I saw a movie today, the good news it had Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh in it. The bad news is it was THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR.
Archive for 2008
12/12/08
Friday, December 12th, 2008
LikeThe Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Friday, December 12th, 2008PROLOGUE: Long ago, a brave warrior (Jet Li) and a graceful dancer turned actress (Michelle Yeoh) did the movie TAI CHI MASTER together. Then both went to Hollywood and did Lethal Weapon and James Bond and shit. But they had not forgotten each other. They were gonna star in CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON together. But Jet backed out for the incredibly classy reason that he had promised his wife to take the year off from movies and be with her while she was pregnant. Years later, they had another chance to do a movie together in Ronny Yu’s FEARLESS – but Michelle’s scenes got cut out of the theatrical version. So it was this last summer, 15 years later, that the two were finally reunited on the big screen. BUT IT WAS IN THE FUCKING MUMMY 3! How’s that for a Tales From the Crypt type twist ending?
Okay, I should get a couple disclaimers out of the way. First of all, mummies are not one of my favorite monsters. Off the top of my head the only mummy movie I can think of that I like is BUBBA HO-TEP, but that didn’t really need to be a mummy to be good. It just needed to be a slow moving monster so an elderly Elvis could be a fair match for it. If it was about a giant space slug or mutant sloth it could also be good if it had the same characterization of a sad, lonely Elvis Presley. The Universal MUMMY with Boris Karloff is a great monster at the beginning, then he disappears and it’s just Karloff in a fez for the rest of the movie. It’s no DRACULA, I’ll tell you that. And as you can see above I didn’t think the Hammer version was that great either.
As for the MUMMY that started this series, I hated the fuckin thing. I remember it as having no sense of build or rhythm at all, it was all clatter and mayhem and stupidity. In RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK they have scenes where he’s at school teaching, right? But when Stephen Sommers rips off RAIDERS he’s worried that your attention span is too short for a story to develop so in an early scene in a library the love interest character played by Rachel Weiss for no reason at all clutzily destroys the entire library Jar Jar style. I hated his style enough that I decided not to watch Sommers movies anymore, so I skipped out on part 2. I only watch non-Sommers spin-offs such as THE SCORPION KING (which was much more fun). (more…)
12/7/08
Sunday, December 7th, 2008Okay man, I got some real hard hitting reviews for you boys today. I got Ray Stevenson in the ultraviolent PUNISHER: WAR ZONE. I got Jean-Claude Van Damme in the very good underground fighting movie LIONHEART. And I got, um, well I’ve got Julie Andrews in, uh, in MARY POPPINS. Hahem.
Punisher: War Zone
Sunday, December 7th, 2008Punisher War Zone? More like Punisher BORE Zone!
Nah, that was not sincere punning. Actually I was not bored and in fact enjoyed this stupid movie. What I mean to say is “The Punisher? More like The FUNisher!” But you know how it is, people tend to prefer negativity to positivity. That’s why there’s three movies called THE PUNISHER and not a single one called THE REWARDER. So I went the extra mile, I gave you both types of puns. Merry Christmas.
The Punisher is a unique motion picture phenomenon. Not too many characters are in movies three times, with three different actors, three different directors, three different approaches. Not sequels or remakes, each one is a do-over. I can relate to this type of series because I myself am a unique motion picture phenomenon: I am the rare individual who sort of enjoyed all three versions of THE PUNISHER. That’s three more Punisher movies than most people are able to enjoy in their lifetime. In fact I would like to see them continue to remake THE PUNISHER every few years, every time with different actors, every time believing they totally fucked it up all the previous times but this time, this time they’ll get it right, I just know it! If they give up after this one, though, at least we got a trilogy.
The PUNISHER WAR ZONE Punisher is played by Ray Stevenson, who was apparently on that show ROME. He’s by far the scariest Punisher, he looks like he could smash his fist right into the center of your skull, which is in fact what he does to a mobster who looks like Lance Bass. This is a huge lumbering Punisher about two or three inches taller than Bigfoot and usually decked out in full combat gear including bulletproof vest that covers the neck and lower jaw. (Although occasionally he just wears a sweater.) This is a scary motherfucker but also the most comical of the Punishers because everything about him is so over the top that sometimes just looking at him made me laugh. Sometimes he kind of reminded me of Patrick Warburton who, come to think of it, should be considered for the fourth Punisher movie. I don’t know man, seeing a big monster like that so passionately dedicated to killing – and I mean REALLY fucking killing – is kind of funny to me. He’s a huge nerd for murdering everybody. (more…)
Lionheart
Sunday, December 7th, 2008LIONHEART is Van Damme circa 1991, and his best up to that point if you ask me, which by reading this you agree to do. As a matter of personal taste I think competitive fighting is one of the squarest action subgenres. You got less room for chase scenes and explosions, the rules and locales of the fights are too rigid. I mean nothing against a good pre-fight jitters locker room scene or a spooky ancient temple with torches and mystical snake statues, but I prefer a more urban style of action movie. One with crooks and creeps, alleys, fire escapes, car windshields.
LIONHEART is a smart compromise because it continues the competitive fighting of BLOODSPORT and KICKBOXER but in a cartoonish underground fighting circuit in New York and Los Angeles. This is another subgenre that gets old fast, usually because you get sick of looking at the same dimly lit arena with a fence or barbwire, maybe a strobelight. This one avoids that pitfall by having a new location and crowd for each fight: a circle of cars (with people rollerskating around), a swimming pool with all but the deep end drained (crowd in bikinis like it’s a pool party), inside somebody’s mansion (a black tie event) and (my favorite) a racquetball court. Brian Thompson is there but never fights. The real villain is Cynthia (could’ve sworn the credits just called her “The Lady,” but maybe I imagined that) the stereotypical L.A. rich bitch of the ’80s: short hair, expensive clothes, sexually and capitalistically aggressive.
The story begins with brother Francois set on fire during a weird West Side Story style drug deal. He survives, but burnt to a crisp, and cries out for his brother Lyon (Belgian actor Jean-Claude Van Damme). Lyon doesn’t get word for weeks because he’s in Djibouti doing forced labor for the French Foreign Legion. He escapes, stows away on a boat, gets money fighting in a parking garage, goes with his new self-proclaimed manager to L.A. to find his brother. Of course he gets there right after Francois dies. The widow blames Lyon for Francois’s drug problem so she won’t accept any help from him. So he does more fights and gets the money he wins to her, pretending it’s from some non-existent life insurance policy. (more…)
Mary Poppins
Sunday, December 7th, 2008You know how politicians are always saying lately that we don’t need to just worry about helping the people on Wall Street, we need to help the people on Main Street? Well one time I was at Disneyland, walking down Main Street when suddenly Mary Poppins rushed by with an entourage of kids trying to get her autograph. Not the real Mary Poppins, (because she is a fictional character in my opinion) and not Julie Andrews, but the Disneyland Mary Poppins. And I was surprised to find myself thinking you know what, Mary Poppins is kind of hot. Nobody wants to get to an age where you start to think a nanny from an old Disney movie is kind of hot, but it happens to the best of us.
And it was kind of like a door opened up there full of new possibilities, because then I realized actually back then Julie Andrews was kind of hot too, not just modern day Disneyland Mary Poppins. And she had those little hats and a talking umbrella and shit. I know alot of men are intimidated by women who are more capable than them, but I would not be against dating somebody who can fly and sit on a cloud. I don’t know what her capacity is for carrying other people and putting them on clouds and all that, I guess that would have to be addressed. But it’s pretty cool that she can do that. I would call that a point in her favor.
Well I apologize if this information shatters any illusions about what a hardcase I am, but recently I watched the movie Walt Disney’s Mary Poppins showing at a local theater. Long story. But that was kind of a revelation too because I never really gave it much thought before, but I realized this is a pretty fuckin good movie as far as that type of thing goes.
If you haven’t seen it before or don’t remember it too well, Andrews plays Mary Poppins, magical nanny riding carousel horses etc. (more…)
12/2/08
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008Tired of all those other generic based on a true story underdog football stories? Ready for one starring Ice Cube and directed by the prick from Limp Biscuit? Well good news friend, THE LONGSHOTS comes out on DVD today.
The Longshots
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008Limp Biscuit singer Fred Durst, who makes his directorial debut with THE LONGSHOTS, turns out to be a natural born director. I was surprised when I read somewhere that David Fincher was mentoring ol’ soul patch, bringing him on the set of ZODIAC and showing him the ropes. I think Durst almost took over for Fincher on LORDS OF DOGTOWN before Catherine Hardwicke did. There were a bunch of false starts but now that he’s finally made one it’s clear that the man has some serious directational chops, it seems he was born to direct movies. Let me be very clear, this is what Fred Durst was put on the planet for. This much is certain now.
Now that I’ve said that I’m just gonna talk about what the plot is and stuff, things that Fred Durst already knows, so if he is reading this he can stop now.
Ice Cube plays Curtis Plummer, the un-employed brother of the loser deadbeat dad of a shy, unpopular high school girl named Jasmine Plummer (Keke Palmer). Jasmine’s mom is worried about her so she pays Curtis five dollars an hour to hang out with Jasmine after school. Curtis makes no effort to make it fun, doesn’t even bother to make her dinner the first time. She doesn’t like him hanging around and tries to run away.
But then one day Curtis gets her to throw a football. Much to everyone’s surprise she Okay, do you think Fred Durst has left yet? I hope so. Okay guys, I apologize for lying to you. Fred Durst is not a great director. Not that he’s terrible or anything, but this is not a very good movie. But I think Fincher was on to something with this “teach Fred Durst how to direct” scheme. Movies take a long time to make, like about a year. And that’s only the ones that get made, some directors spend years on movies that never even start filming. Fincher knows that more than anybody. That’s why he knew that by tricking Fred Durst into thinking he was a movie director, the world would be spared his unique brand of backwards hat rap rock. The more time he’s concentrating on setting up shots the less time he’s jumping up and down screaming “YO! YO! YO!” while some assholes go wocka wocka wocka on their guitars. This is an important service to America’s airwaves. I’m sure Fincher probaly did it for selfish reasons – no way he could’ve finished BENJAMIN BUTTON if he had to worry about a new Limp Biscuit song playing on the radio – but to my mind he is still a hero. (more…)
12/1/08
Monday, December 1st, 2008Kickboxer
Monday, December 1st, 2008KICKBOXER is a much better version of BLOODSPORT. It’s another late ’80s/Cannon Films/Jean-Claude Van Damme/Belgian-American competing in dangerous Asian fighting competition movie. This one starts with Van Damme as Kurt Sloan, goofy kid brother sidekick to United States Kickboxing Champion of the World Eric “The Eliminator” Sloan, whose hair and mustache might have influenced Danny McBride’s look in THE FOOT FIST WAY, I’m guessing.
The Eliminator is the best… in the United States. But he’s arrogant and ignorant. When asked by a reporter about kickboxing’s origins in Thailand he asks Kurt to book him a flight to Taiwan (Kurt has to correct him and bring him to Bangkok). The Eliminator thinks taking on the Thai champion will be a piece of cake, or a bowl of sticky rice or whatever. But Kurt knows it’s trouble as soon as he sees the opponent, Tong Po. This guy is a crazy-eyed maniac with a braided ponytail down to his ass who practices by kicking a column in his dressing room, cracking it.
Kurt looks around and sees that this is totally different here. They fight different, using elbows and knees. But the Eliminator doesn’t think he even has to pay attention to where he is, because he’s THE BEST! That’s why this movie won me over quick, it has this subtext about this guy being sort of a tourist in the world of kickboxing, not respecting or understanding or even taking a quick glance at where it comes form. And just going into a foreign country this arrogant asshole not bothering to understand the culture, assuming he’s the best and not even doing any fuckin homework. I mean somebody clearly should’ve made Rumsfeld watch KICKBOXER in around 2001, could’ve saved us alot of trouble.
Kurt is the wiser one, he pays attention, but big brother won’t listen so he gets his ass whooped and can’t walk after an elbow to the spine. The crew at the arena don’t exactly give him VIP treatment. They carry him out on a stretcher, set him down in the street and lock the gate. (more…)
