Usually I don’t write much about a movie before it’s made, because I prefer movies that exist. Every once in a while somebody sends me a script like LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD or RAMBO, but I usually ignore them. I would rather watch the finished movie and not know what the original plan was. And to be honest I’m not sure how qualified I am to tell you about the meal based on the recipe. But THE EXPENDABLES – a Sylvester Stallone action ensemble picture where he will write, direct and then star alongside Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Forest Whitaker and Randy Couture – is a big fuckin deal among those of us who love the action cinema of the ’80s and ’90s. We can’t help but dream about this one like nerds once dreamed of Star Wars prequels or new outfits for their limited edition Serenity dolls so they can act out what would’ve happened in the second season. So when Stallone’s script fell into my lap this time I couldn’t resist.
By the way I would like to take a moment to welcome A.B. King to the talkback. Welcome, A.B.
The ragtag team of the title are a group of elite mercenary badasses – at one point described as “totally prepared to die in a blaze of glory” – hired to take out a dictator in the South American country of Corza. I do not have an opinion on what’s going on in Corza because I believe it is a fictional country, but if in fact they’re real I’m against them. They got all kinds of human rights violations and shit. No good.
Of course, the mission is not necessarily what it seems, there may or may not be some doublecrosses and deceits, etc. (more…)
Tuesday night, downtown Seattle, heading home just after Obama’s victory speech:
As strangers pass each other on the sidewalks we see each other’s signs or pins, or just the smiles on our faces, and we shout and high five each other. “YEEEEAAAAAHHH!!!” Somewhere down the block someone is just yelling “OBAAAAAAAAAMA! OBAAAAAAAAAAAMA!” (more…)
Riding the bus home everybody was talking about it. What do you think’s gonna happen? Did you hear what she said this time? Do people really like her? Young women carrying their potluck meals to get-togethers, or calling home for somebody to preheat the oven. Never in my life have I seen – or felt – such excitement for a fucking vice presidential debate.
But I think most of them were expecting a blowout, like Gibson vs. Palin, or Couric vs. Palin, or The View vs. McCain. But honestly I knew better. Yes, she’s a moron who in recent interviews could not name a single magazine or newspaper that she’s ever read, or a Supreme Court case besides Roe v. Wade, or a reason why the things she’s been saying in dozens of speeches or in other interviews (like the one about she knows foreign policy because she lives close to Russia) have any meaning or logic behind them. But I figured they could train her for this carefully planned debate structure. After her interviews made her look like the least qualified person to ever run for office (including Dolemite), the expectations were real low. Not to mention the lowered bar set by Bush, who made so little sense in the 2004 debates that to this day I believe the “conspiracy theory” that he had an earpiece and was confused about who was saying what to him. And he still won.
So as long as she comes out there with two shoes on, no drool on her chin, and never says the n-word, obviously everyone is going to say she did better than expected. And to be honest I was very impressed by her poise and eloquence. (more…)
Wow, I’m looking back at my column archives, it’s like a logbook of political burnout. For a while there in the early 2000s I couldn’t stop raging about the latest headlines. By last year I only wrote 2 columns including the one on January 1st. I guess that’s the power of Bush and friends, you start looking at what they’re doing you either turn crazy or turn away.
But now it’s election time, the Ewok celebration song is cued up so the needle can drop the second Bush shuts the door behind him, and I’m getting excited enough to follow politics a little more than I was last year. As usual I’m not an expert, I’m just some dude, and I could be wrong. These are just some impressions from the parts I watched and read about the two political conventions.
By the way, I never been to one of these conventions, or to a comic book convention. But I read about them so much I started to wonder if they’re the same. Do people dress up as their favorite politicians? I’m not sure. Did either of the conventions show exclusive footage from Tron 2? Probaly the republican one. Shine up a rehash of the crappy ’80s and call it CHANGE. (more…)
You know, if there was ever a time when humans and dinosaurs co-existed like they used to do in caveman movies it would’ve been unfair. A t-rex comes by your cave and starts eating your clan, you’re gonna get pissed. You go out there and start throwing rocks at the fucker, poking him with sticks. Doesn’t do anything. You go back inside, paint some unflattering cave pictures. When he’s far enough away you go out and beat on a drum, trying to rile up the other clans. If everybody throws rocks at that thing, everybody pokes it with sticks, then we’re safe and we’re all gonna eat steak tonight.
So the next day everybody throws the rocks and sharpens the sticks. And again the next day. And the next. But no matter how many times you do it that asshole keeps coming back, keeps biting off heads. Eventually you get tired. You’re not afraid of that thing anymore, but you don’t feel like you can defeat it. So you go back in your cave. Not cowering in fear – worse. Trying to ignore it. Stay in here, wait it out. Eventually a comet will hit or something.
Sadly, that’s where I’m at with George Bush, and that’s why I haven’t written about politics in a long time. After the dinosaur eats a certain amount of people you become desensitized. But the wait is almost over. On a clear night you can see the comet headed this way. 2008 is here and the campaign is underway – time to find a president to fill the all time smallest shoes. Whoever they get will probaly feel like a comedian going on after Michal Richards’ infamous n-word breakdown. It’s uncomfortable, and there’s a mess to clean up, but you’re gonna come out looking pretty damn good by comparison. Even if McCain wins it’ll probaly feel good.
I had some people ask if I would write a column about the primaries. I do have some opinions, but I’m no expert. When I write about politics usually it’s not because I really want to, it’s because I can’t stand to be quiet anymore. But when we had the Washington State primary here back in February I decided to go to a caucus and see what the deal was. (more…)
You might not have noticed this, but I’m obsessed with THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. I consider it one of the all time great American independent films. I watch it over and over and I still keep noticing things I hadn’t before. I’ve read the book about how it was made, I’ve watched the documentaries, I took the fuckin remake personally like somebody had broken into my apartment and smeared shit all over the walls.
But I’m not the only one. I run into others like me every once in a while. I get contacted by them. We are everywhere, but you will not notice us. We have the power to blend in with our surroundings. You are probably staring right at us right now and you can’t even see us. We are invisible. Whoah – behind you! Too late. Nice try.
Anyway, I was intrigued when I heard that one of us obsessives is trying to make a movie about Tobe Hooper and friends actually shooting THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Not a documentary, but a drama, a re-enactment, I guess like BAADASSSS! or SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE, minus the vampire. The movie is called SOUTH TEXAS BLUES, and the director is named Christopher Garetano. I tried to get him to describe the movie in his own words, but as you will see he got a little abstract there, so you might want to check out this little featurette he made to explain the idea to investors:
I have no idea how good a movie that could be, or whether this guy can pull it off, or even if he will end up getting it finished. But he seems pretty tenacious and I know I’m hoping to watch this movie some day. So I got him to answer a few questions about it. Maybe we’ll check in with him again when he’s further down the road.
VERN: First of all, could you explain what SOUTH TEXAS BLUES is?
CHRISTOHPER GARETANO: SOUTH TEXAS BLUES represents the struggling artist’s state of mind. There’s a specific scene in STB that emphatically represents the title. It’s a fantasy sequence titled (in the script) “Beyond the Blue Wall.” Tobe’s line from the script (that he reads in narration during the scene) is: ”It’s a wall that separates the artists who suffer from the blues from the industry that despises them. It’s hard to bring the two camps together because they’re always fighting for different goals.”
That particular scene (visually) will be represented by one very long twelve-foot-high (guarded) brick wall. On one side of the wall is a cliché paradise right out of the most extravagant 1930s Hollywood movie set. It’s like David O. Selznick meets Shangri –la except for the heavily armed guards. On the other side is a murky dark blue circle of hell with one hundred or so vicious creatures called the “putrid blue artists.” They foam at the mouth, have razor sharp fangs, blue skin, black hair, and the blackest eyes. Voluptuous blue actresses carry (normal looking) headshots and expose themselves to the wall. Others carry cameras, scripts, etc. From out of the murky crowd comes Tobe wearing streaks of blue from head to toe.
Even his cigar and Panama hat are blue. Tobe fights his way (cigar in mouth) to the base of the wall. The putrid creatures claw at him as he scales the wall to the top. Some of the putrid blues make it to the top of the wall but are swiftly shot through the head by the guards. Once Tobe reaches the top, his body is bathed by the rays of the golden sunset (from the other side) and the blue begins to completely dissolve from his body. Tobe then jumps over into Shangri-la. (more…)
Aliens, predators, why do you always gotta fight? Why can’t you just resolve your differences? I know they say “whoever wins, we lose” but I’ve seen both the AvP movies and clearly nobody is winning anything. We lose, and you lose our respect.
RESURRECTION and RATATOUILLE were already taken and they needed something that started with an R, so the title of this thing is REQUIEM. That might make you wanna ask who died, but you already know the answer: the remaining dignity of aliens and predators across the universe. Two proud races slandered and humiliated, on the Lord’s birthday no less. And why? For what? What the hell did aliens and predators ever do to us other than entertain and delight us, scare us, fuck up our space colonies and skin some dudes in a jungle? Nothing. And for that we give them a franchise so lazy it can’t even be bothered to spell out its own titles.
Okay, let me say this. The directors of the movie, who are credited as THE BROTHERS STRAUSE (I picture them as the Barbarian brothers, preferably holding battle axes while on set), are not entirely incompetent. I don’t believe they will ever be smokin hot directors like Ridley Scott was when he created his masterpiece ALIEN (sorry BLADE RUNNER, but you know it’s true. Why don’t you go cry in the rain now?) or like James Cameron when he made one of the best sequels ever made (ALIENS or T2, take your pick). But better than Paul Not Thomas Anderson? Yeah, I’ll buy that. On par with Stephen Hopkins? Sure, why not? I could believe that. But this is no PREDATOR 2. That’s all I ask is a PREDATOR 2 or greater level of quality, but I didn’t get it. (more…)
Outlaw Vern tackles where 3-D is headed by looking at where it has been.
Man, 3-D is gonna save the movie industry! Movie theaters are making less and less money these days. People are staying home to watch movies thanks to growing ticket and concessions prices, the shrinking theater-to-DVD window, the crass commercialism of the multiplex viewing experience, a new generation of cell phone toting little bastards who think it’s okay to talk and answer phones and play video games during movies, movies that are shot and edited for a tiny monitor so you can only tell what in God’s holy name is going on if you watch them at home in slow motion, the continuing crapitization of the Hollywood blockbuster, the trend of movies being cut to PG-13 for theaters and released uncut a few months later on DVD, the extreme laziness afforded by Netflix mailing movies directly to your house, and most of all, because of that one girl who recorded 20 seconds of Transformers on her cell phone to show her little brother. Actually, forget about the first eight reasons I listed, it’s all because of that girl.
But never fear! Beowulf is in 3-D now and it’s like the first time they introduced sound or color! Except that they already introduced it a couple times, like in the ’50s and in the ’80s, and a few years ago with Polar Express, which used the same technology and was even from the same director, and didn’t save movies yet. But this time for real!
Actually, it’s not a bad idea. I’ve always dug 3-D movies, at least when it’s done well. The old kind with the one-color polarized glasses looked great. I saw the original House of Wax that way, and Friday the 13th 3-D, and Captain EO. It looks like a giant View-Master. Nobody can watch it the first time without at least once trying to reach out and grab Vincent Price’s head. But as movies became bigger business, and movies had to be released on hundreds or thousands of screens at once, this kind of process became impossible. The projector needs a special lens; the screen needs to have silver in it to reflect the light properly. And that’s not equipment the Loews-Pepsico Whereverville 32 is gonna spring for. So instead they started having the crappy red and blue type of 3-D like they use for 3-D TV shows or like they used for Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. (more…)
When critics talk about drawing a line… what are they talking about?
In 1974, Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales described The Texas Chain Saw Massacre as “the latest discouraging entry in a horror movie subgenre that might be called gorenography–films that strive not so much to shock or frighten as merely to sicken.” He wrote that “The Exorcist brought the cheap shocks to the mass movie market” and described a “post ‘Exorcist‘ era” where horror movies have “no characters of any depth to identify with or cheer on as the monster approaches; there is little if any cleverly contrived suspense; and the film quickly becomes not a who-dun-it but a who-gets-it-next.”
Thirty-three years later, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is still one of the best horror movies ever made. It was even selected for preservation in the Library of Congress. And The Exorcist’s reputation isn’t too shabby either. Yet somehow the sky has not fallen. Civilization continues unabated. The innocence of children and puppies remains intact. Horror movies still frighten as well as sicken and have characters to cheer on as they face cleverly contrived suspense, like Sally in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. In short, Tom Shales didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, and he was wrong.
But those who do not learn the history of Tom Shales are doomed to repeat it. His blunder doesn’t stop today’s critics, talk-backers and morality experts from knowing for sure that these movies have finally after all these years gone too far. For real this time, no, seriously guys. And it all comes down to a line. A line that should not be crossed. Roger Ebert, usually a smart guy about horror, said of Wolf Creek “There is a line, and this movie crosses it. I don’t know where the line is, but it’s way north of Wolf Creek.” Box office predictor/movie columnist Dave Poland wrote in his review of the bootleg Hostel Part II work print that he watched part of in his hotel room that “There must be a line in this world and Hostel II crosses it at the more basic level of humanity.” (more…)
I am here today to review a book. That’s right motherfuckers, I know how to read. The book in question is Action Speaks Louder: Violence, Spectacle, and the American Action Movie (revised & expanded edition) by Eric Lichtenfeld. Our young friend Quint kindly suggested me to review the book and I was happy to check it out.
If you’re like me you’ve never heard of Lichtenfeld before, but you’ve enjoyed some of his work on special features for DVDs such as DIE HARD, PREDATOR, SPEED, and DIE HARD. Turns out he also has a really cool (but not updated enough) action movie blog called Reaction Shot http://reactionshot.blogspot.com/ . And not too long ago on slate.com he declared “Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherfucker” the greatest one-liner in movie history http://slate.com/id/2168927/ . So we share some interests.
I’ve read a few scholarly studies of horror movies, but I’ve never seen one on action. I know there are some action-centered review books, but as far as I can tell the serious-analytical-study-of-the-action-genre book is fairly new territory. In fact, if you type “action movie” into the amazon search engine, this book is the first one to come up. Go down the list and you won’t find another one that fits the bill until #46, Action and Adventure Cinema.
You’re especially gonna have a hard time finding an intelligent study of the genre from the perspective of a fan. Alot of people don’t take it as seriously as we do, they think it’s just supposed to be some dumb fun and they believe in that bullshit about “check your brain at the door.” And the people who don’t believe in that might be the ones that only want to study action movies to complain about their violence or their gender roles or racial stereotypes. Lichtenfeld doesn’t ignore those things, he touches on them, but he states in the introduction that he’s deliberately not focusing on them because those are the aspects of the genre that have been covered already. Instead he gives us an analytical view of the evolving themes and styles of action movies over the years. (more…)
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