphiliac James Cameron. So this has a pedigree.

This is also one of those action movies of the late '80s, early '90s that has all the ridiculous macho dialogue full of quips and boasts. They don't really make this kind of movie too much anymore. For example, McGinley is always saying shit like, "You're a real blue flame special, aren't you, son? Young, dumb and full of come, I know. What I don't know is how you got assigned here. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?"

The most impressive scene is the first skydiving scene, where you clearly see Swayze jump out of the plane and float in the air, for real, no special effects. At this point in the movie Bodhi has figured out that Johnny Utah is a cop, and he says don't worry, he knows how to handle it. And he surprises him and pressures him into skydiving. It's a long, show-offy sequence so you have alot of time to worry about what he is trying to pull. He must've sabotaged the 'chute, right? No. Or he's gonna cut his 'chute? Or trick him into crashing into a cliff? Eventually they land safely and Johnny is so full of adrenaline he just starts whooping and hollering and seems to no longer be worried about what Bodhi has planned for him. And because Bodhi's character is such a weirdo I was actually convinced for a second there that that was his plan. Don't worry, he's an undercover cop planning to bust us, so I'll show him the thrill of skydiving and he'll see the light and let us go.

Of course, that's not his plan and at this point he turns into a truly evil character, but I like that the scene can take you back and forth so many times.

But the most important element of the movie by far is Swayze's performance. And this is probaly not gonna be too popular, but I have no choice but to defend Mr. Swayze in general. This is a guy who gets all kinds of shit and elicits the mockery of young ironists because he had a funny hair style and did some corny movies. And I agree, the shit is funny. But you also gotta be honest with yourself in the eyes of the Lord and admit that this guy is fucking great in these movies. He had already made his name in girlie movies like GHOST and DIRTY DANCING, so it was almost impossible to take him seriously as an action star. But he actually had the chops. In ROADHOUSE he was a fuckin badass. A hilarious, ridiculous philosophy-spouting badass, but you could tell he was really doing those moves, the guy was a panther. In this one he is actually less laughable because he fits the part of a surfer dude so well. He's a god damn Adonis who somehow manages to find excuses for kickboxing on the beach.

But that physical stuff isn't the most important thing. The reason I say this guy is great is because you can tell he believes what he's saying. There's no doubt about it, he put everything he had into these roles. If you watch him on the extras for this DVD or for ROADHOUSE you see that even to this day he takes the corny philosophy of his characters completely seriously, he really lives by those codes. The same goes for that movie TO WONG FOO, where he's in drag, and he plays it serious just like Divine in POLYESTER. He doesn't camp it up, he plays it like he's just a regular house wife. Like he doesn't even know he's in a movie, that's just his life.

So yes, laugh at Patrick Swayze, but give him some respect too.

Another thing that hit me is that, as over-the-top as the movie is, the idea of a group of surfers who rob banks is not all that far-fetched. The idea of them being thrillseekers so they surf, skydive and rob banks is pretty simplistic, but there is some small amount of truth to it in my opinion. For some reason it reminded me of this guy they caught in Olympia, Washington several years ago. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about this before but there was a guy who had robbed alot of banks, they called him Hollywood because of all the crazy disguises he wore. And apparently he was a real charmer, he would flirt with the tellers kind of like George Clooney in the beginning of OUT OF SIGHT, and they would always mention that he was really good looking when the police interviewed them.

He managed to rob I don't know how many banks without ever firing a weapon. Sometimes that would mean he really didn't carry bullets, but it turned out this guy did. Because eventually of course he wasn't able to get away. They chased him into somebody's trailer where for the first time he fired his gun, into his own head. When they figured out who the guy was it turned out he was an eccentric carpenter who lived in a treehouse. I mean, not like a children's clubhouse, but an actual house he had built himself in a tree. It had been featured in newspapers and architectural magazines as "the treehouse with a guest room."

You know what, I just looked it up and it turns out Ann Rule wrote a book about the guy called The End of the Dream. So you should probaly read that instead of my vague memories of the newspaper articles from when it happened. Or wait for them to adapt the book into a movie starring Patrick Swayze.

I also wasn't aware, since I hadn't seen this movie before, how much THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS lifted from it. They have the same basic template: straightlaced pretty boy (Paul Walker instead of Keanu) goes undercover with group of thrillseekers (street racers instead of surfers) with charismatic leader spouting macho philosophy (Vin Diesel: "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free." Swayze: "This was never about the money, this was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human sprit is still alive.") The cop has a sort of brotherly bond/enemy fear with the leader, and strikes up a relationship with a woman close to him (sister instead of ex-girlfriend) and they come to a manly emotional confrontation at the end.

Of course, FAST AND THE FURIOUS does have two big variations on the way the story is told that I liked. First, they skip over the wacky "learning how to street race" sequences by not telling you until a ways into the movie that Walker is undercover. (SPOILER for FAST AND THE FURIOUS.) And at the end they do what you kind of wish they would do in POINT BREAK, they have him bond with Vin Diesel enough that he lets him go and himself is a fugitive in part 2. (SPOILER)

At the end of POINT BREAK Bodhi dies surfing a giant wave (SPOILER) which sort of wipes out (get it, pun) the opportunity for an awesome sequel. I wish he got arrested at the end so they could do a part 2 now where the CIA has pinpointed the location of an Osama bin Laden type terrorist, but they only have a 48 hour window to get in and there's a huge storm that is causing the most awesome waves on record. And the only way to get in is to send someone who can surf those mothers. So they let Bodhi out of prison and he redeems himself, it's just like RAMBO, except with surfing.

Or you could also do it where prison has just made him worse, he's totally Charles Manson crazy now but there's a big flood at the prison and he manages to escape by surfing over the fence on a makeshift prison surfboard. So the only way the authorities (Gary Busey) can catch him is if they recruit the one guy who understands how his mind works, retired FBI Agent Johnny Utah. They track Utah down in South America somewhere. He has a huge bushy beard and he lives in a yurt, earns a humble living making hand-carved flutes, but they convince him to come out of retirement to track down Bodhi.

Well, since Bodhi seems to die at the end I don't think you can go that route so instead they gotta say he really didn't die. He washed up on an island near New Zealand or somewhere, he realized the error of his ways and settled down with a nice Maori woman and started a family. Meanwhile, Johnny Utah, having quit the FBI, became more and more bitter and eventually decided to start robbing banks wearing a Ronald Reagan mask himself. Somehow Bodhi finds out and realizes he has to catch Johnny so he can show him the error of his ways and teach him the beauty of family.

As you can see by my need for a POINT BREAK sequel, I enjoyed this one. It's not necessarily my favorite type of movie, but it's a type of movie I miss. If only today's dumb action movies could be as fun as the ones of yesteryear.

THE POLAR EXPRESS 3-D IMAX SPOOKARAMA

A few years back I wrote a piece called FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN (working title: BORING: THE MOVIE). It is available on this web sight as well as in my collection 5 On the Outside. In the piece I talked about the wrongness of computer animators trying to create photorealistic human characters. I argued that no matter how real they looked they would never look completely real, because they wouldn't be able to walk quite right, or have a human soul, etc. I guess I didn't mention it in that piece but there was a scene in the movie where two realistic human characters kissed, and it was like watching mannequins go at it.

(For your information, there's a porno called REAL DOLL: THE MOVIE where pornographic professionals like Ron Jeremy stick their penises inside ten thousand dollar silicone sex dummies. That movie is disturbing in a different way from FINAL FANTASY because the dolls are not moving and their faces don't look alive. So it looks like these guys are having their way with dead bodies. But picture two of the dolls going at it with no animate objects involved. Then picture a rated PG version of that. That's the scene in FINAL FANTASY, I guess. It's not natural.)

Well nobody seemed to care back then but now many of the ideas I presented in that piece have worked their way into the mainstream, as reviewers of the new computerfied Robert Zemeckis Christmas fantasy THE POLAR EXPRESS have criticized the creepy, dead eyed look of its overly realistic computerized cartoon characters. Japanese roboticists have even expanded on my theories, calling it "the uncanny valley" where your ability to relate to a robot or cartoon character suddenly plunges as it gets closer to humanity. So Mickey Mouse is our buddy but final fantasies give us the willies.

THE POLAR EXPRESS is a big pile of technological show offery which uses many methods no ordinary human being could defend. Why exactly would anybody make a movie starring actors, with computer animated characters made to look as much as possible like the actors? Couldn't we just eliminate the middle man and have actors? The movie was made I guess by having Tom Hanks and the other guy from Bosom Buddies wear magic space suits that control computer characters within the world of the computer (or "matrix," or "tron.") So it's not really animation as much as it is a high tech puppet show. You got the STAR TREK prequels then SKY CAPTAIN and then this is the next step, but it's still not quite a cartoon.

The one and only way to see this movie is in Imax 3-D where available. This gimmick amplifies the creepiness of the movie but also makes it into a long theme park ride, a series of artfully designed dioramas, rollercoasters and waterslides. The people don't look entirely real, but neither do the fuckin pirates or haunted mansions, do they? It's amazing how far a big set of battery powered goggles will go to make ol' Vern forgive and forget the valley of the uncanny dolls. I mean for the most part this is a well told kiddy fantasy story with great atmosphere, so I didn't mind zooming around peering through windows and cracking through ice and watching the pretty 3-D snowflakes fall. I'm as surprised as you are that I am here to tell you that when it's in 3-D, it's really not that bad.

But I guess I can take partial credit for this one. I know in my heart, and I think you know this also, that Robert Zemeckis read my FINAL FANTASY piece. He still went the wrong way (just make cartoon characters look like cartoon characters, asshole! It's not hard to figure out) but at least he learned from my other final fantasy criticisms.

Well as you know I am on the cutting edge of our Cinematic type culture here, so let me tell you this for sure. This movie, which had a release that made BONES look like HENRY fucking PORTER, will be discovered on video and cherished right and left by every motherfucker and his uncle for years to come.

This is not a great movie but it's a funny one and a unique one. You got basically a super hero story here starring a young black fella named Pootie Tang, played by some Writer from the chris rock show. Chris Rock show is another chapter in the story of people claiming that a show is really good, in fact so good you gotta pay hbo to see it. Hello - tv is supposed to be free. Until you put it on the FREE airwaves I have no choice but to assume that the sopranos, oz, sex and the city, the chris rock show and etc. are all crap just like everything else on tv.

And please don't e-mail me to tell me the sopranos is good, unless you are gonna include money that I can use to get hbo. Thanks.

Anyway point is Pootie Tang is a super hero but he doesn't inherit money like Batman. He doesn't get bit by a magic spider like Superman. He doesn't have a green lantern power decoder ring, or a Thor the mighty hammer god weapon, or an inherited identity like The Phantom or Zorro or Superboy or Popeye and Sons. The only thing Pootie's dad has to pass down to him when he dies is the belt he used to whoop young Pootie's ass. Instilled with the energy of this ass beating Pootie is able to use the belt to defeat evil. As long as he has right on his side he can use the belt to spank people.

The slim plot is basically your stick it to the man blaxploitation good vs. evil story, while the filmatism is a hilarious parody of rap video cliches. The love interest, Biggie Shorty, tends to start dancing at the drop of a hat, or even when the hat is still on the head, and the camera will zoom in and out to help.

As for Pootie his whole character is that he talks in his own indecipherable pidgin ebonics, but, of course, everything he says becomes a nationwide catch phrase. I think this is making a statement about how young white people are fascinated by anything black people say, even if they don't understand what in fuck's name it means (or, in this case, even if it doesn't mean anything at all). Because this isn't really a super hero parody, or even an homage to blaxploitation pictures, as much as it is a critique of the entertainment media's commodification of black culture for white audiences from the '70s to the '90s. In my opinion.

More importantly though POOTIE TANG doesn't puss out and have Pootie make a big speech in English at the end or some stupid shit like that. This isn't a Kevin Smith picture in other words and Pootie, no matter how rough the going gets, never lets out a sentence or even phrase that makes any damn sense. This is the polar opposite of the hip dialogue comedy that you motherfuckers on the internet like. But you will like it anyway, because you can't escape this picture, people. You won't.

Even as we speak, the cult following is growing. This one is going to become a movie everyone has seen much like the first Friday picture or the one about the fellows in the office. Have I ever been wrong about this kind of thing, no I haven't. POOTIE TANG is here, so get used to it.

What this is about is hard to explain. It's a cartoon about a professor who creates these three little girls. They have super powers to fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes and basically anything that pussy Superman can do. Only they have big round heads, giant eyes, and no fingers. And the professor is all made out of squares. At the same time he creates them in a laboratory accident he doesn't know he also gives his pet monkey a giant brain. The monkey goes off to live in exile, plotting his revenge which involves monkeys and robots. Then there is fighting.

You can tell this is one of those cartoons that's made by animators. I mean I guess by definition all cartoons are made by animators but give me a fuckin minute here man, jesus. I can explain. No need to get all worked up there bud. Give me the benefit of the doubt. etc. What I mean by that is, this is not a cartoon like "doug" or "arnold" or "thornberry movie" or "rugrats" or "stuart little" or "etc." where they get a deal to make a movie, they don't really know what they want exactly but they make some storyboards and then the animators are hired and they are happy to have a job on this as a stepping stone to actually getting a good job some day. The creative visions behind this are obviously full of passion and ingenuity and are clever artists, so most of the humor comes out of really good stylish drawings and ridiculous images like giant baboon robots shooting bombs out of their asses, or three cute little girls destroying the entire city while playing tag.

This is a cartoon style I have never seen in a movie before, very angular, cute designs with big thick outlines, and then it is incredibly violent so it borrows japanese anime techniques to pump up the adrenaline. I guess the tv show is what they call "the limited animation" invented as a deliberate stylistic device by the United Something that stars with P Animation company long ago and then given a bad reputation when it was taken on by Hanna Barbera as a lazy way to make tv shows. The movie uses that style to full advantage but also adds in shit I'm sure they don't do in the tv like dramatic pans through the city, some fancy special effects and ridiculously detailed scenes like where hundreds of limp monkeys rain out of the sky. There are lots of monkeys in this picture which should help make it popular. Young people think monkeys are funny for some reason.

I believe this is a movie made for the little kids who say the names of all the characters when they come on the screen, for college kids and for the adults who come in by themselves, like me, and somebody thinks what is that guy doing here, is he a child molester. I'm not sure if it's for the parents though because they mean it when they say it is "rated PG for non-stop kinetic cartoon action" and I'm not sure if most moms and dads will be happy that they solve all their problems by brutally killing hundreds, maybe thousands of monkeys, some of them cute. Although to be fair this probaly is not something most kids have the chance to re-enact. Except maybe Michael Jackson's kids could do a smaller, more intimate version of some of the scenes, substituting a llama for the gorilla.

PREDATOR starts out with a shot of an alien spacecraft jettisoning a shuttle towards earth. We just see it from the distance, there's not alot of detail visible, but we don't live under a rock, so we know what's going on here. The extra-terrestrial hunting enthusiast known only as "Predator" is arriving on Earth. The human characters in the movie get all the screen time, but Predator gets the first shot, so we know this is really his story.

Like E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, PREDATOR doesn't give us any backstory on the alien star. All we know is the guy is no botanist. Maybe an exotic meat salesman. It almost seems like an alien remake of FIRST BLOOD because you got this one crazy alien maniac out in the jungle by himself, taking on a couple platoons worth of elite soldiers and doing a pretty good job of it. John Rambo did some sick shit but he didn't skin a bunch of guys and hang them upside down from the trees. He didn't pull out people's spines. So Predator's got one on John. You even get the scene where Predator, like John, is wounded and has to do some makeshift surgery on himself. The only difference is he uses advanced alien technology to heal himself instead of just crudely sewing himself up.

And that's actually our key to understanding what this Predator dude is all about. If this guy was REALLY the great hunter he obviously thinks he is, he wouldn't be fucking CHEATING by using advanced alien technology. The guy is making himself invisible, using laser cannons, all this shit. This seems more like Dick Cheney style bird torture than actual legitimate hunting. It's not until the very end that Predator takes off his helmet and weapons and takes on Schwarzenegger man-to-man. But he probaly wasn't planning that from the beginning, he probaly either got the idea from Billy when he threw down his gun, took off his shirt and cut his face, or from Dutch when he did the same kind of thing. That macho take-off-your-shirt-and-throw-down-your-weapons shit is contagious when you're out there in the jungle away from civilization. But make no mistake about it, this Predator asshole is just some rich spacetourist coming here for some thrills. You don't fly all the way to earth for hunting unless you got some serious money in your account. That opening shot of the shuttle firing off of the mothership and heading for earth? That's the Predator Luxury Vacation Cruiser bringing Predator to earth for the Deluxe Big Game Hunting Package. I mean come on. Let's not glamourize this guy.

On the other hand, I gotta be fair. We don't speak predator and we don't know what happened on that ship before he blasted off. Maybe they got in a big argument and he said fuck this, got in an escape pod and shot off to earth with both middle fingers blazing. Then he landed in the jungle and the soldiers there pissed him off, one thing led to another and the next thing you know there's some skinned earthlings hanging from the trees. I mean I'm still leaning toward the rich tourist theory, but in the interest of fairness I gotta acknowledge "disgruntled predator on a rampage" as a possibility.

PREDATOR made the 2006 revised Badass 100 list, which is why I decided to re-watch it for the first time since the 1980s. I guess I owe some of you boys an apology because I've talked some shit about PREDATOR now and then, and it turns out you were right, this is a pretty good movie. I liked it at the time but I figured that was just the '80s talking. And it's true, this is clearly an '80s movie. You got Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) with his thick accent, somehow getting away with playing "Dutch," the leader of a platoon of elite American soldiers. We had our own special brand of excess back then so a soldier couldn't just be tough, he had to be fuckin Mr. Universe, apparently spending all his time working out instead of going on missions. And we were fascinated with firepower back then so the best character in the movie, Blaine, played by Jesse "The Body" Ventura (I-MN), had to carry around a giant gatling gun he apparently pulled off of a helicopter (I'm not sure if it's bigger than the purposely ridiculous "Big Fucking Gun" from the movie DOOM, but it's comparable). There's one laughable scene where everybody just stands around firing machine guns and shit into the woods, firing a HARD BOILED amount of bullets for a couple minutes at some innocent trees. Because back then we loved machine guns and we wanted to see as many bullets fired as possible, no precision required. Also, you got some terrible oneliners ("Stick around") and reliance on the heat vision and camouflage effects that aren't really as cool now as they seemed at the time. And I gotta be honest, I never knew the Predator was 7 feet tall until I watched the behind the scenes documentary. Maybe they shouldn't have given him that giant helmet. So I'm against the helmet.

But that was the kind of stuff I was remembering when I wrote the movie off. All the good stuff I forgot is what made the World Badass Committee rate the movie so high this time around, and they were probaly right. The number one reason is that it's very well directed by John McDIEHARDTiernan. With somebody else it could've easily been a cheesy monster movie with guns, but McTiernan knows what to do. The production values are great. It's shot more like a serious war film than a horror movie. Instead of some cheeseball keyboard score or noodly guitars like you get in alot of movies from the era, you got a menacing score by Alan Silvestri, that BOMP-BOMP... BOMP-BOMP... type of score like THE TERMINATOR or Basil Poledouris. It sounds like a mix between a theme song and the footsteps of a giant coming toward you.

And then the other thing is, you have a great ensemble of badasses here, and you know it as soon as the helicopter shows up with the team of special ops guys. First you got Jesse the Body, who spits out a big mouthful of tobacco and says some macho bullshit, but you don't really care how dumb the line is because Jesse the Body has such a cool voice. (Unfortunately his dialogue in the movie is pretty minimal.) Then you have Bill Duke, who I guess is supposed to be Jesse's best friend, although I didn't know that until he was all broken up over Jesse's laser-death. And you got Carl "Action Jackson" Weathers in the #2 badass slot, the CIA guy that recruits them all for this mission. The new discovery for me was Sonny Landham (R-KY) who I don't remember from all the other movies he's in but he has a deep voice like Jesse and adds a tough guy edge to the mystical Native American warrior stereotype. (The making of documentary claims that the insurance company forced them to have a 7 foot bodyguard on set at all times to protect everyone from Sonny, but I can't find any evidence of why this would be necessary.)

Also you got Shane Black (writer of LETHAL WEAPON) as the conpicuously less muscled guy on the team who tells jokes about large pussies, and one other guy.

And of course Arnold. I'm not against the guy as an actor, I really like TOTAL RECALL for example, and CONAN. But I don't worship him like some people. You know what it probaly is, it's like Mickey Mouse. The guy is such an icon, so synonymous with action movies, that after a while you've looked at him too many times and he's lost all meaning. But still, it must be acknowledged, he's cool in this movie. He smokes cigars alot, which makes him a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT character than what Arnold would often play, in a movie without cigars. At the end, after the spacetourist has murdered all his friends, he goes primal. He builds a bunch of booby traps and tiger pits and shit, he covers himself in mud, he picks up two huge torches and screams into the jungle like some kind of fuckin mad sasquatch on the loose. With the subtitles on it it should say COME HERE YOU FUCKIN TOURIST I WILL PULL OUT THOSE SPACE-DREADLOCKS ONE BY ONE, FORCE YOU TO EAT THEM THEN WAIT FOR YOU TO SHIT THEM OUT AND THEN FORCE YOU TO EAT THEM AGAIN, AND THAT IS THE NICEST THING I WILL DO TO YOU YOU DIRTY SONOFASPACEWHORE.

It makes no sense that putting mud on his face would prevent him from being seen by heat vision. At the very least Predator is gonna see his eyes. Unless maybe he's wearing contacts and the heat vision is powerless over contacts, but I think they would've mentioned that if it was supposed to be the case. Oh well. The magic of cinema.

I like Arnold in the movie but Jesse the Body definitely steals the show while he's there. The guy is so macho and arrogant that he becomes charming. The line "I ain't got time to bleed" obviously comes to mind. And he has a cool hat. Honestly, alot of people wouldn't be able to pull off that ridiculous gun, "Ol' Painless," but Jesse does it. They have on-set interviews with him on the DVD and he is so proud and bragadocious about the gun that it's clear he's the guy confident enough to pull it off.

Also, I read a little on Jesse's political career and it sounds like he definitely beat Schwarzenegger in the governing department. I don't agree with all of his views but he sure impresses me more than most politicians. Am I reading this wrong, or did he really give a tax refund and STILL get mass transit constructed? I wish he was mayor of Seattle. He also apparently supported gay rights, medical marijuana and third parties (obviously). At one point there was a bill to promote the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools. I'm sure every other governor in the country would've signed off on it and got a little extra shine on their American flag lapel pin. But Jesse vetoed it and said, "I believe patriotism comes from the heart. Patriotism is voluntary. It is a feeling of loyalty and allegiance that is the result of knowledge and belief. A patriot shows their patriotism through their actions, by their choice [such as voting, attending community meetings and speaking out when needed]. No law will make a citizen a patriot."

In PREDATOR he chews tobacco abd says, "Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me." Same guy.

But even though Jesse is my favorite on the team, you gotta give the movie credit for how solid the whole team is. I mean, The Terminator, Apollo Creed, Jesse the Body, Bill Duke and this Sonny Landham guy all in one elite force? That's a hell of alot closer to a real Dirty Dozen than you usually get in an action movie, especially in the '80s. And when the action goes down it's some good stuff, partly thanks to my man Craig R. Baxley. PREDATOR is important because of its place in Baxley's career. It was the first time he got to be second unit director on a feature film. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it was also his last movie as a stunt coordinator. A year later, he and Carl Weathers went off to make ACTION JACKSON together. And the rest is Baxlistory. Which is a real word, in my opinion. Look it up.

Anyway, what I'm saying is: welcome to the Badass 100, PREDATOR. I didn't think I'd ever say this about a Schwarzenegger-fighting-an-alien movie, but I approve.

Subject: Re: Whats the *smallest* crowd you've seen a movie with?
Date: 12/17/1999
Author: Vern <outlaw_69@my-deja.com>

Well I gotta admit when I was still drinking i went to see a cartoon about the bible. This was an american cartoon i believe not japanese so there was mostly kids in the audience, possibly christian. Maybe eight or ten kids plus parents which is a small audience in my opinion although not the smallest.

Well like I said this was when I was still drinking and i had done a lot of bible reading while I wa sin the can, so i guess I must have been pretty belligerent. the thing is these motherfuckers in the cartoon kept singing and what not which in my opinion was a pretty liberal interpretation of the text. so i'm yelling "THIS IS NOT IN THE BOOK, THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT" or whatever and i guess the tone of the voice or whatever, some of the kids started to get scared.

well when the manager tried to make me leave of course i told him look man, I paid the money, i'm a christian as a matter of fact, this is something i want to see, and I'm going to cut off your balls or
whatever. they let me stay but everyone else left so I saw the second half of the movie by myself.

so yes i believe that is the smallest audience i've seen with although i am now 100% sober so i didn't have the same problem with the toy story movie.

--Vern

Racially questionable double feature:
John Ford's PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND

and

After my recent Lincoln assassination phase (which mostly just consisted of reading Manhunt by James L. Swanson) I found out about this PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND movie. It's about Samuel Mudd, the doctor who treated the leg John Wilkes Booth broke by jumping out of the balcony after shooting Lincoln (fuckin ham). Mudd was convicted as part of the conspiracy but instead of being hung he was sent to Fort Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas. He tried to escape once, but failed, and had to stay in a dungeon for a while. But when a brutal yellow fever outbreak killed the prison doctor, Mudd agreed to take over and won the approval of 300 soldiers in the fort, who signed a petition for him to be pardoned. Sure enough he was later pardoned by Andrew Johnson.

The movie tells all those aspects of the story, but laces them so full of bullshit I really could not enjoy this movie. It should be called LIAR OF HORSE SHIT ISLAND. The main premise of the movie is that Mudd was just a random doctor following the Hippocratic oath when an injured stranger showed up at his door. Then he was railroaded by mean, crazy Northerners. The movie starts out by saying that Mudd's name has since been cleared, but unfortunately after the movie was made his name was uncleared. He may not have known about the assassination but he did know Booth and in fact was waiting to help out in a conspiracy to kidnap Lincoln. That's why he lied and pretended he didn't know who Booth was. In the movie he really doesn't know him personally or recognize him, and even makes small talk about how much he likes Lincoln.

Of course, the reason the real Mudd hated Lincoln is because he liked slavery. He was a racist. In the movie he's a slave owner, but a real nice SONG OF THE SOUTH style slave owner. His slaves take his side when a mean, crazy anti-slavery zealot comes on their property. One of the slaves likes Dr. Mudd so much he helps try to bust him out of prison. None of the actors who play the slaves are listed in the end credits, because it was 1936.

In the prison John Carradine plays a mean, crazy Yankee soldier who beats the shit out of Mudd. Representing Southerners there is one character that is equally or maybe even more cartoonish, Mudd's Confederate veteran father-in-law. He's really over-the-top but it's played for laughs like it's kind of cute and lovable. He also explains that the Civil War had nothing to do with slavery and in fact was about state's rights. (You know, rights to do things, not slavery necessarily, but, you know... whatever, let's not talk specifics, it's just about state's rights is all.) The music swells in admiration of the crazy old man's bravery when he commands a warship to try to rescue his innocent son-in-law.

In reality this most likely did not happen, because his son-in-law was not innocent and because he himself was dead.

The thing is, this really is an interesting story. Despite Mudd being a racist liar and everything he really did his doctor thing in that fort so in a sense he became a hero. In fact the real version is kind of more dramatic than the fake version because of that contradiction. The movie also points out that the government abandoned our system of justice to deal with the conspirators. They suspended habeas corpus, had a military tribunal instead of a jury, they even executed a woman for the first time in American history. Pretty cold-blooded. It's an important thing to think about. I don't disagree with what they did all that much but I got a problem with how they did it when I think about it in modern terms.

Obviously I agree with the message that we need to keep our system of justice in place even (especially) in the face of overwhelming tragedy, otherwise innocent people can get hurt. It's a message that's more relevant now than when the movie was made. But the movie stacks the deck as much as the military tribunal did, pretending Mudd was just an unlucky innocent, making everybody involved make hammy, evil or unfair speeches and then Mudd gives an eloquent plea for justice and they strike it from the record.

I'm sure some film historians can set aside history and modern values to enjoy what I'm sure is a well made fairy tale, but it was too much for me. I watched the whole thing, but I couldn't get into it. Afterwards I needed an antidote, and luckily (I thought) I had the perfect one: NINJA VENGEANCE.

Okay, you may think that sounds like a weird choice, but you'll change your mind when you see this fuckin cover:

What more needs to be said? I was at the video store and I saw this. I wasn't really looking for a crappy 1990 ninja movie on VHS. But it doesn't matter what you're looking for, when you come across a concept so perfect and so "why the fuck didn't anybody do this before?" as ninjas vs. Klansmen, you really don't have a choice but to rent it. You don't even have to read the back of the box. But you do have to read the tagline, which in case you can't read it there is:

You can't fight the evil forces of power without the power of force.

Word. True dat. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Let's take a moment to think about this ninjas vs. Klansmen concept. I mean when you think about it, they have alot in common. Both cover themselves in cloth covering everything but their eyes and maybe hands. Both are mean bastards who kill people. Both like to set things on fire. Both base their lives on outmoded ideas that the rest of society has long since moved past.

But in other ways they are perfect opposites. Klansmen wear white, ninjas wear black. Klansmen have pointy hoods, ninjas have unpointy hoods. I'm not sure if ninjas ride horses or not, I'm gonna say they don't, which is the opposite of riding a horse, which is what the Klan do. Ninjas are highly trained masters of martial arts and multiple forms of weaponry and stealth, Klansmen are a bunch of semi-retarded yahoos with shotguns. It's no wonder they don't get along. Plus you gotta figure a ninja is probaly gonna be Asian, the Klan is gonna be against them due to bigotry. Also the Klan are so dumb they might be going after ninjas for wearing black, the color of the race they hate the most. Even the word "ninja" sounds kind of similar to a racial slur the Klan like to use. So this is the best idea since SNAKES ON A PLANE!

But similarly underwhelming. Tragically there is not alot of ninja-on-Klan violence in this movie. Those two people you see on the cover I'm pretty sure are not the same people in the movie. The ninja definitely is not in the movie, because the only time you see a ninja costume is when the dude is unpacking his suitcase. He never puts it on! What the fuck is going on here? Didn't these filmatists ever see NINJA? You at least gotta put it on at the end when you go to war.

It does start out with some of that clueless home-made charm you get when first timer independents outside of Hollywood try to make a movie. The dialogue and the delivery of said dialogue are endearingly terrible. There's lots of ridiculous ON DEADLY GROUND style looped dialogue. ("Remember that game where you got the winning touchdown?" "That wasn't the only game I won that night!") The situations and behaviors are humorously ludicrous. The ninjitsu-practicing hero (a white guy, of course) is passing through town on his way to a ninja conference when his motorcycle breaks down, DOC HOLLYWOOD or COOL AS ICE style. His motorcycle, I am happy to say, is a Kawasaki Ninja, and yes there is a long close-up of the logo to make sure you know this.

I'm not sure how good this guy Craig Boyett is at ninjitsu. He does seem to know a few moves. But somebody must've decided he was best at somersaults, because he's always doing fucking somersaults. Whenever someone comes at him, or surprises him, or even when he almost bumps into somebody on the street, his response is to do a somersault.

He never uses a sword like on the cover. He practices nunchakas in the park but never uses them on anybody. He has throwing stars but they're only thrown dismissively by racist cops. I don't think he owns a blow gun. They show his suitcase full of weapons more than once, that is proper action movie grammar, but then to never use them is improper, and should probaly be illegal. It at least demands vengeance.

Speaking of which, there's very little vengeance in the movie. He spends most of the movie running through the woods hiding. He gets in a few scuffles in self defense and then repeatedly whines about how he's supposed to avoid violence. To be fair there is a part where a Klansman does karate, that's pretty funny. And a Klansman catches on fire. But the only real ninja shit this guy does besides the somersaults is one smoke bomb and a sort of clever scene where he picks the lock on his jail cell and you only see it on a security monitor over the heads of the female lead and racist lead having a conversation.

The female lead is kind of cute and shows her boobs. Her best friend has just been murdered in a hate crime by racists including her own dad, but she likes this white ninja so they fuck in the woods. You keep expecting Jason Voorhees to show up, but I guess that would only end up being another wasted opportunity when the ninja and Jason don't end up fighting.

One surprise is that the opening credits are negative images of ninjas sparring and I thought "Hey, that looks like that white guy from that ninja book I got at the used book store." Sure enough the lead character's mentor (shown in flashback) is Stephen K. Hayes, author of Ninja: Spirit of the Shadow Warrior and I'm sure many other books. Our hero has some ninja instructional book in his suitcase, I'm not sure how good that one is but I wish he had Spirit of the Shadow Warrior because it has some pretty good advice in there that would've helped him be more badass. For example there is one action movie style scenario given where "a couple of obnoxious tough guys" get in your face at a roadside diner. Some of the options for how to respond include:

Fuck that shit. I guess at least he doesn't do that. But he would probaly choose the Earth method which is basically to stay cool and calm them down and hopefully they won't want to fight anymore. A good thing to do in real life but not in a ninja movie. Especially when you're not even wearing a ninja costume! Where is the ninja in this ninja movie, I ask?

So it doesn't deliver as a ninja movie, but the other sad thing is it doesn't even have that broad anti-racist spirit I needed to counteract the pro, uh, states rights spirit of SHARK ISLAND. Because for a so-called ninja getting so-called vengeance on some asshole bigots who murdered an innocent kid there sure is a weird lack of righteous indignation. At the beginning of the movie the white ninja is in a diner and witnesses a group of African-Americans getting bullied and then forced to leave by a group of racists, one of them a cop. Not only does he not say or do anything about it, when he tries to leave and his motorcycle doesn't start he doesn't hesitate to accept help from the racist cop. Later he's coming into the motorcycle shop and has to do a somersault to dodge the young black man being physically thrown out the door. He still doesn't seem bothered by this and cluelessly says to the girl, "Your friend seemed pretty upset." It's not until he sees a circle of bigots in hoods beating the guy to death that he finally seems offended by all this.

And in true SHARK ISLAND fashion the girl's dad is treated way too sympathetically by the movie. At the end he looks at a picture of his deceased wife and has a change of heart and he and his daughter get along again. He tries to humbly play down his heroism by saying that "it's getting out of hand, somebody has to stop it." When it was just a guy being murdered that was one thing, but lately with all this chasing it's getting out of hand. If I'm not mistaken this guy participated in beating his daughter's friend to death because he was black! With a sheet on his head! And we're supposed to be touched that he makes up with his daughter. Let bygones be bygones. Earth response.

I mean, I understand things are different in the south, but this isn't Jim Crow era, or even the '60s. This is fucking 1990! Shit, Billy Jack is a pacifist too, he was interfering with these types of incidents almost 20 years earlier. So this guy is already hard to sympathize with before you know he's a poor excuse for a ninja.

Unlike SHARK ISLAND, the black actors do get listed on the credits. Of course, most of them are just in a list under the word "BLACKS."

So, damn, I guess I struck out with that double feature there. Of the two I would say PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND has the better production values and acting, NINJA VENGEANCE has more unintentional laughs. So if you have to decide between the two, I don't know, maybe go with NINJA VENGEANCE. Or maybe just look at the cover.

The Burns Gang, three brothers, recently attacked some family, raped and killed a pregnant woman. I don't know about you but I'm against it and in fact so is middle brother Charlie (Guy Pearce) who was so offended he decided to take little brother Mikey (Richard Wilson) and run off. But of course it's those two remorseful brothers that have been captured by Ray Winstone now, not the ringleader Arthur (Danny Huston). Since we didn't see the attack we don't know for sure how guilty they are or how much of a chance they had to stop it, but Winstone seems to believe this Arthur is the guy to get. So he takes Mikey, lets Charlie go, says I'm gonna kill little brother on Christmas Day unless you kill older brother. That's the proposition.

This is a western, but it takes place in Australia. I'm not familiar with the geography of Australia, for all I know this takes place on the East Coast, but oh well. It's a western.

The director is John Hillcoat, writer/composer is Nick Cave. Together they create a hell of a mood. Nice dirty, sunny look and it's interesting to have aborigines instead of Indians. You would think spears would do more damage than arrows, but Charlie manages to survive one. So if you are reading this and you are Rambo or Ted Nugent then don't worry about it, no need to switch to spears.

People have been recommending this to me as a badass picture for a few years now. Everybody has their own definition of 'badass,' but personally I think this is some other thing that's also good. Pearce never plays a cool ass kicker. He's always some sensitive troubled type individual who genuinely hates violence. He only uses it quickly to end this shit and it doesn't seem like he'll do it again. This isn't really a movie about badasses. It's about family and what happens when the only family you have is psychotic. Don't you still sort of feel bad for them? Charlie watches a sunset with Arthur and has a chance to push him off a cliff. But just then Arthur turns around and says "Mikey deserves better. You did the right thing taking off." How's he supposed to kill him after that?

And you honestly don't know what choice he'll make now. Does he choose younger brother over older? Does he try to save both brothers? I mean it's easy to see a movie arguing "family is more important than anything else" or you could see it saying to turn in the killer. If he kills people he's not a real brother anyway.

It also has another theme relevant to These Time We're Livin In (TTWLI). By consorting with one Burns Ray Winstone's playing with fire, it's like the way intelligence agencies work with terrorist double agents or how our government has "friendly dictators" they choose to see as good guys as long as it's convenient. Winstone strongly believes in his proposition and gets raked over the coals for it by a prissy higher-up who manipulatively allows Winstone's wife (Emily Watson) to overhear them arguing so she knows her husband made a deal with a guy who was there when her pregnant friend was raped.

The movie cleverly lets you see Winstone and Pearce as good guys without exactly endorsing this approach to law enforcement. Winstone admits he may have made a mistake, he just wanted her to be safe, he knows nothing about justice. And it backfires: Arthur Burns comes to get him, which he wouldn't have done if Charlie wouldn't have come and told him Mikey was about to be hanged.

The scene with the most powerful statement is also about the complexities of justice. Pissed about the proposition the captain decides Mikey should get 100 lashes. He makes a speech about Mikey being bloodthirsty as we can ironically hear Mikey's cries of terror in the background. The crowd, including Emma Watson, do not seem bloodthirsty, but maybe a little satisfied that this guy will be punished. Then, as they watch him get whipped over and over, their faces start to look more and more disturbed. Finally the scene seems to be over as the whipman squeezes blood from the whip, a horrible sight. But then you realize he's only on 38! Watson almost pukes, then faints instead.

So there's alot of interesting subtext in this one but when it comes down to it it's a western. The reason you like it is because of the sun and the shadows and the sound of wind blowing through the bulletholes in rickety walls. And the spears instead of arrows. I would like to see them riding kangaroos instead of horses but you can't have everything. Anyway, way to make a Western, Australia. I look forward to this director taking a shot at Cormack McCarthy's THE ROAD.

THE PROTECTOR
real title: TOM-YUM-GOONG
should be the title: WHERE ARE MY ELEPHANTS?

Well, I can't say I didn't know what I was stepping into. The import DVD of the newest Tony Jaa movie (from the same director as ONG-BAK) has been circling around forever and a day now but I never got around to seeing it. Now those gangsters Bob and Noodles Weinstein have unleashed their bastardized and cut-up version across the screens of America. I knew it was probaly gonna be dubbed, I knew it was shortened (that's what the Weinsteins do: buy other people's movies, then cut parts out of them), and I knew it was re-scored.

And it was actually that last part that reeled me in like a sucker fish. Because in the newspaper ads it says in giant letters, almost as big as the title: "MUSIC BY RZA."

I knew it was wrong to take somebody's movie and re-score it just to sell tickets to marks like me, but still. Muay thai and RZA beats, right? Sounds like a good Friday afternoon at the Cinerama.

And okay, it was. The movie is definitely worth seeing if you're a fan of martial arts. It's very similar to ONG-BAK. Once again Tony Jaa is a naive, rural traditionalist. But instead of the head of a Buddha statue being stolen from his village, it's two elephants (one adult, one baby) that his family are sworn to protect. This isn't some gimmick like that movie with Bill Murray. Elephants are very important in Thai culture and history, Jaa comes from a long line of elephant trainers, and he actually owns two elephants in real life. One of his big breaks as a stuntman was as a double for Sammo Hung in a commercial where he had to roll off an elephant's tusks onto its back, and it's cool to see him do a few of those types of tricks here.

Language-wise it's a real mish-mash. Alot of it is in the original Thai, some of it was already in English (since it takes place largely in Sydney, the Vancouver of Asia), then for some reason some parts are dubbed into English. I'm not sure what the thinking is - there is more than enough subtitles to scare away the illiterate neanderthals who they assume all Americans are, so what's the point of fucking up parts of the movie by dubbing it? Who are you trying to please there?

There was probaly an explanation for how he goes from his father being killed and his elephants getting swiped to facing down the criminals responsible, but if so we're gonna have to go steal those scenes back from the Weinsteins. ONG-BAK had a generic but nicely executed story to string the fight scenes together, but this one (in its current form) has most of the string cut out so it gets confusing. People will say "Who cares, I just want to see the fights! FIGHT! And PUNCHING!" which is understandable. But the context for these scenes, I'm sure, was already there. It takes more work to cut them out than to not cut them out and now it makes it seem like Thais are a bunch of crazy retards who make movies where suddenly for no reason the main character is in a flooded, burning temple fighting a capoeria guy and a 7 foot bald muscleman. And yes, this scene is awesome but am I crazy to ask for some basic explanation of how the fuck Tony got into this situation? It would be one thing if they made the movie like this in the first place, but to take somebody's pre-existing, internationally popular movie and turn it into nonsense is kind of cruel.

There aren't (at least in this version) as many great stunt-related scenes as ONG-BAK. There's a good high speed boat chase. He runs up a fence or two. There's not anything comparable to what I thought was the best part of ONG-BAK, the chase through the market where he jumps over and through an series of pointy obstacles (knives, barb wire, etc.) But the fights this time are arguably even better. They don't seem quite as blunt and hardhitting, but they're beautifully choreographed and thrilling. Jaa knows the power of posing - the forms his body goes into between the hits is almost more important than the hits themselves. (The same principle as funk music, where the emphasis is on the 1 note. Ask Bootsy about it.)

There are at least three classic fights. Two of them involve Nathan Jones, a scary bald muscleman just shy of 7 feet tall, so he's more than a foot taller than Jaa. This guy just grabs Jaa by the head and throws him across the room, it's like some kind of super X-MEN or BLADE battle but you can tell these are both real guys. I guess I saw Nathan Jones in the Jackie Chan movie FIRST STRIKE, but here he has a little more personality than your typical Jackie Chan villain, just because when Tony punches his head ridiculously hard Jones laughs and says "YEAH!" I'd love to see this guy in some more movies - luckily he's in an upcoming MOST DANGEROUS GAME rip-off from prestigious WWE Films.

The most Jackie Chan-esque fight is the one where he fights a bunch of dudes on rollerblades and bikes, as well as a ROAD WARRIOR type on a 4-wheeler. There's all kinds of leaping into vans and through windows and up walls and shit. And you know he's not using wires or stunt doubles, although I'm not sure it's all real. For example did he really run up that glass window that, in the same shot, the 4-wheeler crashes through? I don't know, some of that stuff is probaly fake. Not that I'm gonna whine about, just trying to be honest.

But the most impressive scene, and one that will definitely go down in history, is a continuous one-take steadicam shot that goes on for more than four minutes as Tony Jaa fights his way up four stories to the guy he wants to face. As far as I could tell it was really done in one shot, although I've read there's a little digital enhancement as far as broken windows. Still, he beats up a ridiculous amount of people, throwing them down stairs, over ledges, through windows and doors. Someone who has the DVD will have to go through and tally how many people and pieces of furniture are broken. But if you thought that scene in OLDBOY was impressive, well, look out.

And all I could think is THANK GOD this guy was watching Bruce, Jackie and Jet while he was growing up and doing his thing. Jackie and Jet are getting old and compromised now. I think they still have some magic but it clearly can't last forever. So it's good to have a possible heir to the throne. Tony's persona is a little like Jackie's, because his voice and face are so boyish it's hard to imagine him playing something besides a naive, innocent hero. But like Jet he's more serious and he tries to work elements of his Buddhist beliefs into the storylines.

At least as THE PROTECTOR there's not as much humor as in ONG-BAK, which is kind of a bummer. The guy who played Dirty Balls is back, this time playing an Australian cop who arrests Jaa and then ends up on his side. I hope he always co-stars with Jaa because they play off each other well, they're opposites. This guy is short and wide, doughy instead of chiseled, out of shape, and his eyes look tired. He doesn't really get to be funny in this one but he still has a funny air about him. Way to go, Dirty Balls.

I thought there was a Jackie Chan walk-on too, but then I read it was only a lookalike. Sure looked convincing to me. Also, this must not've been on purpose but I swear there's a Rosie O'Donnell celebrity lookalike who you see eating a scorpion with chopsticks.

The miniscule amount of story that is in here is pretty cool. I love that he's doing it all for the elephants and he has a stronger emotional reaction to the death of an elephant than even the death of his own father. He keeps asking (in Thai) "Where are my elephants?" which is why I think that should be the title. It's like NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER or GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER. There's a great moment where he bursts into a big business press conference, baby elephant at his side, and yells "You killed my father! And you stole my elephants!" You don't see that every day.

So I don't regret seeing the movie, and if amazing fight scenes is all you need, you shouldn't miss it. But I do feel bad about supporting these assholes butchering somebody else's movies this way. They left Disney and started their own company, it's the perfect opportunity to start over with a clean slate and leave behind the horrible Miramax history of buying foreign films, leaving them on the shelf for years, bullying anybody who tries to sell imports in the U.S., then if they ever release them half the time they cut out half an hour and sometimes they change the title and the music and dub it.

Oh yeah, and as for the music. I was almost willing to let them massacre this thing if it was gonna mean that next great RZA score I've been waiting for since GHOST DOG. But yet again, it's a god damn lie. I'm calling you out Demon Dave style, RZA. THIS IS MY REALITY, RZA. If RZA is gonna score a movie, MAKE SURE RZA FUCKING SCORES THE MOVIE. Let me give you some examples.

GHOST DOG is RZA scoring a movie. One of the best scores of all time.
KILL BILL is not RZA scoring a movie. It's RZA helping compile a real good soundtrack. Okay, I'll forgive you because it works great for the movie.
BLADE TRINITY is not RZA scoring a movie. It's some other dude with RZA adding a little techno.
UNLEASHED is not RZA scoring a movie. It's RZA producing two half-assed songs that appear on the credits.

So you'd think I would've given up on these claims one or two disappointments ago, but here I was again believing the "MUSIC BY RZA" advertisement. This time he might've really done the score (it's credited to him and another guy, not the original Thai composers, so I assume they collaborated). But it sounds EXACTLY like anybody else's score. Lots of keyboard violin sounds and MORTAL KOMBAT percussion. Even some cheesy rock guitars here and there. There's nothing wrong with the score, it's fine, but nobody in the world would have listened to this and guessed it was by RZA. And when I say nobody in the world, I am including RZA. I am convinced that even he would've listened to it and when they told him he made it he'd say, "What? When did I make that? That doesn't sound like me."

Which would be fine if they hired him to score it in the first place and he wanted to waste his talents making a generic score and disappointing legions of fans and making babies cry and disgracing the legacies of Ol' Dirty Bastard and the late Ghost Dog. But there was already a score on this movie when they brought him in. WHY IN FUCK'S NAME are you gonna replace the old score with a RZA score UNLESS IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOD DAMN RZA SCORE? And then you advertise that RZA did the score as if some RZA fan is gonna go to hear this score and is gonna be happy with it. Are you DELIBERATELY trying to piss us off?

Here's what you do, RZA. Your pal Quentin Tarantino put his name on the movie just by adding a "QUENTIN TARANTINO PRESENTS" logo at the beginning. Otherwise, he didn't change the movie. That's all you gotta do, "QUENTIN TARANTINO PRESENTS..." and then "ALSO, RZA PRESENTS THIS AS WELL..." That's all you need, you don't have to waste your time replacing the score. Unless you're gonna give us some Wu-Tang.

I'm gonna pull out the big guns here to make my point. I'm gonna pull out DIE HARD. Do you think DIE HARD would be better if they "tightened" most of the story and just had the parts where he blows up the helicopter and the elevator shaft and hangs the guy on the chain? Would that faster pace give you a hard-on? How about if some of the dialogue was dubbed into, say, Japanese, the entire score was redone and some of the classical music was replaced by Asian pop songs? Would that be better, the same, or not as good? Do you think Japanese audiences would like it better that way? If so, would you think they were morons?

A real world example: SHOGUN ASSASSIN. Okay, I can see how that's a fun movie if you didn't know where it came from. But they just edited together the violent parts from two separate LONE WOLF AND CUB movies and dubbed that into English. The real movies are equally violent but also beautiful, mythic stories. The whole series made number 2 on our Badass 100 list, that's just behind the Man With No Name trilogy as the greatest badass cinema of all time. And yet to this day I meet people who won't watch the actual movies, they just know the version where they cut different swordfights together.

I believe that releasing a movie like this is an attack on multiple cultures. First of all, it's an attack on Americans because it's making the assumption that we are morons who are afraid of subtitles and have such short attention spans that we refuse to watch a storyline unfold in our action movies. When Miramax released Jackie Chan's underrated WHO AM I? they not only cut out some of the storyline, they actually cut out some of the action scenes! What is this fuckin obsession with movies being short? If it's so important for you to only release short movies then why not only buy short movies? That way you are saving alot of time, energy and resources, and you're also not being a big fuckin ignorant asshole. Everybody wins.

And then if you're not tired from mutilating somebody else's movie you will have more energy to come up with the new American title, and won't embarass yourself with this "THE PROTECTOR" bullshit. I mean, how braindead are you fuckin people, you got a movie about a guy protecting an elephant and you can't come up with a better title than that? A title that, by the way, was already used for a widely hated Jackie Chan American vehicle. But I don't think they're using it as an homage to that, I think it's an homage to the time they renamed Jet Li's MY FATHER IS A HERO as "THE ENFORCER."

Which brings me to my next point. I think these releases are also kind of racist, or at least xenophobic, or at the very least disrespectful toward the artform of martial arts cinema. These guys don't give a shit about the characters and stories, they don't WANT there to be characters or stories. They just want to sell us an Asian minstrel show. They figure if these silly Asian guys can flip around and kick each other fast enough then American morons will eat the shit up. The more generic the better. If it happens to have a distinctive title and concept FOR GOD'S SAKE be sure to hide that in the marketing. MY FATHER IS A HERO starred a little boy who is not shown or mentioned on the box for their version. TOM-YUM-GOONG is about saving elephants and they don't even show that on the poster or the ads. God forbid somebody remembers which movie this is six months from now. "THE PROTECTOR? Is that the one with Van Damme and Natasha Henstridge? Or the one with the wrestler saving his wife from Robert Patrick? Or is it a John Grisham?"

At the very end of the movie a narrator, who I assume is supposed to be Sgt. Dirty Balls, describes Jaa's character as an old fashioned guy who cares about tradition. He says that some people may make fun of Tony for that, but he is basically the greatest guy ever so fuck you (paraphrase). Ironically, the Weinsteins are dubbing that into the movie at the same time that they are cynically slicing pieces out of it to make it more modern and fast-paced and retarded. Because nobody likes that old fashioned "let's explain what the fuck is supposed to be going on in this movie" bullshit. Oh well. I guess that's the post-post-ironic world we live in.

So see the movie, but if you have access to the real version (or if you're willing to wait to see if they consider it worthy of inclusion on the American DVD) I'm betting that's better. Both as a movie and for the soul of America.

P.S. The Brits apparently call it HONOUR OF THE DRAGON, which is arguably even worse.

Shit man I really can't believe nobody told me about this movie! I'm out of the picture for most of the '90s and all the sudden Bruce is in a classic film that is NOT a Die Hard!

This is the story of Butch Coolidge, a boxer who gets mixed up with a crime boss named Marcellus Wallace. Marcellus pays Bruce to throw a fight. Word spreads that the fix is on and the odds get out of control. Butch and his buddy in Tennessee make huge bets on the fight and then instead of throwing it, he beats the other dude to death.

He flees to a hotel to hook up with his lady friend Fabian who is French I believe. This scene is a study in contrasts because we see that this bad motherfucker who beats a man to death comes home to his lady and gets all cute on us. They're all baby talking, rolling around on the bed snuggling and talking about "give me oral pleasure," "will you kiss it," etc., It's so true to life it's embarrassing to watch.

Well needless to say Marcellus is not happy about the whole not throwing the fight thing, and Bruce knows he's gotta get out of town. One problem though: when Fabian got his things out of the apartment she forgot the antique watch that his dad gave him after hiding it in his ass for five years while in a POW camp. I think he wants it for sentimental value because the ass smell probaly makes it not worth that much financially.

There is a real subtle touch I noticed where these two lovebirds are goofing around in the shower, calling each other mongoloid and Bruce starts teaching her spanish phrases like "What time is it?" Fabian gets this look on her face and says "Bootch?" (that's how she says it, she is French) but he's falling asleep and she says "Never mind." I think she knew she forgot to get the ass watch.

Anyway Bootch goes back for the ass watch and runs into trouble, even crossing paths with Marcellus in a scene lifted from AL HItchcock's picture "Psycho." They have a chaotic shootout scuffle down the street and run into a pawn shop where a MAJOR out of the blue twist takes place. I won't give it away but let's just say these redneck S&M perverts tie them up and start doing Marcellus up the ass. (If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about)

This picture is about morals and redemption and what would you do if your worst enemy was getting raped up the cornhole and you had a chance to save him.

There is also some subplots about two hitmen and in a clever touch, one is played by Die Hard With a Vengeance's Samuel L. Jackson. You keep expecting he and Bruce to meet up but it never happens.

This picture has a very unique and at the same time familiar feel. It harkens back to the '70s with its fashions and photography and music and at the same time is nostalgic for the '50s which come to think of it was popular in the '70s so I guess this is just nostalgic for the '50s nostalgia of the '70s and not for the '50s themselves. What I like is that this film shows you the parts that would be cut out of the usual crime movies, like the part where the two hitmen get to their place of intimidation a few minutes early so they hang back and have a debate. These are some funny motherfuckers and they are kind of like little kids, they have to clean up the body before mom gets home. If anyone knows any other movies like this please let me know this is some good shit in my opinion.

It also has kind of an epic feel even though the stories are small. It is a long movie but never gets boring. The direction allows room to breathe and get to know these characters even though they are archetype type characters. There is great music but it is not wall to wall and there is no scoring or what not to interfere either. And the cast is great with many great performances: obviously Bruce and Sam, but also Johnny Travolta (who took a fall with the baby movies just as Bruce did), Chris Walken, Harvey Keitel the pimp from Taxi Driver, etc.

The young cinematist behind this particular picture is Mr. Quentin Tarantino who in my opinion is one to look out for. I will be discussing his other works in the coming weeks and I hope some of you will take my word for it and go check them out. This guy is good although I have reason to believe he reads spiderman comic books.

I couldn't tell you what made me decide to rent this one. I'm not a Schwarzenegger fan, I don't like looking at gigantic veiny muscles, and I'm not really interested in finding out why some people are. And yet, for some reason, I bring this one home and watch it. And it's pretty fuckin good.

First off I gotta warn you, there is some horrible fuckin music in this movie. It starts right at the opening and it's hard not to turn it off. Once you get past it, you basically see a story about a bunch of blond oafs lifting giant metal things, grunting, sweating, making ridiculous faces, not knowing what else to do with their lives. A young Arnold Schwarzenegger turns out to be the star of this professional bodybuilding world, sort of the Michael Jordan who everybody talks about, hopes to meet, doesn't think they can ever beat. They interview him and he talks about how he is really an artist, making a sculpture, only instead of clay he's using his body. You know, like Michael Jackson or that french gal in the upcoming cronenberg picture. Or that guy that pounds nails through his dick.

The movie gets interesting when it moves to the big competition in south africa. Schwarzenegger is expected to win. But there is a young underdog, a Rocky figure, who the movie also focuses on, named Lou Ferrigno. Remember, the guy who they painted green for the incredible hulk show. NOT Eric "Chopper" Bana, but the muscleman on the tv show. Lou Ferigno.

Well these two are some interesting characters, and unless you're some kind of complete asswipe, you're gonna side with Lou. He doesn't seem very bright at all, but he has one of them quiet intensities. He barely talks, and you watch his eyes and try to discern what he's thinking while his dad, a cop who retired from the force to become his manager, blabbers on. You know, it's a sweet gesture to retire from your job to help out your son, but when you see how the dad treats him it is clear that he really is trying to live his life through his son's gigantic muscles. At one point Lou goes out there and flexes his muscles and what not, and blows the judges away. He comes into the back and his dad tells him he did great, then immediately says why didn't you do such and such, and complains that even though he impressed them he didn't do it right.

Plus, Arnold (or Ah-nuld, as people call him now – get it, because of the accent. it's witty) is a grade-a asshole. In his interviews, he explains that he is the best, and even if Lou shows up and is 2% better than him, he will have a day before the competition to hang out with Lou, so he will be able to psychologically convince him to lose. He brags that he likes to give bad "advices" to young competitors who look up to him, so that he can beat them.

I think the most telling moment is when you see Arnold laughing and joking at an outdoor breakfast table in the sun, in South Africa, during apartheid, with five black waiters standing attentively several feet behind him.

If this wasn't a documentary, Lou would definitely win. But it's not so, you know, you might be disappointed. Who knows, I don't know.

Have you ever watched the world's toughest man competition on one of them sports channels? There are all these huge musclemen from all over the world, not bumpy and sculpted like in Pumping Iron, but more just huge rhinocerous-like dudes. And they do all these weird competitions like who can carry a slot machine the farthest or bend the most pennies in half, or a race where you have to carry a small car on your shoulders. Sometimes I watch it and I like it because those big dudes are really sweethearts. They interview the loser and he says he is so happy for the winner and glad he gets to go home to his family now and not have to worry about picking up a big rock attached to a pole and spinning it around in circles. One time I watched it and these two guys were arm wrestling, and one guy just broke the other guy's arm. And he was mortified! "Oh my god, I am soooooo sorry!"

Anyway that's almost what you get with Lou here, except he doesn't show it. You just see it in there, the torment that he has to go through, and all he wants to do is impress his dad by having arms way bigger than any normal person would ever need or want to have. It's a real good vs. evil situation and not to give anything away but it's too bad the bad guy went on to become a millionaire and international movie star and the good guy is probaly appearing at car shows.

But karma will catch up with you, Arnold. You saw THE SIXTH DAY, you know your time is running out. Why don't you do another one of those hilarious comedies. And then on Entertainment Tonight they'll say Schwarzenegger's new movie shows a new side of Arnold - you might be surprised! Unless you saw the one where he was pregnant, or the one where he was trying to find a doll before christmas, or the one where he was twins with Danny Devito, or the one where he went undercover as a kindergarten teacher, or the one where he had a cartoon cat as a partner.

Yeah I know he's doing Terminator 3, but that's an act of desperation. I predict straight to video within three years.

This is the new Adam Sandler picture, but instead of being directed by one of his college roommates, this one's by a real director, "p.t. anderson" (a.k.a. Paul Thomas Anderson, director of HARD EIGHT, BOOGIE NIGHTS and MAGNOLIA). Mr. Anderson - not to be confused with Paul "not Thomas" Anderson, director of RESIDENT EVIL and crap - is one of these virtuoso younger directors that's so obviously talented that people bend over backwards to prove he's overrated. Not too many people saw HARD EIGHT but they'll tell you BOOGIE NIGHTS was a ripoff of Scorsese and MAGNOLIA was a ripoff of Altman and now they're saying PUNCH DRUNK LOVE is good for an Adam Sandler movie but it's Anderson's worst.

Well I'm not sure I agree with that. Sure it's a little lighter just because it's not long and it's got two main characters instead of a whole ensemble. It's not an epic. It's smaller than the last two. But it's his most original, and maybe his most genuine. Now he steps out from the obvious comparisons to other director's styles and shows you which parts are the p.t. anderson style.

It'll be funny if people go in expecting THE WATER BOY and get this instead. This is clear in the long, quiet opening scene where Sandler sits by himself in a big garage mostly just drinking coffee and talking on the phone about the regulations of a sweepstakes offer. It's a less cartoony, much more vivid world than you've ever seen Sandler in, but it's also full of surreal touches and mysteries, like the organ that somebody drops off on the street and he decides to keep it.

Mr. Sandler really is great in this picture but maybe what's most refreshing is he's not trying some formula to become a serious actor. He's not really doing anything that different from what he's done before. He's definitely not pulling some kind of Robin Williams tears of a clown bullshit. There are no dramatic monologues or anything. It's just that Anderson puts this guy in a context where you take his emotions seriously, and you can see the sadness and anger that is just behind those eyes waiting to get out. Well, actually there are alot of parts where it's not waiting to get out, he breaks alot of shit in this movie. He has kind of an anger problem, in my opinion. It's played for laughs here like it is in the other Sandler movies but also it's real sad. You don't see Bob Barker or anybody.

Mr. Anderson is one of these directors, like the other Mr. Anderson who did ROYAL TENENBAUM, who have an almost ridiculous attention to detail. So there are many great touches in this movie and I would rather not give them away by summarizing the plot. But as this lonely, socially inept toilet plunger salesman finds his first love (Emily Watson!) you find many great things you've never seen in movies quite like this before. As soon as you see his sisters, you know exactly why he's how he is. There are many scenes of loneliness and ineptitude that we can all relate to, like the part where he leaves Emily Watson's apartment and then tries to come back but has no clue which one he just came from. It's so true to life, emotionally speaking, that I'd have to say this is more sincere than BOOGIE NIGHTS which is dealing more with problems like "I am doing so much cocaine that I can't get it up and this is costing me my job," or MAGNOLIA which has real emotions but seems to pile every possible tragedy besides killer bee attacks onto one small group of characters. Laying it on too thick.

You also see two of the great Anderson regulars in there, Luis Guzman and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Unfortunately John C. Reilly, who was in all three of Anderson's other movies, is not in attendance.

This movie is a great balance of sad and funny. It has a very unique feel of dark comedy combined with old fashioned romance (made more glamorous by occasional lapses into rainbow colored abstract animation) and stupdendous use of music and car crashes. I'll definitely watch this one again.

Two years ago, I saw and accidentally enjoyed the 2004 movie THE PUNISHER starring Thomas Jane. It was another attempt at a movie version of some Marvel Comics Book which had once been made by none other than Dolph Lundgren. After I saw that movie, I wrote a review (see below), then I looked into the eyes of the universe and I made a solemn vow that one day maybe I would see the Dolph Lundgren version, who knows.

Well today I saw Dolph's version and I'm here to report that it's okay. I liked Thomas's version the best but this one definitely has its moments. Like the 2004 one, this is definitely more in the action movie/vigilante style than some kind of Batman or Superman deal. The main comic book element is that Punisher lives in the sewers and has tunnels to bring him everywhere. Also he has a wacky sidekick who is some kind of homeless guy who always claims to be a theater actor, and who always rhymes.

One nice touch is that at the start of the movie Punisher has already been the Punisher for ten years and has killed 125 people or something. So you don't have to bother with the whole explanation of how he starts out and everything. The movie begins with a news report about how the guy who killed former cop Frank Castle's family has now been exonerated by the justice system. A reporter asks this bastard if maybe he is worried about this Punisher guy who has been killing all his mob associates. He says no and dares the Punisher to come within a thousand yards of him.

But of course the Punisher is sitting nearby on his motorcycle. We don't see his face but we know it's him by the shot of a boot with knives attached to it. He follows the guy home and kills off his bodyguards while he's getting out the champagne. This is a fun scene because you never see the Punisher, he's like some unseen force throwing knives and shit. My favorite is when he nimbly tosses a noose around a guy's neck from a balcony above and lifts him up.

There's a bunch of reporters huddled outside the mansion and they hear gunshots, which for some reason causes them to run onto the property to investigate. I guess back then reporters would risk their lives for a story instead of just waiting for the government to announce the official explanation of what happened and then transcribe that word for word and pretend it counts as reporting. As they get to the front door all the windows start blowing out and the whole place is in flames. The mob boss stumbles out and falls over dead with a patented Punisher Skull-handled Knife in his back. Behind him you can just make out Punisher standing in flames and somebody yells, "oh shit, the Punisher!"

I know I'm describing this in too much detail but I just want to acknowledge that this is a great introduction to the guy, it's like he's a damn bigfoot or something and these guys got a blurry shot of him. Good stuff.

Unfortunately as we get to know the Punisher a little more intimately he starts to seem a little less cool. It probaly seemed to make more sense in the '80s, but now days you really gotta question anybody that's so obsessed with punishment. I mean if he just called it revenge it would seem a little more reasonable, but punishment? That seems kind of perverted. That's what the killer wanted in the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies, and the reason he wanted it was because his sexuality was stunted by mean nuns.

The Punisher is portrayed as crazy and over the line, but I think you're also supposed to see a certain amount of sense in what he's doing, and I'm not sure that holds water. Then again, The Punisher makes a better action hero than The Nuanced Solution Finder or The Guy Who Lowers the Crime Rate By Tackling the Root Problems Such As Poverty, Racism, Education, Drug Addiction and Parenting. I guess that's just the dumbifying power of the Cinema.

But still, this version of the Punisher doesn't go as far as the Thomas Jane version in making you identify with the character, because they make some pretty bad moves. For one thing, the movie opens and closes with a flying camera shot of him sitting in the sewer naked as he recites some cornball narration about his punishment philosophy. I mean, what kind of a guy sits around naked in a sewer narrating? The other problem is that Dolph is bad at the narrating. You guys know I like Dolph, ever since I saw BLACKJACK. The guy won me over. But in this role he is back in mumbling meathead mode like in all those movies where he's supposed to be Russian, and he's just not likable. When he's not murdering people he's sitting in the sewer brooding. Thomas Jane drank alot of booze, this guy seems just as miserable but he does it all in his mind. I like the tortured hero in theory, but it doesn't change the fact that he's just no fun. The only time you really like the guy is when he makes jokes at inappropriate moments.

For example, when he and his sidekick are both being tortured on racks, and he still won't give in. The Yakuza boss has to go to a meeting so she leaves him with the torturers. As she's walking away he says, "Wait!"

Also he looks kind of silly. They dyed his hair dark and it looks like they even painted his five o'clock shadow on him, I'm not sure, but whatever the deal is he looks phoney. At least he's not wearing the spandex with the skull on it.

But the plot is pretty good. The Punisher has murdered more than a hundred top gangsters, leaving them vulnerable. So some Yakuzas come and say they're taking over, the Italians will still do all the work but the Yakuzas will get 75% of the take. The Italians don't like this idea so to try to win them over the Yakuzas kidnap their children and say they're going to sell them into slavery.

At first Frank Punisher doesn't give a shit but his rhyming actor homeless wacky sidekick guy convinces him that the children are innocent, so he steals a bus and goes to save them. So basically the movie's about saving the children. This movie is actually a decent argument against the theory of badass juxtaposition I've been pushing all these years, because I think Dolph Lundgren seems less badass when he cares about children. But maybe that's just me.

Meanwhile, Punisher's ex-partner is the head of the Punisher task force. Most people believe Frank is dead and could not be the Punisher, but this guy knows it's him. He's played by Louis Gossett, Jr. and he's the only good actor in the whole movie.

The thing that makes this movie memorable is that it has a uniquely over-the-top tone to the violence. Alot of people get killed in this one (according to IMDb, 91 people not including large groups killed by explosions and what not). Lots of flying knives, swords, large explosions, bigass gundowns. They slaughter a whole dojo full of karate dudes (not fair, they don't have guns). Lots of characters use boots with knives that pop out of them. One Yakuza takes off her dangly earrings and throws them to nail a guy's hands into a wall. Apparently the original version was way more violent and better, but they cut it in most countries so I haven't seen that version.

There's one fight that takes place at Coney Island which is cool because you get to see a bunch of ninjas coming down a big slide firing machine guns. I always appreciate a movie that tries to find things you haven't seen before, such as a ninja/slide/machine gun combo.

Dolph used to be a karate champion and apparently for the karate parts in this one they didn't choreograph, they just had them spar, to make it look more realistic. I guess it works in a couple parts but there's not much hand-to-hand fighting, it's usually with weapons.

Speaking of weapons, I don't understand where Punisher gets his. He has these skull knives he always throws, and he never re-uses them. Just throws them at a guy and leaves them on the scene. These are nice knives, custom-made, and he goes through them like toilet paper. Not to mention all the guns and bullets he uses. I don't think there's any explanation for how he makes his living. I'm sure he saves money by not having to pay rent, and I never noticed him eating food or anything. But still, those weapons are expensive. He must have a seasonal job on a fishing boat or something.

The director is Mark Goldblatt whose only other movie as a director is DEAD HEAT, but he edited all types of shit including TERMINATOR 1&2, RAMBO and STARSHIP TROOPERS. I will not discuss his talents as a director because he edited ARMAGEDDON so the motherfucker is dead to me.

The writer is Boaz Yakin, his first movie. You might not've heard of this guy but he directed a real good one called FRESH years ago, and a couple others I care not to mention. His most famous is REMEMBER THE TITANS which I haven't seen. But he also co-wrote FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2 and I still think that might be the best straight to video sequel to date. So I got some amount of respect for him and figure he is responsible for the knives coming out of the boots and the ninjas on slides.

Overall, this is not exactly a great movie, but at least it's a distinctive one. If you only see one PUNISHER movie in your life, don't see this one. But if you have time for two, it's worth a shot.

Punisher War Zone? More like Punisher BORE Zone!

Nah, that was not sincere punning. Actually I was not bored and in fact enjoyed this stupid movie. What I mean to say is "The Punisher? More like The FUNisher!" But you know how it is, people tend to prefer negativity to positivity. That's why there's three movies called THE PUNISHER and not a single one called THE REWARDER. So I went the extra mile, I gave you both types of puns. Merry Christmas.

The Punisher is a unique motion picture phenomenon. Not too many characters are in movies three times, with three different actors, three different directors, three different approaches. Not sequels or remakes, each one is a do-over. I can relate to this type of series because I myself am a unique motion picture phenomenon: I am the rare individual who sort of enjoyed all three versions of THE PUNISHER. That's three more Punisher movies than most people are able to enjoy in their lifetime. In fact I would like to see them continue to remake THE PUNISHER every few years, every time with different actors, every time believing they totally fucked it up all the previous times but this time, this time they'll get it right, I just know it! If they give up after this one, though, at least we got a trilogy.

The PUNISHER WAR ZONE Punisher is played by Ray Stevenson, who was apparently on that show ROME. He's by far the scariest Punisher, he looks like he could smash his fist right into the center of your skull, which is in fact what he does to a mobster who looks like Lance Bass. This is a huge lumbering Punisher about two or three inches taller than Bigfoot and usually decked out in full combat gear including bulletproof vest that covers the neck and lower jaw. (Although occasionally he just wears a sweater.) This is a scary motherfucker but also the most comical of the Punishers because everything about him is so over the top that sometimes just looking at him made me laugh. Sometimes he kind of reminded me of Patrick Warburton who, come to think of it, should be considered for the fourth Punisher movie. I don't know man, seeing a big monster like that so passionately dedicated to killing - and I mean REALLY fucking killing - is kind of funny to me. He's a huge nerd for murdering everybody.

He's funny because even more than any previous Punisher, this guy DOES. NOT. GIVE. A FUCK. He opens the movie preparing weapons, then he casually walks into a mansion and horribly massacres an entire mafia dinner table, including wives. I don't think they even got a chance to say grace. (that would've kind of made the scene funnier though.)

In the fine tradition of Blade he also doesn't mind walking around in public covered in weapons. He has kind of a Batcave/flop house set up under a subway tunnel, and that traitorous fat dude from JURASSIC PARK comes by to bring him guns sometimes.

Of course you get some flashes of memory to remind you that his family was slaughtered, and also there is a little girl who likes him and wants to hold his hand even though he killed her dad by accident (whoops). There's not much more than that to try to give him depth, but Stevenson does have some sad looking eyes that almost imply some tragic beauty or something like that. And the funniest thing about him is that even though he looks like (and is) a guy who would go around causing even lower-tier criminals to literally explode, he cannot hide an intelligence and eloquence in his voice. The motherfucker sounds like a poet. He's got a soul. I guess that explains why we saw him in the graveyard crying like a baby before we even heard him say anything.

I like the scene where he tries to apologize to the widow of the undercover cop he killed (Julie Benz from RAMBO [4]) by giving her a bag of money. Most of the movie is more about funny violence than character moments, but there are bits here and there. It's a cliche for a violent character like this to go into a church looking for forgiveness, but they put a good spin on it in this one. It's revealed that he was once in the seminary and knows the Bible surprisingly well. The best part is when the priest quotes to him the verse about how you will be judged the way you judge others and he says he doesn't have a problem with that - in other words he's resigned himself to a violent death himself and knows he deserves it. A nice touch.

Then they put the cherry on top with the classic so bad it's good/so good it's bad line "Sometimes I'd like to get my hands on God." Unfortunately there aren't enough funny lines like that in the movie, but let's at least appreciate that one, even if we already saw it in the trailer.

I can't help but compare this to the other two Punishers, so I will have to say at this point that I liked #2, the Thomas Jane one, the best. Admittedly it's gonna be hard to go back and watch that one now for the simple fact that Ray Stevenson could probaly swallow Thomas Jane's head in one bite and not even gag. But it had the best combination of character and storytelling and the cartoonish flights into absurdism were a little more grounded in an old school action movie world like I like and not in the type of artificial soundstage world of the Lundgren and Stevenson editions. I have learned through talkback research that fans of the comic strip are enraged that Thomas Jane Punisher took place in Tampa, because EVERYBODY knows that this story can ONLY take place in New York City just like every god damn movie ever made.

Well, okay, New York is mean streets and everything but not as much when the "New York" is a fake looking one shot in Montreal. At least Tampa was shot in Tampa, and is therefore in the same country that your precious comic strip took place in.

It's hard to think of it as a real action movie when alot of it is shot with yellow and red lights to make it look like a cartoon world, and the villain Jigsaw (whose face becomes a human Leatherface mask after Punisher teaches him about how glass bottles are recycled) is one of those trying-to-be-funny overacting villains, not the scary type. For example when he unites the different gangs against Punisher there is a "funny" scene where he makes a "patriotic" speech in front of an American flag background. One of those parodies of parodies I'm so sick of.

The actor by the way is Dominic West, who's only bad part of the time and apparently is great on THE WIRE. Still, it's weird that John Travolta is the more subtle and restrained villain of these movies. How the fuck did that happen?

I've seen a few claims that this is the Punisher movie that "finally does it right," but I don't really understand what that means. As far as I can tell it's very similar to the Lundgren version. They both start with the Punisher already in operation, headquartered underground in New York City, with a task force trying to track him, they both have ludicrously high body counts and cartoonish violence, they both try to show Punisher's sensitive side by having him help children. In this one there are some characters who are supposed to be meth addicted parkour dudes (somebody calls them an "urban freeflow gang") - isn't that a 2008 take on the type of gimmicks they had in the first one (ninjas on slides, throwing star earrings, etc.)? And like that first one they fail to really deliver on the promise of the gimmick, because they kill them without ever doing any impressive freerunning stunts at all. It does lead to a big crowdpleasing laugh when Punisher comes after them, though, so it's not a total loss.

The appeal is similar to a bad/good slasher movie like SEE NO EVIL or some of the Jason pictures. You laugh at the utter ridiculousness and callousness of the violence. Punisher impales a guy on a spikey fence, then jumps onto his head. He impales a guy's face on a chair leg. He runs into a fat guy in an elevator (I guess I missed who that was supposed to be) and blows his head off. He picks people up and bashes them through windows and walls, drags people by the ankles, lights people on fire. He blows up a room full of gangsters, then goes out and shoots the bodies. What I'm saying is this is a guy that just overdoes it. And you can't even say he takes pleasure in overdoing it, because he doesn't seem to take pleasure in anything. He just doesn't know how to stop. He has an addictive personality maybe. They say he does this because of what happened to his family and maybe because he's a veteran but I'm betting his daddy was a drinker too.

A movie like SEE NO EVIL pretends you're not supposed to root for the killer, PUNISHER WAR ZONE openly presents him as the hero, which is a good joke. At first I wondered how exactly he could get away with all this, but then you realize all the cops just let him go because they like what he does. There's one FBI agent who is ethical, but he can't keep Punisher in line and keeps pouting with frustration. He's like the man with the yellow hat trying to keep Curious George out of trouble.

When I read about how violent and ridiculous the movie was I thought it sounded pretty good, or pretty terrible. Some of the internet writers who raved about this also loved hyperactive movies like CRANK. Although this has a similarly juvenile love of cruelty, I don't think it's obnoxious in that same way. The opening credits had me nervous, but the camera and editing work turn out to be restrained, it doesn't have all that showoffy shit that ruins some movies like this. It does have a schizophrenic soundtrack though, going between a score that I think is a little too big and serious and shitty heavy metal that's a little too "hey kids, do you like my cool earring? See I'm not old I'm just like you homeys."

I do mean it when I say this movie is stupid. It relies too much on the sadistic spectacle part without excelling in other areas. The other two Punisher movies prove you can do both - you can be lowbrow and ridiculous and still have a better story and dialogue than this. And the look is a little cheesy. But it is a good laugh and although by the time you read this it might be too late for you, I recommend seeing it with whatever small crowd can be mustered up for it. When I saw it everybody was together in laughing, sometimes with the movie, sometimes (I believe) at it. And it's refreshing to see a movie with this tone but NOT with the obnoxious editing and camera techniques that these days tend to be a given.

I'm afraid this might be the last try at a Punisher movie but at the very least I hope somebody sees Ray Stevenson in this and decides to cast him as the hero in other action movies. He's menacing, he seems smart, he can act and yet apparently he's not above doing this type of shit. That's a good combination for an action hero.