Archive for June, 2008

6/4/08 part 2

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

I got the new Dirty Harry box set that came out yesterday. It’s got all 5 movies with new transfers, commentaries and featurettes. It comes with a bunch of goofy shit like a miniature replica of Harry’s wallet with badge and ID (in case you know a guy who looks exactly like Clint Eastwood but at 3/4 scale). Also you can buy the movies separately if you’re not a completist.

Anyway, I realized that somehow I’ve never reviewed the Dirty Harry movies! Not even the first one. So I’ll be going through the series but before I start I knew I had to finish some unfinished business. I had been sitting on my DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH review because I wanted to pair it with an Elm Street 5 review, but I still haven’t watched that one. But at least I’m completing the DEATH WISH series for you here, that’s more important.

In other news, Impact Action Movie Magazine gave my book 10 out of 10 and said it is “quite possibly the best book on film I have ever read.” Take that, other film books!

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Death Wish V: The Face of Death

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

This one finishes off the series, it’s a goodbye to Paul Kersey and to Charles Bronson for those who aren’t gonna watch the three FAMILY OF COPS movies (the only thing he made after this). I’ve read that Bronson had Alzheimer’s, but he seems completely with it and in good shape.

The year is 1994, Paul has another girlfriend with another daughter. Like part 4 they don’t get mugged or raped, but like all DEATH WISH movies they’re in serious danger. This time Paul runs afoul of the Irish mafia, specifically his girlfriend’s crazy ex-husband Tommy O’Shea (Michael Parks, aka Sherriff Earl McGraw from FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, KILL BILL and both GRINDHOUSE movies). We find out Paul is in witness protection now, not on the run, and he calls an old friend at the D.A.’s office (Saul Rubinek) to help him with O’Shea. But of course that makes things worse, so Paul finds himself sneaking around picking off mobsters. It occurs to me that makes it kind of like a slasher movie where you root for the slasher. Oh well.

This installment’s strength is its colorful characters. Parks is a great villain, very eccentric, making odd faces, mumbling to himself, sinisterly amused by some joke even his own men aren’t in on. And he kills a mannequin, for which he will suffer dearly.

The other most memorable character is Robert Joy (the guy with the burned face in LAND OF THE DEAD) as Freddy Flakes, a schizophrenic hitman who is introduced in drag, is obsessed with security, and suffers from severe dandruff. (Seriously, they make a huge deal about his dandruff.) Paul goes after him with a radio control soccer ball. So we are pretty far away from the tone of part 1 at this point. (more…)

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Malone

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Friends, I don’t know if any of you are with me on this one, but just humor me for a minute and pour one on the curb for the video store. There are still plenty of them holding on and struggling, but the vultures are circling. More and more people prefer the instant gratification of download on demand or the not even close to instant gratification of ordering movies on a fucking websight and then waiting around for them to show up at some later date in your mailbox and then you will leave them sitting on your coffee table for two weeks and then remember that you got it and then watch part of it and send it back. But in my day, and still to this day, there was another part of the equation, the browsing. The hunt.

And it is only through this forgotten activity that you can have an experience like this one. You’re looking through the action section, trying to decide what you should watch:

I’ve seen alot of these. Not interested in a lot of these. Why is that one in the action section? I guess I’m not sure what section you would put it in. Oh, I forgot they did a remake of ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. That wasn’t very good. MR. AND MRS. SMITH? I never did see that one. Looked kind of good. Everybody said it was bad though. But there was that shot in the trailer, she was rapelling down the building and she had garters on, maybe I should– (more…)

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The Onion Movie

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

I know what you’re thinking. THE ONION MOVIE? Are you fucking kidding me? They’ve run out of ’70s slasher movies, TV series, action figures, video games and board games to turn into movies, now they’re moving on to the fucking produce department? Well to be fair onions are a vegetable with a rich history. In Caananite Bronze Age settlements, traces of onion remains were found dating back to 5000 BC. There is Biblical evidence (specifically the Book of Numbers) indicating that onions were grown in Ancient Egypt. In fact, to the ancient Egyptians (SPOILER) their concentric rings represented eternal life. So I think with a visionary artistic team behind the camera and a decent budget an onion movie could be a real eye-opener. Unfortunately this movie has nothing to do with vegetables at all, it is based on that websight The Onion with the fake news articles and the movie reviews and what not.

I watch more direct-to-video crap than the average citizen, but even I usually draw the line at direct-to-video comedy. If MEET THE SPARTANS can get a theatrical release and you can’t then I’m not sure I trust you, even if a renowned institution such as a National Lampoon’s or an American Pie Presents is willing to put its name on the line on your behalf. In this case The Onion is only putting its name on the line due to contractual obligation. Some of their former editors wrote this thing back in 2003 but they and the directors disowned it years ago and it was sitting on the shelf until recently when somebody was moving some boxes around trying to find some of their old yearbooks or something and their ass bumped it off the shelf and it lands in stores Tuesday.

I’m no expert on laughs or satirical newspapers but as it happens I *am* an expert on Steven Seagal, who appears in the picture in the role of “Cock Puncher.” The format is a copy of sketch comedy movies like KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE and AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON, mostly taking the form of an Onion TV news broadcast but also branching off into skits taking place in the homes of the people watching the show or behind the scenes at their news headquarters, etc. COCK PUNCHER is a new Steven Seagal movie we see advertised and it becomes a plot point when the head anchor has a fight with the corporation that owns The Onion over whether to report on unrest in Central Asia or on the phenomenon of “Cock Puncher Mania.” Then Cock Puncher somehow becomes a real person who shows up at the end to rescue the news from terrorists (long story). (more…)

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