Archive for the ‘Horror’ Category

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

This is the true story of a series of murders in Texarkana shortly after World War II. So it could also be called THE TOWN THAT COMBINED THE NAMES OF TEXAS AND ARKANSAS INTO ONE NAME AND THAT ALSO DREADED SUNDOWN. That doesn’t have the same rhythm to it though, I think they made the right decision.

This is a weird movie. It starts clunkily with corny narration about “the story you are about to see,” and the narrator pops up throughout the movie as if it’s an educational film. The actors in the small roles are obviously not actors, some of them are terrible. The filmatism is what you would call “crude and workmanlike” or maybe “serviceable” – although of course it’s a faded, full frame out of print VHS so maybe some day if they give it the Blue Underground or Dark Sky treatment it will turn out to be a fuckin masterpiece of photographical genius.

Anyway, I immediately thought of THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (which takes the same narrator, low budget, bad acting approach to a true story about alleged sasquatch sightings) but I didn’t realize until I looked it up afterwards that it’s the same director, Charles B. Pierce. I guess the spooky true story business is a good way to pay the bills.

The reason why the town dreads sundown is some guy they call The Phantom, but he is not Billy Zane wearing a purple suit and riding a horse in the jungle, he’s a dude with a mask exactly like Jason in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (white bag with eyeholes torn in it) who kills kids on lover’s lane, or in one case shows up at somebody’s house and shoots them through the window. He’s a total freak, because the first woman he attacked he bit all over her body. Another girl he killed by blowing her trombone at her. There are many scenes of him breathing heavily so his mask sucks in and out. Who knows what the hell is going on inside there. The guy is a pervert though. This asshole even attacks Mary Ann from GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. What the fuck did Mary Ann ever do to you, you sonofabitch? (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Posted in Crime, Drama, Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »

Shivers

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

I cannot in good conscience recommend SHIVERS to everybody. In fact, I saw it a long time ago and didn’t get into it, but recently I felt like watching the early Cronenbergs again and this time around I enjoyed it. It’s Cronenberg’s first feature film and it is also known as THEY CAME FROM WITHIN, but should be called ZOMBIE PERVERTS or even FUCKED BY ZOMBIES.

Well, they’re not technically zombies. It’s about a sexually transmitted disease. I didn’t do this on purpose, but this is yet another apartment complex based horror. It takes place at this upscale complex called Starliner Estates, which is actually on an island so it’s isolated and has its own medical facilities and armed security. The lead is not your typical horror movie lead. He’s a middle aged doctor, head of the Starliner Medical Department, and he has some of the mannerisms of Gary Shandling. When the movie starts the infection in the apartments has already began: a former teacher of the doctor is attacking a woman in a school girl outfit. And he kills her and burns her with acid. Not cool.

It turns out the killer doctor is being influenced by a weird parasite slug inside him that makes him super horny. Late in the movie an infected character explains the feeling: it makes you see that everything in the world is sexual. “That disease is the love of two alien kinds of creatures for each other. That even dying is an act of eroticism. That talking is sexual. That breathing is sexual. That even to physically exist is sexual.” So you want to stay away from these motherfuckers. If they see you they get a crazed look in their eye and they come after you. And even if you were into them it would be trouble because you would get the disease. (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | No Comments »

30 Days of Night

Friday, October 19th, 2007

You know that part of Alaska you always hear about where the sun stops coming up for a month every year? Well, wouldn’t it suck if a bunch of vampires tried to take advantage of that? That is the question posed by 30 DAYS OF NIGHT. And the answer quickly becomes clear: yes, it would suck if they did that. Fuckin vampires. Basically this is a remake of that Paul Walker movie 8 BELOW except instead of sled dogs stranded in the snow it’s people, and instead of a killer sea lion there’s vampires.

Although this has some of the weaknesses that are common in modern horror, it’s by no means your average horror movie that you would expect to come out these days. The tone is much more serious. The soundtrack is quieter. It is more about atmosphere and dread than they usually bother with anymore.

And it has that great premise. I think this is a good movie, and horror fans should see it. But it’s a little frustrating to me because it has some greatness in it. But only some. Little drips of greatness here and there mixed in with some goodness and some mediocreness, stirred together into a quality swirl.

To me the opening, especially the second scene where they introduce the hero, is the best part of the movie. Josh Hartnett, the sherriff of this small town of Barrow, Alaska (population 152 after people leave for the month of darkness – much less by the end of the movie [SPOILER]) stands on a snowy hill with one of his deputies, staring at a pile of melted cell phones, discussing why somebody would do something like this. Since we in the audience have god like powers and know that this is a vampire movie, we have a good idea of why somebody would do something like this. But these cops don’t, or if they have any sense of it they don’t want to say it out loud. The way Hartnett talks quiet and grimaces and is shot in close-up looks just like another perfect opening to a modern vampire movie, the Michael Parks monologue in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. But instead of leading into a balls out action scene this leads to the two buddies reminiscing as they watch the last sunrise before the 30 days. (more…)

2 people like this post.
Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Horror, Reviews | 1 Comment »

Rest Stop

Sunday, October 14th, 2007

What better location could there possibly be for a horror movie than a rest stop? I mean obviously when people think of scary places for a horror movie they think of old spooky houses, haunted mansions and castles, dark caves and tunnels, cabins in the woods, woods in general, hospitals and asylums, abandoned amusement parks, wax museums, slaughter houses, seemingly normal suburban neighborhoods, backwards rural towns, rusty sheds, dilapidated huts, eerie villages, summer camps, ordinary high schools, old boarding houses and conservatories, orphanages, hotels, churches, curiosity shops, opera houses, abandoned mannequin factories, deserts, Antarctic outposts, laboratories, graveyards, tombs, morgues, farmhouses, mysterious islands, dungeons, torture chambers, basements, carnivals and circuses, movie theaters, libraries, malls, grocery stores, dirty warehouses, last houses on the left, etc. to name a few.

But what is the one thing that most of those places have in common? You are not there right now. So you would have to travel to get there. And with the exception of (arguably) the mysterious island you would most likely have to drive there. And if it was a long way from where you are now you might have to stop and pee at some point before you get there. BAM! That’s where the rest stop comes in. I feel I have just proven that a rest stop is more of a threat to you than a torture chamber. So be careful.

And of course there’s so much to work with for a rest stop horror movie. The free stale Chips Ahoy type cookies, the jugs of McDonalds orange drink, the coffee in styrofoam cups, the drinking fountain. I mean the possibilities are endless. The tagline for REST STOP is “dead ahead,” but it could also be “Get out to stretch… AND DIE!” or “In the dog walking area no one can here you scream.” (more…)

Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »

Eaten Alive

Saturday, October 13th, 2007

2-disc special edition DVD review

NOTE: If there are out-of-place references in this review it’s because I originally submitted it to The Ain’t It Cool News. However, due to its controversial nature (i.e. nobody gives a shit) they didn’t run it so here it is.

This week the 25th anniversary edition of Tobe Hooper’s POLTERGEIST comes out, you may have seen that mentioned once or twice. But this week also marks another important landmark for Tobe Hooper: the two week anniversary of the release of Dark Sky’s EATEN ALIVE (aka DEATH TRAP) special edition.

Okay, yes, this review is two weeks late. I wish I got it up before September 26th, but let’s just say it got delayed. The EATEN ALIVE (aka STARLIGHT SLAUGHTER) DVD itself almost got onto the shelves a year ago just as they discovered new materials in the Disney Vault (or some kind of vault anyway, they didn’t specify if it was the Disney Vault) and decided to start over. At least my delay wasn’t that long. In my opinion this is actually an early review, somehow. So just drop it.

Tobe Hooper is a real mystery to me. He directed pretty much my favorite movie of all time (SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION) but has never reached those heights again. Most people tend to say all his other movies are garbage, and in many cases I have to agree with them. These days he keeps churning them out, but he doesn’t have the opportunities somebody who directed one of the greatest American independent films of all time oughta get. He’s always straight to video or TV. And although I’m starting to enjoy his stuff again (MORTUARY and especially TOOLBOX MURDERS were surprisingly watchable DTV – no, seriously guys) he’s about 93 million miles away from the guy he was when he directed that masterpiece all those years ago. (more…)

Unlike

Tags:
Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews | No Comments »

Someone’s Watching Me!

Friday, October 5th, 2007

John Carpenter is on my list of top directors. HALLOWEEN, THE THING, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THEY LIVE – all by the same guy? Not to mention DARK STAR, ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA… well, you have IMDb. Point is the guy has done a tone of what I consider classics, and most of the rest are real good or at least pretty interesting. I’ll watch any of them. I watched BODY BAGS last year. I watched MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN, and it wasn’t too bad actually. The two MASTERS OF HORROR episodes he did with my internet buds Moriarty and Scott Swan were cool as far as TV goes. Even VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, I was surprised, that was pretty good too. And CHRISTINE. The guy is good.

So a couple weeks ago I realized, shit, I’ve seen all of ‘em except ELVIS: THE MOVIE. I’d been meaning to rent that one and so that day I finally decided to do it, get everything on the John Carpenter list crossed off. It was a 3 hour TV movie originally but the VHS release is a 2 hour theatrical cut. It’s slick and well made and it’s basically every musician biopic cliche all lined up in a row: the discovery of talent, the loyalty to old friends, spending money on the naive parents, the first girlfriend who leaves him, the new love, winning over her parents, the honeymoon is over (why the fuck you gonna marry Elvis and then ask him to stop doing music!?), the fall from grace, the amazing comeback.

I’ll be damned if I know what connects this stylistically to Carpenter. It’d be funny if it had his keyboard scoring, but it doesn’t. Historically though it’s monumental because this is where Carpenter met Kurt Russell. And Russell is fucking great, scowling and gyrating and just being Elvis. To do that much Elvis impersonating without seeming ridiculous is a real feat.

I even thought wait a minute – Bruce Campbell won’t do the sequel to BUBBA HO-TEP for whatever mysterious reason. Nobody thinks they can recast it. But what if Kurt Russell would do it? Then it could be a sequel to BUBBA HO-TEP and to ELVIS: THE MOVIE. He’d probaly want too much money but they at least gotta ask. That’s the one guy who would be a step up. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: ,
Posted in Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 5 Comments »

Hatchet

Friday, September 28th, 2007

Well, I guess now it’s officially a pattern. The pattern goes like this:

  1. small independent horror movie plays a few small film festivals.
  2. People on the internet go ape shit because they got to see it first.
  3. Buzz spreads for a year or so.
  4. Anchor Bay (#1 releaser of horror movies in the VHS days) buys rights, gives tiny theatrical release.
  5. I see it on DVD.
  6. god damn it, why don’t they make good ones anymore

This pattern started with BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON and fortunately this one is not as asinine as that one. It’s not terrible, but it doesn’t cut the mustard. Believe me, I wish it did. I see mustard everywhere and I want nothing more than for that mustard to be cut by a movie like this. But just being above the standards of the DTV giant snake movies is not a horror resurgence.

I had hopes for HATCHET because unlike BEHIND THE MASK there’s nothing postmodern or meta about it. It’s just a straightup slasher movie about a big, unkillable freak chopping people up in the Louisiana swamp. His name is Victor Crowley and he’s played by Kane Hodder, who played Jason in some of the later FRIDAY THE 13ths. Victor has a backstory kind of like Jason meets the guy in THE BURNING: he was a deformed freak who kids treated bad, then his dad (also Kane Hodder) hit him in the face with a hatchet and also I think he was set on fire or something, I forget. (more…)

2 people like this post.
Unlike

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews | 18 Comments »

Death Proof (DVD)

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

For me GRINDHOUSE was one of the great theatrical experiences of 2007. A rare modern instance of filmatists trying to put on a real show, and giving you more than your money’s worth. Two movies for the price of one, plus fake trailers – an affordable night or afternoon out. Yeah, I read about how it failed to make money for the Weinsteins, but guess what? That’s what happens when you spend decades buying other people’s movies so you can cut them, dub them, retitle them, sit them on a shelf for years, and then only allow them to be rented at Blockbuster. When you spend that long doing that many cruel and unusual things eventually your bi-yearly good deed will fail for you too. Because you are an asshole.

So in that sense GRINDHOUSE is even better than you realize at first glance. It’s a good time at the movies AND it lost money for some assholes. Two birds with one stone, in the form of two movies.

Down to business: I was one of the people who thought Rodriguez’s PLANET TERROR was kind of a fun fake movie but Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF was a good actual movie. I liked it. So that’s where I’m coming from reviewing the new DEATH PROOF dvd out today. A guy who bought the dvd because he likes the movie.

That’s right, the DEATH PROOF dvd. As opposed to the GRINDHOUSE dvd that would contain the original double feature as shown to packed houses on the outer edges of the United States. You may say wait a minute, why are these bloodsuckers releasing the two movies on dvd separately? No longer a double feature? Without even including the trailers? And as if we are so stupid that we don’t know they’re gonna release it as a double feature later? (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.
Unlike

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Crime, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | 37 Comments »

Halloween (2007)

Tuesday, September 4th, 2007

please deliver to:
Michael Meyers
Spooky old Meyers house
Haddonfield, IL 61764

Dear Michael Meyers,

Vern here. Big fan. Going way back. I watch HALLOWEEN once or twice a year. Part 2 once every couple years. Part 3 every once in a while, even though it’s lame that they wouldn’t pay you enough to come back for that one. 4 and 5 I watch once every 3 or 4 blue moons. Part 6 I watched once in a theater and once on producer’s cut video and that’s quite enough of that shit, thank you very much. Part 7 I actually like, mainly because of Laurie getting away, deciding she can’t run for her whole life, going back, chasing you down and lopping your god damn head off. No offense. And then part 8 I saw on DVD and if I could I would become a child, dress up as a clown and sneak into that movie’s bedroom with a knife. Not that I would get off on that or anything, it would just be the right thing to do. You would hate that one too because they burn down your house.

But since HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION is a movie and there just isn’t a feasible way of stabbing it I was almost glad that Rob Zombie was remaking HALLOWEEN. It’s wrong, it’s a bad idea, but at least it would prevent another scene where Busta Rhymes yells at you because he thinks it’s his friend playing a joke and you get scared and leave.

But now that I’ve seen Zombie’s take on the story I got some questions and comments. First of all, which one were you? I always thought you were the mysterious dead-eyed kid “sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall… waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off.” But is it actually more like this remake? There was no silent alarm, you just tortured animals as a child and got abused alot and you were evil and escaped and killed more people?

I liked you better as the unexplainable killing machine. The walking puzzle with knives in place of answers. To be fair, Zombie does not explain you. He shows your cartoonishly troubled home life as a child, your being bullied about your mom being a smokin hot stripper, your childhood experiments with animals, the details of your first murders, your obsession with masks, your selective memory while in the asylum (”Is everybody at home okay?”) and then after an hour of that Zombie seems to say “Beats me, can’t explain evil. Let’s just run through the story of part 1 and the twist of part 2. Make it quick though, we only got about 45 minutes.”

In this one you’re more of a rampaging monster. They got this guy Tyler Mane, he’s 6′8″ and used to be a wrestler but he’s slimmed down, he doesn’t look like a muscleman thank God. But they got this whole cornball part in the asylum where he’s got stringy hair over a paper mache mask, there’s some guitars going and there is no way anybody can watch that part without thinking of WWE. They probaly shoulda thrown zebra pants on him and shot some sparks around, got it over with. Don’t watch that part, you’ll get so mad you’ll eat a dog.

I like Tyler Mane though. He played Tiger X-Man in the first X-MEN picture, I also thought he was real likable in the okay made for cable version of HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER. I’m not so sure about Zombie’s 1980s “if the gun is bigger it’s even more totally awesome” type philosophy here but it’s not Tyler Mane’s fault he’s a giant. He does a good job once they finally get the ol’ Shape mask on him and although the original, I suspect closer to the truth depiction was better it was a nice twist to have this guy going on a god damn speed rampage smashing people through bathroom stalls, stabbing through ceilings with 2 x 4s, in one part bashing through a door but not a Jason Voorhees style balsa wood door, he does it like a cop or a home invader. All bets are off, locks are powerless against this Shape. You might wanna try that trick out if you haven’t already. Seems to work.

Hey Michael did you ever see Zombie’s last movie THE DEVIL’S REJECTS? It’s pretty fucked up, you probaly have the DVD. I think this movie ate that one though because pretty much the entire cast is here. I’m not exaggerating. Sid Haig, Sherri Moon Zombie, Bill Moseley, Ken Foree, Tyler Mane, Danny Trejo, Leslie Easterbrook, Tom Towles, William Forsythe, Lew Temple, Daniel Roebuck. That’s pretty much everybody but Brian Posehn and a couple extras!

I don’t know, do you watch horror movies? If so you might find the cameos distracting. There’s also Udo Kier, Clint Howard, Dee Wallace, Sybil Danning, Adrienne Barbeau. Not to mention Mickey fucking Dolenz and one of the SPY KIDS. It’s like the Rob Zombie Variety Hour. Kind of fun but makes it harder to get sucked in.

Zombie’s not as comfortable or as consistent as on DEVIL’S REJECTS, but he’s got some good sequences here and there. Biggest surprise: he must be really good with kids. Doug Faerch who plays you as a kid starts out kind of corny (he gives you long hair and a Kiss t-shirt! I don’t buy it) but when he’s in the asylum he’s really good. Those are my favorite scenes, when Loomis is asking you about what happened on Halloween and you think he’s asking what kind of candy you got. What an adorable little Shape. You’re not being a smartass, you seem like you really don’t know, like there really is an innocent little boy in there talking but there’s something else taking over. You, I guess. And the little boy doesn’t have a clue.

This is gonna sound weird but – are you tragic? In this movie you might be a little. Because you know there’s a little bit of that little boy there but he can’t help but massacre everybody, even the cool ex-con janitor who was nice to him in the asylum (Danny Trejo). That was a pretty good part where he found you standing in the middle of a bloodbath and tried to convince you to let him take you back to your room. That was fucked up man if you really did that you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to be preachy.

But the little boy in you wants to see your baby sister who you call Boo. I always thought that Laurie-was-your-sister thing was just some bullshit they made up for part 2 but in this remake it seems like the only thing you care about. You find her and we think you’re gonna kill her but you just show her a picture of you holding her as a baby and she doesn’t know what the fuck you mean. I remember when Quint reviewed an early script for this thing he said you talked in it and I was mad. But then I read that you only said one word. So now I know that word must’ve been “Boo.” And I kind of wish they left that in there.

Just for dramatic purposes though, I know you don’t talk, please don’t take it the wrong way. We’re buddies, right?

So I don’t think they quite nailed the tragic part, but I like what they were going for. We’re supposed to be a little sad for you, not like you’re a victim or anything but just because damn, whatever the fuck happened to that guy, too bad it happened.

Hey well at least you’re not fixated on your mom like Jason, Norman, Ed Gein, etc. I don’t know how you feel about your mom but I was disappointed that Zombie didn’t quite make her work. He got part way there. His wife Sherri Moon plays her and does a good job, much better than her giggly psychopath in DEVIL’S REJECTS. I really like when you’re in the asylum and she’s visiting you and trying to be a good mother. We tend to forget that you had a family and it’s an interesting angle to think of how much it would suck to be your mom. No offense. But because it’s Rob Zombie he also has to make her a stripper and have her live with William Forsythe who doesn’t have a single line that’s not calling somebody a bitch or a faggot or threatening to skullfuck somebody (or both, or all three).

If it was less of a cartoon, if there was a little more time making mom seem like a real woman worrying about what to do about her son (think of THE EXORCIST), I think it would’ve been pretty devastating when she (SPOILER ALERT) kills herself. Oh wait, I don’t have to spoiler alert that, you already knew that. Unless it was made up. Not sure. well, sorry if I gave it away. Don’t knife me into a wall, please.

By the way, maybe you could settle something here. Do you know how to drive? I say you do, Rob Zombie says you don’t. I like when I watch HALLOWEEN with a friend and it gets to the part where you steal the car. Somebody will usually say “What!? He’s been locked up since he was a kid, he doesn’t know how to drive!” And I just smile because I know that later the sheriff will make the same point and Loomis will say “Well he was doing very well last night!” I always liked that, but I can see why Zombie might assume that modern movie watchers do not have imagination and can’t handle that type of enigma without serious brain trauma.

But the thing is, he then re-enacts the scenes where in the original you were driving a car. Laurie, Annie and Lynda see a car following them around, they assume it’s somebody from school and anyway the car is distancing, they can’t see you inside. So they have the courage to yell shit at you.

In this there is no car, you’re a pedestrian, so they look directly across the street to a 6′8″ giant wearing a Halloween mask in broad daylight and they still talk shit and then giggle! It doesn’t make sense, Zombie must be wrong. I’m right, aren’t I? You’re a driver. Not licensed, but you have the skill, and have never gotten a ticket. I just know it.

By the way, what is your opinion of the rock balled “Love Hurts”? Because I couldn’t believe Zombie used that for the most crucial montage in the movie. I hope I wasn’t supposed to be laughing, but I was. Also did you really eat a dog because in this one you didn’t eat a dog but I liked before when you ate a dog.

(more…)

Unlike

Tags: ,
Posted in Horror, Reviews | No Comments »

The Invasion

Wednesday, August 15th, 2007

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. First there was the book. Then the movie by Don Siegel. Then the ’70s version by Philip Kaufman. Then the ’90s one that everybody hated if they heard of it but personally I thought it was okay by Abel Ferrara. Now we got yet another version, this one directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, a German guy known here for DAS EXPERIMENT and DOWNFALL. But then after he was done they, uh, snatched it from him, and producer Joel Silver had the Wachowskis write some new scenes which were apparently shot by the V FOR VENDETTA dude.

So you kind of know right away that this is not gonna be a masterpiece. Either Hirschbeigel’s movie sucked – in which case they’re not gonna be able to fix it just by adding some Wachowski here and there – or maybe the movie was good and Joel Silver just didn’t get it, in which case, fuck. I guess the best thing you can wish for is an ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU where it’s completely crazy anyway and the turmoil probaly added to the magic. (But even in that case the director was replaced after a few days, not after the movie was already done.)

What we get is not a best or worst case scenario, it’s in between. The movie is not good. But it’s pretty fun. They get some mileage from all the things that make the body snatcher concept so creepy: emotionless people walking around like zombies, mindless hordes that you can’t hide from, not always knowing at a glance who’s on your team, knowing you or your loved ones could be next. This version of the story centers on a psychiatrist played by Nicole Kidman, her best friend/doctor played by Daniel Craig, and her son, played by some kid with a bowl cut. Also the great Jeffrey Wright is in there in a generic role as a scientist friend. Unless he is really that CIA agent he played in CASINO ROYALE and he is trailing Bond who is undercover as a doctor while investigating this invasion. If that is the case they should’ve spelled it out more clearly, I didn’t get it. (more…)

Unlike

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | No Comments »

Page 18 of 29« First...101617181920...Last »