For completists only: I saw SAW IV. Instead of reading that crap I recommend you watch Dolph Lundgren’s awesome new COMMAND PERFORMANCE teaser at Dolph Ultimate. Not only does the movie promise the type of absurd high concept I like, this teaser reminds me of the glory days of standalone teasers like LEATHERFACE or T2. And I’m sure I’ve seen a bullet flying toward the camera with flames behind it before – maybe it’s the opening credits of RICOCHET? I’m not sure.
Archive for August, 2008
8/30/08
Saturday, August 30th, 2008
LikeSaw IV
Saturday, August 30th, 2008People are always talking about “jumping the shark,” making fun of tv shows or movie sequels for trying to come up with new gimmicks to mix it up so they don’t just keep repeating themselves. In a horror series you’re gonna start shaking things up pretty quick. In HALLOWEEN they tried getting rid of Michael Meyers by part 3, though they brought him back for part 4. In ELM STREET 3 they added this idea of a group of kids who can dream together and all have different super powers in their dreams, and people liked that so they stuck with it. For FRIDAY THE 13th 4 they added a little kid (Corey Feldman), not to mention they changed who the killer was in part 2. The Chucky series turned into absurdist comedy by part 4.
All of these series have time passing, they might have a back-to-back story like HALLOWEEN and HALLOWEEN 2 but for the most part when you get to a sequel it’s been a year or more and a new group of people is here to have a run in with Freddy or whoever. The SAW series is very unusual in that this is part 4 and they are still dealing with the same killing spree, same characters introduced in previous sequels and still connecting everything to those events, and the timeline even overlaps with the last one.
Okay, to be fair there is one twist. At the end of part 3 the killer “Jigsaw” was dead. And this is not a supernatural series so he’s not gonna come back as a zombie. So the opening scene, maybe the closest thing to a good scene in this movie, is Jigsaw’s autopsy. It’s very disgusting and graphic as two morticians take that prick’s body apart piece by piece. And then when they cut open the stomach they discover a chunk of wax with a microcassette inside. Oh shit. (more…)
8/27/08
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008Doing some DTV sequel catch-up I watched WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END. Also I forgot to link to it but a week ago or so I did THE SCORPION KING 2 THE RISE OF A WARRIOR which is the prequel to the prequel to the sequel to THE MUMMY.
And by the way, speaking of movies featuring Everett, Washington’s own fighting champ Randy Couture, I cannot emphasize enough that you should see REDBELT, which came out on DVD this week. That’s the David Mamet code of honor movie starring Chewetel Ejiofor as a Jiu-Jitsu instructor. Definitely one of the year’s best movies. Read my original review if you’re not convinced yet.
Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008“Montani semper liberi (Latin, “Mountaineers are Always Free”)”
–West Virginia state motto
I’m always searching for DTV gems and this one has gotten some talk so it’s about time I got to it. But the truth is I didn’t like the first WRONG TURN. I know a few people who like it, but to me it was a big bag of mediocrity, forgettable enough that I apparently forgot to ever review it. So now I can’t read my review to refresh my memory about it. But I do remember that it took one of my favorite horror setups (tourists intrude on crazy backwoods inbred/mutant/cannibals, savagery ensues) and then hardly bothered to riff on it. Too slick, not enough mayhem, not enough imagination. THE HILLS HAVE EYES remake has problems and nobody besides me seems to like it, and I hated the sequel to it. But even in that one you at least get a couple OH SHIT adrenaline moments, some uncomfortable laughs. You don’t know what that ugly crazy fucker is gonna do next. WRONG TURN was the clean studio version of that. TV stars in some Ontario woods running from guys in monster makeup. Just no rush, no grit, no nothin.
My verdict on part 2: it’s worse and yet better. The characters are dumber and cheesier than in the first one. But it does have some of those things I thought the first one was missing. The killers are now explained as a family who refused to leave their home and suffered severe birth defects due to chemical contamination in the area (Hey! I guess I wasn’t the only one who liked the HILLS HAVE EYES remake after all!) but I think they have more personality, they do more interesting things and their makeup is more disturbing – they look like real deformed people now instead of monsters. (more…)
The Scorpion King 2: The Rise of a Warrior
Monday, August 18th, 2008THE SCORPION KING 2 RISE OF A WARRIOR is the story of a warrior who rises. In movies we’ve seen many people and things rise, including The Machines, Carlito’s Way, The Silver Surfer, Leslie Vernon, Taj, Cobra, the Lycans, Gator, Jack Johnson, and Fred A. Leuchter, Jr. But never before have we seen the RISE OF A WARRIOR.
In this movie there are actually a bunch of different warriors but in my opinion the specific warrior who is rising is the one who will later be called the Scorpion King, not in this movie but in the very end of a different, better movie called THE SCORPION KING. What I’m trying to say is that this is the prequel to the prequel to the sequel to THE MUMMY, a movie I thought sucked. So the fact that this one is above average for DTV is pretty impressive. If you met a guy whose great, great uncle by marriage was a Nazi or a serial killer, but the guy you met wasn’t that big of a dick or anything, you would think “Good for him.” Same goes for THE SCORPION KING 2 RISE OF A WARRIOR.
This movie is 100% Stephen Sommers free, in fact it’s directed by Russell Mulcahy, who at least was a really good director at one time (RAZORBACK). And to be honest I don’t hold its MUMMY lineage against it because I’ve been a really big fan of the original SCORPION KING ever since I first saw it, uh… 2 days ago. (more…)
The Scorpion King
Saturday, August 16th, 2008Well, I gave up on Stephen Sommers after the rhythmless THE MUMMY so I never watched THE MUMMY RETURNS. But I have since learned to enjoy The Rock so today I finally got around to watching the prequel/spin-off THE SCORPION KING. It’s directed by Charles NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3 Russell, so I didn’t have to break my Sommers boycott. And I’m glad I finally watched it. This is probaly the best riff on the CONAN THE BARBARIAN type of movie I’ve seen. Not as stylish or violent as 300 but a little more fun. And a hell of alot better than KULL THE CONQUEROR.
The movie got me from the opening scene where Tyler Mane and a horde of barbarians have some hapless dude who they call “an Akkadian” tied up. They are very proud of all the races and nationalities they’ve murdered but they never bagged them an Akkadian before, so this is a big day. But the Akadian says, “May the gods have mercy on you, because my brother won’t.”
His brother, is, of course, The Rock (registered trademark of World Wrestling Entertainment) as Mathayis, a long-haired, giant-muscled, bow and arrow toting, sword slinging, rope swinging, cuthroat motherfucker who storms in for a Rock vs. Mane Smackdown, and fires an arrow into Mane so hard he flies out the side of the building and lands five years later in the remake of HALLOWEEN. (more…)
Kill Switch
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008Well, shit. I’ve had this review done, but I was letting it sit and simmer or something. Or being too lazy to send it in. But now poor Isaac Hayes has died, so I better address that. Black Moses isn’t shown on the cover or in the trailer for this upcoming Steven Seagal DTV event, and that’s fair because he’s barely in it. But Hayes does in fact appear in a few scenes as “Coroner.” Seagal’s homicide detective character is buddies with Isaac, so Isaac is pretty liberal with letting him check the dead bodies for clues. I call him Isaac because that appears to be his name – Seagal’s character refers to him as “Is” (or “Eyes”). My theory was that Hayes was playing himself and that this is what he’s been doing in Memphis since quitting that snot-nosed cartoon you guys are so fanatic about. But maybe not.
At the time I thought it was cool to see Isaac Hayes in a Seagal movie. He did so many types of B-movies, from TRUCK TURNER to UNCLE SAM, it was about time he showed up in a Seagal picture. But now it’s kind of sad because really he doesn’t do anything in the movie, it’s too bad they didn’t give him a better role. I hope Seagal at least got out the guitar on set and got Isaac to sing “Walk On By” or something.
Damn, tough weekend. Rest in peace Duke of New York, A-#1, Isaac Hayes. You too Bernie Mac, even though you’re not in KILL SWITCH (which is probaly for the best.)
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As most of you know, I wrote this book about the films of Steven Seagal, now available in bookstores. If you haven’t read it, it’s pretty good. You know that stupid book about how powerful Chuck Norris’s beard is and how big his dick is and all that? My book is that book’s opposite. It will be there standing in the shadows when that book exhales its last breath, and it will not shed a tear. All the Chuck Norris book will see is a glimmer, and then it will be dead. (more…)
8/9/08
Saturday, August 9th, 2008The Dead Pool
Saturday, August 9th, 2008THE DEAD POOL is the fifth, last, and worst of the DIRTY HARRY series. It’s still watchable because it’s Dirty Fuckin Harry, but it completes the pattern of each entry being not as good as the last.
It’s important to consider the time of the release though. In the US it came out 20 years from last month. July 13th, 1988. It was a Wednesday. Harrison Ford was out celebrating his 46th birthday. One of the girls from the “High School Musical”s was being born. Long haired kids in Minneapolis were trying to find someone to buy them beer at a convenience store near the Metrodome where the Monsters of Rock Tour would be playing that night. Red Sox fans were trying to figure out what to make of John McNamara being replaced by Joe Morgan. Ronald Reagan was signing Executive Order 12646, establishing an emergency board to investigate a dispute between the Port Authority Trans-Hudson Corporation and certain of its employees represented by the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. And there was a new fuckin Dirty Harry movie coming out!
If you’re too young to remember it or if you had substance abuse problems at the time and also don’t remember it let’s try to picture it: it’s the middle of summer. You like action movies. RAMBO III has been out since May, but it wasn’t very good. You don’t give two shits about CROCODILE DUNDEE II. This summer needs a really good action movie. I mean, THE PRESIDIO? Not that exciting. RED HEAT? Okay I guess. ROGER RABBIT was cute but… I don’t know. So you’re excited to go out and see that new DIRTY HARRY movie! You should be able to get out of work on time to get to the theater. Hopefully it won’t be sold out yet. Yeah, man, DIRTY FUCKIN HARRY! THE DEAD POOL! You’re fuckin THERE. Even if it’s not that good it’s gonna be the best thing out there. What else is coming out? The only other action movie is on Friday there’s that one about the skyscraper, with the guy from MOONLIGHTING. Pretty laughable.
(I’m not making that up, the DIRTY HARRY series really ended two days before the DIE HARD series started.) (more…)
Sudden Impact
Friday, August 8th, 2008I’m not sure what the title means on this one, but if it were up to me it would be called A DIRTY HARRY SALUTE TO DEATH WISH II. The three before this all felt like “DIRTY HARRY” but in this one he goes to San Paolo and all the sudden he’s in Charles Bronson’s jurisdiction.
Let me point out a few connections: The score is by Lalo Schifrin, but the opening credits are still DEATH WISH sequel style cheeseball drum machine and keyboard rockafire explosion over establishing shot of the city (Lalo’s revenge for not getting to score part 3, I bet). Kevyn Major Howard, the gang rapist Stomper in DEATH WISH II, plays a criminal who gets off due to improper police work by Callahan. And like most DEATH WISH movies the lead villains are maniacally overacting gang rapists. In DEATH WISH and DEATH WISH II Bronson is getting revenge after (among other things) his daughter was gang-raped into a state of catatonia. In this one Sondra Locke is getting revenge because she and her sister were gang raped and her sister is in a state of catatonia. Speaking of which, Bronson’s wife Jill Ireland was in DEATH WISH II, and here we have Clint’s live-in lady friend at the time starring in this one. It ends a little more like the first DEATH WISH with the police (in this case Harry) knowing about the vigilante actions and letting it go because they sympathize.
This is the only DIRTY HARRY directed by Clint, and although it’s not the best one it’s got some of his thoughtfulness in it. In the DEATH WISH series there was always a little sense of some kind of patriarchal shit where it’s always the women in his life getting hurt and he’s getting revenge, it’s like they keyed his car or something. Here it’s the actual victim of the crime getting the revenge, and evening the score by shooting off their balls. (I wonder if this is the first review where I tried to describe a movie as thoughtful because of guys getting their balls shot off? Probaly not.) Anyway, THE ENFORCER explored gender equality and this one still seems down with this idea (although still not enlightened about the gays – check out the small town cop casually referring to one of the villains as “the dyke”). (more…)
