Archive for 2008

12/31/08

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Happy New Year everybody. That 2008 was a doozy, wasn’t it? In 2009 I plan to continue my vow of excellence. My resolution this year will be to sharpen my deadly writing skills by trying out some of the ol’ fiction. I will finish the novel I’ve been secretly working on forever and then I will write an action script like people often suggest I should do. Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to like them. You can tell me if they suck. And they won’t get in the way of my real mission. I have plenty of works of the criticism planned too.

Now for good luck let’s welcome the new year in style by discussing Clint M.F. Eastwood’s GRAN TORINO.

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Gran Torino

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Holy shit, I think I knew this before, but Clint Eastwood is the greatest movie star of all time. How is it possible that a guy who 40 years ago starred in some of the best westerns ever, and 30 years ago starred in some of the best cop movies ever, and 15 years ago directed and starred in the (deserving) winner of the best picture Oscar (another one of the best westerns ever), and in this decade is still going strong as a unique and sometimes great director of serious movies, and yet ALSO chose to direct and star in this humble little slice of moving dramedy with a side of good old fashioned ass kicking? Answer: it is not possible. But Clint doesn’t believe in impossible so he did those things anyway. Also he was mayor once. And plays piano. And sang the theme song for this one.

I think probaly most people want Clint to keep doing those Oscar bait movies. I liked MILLION DOLLAR BABY (another best picture, not even the one I referred to before) and I get why people like MYSTIC RIVER, and I thought LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA was great. But as good of a director as he is I think Clint Eastwood the movie star is an even more valuable treasure to the world, so I’m happy he’s still willing to throw us one of these. The older and gruffer he gets the cooler he gets, so he should stay on camera.

It’s amazing to think that Clint’s old-man-looking-back phase has been able to last 15 years already, starting with UNFORGIVEN and including IN THE LINE OF FIRE and BLOODWORK. And this one might be his most direct old man statement. This movie is entirely about him being a grumpy old bastard grimacing at the state of the world and trying to write the last chapter of his life, possibly with twist ending. He actually says “Get off my lawn” in this movie, and not to be funny. (more…)

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Posted in Drama, Reviews | 8 Comments »

12/28/08

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

I don’t think I’ve ever reviewed a script before, but if there’s gonna be a first time it might as well be Stallone’s THE EXPENDABLES. In other Dolph Lundgren coverage I got him versus Van Damme in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. I also wrote about GINGERDEAD MAN 2: THE PASSION OF THE CRUST. I wanted to review that one for Christmas time but the movie bummed me out so I decided not to post it until now.

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Vern has read Stallone’s The Expendables

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

Usually I don’t write much about a movie before it’s made, because I prefer movies that exist. Every once in a while somebody sends me a script like LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD or RAMBO, but I usually ignore them. I would rather watch the finished movie and not know what the original plan was. And to be honest I’m not sure how qualified I am to tell you about the meal based on the recipe. But THE EXPENDABLES – a Sylvester Stallone action ensemble picture where he will write, direct and then star alongside Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Forest Whitaker and Randy Couture – is a big fuckin deal among those of us who love the action cinema of the ’80s and ’90s. We can’t help but dream about this one like nerds once dreamed of Star Wars prequels or new outfits for their limited edition Serenity dolls so they can act out what would’ve happened in the second season. So when Stallone’s script fell into my lap this time I couldn’t resist.

By the way I would like to take a moment to welcome A.B. King to the talkback. Welcome, A.B.

The ragtag team of the title are a group of elite mercenary badasses – at one point described as “totally prepared to die in a blaze of glory” – hired to take out a dictator in the South American country of Corza. I do not have an opinion on what’s going on in Corza because I believe it is a fictional country, but if in fact they’re real I’m against them. They got all kinds of human rights violations and shit. No good.

Of course, the mission is not necessarily what it seems, there may or may not be some doublecrosses and deceits, etc. (more…)

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Universal Soldier

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

In the ’80s Sylvester Stallone took action movies through a whole cycle of American self esteem issues. In FIRST BLOOD he dealt with Vietnam vets coming home and feeling abandoned. In FIRST BLOOD PART 2 he actually flew back to Vietnam, discovered the war was not quite wrapped up yet, and took home the gold with an amazing hail mary pass to save the POWs. In ROCKY IV he moved on to the Cold War and sewed that one up through a sporting event. Only in 1991 did notorious shitmakers Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin dig up Stallone’s ROCKY IV enemy Dolph Lundgren, pit him against Jean-Claude Van Damme, and cut into those Vietnam wounds again. You know, for a super soldier movie. Don’t worry, it’s not exploitative. They’re artists.

What did happen to all those MIAs in Vietnam? FIRST BLOOD II said some were still alive, being tortured by sadistic Viet Cong who’ve yet to move on with their lives. UNIVERSAL SOLDIER posits that they were killed in action and their bodies were experimented on by Jerry Orbach, who resuscitated them as mindless super soldiers with super-healing powers when kept at low temperatures.

Dolph plays a sergeant gone nuts, wearing a necklace of ears and trying to get Jean-Claude to kill some villagers. Jean-Claude tries to save them, he and Dolph shoot each other and their bodies are donated to science. One great touch: closeups of their faces being zipped into body bags before each of their names on the credits.

So in the early ’90s they’re alive again, wearing camcorder eyepieces and raiding a terrorist takeover at a dam. Jean-Claude starts to have memories from ‘Nam and fails to take his regular injection. Then when a reporter (Ally Walker, later of THE PROFILER) is sneaking around the base there’s basically a repeat of the past: Dolph kills an innocent, Jean-Claude disobeys orders to protect one. He goes on the run and the movie is basically a cross-country chase with Jean-Claude trying to find out who he is and Dolph and the Universal Soldiers (including Ralph Moeller and Tiny Lister) trying to kill him. There’s plenty of kicking (including a bar fight), a bus flipping, some guns, explosions, gore. Jean-Claude shows his ass again but does not do the splits. (more…)

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Posted in Action, Reviews | 2 Comments »

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

The concept of THE GINGERDEAD MAN is basically “Chucky, but a gingerbread man instead of a doll.” It takes part 2 about three minutes worth of recapping and rhyming narration to explain that in the sequel. But to be fair the goal is not so much to catch the audience up to speed as to pad it out to be longer than an hour so it seems like a real movie almost.

With an ingeniously stupid premise like this, there are a million hilarious ways to do a sequel. Instead they chose to do the old “monster attacks people making a horror movie” route already done much better in SEED OF CHUCKY. If you got the same premise for part 2 as another series had for part 5 then you should probaly do it better, right? Well, that wouldn’t be the Full Moon way.

I know, I know. What do I expect out of part 2 of THE GINGERDEAD MAN? The premise is ridiculous, the first one is barely even a movie, and this is part 2. But you’re forgetting, this is me you’re talking to. I love this kind of shit. I know in my heart that this can and should be a hilarious movie. But the best way to do it is more serious. The humor is already there in the premise. In order to make it funny you have to swallow your pride and pretend you think you are making a serious horror movie. But they don’t have the balls to do that, they gotta keep pointing out that they’re in on the joke. Hey guys, hey nudge nudge remember this is all jokes, right? Ha ha we’re laughing too you’re not laughing at us. (more…)

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Posted in Horror, Reviews | 1 Comment »

Special Forces

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

SPECIAL FORCES is part of the AMERICAN HEROES series which, as I’m sure you are all very aware, are unrelated Nu-Image action movies each spotlighting the heroism of one branch in the American military. So I hope I’m not unpatriotic for watching it for its Israeli director Isaac Florentine and British co-star Scott Adkins. I’ve written about these guys before – Florentine is the director of such movies as UNDISPUTED II and THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL, while Adkins is the co-star of movies ranging from UNDISPUTED II to THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL. Okay, so they aren’t making classics yet, but they’re some of the only reliable individuals I’ve found in the world of DTV action. They always seem like they’re trying.

A journalist taking pictures of atrocities in the in my opinion fictional former Soviet republic of Muldonia is taken hostage by some sadistic military assholes. One looks like a regular-sized Jaws from James Bond, but with grey hair, the other looks like the comedian Emo Philips wearing a beret. The second one is one of those villains you’re supposed to hate extra for his stupid haircut and hat, and the way he turns his nose up at everything. We should have enough to hate him for just with the atrocities he’s committed but we still find ourselves thinking “I hate him, he’s so stuck up!”

Anyway they send in a special forces team (okay, now I get that title) led by Major Don Harding (Marshall Teague), who actually had his whole platoon killed by these same pricks in Bosnia, but he insists he’s too professional to let it get personal. (more…)

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Posted in Action, Reviews | 15 Comments »

12/21/08

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

The twelve days of Van Damme continues with a quick take on DEATH WARRANT. Also I recently reviewed the upcoming Seagal vs. vampires picture AGAINST THE DARK.

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Death Warrant

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

This is the early Van Damme picture that was written by David S. Goyer of BLADE fame. I know that guy has gotten some shit since he directed BLADE 3 and it wasn’t as good as the other two, but I give him credit. Sure, his directing needs work, but BLADE 1-2 are A+ action screenplays with the ideal balance of humor, brooding, swagger, mythological mumbo jumbo and pitch perfect build to moments of badass payoff and clever action scenes. Plus he worked on DARK CITY and BATMAN BEGINS, and I say anyone who works with Chris Nolan but also wrote a movie for Van Damme is worthy of respect.

In this one Van Damme plays a cop from Quebec (they always gotta have a different excuse for his accent) who puts five shots in a serial killer called The Sandman, then gets sent on a mission undercover in a prison to investigate mysterious inmate murders. Robert Guillame plays his best friend in prison, and I’m not sure how BENSON ended but he must’ve been up on some serious corruption charges to wind up in this place. He also got stabbed in the eye so he looks like a kindly, smaller Tiny Lister.

Prison movies are usually mighty Christian – they forgive most of the characters even though they did bad things. And they always have segregated gangs but the hero proves his worth to one of the other races and then they have his back. So Van Damme is down with the blacks more than the white dude with the mohawk and the names of his kills tattooed on the side. All prison movies are kind of the same but this one has the advantage of a hero who can do a spinkick during a mess hall tussle. That’s a good one. The murder plot is pretty funny too, it involves organ smuggling. As much as I talked up Goyer as a writer a few paragraphs ago I do have to admit he disappointed me with his restraint here. Van Damme gets a physical and they point out he has a rare blood type. That seems like it could only possibly be there to set up some ludicrous reason why a rare blood type is needed, but sadly they let that one go. (To be fair it isn’t as out of place as the titanium knee in Seagal’s undercover-in-prison movie HALF PAST DEAD). (more…)

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Against the Dark

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

Vern Vs. Seagal Vs. Vampires In AGAINST THE DARK!!

Over my several years as a rising Seagalogist I have been asked many times who would win in a fight between Seagal and Van Damme. I have also been asked who would win between Seagal and Bruce Lee. I have never been asked who would win between Seagal and vampires, but I know now that the answer is Sea(SPOILER)gal. But this is also one of those whoever-wins-we-lose type scenarios because, I’m sorry to report, AGAINST THE DARK may be the least interesting movie Seagal has ever made.

Some might disagree. Many who don’t like Seagal’s movies criticize him for the exact reason why I think he’s interesting: he keeps making the same type of movie over and over again. To me it’s the perfecting, tinkering, and slow evolution of that formula that makes the movies cool. You don’t listen to blues to hear brand new riffs. Still, it SEEMS like it would be interesting to see his first attempt at a horror movie. But let’s be honest, nobody’s expecting it to work as a horror movie, and it doesn’t. So it should be a real Seagal movie, but it isn’t. It’s a shitty Sci-Fi-Channel-worthy vampire siege movie where one of the characters happens to be played by Seagal. And not even the main character.

For better or worse it is a landmark in Seagalogy. As my fellow scholars know, Seagal has tried at least twice to dip his toes into genre movies. SUBMERGED was filmed as a movie about mutants on a sub, ended up being about mind control. ATTACK FORCE was supposed to be about an alien invasion but was released as a story about stylish European gangsters on performance enhancing drugs. Producers resisted and made them science-fictionless in postproduction. Now Seagal has succeeded, he has faced (sort of) vampires. (more…)

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Posted in Action, Reviews, Seagal | 8 Comments »

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