Archive for 2008

Wrestlemaniac

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

Legend has it that in the 1960s the president of Mexico (whoever that was) was obsessed with wrestling. He was humiliated that his country couldn’t beat Russia in the Olympics, so he began a secret program. Scientists took three of the best lucha libre guys and Frankensteined them into one: El Mascerado, the greatest wrestler who ever lived. But after a while something went wrong. He went insane in the ring, poking people’s eyes out and mangling people (both of which are illegal in Mexican wrestling). So they took him away to some small town to put him down and nobody knows what happened. Now, a vanful of American douchebags have accidentally stopped in a ghost town where El Mascerado secretly resides. And they’re about to learn that he’s not exactly retired yet. He hasn’t switched to ringside commentator, he’s still in the game. And still undefeated.

How can you go wrong with a premise like that? Well, they try their best to go wrong. After a nice lucha libre montage under the credits they introduce the obnoxious lead-trespasser, Alfonse, talking about that stupid concept called “the Dirty Sanchez.” I’m not gonna explain what it is because it doesn’t exist, it’s just some stupid bullshit some prick like this guy made up because he impresses himself by yammering about this type of stupid shit. Basically it’s a made-up sex act that would give no sexual pleasure but would be demeaning, racist and disgusting, so Screech did it in his porno dvd.

Why would it exist? Why would it have a name? And why do I want to watch the adventures of some corny wannabe redneck with stupid facial hair who thinks he’s cool for knowing about this type of bullshit? I know, you’re not supposed to like him. (Other than in SCARFACE if they show a character snorting coke it means you’re not supposed to like them.) But there’s a fine line between funny assholes that are entertaining to watch and stupid assholes that make you regret renting the movie (or turning to the Sci-Fi Channel, which is often the case with a character like this). (more…)

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Hell Ride

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

The first time I saw KILL BILL VOLUME 2, when Michael Madsen got chewed out by his boss at the strip club, I thought Who is that guy? Because he had such a presence, he seemed so perfect to play that type of sleazy (but completely justified in this case) boss, but I didn’t think I recognized him from anything. Turns out he was Larry Bishop, son of Joey Bishop. He’s an actor going back to WILD IN THE STREETS and an I DREAM OF JEANNIE episode, and the guy who directed that movie MAD DOG TIME a while back. Well, Tarantino obviously liked him so he helped him to make a biker movie, this time not just as director but as writer/director/producer/star.

Tarantino put his name on the movie as a presenter, hooked Bishop up with Dimension Films, and loaned him the use of Michael Madsen and David Carradine for a while. He also seems to be a big inspiration on the attitude of the movie, which is basically a western on motorcycles with lots of weird non-sequitur shit thrown in. The movie also has some pretty hip marketing, one of the first incidents in modern times of a movie released with a cool illustrated movie poster that remains as the DVD cover. Everyone knows you’re supposed to throw away the poster and put a shitty photoshop collage of the actor’s heads on the DVD. That’s in marketing 101. This one breaks that rule.

Okay, I can’t lie to you, after you’re done looking at the cover and put the actual DVD in your player – and after you get past the awesome DEATH PROOF trailer that looks like it’s transferred to VHS and has a cheesy ’80s style narrator – most of you will think this movie is a piece of shit. And it kind of is. Anyone who claims that Tarantino just rips off old movies and pieces them together and anybody could do it needs to compare and contrast this one with KILL BILL. Bishop also mixes and matches old exploitation shit he likes (’60s biker movies, western showdowns, softcore porn, spaghetti western music, songs that Tarantino would use in his movies) but doesn’t have the same strong narrative, memorable characters or great action scenes. It’s a simple story muddled by a way too complicated backstory and flashback structure, and with little momentum, powered only by attitude and the occasional funny or weird little moment or scene. On the positive side it’s less than 90 minutes long so it doesn’t torture you. For me it went down easy in three half hour installments. (more…)

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Scream

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Producers of violent horror movies like to claim their movies are “controversial.” Here’s a more mainstream-acceptable horror movie that actually is controversial among movie fans. It was hugely popular at the time, but it seems to me like most horror fans today look down on it or sent it. Like it or not, SCREAM was an important landmark in the ongoing history of the horror. It singlehandedly resuscitated the rotting corpse of the slasher movie (at least in its whodunit form inspired by FRIDAY THE 13TH, SLEEPAWAY CAMP, PROM NIGHT, TERROR TRAIN, etc.) It made horror big business again, paving the way for an onslaught of low (and medium) budget horror that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. But alot of horror fans see themselves as outsiders, so it bugs them when a horror movie is popular with people who aren’t as into stabbing and monsters as they are. And in my opinion there is a certain amount of sexism there, because they get mad about teenage girls liking the same movies as them. (Don’t tell them that HALLOWEEN is about teenage girls, they might cry.)

But the real problem with SCREAM is that it cursed us with a smart-assy self-referentialism that to this day still pops out like a screeching cat to ruin many a would-be tense moment.

So watching SCREAM in late 2008 comes with baggage. You watch it and can’t help but think of all the mediocre-to-bad movies it inspired and the things the cast have done (or haven’t done) since. Hey, that’s the guy from the SCOOBY DOO movies. That’s the lady that Robert Rodriguez left his wife for. That’s Jamie Kennedy. Hey, I forgot about the guy that looked like Johnny Depp. Didn’t he do a movie with Cuba Gooding Jr.? Is he in TV now? Or does he play Jack Sparrow at Disneyland? (more…)

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Road Games

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

After watching DARK AGE and ROGUE recently I started thinking about other Australian pictures, but without giant crocodiles: MAD MAX, RAZORBACK, CHOPPER, WOLF CREEK. And I thought holy shit (American for “crikey”) I gotta see some more Australiama or whatever it’s called. Actually, I have since learned that a documentary on Australian exploitation cinema played in Austin recently and got all my Ain’t It Cool colleagues excited about “Ozploitation.” I’m not ready to accept that term, that seems pretty forced. How bout if we call it “cinemarang.” Or “cinemaroo.” Or “Australian cinema” would be another good one.

Anyway I decided to watch this one by Richard Franklin, best known in the states for the surprisingly decent PSYCHO II. He did that one because he was obsessed with Hitchcock, studied all his movies, even got him to come speak at his film school. Can you believe that shit? “Good evening kids, I’m Alfred Hitchcock. Questions?” I wonder if he hung out in the dorms at all.

Anyway ROAD GAMES is definitely a Hitchcock homage, specifically it’s REAR WINDOW but crossed with Spielberg’s DUEL. Stacy Keach plays a truck driver who spends most of the movie talking to himself, or at least to his pet dingo. He makes up names for the people he sees on the road, and imagines what they’re up to. He has to play these “road games” to survive the long drives.

But then he sees a guy in a van pick up a hitchhiker, and then the same guy digging a hole. He decides this guy is the killer they’ve been talking about on the radio. Of course he tries to find out more and ends up getting into trouble. In one scene an old man seems to think he’s the killer, and there’s a very destructive vehicle chase with boat in tow. Jamie Lee Curtis shows up as a hitchhiker who’s as interested in following the guy as he is. Her name is Pamela but he just calls her “Hitch.” It could be called DINGO AND HITCH but luckily it’s called ROAD GAMES. (more…)

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Sleepaway Camp

Monday, October 27th, 2008

SLEEPAWAY CAMP parts 1-3

There’s no way around it: SLEEPAWAY CAMP is a blatant ripoff of FRIDAY THE 13TH. It borrows the summer camp setting, the child with a tormented past and messed up guardian, and the unseen killer who’s unmasked in a crazy twist ending that nobody could’ve seen coming because it came out of nowhere. Alot of slasher movies take the same formula and put it in a different setting, this one takes the same formula and puts it in the same setting. It’s like DIE HARD in a building.

The reason it’s survived in the popular consciousness, though, is that it has its own weird brand of sleaziness that gives it a feel different from any other slasher movie, including other summer camp slasher movies. For one thing, the kids at the summer camp are played by actual kids. The vast majority of ’80s slasher movies were about teens played by actors in their early to mid twenties. And FRIDAY THE 13TH focussed on the counselors. Adrienne King, who played FRIDAY heroine Alice, was 20. Felissa Rose, the star of SLEEPAWAY CAMP, was 13. It makes it more uncomfortable.

Rose plays Angela, a troubled new girl at the camp who barely talks or eats food, maybe because she’s so traumatized by that time 8 years ago when her brother and dad were killed by a motorboat. She went to live with her crazy Aunt Martha and her cousin Ricky. Now her and Ricky are enrolled in summer camp.

But please note, this is Camp Arawak, New York, not the much more polite Camp Crystal Lake in Connecticut. These little bastards swear like a sailor who just dropped an anchor on his toe after listening to Redd Foxx records all day. And they’re mean. Because Angela is a girl, and because she’s new, and because she’s weird, the kids swarm in on her. A stuck up girl says Angela has small boobs, makes fun of her for being shy. In a classic bit of kid logic the bully girl argues that Angela must be a lesbian because she doesn’t take a shower with the other girls. (more…)

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10/21/08

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

First of all, rest in peace to the one and only Rudy Ray Moore. The man who stuck his finger in the ground and spun the whole world around. I think his movies are hilarious, but he was also a big inspiration to me as a fellow foul-mouthed weirdo trying to do his own thing through whatever low rent self-financed format he could scrounge up. When I self-published SEAGALOGY I liked to fantasize that I was kind of like either Dr. Dre selling NWA tapes out of the trunk of his car or Rudy Ray printing up his own comedy records and travelling around selling them himself. I don’t think I quite matched the level of either of those, but it’s always good to have something to aspire to.

When I saw the man last year it was obvious he was getting older (in fact, it was his 80th birthday). But a man who uses earthquakes to mix his milkshakes, you don’t expect him to be whupped by diabetes. I guess beating up the days of the week or eating an avalanche can wear you down after a while.

I hope I’ll get time soon to sit down and watch my entire Dolemite box set (”Officially Disapproved By the Man,” by the way) and write up some more scholarly works, but I don’t think Petey Wheatstraw would’ve wanted me to interupt my Halloween marathon. So I got a review of a new horror DVD that comes out today, THE STRANGERS.

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The Strangers

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman (Felicity) play a young couple who have come to town for a wedding and are staying at an isolated house Scott’s family owns. It’s a house with a long driveway and a lot of trees around, a place where people can get lost, he mentions. They’ve had a bad night and might be calling it quits with each other and then all the sudden, around 4 am, some girl knocks on the door asking for somebody they never heard of.

Out here? In the middle of nowhere? Where did she come from? Then Scott makes the mistake of going to buy cigarettes. While he’s gone the girl shows up again, and things start getting weirder. Basically this is the story of what happens when 3 people in Halloween masks show up at your house and try to get in, for unknown reasons.

I gotta admit man, the setup on this thing really pushes my creep-out buttons. The first half of this movie is the most genuinely scary new horror movie I’ve seen in a long time. Rural areas at night – hell, even suburbs – those places creep me out. Because nobody’s supposed to be around. If you see a stranger nearby then you know they’re up to no good.

Out in the city it’s not a problem. I got drunks stumbling around all the time, sirens going by, people laughing or yelling at each other, that’s normal at any time of night. Not a big deal. In the city I can walk around in the middle of the night and there’s not much to fear. You’re not alone, there’s always cars driving around and a few people out. They’re very polite and ask you if you “need anything.” Not that long ago a dude tried to sell me a porno VHS while I was waiting to cross a street. You generally assume people will leave you alone or won’t give you too hard of a time. If they do they’re probaly some schizo or something, they’ll back off if you ignore them. (more…)

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10/19/08

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

How ’bout some more spooky Halloween fun with Oliver Stone’s W.? Ooh, scaaaaaarrrry.

By the way, can you believe Mother’s Cookies went out of business? What the fuck? I know many or most of my readers are in different parts of the world and have no clue what I’m talking about, but this has been pretty much the main cookie company here since 1914. I think they sold a little less than Keebler and somebody else, but they were around longer and made many of the staples that I never thought I would outlive. And yes, I do blame Bush for this, he fucked things up so bad it’s not even profitable to make a product that has been a staple for 94 years. So pour some sprinkles on the curb for those pink and white Circus Animal cookies. R.I.P.

And now that we got the important part out of the way, I just want to suggest that if you haven’t you watch the video of Colin Powell endorsing Barack Obama. I’ve never been on the Colin Powell bandwagon but this video is incredible in this A.D.D. age. It’s 7 minutes straight of a man talking very thoughtfully and fairly about the strengths and weaknesses of the two candidates. And then when he starts talking about the campaign and what’s going on in our country he makes some points on topics I’ve been thinking about but that I haven’t seen anybody else bring up, specifically his comments about “small town values” and about American Muslims.

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W.

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

I can’t remember if I’ve brought this up before or not, but I fuckin hate Bush. Worst thing to happen to this country including our version of Godzilla looking like an iguana. I don’t think I’m the only one who’d rather not think about him unnecessarily. So when I heard Oliver Stone was already doing an all-star George W. Bush movie it seemed like a joke. It honestly sounded to me like a fictional movie they would refer to in some TV show like STUDIO 60 or one of those. A character would mention that they’re trying out for the part of so-and-so in Oliver Stone’s George Bush biography. And I would think come on, Oliver Stone would never make a movie like that.

I mean, there’s the whole too soon factor. Are we really ready for a more humanized portrait of the moronic shitbag sonofabitch who’s about to exit the White House leaving behind 2 (two) wars with no clear objectives, a Constitution that has been devalued by the government intentionally and openly violating it without any consequences, the people sorely divided for intentional political purposes, and (the cherry on top) the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression? Should we really give a shit what makes this asshole tick? Shouldn’t that be a fun hobby for historians to play many, many years from now when we’ve managed to get some of the mess cleaned up?

And also isn’t it gonna be goofy to see all these actors imitating current political figures?

And there’s a too late argument to be made too. If this is an expose shouldn’t it have come out in 2004? And is there really any new information? Or anybody who still needs convincing? (more…)

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Cujo

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

Everybody loves dog movies if the dog is named Air Bud or is a descentdant of Air Bud, and he plays basketball or football, or rides a skateboard or wears sunglasses. But what if the dog’s sport was hunting, and furthermore what if his prey was THE ULTIMATE PREY – MAN. Same prey that Predator chose, in other words. Not so adorable now, is it?

CUJO is another solid Stephen King picture with a high concept about people with marital difficulties being terrorized, but for once it is not a haunted object that terrorizes them, it is a dog haunted only by a viral zoonotic neuroinvasive disease that causes acute encephalitis in mammals. Cujo got his rabies from a bat (the unsung villain of this piece, if you ask me) so now he’s kind of confused and taking his car chasing duties a little too serious. So when the mom from E.T. and the kid from “Who’s the Boss?” get stranded in their car on his property it creates a conflict. There is a strong disagreement about whether or not the dog should be allowed inside the car, basically.

Dee Wallace’s character is married to Daniel-Hugh Kelly, but having an affair with Christopher Stone (the man who put the Stone in Dee Wallace Stone). She just broke off the affair, but also her husband just found out about the affair, so both of the men are pissed at her right now. And the Pinto needs repairs, so she brings it out to the mechanic who owns Cujo and who, it turns out, is not available (i.e. dead). So the car breaks down in the driveway and there’s nobody to help.

Cujo is named after the leader of the Symbionese Liberation Army, played by Ving Rhames in PATTY HEARST. But the dog does not share those radical views. He just likes chasing rabbits and, sometimes, people. Like Bruce Wayne he stumbles across a bat cave and it changes his life forever. But instead of channeling the experience into good Cujo just gets slimy and bites some people to death. (more…)

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