For completists only: I saw SAW IV. Instead of reading that crap I recommend you watch Dolph Lundgren’s awesome new COMMAND PERFORMANCE teaser at Dolph Ultimate. Not only does the movie promise the type of absurd high concept I like, this teaser reminds me of the glory days of standalone teasers like LEATHERFACE or T2. And I’m sure I’ve seen a bullet flying toward the camera with flames behind it before – maybe it’s the opening credits of RICOCHET? I’m not sure.

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Doing some DTV sequel catch-up I watched WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END. Also I forgot to link to it but a week ago or so I did THE SCORPION KING 2 THE RISE OF A WARRIOR which is the prequel to the prequel to the sequel to THE MUMMY.

And by the way, speaking of movies featuring Everett, Washington’s own fighting champ Randy Couture, I cannot emphasize enough that you should see REDBELT, which came out on DVD this week. That’s the David Mamet code of honor movie starring Chewetel Ejiofor as a Jiu-Jitsu instructor. Definitely one of the year’s best movies. Read my original review if you’re not convinced yet.

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Well damn, here I was excited to be finishing my reviews of the DIRTY HARRY series as promised, but I end up posting my DEAD POOL review on the day a real celebrity dies. Sorry about that. I’m gonna miss Bernie Mac, that dude was funny.

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If you’re not that into Batman but you enjoy Anthony Edwards and/or Lance Henriksen, here is a review of their 1992 buddy cop movie DELTA HEAT.

P.S. I already saw the Batman movie again, I believe that makes me a nerd. Earlier in the week I saw the Indiana Jones again and I must admit that I still loved it. I guess I’m out of touch with today’s tastes. But if you really want to go through with this pretending you like THE MUMMY 3 better thing more power to you.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Vern in association with Geocities is proud to present the internet’s one millionth rave review of THE DARK KNIGHT. When I wrote it a bunch of balloons fell out of the ceiling and I won a set of Batman stationary. And in other highly anticipated sequel news I have a review of THE ART OF WAR II: BETRAYAL starring Wesley Snipes.

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On Michael Jackson’s classic album Off the Wall there’s this song called “I Can’t Help It.” It was written by Stevie Wonder, and when I first found that out it made so much sense. I could almost imagine the demo Stevie must’ve recorded to show Michael how to sing it. Well, Friday night I saw Stevie’s show out on the Indian reservation, and I’ll be damned, he played that song! I couldn’t believe it. He laughed and said, “Expect the unexpected.”

Well today I’m still shitfaced on life so expect the unexpected – after 2 weeks of inactivity here’s an avalanche of reviews.

By request: the topnotch robot cartoon: WALL-E

By years worth of requests: KISS KISS BANG BANG

Just because it’s amazing: UNFORGIVEN

And after you either read or refuse to read those ones I really suggest taking some time to watch the entries for the Seagalogy Youtube contest. I gathered together the winners and some of my other favorites on Ain’t It Cool last week, and there are other good ones on Youtube that I was forced to leave out because there were just too many. I gotta say I was incredibly impressed by all the creativity and effort people put into it. I wasn’t sure anybody would even enter, but I got all kinds of great ones. One guy spent the whole month doing animation, another guy broke his hand on the steering wheel while driving a monster truck over a pickup (no joke). When I heard that I think it was my proudest moment since getting 5 stars in Smooth Magazine.

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You know what, it’s no HULK, but I’d say THE INCREDIBLE HULK probaly is worth writing home about.

Dear Mother and Father,

This season has been a struggle and has dealt us many blows. In May my two youngest succumbed to the scarlet fever. But the Lord heard our prayers. Some of the neighbor boys helped out and most of our crops were salvaged. Also I thought THE INCREDIBLE HULK was pretty good. Not great, but worth watching anyway. Hope to see you at the reunion.

Sincerely, Vern.

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Guess what motherfuckers, today I’m a published author. If you missed my super rare self-published version of SEAGALOGY now you can finally stop regretting it and go pick up a copy of the Titan Books edition from your local independent bookseller, your monolithic chain store, maybe even your library if you’re poor.

In other words, my book “drops” today. I always wanted to say I had something about to “drop.” Also I got a really nice review over on Chud that validates all the work I put into it, makes me think most of what I was trying to accomplish with it might be successful. Y’all gonna make a motherfucker cry like at the end of BABE when he says “That’ll do pig.”

I’m very proud of this book, it is my masterwork so far, I hope it is the “Straight Outta Compton” of film criticism. And it’s gonna be a while before I figure out what exactly the “The Chronic” of film criticism is. So I may be promoting this thing a little more but I will try to stay conscious of the fact that some of you guys have got to be sick of hearing about god damn Seagal.

So to thank you for your patience here is a little review of DIRTY HARRY.

And if anybody reads the book please let me know what you think, outlawvern-at-hotmail-dot-com. Also tell your friends. Father’s Day is coming up. Not too early to stock up for Christmas either. You know how you always intend to start early, but then Thanksgiving comes and you forgot. That is why you should order 500 copies from Amazon right now. I’m trying to knock THE ART OF KUNG FU PANDA off the top movies/entertainment/genres sellers.

anyway thanks everybody

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I got the new Dirty Harry box set that came out yesterday. It’s got all 5 movies with new transfers, commentaries and featurettes. It comes with a bunch of goofy shit like a miniature replica of Harry’s wallet with badge and ID (in case you know a guy who looks exactly like Clint Eastwood but at 3/4 scale). Also you can buy the movies separately if you’re not a completist.

Anyway, I realized that somehow I’ve never reviewed the Dirty Harry movies! Not even the first one. So I’ll be going through the series but before I start I knew I had to finish some unfinished business. I had been sitting on my DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH review because I wanted to pair it with an Elm Street 5 review, but I still haven’t watched that one. But at least I’m completing the DEATH WISH series for you here, that’s more important.

In other news, Impact Action Movie Magazine gave my book 10 out of 10 and said it is “quite possibly the best book on film I have ever read.” Take that, other film books!

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I can’t imagine a more relevant way to celebrate Memorial Day weekend than to review two movies where Dolph Lundgren battles Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. Can you? If not please enjoy my doubleheader of SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO and BRIDGE OF DRAGONS.

Also, I am not one to follow celebrity gossip, but the best thing I’ve read lately is Slate’s coverage of the R. Kelly trial. The story is fuckin nuts and the guy writing it is really funny. The whole thing is fascinating but I especially like in day 2 the part where the defense lawyer questions a witness about the movie LITTLE MAN by “the Waymons Brothers.”

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