SPOILER ALERT !!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with our own Vern who tells ya’ straight about David Cronenberg’s A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, a film I was scheduled to see last night, but I ended up sneaking into a test screening for a much anticipated horror flick instead. I figured I can see HISTORY OF VIOLENCE much sooner than I’d see this other film, so I ditched out of the screening. I’m dying to see it, though!
Now Vern’s review doesn’t go into any deep spoilers, but he talks about a little bit of stuff not in the trailer, so I went ahead and smacked a spoiler warning for the purists out there. As always, Vern did a bang-up job and wrote a piece that had me laughing along. Enjoy!
Harry and friends,
First of all Moriarty, to finish up that debate we were having over in your talkback, porn is not boring. At least not if you’re jerkin off to it. And if you’re not jerkin off to it you’re not giving the picture the respect it deserves. That’s like doing a crossword puzzle during a subtitled movie and then saying the movie didn’t make any sense. I know Alberto Gonzales recently declared a “war on porn” one of the administration’s highest priorities, but don’t write off the merits of hardcore porn without giving it a fair chance. Let’s show some class here, bud. That’s first of all. Second of all, I got a review of David (JASON X) Cronenberg’s excellent new picture A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE starring Viggo Mortensen.
This is basically a smart thriller, a simple one, nothing complicated, no crazy twists. It’s short and sweet although it moves at a somewhat deliberate pace (which is code for “some assholes will say it’s too slow but they’re wrong”). This is pretty much the most “normal” movie Dave Cronenberg has ever made. But it’s intense, intelligent and serious so it doesn’t feel like some kind of sellout movie. Just a rare moment where the guy is working on a wavelength that normal humans might be able to relate to. I’m sure his next movie will have vaginas growing out of people’s arms and machines made out of tongues and crap like that and you and I will enjoy it but I think it’s nice that once every ten or fifteen years he is willing to invite the rest of the neighborhood in for a show. Just tell them it’s the guy that did THE FLY and DEAD ZONE. But this one is less weird. Actually tell them it’s HIDALGO.
If you saw the trailer you pretty much know the first part of this movie: Viggo is Tom Stall, a family man in a small town, runs his own diner, beloved by the community, etc. Then one day some drifters try to rob him, he jumps over the counter and blows their fuckin heads off, etc. This makes him a local hero and media sensation, but you know, you don’t get moves like that from pouring coffee. That’s clear to Ed (KNIGHTRIDERS) Harris, a mobster from Philadelphia who shows up at the diner sporting a creepy fucked up eye and calling Tom “Joey.” I like Ed Harris, like in that Alex Cox movie WALKER. So I forgive him for stalking poor Tom and his family, seeking retribution on behalf of that fucked up left eye.
So you got a good suspense story about how Tom is gonna deal with these thugs that insist he’s Joey from Philly. But then it gets even better when it becomes clear to everybody that he really is Joey from Philly. This is kind of a problem because he probaly shoulda filled in his wife and kids on all this. So they don’t take it that well.
I know what you’re thinking, because it’s the same thing I was thinking. I thought this was gonna be a complete history of violence, starting with a caveman beating some guy with a conch shell or something, and ending with some shit that went down in an alley somewhere earlier today. So the title may be misleading to some of us but it is a good double meaning type title. Literally, Viggo has a history of violent acts, but also it is indeed an exploration of attitudes toward different types of violence. You got your self defense, your revenge, your punishing kids, your rough sex. Tom has all these things inside him in the form of Joey, but he really wants to leave them behind. So in a way this is a second cousin of one of my favorite types of movies, the “I’m a pacifist and I hate violence but jesus I really gotta kill this fucker” movie. (Think UNFORGIVEN, BILLY JACK, much of the Seagal ouvre, etc.) But I think it is a little more serious about the pacifism than those movies usually are. You can tell because it doesn’t brag about it. He never has to say out loud that he’s against violence.
This movie has the same dilemma that DANNY THE DOG UNLEASHED had. As compassionate human beings you’re rooting for this guy not to have to resort to violence, but as a moviegoer you’re rooting for him to break a motherfucker’s neck. This is no action movie but there were 3 or more scenes in here that had the audience cheering loudly as some fucker got what he, you know, deserved. And come to think of it that’s part of Cronenberg’s point I think.
For me this movie worked on every level. Great job by Cronenberg and the dude who wrote it (best known for his work as art department production assistant on MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE). But the real highlight is Viggo Mortensen in what is in my opinion the best performance in his career so far. Which is saying alot because this dude is always great. There’s no show offy overacting so he probaly doesn’t have to clear any space for an oscar. I mean he’s not playing a retarded math genius or nothin. He does get stabbed in the foot but I don’t think that counts as being disabled. Anyway he is great as this quiet, timid guy who, if you push him real hard, will take the gun out of your hand and break your nose with it. But he’d rather not. He gives the character much more humanity and dimension than somebody else would’ve.
About ten minutes into the screening, some lady asked out loud “What is this guy from?” So if anybody else is wondering, he is the guy from CARLITO’S WAY. Also, I don’t know if any nerds read this web sight or not but he was in RETURN OF THE KING. You’ll notice him, he plays the guy who is returning. So that is what he is known for but after this movie I think many women will remember him as the ruggedly handsome man of their dreams who enjoys going down on his wife. There’s a couple sex scenes in here that mix it up from the usual Hollywood formula. A certain hilarious two digit number is paid tribute to for example. And there’s no candles or Santana songs.
William Hurt is in here too, not sure if he is generous in bed or not, they don’t make that clear. But he is hilarious. This is a grim movie but there are some good laughs every once in a while. By Cronenberg standards, it’s fuckin AIRPLANE!.
Fans of Cronenberg’s movies will notice alot of little allusions to his greatest works. For example, tell me that opening scene doesn’t remind you of some of the shit that sicko pulled in NIGHTBREED. And there are many cold-blooded mobster/hitman type characters reminiscent of his character “Man by Lake” in TO DIE FOR. I didn’t notice any references to THE STUPIDS but I’m gonna have my eyes peeled for that if I see the movie again.
Also it’s apparently based on a comic book, so you guys are gonna like it. It is alot like Batman, Snoopy, etc. The one and only problem I had was in the very end (spoiler) when a Top Gun type jet made out of human skin flew down and vomited a bunch of phallises onto Viggo and he moaned in erotic pleasure as some creepy she-males gave him gratuitous reconstructive surgery. But I mean you know how Cronenberg is. He loves that kind of shit.
Actually I’m just bullshitting, that doesn’t happen in THIS movie. Or does it? There’s really no way to know until you see it on Friday.
Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/21373
View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback
Sept. 23, 2005, 6:09 a.m. CST
Another Vern Review for the Ages
Sept. 23, 2005, 6:10 a.m. CST
Sept. 23, 2005, 6:17 a.m. CST
I want to see this effing movie. Now. Of course I live in India so I’ll probably get to watch it in six months when it hits on DVD
Sept. 23, 2005, 6:40 a.m. CST
“You’ll notice him, he plays the guy who is returning.”
Fucking hilarious! Sounds like a great movie, I was sold on the poster alone, this solidified it. Thanks for another great review, Vern!
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:14 a.m. CST
a Top Gun type jet made out of human skin flew down and vomited
not THAT shit again? didn’t we see enough of that in Finding Nemo?
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:19 a.m. CST
Keep writing them like that, Vern
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:20 a.m. CST
“a much anticipated horror flick instead”
Gee, anyone else think Quint is has bellied up to Eli Roth’s teet?
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:30 a.m. CST
Completely Off Topic
My 19 year old girl friend and I just broke. If anyone wants details in regard to her, talk to me and I’ll disclose anything.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:35 a.m. CST
Was this girlfriend a 3-dimensional object, or did you only manage to model her in 2D?
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:36 a.m. CST
And I Knew I’d get responses like this. She is completely real, we dated for a year, still close friends, I have pictures of her. I enjoy discussing her though.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:42 a.m. CST
My 19 year old girl friend and I just broke.
What did you break?
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:43 a.m. CST
What did I break?
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:44 a.m. CST
What did I break?
Her hymen among other things. But I simple made a typo, “broke up”. Sorry for the double post.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:47 a.m. CST
Completely Off Topic
DanielKurland’s 19 year old girl friend and I just fixed.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:47 a.m. CST
I can understand why people are joking…
and I don’t blame you, but this is a legitimate offer. If anyone is actually interested. Talk to me.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:52 a.m. CST
Haven’t got time to read this, because I’m stealing time
…but Vern wrote it so you know it’s gonna be the best review of all time. Especially seeing as though he’s reviewing a film by Cronenberg. Anyone seen that one where the former pornstar “infects” people via humping them with her armpits. That was an interesting movie. Had something to do with AIDS apparently. And armpits. I wonder if History of Violence is a sequel to that.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:52 a.m. CST
“porn is boring”
lol, I just had to bring that up again.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:56 a.m. CST
While I appreciate the Vern-love
Let us not forget that Neil Cumpston is the best reviewer of all time, and everyone else on this site is living a shallow existence in his shadow. That is all.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:58 a.m. CST
SOUTHLAND TALES SCRIPT REVIEW ON JOBLO!!!
by KID AB
If what this review is saying is true, then wwwwhhheeeeewwwwww!!!!
Sept. 23, 2005, 8 a.m. CST
Again, I’m not surprised to get these messages implicating her or her pictures are fake. If you’re not interested, don’t respond. But there is no need to insult me by the accusations.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:02 a.m. CST
I think what Alonzo was trying to say was STOP. The topic of discussion is Vern’s hilarious review, not some doctored photos of you.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:03 a.m. CST
by Darth Kong
Why did you break up? Or did she break up?
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:09 a.m. CST
“Or did she break up?”
I don’t think she broke up, I think she just broke. Perhaps the makers of The Real Doll can send you a refund or a new girlfriend.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:09 a.m. CST
…is someone, how you say…? Ah, yes. “Propositioning” their (ex-)girlfriend to anonymous people scattered across the globe on a TalkBack? Even for, y’know, here, that seems kind of weird. Vern, you are, how you say…? Ah, yes. “Awesome.” I could do that thing where I try to quote funny stuff in your review but you’ve probably already read it. Suffice it to say I think I pampilashed. I’ve been jonesing to see this movie for a while now, good to see that it’s been getting crazy good reviews.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:09 a.m. CST
First off, ThomasGaffney and to the rest uninterested, I do apologize for invading this TB, but I will answer Darth Kong’s question. We broke up simply because we thought things would simply work better as friends, and she didn’t state it, but she can fuck more people this way.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:11 a.m. CST
DanielKurland why don’t you pimp your ex on a TB
Oh wait, you already have. Who are you anyway? Are you feeling down in the dumps? Cheers up,
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:13 a.m. CST
Alonzo is just kidding…
We banged her behind the McDonald’s dumpster.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:17 a.m. CST
I’m in no way looknig for sympathy, or feeling sad, was just wondering if anyone was interested. Didn’t expect much. My AIM is DanielKurlandVA is anyone is. On a related note, History of Violence does in fact look very good, and being a big Cronenberg fan, I hope it can top Videodrome and Crash, and to the poster who mentioned Rabid, yes, that movie is indeed great.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:18 a.m. CST
Ed (Knightrider) Harris
Goddam, Vern, that’s one of your best reviews ever. Well done!
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:19 a.m. CST
Give me your MSN or AIM details, and I will.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:25 a.m. CST
Agent Alonzo, you filthy whore…
Well, I can’t lie to DanielKurland. And I don’t think your shared rampage can get any cheaper than it already was.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:31 a.m. CST
Thanks for the tip, Alonzo! I wish I had pics of that. It’s too bad no one has hijacked this talkback to try and give away naked pictures of her.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:34 a.m. CST
On a completely unrelated topic…
I can’t wait to see History of Violence. I’ve been looking forward to seeing this since the first trailer, and Vern’s fantastic review only adds to my anticipation. Kudos, Vern!
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:38 a.m. CST
The whole thing was a result of mass boredom, and Tracey, will not be mentioned again. Resume covnersation of the movie.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:51 a.m. CST
I have no girlfriend to break, or break up with, or pimp on the
by Orange Crush
…that being said, I’d really like to see this movie, but I have the grim feeling it’s something that I’m seeing advertised on all of Jackson’s tv stattions, yet won’t be able to find at one of Jackson’s metroplexes.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:51 a.m. CST
My 1980 Funk&Wagnalls doesn’t have “ouvre”.
It should be there right between outworn and ouzel, but noooooo. So if Funk&Wagnalls doesn’t have ouvre what the fuck is Seagal doing with it.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:10 a.m. CST
Man i’m so anxious to see this. I really hope it’s as go
To Vern: I’ve read you Oldboy review on your site: “I’m glad I caught up with it and that when I did it was still called OLDBOY and not HOTEL VENGEANCE” LOL
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:16 a.m. CST
If Quint really skipped a Cronenberg movie…
by Childe Roland
…to go see Cabin Fever’s European Vacation, he should have his balls chomped off by piranhas (and why the hell do those mean little fishies get an “s” in packs, but ninja don’t?) and the remaining crotch crater filled with rock salt. This movie looks fantastic and Vern’s review is predictably sublime. Oh, and DanielKurland’s girlfriend showed me some pictures of him last night. Let’s just say I understand why she dumped him now.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:23 a.m. CST
Why is this “Cool News”?
While i am excited for it, couldn’t anyone read the 139648294 other reviews of the same movie opening TODAY?
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:24 a.m. CST
DanielKurland, GIMME THIS! This is my e-mail: BTOUAI@WEB.DE
by Man of Stool
I hope this is the shit.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:27 a.m. CST
Most inexplicably overrated movie since “The Blair Witch Project
by heywood jablomie
Saw HISTORY OF VIOLENCE in February with a hilarious test audience of Mexican teenagers. They gave this movie what it deserved–peals of derisive laughter. It’s as if Cronenberg woke up one day and said, “What I need to do–what I’ve never done before–is a really bad Lifetime movie about a sensitive good-guy husband who turns out to have a dark, sexy past! But the thing that’ll be really cool is…lots of laughable overacting from Ed Harris and William Hurt, and pacing like molasses!” And you know what? He made good on his word.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:48 a.m. CST
David (Jason X) Cronenberg?
Jeez man, give the guy a better credit than that!
David (Videodrome) Cronenberg or
David (Scanners) Cronenberg or
David (The Fly) Cronenberg or even
David (Dead Ringers) Cronenberg
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:49 a.m. CST
I checked Moviefone just minutes ago to find out where “A History of Violence” is playing near where I live, and, goddamnit, it’s not even playing in my state. From the number of ads and promotional spots I’ve seen on television, I thought it was getting a major release. But, apparently, it ain’t. Fuck.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:56 a.m. CST
Thanks for the review, Vern. It was well-written and entertaining.
Sept. 23, 2005, 10:05 a.m. CST
The only other Cronenberg movies I have seen are the Fly and Scanners. This one sounds decent, but I will have to wait until DVD. I don’t think I want to take my small kids to see it. Great review Vern!
Sept. 23, 2005, 10:17 a.m. CST
AHOV is getting limited release today and wide release next week (9/30).
Sept. 23, 2005, 10:30 a.m. CST
Fuck y’all this movie kicks major-league ass
Best this year. That’s right, better than Wedding Crashers AND Bewitched, you buncha mouth breathing comic-book hard-on idjits.
Sept. 23, 2005, 10:44 a.m. CST
“porn is boring”
Ah, see there’s the problem…you’re supposed to masturbate while you watch it. It sounds wacky but trust me, I’m the guy who first combined peanut butter with chocolate. Go ahead, give it a try, you’ll probably enjoy porn much more…
Sept. 23, 2005, 10:53 a.m. CST
by Darth Kong
U still here? Fuck em, I want to talk to you.
Sept. 23, 2005, 11:03 a.m. CST
… dude, your girlfriend broke up with you because a) she wants to fuck other people, perhaps some who can satisfy her, and b) you’re the type of pathetic loser who would talk about his breakup on a FUCKING MOVIE WEBSITE TALKBACK. Jesus, of all the geeky shit I’ve seen on this site, you sir, take the taco. Now PLEASE go away. And back on topic – this movie has hands down one of the the best trailers I’ve ever seen. It was outstanding. And now it has a great review. Bravo again, Vern-O.
Sept. 23, 2005, 11:32 a.m. CST
When is Warner Bros. gonna quit f*ckin around and sign Viggo to
by R.C. the “Wise”
He could play the General. I think I’d get that blonde lawyer from Boston Legal to be Duke. While Flint could be played by Jim Caviezel. Get with it WB. All the other 80’s stuff will be out by 07 and 08.
Sept. 23, 2005, 11:34 a.m. CST
I was only remotely interested in this until now. You’re the only AICN staffer that hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Can’t wait to see the part where Mortensen eats McDonald’s in front of a Radio Shack while screwing someone’s girlfriend in her dumpster.
Sept. 23, 2005, 11:40 a.m. CST
david(jason x)cronenberg wtf?
by fried samurai
Yeah I guess I wasnt the only one to notice that.One of our greatest filmmakers deserves a better intro than that.At least you made up for it with a good review and mentioned his bit part in To Die For…peace
Sept. 23, 2005, 11:50 a.m. CST
To those who dont get the Jason X joke..
Do a search for articles on AICN written by Vern and you will notice he does that kind of thing a lot, putting their shittiest movie as a nickname, he even did it in this article again with Ed “Knightriders” Harris. Or just read his reviews because they are hilarious. Also, does anyone remember the excellent movie “better luck tomorrow” a couple years back about the overachieving high school asian kids? apparently the director justin lin is doing “Fast and Furious 3: Tokyo.” worst title since Dungeon Seige? possibly.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:04 p.m. CST
Any hot gurlz press 69 for sexy chat
by Bob of the Shire
Fuckin’ chat rooms. Get that porn pimpin’ outta here.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:07 p.m. CST
Well… this talkback has been one for the ages…. kinda like t
by TheGinger Twit
Seriously, they really should just give up. No WMD’s. No ability to save the country from a terrorist attack. Geezus, not even $200 billion could save a city from a fucking windy day. And now the truths out that bombing in iraq are being carried out by the troops in dressup. So now we’re all going to stand back and have our tits and arse pictures taken away from us?? What next – War on agressive movie talkback site? Oh I got it, How about a war on war. That’ll fuck em. geez like you could ever stop someone flashing a tit in front of a camera. Speaking of just breaking your girl… Don’t worry bout it brother. Send a link to those naked pics this way. Quick before Bush and the feds come to gitcha.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:16 p.m. CST
Shit yeah…. off topic again… sorry chronenberg. lov your wor
by TheGinger Twit
Political victory is impossible. The original declared objectives of the war cannot be met because they were all lies. We can never remove Iraq’s WMDs because there were none. We cannot stop Iraq from supporting Al Qaeda because Iraq and Al Qaeda were enemies. And we did not succeed in punishing Iraq for 9-11 because Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. There is no victory possible for the originally stated reasons for this war. And as revelations of torture continue to emerge, the US has lost its position as moral standard-bearer for the rest of the world, if indeed it ever was. bla bla bla flame on fuckers
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:19 p.m. CST
A live-action G.I. Joe film??? (SPOILER)
by Wee Willie
That’s the most retarded idea since Mega-Force. Saw AHOV last night. It’s pretty good, but has some very bad writing in the first act and and utterly horrible performace by the semi-mongoloid who plays Viggo’s daughter. Good 69 scene, but the movie is kinda slow in parts. There’s also a really offensive opening scene that ends with the cheapest emotional manipulation a director can do. Good gore. Mercifully short. Like 89 minutes or something.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:37 p.m. CST
I know TalkBack is like jazz and whatever, and its random digres
…but do I smell another political debate coming on? Man, you guys barely need an excuse to bring this shit up.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:41 p.m. CST
…no, I’m not telling you what to do, before an autoMatisse or Moe Ron or some other jackass chimes in. If you wanna talk about politics, be my guest. Shit, argue back and forth about whether or not King Arthur has a basis in history; it’s not like I could stop you anyway. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who thinks the constant digressions into politics are insane.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:41 p.m. CST
Mega Force rocked with…
by Childe Roland
…all those totally 80s, stubbly faced, smooth chested, open shirted, beige wearing, bandana sporting, near-future military dudes driving around in color-change cars and motorcycles with side-mounted rocket launchers and shit! Wait a minute… Mega Force WAS the live-action G.I. Joe movie!
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:43 p.m. CST
Man don’t worry about the war on porn. It ain’t working out with terror, it didn’t work with drugs. I’m guessin we’ll be seeing a huge porn renaissance. Even Moriarty will be reviewing nothing but porn in his column by the end of the year. Pierre Woodman will be the president of NBC. Lifetime will show nothing but Andrew Blake movies. Anyway I wanted to explain the Jason X thing. This review was written for individuals like you and I who already enjoy Mr. Cronenberg’s works or at least are familiar with them. So saying “David Cronenberg (Naked Lunch)…” I might as well just say “hey cocksucker, go fuck yourself you piece of shit retard.” It is disrespectful to the audience. So instead I like to shed light on aspects of the individual’s career that most may have forgotten about. I knew people would laugh but if you check the reviews on my sight, you will see that I actually love both JASON X and KNIGHTRIDERS. I think at one point I even declared KNIGHTRIDERS the greatest movie of all time. Although let’s be honest I probaly hadn’t seen DIE HARD in a while when I said that. Still, I am a big fan of KNIGHTRIDERS and WALKER so wanted to mention them.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:46 p.m. CST
Don’t be hating on MEGAFORCE
I used to draw the different vehicles in elementary school, loved that movie. Yeah, it’s probably crap now that I’m older, haha. *** DanielKurland, can’t believe I’m saying this on a geek movie board, but get a f*cking life. Nobody cares about your ex’s pictures. What’s so special about her nekkid pics compared to the billion of other nekkid 19 year olds on the ‘net? Nothing.
Sept. 23, 2005, 12:59 p.m. CST
That sounds a lot like North By Northwest…
by El Scorcho
Anyone else agree?
Sept. 23, 2005, 1:31 p.m. CST
I’m actually kind of suprised I haven’t seen anyone talking about Straw Dogs when this movie comes up. Maybe I missed it. I really loved the theme in Straw Dogs and especially Dustin Hoffman’s performance, and A History Of Violence seems like it’s putting a new twist on a similar theme. It makes me really excited to see where Viggo takes his character.
Sept. 23, 2005, 1:35 p.m. CST
Here’s to the unlucky assholes who gave their e-mail address
and woke up the next day with a thousand “Dear Mr. batmanrules, please try out our new Penis Enlarger. It is guaranteed better than all the other ones you’ve used” e-mails in their inbox. And Vern shouldn’t have to respond to people who don’t understand his reviews, the reason why he put Ed “Knightriders” Harris instead of Ed “The Right Stuff” Harris is because he can. Same for spelling site sight.
Sept. 23, 2005, 1:48 p.m. CST
Dudes–PLEASE have VERN review everything from now on
This review is hysterical. I still don’t know if this is a good movie or not but, Vern, you’re a genius.
Sept. 23, 2005, 2:12 p.m. CST
Herc, write more reviews. Please.
I actually laughed out loud more than once during this review. And I’m a miserable bastard therefore this is no small feat. Hilarious. I love how herc keeps mentioning the most obscure works of said actor or director (ie: cronenberg from Jason X and ed harris from nightriders). LOL.
Sept. 23, 2005, 2:27 p.m. CST
Read through what you just said…there’s one thing wrong with it. Actually there isn’t, Vern is Hercules.
Sept. 23, 2005, 4:50 p.m. CST
the first half of goat’s post reminds me
of one guy who insisted on calling vern they. “They’re obviously laughing behind all your backs. They take turns writing their “reviews” and post them on aintitcool just to get people pissed off. I wish they’d go away”. Sure, he isn’t Bruce Willis’ internet alter-ego, but it doesn’t mean he’s part of a conspiracy to piss people off. That’s Harry’s job.
Sept. 23, 2005, 5:03 p.m. CST
Cherrycola, don’t feel bad.
As we all know, it was Herc’s fault.
Sept. 23, 2005, 5:06 p.m. CST
i didn’t realize vern was joking
by fried samurai
I just always thought he liked really bad films:)
Sept. 23, 2005, 5:51 p.m. CST
kurland, hook me up! firstname.lastname@example.org
Sept. 23, 2005, 5:56 p.m. CST
I’ve seen that Return of Dr X movie.
Humphrey’s in it for about five minutes total. Which still makes it the best movie with the letter X in the title ever made.
Sept. 23, 2005, 6:06 p.m. CST
I wanna die. They…won’t let me die
Can someone tell me if the scene from the book where the two childhood friends are reunited is in the movie? That is one of the most disturbing Vince Locke drawings of all time and perfect Cronenberg material, worth the price of admission if it made it in. Nice review Vern as always.
Sept. 23, 2005, 6:39 p.m. CST
Saw it. You guys should lower your expectations…
by Mr. Waturi
It’s ok. Very cartoonish at times. The opening scene is great. Most of the stuff with the villains is pretty intense but some of the action is ridiculous. And the son is pretty much pointless and a whiny little pussy. And there is a scene very early, where the little daughter has a nightmare, that has the most laughably awful ‘family’ dialogue that I’ve seen in a while. Anyway, just wanted to warn all of you.
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:48 p.m. CST
Anyone Remember The MEGAFORCE Video Game For The ATARI 2600? ? /
it was great. sort of like CHOPPER COMMAND or that other game that was basically the same as CHOPPER COMMAND. and goddamn was that movie retarded. _____ btw, you know GIJOE has gone anime, right? saturday morning there is this new GIJOE cartoon and it’s pretty much straight up anime. its kind of fun too in a “i’m way to old to be enjoying this, but i can’t deny that it’s kind of amusing” kinda way — lots of decent cell-shaded looking CG (which either you’ll love or hate), and robots and battle suits and cute girl ninjas and such. i wonder if the artists in Japan experienced any cognitive dissonance making “GIJOE” cartoons? hmm…
Sept. 23, 2005, 7:56 p.m. CST
You can find more of Mr.Beaks work over at dvdjournal.com
Trouble is, he’s always reviewing good movies like Jules et Jim, nice reviews sure, but we all know that a reviewer isn’t a reviewer unless they’ve got something to chew on. There’s more negative adjectives than there are positive ones. Not in the Dictionary mind you, but the dictionary’s so mainstream and overground. If a book hasn’t got the word ass-wipe in it then it’s not a book.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:30 p.m. CST
Man, great to see a new review, Vern
Was just thinkin to myself earlier that it’d been too long since the last one. Thought this looked good — now I’m psyched to see it.
Sept. 23, 2005, 8:45 p.m. CST
Maybe in Return of the King he looked a bit distracted
but Viggo seemed pretty alive to me in those films. And after slogging through the box-sets he was the hidden treasure, a man’s man who likes horses. Alot. Who forced the whole crew to camp out one day so they could catch the sunrise on film. I never got that phrase a man’s man, I don’t think it relates to society nowadays. Maybe it’s got something to do with all of that Pygmalion business of the 30s to early 60s, where it seemed every film was about how women water down everything they touch. “What if a woman could be a man…?” I just finished watching that pre-Amelie flick, “Une Femme Est Une Femme”, and my answer to the question I just brought up out of nowhere is that if a woman can look like Anna Karina then they’re alright with me. Tangents are good for the blood I hear.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:43 p.m. CST
joblo has a detailed, spoiler inclusive script review of southland tales.
this site is a fucking joke.
Sept. 23, 2005, 9:43 p.m. CST
Did anyone catch Viggo in the Psycho remake?
by TheGinger Twit
He is not the same man he is in LOTR. Always thought he’d make a great bad guy. Like a scary bad guy. y’know.
Sept. 23, 2005, 10:18 p.m. CST
My daughter is 15 and I’m about to kick her out of the house, it’s an amicable split though and I thought “What better way to give her a leg up than to pass her around the history of violence talkback like a joint at a foghat show” She’s a hottie guys. I’ve got pictures that I took of her while she was sleeping. She’s up for anything. COME AN’ GIT IT TALKBACKERS!!!
Sept. 24, 2005, 12:40 a.m. CST
by Thunder Mammoth
Glad to see you kickin! Great Review.
Sept. 24, 2005, 1:12 a.m. CST
Neil Cumpston is the best?!!?!
Neil Cumpston writes like an average high schooler would, if the high schooler had read a bunch of Vern reviews and tried to copy Vern’s style. Neil Cumpston uses/steals about 1/90 of Vern’s techniques, and Cumpston robotically uses *every* single one of these few techniques in each “review” in the most obvious plug-and-chug way, and repeats. Neil Cumpston only summarizes plots in his poser way, and gives a thumbs up or down, and never gives any insight into anything. What kind of low-standard-having gullible individual would choose Cumpston over Vern?!?! Yikes. That is just pathetic. What’s next, choosing Madonna’s copy of Marilyn Monroe over the real Marilyn?!! Give me a friggin’ break, man.
Sept. 24, 2005, 1:16 a.m. CST
okay, at least Madonna is alive and Marilyn is dead,
But that logic doesn’t help Cumpston because Vern is alive, and Cumpston just plain bores.
Sept. 24, 2005, 1:20 a.m. CST
and don’t even get me started on Beaks.
Beaks has some writing skills, but he is just not special in any way, other than the negative way of falling in and out of big-word-using mode. At least Vern can stay in character when he writes.
Sept. 24, 2005, 2:09 a.m. CST
Come on you horny fucks, she’s gotta make a living somehow. No fuckin’ respect.
Sept. 24, 2005, 3:03 a.m. CST
Daniel Kurland’s girlfriend has a history of violence
Sorry. I just HAD to tie the two threads up. For kicks. Ok I’m going to bed now. And yes Daniel, go pimp your porno on a street corner… “I assume it was Liz who did the dumping?”
Sept. 24, 2005, 4:32 a.m. CST
Is that your real name? Because if it is you just might be a distant relative of mine.
You do not happen to live in Germany, do you?
Sept. 24, 2005, 5:06 a.m. CST
Viggo in The Prophecy
Anyone remember his part as Satan no less at the end of that movie?
Cool as hell! Next to Chris Walken he made that movie shine.
Sept. 24, 2005, 7:36 a.m. CST
You know it has only really hit me till these last couple of mon
Shivers… I mean… Damn… it predates Dawn of the Dead and Alien… and I used to think he was Giger’s ho… but… no… he really deserves it all. Peace.
Sept. 24, 2005, 7:38 a.m. CST
Oh and the director’s cut DVD is great…
Any fan should hunt it down for the interview. The “slapping” story is now perhaps my favorite making of horror movie story. GOLD. Peace.
Sept. 24, 2005, 8:12 a.m. CST
Another great review, Vern
Please stop reviewing movies, write a script and save Hollywood.
Sept. 24, 2005, 8:16 a.m. CST
William (LOST IN SPACE) Hurt is in this? Excellent! Also Maria
Plus Viggo (YOUNG GUNS 2) Mortenson & Ed (MILK MONEY) Harris, in a film by David (SCANNER COP 2) Cronenberg!
Sept. 24, 2005, 11:31 a.m. CST
Great review. Probably better than the movie.
Sept. 24, 2005, 12:13 p.m. CST
Does anyone know where there is a list that shows all the releas
It drives me crazy that with all the information on the internet, they can’t post a complete release date list for limited release movies.
Sept. 24, 2005, 12:40 p.m. CST
WHY ISN’T THIS PLAYING ANYWHERE IN AUSTIN???
by Toxic Frog
I was looking forward to this weekend, and today I got online to find the best theater to see the film. Lo and behold, it’s not showing anywhere in Austin. They’ve got it in Dallas, though. What’s up with all that nonsense?
Sept. 24, 2005, 3:28 p.m. CST
You gotta admit that was some very sick shit Daniel was trying t
and it looked to me like the guy was being serious about it too. And the thing that really made it sick was when he got all self-righteous about the fact people were ribbing on him. Man, some people out there you gotta wonder why they shell out the money for that tenth lobotomy. Wasn’t the ninth enough?
Sept. 24, 2005, 3:33 p.m. CST
…I remember when ol’ Vern used to get savaged pretty badly on these TB’s when he first started. Seems like he’s either changed his shtick or taken a few writing classes. Anyway, great review indeed and I can’t wait to see this as the trailer has me pumped. I heard the nightmare/family bit was a tad syrupy from somebody else who’s seen it already. Otherwise, they said it was a solid movie with excellent performances by Harris and Arago…erm, I mean Viggo.
Sept. 24, 2005, 3:39 p.m. CST
Yes! Viggo almost stole that fucking movie away from Walken, which is saying something because that movie (in my opinion) is the standard by which all Walken performance’s must be set. When he did LOTR I was thinking ‘he looks kind of like he did as Lucifer’. Though I don’t remember him telling Frodo that he could lay him out and fill his mouth with his mother’s faeces. Or indeed, that he loved him more than Jesus. Fuck me I might have to go and watch the Prophecy now.
Sept. 24, 2005, 4:48 p.m. CST
Vern’s not changed so much as his audience has calmed down a
Although maybe that Striving for Excellence in the Field of Film Reviews shtick might have made him more palatable for AICN audiences. Personally I miss the old days when Die Hard 2 was his touchstone; you’d still get a reference in there even if he was reviewing The Last Unicorn or something.
Sept. 24, 2005, 5:03 p.m. CST
hilarious… his cited works are all his ACTING jobs. did anyone already point this out? maybe. do I care? stop asking that, you desperate fool.
Sept. 24, 2005, 5:07 p.m. CST
He was also the physician/surgeon in Geena Davis’ dream sequ
Nice job on that one. He still didn’t top Scorsese’s performance in Quiz Show though.
Sept. 24, 2005, 5:17 p.m. CST
Sept. 24, 2005, 6:16 p.m. CST
Saddam killed the Kurds. “But we gave him the weapons!!” So le
You people can’t make up your minds, except when it comes to leveling blind vitriol toward President Bush. Sure, the chimp does shit I can’t stand too. First “undocumented guest workers, then Schiavo, and now porn (among other things. But when you people engage in a knee-jerk alliance with “Bush doesn’t care about black people” West, “The levees were blown up by white people” Farrakhan, “end the occupation in New Orleans” Sheehan, and even “RockStar Games cheated the ESRB” Clinton, you’re only giving me more reason to stay right where I am.
Sept. 24, 2005, 7:10 p.m. CST
VERN, this doesn’t sound like you:
by Darth Bono Jr.
“…a caveman beating some guy with a conch shell …” A CONCH shell? Vern…you don’t seem like the kind of guy who would differentiate between SHELLS! I mean, I know you strive for quality, but still!
Sept. 24, 2005, 7:35 p.m. CST
Sept. 24, 2005, 7:38 p.m. CST
Oh….I meant VERN wrote a good review.
Sorry about that vern! Good review!
Sept. 24, 2005, 8:35 p.m. CST
Your whole post reminds me of when my friends send me text messages when drunk . “I saw tun robger” or “We rutn get over”, you know, confusing stuff like that. I have no idea what you are gibbering on about but I suspect what you meant to say was that you liked Videodrome
Sept. 24, 2005, 8:49 p.m. CST
He cracks me up with his mad choices in acting roles. When he makes movies as a director he seems to think long and hard about them and gived very serious interviews about the meanings of them and how they pertain to society and blah blah blah. Anyway point is he seems to care. Then you switch on the TV and he’s a mad doctor doing ridiculous experiments into memories in Alias. Or indeed, a mad doctor in Nightbreed. I liked him in Last Night, though. Which is also good for being one of the only Canadian films ever made which isn’t depressing. And it’s about the end of the world, so they’ve really gone out of their way there. Why are all Canadian movies so depressing? I mean,I’m in Scotland. Scottish movies are all depressing – they always seem to be about junkies or alchoholics or abused children. So you would expect them to be depressing. But Canadians just can’t seem to make a movie about ANYTHING without it being depressing. You go to Toronto and it’s nice restaurants, clean streets, beautiful women everywhere and you just think – what the fuck are you doing? Someone get Atom Egoyan drunk and laid, man. Anyway, I’m rambling
Sept. 25, 2005, 12:27 a.m. CST
So ‘Violence’ aside, did anybody review the kid’s gi
If some kid has a video of his girlfriend I, for one, might watch it. I WILL watch this movie. At Comic-Con this year Cronie came and talked about the flick (adapted from a comic book BTW) and it was enough to convince me that it will be interesting. Now, somebody review the girlfriend porn for me please!
Sept. 25, 2005, 5:15 a.m. CST
by Man Who Rafts
I think it’s great that Herc uses the “Ahh, but did you know he was involved with <film X>. By the way, a quick trawl through IMDB points out that James Isaacs was a special effects guys for La Cronenburg back in the day, so it was probablt just a ‘fancy being in this movie’ kind of thing. Probably. Or something. Perhaps. Who cares?
Sept. 25, 2005, 9:59 a.m. CST
…why’d you wanna go and hate on Chicken George like that? You were funnier when you were elf_killer# though not as erudite(?). S’matter, you an’ happyhappyjoyjoy have a tiff? Anyway…go Viggo!
Sept. 25, 2005, 10:09 a.m. CST
Sept. 25, 2005, 10:22 a.m. CST
And you remind me of coworkers who can’t be bothered to read past the subject line to get at the answers in the body of an email. First of all, which of my posts on this TB are you addressing? Second, your analogy makes no sense since the spelling was fine, it was the closing of some punctuation that was off. Third, I wasn’t drunk, I was stoned. Fourth, everything I wrote in each post was in direct reply to stuff already mentioned right here by others. Look, I tend not to like when a TB gets off topic too. Instead, blame me for feeding the trolls. These things aside, yeah, I’ve always dug on Deborah Harry.
Sept. 25, 2005, 10:39 a.m. CST
Man Who Rafts: I don’t think Vern’s going for obscure re
In Roger Ebert’s “Bigger Little Movie Glossary” (a hilarious book) he mentions a similar situation where an actor who dies will always be referred to by his last credit. So, despite all of his accomplishments, Lawrence Olivier will always be known in the media as “Lawrence (The Betsy) Olivier”.
Sept. 25, 2005, 11:35 a.m. CST
It was the last post before my own. “Saddam killed the Kurds…” was the header. I just had no idea where your stream-of-consciousness rant came from. The reason I said it reminded me of those kinds of message was that the words didn’t make sense together but there was clearly intent behind them. Anyway it doesn’t matter, it wasn’t really supposed to be any kind of harsh criticism. Seems like every TB on here always ends up with a squabble about American foreign policy or Joss Whedon. If Whedon ever runs for office this site will go into meltdown.
Sept. 25, 2005, 11:52 a.m. CST
Whedon’s a fag who only writes shows and films so he can fuk
And every American is a xenophobe. No exceptions.
Sept. 25, 2005, 1:29 p.m. CST
Scratches head in slightly amused puzzlement.
Keep trying, you’re almost as funny as Mercier, King of the Talkback’s. But then, he was at least coherent (and not on drugs). BTW, wouldn’t Melkor Jr., technically, be Gothmog? Oh yeah, I heard Viggo turned down the role of Smaug because he claimed he didn’t inhale (flames…get it?).
Sept. 25, 2005, 2:07 p.m. CST
You know what that last post reminds me of?
Teen 1: “Here comes that cannonball guy. He’s cool.” Teen 2: “Are you bein’ sarcastic dude?” Teen 1: “I can’t tell anymore.”
Sept. 25, 2005, 2:16 p.m. CST
It’s as if ‘Mongo’ from SOMETHING ABOUT MARY managed
And Daniel Kurland might as well change his username, he will forever be ridiculed on this site. Hahahaha. Douchebag.
Sept. 25, 2005, 3:18 p.m. CST
Vern makes me cry
But in a good way
Sept. 25, 2005, 3:28 p.m. CST
Johnny Socko and his Giant Robot…
…is shit compared to Giant Robo: The Animation!! Yes sir, that’s mighty fine. Cronenberg is definately the sickest genre director next to Shinya Tsukamoto…not really my thing, I appreciate this kind of stuff but don’t enjoy it much, Videodrome was great but his other stuff just freaks me the fuck out. Like that Brothers Quay shit. Or some of Stan Brakhage’s movies. With all the birthings and autopsies and whatnot. You know what I’m talking about.
Sept. 25, 2005, 3:29 p.m. CST
So I just checked the release date for this in New Zealand
I’ll be lining up for tickets on… March 16th 2006. Sucks to be me.
Sept. 25, 2005, 3:31 p.m. CST
Just got back from NY screening
Huge turn out. As well as being Cronenbergs best in years, this movie is much funnier than I expected. William Hurt’s “How do you fuck that up?” bit brought the house down.
Sept. 25, 2005, 10:40 p.m. CST
“Also it’s apparently based on a comic book, so you guys are
by 3 Bag Enema
Wow. You are funny. And it’s “a lot.” Two words. So you’re smart, too!
Sept. 26, 2005, 1 a.m. CST
A History of My ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by Chief Redcock
this smells like a PLANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sept. 26, 2005, 3:20 a.m. CST
I’m glad everybody liked the review, spelling, etc. Thanks especially to 3 Bag Enema for the kind words. I am not a comedian or nothin but hey if i made you laugh it is worth it. I have always wanted to put a smile on the face of a guy named “3 Bag Enema.” So really I think both of us got alot out of this whole deal. He enjoyed how funny and smart I was, and I lived one of the my dreams. Anyway I just wanted to clear this up again though, I genuinely love JASON X and KNIGHTRIDERS. And NIGHTBREED is okay. Not MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE though, you’re right about that one. That was my way of saying that the guy who wrote this pretty much came out of nowhere. So good for him.
Sept. 26, 2005, 5:21 a.m. CST
Thank You Man-in-the-Box
I hurt myself laughing.
Sept. 26, 2005, 7:03 a.m. CST
DanielKurland’s girlfriend is jessica alba!!!he just gave me THE VIDEO!!!!
Sept. 26, 2005, 7:24 a.m. CST
Goddamnit Jessica Alba ain’t no sexy thang!
She looks like a baby seal got shaved and rubbed up all shinny with the sex wax… sexxy that don’t make her… Peace.
Sept. 26, 2005, 7:30 a.m. CST
Sorry to any Alba fans
The day has kicked off really shitty and is going to be getting shittyer as the shit hits the rotating shit resulting in a world of shit. Someone had to be the ananimate target of my drowsy rage and incapacity to spell… and the bottle just happened to stop on Alba… On the bright side… at least I didn’t finish the above train of thought with… “THAT does however make her fitting for being slapped repeatedly with acutual fish… or the frozen variety…” you see that would have been a tad harsh and… fuck… a panda… for the speiceis… … no really, fuck. I finished the train of thought when I told myself I wasn’t… this day will be long. Peace.
Sept. 26, 2005, 7:31 a.m. CST
Vern, you’re a god amongst insects…
…don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Sept. 26, 2005, 11:59 a.m. CST
3 Bag Enema has alot to learn.
by Darth Bono Jr.
Nice try, though.
Sept. 26, 2005, 2:05 p.m. CST
er… how is Cronenberg involved with Jason X; bearing in mind I’ve not actually seen the movie.
Sept. 27, 2005, 3:56 a.m. CST
I’m not sure, I would probaly check IMDB under either Jason X or David Cronenberg, that would probaly clear it up however I will not check because I just don’t have the time for stuff like that right now. thanks rendell.
Sept. 27, 2005, 5:40 a.m. CST
Cronenberg=Dr. Wimmer in JASON X
by Darth Bono Jr.
Brought a tear to my eye, too.
Sept. 27, 2005, 6:31 a.m. CST
Traitorous Commie Bastard
Well, maybe not a bastard. Let me think… should I enlarge the platform and enrich the contributions of some expat Eurotrash who speaks at International ANSWER rallies, a North Korean/Socialists Workers funded front group dedicated to the same thing all communist groups are dedicated to, the destruction of the USofA? Should I reward this seditionist who has made millions of dollars off this country only to use every chance to dump on it and advocate its defeat? Give me a seco… NO! And Hell NO! It’s that simple. Good citizenship is hard to find anywhere in Hollywood, but there are a few at the top that spew particularly vile sewage against this country. Wiggo is one of ’em. And sorry if some find this inappropriate here, but his moronic Bush conspiracy rant on Charlie Rose was inappropriate too. Where’s HUAC and Joe when you need ’em?
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.