There’s alot of topics I want to cover here so I might be kind of random. First of all: FUCK COLIN POWELL. I’ve been through this argument a million times and I wish everybody else was right. But now I have given up on that possibility.
Oh but Vern, I like Colin Powell. He’s a good guy. He’s real liberal for a conservative. No really he’s very intelligent and wise. His war experience has made him more careful than the nuts he works for. He’s the dove hiding among the hawks trying to convince them to keep their fuckin pants on. I know he was part of the Gulf War and he said that thing about not being terribly interested in the number of civilians killed. And he gave a press conference trying to cover up the Mai Lai massacre. But really Vern seriously man this dude is great.
Yeah, you still feel that way people? Now that he’s done a complete 180 from “we really shouldn’t be doing this shit” to going to the UN to BEG them to let us do this shit? Before he thought the war was a bad idea, now he’s so into it he’s grasping at straws, playing the UN fuzzy tapes of two RANDOM DUDES apparently talking about how shocked one of them is that the other one has a weapon he shouldn’t. THAT’S how you know we have to go in and fire twice as many missiles of the entire Gulf War on Baghdad in the first two days… because you have a tape of SOME GUYS talking, somewhere, sometime?
You couldn’t even get a guy busted for pot with that evidence and you’re using it to justify a pre-emptive attack on a metropolitan area, planned by a strategist who proudly compares his technique to Hiroshima (8th paragraph)?
When I read about Powell’s presentation I thought okay, is this evidence made up (meaning they are liars) or is it real (meaning they are traitors because they kept this from the UN inspectors)? Well, it looks like the former judging from this CBS news article “Inspectors call US tips ‘Garbage'”. If you read the article you find out that the headline also could’ve been “Inspectors call US tips ‘Bullshit'”. Turns out our people have been sending the inspectors on wild goose chases. Among many examples in the article:
Example: satellite photographs purporting to show new research buildings at Iraqi nuclear sites. When the U.N. went into the new buildings they found “nothing.”
Does that mean good old dove Powell was showing the UN doctored satellite photos? And is that an impeachable offense? Don’t worry, it gets more insane. Right after that Powell was on TV talking about the new bin Laden tape. Although bin Laden still says the Iraqi government are infidels and that the people should rise up against them, he supports Iraq in their struggle against us, the “crusaders.” And Powell used this as the evidence they’ve all been praying for, but God keeps denying them, of a link between Iraq and al Quaeda.
That’s right friends, Colin Powell ACTUALLY SAID WITH A STRAIGHT FUCKING FACE that we have to invade Iraq because they are connected to al Quaeda because we are going to invade Iraq!
Let me put that another way. We are going to invade Iraq, therefore al Quaeda supports Iraq, therefore we must invade Iraq because al Quaeda supports Iraq. We are going to invade Iraq because of a connection to al Quaeda caused by the fact that we’re going to invade Iraq.
What kind of crazy, self-fulfilling prophecy, reverse catch-22, mad tea party bullshit is this? And you’re calling US hippies? When exactly did our secretary of state turn into the fucking sphinx? How long before he ditches the podium and starts doing press conferences on top of a giant mushroom?
I mean this seriously when I say, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
Colin Powell is a complete and total sellout. I would’ve kissed the guy’s ass if he would’ve resigned in protest. He would’ve gone down in history as a great american hero who once had his ass kissed by Vern. Instead, he threw all his alleged convictions out the window, pissed on them, and then did a little dance. Fuck Colin Powell.
MY PLAN FOR THE POPE
Speaking of great historical events that will never be, I got a plan for the Pope. I’m not catholic but I honestly mean no disrespect about this. I give the Pope a big thumbs up for coming out against this war just like the heads of all the other major churches (including Bush and Cheney’s, of course).
But what about this: what if the Pope went and stayed in Baghdad? That would stop the war! I mean seriously, what could Bush do? I know he’s a heartless bastard, and I know he’s not Catholic, but would he bomb the Pope? Is he willing to turn ANOTHER religion against us?
Now I don’t expect the Pope to do something like this, but shit man, I’d convert to Catholicism if he did. I’d eat those fuckin cross-crackers or lord-biscuits or whatever, if the Pope stopped this war. I mean, I really think that’s what Jesus would do if he was in these parts. He’d head on over.
“Whatcha gonna do, fucker? You gonna bomb your own god damn Lord?”
(or words to that effect)
It would be awesome.
RETURN OF THE OLD SUPPORT THE TROOPS SWITCHEROO
I told you this would happen again, and here it is in full force. Now that the peace marches have grown so gigantic that the media can’t ignore them anymore, they’re dusting off that old Gulf War classic, the concept that supporting the troops is somehow OPPOSITE of opposing the war. This is a weird piece of reverse logic where it is good to send your kids off to die for a corrupt government, but bad to take to the streets trying to make them not have to.
(I guess reverse logic is on the It List right now. Bush wants war because he wants peace. The American people defend American ideals because they are Anti-American. Duct tape is a type of tape so it can protect you from a biological attack. Bill O’Reilly yells “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Cut his mic!” at a peace activist whose father died in the World Trade Center out of respect for his dead father. The Fox News Network is the official mouthpiece for the Bush administration, so its slogan is “Fair and Balanced.” etc.)
Last weekend the Seattle media was a little more fair than in their previous coverage of peace marches. They got some helicopter shots that came closer to capturing the scope of the thing (which was bigger than anything I’ve ever seen). They spent more time interviewing the participants and they made a big deal (as if it was some kind of shock) that these were normal people from all walks of life, and not just some smelly hippies. But then they tried to portray the small enclave of “support your troops” people walking down a sidewalk in Oak Harbor as the opposing viewpoint. I mean yeah, I guess we disagree in that most of them apparently support the war. But you’d have a hard time finding people in the peace marches that don’t “support the troops”.
Of course they keep bringing up the whole spitting on the vets business from the Vietnam war. Now, we all agree that this is a shameful part of history. We all hope it doesn’t happen again. And I’m sure we all have a hard time imagining that it would happen again.
But hold on – you’re telling me you’re from a military family, and the SPITTING is the part you’re worried about? I’m sure that was horrible but it was probaly not as bad as the part where they were SENT OFF TO KILL, DIE AND BE MAIMED for a nightmarish, unjust war based on lies and fanatacism. Yeah, go ahead and worry about the disrespect being repeated, but I would also worry about the war itself being a repeat.
I mean look at the Gulf War. Despite the enormously successful “support the troops” merchandising industry and the virtual silencing of all dissent, Gulf War vets still don’t have it good. There was no spitting, in fact quite the opposite. And still the government and the public consciousness abandoned them when they started complaining of lung problems, forgetfulness, aching joints, itchy rashes, numbness in the hands and arms, dizzy spells, headaches, chronic fatigue, miscarriages, premature balding, vomiting, fungus on their hands and feet, and other mysterious symptoms. Don’t take my word for it – read their stories on web sites like gulfweb.org. For years they were told that they weren’t sick because of the war, or that they weren’t even sick! 10,000-12,000 people have already died from these sicknesses, and the pentagon claims not to know the cause. And yet it is “supporting the troops” to send kids off to face this fate again, and it is unamerican to say hey, I don’t want them to have to go.
It’s not just Gulf War veterans that are getting screwed either. There is a group of WWII and Korea veterans who have a class action lawsuit against the Bush administration for taking away their retirement benefits. I guess if Tom Hanks and Tom Brokaw kiss your ass with a new book or movie every couple years then you don’t need money for food and shelter. Is that how it works?
One of the people involved in the “support the troops” event referred to the tens of thousands of peace marchers in Seattle as “nutcases”, and of course the talk radio dickheads called us hippies and traitors. What they’re doing is basically overcoming impossible odds to dress up the world around them to fit their world view. They’re playing pretend. They are holding their hands over their ears singing “MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!” and squinting so everybody around them looks like they’re wearing tie dye.
Yep, everyone who wants to avoid war is a traitor. By police estimates that’s a million traitors in Rome, at least 750,000 in London. I bet even fair and balanced Fox News has acknowledged literally millions of protesters around the world just on the 15th – apparently all hippies, traitors and ingrates.
Of course, Nelson Mandela is also a traitor, as are Desmond Tuttu, the Pope, the Bishops from Bush and Cheney’s church, the Bishops from Bush senior’s church, the UN, many of the people in the Pentagon, the weapons inspectors and the former weapons inspectors, who are also pedophiles. Brent Scowcroft, Colin Powell and Norman Schwarzkopf were all traitors until they suddenly and mysteriously pulled 180s, and at that exact second they became the bravest and most credible heroes ever. France, Germany and Belgium have become “old Europe” and need their wine and cheese boycotted, because they are also hippies and traitors. And the various Hollywood actors are traitors who are not qualified to have opinions on war. Even if they visited Iraq to see for themselves, they don’t know what they’re talking about. They are only actors and do not have the same world knowledge as talk show hosts and the people who call in to talk shows on their cell phones while they are driving home from work to say that the actors who oppose the war should be deported. Every single person ever sent to war is the bravest son of a bitch ever, until the day when they speak out against another war and instantly become america-hating cowards.
By now, these people have painted a portrait of a world where a small band of flagwaving talk radio fans and oil barons are battling against an entire planet of treachorous hippie nutcases disguised as religious leaders, veterans, union workers and soccer moms. They would be suspicious of the weather’s political affiliations if it threatened to make the war more difficult. I don’t know what it would take to convince these people that wait a minute, maybe it’s a little more obvious than that – maybe the WHOLE FUCKING PLANET has a point worth considering.
But you see, we have these bastards running scared. Note that on the 15th Bush stayed out of the spotlight, cringing behind a written statement by his publicist or spokesperson or whatever. And Tony Blair actually admitted that his stance was unpopular but that this was “the price of leadership” (in a democracy – whuh?)
Hell, even before the 15th they were starting to look like they were ready to wet their pants. Did you hear about the Guernica? It was painted by an individual named Pablo Picasso, often considered his masterpiece. It depicts the horror of civilian death during a bombing in the Spanish Civil War. A huge replica of it hangs in the lobby of the United Nations where world leaders make statements to the press.
But apparently somebody pressured the United Nations about it because a few days before Powell’s big speech, they covered it up with a blue curtain like the one John Ashcroft used to cover up the lady justice statue in the Department Formerly Known as the Justice Department. A UN spokesman even admitted that it was covered because it would look bad if Colin Powell or John Negroponte – the perpetrators of the new Guernica – were photographed in front of it.
Even more hilarious was Laura Bush’s annual poetry symposium at the White House, which was scheduled for the 12th but was cancelled shortly before when she found out there were going to be anti–war poems read. She said that it would be inappropriate for the poetry symposium to turn into a “political forum”. God forbid, a political forum at the GOD DAMN WHITE HOUSE!
Here is my poem:
what is this for
can’t take no more
George W. Bush
is a god damn whore
I don’t know man I’m still working on it.
But do you see what’s happening here? These pussies are shitting their pants over poems and paintings and marchers. In New York, home of the United Nations building, the protesters were not even allowed a marching permit. The Bush administration actually filed a brief asking the city to deny a permit to protest the Bush administration. (And that’s not un-american.) Instead there was a police barricade and more than 20 blocks worth of protesters spilling out of it. Of course they wouldn’t fit on the sidewalks but they weren’t allowed in the streets so the police started charging them with horses and arresting people who of course wouldn’t have been in violation if they would’ve gotten the permit that they should’ve gotten. They weren’t allowed a permit because it would be unsafe but of course it was only unsafe because they didn’t have a permit. (Did Colin Powell make that one up? Did he put down his hookah to do it?)
My point is not that we have won, or that we even necessarily can win. My point is that they are showing us signs of weakness and we have no choice but to keep fighting. When all is said and done, the least we can say is that we did not stand idly by. Not us, not the Pope, not the French cheese, not Pablo Picasso.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.