Archive for July, 2002

VERSUS: Batman vs. Superman, Alien vs. Predator, Jason vs. Freddy. Plus, a note on Harry Knowles.

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002

As a special favor to all individuals who have been so faithful to my sight and my works, I’m gonna do a special NON-BUMMER edition of VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS, where I talk almost entirely about movies. Not about politics. That is not to say that I will stop complaining about the Bush Regime. Or even cut down on it. Because you can’t just ignore that shit. But today I’m gonna.

EXCEPT to promise you that the fuckers will attack Iraq before November, I’m guessin within the next month or so. And then it could get ugly. Nobody in their right mind, and almost nobody who isn’t an on-air personality for the Fox News Network, thinks this is even a halfway reasonable idea. But if there is a massive uprising of dissent, which there should be, the mechanisms are already in place for a disaster. Pay close attention to what they’re saying about “we don’t want to change the posse-commitatus act, no, all we’re saying is that we are going to LOOK INTO changing it, but we really don’t want to, I mean we definitely won’t even consider doing it, we’re just gonna LOOK at it. But not do it. Necessarily. Don’t worry.” Kent State will seem like a birthday party after this. And then people will finally understand what the Bush Regime is. But it might be too late. (more…)

Vampires: Los Muertos

Monday, July 15th, 2002

Well boys there’s nothin like a mediocre straight to video sequel to start off your day. I didn’t even know they were makin a sequel to this one until I got ahold of the screener tape. I guess alot of people would ask “Who the fuck cares about VAMPIRES?” and laugh it off. It’s always weird when out of the blue they got a sequel to some movie you never knew anybody really thought about anymore, like URBAN LEGEND or MIMIC or MEN IN BLACK.

But I like most of Mr. Carpenter’s works and I think VAMPIRES is one of the good ones. James Woods is great throwin on the leather jacket to put his skinny old man frame in the Kurt Russell/Roddy Piper role. I guess he made up alot of his lines and maybe that’s why they work (Roddy Piper did the same in THEY LIVE. I bet poor Ice Cube stuck to the script in JOHN CARPENTER’S DISAPPOINTING GHOSTS OF MARS. I still can’t believe his name was “Desolation Williams.”)

Nothing about VAMPIRES seemed real radical but it had a feel of its own. How many vampire movies take place mostly in daylight in sunny, dusty Mexico, with that famous John Carpenter “it’s really a western” tone? And it just had a raunchiness that was much needed at the time, with the most macho dialogue of any John Carpenter movie, all the main characters being sadistic assholes, and lots of the ol’ latex-and-blood-packs gore effects. I don’t remember any god damn morphing in that picture. The master vampire tore Mark Boone Junior in half, and it was organic.

And if none of that impresses you you at least had to appreciate the first attack on a vampire nest, seeing the way these vampire hunters have methodically worked out their SWAT team tactics so they can hook vampires up to cables and drag them out into the sun. Fuckin vampires.

So I’m sure there are a few people out there like me who appreciated VAMPIRES, and a couple of them might even think hey, VAMPIRES was done on a low budget, it had a premise that could easily be continued with different characters, maybe I’ll check this one out. (more…)

Reign of Fire

Friday, July 12th, 2002

I heard a rumor, or actually I just saw it on the ad, that REIGN OF FIRE is supposed to be the perfect summer movie. And in a way I think it is. Because it takes a good special effects extravaganza premise – the world is obliterated by firebreathing dragons and a small community of survivors fight back in postapocalyptic england – and treats it much smarter and more dramatic than you’d expect.

Yeah, this is a movie with computer animated dragons, and a bunch of people fighting them. But the emphasis of the story is not on the fighting. It’s always on the drama. After a prologue and a MAD MAX-like dragons-take-over-the-world explanation montage, you get basically a DAY OF THE DEAD setup. Here is this community of survivors living in spruced up castle ruins using what limited resources they can find to survive. You find out about their whole system – how they eat, their security system, how they use birds for lookout and what they teach their kids to do if they see a dragon. There’s also a little I AM LEGEND in there because they treat the dragons scientifically. They are not magical. They explain how they breathe fire, how they reproduce, the best way to kill them.

And after the dragons attack the place, you get a long scene of all the kids crying and walking around in shock. They are seriously traumatized. You don’t get that in ARMAGEDDON or INDEPENDENCE DAY or that other one with the giant iguana and Mathew Broderick. Not the one with Marlon Brando, that’s a different one. Anyway in most of these types of movies people run from special effects and they make a funny face and go “OH SHIT!” and if they’re Will Smith or Orlando Jones, they make some joke about being black. Like, “Man, why the black dude always gotta get eaten by the dragon first!” And then they keep going. (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.

The Afghanistan Wedding Massacre, Yoda, Digital Projection, Samurai Jack

Thursday, July 11th, 2002

Well I’ve been holding off on doing a VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS because I want to put together the Post-September-11th-Politcal-Rant to end all Post-September-11th-Political-Rants so I can move forward a little bit. But today I saw a headline that I could not let stand without comment:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washdc/2002/07/10/iraq-invasion.htm

I mean, that’s the most insane thing I’ve read since the one about how the CIA weren’t allowed to assassinate but they’re authorized to kill Saddam Hussein if it’s in self defense (We had no choice! We just happened to fall through the skylight into his palace and he pulled a pistol on us!)

The print version of this new one is even more ridiculous because it has a sub–header or whatever you call it. Something like, “Planners raise bar for Iraqi invasion – provocation would be needed to justify war, say experts.”

Oh, THAT’S right. That’s what we’ve been forgetting. After all these months of planning this war, they still don’t have a REASON to go to war. It makes our government seem a little more human, you know, to realize that even they want to have a REASON before they send their friends’ kids to go kill thousands of people.

Because people are starting to remember that war ain’t pretty. Well, I think everybody knew that, except for everybody you see on tv. And a couple of them are starting to realize it. I’m sure one or two of them felt a little queasy when they reported about the American soldiers slaughtering a wedding party in Afghanistan. I read that the father of the groom was considered a war hero, from this same war. He defended Hamid Karzai from the Taliban. Now he’s dead, and so are his wife and four of his children. And he didn’t get to see his son get married. His son only survived because of a tradition that the groom waits in a seperate house. (more…)

Only 1 person likes this post. Kinda sad.