Archive for the ‘Horror’ Category

Chaos

Sunday, August 27th, 2006

Well boys, there’s this horror movie called CHAOS that comes out on DVD at the end of September. I thought it would be good to review it now so that you will have forgotten about it by then. I wouldn’t recommend watching the movie – in fact, if possible, I recommend not ever hearing of it. Just stop reading now, unread the first part of this paragraph, and don’t think about it again. We’re only encouraging them. By reviewing this movie I’m just giving the dipshits who made it the attention they’re waving their dicks around begging for, but I want to review it for two reasons:

  1. I’m always up for another round of that stupid “torture porn” debate
  2. For masochistic horror fans I might recommend borrowing or stealing (but not buying) the DVD just because the extras are so hilariously insane and retarded

CHAOS is a low budget, no imagination, blatant ripoff of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT directed by a former pro-wrestler named David “The Demon” DeFalco. Its one and only claim to fame is that they managed to get a no-star review from Roger Ebert and then they wrote him a letter that lured him into an ongoing debate about violence in movies, as if their movie deserved to be a part of that discussion.

During the opening scene I actually thought I might like the movie. A Honeybunny-from-Pulp-Fiction type is hitchhiking when some rednecks pull over and imply that they will give her a ride in exchange for sexual favors. She refuses their offer, they grab her like they’re gonna rape her. But these rednecks aren’t the ones you gotta worry about. The girl’s friends, one of them a big, bald Stone Cold Steve Austin type, come out of the trees, beat the shit out of the guys, and destroy their car with a baseball bat. The way it cuts right in the middle of the car-smashing just tosses you into the movie like a rock through a window. (more…)

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The Descent

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

“From the studio that brought you HOSTEL and SAW…”

(comes a British movie from last year that they bought the rights to.)

Let’s say you’re six ladies (5 British) who go together to explore an uncharted cave somewhere in the Appalachians. And after you crawl through a very narrow tunnel, your entrance caves in and as far as you know there’s no way out, you’re under 2 miles of rock and nobody knows you’re there.

Well, you gals are pretty much fucked. So it’s almost beside the point that after you wander around for a while longer you’re gonna run into some weird underground fuckers (or wufs) who are gonna crawl around squealing like fighting cats and try to eat you.

I’ve been hearing about this movie for a year or more now since it took a while to get from England to our shores, or at least to our theater screens. So there’s alot of hype around it and the advertising is embarrassingly over the top, using a quote where some joker claims it’s “the scariest horror-thriller since ALIEN.” (Ever heard of THE SHINING, dude?) After all that buildup it’s easy to focus on the weaknesses, like there’s a couple too many BOO! moments in the first section, and the part where a girl breaks a monster’s neck is maybe a little too Seagal, and one revelation about the character relationships is arguably unneeded, and some of the action is kind of hard to follow. But you know what, that shit’s insignificant in the face of what a truly grueling experience this movie is. It’s a real journey from beginning to end. It’s nice to see a movie again where when the heroine crawls out of the cave you really feel like she’s been to Hell and back. And she certainly looks like hell. Well, actually she looks more like Carrie. (more…)

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Underworld Evolution

Saturday, July 15th, 2006

This is part 2 of the Underworld saga and unfortunately I’m less sold on this Len Wiseman individual after part 2. I gotta admit, I had hopes for this one. From the trailers it looked more exciting than the first one. I thought maybe after a little practice and with a bigger budget this guy was gonna make a movie that was more fun. Now I’m not gonna say that Len Wiseman has destroyed my faith in the human spirit and man’s knack for overcoming obstacles with innovation and hardwork, but the guy was definitely trying to. We, as a people, can do better than this.

This is one of those rare part 2s where if you haven’t seen the first one, you will have no clue what in fuck’s name is going on. Also, if you have seen the first one, even if you have seen it recently, and if you are me, you also will have no clue what in fuck’s name is going on. The movie starts with a long flashback to 1602 or something, where you find out all this new information about how there were two twin brothers who were the first vampire and first werewolf and the werewolves were attacking villages so the vampires were trying to kill the first werewolf and then they caught him and his brother didn’t want to kill him on account of them being brothers but the vampires were assholes and got mad so they locked the werewolf brother away forever.

Then it goes into a montage of clips from part 1 and Kate Beckinsale’s character Selene has some narration explaining to you everything that happened in that one. At the time, when I watched it, I felt like I understood what happened, but now that I have seen this montage I’m pretty sure I got no clue what this is all about. Something about vampires, werewolves, a guy named Viktor, an ancient war, some fire maybe, possibly magical crystals or dragons, the hybrid species of vampire and werewolf, maybe swords, who knows.

So the movie hasn’t even started, I’m already lost, and then it seems like virtually the entire god damn running time of the movie is devoted to people standing around talking about yet more backstory. They spend so much time talking about the backstory that there’s not much time for actual story. “Ah, you THOUGHT this is what happened hundreds of years ago, but actually THIS is what happened hundreds of years ago. Here is an engraving of it. And wait until you hear about THIS thing that happened which is equally monumental. And THIS!” (more…)

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I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

Saturday, June 24th, 2006

Howdy fellas -

I’ll always know what you did last summer. You wore short sleeves and complained about Star Wars 3 alot. Also, that’s the name of the new DTV sequel to I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. It’s from the director of TROIS 3: THE ESCORT and the writer of OCTOPUS 1&2 and stars a bunch of young TV actors I never heard of.

When last we left our heroes (you know, the kids who ran over a guy and then lied about it), they were in the Bahamas fighting against a vengeful fisherman with a hook. There was no need for a surprise twist of who the killer was, it was still the guy with a hook. I believe Jeffrey Combs was involved, the R&B singer Brandy (who your parents used to listen to) survived due to contract negotiations, and an uncredited Jack Black grunted “it’s all good” as he was gored to death. I’m sure other things happened but that’s what I remember. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt had to leave to prepare for the GARFIELD movies.

That was 8 years ago, so the teens who were mildly entertained by the sequel at that time have blossomed into adulthood. To celebrate this new stage in their lives, Hollywood is giving this audience what they give every generation as it reaches maturity: a replacement group of teenage protagonists. Enjoy.

Obviously, since we’re dealing with an entirely new set of characters, the thing that the person knows about what they did 9 or 10 summers ago is not the same thing. At this point even the fisherman is probaly thinking ah fuck it, it’s time to move on. So we gotta start out with a new dark secret for some kids to bury.

They figured out a way to tie it in to the old series though. The movie opens at a carnival on the 4th of July, where the new group of teens discuss the legend of the fisherman with the hook who kills people on the 4th of July. Then without warning the fisherman appears and runs through the carnival, scaring the shit out of everyone. (more…)

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Underworld

Saturday, June 3rd, 2006

Some of you may be wondering why the Bruce icon would adorn a review for some corny movie about an ancient war between leather clad vampires and werewolves, especially since Bruce does not appear in the film and probaly hasn’t even seen it, unless maybe on a plane. But some of you know what I’m getting at. According to recent reports, Mr. Len Wiseman – whose sole accomplishments in Hollywood so far are directing the two Underworld pictures and marrying Kate Beckinsale – will be directing “Die Hard 4.0.”

Now, I got a history with this movie, sort of. A while back, an Ain’t It Cool talkbacker named IAmLegolas begged me to review Underworld Evolution. I said I couldn’t because I hadn’t seen the first one and considering how boring I’d heard that was it might be more research than I was willing to do. As soon as I read this Die Hard news though I realized that Legolas had been ahead of his time and that the research would have to be done. And he was sure to point this out to me too. Good job YouAreLegolas, hats off to you.

I was already skeptical of this Len Wiseman individual due to a lawsuit that was filed over UNDERWORLD. Some company accused the movie of copying all its ideas from their vampire and werewolf role playing dungeon and dragon playtime games that they have. Now, I’m not gonna be judgmental about copyright infringement, and I’m gonna assume they’re innocent until proven guilty because the case never went to trial and this is America. But buddy, when your ideas can be confused with a fuckin role playing game about werewolves, you got a problem. That is the type of smear on your record that, back when we had accountability in America, would’ve kept you from even saying “John McClane” 5 times into a mirror, let alone directing the new DIE HARD. I hope you know you got a whole fuckin lot to prove to us, Wiseman. Don’t fuckin blow it. (more…)

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See No Evil

Friday, May 19th, 2006

NOTE: This appears on The Ain’t It Cool News, but the formatting is all fucked up there and I liked this one so I am re-posting it here.

Boys–

This is kind of a weird question, but have you ever thought there should be a movie about a big bald retarded muscleman with extreme religious views running around an abandoned hotel banging people against walls and plucking their eyeballs out? If so, today’s your lucky day, and SEE NO EVIL is your movie.

The retarded muscleman is played by Kane, not the rapper Big Daddy Kane but apparently a famous wrestler of some kind, making his acting debut. According to the credits he is playing “Jacob Goodnight,” a name they unfortunately never say in the movie. Like the character, the movie is big, dumb, almost definitely using steroids, and also way more fun than you would think.

SEE NO EVIL is the first film from the prestigious WWE Films. WWE is what we used to call WWF until they got sued by the World Wildlife Foundation. I guess people must’ve been donating money to Hulk Hogan thinking he was gonna use it to save the pandas, but it all went straight into his 24″ pythons. I was hoping the WWE Films logo would be accompanied by rockin guitars and clanging metal hammers, then it would explode and spray sparks and flames everywhere, and maybe some skulls and demonic goatheads. It turns out their film division is a little more high-minded than the wrestling division though, so it’s a simple logo with the sound of an orchestra tuning. I mean I’m talking 100% class. Then the last shot in the movie is a dog peeing into a dead man’s eye socket. By the way this review contains spoilers. (more…)

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Silent Hill

Friday, April 21st, 2006

I’m not gonna lie. If you’re reading this, you probaly shouldn’t see this movie. I’m betting 95% of you who do are gonna hate it. At the screening I saw it at, people were laughing and loudly criticizing (and for some reason one crazy dude was naming the makes and years of the cars parked on the streets). The people I saw it with, who were more polite, said it was a huge pile of shit.

And in some ways they got a point. The dialogue in this movie is terrible. (Apparently that wasn’t Roger Avary’s job on PULP FICTION). It’s best when it’s just about running around facing creepy obstacles. The more it gets into plot and conversations, the more it loses its momentum. It’s pretty muddled and confusing and has an awkward explanatory narration near the end and like most of the movies by this director, the frenchman Christophe Gans, it’s probaly too long. (By the way, I looked it up and Christophe Gans is NOT Chris Gaines, that famous singer who looked exactly like Garth Brooks but with a soul patch. I know, I thought so too but let’s clear up that misconception right here.)

Also there’s a cop lady in here that has a pretty ridiculous movie star look that is not believable as a real cop. I don’t care if this is based on a video game, that was hard to take.

So you will have a point about that stuff but as far as the rest of the movie, you’ll be wrong. You motherfuckers are too literal. This is not a movie for people who think literally.

The movie starts abruptly and weirdly with two parents chasing after their sleepwalking daughter in the middle of the night. She’s mumbling weird shit and has somehow walked to the other side of a cliff with a roaring waterfall. It reminds me of when the kid sleepwalks out onto the freeway in WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE (by Wes Craven) and even if it didn’t, I would assume it’s going to turn out to be a dream. But it doesn’t. And you stay off balance for the whole movie. (more…)

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Abominable

Friday, April 21st, 2006

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet,

The other day Harry recommended this tiny little bigfoot movie called ABOMINABLE, directed by the son of legendary film composer Lalo Schifrin. Alot of people probaly thought Harry was full of shit since they’ve never heard of this movie and it’s not playing anywhere except one screen of one theater in Seattle and, according to legend, at Harry’s house. I mean if such a movie really exists, how the hell has it gone on so long without once being spotted by a credible witness? Why is it always some crazy redhead in a Tigger costume from Texas?

Well I don’t know if this helps, but I saw ABOMINABLE too. I swear it. It was playing in Seattle, not sure if it’s continuing into the next week but it will be playing in L.A. next. I guess we got it here in Seattle because the Pacific Northwest is the natural habitat of the North American sasquatch. If you’ve lived in the Northwest before you know how it is. Everybody knows somebody that that knows somebody that says they knew sasquatch. Everybody says they have some aunt who was in a car pool with him or who remembers a guy in a cast asking for help at Lake Washington or something. Actually come to think of it I might be confusing sasquatch with Ted Bundy. But the point is, we get ABOMINABLE first for some reason.

Of course, the title does bring up an obvious question. Why would you come into Bigfoot Territory to show a movie about an Abominable Snowman? You think we don’t got local pride? And more to the point, is the movie about an abominable snowman or is it about a bigfoot? We are clearly dealing with a brownish woodland creature, like a sasquatch. “The Abominable Snowman” or Yeti is a type of dude, possibly with white fur to camouflage him in the snow, who hangs out in the mountains in Tibet or on the Matterhorn in Disneyland or somewhere. So it seems like a pretty big scientific error on the part of the movie to be calling this guy abominable. But then a bigfoot expert on TV says that “The Flatwoods Monster” could not be a bigfoot because it’s bigger and more vicious, more like a Yeti. And sure enough, when we start to get good looks at the monster’s face later in the movie it clearly has the face of a Yeti. (more…)

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Hollow Man II

Wednesday, April 12th, 2006

Boys–

Like most DTV sequels, the title HOLLOW MAN II immediately brings up a question: who the fuck are they making HOLLOW MAN II for?

Well in this particular case, I am gonna have to step forward. I am the guilty party. They are clearly making this movie for me, and I can prove it.

Exhibit A: I am the only recorded case (Click Here) of a person who enjoyed THE HOLLOW MAN in the first place. The HM2 packaging describes it as a “sequel to the $73 million box office hit,” but let’s be honest here. Buying a ticket does not equal getting your money’s worth. I have never met another person who enjoyed this movie. I stand alone on this one.

Exhibit B: I am also one of the rare individuals who watches DTV sequels. I mean there’s a few of us out there and we’ll pop up in the talkback. But we are a minority in this world. DTV sequels are really designed to sit on the shelves at Blockbuster. They don’t have to ever rent, they just have to be bought by the chain in the first place.

Exhibit C: To sweeten the pie for me, they made this one take place in my home town of Seattle. “Hey Vern, remember that movie that only you liked? Well we made a DIRECT TO VIDEO SEQUEL to it. And it takes place in SEATTLE. There’s a couple shots of the Space Needle and everything. The hero wears a Mariner’s hat in one part.” I would feel guilty if I didn’t watch this movie because they obviously worked hard to please me. (more…)

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Slither

Friday, March 31st, 2006

Boyos–

I guess horror movies are like anything else, they go in cycles. We’ve had this whole drought where it seemed like there was nothing but sissy PG-13 studio horror, and lots of horror fans whining. Now the harsher R-rated horror movies are starting to trickle back in, and a whole other set of people get their chance to whine. (It turns out that our society is just now going down the shitter because there’s a movie where mutant cannibals are mean to a baby. Even though it’s a remake of a 30 year old movie about mutant cannibals being mean to a baby.) Anyway, now with SLITHER we get back another old buddy we haven’t seen in so long we almost forgot about him: the funny horror movie.

Horror and comedy are a tough mix. There are different ways to balance it. I like the serious horror but on those rare occasions when they got the perfect balance, it’s a sight to behold. To me AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON is the top of the line. It’s very funny but the laughs come from serious horror situations. To me it’s more of a horror movie than a comedy. Perfect. Another good one is RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, but I think they tip it too much with all that punk rock shit. “Does this look like a fuckin COSTUME?” Still great, but too goofy to take seriously. But the opening scene, up until the credits, is a perfect balance. I think EVIL DEAD 2 has it just right too, although most people seem to think it’s more comedy and less horror than I think it is.

I guess the most significant recent attempt at comedy and horror is SHAUN OF THE DEAD, but I gotta be honest. This ain’t gonna win me any friends around here, but I don’t think that one counts. Sure it’s funny and worth watching. But even if the zombies look legit, the characters and what they do and say are sitcom through and through. It works as comedy but not as horror. It’s a tribute or a parody but not the real thing. (more…)

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