Archive for January, 2005

2004 Oscar nominations

Tuesday, January 25th, 2005

Alot of us movie fans, we got this problem called “the Oscars.” Every year we’re pissed off by who they neglect or who they give it to. Akiva Goldsman?! Bitch, are you for real? But then we get involved in it anyway, rooting for the ones we like, against the ones we hate, fuming over how bad those assholes in the academy fucked up this year.

We say we don’t care about the Oscars, because they’re always wrong. Then we spend half an hour complaining about how wrong they are. Because of how much we don’t care. So here’s my thoughts on this year’s nominations.

This year though especially, I think somebody needs to have a talk with that academy, because they seem to be confused about a few things. I mean for example did you know that a fictional movie about a camel counts as a documentary? (THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL was nominated for best documentary feature.) Listen up academicians, if you’re gonna bump CONTROL ROOM that’s your prerogative, but at least bump it for a fuckin documentary if the category’s supposed to be documentary. Or if it doesn’t have to be a documentary, why not just throw anything in there? How bout PUNISHER? That was a pretty good documentary I thought.

And I think they’re confused about adapted screenplay too, since BEFORE SUNSET was nominated in that category. How did they figure that? What are they saying it was loosely based on Ethan Hawke’s failed marriage? (more…)

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MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

Monday, January 17th, 2005

I woke up this morning and it was Martin Luther King Day here in the United States, so I put on “Happy Birthday” by Stevie Wonder. It’s that song off of Hotter Than July where he sings about giving King a holiday, back when the Trent Lotts and Dick Cheneys of the world were still preventing it from happening.

“Because it should never be
Just because some cannot see
The dream as clear as he
That they should make it become an illusion

And we all know everything
That he stood for time will bring
For in peace our hearts will sing
Thanks to Martin Luther King”

Listening to the song was a good idea, but the bad idea was I’d been watching CNN Headline News. I shoulda turned it off but I just put it on mute. So I’m hearing Stevie singing:

“Why has there never been a holiday
Where peace is celebrated all throughout the world?”

But I’m watching reports about car bombings in Iraq and what’s gonna happen to Iraqis if they try to vote in the, uh, election, and how they’ve been doing these secret missions in Iran to find out where to bomb when they invade there next. (Side thought: how is it really possible that these maniacs are even more dangerous than we thought, that they are actually so fucking deluded they really believe they can start another fucking war at this point and live to tell the tale?) (more…)

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The Hot Rock and The Stepfather

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

DONALD WESTLAKE DOUBLE FEATURE:
THE HOT ROCK and THE STEPFATHER

Most of you fuckers probaly think Donald E. Westlake is just the creator of your precious Father Dowling Mysteries*, but actually he’s got a whole big resume behind him. In fact, in these parts he’s more famous as Richard Stark. I’m not sure which one is the real guy and which one is the alter ego but Richard Stark is the hard motherfucker who wrote the Parker books I love so much. Twenty Parker novels so far and also four about Parker’s part-time actor, part-time thief associate Grofield. Stark’s books inspired POINT BLANK, PAYBACK and several not as memorable but pretty good movies.

[*I'm just jerkin your chain there bud, I never watched that show either]

And then Donald E. Westlake writes funnier ones, they say. Richard Stark is his dark side, they say. (Stephen King even named the dark half character in The Dark Half George Stark.) But I am here to tell you that Westlake has two sides to him regardless of Stark. And the proof is right here with THE HOT ROCK, a goofy light-hearted heist comedy based on one of his books, and THE STEPFATHER, a fucked up horror/suspense/family values satire that he actually wrote the script for.

THE HOT ROCK is from one of the Dortmunder novels, I never read em but judging from this movie he’s the opposite of Parker: a thief with a sense of humor that has fun with what he’s doing. Robert Redford plays John Dortmunder. Fresh out of the joint and George Segal (his brother in law, no relation to Steven Seagal) already has him on a job trying to steal a jewel from some museum.

Basically the plot is they gotta steal this rock, but every time they do they fuck up and then have to go steal it from somewhere else. Like the first time they almost get away except the guy with the stone gets caught. So he runs around the corner and swallows it first. Then Dortmunder and the gang gotta break him out – not sure if it’s for his sake, or for the rock only. Anyway it turns out he doesn’t have it anymore, he hid it in a cell at the police station before he got transferred. So now they gotta break into the police station. Etc. (more…)

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Konga

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Now days people are always going ape shit over a movie that they think is too amoral. Rosie O’Donnel busted a few veins over 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for Best Picture since I got out of prison Fight Club, and this American Psycho deal is already getting people up in arms. They think that your average joe on the street is some kind of retard who can’t see somebody do something in a movie and make their own judgment of whether or not it’s the right thing to do. At the same time these pricks are all cock of the walk, thinking they’re immune to the might powers of the Cinema. They saw fight club and THEY didn’t go out and blow up a building but GOD SAVE US if any of those subhuman cavepeople who DON’T have their own tv shows or politician husbands ever see the movie. We’ll all be in for it.

Somebody told me that when Payback came out, the slogan was “Get ready to root for the bad guy,” as if that was some new technique. These motherfuckers don’t remember that it’s okay to make a movie about a guy you wouldn’t necessarily want to leave alone with your daughter. Everbody has to be a damn boyscout unless they’re a cop, and then it’s okay for them to torture people and play by their own rules because they’re a “good guy.”

Well watching this British classic Konga on American Movie Classics reminded me that it’s not only okay to have a real prick as the main character, it used to be pretty normal. Ever heard of a motherfucker by the name of Vincent Price? That dude did a whole slew of movies where he’s killing people, turning em into wax dummies, using them for magic tricks, reciting shakespeare at em. All his best characters were grade A nutcases and he wasn’t the super villain that spiderman or x-man swings in and defeats, he was the main character who you liked to watch even if you didn’t like his personality. And sometimes you DID like his personality but you still didn’t find motherfuckers going out waxing people after they left the theater. (more…)

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King of New York

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

In this movie Christopher Walken plays Frank White who is the King of New York. He is not literally a king but actually some sort of crime boss of New York. He’s fresh out of the joint and unlike certain heroic individuals who choose to turn their life around and follow a path of Positivity, making the world a better place through art and culture, he decides to be king of new york. But he says he’s gonna build a hospital so that makes it okay.

The director is Abel Ferrara, an asshole director who I sort of like. I mean I never met the guy obviously but he’s one of those greaseballs like Vincent Gallo where, before you even see an interview with the guy, you just get the feeling he’s an asshole. In his movie DRILLER KILLER I didn’t even realize he was the star (he used a pseudonym) and I kept thinking this star really thinks he’s hot shit, it’s not just the character. What a fuckin asshole. But then I listened to the commentary track and heard Ferrara say the same exact thing about himself. So I had to like him.

Plus, some assholes are talented and I think Ferrara is, at least sometimes. He makes gritty, raw movies, alot of them bad, some of them good. His commentary tracks are always funny and even on a movie like this, maybe the best he’ll ever make, he makes fun of it like it’s some corny slasher movie. Here he makes a crime saga but he doesn’t have Hollywood germs tainting his blood so he makes it serious and brutal and unformulaic. You could argue that he’s one of these pretentious New York underground art type assholes, and that that’s not necessarily better than being a corny Hollywood asshole. True, but I prefer the New York asshole for making KING OF NEW YORK. Especially a macho guy like Ferrara. (more…)

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The Killer

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

but not the John Woo one though
this one is 1972, aka L’INSOLENT

Sometimes in a man’s life a man finds an oversized vhs box with a weird painting of Henry Silva jumping out at him holding a gun. If you’re not familiar with Mr. Silva, he is the scary mafia don in GHOST DOG, the scary crooked CIA guy in Seagal’s ABOVE THE LAW, etc. He’s one of those guys, if he shows up in a movie, you know he’s a fuckin bad guy. Because you have eyes. That’s all you need to figure this guy out.

So I was surprised to find out that when he was younger he didn’t look quite as scary. I mean sure, he looks like a bad guy, but that whole thing improved with age. In this one he almost looks like Chevy Chase, if his head grew bigger literally instead of figuratively. Or maybe he is like the evil android of Wayne Newton. I don’t know. Still, he’s a cold motherfucker and from beginning to end he doesn’t have a kind thought or a moment of hesitation. He’s got his eye on the prize, the prize being to get all the money and fuck everybody else over without a look back. Because he’s Henry Silva.

Point is its a low budget crime movie, some sort of French-American co-production taking place in France with a mostly french cast, but some of the actors (including Silva) are speaking english, others are obviously redubbed. This is by no means a great movie but it’s a good one if you can find it. (more…)

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Kill Bill: Vol. 2

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

(another unused one for the ain’t it cool news.)

Harry and associates,

I am writing to inform you of an exciting new picture called KILL BILL VOLUME 2. Please forgive me if you already know about this one or have covered it already. Or if you have travelled to China to visit the set. I don’t usually read your sight except when my reviews are on it.

Just jerkin your chain bud but seriously here’s the deal. This has been coming on for a while but after seeing this movie I think today is the day. I would like to officially endorse the works of Mr. Tarantino as an important chapter in the history of Badass Cinema. VOLUME 2 is a very satisfying conclusion to that exciting saga of revenge we began oh those several months ago with The Bride.

VOLUME 2 is really different from VOLUME 1 though. It seemed like that one was more about fighting than talking, and this one is the other way around. In fact there’s so much sitting around talking in the opening scenes that it looks like they had to move the opening credits to the end, afraid that people would be bored by endless driving followed by endless talking. But this one goes much deeper into the characters, revealing all the goods about the relationship between the Bride and Bill (who, remember, you didn’t even get to SEE in the first one – now he’s all over the place). The Bride becomes a little deeper of a character and you even get to feel some amount of sympathy for Bill. It’s a much sweeter film. (more…)

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Kikujiro

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

This latest work from the great Takeshi Kitano, new on the video this week, is not his most popular. Apparently there are alot of individuals out there who hated this movie. Because this time Takeshi is not playing a violent cop or a gangster. He’s just some dude. And the movie is about how he has to take care of an adorable little boy.

Now I know what you’re thinkin. Cop and a Half. Three Men and a Baby. The one where Chuck Norris is a cop and his partner is a dog. All this type of garbage. And it’s true, that is the type of basic storyline we’re talking about here.

But that is what is so important about this work, is that it shows you can take the tough guy and little kid formula, and do it Takeshi style, and it comes out as a great comedy. Not as crap.

Takeshi is, like our own Mr. Clint Eastwood, one of the great Badass Laureates. He has a stoic type personality and he is a master of the deadpan expression. He plays characters who go way overboard and convinces you with his eyes that he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. And what brings him into the Laureate category is that he directs his own pictures, and that his directifying style happens to be exactly the best one to showcase his Badass persona. (more…)

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Payback

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Well in late December as I was preparing to face down the ol’ Y2K problem I got to thinking about the old Mad Max and Road Warrior movies I used to like so much, and that got me thinking about Mel Gibson, the young Australian actor who played Mad Max.

Well okay, I admit that Mel hasn’t amounted to as much as we as a society thought he would back in those days, but that doesn’t mean you can Write the man off entirely. I know what you are thinking, this dude hasn’t done shit since Mad Max so just forget about him. But sometimes even after he’s considered washed up by the general public an actor or actress is still putting out high quality type performances with little recognition.

At the video store I found one Mel Gibson film called Ransom, about a kidnapping. I figured okay this will be good, it’s probaly about a cop named Ransom, I’m thinking most likely John Ransom. Well turns out he’s not John Ransom, Ransom is just the name of the movie and not Mel Gibson. He’s not a cop either, he’s just a rich guy. But his name isn’t Ransom. So I decided to give this one a pass and pickup Payback instead.

Turns out his name is Porter in Payback but at least he’s not some rich guy. He’s not a cop either but come to think of it why the fuck does the star of an action movie have to be a cop anway? I mean nothing against McClane but let’s face it, if you had to pick one occupation of guys you want to hang out with, it’s not going to be a fucking cop, jesus. That’s why I haven’t been watching as much TV lately, I mean if I want to see cops and lawyers I’ll just answer the door. (more…)

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Pauly Shore Is Dead

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

[NOTE: this review was sent to The Ain't It Cool News, but they never ran it. Sometimes pieces like this just fall through the cracks. Or sometimes movies starring and directed by Pauly Shore should not be written about. It only encourages them. sorry about this one guys.]

Dear Harold,

You better be lying about BLADE 3 you motherfucker or I got nothing to look forward to. I need a light at the end of the tunnel Harry and you’re trying to black it out on me. Also I hope you had a nice stay in Seattle.

Anyway I’m writing to you due to the fact that I just seen yet another straight to video movie, this one called PAULY SHORE IS DEAD, by star/subject/director/co-writer Pauly Shore, a former inexplicably famous comedian. What this movie is about is he has run out of the money he made in the early ’90s and can’t get any jobs so he made a “personal” independent movie about his career to bear his soul and/or beg for attention.

Now I’m no expert on Pauly Shore, by which I mean I have never watched any of his movies for more than a few minutes. However like most Americans I have been around the block enough times to know that he is a stain on our culture. Every so often our country gets hit with this kind of shit, all the sudden some damn thing becomes real popular for a while and it makes no sense. I’m talking the macarena, the lambada, the Brian Bosworth haircut. I’m talking where’s the beef, whoomp there it is, show me the money, is that your final answer, etc. If it’s ever been written on a t-shirt with an arrow pointing down, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Vanilla Ice, Independence Day, Andrew “Dice” Clay, New Kids On the Block, Full House, Urkel, America’s Funniest Home Videos, George W. Bush. Those horrible things that suddenly become hugely successful, and you can’t figure how or where or why or who, especially about two or three years later. Now it makes even less sense than it did then. These are the things you will never be able to explain to your children, the things that make you embarassed for the human race. (more…)

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