Well, shit. I’ve had this review done, but I was letting it sit and simmer or something. Or being too lazy to send it in. But now poor Isaac Hayes has died, so I better address that. Black Moses isn’t shown on the cover or in the trailer for this upcoming Steven Seagal DTV event, and that’s fair because he’s barely in it. But Hayes does in fact appear in a few scenes as “Coroner.” Seagal’s homicide detective character is buddies with Isaac, so Isaac is pretty liberal with letting him check the dead bodies for clues. I call him Isaac because that appears to be his name – Seagal’s character refers to him as “Is” (or “Eyes”). My theory was that Hayes was playing himself and that this is what he’s been doing in Memphis since quitting that snot-nosed cartoon you guys are so fanatic about. But maybe not.
At the time I thought it was cool to see Isaac Hayes in a Seagal movie. He did so many types of B-movies, from TRUCK TURNER to UNCLE SAM, it was about time he showed up in a Seagal picture. But now it’s kind of sad because really he doesn’t do anything in the movie, it’s too bad they didn’t give him a better role. I hope Seagal at least got out the guitar on set and got Isaac to sing “Walk On By” or something.
Damn, tough weekend. Rest in peace Duke of New York, A-#1, Isaac Hayes. You too Bernie Mac, even though you’re not in KILL SWITCH (which is probaly for the best.)
* * *
As most of you know, I wrote this book about the films of Steven Seagal, now available in bookstores. If you haven’t read it, it’s pretty good. You know that stupid book about how powerful Chuck Norris’s beard is and how big his dick is and all that? My book is that book’s opposite. It will be there standing in the shadows when that book exhales its last breath, and it will not shed a tear. All the Chuck Norris book will see is a glimmer, and then it will be dead.
I only mention it because this is my first post-SEAGALOGY review of a Seagal movie, so I feel a little lost. I was working on that thing for five years. It became a big part of my life, waiting for the next movie to come out, writing up detailed notes, working up my first draft and writing a separate, less detailed Ain’t It Cool review. I’m sure some day years from now I’ll get to update the book and I’ll really study the new ones. But as of today I’m free! This is a historic day. I saw the new Seagal movie and I didn’t have to take notes!
According to the description on the screener, KILL SWITCH is about “Detective Jacob Stillwell” pursuing a serial killer “into the dark, depraved Memphis underworld of street sex and senseless violence.” I’m not sure what “street sex” is, and I don’t think it’s in this movie. Also, Seagal’s character is named Jacob King. And at least half of the senseless violence is committed by King himself.
But it is true that Seagal plays a Memphis homicide detective, and that means he attempts to do an accent for the whole movie. As you know if you’ve seen OUT FOR JUSTICE that’s not enough to destroy a movie, but I have to admit it makes his performance laughable and cartoonish. I wish he was wearing a Kentucky colonel outfit, that would be pretty cool. Seagal is in a bluesman phase, so he likes to mix in some Southern idioms and some ebonics. He repeatedly calls people “baby”, “brotha” or “potna,” and enjoys the phrases “right quick,” “sho nuff” and especially “Lahd have mercy.”
The plot finds King hunting not one but two serial killers (take that, S7V&N [or whatever the official nerd typing of the movie SEVEN is]). One killer he’s already caught, but he got set free due to a minor technicality involving a certain aikido practicing homicide detective breaking into his apartment, beating the shit out of him and throwing him out a window. The other one uses a secret code of carving zodiac symbols into his victims (very imaginative) and King eventually tracks him down. I don’t know why exactly but the GLIMMER MAN rule still applies here – for some reason it’s more fun to watch an action movie where the bad guy is a drug dealer, a terrorist, a kidnapper or a gangster than some pervert who likes to cut people up. Maybe they just need more over-the-top actors, I don’t know. Maybe if it was John Lithgow or somebody it would be fun, but instead they just got some dipshit with frosted blond hair and a hoodie who tries to act spooky. The character turns out to be a lyricist for a shitty local band that’s really into the zodiac.Yeah, I just convinced myself, if that was Lithgow it would work. Give him an earring and a sleeveless vest, it would be awesome.
Seagal’s character has a young girlfriend who’s also a cop, but he rejects her advances because he’s obsessed with his work. He also has a female FBI agent following him around and he laughs at her because she throws up at a crime scene.
One of the things that turned Seagal into a star was the extra brutality of his fights. He expressed his deep respect for the audience with a sound collage of broken bones and anguished screams often peppered with phrases such as “My balls! My balls!” or “My leg! You took my leg!” That’s why many Seagalogists will be happy to see that in one scene Seagal has taken his brutality to a squirm inducing new level – he actually makes a guy bite the edge of a bar and then hits him in the back of the head a bunch of times, breaking the guy’s teeth out. (And yes, the guy does announce [with surprisingly good enunciation] that Seagal broke his teeth.)
I have to admit that for the first time ever in a Seagal movie that might’ve been a little too much for me. This is just some dude in a bar, his only crime is that he doesn’t want to answer a cop’s questions. It’s a pretty harsh way to deal with that whole “stop snitching” thing. The last time I saw a guy curbed in a movie it was performed by Edward Norton as a Nazi skinhead in AMERICAN HISTORY X. So seeing a redneck cop do it to a black man brings bad associations. I’m not inclined to side with the cop. The blonde waitress does, though. She smiles like it was cute and says, “You’re one tough cop!”
Seagal gets sole screenwriting credit, and while it’s not a very good story it does have a few memorable touches and variations on the usual Seagalogical scenarios. For the first time he has flashbacks not to some important experience in his career but to his childhood: he had a twin brother whose throat was slashed during a game of hide and seek. During their birthday party, no less. The flashbacks keep showing the killer’s face, so you assume King will run into this guy, but it never happens. Instead the backstory is there to show why King is so driven to beat the shit out of suspects. They played rock paper scissors to decide who went into the woods. It was completely by chance that he was the surviving twin. If only he had chosen paper it would’ve been him with his throat slashed. (Or he would’ve done aikido on the guy.) The working title for the movie was A HIGHER FORM OF LEARNING. I’m not sure what that means. I think it should be called ROCKED FOR DEATH or THE TWIN WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE CHOSEN SCISSORS.
Anyway, I was gonna list some of the memorable touches. One of the killers beats a woman to death with a baby doll. That’s kind of a missed opportunity though because with a minor tweak of sound design he could’ve been beating her with a live baby. There’s a weird tangent where King’s potna tells a story about catching a cannibal in the act of eating a clown, and you may see the punchline coming but at least this storytelling gag is a new trick in the Seagal playbook. Another weird thing about the movie that’s probaly not intentional is that it repeatedly shows violence being ineffective. When he breaks that guy’s teeth out the only information he gets is useless, and then it leads to a huge shootout to avenge the broken teeth. When the female FBI agent interferes in a domestic situation she kicks the abusive boyfriend’s ass and all it does is make the girlfriend run to his side. When King beats the shit out of a killer in order to learn which wire to cut on the bomb implanted in a woman’s chest (long story) he finally gets an answer, but he’s smart enough to know it’s not the correct answer. (Maybe Seagal saw TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE.) In the end his girlfriend is dead, the smiling waitress is dead, and for all we know the serial killer he left alive will be let loose just like the other one was. King says he has “unconventional methods” and what that means is he happened to find a ball peen hammer on the floor and use it to break every bone in the guy’s body. (The arm is apparently the worst, since the guy yells “Mah arm, you fucker! My arm!”)
But definitely the highlight is the crazy ass ending.
remember when they used to do spoiler warnings? I’m bringing that back.
After beating the one killer nearly to death and the other one actually to death, King leaves behind a letter to his partner and disappears. We hear the letter in a voiceover as the partner smiles, and it dissolves to a shot of Seagal wearing a black and white cowboy outfit, riding off into the sunset on a zebra.
That’s not true, that was a decoy, it was still part of the spoiler warning.
Seriously though. Okay, it’s not as crazy as that, but the ending threw me for a loop. After the story is seemingly wrapped up we see King driving up to a house covered in plants. He goes to the door where a woman, two kids and a nanny are thrilled to see him. “Papa! Papa!” the kids say and he gives them presents. The blonde lady dances seductively into the bedroom, takes off her dress, puts a ribbon on herself and he follows her in and closes the door. The end.
You probaly had to be there, but in the context of the movie this is crazy. Until this point we’ve only seen him in Memphis. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? He has a backup family squirreled away for emergencies? I’ve talked to a couple people who’ve seen the movie and haven’t heard any theories, but after watching it twice and meditating on it for a while I decided maybe he’s living a double life because of his dead twin. For all we know he tells this family that he’s Daniel King. (If not Jacob Stillwell.) He lives the grim life of a Memphis homicide detective, but allows his twin to live on in a fancy garden house with two kids and a nanny. That’s the Kill Switch. His brother gets killed so he switches with him. He switches between family life and killing killers. See? Kill Switch. I don’t know.
Anyway there’s enough weird shit that this one’s not a total write-off. But after two really high quality Seagal DTV pictures (URBAN JUSTICE and PISTOL WHIPPED) it’s a big let down. And the biggest problem is in the most important area: the action.
Seagal’s been making movies for 20 years now, and the action genre has changed. There are many differences in audience taste and expectations that have affected the genre, but to me the biggest and most painful issue is that directors and editors generally are not interested in and/or capable of staging coherent action scenes. Greengrass and Nolan may have found ways to make shaky, confusing action scenes that work, but they’re the exception to the rule. It used to be that fights and chases were carefully designed to pull you in and make you feel like you’re hanging off the back of the car trying not to fall off. Now they try to make you feel like you’re a basketball in the trunk of the car driving 60 mph on a cobblestone road. It’s all shaking and blurring and spinning you around in circles blindfolded only to find that you are not holding the bat, you are in fact the pinata for Michael Bay and his followers to take a whack at.
Action-wise Seagal movies have stayed pretty traditional and have turned sideways to this plague (an aikido move to avoid being hit straight-on). Until now. There are several fight scenes, most of them long and brutal, but they’re ruined by some of the worst fight scene editing I’ve ever seen. Early on, when he kicks a serial killer through a window, it literally shows the guy going through the window ten or eleven times (I don’t have to know the exact number, because I’m done with the book), sometimes switching angles but not always, and all in rapid succession, so it’s not like it gives you a better look at it. While Seagal’s hitting people they just randomly take a bunch of frames out of the middle of some shots, other shots they re-use a bunch of times in a row. A guy’s head goes through a cigarette machine three times, a guy flies into a table four times, then a different table three times.
I have learned that Seagal by contract does his own cut of a movie, and delivered something more straightforward. I am told that the stunt people did good work and there was nothing to hide. But for whatever reason somebody thought it would make it more exciting to pull this shit. Even compared to Michael Bay’s editing it seems drastic. I am not exaggerating to say that it seems like somebody accidentally put their elbow on the keyboard and fucked up the files and then just left it that way. Or hired a baby to drool and crawl around on the keyboard to create a new experimental form of storytelling. And I am not against babies but for God’s sake let’s have competent adults edit all Seagal movies from this point forward. Babies shouldn’t be watching a violent movie like this anyway. What does a baby know about getting curbed – he doesn’t even have teeth.
In my opinion KILL SWITCH is one step back after the two steps forward of URBAN JUSTICE and PISTOL WHIPPED. It really looked like he was on a roll there. Hopefully this is just one little stumble and not any indication of the direction his movies are headed. But right now I can’t really predict where it’s gonna go because I have to tell you, friends, I received a tip that Seagal’s career and public persona may be about to go in a surprising new direction.
I have received reliable information that Seagal has already filmed episodes of a reality television show. Luckily it’s not some wacky Osbournes or Hulk Hogan type of family shenanigans, it is a crazy premise that involves Seagal doing some of that mysterious tough guy shit that he claimed to do and nobody (even me) totally believed him. (If you have Seagalogy there’s a part in one of the appendixes in the back where I mention what I consider a “questionable” claim on a talk show appearance – well, this show may make me eat my words.)
Based on the small amount I’ve heard of this show it sounds like some crazy shit and I’m dying to see it. On the other hand, I’m worried about Seagal going down the reality TV path. I mean jeez, I finally convinced a couple of people that his body of work is worth examining seriously. It’ll be a shame if this show turns him into a joke or a freak show like Flavor Flav. I’m no fan of this pop culture cycle we have now where they pump somebody up into a celebrity, then stab them in the back, leave them to rot for many years and then dig them up again and tell them it would be cool for them to be in on the joke so then they show up again and everybody laughs. Fuck that ironic shit. This show sounds like it’s intended more in a “DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER” minus the racism type of vein, but we’ll see if and how it turns out.
KILL SWITCH comes out October 7th. Up next is one currently called RUSLAN, from the same director as KILL SWITCH. In that he plays a Russian gangster turned crime novelist. I’m sure it’s mostly about him struggling with writer’s block, falling in love, ultimately finding inspiration in an unlikely place, and then winning a book award. Still no word on PRINCE OF PISTOLS, though.
Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/37901
View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:10 a.m. CST
more than 3
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:26 a.m. CST
Vern is my Digital Messiah
That is all.
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:33 a.m. CST
Seagal is still embargo-free, since ’93.
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:35 a.m. CST
Doe he still fight in sped up mode
i used to love segal, his early films rocked and were the sole reason i took up aikido/ninjitsu but his later stuff the action seemed to be sped up and looked quite frankly hilarious, then he went all fecking mystical or some shit.. is this a return to form?
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:42 a.m. CST
I laughed so hard about the zebra ending
I would seriously buy this movie for everyone I know if that had really happened. Maybe someday…
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:57 a.m. CST
yo vern, street sex is like bench sex
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:58 a.m. CST
that “snot nosed cartoon”…
is funnier than Vern, and has more artistic merit. Vern is a fake Joe Bob Briggs!
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:10 a.m. CST
When did Greengrass make his actionscenes work?
Yes, the last Bourne movie won an Oscar for editing and stuff, but it was in the same year when the fantasymovie with the polarbear from the Coke commercial won the F/X Oscar against Pirates 3 and Transformers.
I never really had a problem with not-longer-than-one-frame-editing and shaky and blurry camerawork. I’m not one of these guys who think that it looks cooler than an old school actionscene, but even Michael Bays most gimmicky movies never let me back confused about what’s going on on screen. But Bourne 3 made me seriously aggressive, because of all these quick cuts and the shaky cam! I survived Cloverfield in theatre without getting remotely sick, but Bourne on DVD almost made throw up! (Not kidding!)
This been said: Great review Vern, as always.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:11 a.m. CST
P.S.: I totally bought the Zebra ending!
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:14 a.m. CST
good dtv ending
they ran out of money or time, and went with that.
seagal would be amazing to watch, he actually has some cool stuff to talk about.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:52 a.m. CST
I’m going to make you place your teeth on a bar and slam my elbow into the back of your head 2 or 6 times. Or some other example of rampant fanboyism.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:55 a.m. CST
If you take offense at the things Vern says about geek culture, you might as well give it up, so far as reading internet critics. You seem like the type to get angry when he mentions that “the nerds” love certain movies. South Park’s great, some of the time, anyway, but I personally thought Vern’s line about it was pretty funny. Don’t be so doomsday.
Aug. 12, 2008, 5:08 a.m. CST
Geez, I hope this isn’t too insulting to possibly my favourite actor, but unless he’s booked out in theatres for the next 18 months or something he doesn’t appear to be too busy. A villain in a Seagal movie? Why not? Heck, I’d buy it first time I saw it on the shelves. I don’t think makig DTV films is as shameful as it used to be and, heck, he was the star of a sitcom for half a decade. His character in Ricochet is *still* one of the all time best villains IMO.
BTW there was a Top 10 villains list recently without Scorpio. That’s bullshit.
Aug. 12, 2008, 5:14 a.m. CST
MASTER YOUR ASS!
Aug. 12, 2008, 5:27 a.m. CST
Great review Vern.
Aug. 12, 2008, 5:28 a.m. CST
The Mystic Cowboy
needs to ride a zebra
and Vern I buy your theory on the twin/duel lives thing
Aug. 12, 2008, 6:48 a.m. CST
Vern, have you seen Van Damme’s AWOL?
That’s the worst fight editing ever. Every single punch and kick is quickly replayed 5 times, from the same camera angle. Maybe they were trying to make it look like 5 punches, but really it looks like the movie has a stutter.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:12 a.m. CST
this is out on my birthday?!
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:15 a.m. CST
It’s as if Vern can read minds. As he wrote of breaking that dudes teeth out, I too had images of Norton dancing in my head. Or maybe Faruiza Balk. Either way, he nailed it. I saw this screener too, and thought while better than the Segal of yesterday, it’s still no updated twist on the 80’s/ 90’s action flicks. Want my ULTIMATE Segal that SHOULD have been ? Check out Liam Neeson in TAKEN . It’s the role Segal SHOULD be doing, and it’s better suited for him than this DTV release.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:19 a.m. CST
we need a Lars Von Tier action movie
by Spandau Belly
That guy knows his shakey cam and he puts some pretty wacky touches on things. I mean, Bjork could show up as a ninja and he could do a car chase Dogville style on an empty stage with actors pretending to be doing all sorts of Ronin stuff but just sitting on stools. Put Seagal in there and you’ve got a winner in my opinion. And I could actually see Von Tier doing it.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:23 a.m. CST
I had a movie idea back in the 90s called Kill Switch
Protagonist accidentally kills someone when the about-to-be-dead man runs a red light. His life spirals downward (grows increasingly despondent and violent). And then his roommate kills him — because he thought the gun was empty. Turns out a girl involved wanted the main character to kill the roommate, but things didn’t go the way she planned. Can’t remember the ultimate resolution, but I think she gets killed by the roommate as well in retribution.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:31 a.m. CST
Pacman – Concerningn Lithgow…
by Laughing Irishman
I think Lithgows performance in Santa Claus: The Movie was a much more villainous role. I mean come on, the man tried to take over the world with PUCE!!!
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:32 a.m. CST
Pacman – Concerningn Lithgow…
by Laughing Irishman
I think Lithgows performance in Santa Claus: The Movie was a much more villainous role. I mean come on, the man tried to take over the world with PUCE!!!
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:40 a.m. CST
“We’ll call it… Christmas 2!!!”
Aug. 12, 2008, 8:03 a.m. CST
The editor of this film needs to be FIRED from the Book of Life
by Stuntcock Mike
What the Hell was with the ending? Secret Italian family?! After Pistol Whipped and Urban Justice, I expected better. Still, hopefully he’ll step it up on the next one. And Vern, your book is great. Quite enjoyed watching The Path Beyond Thought.
Aug. 12, 2008, 8:08 a.m. CST
His teeth are back and pearly white by the time he gets shot in
by Stuntcock Mike
And where was the Aikido? Where was the fun? 5 minute fights of him/his double punching a guy in the chops and then throwing him against the wall. C’mon.
Aug. 12, 2008, 8:10 a.m. CST
Zino: AWOL, AKA – ‘Lionheart’ Rworks
Sure, the hits / kicks are repeated 5 times but in that movie it works.
Aug. 12, 2008, 8:21 a.m. CST
that’s a little redundant, eh?
Aug. 12, 2008, 8:38 a.m. CST
Yes I should have made that clear – AWOL does rock. I love the part where he fights a guy in a kilt in an empty swimming pool.
Aug. 12, 2008, 9:21 a.m. CST
Just a note:
by Dollar Bird
“What does a baby know about getting curbed — he doesn’t even have teeth.” Brilliant.
Aug. 12, 2008, 9:25 a.m. CST
Snot nosed review
Vern, you’re not, by god, a $cientologist by any chance? Please let it be no. Isaac Hayes was a hypocrite, happy to be involved in a program that knocked Catholics, Jews, Mormons and Gays, but not happy when it knocked his own shitcake of an excuse of a religion. I feel no sorrow at his demise.
Aug. 12, 2008, 9:25 a.m. CST
no it wasn’t and Vern fucking rules
Vern fucking? I’m sure he does.
Aug. 12, 2008, 9:59 a.m. CST
What makes Seagal Films Boring….
Is that he totally outclasses everyone he fights. He’s NEVER in any danger. OK, so you know James Bond is probably going to beat Oddjob, but you can’t see how until the punch line. In a Seagal film, you can always take it for granted that old squinty will win.
Aug. 12, 2008, 10:04 a.m. CST
let’s start a petition for the zebra ending
by Bouncy X
1) Bouncy X
Aug. 12, 2008, 10:48 a.m. CST
Spoiler warning in a Steven Seagal flick. That’s a first.
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:02 a.m. CST
The Mystic Cowboy [segal] riding a zebra!
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:04 a.m. CST
2) ironic name
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:06 a.m. CST
“Lahd have mercy.”
Seagal has dome range if he’s playing an elderly black woman.
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:07 a.m. CST
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:23 a.m. CST
“sit and simmer” is the new AICN catchphrase
it means “embargo”
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST
Very funny stuff…and I don’t even like Seagal
But the way this review was written, I may just have to rent the dvd so I can see what insanity Vern is talking about…between imagining some guy saying “Oo oke eye EEF!” and being beaten to death with a live baby from eleven different angles…well, hell: what rational film lover would NOT want to see Kill Switch?
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:35 a.m. CST
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:49 a.m. CST
Hey Vern, Nolan shoots terrible action
by Bass Bastardson
I liked the Dark Knight a lot – although not as much as some – but I have to say it: Nolan still shoots a godawful fight scene. I thought he might have learned after everyone bashed the action scenes in Begins but no, TDK is just as bad in the fighting department. Nothing but murky medium two-shots, so boring and ugly.
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:53 a.m. CST
I’ve been waiting on Prince of Pistols for two years
by #1 Zero
that is all.
Aug. 12, 2008, 11:56 a.m. CST
AHHH MY XYPHOID PROCESS!!!!!!
I also went for the Zebra ending…
Aug. 12, 2008, 12:33 p.m. CST
Speaking of Seagalogy, Vern…
Where’s my copy? I was one of the runner ups in your contest and have been quivering with anticipation every time the mailman arrives hoping that today will finally be the day when Seagalogy will arrive and I will be able to behold the awesome wonders contained within its pages. Alas, it never shows up. Is this because I made Chuck Norris jokes? I bet it is. Please forgive me, Vern. Don’t hurt me anymore because of it.
Aug. 12, 2008, 12:44 p.m. CST
So no embargo then?
by brock landers baby
Aug. 12, 2008, 1:20 p.m. CST
THEREALHAROLD: Hey, I’ve learned not to mention anything bad about that cartoon because you guys go fuckin nuts and I can’t take your whining. But be fair, “snot nosed” is an accurate description of the attitude of the cartoon. I was trying not to start any controversy there bud.
DER LANGH: I’m not the biggest fan of the Bourne movies, but some of those foot and car chases are very intense and for the most part I can follow what’s going on, which (for me) is not the case with most Bay movies.
PACMAN: I re-watched RICOCHET recently and that’s exactly why Lithgow was on my brain. He’s great in that! I also love him in RAISING CAIN.
ZINO: No, I haven’t seen that one. I’ll be wary when I do.
FOTOG: TAKEN sounds great, especially with Liam Neeson being the asskicker. I can’t wait. Hope I’m not disappointed.
SPANDAU: I would watch that. I’m still waiting for Harmony Korine’s M:I 4 though.
CUNTBUBBLE: I’m afraid to even answer your question because I hate these fuckin South Park arguments. I get it, you guys love it, don’t go zealot on me just because I think those two are pricks. No I’m not a Scientologist and I never met one in my life so I don’t really relate to people’s obsession with them. But I figure if you were Isaac Hayes and you believed in that OF COURSE you gotta quit after they made that episode otherwise you’re not true to yourself. Then I guess they went and made an episode rubbing it in… fuck that. Their argument is that he’s a hypocrite but it comes off as “you should’ve never worked with us in the first place” – fine, he didn’t make that mistake again. Lesson learned.
Just as The Real Harold up there thinks I don’t stack up to the accomplishments of that cartoon, I think those two brats are pissants compared to Isaac Fucking Hayes both as an artist and as a human being, since he actually tried to improve the world instead of just drive by in a car mooning it. Not to mention in his interviews and appearances in the last couple years it was clear that something was not right with him.
Since you brought it up no, I’m not cool with those guys pissing on an unhealthy old man who happens to be a legend and supposedly their friend. You feel no sorrow at his demise because you don’t like his religion? That speaks for itself, you don’t even need to be called Cuntbubble.
COOKY: Not true, there was one part in OUT OF REACH where a guy punched him real hard in the stomach and he got queasy.
ZEKE: Don’t get too excited, he sounds like he has teeth in when he says that he broke his teeth.
BASS: I know what you mean but I also think the fight scenes work better than in the first one. And to be fair he’s great at shooting car chases.
GREATYODA: Email me (outlawvern at hotmail dot com) so I can get your information and I will forward it to Titan Books.
Aug. 12, 2008, 1:45 p.m. CST
Seen it and I agree with you. SPOLIER ALERT!!
by Alex Trevelyan
I was shocked at the editing. It actually hurt watching it. I’ve never seen something so bad. I was going to turn it off. The fight in the bar before the teeth smashing was far far too long. I’ve never seen somebody punched so much without registering the out come either thru bruising, bleeding, disorientation, hobbling etc. It makes all the puching redundant. The guy just kept on coming back for more and more until the editor moved on with the story. This is hands down a step back for Seagal. The ending was remarkable, absolutely out of the blue, but clear I think. They establish that leafy green suburbia at the start at the brothers birthday party.
Aug. 12, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST
You know, i really think the episode concerning Chef and his demise isn’t that bad. I think it was actually really heartfelt. By the end, they readily forgot all the shit in favour of remembering the good times. Seems pretty sincere to me.
Sure, they dissed his ridicules beliefs and slighted his decisions, but have you never done that to a sibling or a friend in hopes of dissuading them from choices that are really pretty fucking stupid, and possibly even harmful? Why is criticism of one you care for automatically interpreted as some petty insult?
Aug. 12, 2008, 2:15 p.m. CST
I also dug that movie when I watched it recently, hated it the first time I saw it because I expected a thriller rather than a mindfuck or whatever but never mind. Though I have to admit Davidovich is pretty shocking in that movie. Anyway, to steer this vaguely on topic, I bought Seagalogy in a shop in the UK last week. Never thought I’d see the day!
Aug. 12, 2008, 2:29 p.m. CST
I bore witness this as a screener….
by JERRY HORROR
Yep, I bought this off a street corner at the bar where I work. Vern, we need to talk about Seagal’s “hood” appeal. Every Goddamn bootlegger has Seagal flicks. Seagal is the Michael Meyers of the urban community.
Which I for one love. I’ve been scoring his DTV stuff for years off the street. I think Seagal has some shady mixtape like deal with a “street broker”, to leak his own films! I mean, you never know.
At this point the Seagal DTV has become routine and drab. Yet I look forward to it with shameless glee.
The back of my bootleg from Fred the small asian man, featured artwork from “Half Past Dead” (promo still standing next to Ja Rule, I was like WTF?! THEY TEAMED THESE TWO AGAIN!)and “Executive Decision. That being said, I was scared. All in all though, I love the brutality. It’s cringe worthy and excessive! It sums up the era Steven Seagal first appeared from. It’s Kelly Lebrock’s teased up hair from “Weird Science”: tasteless, sexy and outdated.
We whom love Seagal, for all his flaws, even though I feel like a jilted lover, have come to accept and expect his career choices in celluloid. We are in for the long haul here kids, the long haul.
Whether he cuts an album with a title involving crystal caves (very trippy) or teams with Naughty by Nature’s front man Treach in a horrible, horrible film. We the fans will be behind him because we love too much and are too stupid not to jump on the Antonio Sabato jr. action star bandwagon (LOL).
Too bad though. Seagal could have backed up Isaac Hayes for a quick jam on the end credits. That would have been even better than zebra riding.
Rest in Peace Isaac Hayes and thank you.
Aug. 12, 2008, 2:49 p.m. CST
to Alex and Cons
ALEX: I didn’t catch that. Are you saying the end is in his childhood home? Could you be more specific – what is your interpretation? I really want to know.
CONS: Fair enough, I haven’t seen that episode I was just going on what people say about it. So if they are nice to him at the end that sounds good. thanks
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:04 p.m. CST
well said Jerry
What do you think the reason is? I know Seagal has gone after that by co-starring with Nas, DMX, Ja Rule and Treach, and by doing Urban Justice. But most of those aren’t his most popular movies so it doesn’t seem like he even needed to expend the effort. He still gets referenced in hip hop… that guy Lupe Fiasco even has a MARKED FOR DEATH reference on his first album somewhere.
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:09 p.m. CST
Great review, Vern
Definitely gonna have to watch this when it comes out.
Aug. 12, 2008, 3:34 p.m. CST
Art of War II
We gonna see a review of this, Vern? Does Wesley Snipes still got it, or is he trying to ice-skate uphill?
Aug. 12, 2008, 4 p.m. CST
Vern wrote a book? How did I miss that?
Because I didn’t. At least you’re not as bad as what’s his nuts who tries to sell DVD’s from Amazon. How many copies have you sold, Vern? Are there a few pages online?
Aug. 12, 2008, 4 p.m. CST
by Alex Trevelyan
Love Seagal. Watch all his stuff. My theory. I’ll rewatch it to see but the house could be the same one. Guessing at the moment. Not to important.
What I was really getting at was at the beginning of the film the boys party is clearly in their home. Middle or upper middle class house with a large amount of land. All the kids very well dressed etc. All their daddy’s are professionals.
So at the end when he returns to that life. Its the same visual vocabuary thats been already established. Its the life he was destined to lead had the murder of his brother not occurred. I’ve no doubt also by returning to this life the director is making it crystal clear he’s a Batman. Leading to lives. The family haven’t clue who he really is thus the presents which suggest he was away on a “business trip” of some merit. If the wife knew who he real was she, and the kids, would have left him. Not to mention she’d be on the bottle and look haggered from all the worry etc. Typical cop who is divorced etc like John McClane.
Thats my humble interpetation. Also Seagals’ stun double was terrible. 40 pounds lighter and 10-15 years his junior. I laughed at the intercutting of the two.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:22 p.m. CST
Also may I add…
by Alex Trevelyan
This sounds crazy but I mean it and believe there is a contemporary Unforgiven in Seagal if he was given the right script and director.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:29 p.m. CST
shakeycam is the devil’s work
it is not cooler than old school action where the action itself is the strength of the scene, instead of artificially creating it through editing and nauseating camera movements like someone threw it in a washing machine. greengrass and nolan’s action should only be seen as a joke to be laughed at. seriously i was watching bourne ultimatum and theres a scene of two people sitting at a diner and the camera is still shaking.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:29 p.m. CST
Agree with everything
I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago too, and I was just really put off by the fight sequences, it just felt like they dragged on and on without substance.
And what about the chase scene in the basement of that building. Wouldn’t all that steam burn?
And the ending… OMFG, Vern I can’t believe you didn’t bring up the fact that Seagal fully bear hugged the hot blonde (ps she is really hot). I almost felt like Seagal wanted to turn to the camera and wink at us… it was just so creepy and out of left field. I didn’t think about the twin switch aspect but what you stated makes a whole lot of sense now.
Aug. 12, 2008, 4:34 p.m. CST
Vern, great review.
by Munro Kelly
Aug. 12, 2008, 5:26 p.m. CST
You had me at Seagal . . .
you had me again at zebra. Although I think he might break a zebra in half if he tried to sit on it. They’re not that big . . .
Aug. 12, 2008, 5:49 p.m. CST
MODE 7: I usually just review a mainstream one here if I see it at an early screening (like TROPIC THUNDER). But usually I don’t.
JUSTABOX: I reviewed ART OF WAR II a while back. Not that great but has its moments.
HECKLES: If you’re not being sarcastic about if there are pages online do a google search on the title, there were sample chapters on USA Today, MTV and I forget where else, one other place I think.
ALEX: Very good points, I am convinced. That’s a pretty cool ending when you look at it that way.
Aug. 12, 2008, 6:14 p.m. CST
About how powerful Chuck Norris’s beard is
That’s no joke, the dude’s beard is quite powerful.
Aug. 12, 2008, 6:20 p.m. CST
The clown tasted funny!!
Great review as always Vern. You’re a fun read.
Aug. 12, 2008, 6:22 p.m. CST
Wasn’t being sarcastic, Vern
I am interested, no bullshit. Wanted to check a chapter first, see if I want to buy it. Hope it’s doing well for you. Still trying to get a manuscript published myself, so I give you props.
Aug. 12, 2008, 6:30 p.m. CST
by Alex Trevelyan
Thank you Vern. I think thats why the the scene went on so long at the end. The beats were quite long especially so when his wife was seducing him at the end in the bed room. regardless I think it could have been communicated, directed and written better, to make the ending more statisfing and not so jolting. It seems out of place at first.
Aug. 12, 2008, 6:33 p.m. CST
What I meant was…
by Alex Trevelyan
Sorry. the beats were so long to make you stop and think. process what was going on as opposed to quick cutting or a quicker scene which would be simply bizarre as you wouldn’t have the time to process what was happening. Thus lead to utter confusion.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:12 p.m. CST
Uncle Sam sucked balls but I
by Grammaton Cleric Binks
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:13 p.m. CST
‘m just as dumb for having
by Grammaton Cleric Binks
watched the whole thing.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:23 p.m. CST
by Alex Trevelyan
Is it possible to email you privately? Or could you email me your address by going into the admin and checking my details? My name is not really Alex Trevelyan to start with. Cheers S.
Aug. 12, 2008, 7:41 p.m. CST
Rock on, Vern. That’s all I got.
Aug. 12, 2008, 9:18 p.m. CST
TAKEN is where its at
Just saw it tonight. Kind of cheesy in parts, doesn’t really do well with the “family drama” in the beginning, but once the ass kicking starts it really doesn’t ever stop. And action scenes that don’t rely on shaky cams, and you can tell whats going on AND it is effective! Imagine that!
Aug. 12, 2008, 9:21 p.m. CST
This has been out on torrent for a while
Aug. 12, 2008, 10:45 p.m. CST
Vern, about your Dog the Bounty Hunter quip…
“Without the racism” vein?
Have you ever seen Dog the Bounty Hunter? I know you are referring to the ugly incident regarding the taped phone message with Dog saying the “n” word, but if you knew anything about the show you wouldn’t have inserted that.
Dog’s show is inspiring. He’s done a hell of a lot for the Hawaiian community. He helps people in need… after he catches them. And he’s one of the most successful bounty hunters in history… ALL WITHOUT USING ANY FIREARMS.
Now the “n” word is a word I hate. I loathe it. But the phone conversation in question was taken out of context, and while it’s bad to say that word, the general “holier than thou” public doesn’t understand that the “n” word is used in the urban environment by both blacks and whites in a much different way. Dog was referring to this girl his son was dating, who he says was basically slime and wanted to do nothing but exploit the family and his son. The “n” word comment is a slang term used primarily to depict a low life criminal, up to no good. I don’t agree with the use of it. Dog apologized and said he’d never use it again. But people need to understand that he wasn’t using it in the form of a racial hate term because of color. Again, I still don’t agree with the use of it. I don’t agree with the black community using it… it’s hypocritical for them to do so. But released out of context and without the understanding of its usage at that time, people pegged him as a closet racist. Anyone that has seen the show or met the Dog family know that this isn’t so. He’s helped people of all colors. Addicts. Dealers. Whoever. He’s no saint, none of us are, but he’s done so much good and inspired so many addicts and criminals to straighten their lives out. On top of that, he’s put away some bad asses… helping the communities in both Hawaii and Denver.
Aug. 12, 2008, 10:54 p.m. CST
On another note, about Seagal…
Loved the dude in the 90s. I practiced Aikido for a number of years and look up to him as a martial artist. Unlike Van Damme, Seagal was legit. The first westerner to open a Dojo in Japan.
Regarding his movies… they haven’t been the same since the 90s. His earlier movies were great because the fight sequences were showcased in one shot usually, displaying his grace and brutal force. Now, his films rely on the quick cuts you mentioned. I don’t know if it’s because he’s gained weight or what, but Seagal needs to get back to those shots where everything is one master shot for the most part when the fighting begins.
I’d like to see him tackle a story that is centered on martial arts alone… namely Aikido. Perhaps something that has a shade of his real life as one of the top master’s in the world. Maybe something showcasing him being a westerner Aikido master in Japan… being pressured by the local martial arts masters. THAT would be a great story for him. But Sensei, if you’re reading this, get back to those master shots of your fight sequences. That’s what made you a star.
Aug. 13, 2008, 12:31 a.m. CST
vern – what do you think of WARSAW SYMPHONY?
Aug. 13, 2008, 2:10 a.m. CST
That’s kind of an apocryphal story. By all accounts “Judo” Gene Lebell handed Seagal his arse after he was being a bit rough with his stuntmen:
(from some martial arts board)
The Judo Gene/Seagal story is awesome. I have heard several versions.
Anyone want to comment on which one is accurate?
I heard it from two totally different sources, both people being members of the Hollywood stuntman community. Both stories are basically the same.
Seagal was allegedly trashing (physically) his stuntmen, hitting them hard, throwing them hard, and hurting them. LeBell, who was a past president of the guild, went to Seagal and called him on it. Words were exchanged, and Seagal opened the festivities by kicking Gene in the groin.
LeBell ignored the kick, shot in and took Seagal’s back. He then choked him out. Seagal lost control of his bladder, wetting his pants. He woke up, squared off, and asked LeBell if he’d like to try it again–which he did, successfully. End Quote.
Now this is most likely just some shit-stirrer trying to impress his web-friends.
I worked with a guy who did every Seagal pic up to Under Siege 2, and he called bullshit on the story, and added that Seagal was a decent guy, but certainly not one to fuck with. He went so far as to tell me a story that was almost the exact reverse – in which Seagal choke slammed a stuntman who was getting carried away with himself. So who knows.
sorry to go on, but i love this stuff. It seems this is more a Gene Lebell story than a Seagal one; as there is a similar version (though less brutal) where the victim is a young Green Hornet era Bruce Lee.
Gene is a martial arts legend, and all sorts of bullshit( or at the very least greatly exagerated) stories have sprung up about him.
Personally I don’t beleive it. there is a much more likely version of the Seagal story where Seagal basically said that he couldn’t be choked out (a relatively common boast for experienced martial artists), and Gene disagreed. So they tried it and, indeed, Gene was able to put him to sleep. The fact that, early on, Seagal had a rep for being a bit rough on stuntmen probably meant that Gene was a bit more motivated – that’s all though. You can see how that would get Chinese-whispered into the over the top version I quoted. Gene himself denies any of it happened.
Nice review Vern, I will see it if only for the baby doll beating.
Aug. 13, 2008, 2:15 a.m. CST
Did I just read an impassioned defense of Dog the Bounty Hunter?
Aug. 13, 2008, 2:45 a.m. CST
If Thornton plays Krueger like BAD SANTA…
…I’m fucking in.
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:06 a.m. CST
vern question onseagalogy eras
i understand the different eras you put the films in, golden, silver, interum, DTV. but why under siege in silver era? shouldnt that one be golden since its his most popular movie? oh and i like his silver era stuff the best! i read your glimmer man review there rpetty funny (just wish it was longer) i must say i liked that serial killer bald guy. “i woke up happy, i’m going to bed happy. cause youre gonna be dead.”
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:23 a.m. CST
I believe UNDER SIEGE is in the Silver Era because it marked the moment when Seagal’s films moved away from personal revenge stories to less personal blow-shit-up stories with bigger action, Bogosian, etc.
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:31 a.m. CST
I actually love that show. It’s very moving the way he busts his ass chasing a guy down and then when he catches him talks to him supportively and gives him advice about lawyers and stuff. I thought he seemed like a great guy, so the n-word thing came as a shock to me. I’m sorry but I don’t buy it, any context of a white person using the word is either racist or too stupid not to know not to quote Ice-T lyrics in their entirety. The explanation that it only means some black people holds no water at all with me, that is exactly what all racists say so fuck him twice for first using the word and then using that bullshit excuse.
But yes, I do agree that he has done many good things (I’m guessing more good than bad), it’s a great show and it sucks that he made that mistake. And I really didn’t mean to kick him while he was down but I didn’t think I could use the show as a comparison without mentioning that.
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:36 a.m. CST
Caruso is right, I consider UNDER SIEGE a different era because it is the one that changed from the first four with their stories of cops in urban environments avenging wrongs done against them. UNDER SIEGE switched it up by using less martial arts and becoming more about military hardware, big guns, cannons, the aircraft carrier. And a way bigger budget.
Although gold is the more valuable metal I didn’t mean it as a judgment call. I personally like the earlier ones better, but I love UNDER SIEGE also and yes, it is his most popular movie.
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:44 a.m. CST
you can email me at outlawvern at hotmail dot com.
Aug. 13, 2008, 4:21 a.m. CST
glad thats cleared up fellas…. heres hoping ruslan is good and maye pave the way for undersiege 3
Aug. 13, 2008, 7:07 a.m. CST
backup family squirreled away for emergencies
by just pillow talk
Good guy procedure #3.
I watched pony tail in Above the Law last night. After re-watching it, Stevie really didn’t have good bad guys to go against. I mean, the way he dispatched all of them 1-2-3 at the end there…granted, it was cool as fuck, but way too easy for a finale. I still chuckle everytime he drives the car through the building window. I mean, who doesn’t get rid of bad guys that way?
I still haven’t seen Pistol Whipped, but will shortly.
Aug. 13, 2008, 8:10 a.m. CST
FrenchBastard03 – Taken is great
by Stuntcock Mike
Nails and a car battery.
Aug. 13, 2008, 8:58 a.m. CST
wait,wait,wait,wait,wait,So this isnt a Clone Wars review?
Seriously at this point I want a Vern Clone Wars review and something about embargoes. Also Vern you should start to review tv shows that never make it past their first season, like Largo Winch, now theres a DTV -tv series that was amazingly bad and bizarre.
Aug. 13, 2008, 8:59 a.m. CST
Ok so what about Killshot?
Its got a decent cast, its based on a Elmore Leonard novel, directed by the guy who did Shakespeare In Love (at least its not Uwe)…and still has been sitting on the shelf for years..Can’t this even get a direct-to-DVD release? Or is it one of those financial things that it would lose/cost more if it is actually released?
I read the book years ago, and though it would make a fine thriller.
Aug. 13, 2008, 9:58 a.m. CST
Hey, I agree with you 100%. I don’t agree with any use of that word. But the fact is that is how the word is utilized by many whites in many urban areas. Dog never gave this full explanation to try and justify it. He basically said, “That’s a word we grew up and has a certain meaning, but that’s no excuse. It’s wrong to say it. The recording was taken out of context, but it’s still wrong to say.” That’s not word for word but close to his one and only public comment on it. I’m wondering if the show will document that. I hope it does.
Aug. 13, 2008, 11:16 a.m. CST
The funny thing about Seagal movies is that I
finish watching them no matter how bad they are. The same counts for Van Damme movies. Other movies don’t get such a chance. If they don’t hook me within 15 minutes they are trash, pure and simple. Vern, keep those Seagal movie reviews coming.
Aug. 13, 2008, 11:29 a.m. CST
I can’t believe I have to repeat this but…
Vern… The end was a classic Seagal bear hug of a woman who looks old enough to be his daughter!
Aug. 13, 2008, 11:47 a.m. CST
Seagal is exactly where he belongs.
DTV hell, baby! Woooo! A reality series would be funny as hell, though. Those shows are more fake than wrestling, so any attempt he makes to impress us with how hardcore he is would surely entertain.
I still wanna get Seagal and Van Damme in a movie together, just to watch those two prima donnas get into a bitch-fight in some “behind the scenes” featurettes and interviews.
Aug. 13, 2008, 2:55 p.m. CST
by Alex Trevelyan
I will do Sir. Cheers.
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:33 p.m. CST
Hey Vern, congrats…
Your ending just might be bizzaro enough to humble Miike. I want to see it. Props.
Aug. 13, 2008, 3:41 p.m. CST
Vern, I could’ve respected Hayes more…
by The Nihilist
…if, upon quitting South Park, he had been upfront and said “This is my belief. They’re shitting on it. I can’t be involved any more, even though I was involved in other episodes that shitted on other people’s believes. I think I’m right and they’re wrong and this is a personal decision that I have the right to make.” But that’s not what he said. He said something sanctimonious about “disrespect to all religions” when, as Matt and Trey rightly pointed out, he’d cashed plenty of checks from plenty of other episodes mocking Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Atheism…the whole gamet.
Aug. 13, 2008, 7:43 p.m. CST
…I’ve seen two episodes of Dog. In both episodes he or his family instigated through abusive, and foul behaviour violent altercations with innocent people, before attempting some UFC shit on them, whipping out the mace and finally retreating, hollering like crack headed rednecks. No offence, but you have to be at a really fucking low point in life to see anything inspiring in Dog. Still love his show though. Dog and To Catch A Predator and Bill O’Rielly trifecta when I need my brain hosed out with shit.
Aug. 14, 2008, 7:06 a.m. CST
No one will ever read this
by Owen Meany
Because basically this talkback is over. It’s the answer to all of Seagal’s madness But! I know a guy who is a good friend of a DP who shot a movie with Seagal. And anyway, they’re all on set, waiting for Seagal to show up. Eventually, he shows, a girl on each arm, wearing a black leather trenchcoat. The director gives him the rundown of the scene …”Ok, so, you punch this guy and throw him into this guy and then break this guy’s arm.” “Wait, wait wait. Why would i do that? This guy here is a friend of my character…I don’t understand” Cue a hushed explanation from the director. Only to have Segal totally re block the scene – and then proceed to hand out new directions for all the actors and stuntman, based entirely on how he’s feeling on the day. After this whole process and he turns to the director..”..and, it’s your set. I’m ready!” Which I think goes a long way towards explaining the randomness of the later Seagal filmography (if I could be so bols as to use that term). Fin
Aug. 14, 2008, 7:54 a.m. CST
Woah woah, Largo Winch tv series!?
by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World
Both bizarre AND bad!? I want to hear more about this. I had this strange fascination with Largo Winch ever since I saw an old pc game based on it and thought that title had a weird name.
Aug. 16, 2008, 6:42 p.m. CST
The family at the end were Russian
by blood balls
Just thought everyone would like to know.
BTW, i’m a huge fan of Seagal, but this one was heavily padded. I’d take ATTACK FORCE over KILL SWITCH anyday.
BTW Vern, loved the book. If Seagal goes another 5 or 6 years, you’ll have more than enough material for another book.
Aug. 18, 2008, 1:01 p.m. CST
Vern and Cuntbubble
How can two guys on the opposite ends of an argument both be so horribly completely wrong?
First, Cuntbubble: you’re full of shit. Whether or not Hayes was a hypocrite, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to mourn his death. He was a very cool performer and a talented writer and producer of music. Even the South Park guys, in the episode where they desecrated Chef, eulogized him by saying that we should not be mad at Chef. We should me mad at, “the fruity little club” that brainwashed him. I think that’s about right. Lots of people get brainwashed by fruity little clubs, but we can still celebrate all the cool shit they produced and mourn their untimely passing.
Vern, on the subject of Hayes qutting South Park: you’re completely fucking wrong. The issue is hypocrisy. Hayes knew what South Park was all about, and he happily cashed his checks through episodes that mocked everyone and everything. But suddenly, when his beliefs were the butt of some jokes, he quits in protest? That’s the height of hypcorisy. The episode where a statue of Mary shits blood on the Pope’s face is acceptable, but some closet jokes about Tom Cruise and Scientology are out of bounds? Bullshit. If you condone the mocking of one group’s beliefs, you have to be willing to have your beliefs mocked as well.
Aug. 19, 2008, 3:04 a.m. CST
Vern is correct about those nerds who watch that
dumbass cartoon. It’s a goofy piece of shit that I never got into. But of course I don’t watch cartoons to begin w/ so maybe I shouldn’t be responding to it. But there is something very creepy about those two dudes who created Southpark. They appear to look like child molesters to me.
Nov. 24, 2008, 7:44 p.m. CST
Vern liked INDY 4: GEORGE LUCAS RAPES YOUR CHILDHOOD
So FFFFFF-UUCCCCCCCCCK YOU Vern! A retarded 3rd grader called she wants her taste in movies back.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.