I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern wants you to Pay Homage to the Man With The Ponytail… Steven Seagal! And get a PLAYSTATION 3 for the effort!

WIN A PLAYSTATION 3 JUST BY PAYING TRIBUTE TO STEVEN SEAGAL

Which I imagine is something you guys do in your spare time anyway, so why not?

Hello friends, Vern here. As many of you know, I self-published a book last year called SEAGALOGY, which forever changed the lives of the couple hundred people who read it. If you have noticed any kind of improvement in the world or change in the essence of a man since then I think it is fair for me to take full credit. Well, on June 10th a new revised and updated edition of the book will come to book stores everywhere thanks to Titan Books, a fine British publisher also responsible for the greatest coffee table book I know of Click Here! Obviously an in-depth study of the films of Steven Seagal sells itself, but as a sign of respect for my mission the nice people at Titan decided to promote the book through the medium of contest. Basically what you have to do to enter is make a video paying tribute to what you like about Seagal. The basics:

* “Your video must be based on the principles of Seagalogy, the study of the ass-kicking films of Steven Seagal.”

* It can be any length, but preferably less than 5 minutes. (I guess just try to keep it shorter than Seagal’s speech about the environment at the end of ON DEADLY GROUND.)

* You can’t use copyrighted material in it (including soundtracks from Seagal movies and what not) because I hate court and will not go to court just so you guys can get a Playstation

* the contest ends June 30th Also please note that I will be choosing the winners, so you’re not gonna want to just make fun of the guy.

I want to see people staging their version of an epic Seagal scenario. I want to see action, I want to see speeches, maybe even some blues. But be creative, do what you want, maybe you will win me over with your own approach. Here’ s Titan’s You Tube profile page: Click Here You can read the full rules there and also watch some videos of people talking about Seagal. I’m not sure what they’re talking about in some of those clips and there’s a puppet in there for some reason, but that’s okay, we’re all in this together. And then there is a Youtube group where you post your entries: Click Here Please be sure to read those rules. One winner will get a Playstation 3, which I have been told is some sort of video game machine that people use. Also they will get the game of their choice with it. There is not a Seagal game yet but I believe there is a HARD BOILED one, so look into that. Tetris is also alot of fun I recommend Tetris. 5 runners up will receive a copy of SEAGALOGY which is worth less money than the Playstation but will add more to your life and to the world of film criticism so in my opinion there’s really 5 first place winners and only 1 runner up.

I cannot give you a taste of the Playstation, but if you want to read the UNDER SIEGE chapter of SEAGALOGY out of context and with the curse words redacted it is available on the MTV Movie Blog Click HEre, a popular web sight known for not showing music videos. Anyway let’s do this. Let’s see some ball kicking, some broken windows, some superior attitude, superior state of mind.

thanks everybody,
Vern
acclaimed author

p.s. I can back that up too. Here is a Herc-style compilation of acclaim for SEAGALOGY:

“Seagalogy is a raucous, thigh-slapping and informative read that can murder spare time as easily as Steven Seagal can break peoples’ necks. In short Vern’s Seagalogy is an unexpected gem.” –mania.com (Mania Grade: A. Maniac Grade: A+. [I’m not sure what that means.])

“With the obsession of a fan and the authoritative tone of a professor, Vern takes us through every film with attention to plot, themes, dialogue, influences and even politics… This book shouldn’t exist in this form, it shouldn’t be so wise-crackingly funny, but it does and it is.” –denofgeek.com (4 stars out of 5)

“Now I had never heard of the author before breaking this book’s arm, throwing its head through a car windshield and calling it a life. But now the duder will stay in my noggin since he has earned my respect via this affectionate, in depth and often side splitting piece of work.” –Arrow in the Head (3.5 out of 4)

“SEAGALOGY not only made me laugh my ass off, but sent me to Amazon to buy some of the early Seagal DVDs I didn’t already own. This book is an instant cult classic.” –Bookgasm

“I urge you to all go out and buy Vern’s new book Seagalogy – it’s a great read. It’s not only informative, it’s entertaining, and darn funny. ” –Clint Morris, moviehole.net

“While Vern’s observations are often laugh-out-loud funny, don’t make the mistake of thinking that Seagalogy is a joke. As he explores the themes of multiculturalism, governmental corruption, and environmental activism that appear throughout the Seagalian oeuvre, Vern makes a strong case for Seagal being a true auteur of bad-ass cinema, putting his own personal stamp on everything he touches. You may never look at Under Siege 2 the same way again.” –Smooth magazine (5 out of 5 stars)

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/36862

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • May 23, 2008, 12:59 p.m. CST

    i want to see

    by Gatsbys West Egg Omlet

    Son of Rambo.

  • May 23, 2008, 1 p.m. CST

    Pay Homage to the Man In With The Ponytail…

    by jimmy rabbitte

    D’oh!

  • May 23, 2008, 1:11 p.m. CST

    That Sasso guy from Mad TV . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . would win this hands down. And congrats, Vern, for the write-up of your book in EWeekly!

  • May 23, 2008, 1:23 p.m. CST

    Any article about Steven Seagal needs to be….

    by FlickaPoo

    …much much shorter. I can’t imagine anyone ever reading 18 paragraphs of anything having to do even tangentially with Steven Seagal. The end.

  • May 23, 2008, 1:24 p.m. CST

    how could you like seagal

    by Westonian

    afd hqaj

  • May 23, 2008, 1:26 p.m. CST

    That sounds like too much work…

    by tonagan

    If any of us were motivated, we wouldn’t be here.

  • May 23, 2008, 1:28 p.m. CST

    Danny

    by Blade_Runner

    bitches about the quality actors on this site all the time, and now claims that he the biggest Seagal fan? WTF is up with that?

    Still, it’s a cool prize, but don’t get too excited over a hack actor.

  • May 23, 2008, 1:30 p.m. CST

    Just give it to DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD…

    by LordPorkington

    Anyone who owns up to being Seagal’s biggest fan deserves a PS3 in my eyes. Congratulations to you Mr Dickblood. Now I’ll just sit here and wait for that cunt ‘Testricals’ to come on here and say ‘Spaced is shit/Spaced was shit’ so I can laugh at him.

  • May 23, 2008, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Steven Seagal would have been a cool Bill in ‘Kill BIll’

    by ingloriousjedi

    Think about it. Actually picture Seagal as Bill. It would work.

  • May 23, 2008, 1:40 p.m. CST

    Vern –

    by Abhimanyu

    Can I buy your book here in India? Do you know who distributes for Titan here?

    Amazon’s shipping is always twice the price of the book…

  • May 23, 2008, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Why no Entertainment Weekly quote?

    by Bass Bastardson

    Didn’t I see a blurb in there recently?

  • May 23, 2008, 1:56 p.m. CST

    OUT FOR JUSTICE

    by palimpsest

    A damn fine film and Seagal’s finest moment (though I do have a disturbing man-crush on UNDER SIEGE 2 and on the world’s longest Robert Shaw tribute that’s embedded into it).

  • May 23, 2008, 1:56 p.m. CST

    If this is like any other AICN contest

    by chrth

    The winner will be picked after the Playstation 4 has been released.

  • May 23, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    First time

    by Fruitloops 2012

    Actor from the television programme of the United States Madds television

    show Wills Asshole is very funnie as George Seagal.

  • May 23, 2008, 2 p.m. CST

    Segal has his own Ouvre?

    by irritable

    Stallone won’t like that.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:03 p.m. CST

    Pondscums tribute = best laugh I’ve had today

    by NomoredirtyjokespleaseweareYanks

    Especially whats underneath a pony tail. Holy cow.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:03 p.m. CST

    Not for those that live outside the US?

    by Rakafraker

    Is this true, Vern?

    Have you foresaken us foreigners?

  • May 23, 2008, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Re:Pondscums Addendum

    by NomoredirtyjokespleaseweareYanks

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:06 p.m. CST

    Curse you, fingers

    by irritable

    “Seagal” “oeuvre” – all spoilt now.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:10 p.m. CST

    why vern??

    by listo65

    Why do you worship the ponytail express?

  • May 23, 2008, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Under Siege and Marked For Death

    by Hawaiian Organ Donor

    Even the Seagal haters have to give him those. Tommy Lee Jones and Screwface? C’mon!

  • May 23, 2008, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Nice offer Vern

    by Stalkeye

    But besides the soon to be released MGs4 and a handful of nice exclusives,when is PS3 gonna really take off? It’s the cheapest Blu-ray player and a great media machine (capable of copying and playing divx files and mp3s into the hardrive)but where are the fuckin games? My PS3 is turning into a $400 doorstop until MGS4 comes out.
    Fuck it, it’s free to the lucky winner.Sorry bout the rant, what was that contest about?Yeah i like some of Seagal’s past films despite the fact that he neer gets his ass handed to him just atleast once during a fight scene.After seeing the more or less recent overseas stuff like Killzone, Chocolate and especially Invisible Target the bar has been raised.I’m curious to see what Seagal has done in Urban Justice however.

    Nice tribute Pondscum BTW.XD

  • May 23, 2008, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Stalkeye

    by Hawaiian Organ Donor

    So you saw Chocolate?
    I like the cut of your jib. That’s what makes Asian cinema rock. The good guys sometimes get beaten to a pulp. And more times than not don’t survive the end credits.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:40 p.m. CST

    Yea Vern

    by skimn

    Entertainment Weekly gave you a nice sidebar last issue. Nice job.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:43 p.m. CST

    First prize should be a copy of Vern’s book.

    by Mose Schrute

    Second prize should be two copies of Vern’s book. And so on.

  • May 23, 2008, 2:55 p.m. CST

    I ordered Seagalology from Previews

    by BitterMan23

    I liked the idea of it being ordered along with several contradictory Wolverine comics. The Under Siege chapter was a delight, I look forward to reading the rest. I especially look forward to the chapter on Out for Justice, I remember when I asked my mom to take me to see it, and she said “Well what’s it about?” and i said “…taking out the trash?” because I honestly had no idea, only that it was Seagal punching folks, so I just repeated a tagline from the TV spots. I might just as well have said “Rated R, starts Friday.”

  • May 23, 2008, 2:57 p.m. CST

    I can’t get though two paragraphs of Vern’s yammering

    by splungiest

    I’m more likely to read through the IMPORTANT FINANCIAL PROPOSAL from the widow of the ambassador to Sudan in my e-mail than struggle through a page of anything Vern writes.

    Did 200 people really buy Vern’s book when he published it last year? With actual money? Somebody in talkback once pointed out Vern’s own web site gets about .0000000000000000001% the traffic Ain’t It Cool does. Do you think Vern will ever figure out why?

  • May 23, 2008, 2:59 p.m. CST

    flickapoo /bass

    by Vern

    FLICKAPOO: I guess that doesn’t bode well for my 395 page book about the films of Steven Seagal. You should’ve told me this 5 years ago.

    BASS: Entertainment Weekly did an interview with me but didn’t actually review the book so there wasn’t really a good quote to use.

    RAKAFRAKER: What are you saying is not outside of the US? Did I miss something in the rules? The publisher is in London so I wouldn’t think they would do that.

    VARIOUS OTHERS: I apologize for offering you a free Playstation for an afternoon’s worth of fucking around with a video camera. I promise I won’t ever try to pull that kind of shit again.

  • May 23, 2008, 3 p.m. CST

    splungiest

    by Vern

    No, maybe you could help me figure that one out, you seem to know alot.

  • May 23, 2008, 3:15 p.m. CST

    Apology accepted, Vern

    by tonagan

    Maybe if you gave us all video cameras, we’d… no, we wouldn’t.

  • May 23, 2008, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Yeah HOD, I saw it 3 hours ago and loved it!

    by Stalkeye

    Shout-out to you of course for recommending this among others.All I have to say is how in the fuck are the actors’ insurance covered? The last fight scene had me saying “mutha fuck CGI”! this was real and it shows especially after the credits in which they do a “jackie chan” collage showing what happens behind the scenes.At first I thought the premise of an Austistic girl with photographic memory was a stretch but despite the untweaked story,Chocolate delivers!
    I’m joining Cniflix to see what other treasures that have been overlooked.
    Not for nuttin, I liked Stevie back in the day, but after seeing how this guy never breaks a sweat in movie after movie loses credibility.Shit, Rambo had to struggle with that big Russian in firt blood pt2,Bruce Lee had a giant footprint on his chest in Game of death,Ahhnuld got his ass whipped by the Predator,Dolph’s ass got served by some young chick in the punisher and yet nothing happens to Seagal..umm okkayyy.
    I don’t need to bring up comparisons to Asian flicks because there IS no contest.Not only do the good guys die in combat (pyric victory! well sorta.)

    but they can at least lift up their leg whilist performing a cresent kick.buahahaha.
    I already listed my faves in a previous thread, but I’m not eelin Out for Justice and especially On deadly ground.i don’t need to see an PSA about the enviornment post asskicking.WTF?

  • May 23, 2008, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Thanks, Vern.

    by Rakafraker

    I read it wrong.

    It says:

    For US entrants, this Contest is governed by U.S. law and is subject to all applicable federal, state, and local laws.
    It doesn’t say anywhere that it is limited to just the US though.

    Yea!

  • May 23, 2008, 3:22 p.m. CST

    ENTRY: Rob Zombie’s Out for Justice

    by tonagan

    Now I’m going to eat a box of twinkies and fart.

  • May 23, 2008, 3:26 p.m. CST

    Worst.Contest.Ever!

    by decypher44

    Wow, I couldn’t even read past the third paragraph before I said “Fuck this!”. I don’t want a PS3, much less have to work for it, and much much less have to something about SS.

  • May 23, 2008, 3:30 p.m. CST

    or the UK.

    by Rakafraker

    for that matter.

    But I’m in neither.

    It doesn’t not, not say just those countries, though.

  • May 23, 2008, 3:32 p.m. CST

    Stalkeye

    by Hawaiian Organ Donor

    I’m glad I could be of assistance. Anytime you need a new Asian title to watch, let me know.
    Cinflix sucks by the way. Actually, all the Asian online rental services suck but TigerCinema is the best of the worst. None of them have enough titles in stock so wait times are killer. Unfortunately they are our only alternative to watching Asian film at the moment.

  • May 23, 2008, 3:43 p.m. CST

    A haiku to Seagal… by Pondscum

    by jimmy rabbitte

    “You run like a fat chick who’s shit her knickers.

    You twist your head like you’re having a spasm.

    You stink.”

    …sorry to cut and paste your stuff… but your posts seemed to line up so well this way I couldn’t ignore it.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:06 p.m. CST

    I just woke up so I misread the headline

    by mr.brownstone

    thought there was a Seagal PS3 game coming out.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:08 p.m. CST

    Wal-Mart has almost all blue-ray dvds and NO blue-ray players.

    by Mike_D

    wtf?

  • May 23, 2008, 4:12 p.m. CST

    What the fuck?

    by Gilkuliehe

    Are you fuckers beeing fed with HATRED? I thought BILE was happening only in the IJ:KOTCS talkback, but no. I don’t know why I keep coming back to this site, it used to had such nice people in it. Now there’s only angry annonymous cunts trying to be cool insulting everything and everyone they can.

    You don’t like the contest? Fine, ignore it. But no, it’s better to insult and start bitching about everything, right?

    I think Vern is one of the great writers here. I enjoy his reviews and pretty much everything he has to say, including owning your asses when someone gets on his nerves. But I know it must be pretty damn frustratring to keep on working for readers such as the apes trolling this site.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:13 p.m. CST

    Vern: Count me goddamned IN.

    by FatPaul

    I’ll have my entry ready some time next month.

    Also, what’s with this talkback? It’s like the mention of a contest brings out all the whiney douchebags.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:15 p.m. CST

    If it involved praising Seagal…

    by ZeroCorpse

    I’ll pass.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Seagology was indeed a worthy effort

    by eggart

    I bought the e-book version, and had a good long sit at the computer reading my jolly ass off.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:50 p.m. CST

    I want to see an actual short film contest on AICN

    by ingloriousjedi

    Where you have to make an actual good film, say under 10 minutes. You could maybe give rules like it has to be a horror etc, and somehow obvious it was made for the comp specifically. And give like a realistic two months deadline or something. And I’d love to see a film comp like this annually.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:53 p.m. CST

    And you could line up a guest jugde to pick the winning film

    by ingloriousjedi

    like QT or RR, Rob Zombie etc. you’d be able to pull some strings to get them to judge?

  • May 23, 2008, 4:54 p.m. CST

    Hey, I was just called out by the Top

    by FlickaPoo

  • May 23, 2008, 4:55 p.m. CST

    The Annual AICN SHORT FILM FEST

    by ingloriousjedi

    Sponsored by Sony.

  • May 23, 2008, 4:55 p.m. CST

    let’s try that again….

    by FlickaPoo

  • May 23, 2008, 4:57 p.m. CST

    Hey, I was just called out by the Top Brass!…

    by FlickaPoo

    395 pages?…that’s an awful lot of paragraphs about Steven Seagal…too many perhaps. But I still wouldn’t have stopped you five years ago…I DO admire an obsessive work of genius/madness…

  • May 23, 2008, 4:59 p.m. CST

    jimmy rabbitte – Get The Form Right on a Haiku

    by Read and Shut Up

    It’s a line of five, then seven, then five syllables. Like this:

    Jimmy Rabbitte? Ass.

    Doesn’t understand haiku.

    Go, hump your monkey.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:01 p.m. CST

    (With a Hard Return After “Ass” and “haiku,” of Course

    by Read and Shut Up

  • May 23, 2008, 5:07 p.m. CST

    I’ll help, Read and Shut Up.

    by Gilkuliehe

    Jimmy Rabbitte? Ass.

    Doesn’t understand haiku.

    Go, hump your monkey.

    You welcome.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:09 p.m. CST

    Vern = Seagalogy guy???

    by dirkadirkadirka

    Thats cool. Isn’t that the site that had the rules about the name of the movie and how every poster has either a giant Seagal head or the man packing serious heat? That site is hysterical. I love Seagal.

    I’ll take you to the bank….the blood bank!!!

  • May 23, 2008, 5:12 p.m. CST

    Thanks Gikuliehe!

    by Read and Shut Up

    Now…what’s the secret? :-D

  • May 23, 2008, 5:15 p.m. CST

    Wow…

    by jimmy rabbitte

    …I have been zinged; and I love it…

    I don’t know the technical requirements of a true haiku. I admit it.

    I also don’t really care.

    It is you who may go and hump your monkeys.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:17 p.m. CST

    The secret…

    by Gilkuliehe

    Just type < p > (without the spaces). Try it on your next owning of Jimmy Rabbitte. Cheers.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:18 p.m. CST

    You guys are cracking me up…

    by jimmy rabbitte

    …really.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Dirka Dirka: I hope you’re kidding.

    by FatPaul

    The website you’re thinking of was seagalology.com, and it was something some kid threw together in an afternoon.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:53 p.m. CST

    PS3 & Seagal : A perfect match

    by ZeroCorpse

    Both are bloated, overconfident losers with a diminishing fanbase.

  • May 23, 2008, 5:54 p.m. CST

    My God this is gay.

    by BetaRayBill07

    Marked For Death and the Under Siege movies- cool. Otherwise- lame. I’d fight him. Seriously…..I’d take him.

  • May 23, 2008, 6:06 p.m. CST

    BetaRay

    by Vern

    I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t. But either way please videotape it and upload it before June 30th.

  • May 23, 2008, 6:12 p.m. CST

    Hitting amazon now for this book…

    by ultragoregrind

    Vern you rule – i don’t know why i didn’t get this book sooner, but that sample chapter – pure gold.

  • May 23, 2008, 6:23 p.m. CST

    I Pay homage to him every time I flush the toilet

    by LargoJr

    Ever see the MST3K episode called ‘Time of the Apes’? The scene where the girl tries to hurry and Crow says “Walk like a duck!”… I ALWAYS think of Steven Seagal at that moment.

  • May 23, 2008, 6:25 p.m. CST

    …”think you better dial 9-1-1″…

    by jimmy rabbitte

    …best line reading from any movie ever…

  • May 23, 2008, 6:27 p.m. CST

    kudos again Vern

    by BadMrWonka

    I already have a PS3, but I might just have to make a video for fun, to be a part of this…
    and by the bye, you gotta love the talkbacker hate…you get a book published and people still talk shit. I’m a fan of yours and this site, and that’s why I’m here. when people seem to complain and hate on everything, you have to ask yourself…why are THEY her?

  • May 23, 2008, 6:47 p.m. CST

    Rather

    by MeshGearFoxx

    just buy a PS3. no offense.

  • May 23, 2008, 6:53 p.m. CST

    My homage is the movie he did w/

    by theonecalledshoe

    Kurt Russell. F*cking priceless exit. Y’all know which movie I’m talking about. Bye Segal! hah ha.

  • May 23, 2008, 7:12 p.m. CST

    wonka

    by Vern

    Yeah, I can’t really picture what goes through someone’s mind when they come across a contest they are not interested in and feel it is their duty to lodge a complaint. I’ve heard of “sense of entitlement” but it’s getting pretty ridiculous when people are outraged that a promo giveaway does not cater to their specific needs and interests. Next time I will ask them what book to write and what the contest should be and have them write the description and tell me what the prize should be and who should win and what color the package should be that I mail it in and what day of the week it should be postmarked.

    This is only one theory I have come up with and I haven’t really looked into it very thoroughly but I believe it is possible there are a few whiny fucking miserable humorless babies around here.

    Anyway, please enter my contest guys! Thanks a million!

  • May 23, 2008, 7:14 p.m. CST

    by the way

    by Vern

    the previous comments were provided for entertainment purposes only and do not reflect the opinions of Titan Books, Playstation 3, Tetris or M&Ms.

  • May 23, 2008, 7:16 p.m. CST

    SEAGALOGY

    by pikagreg

    apparently not available at my county library. i just tried to put a hold in for it, and it was not found. well, maybe they’ll get the yet-to-be-released special edition in.

  • May 23, 2008, 9:26 p.m. CST

    AWESOME. CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS BOOK!

    by justanothermoviefan

    Hopefully some people make some funny ass videos. I’m going to give it a shot, although I am a bit confused about the “principles of Seagalogy” being the main criteria having not yet read the book. But I’ve seen enough Seagal films to sort of understand. Good luck everyone.

  • May 23, 2008, 9:49 p.m. CST

    Game of Hard Boiled?

    by crayon

    Make it Hard Target and we’d be talking

  • May 23, 2008, 10:09 p.m. CST

    What exactly are the principles mentioned?

    by DrAndonuts

    I’m going to do a video, but I haven’t read the book yet, so I don’t know what the specific principles are. Any Cliffsnotes on that?

  • May 23, 2008, 10:26 p.m. CST

    Hey, AiCN staff!

    by jimmay

    Take note: Pondscum’s writeup on Steven Segal is the funniest and wittiest thing I’ve written on this site in at least a year. Give the guy a goddamn job. At least he’d be fresh and might write something more than once or twice a week.
    And another thing, I know this is the site for all flags of geekdom, and some of the crap us geeks gush over is generally viewed as filth by the whole of Western society, but Segal is unworthy of even the slightest attention. He’s a shady asshole that makes Van Damme look artistically vetted.

  • May 23, 2008, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Edit: Pondscum’s writeup is the funniest thing I’ve read

    by jimmay

    not written. I wish I wrote it.

  • May 23, 2008, 10:33 p.m. CST

    This is awesome I’m starting mine Monday

    by Bean_

    I’d do it tomorrow but I’m headed up for a NH roadtrip (even if gas is $4.30 a gallon, FUCK THE TERRORISTS I’M DRIVIN ANYWAY). But seriously thanks for the contest Vern, my brother and I will pay homage to Seagal’s prowess as a thumb-picking-rock-god.

  • May 23, 2008, 11:26 p.m. CST

    SEAGAL’S HAS A NEW PSA ABOUT BURMA

    by unitedfront

    see it here:

  • May 23, 2008, 11:49 p.m. CST

    Principles

    by Vern

    Don’t worry too much about the “principles of Seagalogy.” They didn’t want to say “recreate a Seagal scene” but you could do that, or you could do your own Seagal-type scene. Basically if you’re into his movies you know the kind of situations that come up, the kind of speeches that are made about how badass he is, or the little improvised political statements he makes. I will judge on how entertaining they are and if you include details that make it clear you’re really into those movies it will impress me. That’s all it means.

  • May 24, 2008, 12:03 a.m. CST

    Excellent.

    by DrAndonuts

    Thanks Vern. Can’t wait to pick up the book.

  • May 24, 2008, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Pondscum

    by Bilblow

    Under Siege 2 has the best villain of any SS film in the guise of the cunning and malevolent Travis Dane, played perfectly by Eric Bogosian.

    Under Siege 1 comes close sporting not one, but two badass villains, Gary Busey and Two Face. And Gary Busey’s character’s name is Krill. How can you NOT be a traitorous soilder when you have the name KRILL.

    Anyway, the point is, you are way off with the ‘total shit’ label.

  • May 24, 2008, 3:35 a.m. CST

    It’s not on the

    by ABVH

    aircraft carrier

  • May 24, 2008, 3:43 a.m. CST

    lipshitz

    by lipshitz

    lipshitz focuses on the way of the Dan. the way of true foolaccy foo.

    down with the doo doo to feel the full foo.

  • May 24, 2008, 4:30 a.m. CST

    It’s “Siege”. ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’.

    by Shan

    … well most of the time anyway. That’s all, carry on.

  • May 24, 2008, 4:55 a.m. CST

    I’ll wait for the movie adaptation

    by aboriginal

    Seriously, a new and revised edition of an homage to Seagal and his mysticism?

  • May 24, 2008, 5:04 a.m. CST

    Jesus Vern

    by David Cloverfield

    This site doesn’t deserve you. I’ve read through this and my suit is wet with talkbacker’s tears. It was never this bad. Whatever, I’m off to shoot a video.

  • May 24, 2008, 6:08 a.m. CST

    Steven fucking Seagal! UNDER SIEGE 3!!!

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    Please! $60 mill budget! With Snipes! Hard R! That would fucking rock!

  • May 24, 2008, 7:28 a.m. CST

    When do we get a Seagal/Van Damme movie?

    by Knuckleduster

    Come on, someone somewhere must have the money and resources to make this happen. I’d buy (no, wait… rent) the DVD just to see those two divas get into a behind-the-scenes catfight in the “making of”.

  • May 24, 2008, 8:25 a.m. CST

    UK/US only?

    by bazookajoe

    Weak. Van Damme weak.

  • May 24, 2008, 10:40 a.m. CST

    well said chocalate

    by memflix

    bitching and moaning is so much easier than actually putting forth an effort and doing something.

    If I had a decent cam, I’d enter. I remember sneaking in the movie theater with my best friend when we were 13 to see Out for Justice. We were at the age of discovering dick jokes and laughed for hours at the one liner when Seagal shoots Sadler in the crotch.

    If its TB love you seek Vern, just give the consoles away. They’ll put you on their shoulders and march you down the information superhighway.

  • May 24, 2008, 11:48 a.m. CST

    Bazooka Joe

    by Vern

    No, again, there is no rule that says you have to be in the UK or the US. That is an urban legend so please stop spreading it. And leave Van Damme out of this.

  • May 24, 2008, 12:39 p.m. CST

    Seeing Vern is a writter, and a fan of Steven Seagal

    by ingloriousjedi

    Vern should write a Steven Seagal movie script.

  • May 24, 2008, 3:19 p.m. CST

    fuck the haters Vern!

    by Cedar_Room

    you rule! If I was even remotely interested in the films of Steven Seagal I would totally enter this competition. Maybe even buy your book too. As it is i’ll just keep reading your reviews on the interwebs for free like the mooching little bastard I am Cheers.

  • May 24, 2008, 6:31 p.m. CST

    The winner should wear this…

    by Phantasy Menace

    http://www.jerkassclothing.com/shirtpage/flockofseagals.html

  • May 24, 2008, 10:11 p.m. CST

    “Under Siege” on A&E, even as I post.

    by kabong

    But my favorite scene, for all you members of Pope Vern’s Church of Seagal is in “Under Siege 2” when Steve twists a guy’s gun up under his chin and blows his brain out and says, “You pricks never learn.” Think about it. Think real hard.

  • May 25, 2008, 6:52 a.m. CST

    Steven Seagal,sad and fun history.

    by ColdNorway

    I have all of Steven Seagal`s movies up to Glimmer Man,and some of he`s later efforts.But I don`t know what happened in Steven`s life that made him put all that weight,personal problems or he just the fact that he loves food?

    Whatever the reason it was clearly beginning to show in the movie Under Siege from 1994.From that year he began to wear bigger cloths in an attempt to hide his ever growing belly.I`ve been a fan of his movies from the very beginning,and I still rent all his new DTV movies,but it saddens me to see the state he`s in.Yes I know he`s getting old,but come on ,it`s not like this happened over night.He had to see what was happening to him.To often he hasn`t the time,or the stamina, to execute the “stunts” of running or doing martial arts fighting ,so they use stunt people to get the necessary movie shots.Those scenes stick out just as bad as seeing a traditionally cloth Eskimo walking around in a jungle in Africa.Those scenes feature a phony looking Steven Seagal either being of Asian heritage or a white man being 40kg slimmer than the original man himself.I cringe each time I see this poor try of movie tricks.Stop it,please.

    Steven Seagal should stop trying to do martial arts all together and just use a shit load of weapons spraying bullets.He don`t have to loose weight to shoot guns,that is before his trigger finger get`s to fat.I hope that day will never come.

    As I already own a Playstation 3, but don`t own a camera, I`m not that sad for not being able to participate in this contest. I will buy the book made by Vern though,sounds like good reading.

    Good luck to all that makes a tribute video.

    Ps:Steven Seagal latest movies called Urban Justice and Pistol Whipped feature a more angry only shooting renegade type of character.I like this change,all though the bullets wounds were too bloody in Urban Justice,the director must have seen some old 60`s Japanese chambara movies with the traditional blood spewing geysirs.It was too much.

  • May 25, 2008, 7:07 a.m. CST

    I’ve read the book and yes, the world is now indeed a

    by Stuntcock Mike

    better place Vern. To celebrate, I’m going to watch Belly of the Beast for the third time.

  • May 25, 2008, 7:20 a.m. CST

    You run like a fat chick who’s shit her knickers.

    by seagrass

    That’s possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site. Well done, Pondscum.

  • May 25, 2008, 7:28 a.m. CST

    Busey = Krill

    by seagrass

    From wikipedia: “Excessive intake of okiami (krill) may cause diarrhea.”

  • May 25, 2008, 9:18 a.m. CST

    Cold Norway

    by FatPaul

    Eskimoes are not traditionally made out of cloth. That doesn’t even make any sense.

  • May 25, 2008, 12:33 p.m. CST

    Cold Norway

    by Vern

    I feel the opposite. I think Seagal needs to use more martial arts and less guns, which are always less interesting in action movies (well, with exceptions like HARD BOILED) and waste Seagal’s skills. You saw URBAN JUSTICE and PISTOL WHIPPED so you saw how he can still kick ass without obvious stunt doubles when they’re all willing to put in the effort to make a better movie.

    His early movies (which I call The Golden Era in my book) are his best, but personally I think he looks more intimidating when he’s bigger. Back then he was tall but skinny and didn’t seem that much bigger than everybody else. In BELLY OF THE BEAST he towers over everybody and looks like he could just rip their arms off like they were made out of candy canes. So maybe there is a happy in-between there somewhere. And his age should not prevent him because aikido was created by an old man as a way of neutralizing attacks from larger and stronger opponents.

    But I appreciate your point of view and I hope one of these days Seagal makes the one you’ve been hoping for whenever you rent those.

  • May 25, 2008, 12:43 p.m. CST

    Ah shit Bazooka Joe

    by Vern

    I was wrong, you were right. They have informed me that to enter your address has to be in the US or UK (and you have to be over 18). If anybody in other countries was already working on a video please email me at outlawvern (at) hotmail dot com and I’ll figure something out. And my apologies to Bazooka Joe for incorrectly correcting him.

  • May 25, 2008, 10:46 p.m. CST

    Steven Seagal is… COCKPUNCHER!!!

    by Catbarf the 12th

    Go to about 1 minute 7 seconds into the trailer…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W50IQ1tgj8o

  • May 25, 2008, 10:50 p.m. CST

    Cockpuncher Redux

    by Catbarf the 12th

    arrrgh the link is flaky… just google the trailer for “The Onion Movie” … kind of in the tradition of Kentucky Fried Movie…

  • May 26, 2008, 12:17 p.m. CST

    A contest for ALL THE WORLD!!! (to enter)

    by Rakafraker

    I have read the rules for all that have ignored reading them (or any of the previous posts for that matter) for whatever reason, and have found that you, too, can be eligible. No matter what country you live in!
    As long as you don’t break any laws inside that country’s governance.

    NOT JUST USA!!! HOO-RAY!!!

  • May 26, 2008, 12:28 p.m. CST

    And, just because…

    by Rakafraker

    …it may be legal in your country, there is no reason to include any unneccesarily lewd material in your submission. (If it’s neccesary, it’s probably OK though.)
    Consider yourself warned by YouTube themselves!

  • May 26, 2008, 1:43 p.m. CST

    William Shatner pooped out Steven Seagal..

    by malificus

    …after a particularly greasy plate of twelve meat lasagna and shortly before deflowering Kirstie Alley in her prime on the set of Wrath of Kahn. Stevens done pretty good for himself for sure, but give it up for the original pan-galactic ass-kicker.

  • May 26, 2008, 3:31 p.m. CST

    But which PS3?

    by Ckuouka

    Is it the 40gig kinda sucky model that only plays ps1 and ps3 games and only comes with a Sixaxis controller or is it the awesome 80 gig one that plays also ps2 games and comes with Metal Gear Solid 4 and a dualshock 3 controller?

  • May 26, 2008, 4:01 p.m. CST

    Answers to FatPaul and Vern.

    by ColdNorway

    To FatPaul

    My bad.I messed up that sentence,I was actually trying say:”a traditionally DRESSED Eskimo”.

    I was tired and made the mistake of posting the very first draft of my comment.As you may have seen through my writing,English isn`t my mother tongue,and the school days of English grammar study is long gone.

    I usually begin with a super fast written comment ,then I do scan for typos and crappy writing.Don`t expect miracles though,I still mess up.Please give me some slack man,I`m a fresh meat on this site.

    To Vern.

    Ok so Steven Seagal can still somehow both kick and punch,but the directors should make the effort to show that it`s actually Steven Seagal doing the fighting.Most of the time we see a tight frame setup of a foot kicking some dude,but the rest of the body belonging to the foot isn`t shown in the same frame.So I still expect stunt people doing the actually leg work in his movies.Hey see that I did there?Leg work,man that`s a bad joke.

    I`m not trying to scold Steven Seagal,I love the guy,he looks like the real McCoy when he uses guns,why keep trying to show off martial arts skills when they feel out of place these days?

    Another problem I have is his “need” to kiss or do a lovemaking scene with women that just hit the 20 years old mark.I mean,come on who wouldn`t like to drool over a barley legal half naked Asian chick,but seeing it done by him gross me out.If he carved her up and used her entrails as rope for a action scene I wouldn`t care one bit,but those love scenes are a true nightmare to look at.It`s then I sometimes says to myself:”Gee it`s too bad I`m not blind ,that would have save me from having the lovemaking of Steven Seagal forever etched into my mind.”

    My main reason for hoping he would stop doing martial arts in movies, is his new way of fighting off blows to his face/upper body in movies like Half Past Dead.As the camera way to often is set up like viewing through the eyes of the enemy, we see Steven Seagal in full frame flapping his arms around in front of his face as if he was trying to fight off a swarm of killer bees.It cracks me up each time,it looked way better in the old days of Under Siege as the camera was set to for a side view of the fighting.Putting the camera in front of Steven also makes it look like he has no space to move his arms around,as he way to often pulls back his head while flapping his arms around,it makes it look like he has no chin at all.Sorry for being so blunt.

    Man this ended up looking like a rant,but I`m actually a big fan of his work and sad the way directors make him look nowadays.

  • May 27, 2008, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Vern, I haven’t read your book, but I enjoy your reviews

    by Drunken Rage

    Remember that article about Seagal in “Spy” mag about 10 years ago? It was an eye-opener.

  • May 27, 2008, 4:39 p.m. CST

    Can I have a PS3 AND the book?

    by GilbertRSmith

    Or should I just try to make sure my video is only the second best entry?

  • May 27, 2008, 5:33 p.m. CST

    Are multiple submissions allowed?

    by GilbertRSmith

    I have a few ideas I want to do.

  • May 27, 2008, 5:34 p.m. CST

    Uh nevermind, I missed that in the rules

    by GilbertRSmith

    Yes they are.

  • June 8, 2008, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Rock you like a hurricane…

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    Oh man, this contest is about to get rocked.

    A group of badasses just filmed this morning to win the gold, and it’s going to shock/rock you all.

  • June 8, 2008, 6:28 p.m. CST

    Assuming that’s a Hokuto no Ken reference in your name…

    by GilbertRSmith

    I’m inclined to believe I’m in for some stiff competition. I’ve still got some more tricks up my sleeve though.

  • June 8, 2008, 8:11 p.m. CST

    Get ready.

    by DrAndonuts

    Our video is going up in T-minus an hour, and minds across the nation will be blown.

  • June 9, 2008, 12:08 a.m. CST

    Suburban Justice

    by DrAndonuts

    Video’s up. Let me know what you guys think.

  • June 9, 2008, 2:45 a.m. CST

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    Kenshiro is the dude from Hokuto no Ken, duder. Kenshin is the legendary wandering swordsman.

    I will say one thing though, as far as winning this contest…

    You’re already dead.

  • June 9, 2008, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Kenshin and Suburban Justice

    by GilbertRSmith

    Ah, not sure how I misread that.

    Anyway, I just put my second video up and I got two or three more.

    Suburban Justice is pretty cool. I’d only advise trimming it down a bit. It’s full of cool shit, but it’s also got a bunch of moments where not much is happening, so just condense that down into something just long enough to contain the action and the funny dialog and provide a cohesive story. Vern is going to be watching dozens and dozens of these, and I bet a dollar that most of them will try to fill the whole five minutes. What I mean is, he’s probably going to get pretty bored looking at a bunch of mediocre, dragass entries, and he’ll probably wind up longing for something that doesn’t try his patience.

    But that’s just what I’m assuming. I mean, I almost dozed off watching the Lightning Bolt Energy Drink video, and that was a good video, just it was three minutes longer than the director’s material demanded.

    Maybe I shouldn’t be giving my trade secrets away, but I think Suburban Justice is taking the early lead, and its chances at winning will double if you just trim the fat.

  • June 9, 2008, 9:39 a.m. CST

    @GilbertRSmith

    by DrAndonuts

    Yeah, I thought it ran a bit long, too. I think I’m going to cut the first scene, the piano playing part.

    We thought it was funny that a villain would be playing piano before a meeting, but I think the transition was awkward between that and the first monologue.

    Thanks for the feedback.

  • June 9, 2008, 1:02 p.m. CST

    There we go.

    by DrAndonuts

    I cut off the first piano scene (which was a whopping 35 seconds-ish) and a few other edits. I think it’s better.

  • June 9, 2008, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Piano Scene

    by GilbertRSmith

    Yeah it moves a lot faster now.

    The Piano scene was amusing, but it did seem to add a little extra weight between hitting play and seeing the first action scene. I’m always having to cut my favorite scenes from my videos.

  • June 21, 2008, 8:43 p.m. CST

    Hottest new Seagalogy vid

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR_2SGlhsUo

    I’m one of the doods involved in this masterwork.

    Enjoy, ho ho…

  • June 21, 2008, 11:53 p.m. CST

    Woop

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=aR_2SGlhsUo

  • June 21, 2008, 11:54 p.m. CST

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=aR_ 2SGlhsUo

    by Psycho_Kenshin

  • June 21, 2008, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Oh my

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    A demon is putting spaces in these links, but tonight… we dine in hell!

  • June 22, 2008, 8:58 a.m. CST

    Not bad

    by GilbertRSmith

    My money’s still on Suburban Justice, because it has the most charmingly low-rent action, but we’ll see.

  • June 22, 2008, 4:47 p.m. CST

    Ditto.

    by DrAndonuts

    Little long, but enjoyable. I’ve still got a soft spot for Gilbert’s Dozen Nut Kick, though.

  • June 22, 2008, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Thanks

    by GilbertRSmith

    I was expecting a dozen boring five minute long shorts, and I was trying to set my entry apart by making it short and funny, but Suburban Justice is undeniably charming, and that might be a more advantageous edge.

  • July 1, 2008, 6:28 a.m. CST

    Solarized

    by deciple87

    My entry for the contest.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v= P0KQBHHqNaA

  • July 1, 2008, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Solarized

    by DrAndonuts

    haha, I really enjoyed that. Was that you playing the director? Whoever he was, he was very funny. Like the storyboards too.

    Great job.

  • July 1, 2008, 2:55 p.m. CST

    DrAndonuts

    by deciple87

    Yeah, that was me. I wanted to try something different than just filming something in my house with my friends.

    I had rented a sound stage with 2 HD cameras for the day, and I was done with my other project so the owner of the studio and I sat down and made this. I have to really give credit to him too, because he did all of the green screen work and making the storyboards move.

    All in all, I’m happy with it, and I had a lot of fun making it.

  • July 3, 2008, 8:25 a.m. CST

    sexy and beautiful are here ,view me right now!!

    by sugarbess

    It is a exciting news. It is said that many celebrities from all over the world such as AUSTINE, BECHAM,BRINTY and so on pay visits to film MV. Further more they delived thier hot profiles on wealthybeauty.com. Is that a rumor or a truth?

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 at 12:52 pm and is filed under AICN, Blog Post (short for weblog). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

2 Responses to “Vern wants you to Pay Homage to the Man With The Ponytail… Steven Seagal! And get a PLAYSTATION 3 for the effort!”

  1. Vern, did anybody win the PS3? Are the videos anywhere on-line?

    Also, I came across this video today and it’s pretty great.

    Stephen Tobolowsky on working with Steven Seagal

    Watch Tobolowsky’s latest movie: theprimaryinstinct.com For licensing and media inquiries, go to http://www.cut.com/licensing Produced, directed, and edited ...

  2. Vern, if you never gave away the PS3, I’ll glady accept it on their behalf.

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