“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Archive for March, 2003

Head of State

Friday, March 28th, 2003

Chris Rock is kind of a weird dude in my opinion. Remember when he was first on Saturday Night Live? The guy didn’t seem funny at all, and they would just bring him out whenever they needed a black guy. It took a while but eventually he started to get better material and he really broke out, and when he left the show people really started to realize what a smart guy he was. His standup specials are great, his Chris Rock Show was great and he produced that movie POOTIE TANG which is one of the more madly brilliant cult hits of the past such and such period of time.

But despite all this his movie career is only a level or two above David Spade’s. His heart is in the right place but he ends up making corny shit like CB4. When he tries for more credibility he instead ends up in a god damn Kevin Smith movie. I guess NURSE BETTY was okay but still, the guy is obviously capable of so much more. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

URGENT DISPATCH FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AND/OR MEDIA

Thursday, March 13th, 2003

Attention all Americans. Our will is strong. We will not waiver. We will not back down. We will not give in to the temptations of overwhelming world opinion, common sense, etc.

Should the President decide to invade Iraq as planned, it shows the tremendous courage of a leader in the mold of FDR, Winston Churchill, or Morpheus from The Matrix. As the administration and the CIA have conceded, invading Iraq will greatly increase the likelihood of terrorism in America, but they feel that the risk of non-invasion is greater.

As the administration and Bush himself have also conceded, the new budget, which he signed into law, does not give enough money to “first responders” and other defenses against terrorism. Meanwhile, the governors of many states complain that they have not even been given the security money they were promised in 2001 and 2002. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.