Happy new year everybody. Couldn’t be worse than the last one as far as my country is concerned. I hope.

Last year my resolution was what I called A COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE, and I guess I’m not the one to judge this but from my viewpoint I think it worked out pretty good. What I tried to do was just remember that you poor bastards out there are wasting your time reading some of this stuff so I should try to make it good. If I wrote a review and I wasn’t sure it was very interesting I wouldn’t post it right away so I could come back to it later and try to make it better. I’m sure I still put some duds up there but probaly alot less than I did prior to my Commitment.

This year though I’m not gonna renew the commitment. What I’m gonna do instead is called STRIVING FOR EXCELLENCE. See, if you have a commitment to excellence, what the fuck is that, anyway? All you do is say you’re commited. It’s like saying the flag salute every morning, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna go out there and stand up for the values you just pledged allegiance to, it just means you’re there in spirit or something. The difference between striving and commitment is the difference between trying to impress your new girlfriend and laying around reading the newspaper while your wife does the dishes. You still love her, I hope, but you’re just not striving.

That’s the difference. When you’re dedicated to STRIVING FOR EXCELLENCE you actually gotta put some elbow grease into it, by definition. If you just sit on your ass and/or laurels, you are not striving. My goal is to just be striving left and right, striving up and down, striving all over the place. I’m still gonna have gaps where you won’t see a review for a little while, but hopefully you will know that it is not because I am procrastinating or some shit. You will know I am out there somewhere striving. (more…)

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Procrastinating on my important scholarly duties last night, I happened to flip by C-SPAN and discovered a somewhat spirited debate in the House on the subject of withdrawing the troops from Iraq. A long line of republican veterans came out to list silly, illogical reasons why ending the war would hurt the feelings of the troops. They kept aiming their arguments at Murta, the 37 year marine veteran democrat hawk who has recently turned against the war and drawn up a plan for a six month withdrawal. I missed the part where a republican rookie read a letter calling Murta a coward and got shouted down, but I still got the distinct impression that British parliamenterians were sending our congress some tips. I mean this was rowdy.

But all this talk about Murta and the screen was telling me it was a republican resolution that was being debated. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on.

The resolution was “non-binding” and only stated that the House felt the troop deployment should be “terminated immediately.” Sounded kind of pointless but I was surprised it was actually being debated, even if only 2 democrats and 1 republican ended up voting for it.

But then I went onto this here internet device and read about the resolution and only then did I understand the sinister truth. If you haven’t heard, the republican leadership submitted a purposely stupid resolution to withdraw the troops, ahead of Murta’s more carefully planned one, just so they could shoot it down.

The hypocrisy is pretty staggering if you sat through any of these sanctimonious speeches equating “trying to end this war” with “calling the troops grandma skinning babyfuckers.” More than one of these guys brought up the old RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART 2 reinterpretation of Vietnam where we would’ve for sure won if those stinkin bureaucrats just gave us a couple more weeks to sew it up and where the morale was ruined not by the aimlessness of the war itself but by hearing that people in Congress were discussing ending it. The guys making this argument are Vietnam vets so okay, their arguments sound ludicrous, but let’s give it to them. They would know better than I would. But they lose credibility when they are claiming to be OUTRAGED that the congress is talking about this matter that will undoubtedly crush the fragile hearts of America’s finest. Okay, then talk to your fuckin republican leadership who submitted this resolution for the very reason that they thought it would make the democrats look “anti-military” if they talked about ending the war. (more…)

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On Friday when the indictments fell down on Irve “Scooter” Libby Jr. for obstruction and perjury, the democrat line of the day was “it’s a sad day for America.” There has been a tremendous blow to the dignity of the White House, a stain not on a blue dress but on the presidency itself, etc.

I’m afraid I gotta disagree. It’s not a sad day. The sad day was when the leak happened in the first place. We all knew it happened and we all knew it happened in the context of much bigger crimes. Back then, we were happy to hear about an investigation, but did anybody believe it would lead to anything? Did anybody think it really meant anything when John Ashcroft, after noodling around for a little while, announced that he was recusing himself? Don’t you remember all the stories we read about how this was gonna be a whitewash, like so many other investigations? Did you ever believe that somebody as high up as Scooter Libby would even be criticized in the media, let alone indicted?

How many people do you know who think Bush should be impeached, but that it’s not worth even trying since republicans control both houses and would never go after a president from their own party? I don’t think I’m the only one who doesn’t expect any of these bastards to ever be held accountable for their actions. That’s why Friday was a happy day for me. This represents a tiny smidgeon of faith in accountability. A little pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course, I still cancelled my plans for an Indictment Day cake, patriotic fireworks dislay, champagne toast and Ewok style celebration. ‘Cause all those leaks got my hopes up too high – I thought Rove was going down and now it’s not clear if that will happen. The only thing that’s more of a bummer than Karl Rove going on as usual is the realization that Dr. Thompson isn’t here to write about this whole mess. I bet he would’ve written a good one. (more…)

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I get alot of emails these days asking for a new Vern Tell’s It Like It Is column, with all the political business. Because there’s so much going on and some people I guess want to know what I have to say about it. Except one guy. There was the guy who wrote to me to say I was good with movies but I need to never talk about politics because I just copy the “talking points” from moveon.org. I checked out that web sight and it was a good suggestion but I couldn’t find a link for the talking points so I guess maybe that’s why I haven’t done a new column in a while.

KARL ROVE

Obviously the first order of business has to be this Valerie Plame/Karl Rove thing. But I mean, I don’t got much to say that hasn’t been said already. My reaction when I first heard about it obviously was like Roddy Piper in THEY LIVE when he sees all the rich ladies in fur coats and businessmen in ties are actually skeleton faced alien invaders, and he says, “It fuckin figures.” I remember Joe Wilson saying way back when this thing started that he thought Karl Rove was the leaker, and I wondered why he’d say that if there wasn’t more to it we didn’t know about. But then he backed off from that statement and I was as surprised as anyone to see it actually come out into the open all this time later.

Those first couple press briefings with Scott McLellan were fuckin A+ comedy classics. Man he must’ve been surprised to find out that somebody had attached balls to the entire press corps over the weekend. And disappointed not to have Ashton Kutcher ever show up. Also of note, the recent incident with Robert Benedict Arnold Novak losing it on “Inside Politics.” If you missed it, they were talking about Katherine Harris and James Carville made a little snipe at Novak about having to prove to the Wall Street Journal editorial page that he had backbone (not sure I totally follow that one), Novak said, “I think that’s bullshit and I hate that.” Then after a moment of contemplation he just got up and walked away like he was suffering from dementia. (more…)

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A few polite individuals out there told me they miss my political writings. It’s true, I’ve been avoiding these columns. The fact is, this country has gone so far into cuckoo clock land that it’s easier not to think about it or dwell on it too long. I don’t think that’s the right thing to do but it’s what I find myself having to do to avoid having a spontaneous culturally afflicted coronary. You gotta be careful, especially these days. I mean who knows what could happen. Let me just make it very very clear… if I end up brain dead in some hospital somewhere, pull the damn plug. If your toaster don’t work, you don’t leave it plugged in, man.

I mean I understand that that Terry Schiavo business was complicated. The husband wants one thing, the parents want another, that’s a tough one. And I haven’t heard them say this in so many words but I figure with the gays going around unsanctifying marriage left and right, the republicans had no choice but to ignore the husband’s point of view. It wasn’t sanctified enough to stick. In a 100% ungay, sanctitiously married world, the republicans would’ve definitely sided with the sanctity of the marriage, states rights, small government, don’t tread on me, etc. But all this fruitiness they saw on TV once makes them batty, they get confused and start having opinions that appear to us to be diametrically opposed to what they said was their opinion yesterday.

What I’m saying though is, I can imagine exactly one fate worse than rotting away over decades as an electrified cucumber, and that’s becoming an unwilling prop for republican wacko-baiting. They’re all pulling a Weekend at Bernies, pretending she’s aware of what’s going on around her. It wasn’t very convincing, but let’s say they were right. That would be even worse! What if somebody left a TV on and she had seen some of those speeches? Some hypocritical asshole up there pretending to be all choked up, talking about “this beautiful young woman” and calling her by her first name like he knew her personally, like he grew up with her, helped her set up her first lemonade stand. If that ever happens to me, please, FOR GOD’S SAKE, please give me the ol’ Old Yeller. (more…)

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“So motherfucker, can’t you see
I pity the sonofabitch that fucks with [Christo]”
–Rudy Ray Moore

Dear America,

I am Writing to inform you that I am at my last straw with you assholes making fun of Christo. It would be fine if you knew what you were talking about and were just giving him some shit, some snaps, some good natured ribbing and what not. But I’m afraid that ain’t the case.

Don’t give me that dumb look like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Christo, the legendary/infamous “environmental artist” whose work is usually described as “wrapping things in plastic.” Throughout the last several decades this dude and his wife/partner Jeanne-Claude (who never gets made fun of because the people who make fun of Christo don’t even know the basic facts of his work) have performed such epic feats as building a giant curtain through a valley, building a giant fence through Sonoma county, turning several islands into giant pink lilly pads, and wrapping up the Pont Neuf bridge over there in France. This week they finally unveiled a project in Central Park that they’ve been trying to do forever. Since it’s a big deal in New York and most of the American media is based there, now we gotta deal with a bunch of ignorant fuckers making fun of him on all the TV shows.

Now let me explain. The projects listed above, they all sound pretty stupid when you put it the way I put it. Just like “the guy from Moonlighting running around a building with no shoes on” sounds like a stupid movie. But you don’t see assholes going around making fun of Die Hard everywhere you look, so why Christo? Well I’ll tell you why. It’s because he’s literally the only guy in the world who does what he does, and that scares people. People assume that because he does these huge ambitious capital letter ART projects that means he is some pretentious fuck who thinks too highly of himself and too lowly of everybody else. They make an ass out of you and me. They make up this imaginary character doing imaginary projects that have nothing to do with the real Christo and Jeanne-Claude, and then they make jokes about it. (more…)

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