I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Note to Los Angeles area readers

tn_seagalpaintedI wanted to point out this calendar item at your local Cinefamily theater in case anybody needs to get tickets and get the day (Saturday, June 14th) off. Must be open to viewing four of Steven Seagal’s greatest movies on 35 mm while being disappointed by the demystification of a previously enigmatic writer and Seagal expert.

More details/explanations later this week.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
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40 Responses to “Note to Los Angeles area readers”

  1. Holy shit!

  2. Never thought I’d see the day that I’d feel disappointed to not live in L.A., but here we are.

  3. Can’t believe it.

  4. He should wear the Bane mask and voice distorter. For mysteriousness.

  5. Man, I was just in the area for a week or so not long ago, too. I would have loved to attend, especially because Under Siege 2 is amazing, but mostly because it’s the first public appearance of a dude I’ve been reading for literally almost half my life.

    My long-running theory that Vern is actually Roger Ebert kind of took a hit last year, but maybe it’s a long-con type of situation.

    Just sayin’, Under Siege 2 has Eric Bogosian cause an earthquake in mid-air.

  6. Since no one outside of Seattle knows who Vern REALLY is, how will anyone know if the guy who co-hosts this shindig actually IS Vern? It brings to mind: http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0028665/?ref_=fn_ch_ch1

    It took all of 10 seconds to figure that out. Anyway, nice to see Under Siege 2 gettin’ some love. Many people I’ve known have derided it as being far inferior to the first installment, but I’ve always thought it holds up just fine.

  7. Somebody has got to get video of this.

  8. I remember years ago when Vern did a “video review” of the MACHETE screenplay and it was him using a computer synthesizer voice. lol

    True story: Once upon a long ago, thought he was black.

  9. I am so there.

  10. I have purchased tickets. As long as the author of the books “Niketown” and “Seagalogy” shows up, I will not be disappointed.

  11. Douglas J. Needles

    April 20th, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I wish you would come to Vancouver, B.C. with those showings. Would love to get my 3 Vern books signed. I was hoping to get Seagal a few years back when he was doing an On Deadly Ground: Q & A in Vancouver, but he canceled it.

  12. OMG public Vern.

    I’m 90% positive he’s black. Used to think he might be female too…

  13. Holy shit. I live, like three blocks away! I am SOOOOOOOO going to be there.

    Anyone wanna meet up for drinks before/after at the Kibbutz room?

  14. I thought Vern was black too, but he mentioned in a review that he was White, if I recall correctly. I’m not sure if my assumption spoke to a benign prejudice, the fact that others thought this makes me feel a bit better.

  15. Ha ha, April foo…wait…it’s the 21st. DAMN! Now I really need money for plane tickets to the US!

  16. Holy shit, they’re screening SHE’S ALL THAT!

    Choices, choices…..

  17. Sad that I don’t live in LA, but happy they’re going with Under Siege 2 instead of Part 1. I’m not sure if it’s just a rights/availability issue, but I’ve been saying Part 2 is the better movie for years. Sure, there’s no Busey (or especially Jones) but it’s quicker paced and more fun, the climax is better, and the kills don’t seem to have been written by a 12 year old boy who just watched a whole bunch of horror movies. Plus “nobody beats me in the kitchen” is sure to bring the house down.

  18. Sweet Jesus. I live outside Los Angeles – about 2,500 miles outside of Los Angeles. But I already happen to have a reason why I might be there in June anyway! What luck!

  19. For those who don’t know:

    Cinefamily (aka The Silent Movie Theater) is an LA movie house that operates as a 401-5C non-profit. It’s a single screen, 200 seat theater specializing in edgy independent fare and repertory screenings of obscure films. In the last 2 weeks I saw Jodorowsky’s Dune; Wild at Heart; a collection of silent pornography introduced by Black Francis; Sorcerer and Exorcist 2: The Heretic.

    Tickets are 12 bucks a pop, but you can buy a yearlong membership for $300. With the membership, you get a ticket to every single movie they screen (free at the door for today or future shows – if not sold out – or 2 dollar service fee on the website), free popcorn at every showing, free parking directly across the street, a t-shirt and a poster.

    They screen 200+ movies a year and often have badass guest speakers (now including Vern!) and the best film community I have ever seen, present company excluded.

    Last October, I saw 25 horror films during their 30 film midnight marathon. Last summer, they did a 24-hour fundraiser where Miranda July had a yard sale. I bought her old lime green wallet for $20.

    The venue is located in the Fairfax District of West Hollywood, right next to Canter’s deli (and the theater where I run comedy shows!) As an added bonus, if you hang around long enough, Tyler the Creator might hit you on his skateboard, which happened to me ealier this month.

    I have no idea how the place stays in business, exactly. But I love it deeply and spend an inordinate amount of time there.

  20. of course, my mind immediately starts plotting “how do we get to LA for this?” but I believe I will be on the other coast (goddamnit!!) visiting in-laws as this occurs, so even though it would be a major stretch to come even if I had nothing going on, its a total impossibility. Looks like a great line-up of films you got set up there- I might’ve subbed in Glimmer Man for Under Siege 2, but I am a man of particular tastes, I suppose. I know that is not exactly a popular choice of the “silver era” ’round these parts. You guys gotta lay off Under Siege part one though, geez, you’d think it sucks and only the sequel is any good. They’re both good movies! I’m partial to the first one, but I can’t deny Tommy Lee Jones over Eric Bogosian, no matter how much I like Talk Radio. Oh right, there’s the fucking horrible CG in that one, too. I never hear people bring this up, but doesn’t it seem like they ran out of money by the end of Under Siege 2. Like, the effects get progressively shittier over the course of the movie, culminating in the amazing shit show finale with Eric Bogosian getting his fingers cut off and writhing around on a green screen, exploding train backdrop and digital fire effects added much later by the Sci-Fi channel’s B-team or whoever was super cheap and available. Anyway, I feel like both movies are equally good, but in different ways. Sorry I can’t make it out, hope the thing fuckin’ sells out and someone takes pictures of your (Vern’s) first public appearance.

    Gotta say, I am a bit torn on whether or not I even wanna know what old Vern looks like, but its probably the only way for a dude to truly advance, so its a good thing. Anyway, hope that is fucking fun, I know it will be.

  21. This would be so awesome but I’m not going to be able to get there from the UK. All the best though Vern hope it’s a massive success!

  22. Good luck Vern. Would love to be there but my private jet is in for repairs that week. Look forward to your Australian visit. You.Are.The.Man.

  23. What I wouldn’t give to be there, if only to experience ON DEADLY GROUND on the big screen, on 35mm! UNDER SIEGE 2 also of course. And speaking of DARK TERRITORY, here’s a terrific interview with Geoff Murphy (a very honest man, to put it mildly!), conducted in connection with a list of the top 50 films made in New Zealand. Murphy has more than one film in the top 10.

  24. Ooops! Forgot the link. Here ya go: http://movies.interactives.co.nz/murphy.php

  25. grimgrinningchris

    April 21st, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    This is insanity! Is that Longmont Potion Castle guy coming out of hiding too!?!? I can barely believe this. Part of me in beyond stoked and part of my slightly disappointed that this is the end of the mystery. I’ve actually spent more than a little bit of time trying to track down and find Vern’s Batcave to no avail.

    After so many years or smoke and mirrors, I will be disappointed if Vern does not turn out to be a small Asian woman or Kris Novoselic.

  26. Anybody else remember the Vern Wikipedia page that popped up in… I wanna say 2006? It was back in the Geocities days, but he mentioned it on the homepage. All I remember is that it said that Vern was “a critic or group of critics,” and it wasn’t up for very long. At the time I’d never previously considered that Vern was more than one guy, but after reading him for going on 10 years I’m pretty convinced that there is, and can only be, one.

  27. Man, the anticipation’s killing me. Vern, unmasked!

    Oh well, I’ll wait it with my copy of NIKETOWN. I think my favorite little bit is (SPOILERS) when Chase goes back to rescrew the security grill outside Dante’s apartment after they had their heart to heart outside the grocery store; the same grill which he previously unscrewed so that he could break in and get his revenge. It’s just such a Vern moment.

  28. Excellent. And man, I am more than half-tempted to buy a plane ticket. Instead I’ll buy another few copies of Vern books to distribute to friends.

    Vern, I’m glad you’re de-mystifyicating yourself. Take this act on the road to middle America, son! If I can drive there in 6-10hrs I’ll totally do it.

  29. I’ll be there you mysterious basterd.

  30. Apparently FilmCrit Hulk revealed his true identity today too. Jealous bastard trying to steal Vern’s thunder (winky smiley face)

  31. On a different note: I hope this event will be filled with cynical teenagers, who expect some MST3K/Cracked.com-ish takedown on Seagal and his career and then not just get educated, but become true fans or at least appreciators and buy a copy of SEAGALOGY.

  32. I find it fascinating that someone can get famous for constantly using the Caps lock button

  33. Oh, hell yes! I’m there!

  34. Cinefamily is not the type of place where people go to ironically watch something.

  35. Oh man, I hate to derail this excellent news even a little bit — I would totally buy tickets to this, btw, if I was anywhere near LA or was going to be anywhere near LA that day — but Film Crit Hulk revealed his identity? Really?

  36. Oh, I see, that’s based on a joke from twitter. Shoulda looked it up before seriously asking.

  37. Oh, so FilmCrit Hulk did not reveal his identity? *shrug* I didn’t know who that guy was anyway.

  38. The Undefeated Gaul

    April 25th, 2014 at 5:24 am

    I didn’t realize FilmCrit Hulk’s identity was much of a secret as Vern mentioned him in his review of The Butler:

    “Cecil convinces his dad (the rapper David Banner, who also writes about movies under the name FILMCRIT HULK) to take a stand.”

  39. I don’t think FilmCrit Hulk identity is so secret, we have seen a picture of him together with the other people of Bad Ass Digest, he was pretty much identity by simply search all the other names and identity all the others on the picture. He also shows up on podcast all the time, and he done a couple pieces where he has spend time with Rian Johnson and Harmony Korine in festivals. He also has worked in several film production, and because of that doesn’t review Steven Soderbergh films, and he has also been in the Academy Award sermony as a part of crewe to a film. So a lot of people knows his identity, while Vern on the other hand, I’m not sure how many knows the identity, his face or his voice.

    I’m not sure why Vern has kept identity secret, but I know Hulk does it, because it’s kinda a tool to get people to listen, as he had written stuff under his real name that didn’t get notice, so it’s not just a simple gimmick. Also he like to keep himself anynomus because of working in the industry, but he is no Neill Cumpston (a really funny review on AICN written by Patton Oswalt).

  40. Man do I wish I had the time to make it out to this show. Vern is there any chance we can set something like this up here in Austin at one of the Alamo Draft house theaters? If so tell me what I need to do to make it happen and I am on it!

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