Archive for May, 2008

Class of 1984

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

CLASS OF 1984 is an earlier picture by COMMANDO’s Mark L. Lester. It starts out shitty with a terrible song by Alice Cooper and your usual ’80s horse shit about cities being overrun with maniac punk rocker delinquent savages. In this case the problem is at a high school where new music teacher Mr. Norris (Perry King) is surprised to find metal detectors, switchblades, gang fights and students who lick their middle fingers and say “sit on this, motherfucker.” His new friend, science teacher Roddy McDowall, has learned to get used to it, and carries a piece in his briefcase.

But Mr. Norris can’t just get used to it. These hoodlums are always interfering with his class, and they sell drugs to one student who flips out and climbs up the flagpole and lets go. And later wiseass trumpet player Michael J. Fox (in his first movie role, and looking about 14 years-old) gets stabbed, something that rarely happened on Family Ties, in the BACK TO THE FUTURE or TEEN WOLF sagas, or in any of those TV movies about summer camp. Plus they start threatening Norris outside of school, showing up at his house in Halloween costumes and spraying him in the face with fake blood. Which is a metaphor for real blood, if I know my teens.

Even though it’s kind of funny the whole way through I have to admit I wasn’t into it at first. Lester obviously believed this shit and claims on the extras that he was prophetic about violence in schools. Because a gang of CLOCKWORK ORANGE dudes with face paint meeting in the bathroom to audition new hookers for their prostitution ring is TOTALLY the same thing as Columbine. (more…)

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Speed Racer

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

If the old Speed Racer cartoon had a baby with a Hot Wheels commercial in the back of a candy store and fed it magic mushrooms every day for breakfast, then when it turned 18 that baby would legally become this movie. What I mean is it’s clearly the product of its upbringing: silly cartoon plot, Skittles color palette, cartoon physics, monkey wearing clothes, etc. But it wants to become a man, so it rebels. It confuses little kids and their parents with a complex non-linear structure intercutting a present day race with backstory and a flashback race and overlapping past and present races within one shot. And instead of trying to stop some evil plot to destroy the world like you’re supposed to do in this type of movie, SPEED RACER helps an investigative body stop a corrupt corporation from manipulating the stock market by fixing races. (It does not mention the tax disputes from PHANTOM MENACE.)

The result is a movie that people want to beat up. The Wachowski Brothers until now have only directed 4 movies, 3 of them THE MATRIX and the other one just to prove to the studio they could direct THE MATRIX, so this is almost like their sophomore slump. It’s an absurdly ridiculous and/or ridiculously absurd, kind of alienating and weird Wachowski version of a kiddie movie that already seems destined to lose the studio a ton of money and either force the Wachowskis to try something smaller or safer or to go away and not direct for ten years. Also I kind of liked it.

The story is pretty much the same as the old cartoon from what I remember. A young guy who actually has the first name Speed and last name Racer is a race car driver, his brother Rex was killed in a previous race and also there’s a mysterious masked race car driver named Racer X who appeared shortly after Rex died and helps Speed in a very brotherly way but who knows maybe it’s a coincidence. I don’t remember thinking of the cartoon being in some future world or alternate history but it was some place where everybody was involved in dangerous car race intrigue and what not, and same here. In fact at one point there’s a historical photo of a model-T type car in a race, so this seems to be a country founded on burnt rubber. (more…)

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5/2/08

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

Well it looks like SEAGALOGY got pushed back to June 3rd, but they’re telling me it might show up early at some places. Sorry about that. They really got the publicity machine going though, if you look around there’s a couple contests to win copies and I am proud to announce that I got a 5 out of 5 star rating in the new issue of Smooth Magazine (the one with Stacy Dash on the cover). Game – Get Some! What Women Really Want by former Miss USA Kenya Moore only got 4 1/2 stars. In your face, Miss USA!

So now that I’m in Smooth I’m getting a big head so I’m getting serious and political in a new Vern Tell’s It Like It Is column. It’s pretty long winded and I do not recommend reading it. But I’ve had some requests to write about my thoughts on the democratic primary so this is in case those people are still interested. Oh also I reviewed the John Cusack war satire WAR, INC.

For the rest of you how about a quick TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE review? Who wants it?

And one final note, I don’t think I’ll write a review of IRON MAN but I enjoyed it. It’s a well told and mostly solid super hero story with a surprising amount of laughs due to Robert Downey Jr.’s great performance. The nerds were right, he was perfect, and has helped to kick off the summer that will hopefully destroy that myth that you have to lower your standards of entertainment to watch a “summer popcorn movie.”

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The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

The first and most important thing that must be said of THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE is that it has one of the most badass theme songs ever, and without even leaning on the crutch of wah wah guitar. A deep ominous BA-DUMP-BUMP-BUMP alternates with tension building horns and violins or something in a higher pitch… well, I’m dancing about architecture here but trust me, this theme song WILL kick your ass. The score is by David Shire, who strangely has done mostly TV movies but recently did ZODIAC. But it has that catchiness and strutting quality of the best Lalo Schifrin, like ENTER THE DRAGON or something, where after you see the movie you can’t help but walking around picturing it as your theme music.

(By the way, if you watch the original theatrical cut of PAYBACK you can tell that the badass music during the opening montage is inspired by this. They did a good job, but not as good.)

And the movie does a pretty good job of living up to the theme song. It’s directed by Joseph Sargent who is also mainly a TV guy, but the feel is cinematic. Watching it now I realize this must’ve been a huge influence on many of the DIE HARD type movies and especially DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE. It doesn’t have the one guy in over his head and physically fighting the bad guys, but the criminal plot, setting, characters, sense of humor and tone are all very DIE HARD.

A group of men (all wearing matching hats, coats, glasses and mustaches) commandeer a New York subway train. They dump all but one car, keeping the passengers under the watch of some machine guns, and call in to demand $1 million in one hour. If they don’t get it they will begin killing one hostage each minute. (more…)

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