Last week as you know I presented to you the first annual Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards. I really wanted to make a real event of this, to bring more attention to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club. so I had that cokehead Walter Leno whip up a press release about it, real professional and all. I sent it out to a couple people, one of them being the ain’t it cool news since they had been Positive enough to print my Curtis Mayfield piece the week before.

Well to my surprise this Father Geek charcater must respect my work, either that or he’s making fun of me because he posted the press release as is. (Well, at the end he Wrote “catch you later” which neither me or walter actually Wrote, that was pure fabrication.)

Now I think some of you motherfuckers might be kind of concerned about ol’ Vern. Here he is on a popular mainstream type sight, he’s got some pretty boy cokehead Writing everything for him all slicklike. That motherfucker has SOLD THE FUCK OUT!

So for you worrying motherfuckers, I have a little story. Most of you have probaly heard by now I was in prison for a while up until last August, well that is where this tale takes place. You see, in the joint we had special entertainment evenings about every month or so. What they do is they hire some poor sap standup comedian to perform for a “captive audience” if you know what I mean. (Meaning we were in prison.)

I don’t know where they get these guys. I don’t even have a clue what kind of scene or school of comedy they might come out of, or if they are good or bad. for all I know these guys could have been the next Richard Pryor but the thing is, you can’t hear hardly a word they say! The moment they step out on the stage and start crackin wise, the audience eats them alive. FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER I’M GONNA STICK IT SO FAR UP YOUR CORNHOLE etc. etc. (more…)

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Well looks like we all survived the Y2k which is good news in my opinion. Sorry about putting up the wrong column last week I hope it didn’t put anybody in a panic. But I guess if you were hiding down in a bunker and the only sight you went to for information was mine, then thanks a lot I preciate the support. If not then fuck off, I guess.

Well my new year’s resolution as far as I’m concerned is to try to get more established as an online film Writer. And in order to do that I realized I had to work my fucking ass off, starting this last week. And hell man I don’t know if you noticed but I did 1) this column 2) a whole hell of a lot of reviews and 3) a whole god damned awards show. I mean shit man you motherfuckers should be THANKING me for all this. In my opinion. And there is more to come.

So after doing those three things I think it’s high time to stretch my legs a little bit and get away from the topic of Cinema. I have a review of a new movie Magnolia coming up but I figured this is a column, sometimes I should keep the movie reviews in the movie review section, why don’t I use the column to just set my spirit free, look for a muse and just go fucking buck wild. I mean just use the column to do something a lot more personal, something about my past or my Journey or what is going on in my heart and soul, spirituality, etc. Or in this case Write about gossip.

As you know I hate the fucking gossip and this is no exception. No doubt you have read many articles about how the record label owner and rapper Sean Puff Daddy Combs and his girlfriend actress Jennifer Lopez were arrested after a shooting at a night club. This incident would be a humorous anecdote in the police blotter if it was anybody else, but these two are a celebrity couple so it’s getting more ink than a hijacking. (When will these terrorists realize you need a hot ass girlfriend if your really gonna get your message across.) (more…)

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My friends, if you are reading this then chances are motherfuckers have erupted into chaos. The y2k millennium bug has stripped the world of much of its established technologies. The days look like night cause of the smoke in the air, the sound of sirens is familiar and the streets are filled with broken glass and the trampled skeletons of the weak. There most likely is no trustworthy money system due to the loss of bank records and computer databeses. The stores have been looted to the bone leaving only a matter of time before most of our resources are used up.

Your life may be in danger while you read this because you are among the elite, the computeratti. Either that or you have backstabbed others to get where you are. You probaly had to lie, steal, fight, maybe even kill for the electric power, computer system and phone lines that you are using to access this web sight. And I wanna tell ya bud I really preciate the support.

If today is Tuesday January 11 2000 or later and this is the most recent column posted, then I have missed the deadline for VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS #15, my second column of the new Millennium 2000. To be frankly honest bud that means ol’ Vern has probaly gone out in a blaze of glory, I’m thinking maybe in a terrorist bombing, apocolypse type situation or battle with oppressive police forces. I guess I could have got run over, heart attack, shot or starved to death but I just hope its something good whatever it is. At the very least I got my computer ripped off or been taken prisoner by marauders.

I don’t want to tell you what you already know man but if you ask me getting used to this new post-millennial type world is going to be a real bitch in my opinion. Although I lived a very humble lifestyle for many years due to situations out of my control involving imprisonment, i have grown accustomed to the Technologies of man in the past months and the new inconveniences will be a great burden both as a human being, as an artist and as a Writer. (more…)

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Well hell man I’m glad I ain’t too superspicious a motherfucker, ’cause here it is column number 13 right at the end of the millennium. Not too pretty on the timing there.

Yeah that’s right I said it. I know it’s not politically correct to call the 2 triple 0 the millennium, but that’s just the way I was raised bud. As for all you smart ass mathematician motherfuckers, don’t get your calculators in a bunch. Let me explain something to you bud. This is the space age year of 2000! Things are changing fast, we’re talking the god damn jetsons. I mean was it a dream or did i drive past albertsons the other day and they changed the name to albertsons.com?

Now listen here jack, are you telling me your gonna always think of 2000 as part of the 20th century? Part of the ’90s? That 6:00 pm is part of 5 o’clock? That it turns to monday at 12:01 instead of midnight? Fuck no, you’d never say something that stupid unless you got something to prove. And personally I ain’t got NOTHING to prove.

For those of you who don’t know I spent some time in the correctional system, and this reminds me of a fella I knew back in those days, a very talented pimp by the name of Icy Mike. Well icy mike and I talked about a lot of topics, and I’m not lying when I tell you this pretty motherfucker swore up and down that when you say “the muppets”, he doesn’t think of Fozzy, Kermit, Miss Piggy and other characters specific to the Muppet show. Instead, he thinks of all puppet and animatronic characters of Jim Henson from dark crystal to big bird to the otter band tv special.

Yeah right mike, i respect you and all and you definitely have one of the better stables on the west coast but quite simply this is bullshit. You say the muppets, your talking gonzo, miss piggy, fozzy, MAYBE beaker. But not bert and ernie or cookie monster or ESPECIALLY this elmo and you fucking know it. that may be the technically correct dictionary definition or whatever but its not the common usage, nor the best one for that matter. And I think even icy would agree with me on 2000 = millennium. So zip it, jack. (more…)

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Well hell man here it is my tenth column that’s a pretty fucking big deal in my opinion. I think it would be unfair to just review a movie for the tenth column. Also no major movies were released this week and to be frankly honest I don’t want to see the Schwarzenegger after all. I read that he has a shootout with catholic priests and that’s pretty fucking funny but otherwise it just looks like its yet another copy of the whole ghostbusters tongue in cheek horror thing.

You see I happen to like humor as well as jokes, when it is good. One of my buds Jeff McCloud Writes to me just about every week and this week to be honest he Wrote that I didn’t understand comedy. Well I am here to prove that is not the case.

As I told Jeff, maybe Jay Leno, Bob Hope, all these guys, to be frankly honest it’s true I DON’T understand what’s supposed to be so funny about these motherfuckers. I mean yeah I understand clinton got a blow job, white guys don’t know how to dance etc. but I think for me comedy is a dude that tells a good funny story. That dude is of course Mr. Richard Pryor.

I wrote about Richard last week and I also mentioned he was going to be on a tv show “Norm.” Well I watched it and in my opinion it was not richard’s best work although better than Toy Story part 1. Richard was in the opening scene playing a dude in a wheelchair. Now what he does is he has a couple lines and then he jumps on norm’s back.

Now I did not know this but it turns out Richard is in a wheelchair in real life. I don’t know if this is related to his freebasing accident or not however that wasn’t really him jumping on Norm’s back. And in my opinion, you don’t get richard fucking pryor to appear on your tv show and then have a stunt double for half his scene. So that is why i think this show should be cancelled. (more…)

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