Archive for July, 2006

Firestorm

Sunday, July 30th, 2006

This is a pretty enjoyable, totally forgettable action movie directed by Dean Semler, a cinematographer who also directed Steven Seagal’s historic first DTV picture THE PATRIOT. The star is Howie Long, formerly of the Oakland Raiders, currently of the Radio Shack commercials. After a supporting role in BROKEN ARROW they tried to give him the football-star-to-action-star transition like they did to Brian Bosworth. The Boz never caught on big, but he was able to continue starring in DTV movies for several years after STONE COLD. Things didn’t work out that way for Howie, and this is his only starring role. I was gonna say he was more comparable to Lyle Alzado, but I just looked up Lyle and he’s starred in more than I realized. So I don’t know who he’s comparable to.

Anyway, Howie’s movie career was not a success, that is if you define success as “the ability to make enough money that they can keep making action movies starring this particular football player.” That never happened, but as far as I’m concerned he is successful in this movie. He’s square but likable and I guess it’s just nice to see a capable hero you haven’t seen a million times before.

Another thing that makes the movie unique is that it’s about fire fighters instead of cops. It makes for a movie somewhat less violent than you might usually want (his talent isn’t for killing, it’s the opposite), but it works. Howie is part of an elite team of fire fighters who parachute into the middle of forest fires. The overly serious text at the beginning tells us that there are 400 of them total and that “These elite men and women are called smokejumpers.” They don’t have water hoses or anything (too bad, I wanted to see an action scene where he blasts people with water) but they have axes and chain saws and they just run around and help people who are trapped. Or they start other fires to strategically control the already burning fire. Or whatever. I suppose they are colleagues of Seagal’s character Forrest Taft from ON DEADLY GROUND. But they can fly. (more…)

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Wassup Rockers

Saturday, July 29th, 2006

I enjoy a good pervy Larry Clark movie, but I don’t know many people who do. But never fear. I am here to tell you that this is his most accessible because it’s a whole movie based around how likable the characters are instead of how despicable they are. You actually root for these guys. It’s incredible.

I’m not gonna lie to you. You still gotta get past the fact that Larry Clark is a creepy, dirty pervert. This movie opens with a video interview of one of its young stars that has the vibe of that infamous Calvin Klein kiddie porn commercial (in other words, this is a film by Larry Clark). The interview itself is great because the kid, Jonathan, is a non-actor talking about his life and some of the things he talks about we end up seeing re-enacted in the movie later. But you might be a little uncomfortable with the fact that he’s sitting on a bed with no shirt on talking to Larry Clark. Not the most savory individual to be hanging out in a kid’s bedroom.

And then the movie starts and you get a bunch of shots of these teens waking up in their boxers, lifting weights. There is an extreme closeup of one kid’s mustache that then goes down to show one hair growing out of his nipple. You know, to illustrate his burgeoning manhood. Totally legitimate. There’s not nearly as much of this kind of stuff as in his other movies, but I wish he would’ve left it out completely this time, because it’s not as much what the story’s about. You could make a good argument for all the ass and crotch shots in BULLY putting the viewer into the minds of the characters (I probaly argued exactly that when I reviewed BULLY back then). But this is a different kind of story so the sleaziness seems out of place. This guy could do MARCH OF THE PENGUINS 2 he’d still figure out a way to a show a close up of a young person’s ass or crotch.

And later there’s a scene where a gay fashion designer tries to spy (through a keyhole!) on Jonathan while he pees and the guy is punished by falling down a flight of stairs, possibly to his demise. And you can’t help but think Larry, Larry, Larry. Who are you to point fingers? You think I haven’t seen a PAL-DVD import of KEN PARK where you filmed that 18-year-old-playing-a-kid jerking off to a tennis match and cumming all over himself? You’re dealing with a professional here Larry, you can’t pull the wool over my eyes. (more…)

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Lady in the Water

Tuesday, July 25th, 2006

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S LADY IN THE WATER
a bedtime story by M. Night Shyamalan
directed by M. Night Shyamalan
produced by M. N. Shyamalan
written by M. Night Shyamalan
co-starring M. Night Shyamalan
inspired by the true adventures of M. Night Shyamalan
dedicated to M. Night

The movie I really wanted to watch this week was WASSUP ROCKERS, but for some reason it went straight to the second run theater in Seattle. That theater’s a little out of the way for me and today I just wanted somewhere nearby with some air conditioning, so instead of seeing Larry Clark ogle Hispanic skateboarders from Compton I got to see M. Night Shyamalan ogling Ron Howard’s daughter. I’m not sure which one’s freakier.

The advertisements say that LADY IN THE WATER is “a bedtime story by M. Night Shyamalan” which is a nicer way of saying “he made this shit up as he went along so it doesn’t make any god damn sense and it doesn’t matter because the whole point of it is to put you to sleep.” And now that I think about it there actually was a dude snoring in front of me (no lie) so Shyamalan must know what he’s doing.

I actually think Shyamalan is a real good director, at least when he’s working with Bruce. SIGNS was a little too goofy for me, and I didn’t see that last one (maybe that’s why I still like him). But I like his filmatism – his pacing, his deliberate camera moves, etc. On most of his movies he has this very serious tone and you feel like he’s in total control of what’s on screen, showing you the best angle to watch things from, making the right part of the screen be bright red or whatever, getting good quiet acting performances out of Bruce and that little Haley Joel Osment dude. But those movies were directed by the old “guy who got lucky and got to work with Bruce” Shyamalan, this is the new Shyamalan who thinks he’s a fuckin rock star, makes credit card commercials about his brilliant imagination and casts himself in this movie in a major role as the savior of humanity, wearing a hip shirt. Rock Star Shyamalan doesn’t seem to have the same control over the movie, he’s too busy making googly eyes trying to look sensitive to give as much of a shit about a story and characters and where to put the camera as he used to. (more…)

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7/22/06

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

I got a groundbreaking new review/essay for you entitled TORQUE and the rise of the American Furious Movement. So you might want to get that Exceptional Achievement in Criticism award ready for me.

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Torque

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

and the rise of the American Furious Movement

TORQUE is the most spectacularly ridiculous movie I’ve seen in a while, making even 2 FAST, 2 FURIOUS seem pretty reasonable and down to earth. The movie opens with a shot of a tortoise standing between two street race cars at a starting line. The cars take off down a dusty road at impossible speeds. Suddenly, reflected in one car’s rear-view mirror, is some dude on a motorcycle. He has a hard time passing the cars but once he does he does a big wheelie and leaves them in the dust. A street sign spins uncontrollably in the wake of the motorcycle creating the illusion that it says “CARS SUCK.” And from there we cut to the opening credits.

You hear that, FAST AND THE FURIOUS? The gauntlet has been thrown down. Cars suck, motorcycles rule. Or own. Or whatever it’s called now. In case FAST AND THE FURIOUS came into the movie late though, because it was out in the lobby text messaging somebody, there is a part later on where the hero says, “I live life a quarter mile at a time,” and his girlfriend says, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” These movies may start some kind of deadly motorcycles vs. cars feud, but they’re both from the same producer, Neal H. Moritz.

The hero is named Ford, but Ice Cube (as Trey, the leader of Inglewood’s black motorcycle gang The Reapers) prefers to call him “the white boy” or “Dawson’s Creek.” I’m not sure what they were thinking having the blandest possible white man as the hero and asking the audience to root against Ice Cube, but that’s what they did. Martin Henderson, the Kiwi former soap star who plays Ford, makes Paul Walker seem like fuckin Al Pacino. He wears a Ramones t-shirt as some sort of a vague hint that he has a personality. Cube does all right, scowling and being pissed off all the time, though he doesn’t seem as tough when he’s wearing a leather biker jacket with sponsorship logos on it. He does have a dog named Dojo who he refers to by name alot. (more…)

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Action Jackson

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Every once in a while I’ll get in a gentlemanly argument with a motherfucker about whether Michael Bay single-handedly ruined the future of action cinema forever, or whether he’s just an asshole. And invariably a Bay-defender will claim that although his movies are not fun to watch and you don’t know what’s going on while you watch them, Michael Bay “blows things up real good.” I think the idea is supposed to be that Regular Folk like to watch a big fiery explosion with no brains involved and if you got a problem with that you must be some kind of snob.

Well I am not a snob and I think you guys know that. The problem is that in my opinion he DOES NOT blow things up good. He blows things up and then by the camera placement and quick cuts forces us to wonder whether we are in fact watching an explosion or a closeup of Billy Bob Thornton’s shoe or perhaps the reflection off a bead of sweat dripping down Josh Hartnett’s adam’s apple.

So let me tell you who blows things up good: Craig R. Baxley. He’s a stunt co-ordinator (he did THE WARRIORS) turned director. He first directed on THE DUKES OF HAZZARD but ACTION JACKSON is his first theatrical work.

Carl Weathers plays Jericho “Action” Jackson, a Detroit police sergeant recently demoted from Lietenant. Why was he demoted? BECAUSE HE RIPPED A GUY’S ARM OFF. That is how you know this is gonna be at least an okay movie. Even better, he defends his action by saying, “He had a spare.” The bad guy is the one-armed man’s dad, Craig T. Nelson from COACH, and you know he’s a bad guy because he’s got Al Leong (DIE HARD) as his limo driver. Just like you know Action is a cop because he has Bill Duke as his boss. (more…)

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The Punisher (1989)

Monday, July 17th, 2006

Two years ago, I saw and accidentally enjoyed the 2004 movie THE PUNISHER starring Thomas Jane. It was another attempt at a movie version of some Marvel Comics Book which had once been made by none other than Dolph Lundgren. After I saw that movie, I wrote a review (see below), then I looked into the eyes of the universe and I made a solemn vow that one day maybe I would see the Dolph Lundgren version, who knows.

Well today I saw Dolph’s version and I’m here to report that it’s okay. I liked Thomas’s version the best but this one definitely has its moments. Like the 2004 one, this is definitely more in the action movie/vigilante style than some kind of Batman or Superman deal. The main comic book element is that Punisher lives in the sewers and has tunnels to bring him everywhere. Also he has a wacky sidekick who is some kind of homeless guy who always claims to be a theater actor, and who always rhymes.

One nice touch is that at the start of the movie Punisher has already been the Punisher for ten years and has killed 125 people or something. So you don’t have to bother with the whole explanation of how he starts out and everything. The movie begins with a news report about how the guy who killed former cop Frank Castle’s family has now been exonerated by the justice system. A reporter asks this bastard if maybe he is worried about this Punisher guy who has been killing all his mob associates. He says no and dares the Punisher to come within a thousand yards of him.

But of course the Punisher is sitting nearby on his motorcycle. We don’t see his face but we know it’s him by the shot of a boot with knives attached to it. He follows the guy home and kills off his bodyguards while he’s getting out the champagne. This is a fun scene because you never see the Punisher, he’s like some unseen force throwing knives and shit. My favorite is when he nimbly tosses a noose around a guy’s neck from a balcony above and lifts him up. (more…)

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7/16/06

Sunday, July 16th, 2006

A couple World Badass Committee updates. First of all, I’m still calculating the Badass 100 totals. Thank you for your patience. Second of all, WBC member representing the UK Paul T. wrote to me about DIE HARD 4 and he’s pretty worried about this one due to the combination of the director and the story details that have been discussed (computer hackers). He writes:

“I think your review of Underworld 2 hit the nail on the head. This kid does not have the sand to make a worthy Die Hard.

So, who does?

I think some sort of official survey/petition should be spearheaded by the international baddass collective. Call upon the wise and true visitors to your sight and rally them to the cause: ‘Save John McClane’.

Once a suitable momentum has gathered we can recruit the foaming-mouthed beserkers of AICN to our quest.

If not us, who?

If not now, when?

We can’t be good germans and just allow this atrocity to come to pass without an iconoclastic shout of protest.

We owe John that at least.”

Well I’m not sure I’m the one to organize something like that, but I do wonder what everybody’s thoughts are. First of all, do you think this guy might be able to pull it off, but more importantly, who would you rather have in the director’s chair, if it’s not McTiernan? I haven’t thought of anybody yet. If you got any ideas, let me know.

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Underworld Evolution

Saturday, July 15th, 2006

This is part 2 of the Underworld saga and unfortunately I’m less sold on this Len Wiseman individual after part 2. I gotta admit, I had hopes for this one. From the trailers it looked more exciting than the first one. I thought maybe after a little practice and with a bigger budget this guy was gonna make a movie that was more fun. Now I’m not gonna say that Len Wiseman has destroyed my faith in the human spirit and man’s knack for overcoming obstacles with innovation and hardwork, but the guy was definitely trying to. We, as a people, can do better than this.

This is one of those rare part 2s where if you haven’t seen the first one, you will have no clue what in fuck’s name is going on. Also, if you have seen the first one, even if you have seen it recently, and if you are me, you also will have no clue what in fuck’s name is going on. The movie starts with a long flashback to 1602 or something, where you find out all this new information about how there were two twin brothers who were the first vampire and first werewolf and the werewolves were attacking villages so the vampires were trying to kill the first werewolf and then they caught him and his brother didn’t want to kill him on account of them being brothers but the vampires were assholes and got mad so they locked the werewolf brother away forever.

Then it goes into a montage of clips from part 1 and Kate Beckinsale’s character Selene has some narration explaining to you everything that happened in that one. At the time, when I watched it, I felt like I understood what happened, but now that I have seen this montage I’m pretty sure I got no clue what this is all about. Something about vampires, werewolves, a guy named Viktor, an ancient war, some fire maybe, possibly magical crystals or dragons, the hybrid species of vampire and werewolf, maybe swords, who knows.

So the movie hasn’t even started, I’m already lost, and then it seems like virtually the entire god damn running time of the movie is devoted to people standing around talking about yet more backstory. They spend so much time talking about the backstory that there’s not much time for actual story. “Ah, you THOUGHT this is what happened hundreds of years ago, but actually THIS is what happened hundreds of years ago. Here is an engraving of it. And wait until you hear about THIS thing that happened which is equally monumental. And THIS!” (more…)

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2 Fast 2 Furious

Friday, July 7th, 2006

I recently saw and enjoyed THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS PRESENTS TOKYO DRIFT, part 3 in the FAST AND THE FURIOUS saga. And it reminded me that it was time I got around to seeing part 2. This one is closer to a straightup sequel. They couldn’t get Vin Diesel to return so instead they just follow Paul Walker’s character.

I know that probaly all of you have seen that first movie over a thousand times and have it memorized backwards, forwards and sideways, but in case there is one person out there who may not be familiar with the story, I want to help that one person out. In the first movie, Paul Walker is a new street racer in town who befriends Vin Diesel, who is the charismatic leader of a team of racers, but is also leading a gang of armed robbers or a chop shop or arms dealers or kidnappers or something. And a ways into the movie you find out that Paul is actually an undercover cop trying to bust Vin. But throughout the movie they have a special sort of male bonding – the type that happens between an undercover cop and his mark, or between two dudes obsessed with cars – so at the end Paul purposely lets Vin escape.

At the beginning of part 2 we learn that Paul is in Miami, where he is the king of underground street racing. And he’s a fugitive because of letting Vin go. I guess he travelled around helping people and racing cars, like the A-Team with a car instead of a van. But after the spectacular opening race he gets caught by the pigs. It turns out the FBI has a plan for him: if he will go undercover as a driver for this drug kingpin guy, he can get a full pardon. The guy they offer as a partner doesn’t know shit about cars, so he convinces them instead to let him use his childhood friend who now hates him because he blames him for his jail time, Tyrese. Tyrese is not a cop and they would also have to give him a pardon, so it is a good deal I guess, somehow. (more…)

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