Wild Things Foursome

tn_wildthings4 Didn’t get a chance to link this earlier, but The Ain’t It Cool News is running my review of the new straight to video WILD THINGS sequel. It really is called WILD THINGS FOURSOME. It’s easy to assume they only made the movie in order to use that title, but it actually kind of seems like the 4th person in the foursome (not pictured) was added in at the last minute. She’s barely in the movie at all.

By the way, two or three of the talkbackers there remind me how cool you guys are. Good job being cool, everybody.

the review is here

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Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, John Schneider

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 4th, 2010 at 8:17 pm and is filed under Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

46 Responses to “Wild Things Foursome”

MattmanBegins
May 4th, 2010 at 9:19 pm

God, your smackdowns of assholes are priceless. “Specially arranged for there to be dozens, maybe hundreds of other topics you can find to read about”…ah, I hope you feel cleansed, because I sure do. I really hope you can find a way to somehow collect those for a future book, something of a Vern equivalent of I HATED, HATED, HATED THIS TALKBACKER.

As it is, I’ll have to be content with my freshly-arrived copy of YIPPEE KI-YAY, which I’m opening up…right about now (a bit of a shame that the publisher couldn’t/wouldn’t do all the different colors and fonts you used in the DOMINO review, by the way. We’ll always have the internet, I guess.)
Tyler Bowser
May 4th, 2010 at 9:39 pm

Great review Vern, I agree that the first Wild Things was great, I haven’t seen the sequels but I’m curious to check them out but definitely not excepting much. I thought it was really funny how some of the talk backers on AICN were so outraged that you were reviewing this particular movie, I guess they had never seen any of your reviews before or they just haven’t been paying attention. Someone must tell them about your greatness.
anthony
May 4th, 2010 at 10:09 pm

Thank you vern, for more badassness in the form of moving picture reviews and talkbacker beatdowns. Barnabyjones got owned.
Anaru
May 4th, 2010 at 10:27 pm

I think the twist for Wild Things Fivesome should be that one of the guys is a serial rapist, but nobody believes any of the victims cos of the four movies’ worth of scheming bitches’ false allegations.
Paddy
May 5th, 2010 at 1:08 am

I received not one, but 2 copies of YIPPEE KI-YAY this week. Safe.
Paul
May 5th, 2010 at 3:29 am

Anaru – wow. Issues!

I totally agree on the idea of a “foursome” and will continue to stick to threesomes only in future. (Yeah.) The foursome, it seems to me, would be just awkward, like when you’re on a bus that’s full of people and the guy sitting directly opposite you has his fly undone. You don’t know where to look.
Griff
May 5th, 2010 at 3:40 am

I find it hilarious that they’ve made a 4th dtv sequel to a movie from 1998 that people only saw for the nudity
Griff
May 5th, 2010 at 3:41 am

whatever happened though to movies that’s main selling point was some famous actress’ nudity?
Jam
May 5th, 2010 at 6:00 am

Uh, was there any real nudity in the first WILD THINGS? I remember titilation rather than flesh…
Mr. Majestyk
May 5th, 2010 at 6:21 am

The entitlement of some talkbackers is monstrous. “This thing that took four minutes to read and was totally free and optional did not quite meet my standards! No one has ever suffered more!”
Jareth Cutestory
May 5th, 2010 at 9:10 am

Not only that, Majestyk, but the talkbacker who was complaining the most was oblivious to the skill with which the review was written. Even if you don’t care about the film, you have to appreciate the review on a technical level. That’s some beautiful writing.

And of course the explication of the technical aspects of a foursome is pure genius.
Mr. Subtlety
May 5th, 2010 at 9:14 am

Look at it this way: at least Vern’s review took those nutballs away from whatever other mischief they might be up to in their real lives. As long as someone is posting anything anywhere on the internet that displeases them, they’re powerless to resist the urge to complain and hence incapacitated, unable to leave to do any of the real harm they might wish to.
Mr. Majestyk
May 5th, 2010 at 9:18 am

Jareth:My favorite part of the exchange was the talkbacker’s clueless comeback, which was something to the effect of “Are calling me gay?” You can’t make that shit up. Well, actually you can, but everyone would say it was overly broad and obvious. That’s reality for you.

Mr. S: You make a good point, unless the mood slime from Ghostbusters II is real, in which case all the negativity these douches generate on a daily basis is bound to have some serious Twinkie-level repercussions.
Jareth Cutestory
May 5th, 2010 at 9:22 am

I like to think that at least one of those talkbackers is being kept busy trying to crack the “code” that Vern encrypted into his review.
Stu
May 5th, 2010 at 11:03 am

“By the way, two or three of the talkbackers there remind me how cool you guys are. Good job being cool, everybody.”
No problem, Mister V. *double thumbs up*Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
solo
May 5th, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Wow. Those talkbackers were lame. And I thought I was a dick! Funny review. Would I partake in a foursome? I would give it my best that’s for darn sure! Picturing Jareths comment. Great stuff! So what is next? Wild Things 5: Cluster fuck? Without the actual fucking?
CJ Holden
May 5th, 2010 at 12:12 pm

I just wrote about the foursome that I once participated in (during my “let’s experiment” years), but then I decided to delete it, because it sounded too much like a lame attempt at being funny, although I was 100% serious.
solo
May 5th, 2010 at 12:19 pm

I should have written: “with just the cluster?”. Better ring to it. And CJ, please rewrite. I’m intrigued.
solo
May 5th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Oh, and I have technically been in a foursome. Two guys and two girls. Really just a case of swapping. So not much fun. Well, it was a laugh. I’ll leave it to that.
Jareth Cutestory
May 5th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

CJ Holden: After that review Vern posted on the Horse Fucking movie, and the comments that followed (second only to the Demon Dave talkback and the Walter B. talkback), I think the bar has been set pretty high for sex-rated hijinks on this site.

What the hell was the name of that Horse Fucking movie, anyway?
Mr. Majestyk
May 5th, 2010 at 12:31 pm

ZOO.

I have not seen it, by the way.
Jareth Cutestory
May 5th, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Thanks, Mr. M. You know the old saying: Some films you can see without seeing.
GoodBadGroovy
May 5th, 2010 at 1:34 pm

I have seen Zoo, caught it late night on TV. Actually found it to be incredibly boring, managed to go the opposite end of sensationalising, instead trying to make it seem artistic. Bizarre.

Everyone seen the new trailer for Machete? I’m suprised how decent and “straight” they seem to be playing it. Also Seagal looks fairly badass.

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/44943
Stu
May 5th, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Should have said in my previous post that I enjoyed the review a lot too, and when Vern said John Schneider plays the lead cop, I first pictured ROB Schneider in the role for some reason. And I don’t hold Dukes of Hazzard against John anyway, cos I’m more familiar with him as Pa Kent in Smallville.
Mr. Subtlety
May 5th, 2010 at 2:59 pm

I dunno about that MACHETE trailer. Seagal looks cool, but Jessica Alba especially looks pretty out-of-place. It’s fine that she can’t act, but she just looks to obviously Hollywood for something like this. The original trailer felt 100% badass authentic… this one kind of wavers between slick Hollywood and grimy z-grade exploitation. But I was always opposed to casting all those big-name stars, so I guess its not much of a surprise that I’m lukewarm to it. At least DeNiro looks like he’s playing it pretty straight – I wish it was some unknown, but I appreciate that he doesn’t look like he’s treating like some hilariously ironic joke. Seagal too, obviously.

What can I say, man, haters gotta hate. On the other hand, its fucking awesome that they got it linked in with this bullshit Arizona law. That’s legit badass.
frankbooth
May 5th, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Michael Richards = wrong way to handle hecklers.

Vern = right way.
Griff
May 5th, 2010 at 9:00 pm

AICN talkbackers REALLY get on my nerves sometimes, so much so that I often contemplate whether to stop visiting AICN altogether

I’m hopelessly addicted though

and GoodBadGroovy, I found ZOO to be extremely boring too, I stopped watching it after 30 minutes
Admittedly A Pervert
May 5th, 2010 at 9:16 pm

Vern, can you confirm that Marnette Patterson (the blonde) shows her boobs during the foursome and that it is not a body double. Some of us have really been into her ever since she was on “Movie Stars” and Who’s Your Daddy? .
frankbooth
May 5th, 2010 at 9:34 pm

Yeah, Vern, I hope you were taking notes during the sex scenes. It’s your JOB as a critic to keep track of these things.
CJ Holden
May 6th, 2010 at 12:03 am

The thing about my foursome report is not that I’m scared of writing something dirty here, but that it comes pretty close to the “I’m a stud on the internet”-thing that Vern talked about in his review. (I would never call myself a stud or show off with my sexual abilities, but unfortunately this is part of the story and even while I’m writing this apologoy for not talking about it, I feel bad for talking about it by not talking about it.)
CrustaceanHate
May 6th, 2010 at 12:23 am

Love that MACHETE trailer and the opening sequence about Arizona is 110% awesome, wobbly zoom and all.
Vern
May 6th, 2010 at 12:34 am

Admittedly A Pervert: Sorry, I cannot confirm or deny which actresses show boobs. I think she did but I wasn’t paying attention if it was a stunt double or not.
solo
May 6th, 2010 at 2:06 am

Just clicked on to the Machete trailer and I’m impressed. About time Trejo got a lead role. De Niro looks great and in a good role at long last. His recent back catalogue has been dissapointing. Rodrigez (Michelle) looks typically bad ass, Lohan I didn’t even recognize! I think people are being harsh on Alba. I read her interview recently and she just wants to escape the usual Hollywood role and veer off course into shit like this. Good on her. And of course Seagal. Always a joy to see Seagal!

Machete looks like a decent return to form for Rodrigez (Robert) and would appear to bring back the fun of Dusk ’till Dawn, El’mariachi and Desparado. How can one not be entertained?
Jam
May 6th, 2010 at 2:39 am

Alba seems to be working in the trailer for Michael Winterbottom’s Jim Thompson adaptation, THE KILLER INSIDE ME. Well, she’s getting slapped around, but it looks good.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/video/2010/may/05/michael-winterbottom-killer-inside-me
ironic name
May 6th, 2010 at 9:34 am

I might have to masturbate three times for michelle, lindz and alba.
ok, maybe two times for michelle and once for lindz.
Mr. Majestyk
May 6th, 2010 at 10:00 am

Did you guys read that Danny Trejo interview on the AV Club? Best interview ever. My favorite part is when he got up in some dude’s face for being a prick on the set of a Charles Bronson movie and Chuck was like, “I like the way you work, Danny.” That’s an historic meeting of two of film’s most grizzled faces right there.
Stu
May 6th, 2010 at 11:13 am

That was great piece. I liked the fact he worked on Heat as “Armed Robbery Consultant”.
GoodBadGroovy
May 6th, 2010 at 11:40 am

Majestyk – just read that bit, haha, that’s raw bad-assness. Really interesting reading how he likes acting because it’s a rush similar to his bank robbing days. The dude needs an autobiography.
ironic name
May 6th, 2010 at 11:18 pm

google champion, his autobiography documentary, there is a trailer on youtube.
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Griff
October 29th, 2011 at 2:05 am

Vern, your review has gone 404 on AICN

the world must know your thoughts on Wild Things Foursome again!
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