Archive for the ‘Martial Arts’ Category

Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

I’m very confused by this movie. I thought it was directed by Umberto Lenzi (CANNIBAL FEROX), but IMDB says some guy named Doo-yong Lee. I don’t know what the deal with that is, and the movie itself is even more confusing.

I gotta admit though it was worth it for the opening 15-20 seconds. The picture starts out one day at the grave of Bruce Lee. (Actually it is clearly not the real grave of Bruce Lee here in Seattle, but hey man, movie magic.) Anyway all the sudden there is stock footage of lightning in the night sky. Then some guy who you gotta assume is Bruce Lee hops out of the dirt, and the title goes on the screen and the badass ’70s music starts playing. Then they even show the ridiculous painted cover to the video, which shows Bruce Lee coming out of his grave and a weird demon flying above him.

Next we see our man, who only looks slightly more like Bruce Lee than Jason Scott Lee did, on a plane. It freezes on him taking off his sunglasses as it says BRUCE K.L. LEA on the screen.

At this point I was ready to love this movie. I figured Bruce came out of his grave in Seattle, now he’s flying to LA or Hong Kong or somewhere and we’re gonna find out that some foolish motherfucker was responsible for Bruce’s death by misadventure and that motherfucker is gonna get entered by the dragon. Or whatever.

But no. Not this movie. Instead, the guy goes to a combination of LA and Hong Kong which is LA but inhabited by Asians. There he looks up an old friend that he trained with. Then he finds out some guy died and he tries to get to the bottom of it. And he meets a gal. And there are a couple fights. (more…)

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Hero

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

HERO is no surprise. I knew I was gonna like this movie. I heard enough to know this was gonna be a good one. I mean it’s got that acclaimed director who did all those movies I haven’t seen like THE ROAD HOME. But then instead of doing another movie like that, what he does, he gets Jet Li and Maggie Cheung and Donnie Yen and Zhang Yiyi and he says, let’s do an awesome fucking epic with kung fu and swords and about ten million arrows.

This movie has been making the rounds for years. It got nominated for the foreign film oscar, and it played the seattle international film festival, and it’s been on DVD in Asia forever which is no problem for a worldly dude like me, I’ve been free of the region code shackles for years. Region 2, region 3, bring it on motherfuckers, I go all the way up to region 4, region 5 on a good day. I could do region 10 if they threw it at me, region 11, I don’t give a fuck. Anything. But here in region 1 Miramax was supposed to release HERO in theaters. What they wanted to do was leave it on the shelf for years and finally put it out when there’s less interest. That worked so well with SHAOLIN SOCCER. Unfortunately HERO was sitting on the shelf but then it fell off the shelf and got stuck behind the desk and nobody knew it was there. Then I think Tarantino dropped a pencil back there or something, so he reached back there and he felt HERO. So he pulled it out and dusted it off and he was like, “You guys still have this? You should, like, release it in theaters, where people go to watch movies projected on a screen.”

That was a few weeks ago and it turned out Tarantino was right, people wanted to see this movie and it’s been doing very well. No thanks to me. I kept not seeing it and not seeing it.

In a way it kind of shows how cool I am, here is this great movie that everybody loves and I’m like, yeah, I know, masterpiece. I’ll see it later. I gotta watch FRANKENFISH. I knew it was there but I left it unseen, I wanted to save it for later. Who knows when you’re gonna need to see HERO for the first time. Well yesterday I finally figured the time was right, we had come to the point in our relationship where we should take it to that next level, sit down together in a theater and make visual contact. (more…)

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Shaolin Soccer

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Well I’m way behind on this one. The nerds of the internet have been talking about this one forever, more evidence of a vibrant nerd culture thriving out there somewhere. Like the aztecs and mayans with their fancy calendars, the nerds were ahead of ol’ Vern on discovering SHAOLIN SOCCER. But then, I work on my own schedule.

Soon all americans will know about the power of SHAOLIN SOCCER, because Miramax is doing one of their trademark trim jobs on it and releasing it here. But if you haven’t heard of it yet this is what it is. Shaolin kung fu + soccer = this movie. Duh.

The director, Stephen Chow, plays a penniless shaolin master known for his “Steel Leg”, who believes in applying shaolin principles to all aspects of life, from parking to hedge clipping. He’s always trying to come up with ways to promote the shaolin techniques to the general public, like combining them with music and dancing. But these type of ideas don’t go over very well, everybody wants to beat his ass after he demonstrates them and he doesn’t believe in hitting back.

Then he meets a crippled soccer coach. This dude was the best player in the game until an ugly incident where he missed a penalty kick and the fans jumped him and snapped his leg. Now he’s pathetic, mistreated by the corrupt rival who set him up for his “accident”, who runs a soccer tournament where the winner gets a million dollars.

But when he meets ol’ Steel Leg they decide to round up the young man’s washed up shaolin partners (all of them working shitty jobs and not putting their kung fu to use) and turn them into a soccer team. Each of them will use their different kung fu specialties to kick the ball around and what not. (more…)

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Shaolin Dolemite

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Every so often a picture comes along that is so good as a concept, who the fuck cares if it works as a picture. This is a type of picture that may not be that great to watch, or may even get boring as hell by the end, but you are so happy it exists that you want to own it, memorize it, hang it up on your wall, make it into a t-shirt. You want to tell everybody it’s your favorite movie even though you’d be lying your ass off, because you fell asleep at the end and didn’t even feel compelled to rewind and see what you missed. But still, you loved it.

That picture is, of course, Shaolin Dolemite.

This piece is from 1999 but yes it’s the same Dolemite from the ’70s, Rudy Ray Moore the famous toast artist and standup comedian who created the classic films Dolemite and The Human Tornado as well as Petey Wheatstraw the Devil’s Son in Law and Avenging Disco Godfather. If you’re not familiar with Dolemite this is one of the icons of the blaxploitation era. He is more underground than Shaft and Superfly because his pictures were lower budget and sloppier and he directed some of them himself. But he had a strong type of appeal because he drove around in limos with a gang of beautiful women on each arm, but he was kind of this little chubby guy. He would kick everybody’s ass using this real slow, awkward fat guy karate. I mean worse than Steven Seagal.

What Dolemite had going for him was the same thing that the better rapping artists have today, which is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. If you can do a good job of SAYING that you’re cool, then that means you ARE cool. And Dolemite was cool. He could rhyme up a storm about funny stories or how he’s gonna kick your ass and that was what made him a badass, the verbal techniques as opposed to any traditional badass qualities such as asskicking, etc. Because when he did kick somebody’s ass it looked so funny it would have been (more) laughable if the guy couldn’t rhyme so good. (more…)

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Circle of Iron

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

What if I were to tell you that there was a movie based on a story by Bruce Lee (sort of based on his zen philosophy), starring David Carradine (in multiple roles) but also featuring Christopher Lee, Roddy McDowall and Eli Wallach? And maybe I would also say it takes place in a fantasy world and Carradine plays a flute that he also uses for a weapon, and let’s say that my man James Coburn – well, he’s not in it as an actor, but being a student of Bruce Lee maybe he helped write the story. And then the screenplay was written by Sterling Silophant who wrote THE TOWERING INFERNO and crap like that. But then the director was some guy named Richard Moore who only directed that one movie. But he was cinematographer for THE STONE KILLER with Charles Bronson. But also ANNIE.

Well let’s take the gloves off, you can forget about “what if” and come down to the world of reality because I’m about to tell you that I just saw EXACTLY THAT movie described above. (see above.) CIRCLE OF IRON starts out with a corny statement about Bruce Lee before going into a MORTAL KOMBAT type competition where half naked white dudes with mustaches do karate against each other as some type of a test. See, they are fighting for the right to go on a quest to kill some dude named Zetan and steal his book. (I know that sounds like a waste of time, but it’s a pretty rare book though, one of those magic books that tells you all the secrets.) We figure out quickly that our guy is the shirtless guy, Cord the seeker. This is the first sign of trouble when you realize the main character is just some long haired soap opera dude with no presence or charisma of any kind. And not necessarily the greatest martial artist you ever seen, either. He’s interchangeable with any of those long haired white dude types from the ’70s and ’80s. He could be the dude from BEASTMASTER or ALIEN NATION tv series or anything, but it turns out he’s from DALLAS and YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS. (more…)

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Ong-Bak

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

(aka MUAY THAI WARRIOR)

You see, there’s this small town in Thailand somewhere (possibly called Ong-Bak, unless that is only the name of the buddha statue there, but the subtitles led me to believe it was the name of both). Anyway, there’s a young man there named Ting (played by Tony Jaa) who is working hard to prove himself as a master of Muay Thai Kickboxing, or Thai Fist. That’s quite enough bullshit for a young man to have on his mind but then some other asshole has to sneak in and cut off the head of their buddha statue so he can sell it. All the old ladies start crying that the town is not protected anymore so before you know it this little old country boy is headed for big bad Bangkok to get the shit back.

He teams up with Dirty Balls, a smalltime fuckup he thinks he knows from back in the day. This guy is a likable doofus who looks a little too old to be wearing hoop earrings and camoflauge pants, but what can you do. Also some teenage girl who rides motorcycles and cheats at cards, has a junkie sister, etc. I’m not sure what she contributes to the team other than scenes where people die, she cries and screams out how upset she is. Anyway they track the asshole with the head, get in some fights and chases and all that kind of business. There is this club that is kind of like a cross between Coyote Ugly and Fight Club. The sexy bartenders are all dancing and smiling and everybody’s enjoying themselves, but right in the middle of the floor there are brutal kickboxing matches going on and everybody’s betting on it. Of course, Ting accidentally gets involved and knocks out the champion with a single blow. (Bitch.)

I don’t want to say more because I don’t want to give away the story. It would be a shame not to be able to go into this thing fresh, because the real delight is in all the sly narrative twists and turns and– No, I’m just jerkin your chain. There’s nothing to give away. The story is just an excuse to string together a series of badass fight scenes and stunt sequences. And that’s a good thing. (more…)

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The Next Karate Kid

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Two time Oscar winner Hilary Swank, hailing from Bellingham, Washington, stars in the explosive finale to the Karate Kid quadilogy. This one was Swank’s first starring role and came out in 1994, when movies were just as crappy but not quite as funny as their ’80s counterparts. The director is Christopher Cain, father of Dean Cain and director of The Amazing Panda Adventure.

Swank plays Julie, a pouty, sullen teenage girl who lives unhappily with her grandma after the death of her parents. Anything anybody says to Julie, she takes offense and throws a hissy fit. You know how old people are, they try to be nice but they don’t really understand where your teenage mind is coming from, so they offer you some lemon bars or something and you’re like “GOD DAMN IT WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!” and run out of the room crying. So then Julie goes in and stabs grandma to death in her sleep, while jerkin off. Or was that a different movie? I can’t remember.

No, that’s right, I was thinking of Ken Park there. The grandma doesn’t get stabbed to death in this one (spoiler). This grandma wants to straighten Julie out, but she’s too smart to send her off to one of those teenage deprogramming ranches that Montel Williams would’ve suggested. Instead she accepts an offer from her old friend Mr. Miyagi to go stay at his garden while he looks after the teen.

You remember Mr. Miyagi, played by Pat Morita. He was nominated for best supporting actor for the original Karate Kid, but unlike his pupil, he went home in shame. If you are too young to know of the Karate Kid, I gotta explain that Mr. Miyagi was once a beloved character in American culture. He’s a short old guy who speaks in broken English and purposely annoys young people by getting them to wash his cars and crap like that. But they will soon see the wisdom behind his foolish appearance and how he is actually training them to be great fighters. And when shit goes down, like some bullies pick on him at the gas station, he will use his very slow and stiff Dolemite-like karate master skills to somehow whoop their ass. (more…)

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Belly of the Beast

Friday, November 14th, 2003

Boys -

I know you are fans of the hong kong cinema, martial arts, karate, and etc. So I bet you probaly know who Ching Siu-Tung is. Or maybe you know him as Siu-Tung Ching, or Siu-tung Chin, or Tony Tung Yee Ching, or Xiaodong Cheng, or Tony Ching Siu Tung, or just plain Tony Ching. I don’t know, the dude has lots of names. But the point is not what the dude’s name or names is, the point is what the dude does. He may not be as well known in the united states of america as your John Woos or your Yuen Woo Pings or your Tsui Harks. But I bet you’ve seen some of his works before.

This is the man who directed A CHINESE GHOST STORY 1, 2 and 3. This is also the man who directed the SWORDSMAN 1, 2 and 3. And ROYAL TRAMP 1 and 2. He choreographed the fights for Johnny To’s fucked up super hero movie HEROIC TRIO and then went on to direct its sequel, a dark little postapocalyptic fucker we call EXECUTIONERS. He also directed NAKED WEAPON, NEW DRAGON INN, THE DUEL, MAD MONK and DR. WAI AND THE SCRIPTURE WITHOUT WORDS.

Not that I’ve seen most of those movies but I bet you have. Good shit, right?

Well now Mr. Ching, or Xiaodong as some call him, or Siu-Tung, but he lets me call him Tony– well Tony has directed BELLY OF THE BEAST, a Canadian/UK/Hong Kong co-production in the language of English. It will be released here on the DVD type format on December 30th, the eve of the futuristic year 2004. Although it is in a bit more of an americanized style, Tony was able to do the kung fu choreography and include many of his usual motifs and themes: magic and mysticism, stylized martial arts with wirework, swordplay and even androgyny/gender confusion (the main theme of the SWORDSMAN trilogy). (more…)

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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Thursday, December 21st, 2000

My friends, you may think I have been neglecting you. In the past month or two I have abandoned all my discipline and stopped doing the column weekly. I haven’t been reviewing all that many movies. I’ve been staying pretty much away from the computers of the internet except for Writing the occasional Ain’t It Cool News joke talk back message under the name “Darth Superman.”

The truth is I’m doing you a big fucking favor. I’m cutting down on my Writing. Focussing it. Putting my emphasis on what matters to me most, like honor, respect, and breaking a motherfuckers legs. I’m hoping less Writing = less crap, and therefore, better Writing. So you get to waste less time reading it, plus it’ll be better. That’s the theory, anyway.

But my friends this week I come to you with news on a great movie which happens to not be a Badass movie in my opinion. I know some of my colleagues in Badass Studies will disagree since this is a movie made up of many excellent fighting scenes and since one of the stars happens to be Mr. Chow Yun Fat star of the best action movie of the ’90s. But to me the highly acclaimed picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is not so much about fighting as it is about love and woman empowerment and graceful movement. It’s more like a musical or one a them tapdancing movies they made back then with all the singing and umbrellas and what not. And I ain’t making excuses like the other critics, because I’d RATHER say it was a kung fu movie, and I loved it. But facts are facts, and this is a tap dancing movie. I ain’t complainin though cause it’s the best tap dancing movie I seen in years.

My man Fat gets to perform stunts like I never seen him before, because he’s doing all kinds of kung fu and great swordsmanshipping. In case you don’t know not all chinese dudes know kung fu, and I never seen Fat do it before. Always using guns. Maybe a punch now and then but very rarely kicking. Here he’s flyin around like a god damn superman, flippin the swords around like WHISH WHISH WHISH and who the fuck even KNOWS what some a those weapons are called that he’s using. These guys know how to USE the things, we americans can’t even NAME them. That’s how far ahead of us Fat is. (more…)

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Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai

Monday, April 3rd, 2000

First off folks I would like to apologize from the deepest recesses of my big ol’ outlaw heart for getting this column in late. I know some of you really count on the punctuality of this particular column Vern Tell’s It Like It Is and if it is not ready for you on monday morning it throws off your whole damn week. Without my artistical Cinematic musings, my down to earth stories and advice, you are not ready to begin your week.

Oh who the fuck am I fooling, nobody knows this but this column usually goes up early Monday morning, but this time it was late. If anyone noticed then sorry bud. Remember it comes out on monday gang please read it regularly. jesus.

Anyway, the reason why I was late can be blamed on one individual named Ghost Dog and his picture Way of the Samurai. You see ever since seeing this picture I have been trying to be more open to the different ways of the individuals in different parts of the world, cultures, etc. I think Ghost Dog has a very good point that it is time people started learning from people who are different from them, from the chinese circus acrobats who swing from their hair to the dude in El Topo who has no legs who is strapped to the back of the dude with no arms.

We as americans must stop taking everything so literally man. Just cause a guy is a shaolin monk or a guy with blue hair does not mean you can’t exchange tips on how to live life. I think a cowboy or an astronaut could go out for a drink with say a ninja or a ballerina, and could learn from their ways. This does not mean the astronaut starts wearing a tutu underneath the astro-suit, or even that he does ballet moves while floating through outer space. What I’m talking about is they can get to the core of the thing, the understanding. They can learn from the philosophy or the attitude and figure out how to apply it to their own life. I mean imagine if Clint Eastwood in the westerns had learned how to look at life the same was as a ninja. I mean jesus he would be unstoppable, that motherfucker. I almost don’t even wanna think about it. (more…)

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