So once again we have survived.

Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

JAY & SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK

or

WHAT IN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU YOUNG FUCKERS TODAY, ANYWAY?

So I just got back from one of these preview screenings they have to pass out promotional materials and start some “buzz” and “word of the mouth” on some movie they want the young kids to pay money for. The movie was JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK and the kids slurped it right up. They loved this movie, hooting and hollering and laughing real hard, and leaving with big smiles on their faces.

So if you are one of those people who was looking forward to this one, you will probaly like it. I know alot of the aint it cool newsies really love this sort of crap so if you love this sort of crap then don’t worry, you will pay your money for this one and then there will be laughing.

But for the rest of us – look out! If there is a buzz on this movie, if they tell you it’s funny and you might like it, DON’T LISTEN. Avoid eye contact. Distract them with a simple gesture like plucking a flower petal or unscrewing the cap on a salt shaker, then escape to a neutral area such as a theater playing Takeshi Kitano’s BROTHER. I don’t care if they say “He’s an independent filmmaker making one last lowbrow comedy before moving on to sophisticated adult fare!” Or, “It’s a witty satire about the internet and the age of celebrity!” Or the old, “He writes comic books!” It’s not true. This one is STRICTLY for the hardcores who want to clap and go “whoo” whenever a character from clerks comes on.

Jay & Silent Bob Strike BackFor the rest of us – let’s have a meeting here boys. What in fuck’s name are we going to do about this young generation anyway. You won’t even believe how this movie starts out. With a starry sky and letters that say some crap about “Long, long ago…” blah blah blah.

(You know. Like star wars.)

If there are any young aspiring filmatists out there hoping to follow in the footsteps of the fella who made this picture, I would like to have a few words with them. You see kids, that is not a joke. That is a reference. If there is some african bushman or something out there who might watch this movie, it may be the first time they have seen a star wars reference. Maybe to him it’s funny, I don’t know. But we’re not him, are we? We live in america and surrounding countries. We have tvs.

Star Wars came out in 1977 (have nerd verify date). And it was real popular so the actors started making appearances on the muppet show and saturday night live and etc. so everybody could join in the fun. Ha ha let’s all have fun, it’s star wars, ha ha. etc.

Then many years passed. Twenty four I believe. And there was Austin Powers 2, and Revenge of the Nerds 2. And there was Hardware Wars and Hardware Wars special edition, and Spaceballs and Spaceballs special edition. And there was George Lucas in Love. And christ knows how many times mad magazine and garfield and ziggy dealt with this material. Enough time has passed that there was a ripoff of star wars called battlestar galactica, that is now receiving nostalgic remake treatment. Enough time has passed that there are adults now who when they were kids saw star wars jokes on Muppet Babies, a spinoff made years after the Muppet Show did star wars jokes.

You know those figures they have about how many violent acts kids have seen on tv, or how many times a guy thinks about fuckin in one day? Well I’m not gonna do the scientifical research but I’m betting there’s some number in the gazillions about how many limp dick star wars parodies americans see in their lifetimes. And now here’s this movie where, again, you got some young jackasses jumping around like star wars, swinging lightsabers, only nope, it’s a bong! (joke) And these young fuckers are laughing like a laughing hyena on laughing gas with a feather up his ass watching Richard Pryor Live In Concert and Dr. Strangelove at the same time. Like this is a new joke, or even a joke period.

A WARNING TO FILMATISTS IN THEIR 20s AND 30s: Enough is e fucking nough. It ends now.

Look, I know I was one of a handful in the theater that weren’t laughing. But Jesus had, what – twelve, maybe thirteen disciples? We’re in this together, people, and we’re gonna make the difference. We might have to take these young fuckers aside one by one and teach em what fucking comedy is. Each one teach one. Give a man a fart he’ll laugh for a day, give him Richard Pryor he’ll laugh forever. Or whatever.

Let me mention the plot of the movie to satisfy the needs of the talkback folks. Jay and Silent Bob are two pot dealer guys that there is a comic book made out of, and miramax pictures is making a movie out of the comic book. But bob and jay find out people on the internet are saying that they lick each other’s balls. So they try to go to hollywood to stop the movie from being made. Along the way they dress up like star wars, charlies angels, planet of the apes, and scooby doo.

You know that joke about there’s a character from one movie, but he dresses up as a character from another movie, but he’s still not in the other movie, he’s just in this movie, but he looks like that other movie, and that’s why it’s funny?

(You know, like in Naked Gun 33 1/3, Jane Austen’s Mafia, Spy Hard, Silence of the Hams, Plump Fiction, etc.?)

THAT’S NOT A JOKE! I don’t care WHAT movie you dress Leslie Nielsen up as, it’s still not funny! JAY AND SILLY BOB is a Leslie Nielsen movie without Leslie Nielsen. It’s all about context. Take out leslie nielsen, throw on the “dimension” logo and somehow college kids think that makes it funny. But it’s still the SAME fucking scene from Star Wars that you’ve seen EVERY JACKASS IN THE WORLD make reference to OVER ONE THOUSAND TIMES just since the release of the last star wars movie. It’s the SAME scene from Planet of the Apes that you remember, and your friend remembers, your grandma probaly even remembers, and all of them have made bad jokes about it for years, and even they don’t think it’s funny anymore, and probaly wouldn’t laugh if they saw this movie. Because they fucking know better.

STOP DISRESPECTING YOUR GRANDMOTHERS YOU LITTLE FUCKERS.

Then they arrive at “Miramax Studios” and it turns into a retarded version of that first Pee-wee Herman picture, Pee-Wee’s Baaaadaaaaass Song I believe it was called. They run around the studio and sneak onto the movie sets and even use some of the same jokes and similar music and a bicycle chase. Only they inject alot of gay jokes and that insidious circa late ’90s, early 2000s self-referential post-modernist pop-cultural reference type bullshit.

Remember in scream part 3 how they had Carrie Fisher, and they keep saying “Hey, you look like Princess Leah!” and that was supposed to be funny? Welcome to this movie. You got Ben Affleck playing different characters talking about Ben Affleck. Get it? He’s ben affleck, but he’s not ben affleck! And then you got Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as themselves. Do you think they’ll be filming a sequel to Good Will Hunting? I don’t want to give it away, so I won’t say either way. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. Who knows? It sure would be funny, though, wouldn’t it! You’ll be surprised and delighted, either way!

They keep parading in all the different actors from the different movies that this individual, Kerwin Smith did. And they’ll say stuff like, “Why didn’t they make a movie out of that other comic, Chasing Amy? Oh no, that would NEVER work as a movie!” And we’re supposed to go, ha ha, but they DID make a movie called Chasing Amy. Ha ha if only these characters knew what we knew! But they don’t, and that’s why it’s funny! Ha ha!

You get the idea.

Underneath this glaze of clever there’s the politics of the picture. I don’t want to take it too seriously but they actually got Chris Rock to play a character named “Shaka Luther King”. Oh well, I guess he knows what he’s doing, but jesus.

There’s a bit of controversy you might’ve heard of, that some people say it’s an anti-gay movie, just because every two minutes they call each other cocksuckers or pole smokers or buttfuckers or gay or fag or etc., and they use gay as the lowest possible insult and laugh at the very idea of being gay, sucking dick etc.

But in defense of Mr. Smith, there is one part near the very end where Dawson’s Creek makes fun of another guy for being homophobic. And that makes the rest of it okay.

Also, if you have a black friend it makes it okay to say nigger.

I won’t lie. I had a few chuckles. This fella who played the wildlife marshall or whatever, he was pretty funny. I liked seeing Gus Van Sant acknowledge publicly that he’s a big fat sellout who makes garbage now because he likes money and doesn’t mind making garbage if he gets money. Occasionally matt damon or the dawson’s creek fella would have a good line delivery or what not. etc. You can’t really blame most of these celebrities who do cameos, I’m sure they had fun.

But please, youth of america. Hear my plea. There was a young fella who directed a critically acclaimed independent feature last year who was asked if Kelvin Smith was a big inspiration to up and coming filmmakers, and he said that no, Smith was just creating a “special olympics of film” and lowering the standards for everyone. Please, kids. Let’s raise those hurdles just a LITTLE tiny bit. Let’s go to the six foot hoop instead of the little adjustable plastic one. Let’s take off the training wheels. Let’s at the very least NEVER, EVER AGAIN do a fucking movie parody and pretend that it’s funny. And make up some new jokes every once in a while.

PLEASE PEOPLE. I’M BEGGING YOU.

Please. I can’t take much more of this garbage you’re making.

Please.

thanks boys,

Vern

P.S. Seriously guys. No more.

Originally posted at Aint-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/9809

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 2:16 a.m. CST

    Jay, Bob…

    by MCVamp

    That backstage thing did make me think of Pee Wee. Maybe that was the intent. Regardless, J&SBSB should be pretty not bad… as for the other, uh, film… I’ll catch it on Cinemax next year or something. HooHah.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 2:17 a.m. CST

    Oh, and…

    by MCVamp

    Vern’s nuts. Gotta love the guy for being honestly nuts in this world we live in. And take note, I ruined it for the “FIRST!!!” assholes. You’re welcome.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 2:24 a.m. CST

    On second thought….

    by MCVamp

    Vern isn’t nuts at all. In fact, that second review was probably the most sensible, helpful and TRUTHFUL review I’ve read in weeks. Damn, though, bet ya that Smith-worshippers are going to blow snot all over this TB in his defense. And with that, I will stop annoying multiple posting and not touch this TB again unles spoken to. Sorry, TBers, it’s been a long day and sometimes my thoughts come in sad little bunches.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 3 a.m. CST

    Bad movies and Ginger snaps

    by EvilHal

    It’s always a joy to read about all the bad movies you are enduring on your side of the pond, knowing that they are coming to ruin my trips to the cinema for the next few months. However I did get to enjoy Ginger snaps during it’s limited run at a handful of cinemas over here. Does it piss me off that a film this entertaining and intelligent gets seen by a handful of people at a few art house cinemas while utter rubbish clogs up my local multiplex, damn right it does, but at least they made it and at least I got to watch it.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 4:02 a.m. CST

    Emperors New Parody

    by Albumen

    You know, I realised something the other day.

    I was looking at my movie collection, and saw Clerks, Mallrats & Chasing Amy. Nice Kevin Smith collection, because he’s such a genius and his writing is so cool. Right?

    Then I caught Dogma on cable for the first time since I really enjoyed it at the cinema.

    And you know what?

    It was bad. Embarrassingly bad. Awful, half assed, clunky bad.

    So, I got to thinking about Clerks,the movie that I really feel in love with, which spoke to me personally and is still a favourite film of mine because it’s so personal, clever and real zeitgeist movie making of the time.

    Basically Kevin Smith really pulled the wool over my eyes with that picture.

    I loved it so much that my subconscious has since reasoned “hey it’s a Kevin Smith movie, you’re going to love it.”

    So I’ve sat through Mallrats & Chasing Amy and Dogma (the first time), with a strained smile on my face, squeezing out laughs and thinking “hey this is great…? The mans a genius…?”

    Now I finally have to own up to myself.

    Clerks… Top movie!

    Mallrats… 6th form school play.

    Chasing Amy… Irritatingly, insultingly naieve.

    Dogma… Fucking terrible.

    I’ve done it. I’m free. I wont be seeing the new one in a hurry.

    Self reverential fan-boy post modernism does not a movie make.

    Sorry.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 4:39 a.m. CST

    So, tell us what you really think about it!

    by Lance Rock

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 5:18 a.m. CST

    Vern, relax yourself.

    by disarm

    Hey, first time poster long time reader.

    Aren’t you forgetting one thing? This is supposed to be a fun movie, everyone knows it’s a big joke, people that go to the movie aren’t looking to write a big review on here, they’re looking to kill some time.

    Not every movie has to have a point, or have some meaning of life that you have to walk out of the theatre and go “Wow, I should be a priest!”

    Are you one of the guys that saw “Dude where’s my car” came out all mad because you wasted your money? Didn’t you see it coming with a title like “Dude where

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 5:24 a.m. CST

    What the hell is…

    by kid_ego

    a filmatist? or scientifical? Get a damn dictionary dude and stop wasting our time with your half-assed, unintelligent rants. Make a movie on par with anything Smith has done and I’ll see that you have a valid opinion…otherwise, take your 1791 words and compress it to around 10… “I hated the film because I thought it was stupid.” … What was Vern in _prison_ for again??

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 5:33 a.m. CST

    Vern: Cultural Entrepreneur

    by IcebergSlim20

    Judging my your first review, I think it’s fair to assume that you’ve never left your double-wide trailer, let alone the state you live in…..and for that, I’m thankful.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 5:40 a.m. CST

    Also, in Canada, They Wear Hats on Their Feet, and Hamburgers Ea

    by Prankster

    Jeeeeez. Maybe you haven’t heard, but Canada is on the greater North American landmass too. We get all the same TV shows and movies (unlike other countries, the same day they open in the states) and music, to the point where we barely have a culture of our own. It’s not like we’re sitting around saying, “Hollywood? What’s that? No, the center of the film industry is Sudbury!” Also, Mimi Rogers, an American, is one of the stars of Ginger Snaps. But for crying out loud, all the Canadians went to see The Mummy Returns and Rush Hour 2 this summer. We’re just as ignorant of Ginger Snaps as you Americans. I’m pretty sure that “America’s more stringent cultural standards” was a joke, but still. Also, why don’t more Americans like hockey? Why isn’t it a “real sport”? There’s just as much violence and last-minute action as football. That what you Americans like, right?

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6 a.m. CST

    Hey Vern, here in Canada we’re getting ” Halloween” released on

    by BigTuna

    What an idiot this guy is. As another poster mentioned Canada gets movies on the exact same day as they are released in the U.S In fact here in toronto we get a lot of films before the majority of U.S cities do (aside from L.A and New York) And what’s the big deal about pronouncing words differently? In the good ole’ U.S of A people pronounce words differently in the South, midwest, northeast etc. Ignorant American.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6 a.m. CST

    Haw!

    by soylentphil

    Damn, I’m impressed this review was allowed on. Can anyone tell me what filmmaker (rightly) charged that Smith has lowered the standards? I’d love to know . . .

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6:05 a.m. CST

    Comedy huh?

    by manchap

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6:06 a.m. CST

    What a Stupid Review!!

    by KnightFire

    Who is this guy??

    Why would such a great site with great and smart people give an idiot like Vern a place to give his dumbass reviews??

    I mean he didn’t once know the name of the director of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back!! calling him Kerwin or Kelvin?? Is that supposed to be funny? It’s not. Saying Canada is years behind the US? Give me a break jerk.

    I respect anyones smart reviews if they like or don’t like something and try to be funny about it but this guy Vern is just a jerk and shouldn’t be on this great site.

    Here’s my 2 cents you don’t like it too bad!

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6:13 a.m. CST

    Comedy huh?

    by manchap

    Kevin Smith movies make people laugh. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s not nearly as ‘funny’ as some of it is ‘shocking,or grotesque.’ But what makes his movies different is that he always interjects SOME intelligence, provokes some thought and, yes, makes you laugh with silky smooth dialogue rants. I’m sorry, I don’t laugh enough as it is. So Vern, sounds like you and the chain gang should aviod Osmosis Jones this weekend as well. Beware…I heard it is a ‘fun-gross’ movie. Ya know what I mean. (sorry)

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6:19 a.m. CST

    Thank God

    by abcdefz1

    I’ve watched clips of Clerks, read the screenplay for Dogma, and just did not see the fanboy attraction to Kevin Smith. Some of the stuff in Clerks was kind of interesting, but it wasn’t really fully developed; as if a decent idea was enough to substitute for real craft. Nope. So when I read the screaming delight over the trailers for Jay and Silent Bob, I took a look. I got precisely one chuckle and lots of grimaces. Not only is Ben Affleck saying that Miramax will probably get Allfeck and Damon, etc. a bad idea, but it’s a badly-written bad idea. So it’s nice to see someone finally call this stuff for what it is.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6:29 a.m. CST

    McFrenzy give us a shout

    by reni

    Vern superb work sir, speaking of lunatics where’s McFrenzy???

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 6:31 a.m. CST

    Pronounced “Sorry” Wrong ?!??!

    by Trematode

    First of all…just because something is pronounced differently doesn’t mean it’s “wrong”. Secondly – HUH?!?! uh, what the heck are you talking about? or should I say aboot? (that seems to be the running Canadian gag…although no one says it and I myself just laugh that most Americans take it as the truth) I’m Canadian and haven’t once noticed a difference between the pronounciation of “sorry” – Sorry is Sorry, how many different ways are there to say it? Oh And “B” (short for Bridget) being too corny by American Standards? Um…just to point out one fanboy connection – Faith (Eliza Dushku) calls Buffy “B” on the popular “American” show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Is Faith’s character somehow Canadian? I doubt it. Anyways, I saw Ginger Snaps the first weekend it came out…damn fine film. Oh and Ginger (Katharine Isabelle) just shows up on that godawful show “The Immortal” with Lorenzo Lamas!

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 7:05 a.m. CST

    libby joe bob gelman waxler-briggs

    by capt jack aubrey

    jeez…i guess satire does close on saturdays ’round these parts, huh? was it only 10-15 years ago that paul rudnick and john bloom could swagger and swish through our lives with glee? has the immediacy of the internet rendered everything literal? like joe bob briggs and libby gelman-waxner, vern seems to be a bit of a put-on, or at least a jacked-up exaggeration…i’m not saying this review or writing is on the same level as rudnick and bloom (and most would argue that even their level is nothing too lofty…somewhere terry southern spins…), but to attack him as a buffoon or as silly is to sort of, um, miss the point…and even though i’m growing to love kelvin or kerwin smith and am looking forward to JSBSB, i agree that vern does have a valid point…see, son, it’s, i say, it’s a joke, son, a funny, a gag…

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 7:32 a.m. CST

    All that rape in prison must have ruined you sense of humor Vern

    by butcher666

    I haven’t seen J&SBSB yet but Kevin Smith is one funny bastard. Putting Jason Mewes and Jeff Anderson (Jay and Randal Graves) on the screen, and giving them some of the funniest and most outrageous lines in the history of film is not an easy thing to do. I’m sure this film is very funny. All the reviews I’ve seen say it is funny as hell. I just think you don’t get it Vern. I am curious (seriously) to know what movies you do find funny.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Vern, you rock!

    by spyridon

    Someone send that review to Kevin Smith. Finally someone tells it like it is!

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 8:03 a.m. CST

    Keep your Alexandra DuMcSweeney & John HakkenBecker, Vern is sim

    by Ruby_Rod

    The most thorough, the funniest, the most insightful. If you think Vern’s “an idiot,” you’re an idiot, and probably a snob. BITCHES… LEAVE!

    Nosehole

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 8:05 a.m. CST

    *snigger*

    by Phazer

    “America’s more stringent cultural standards” ?

    Ahahahhahahahhahahhaaaa….whoohahahahhahh hahahha ahahahh hahahhahhahah….. Ha… Ahhhhahahahahahahaha…..

    Oh dear…..

    Ah hahahhahah hahhah haah ahah ahha ha ha ha…….. I think I’m done now.

    The man has a point – he can call Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back unfunny, because this guy is the comedy genius of our generation. I don’t care – let’s face it I’m only going to watch Eliza Dushku and friends in tight leather catsuits.

    By the way, caught Ginger Snaps in it’s limited theatrical release here in the UK – it’s pretty good. Certainly better than anything else out last month. Shame on your distributors for making it STV in the USA. Not too sure about the ending, but otherwise very slick.

    “Stringent cultural standards” That’ll keep me going all week.

    Phazer

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Vern, Vern, Vern

    by Jonkman

    To bad you ruined what could of been a great review of the movie Ginger Snaps by displaying your complete ingnorance of Canada.

    We do play organized “real” sports up here, we pronounce “sorry” differently not wrong. Canada is host to a whole lot of US televised shows and movie productions. That is the reason we are called Hollywood North. We are not 2 years behind in anything. I deal with many people from the US on a daily basis and for the most part they are educated and somewhat wordly. That is why I can’t help but point out your complete ignorance. Like I said, you took what was looking like an intelligent, edgy review and turned it into some ignorant drival.

    Jonkman

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 8:50 a.m. CST

    Lord help me it hurts.

    by Juggernaut125

    Oh. God. OH GOD! Oh MY GOD. It hurts so much to read what the responses of many of you TBers. Here’s a hint. Read Vern’s review again but this time, take the “Kevin Smith fan-boy, I’m culturally enlightened, or it’s just a movie” blinders off. I will lay odds that if Mr. Smith himself read Vern’s review, that he would get an embarrassed kick out of it. I like Kevin Smith. I caught him when he showed up on Dennis Miller Live. He seems quite intelligent and has a great sense of humour. The man picketed his own flick for Christ’s sake. So, what many of you tber’s fail to realize. Vern’s on the money with his review. Granted I haven’t seen J&SBSB. But I will when it’s released here in Toronto regardless of Vern’s criticism. But that doesn’t mean I can’t see what he is trying to lay down for us. Comic book, film and TV cultured referential pap and parody is what passes for pure pleasure these days. It made Kevin Smith an industry favorite and as another astute TBer stated, he has pulled the wool over our eyes by twisting our perceptions on what to expect from a movie. But remember, twist too much and you’ll snap. As a pleasant segue, Ginger Snaps seems to be getting some fantastic reviews too. Guess it’s time to put this on the “must see” list. Also, as a Canadian, I’d like to chime in and say, I have a sense of humour about myself and my Country, so thankfully, I’m able to get Vern’s jokes about us too. And Vern, if you weren’t joking, then fuck you and John Wayne’s horse you rode in on.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 9:04 a.m. CST

    Vern, you kill me

    by otis von zipper

    Didn’t read all of the Ginger Snaps review, cause I want to see it without the knowledge. But, your review of Jay & Bob was killing me. I’ve been saying it for years that these “parodies” aren’t clever or really that funny and totally depend on having seen the original material. Think of Airplane. They parodied the disater movies in general without making specific refernces to certain movie moments and it was very very very funny. Basically, if you had seen 1 disaster flick, you could get the jokes. Now we have Scary Movie where they parody a Nike commercial (???) by simply copying it but having people act stupid and that’s suppose to be funny????? I don’t get it. I love to laugh, but this stupid shit just ain’t funny. I may still see Jay & Bob, because I did really enjoy Clerks, but you point is very valid, and I find it sorry that most people don’t understand that.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Here’s my *coughjealous* rant….er movie review

    by SilentBob X

    Was this a movie review? Sounds like jealous posturing to me. Vern, if all you were going to do was shit all over the legacy of

    Kevin Smith, at least have the decency to acknowledge that, instead of disguising it as a movie review. And, did it ever occur to you that this was Kevin’s

    LAST ViewAskewniverse film?? So,

    you don’t have to worry anymore

    about big bad Kevin Smith bothering you anymore. Fuck, I

    thought movie reviews were supposed to OBJECTIVE. Snootch to the Nootch.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Talkbackers could learn from this guy

    by PKD

    here is a guy who is being honest, but is also saying “hey, if you like this, then so be it” – he is stating HIS opinion and letting others have theirs. For fuck sake, there are talkbackers here who are wondering why they should even bother reading a review from this guy – tell ya what fucko – nobody wants to read your fucking crap either – here are some of my favorites (MY COMMENTS IN CAPS) – From: mtoppi

    Subject: IS THIS A REAL REVIEW???

    Comment: Is this guy for real? I don’t get it. I’m not impressed by every asshole’s review of a picture I want to see. Can’t you guys start up a policy that if you’re a nobody and you’re not funny and you want to review a movie you have to keep it short, sweet, and to the point??? HOW ABOUT A POLICY THAT IF YOU ARE A LITTLE BITCH THEN YOU DON’T GET TO POST IN THE TB?? ———-

    From: Sithlordkilla

    Subject: Ya know what I mean, Vern…

    Comment: Damn, sounds like you got nothing better to do with your time, Vern. I can’t believe you wasted so much space ripping someone for long time running jokes when you own name is a punch line for Jim Varny. You know what I mean, Vern. Pathetic. NO, PATHETIC IS SPENDING THE TIME TO MAKE A POST FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF RIPPING SOMEONE ELSE FOR THEIR OWN OPINION

    ————– From: kid_ego

    Subject: What the hell is…

    Comment: a filmatist? or scientifical? Get a damn dictionary dude and stop wasting our time with your half-assed, unintelligent rants. Make a movie on par with anything Smith has done and I’ll see that you have a valid opinion…otherwise, take your 1791 words and compress it to around 10… “I hated the film because I thought it was stupid.” … What was Vern in _prison_ for again??

    ——————- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JDGE SOMEONE’S OPINION AS “VALID”? GET OVER YOURSELF!!

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 9:24 a.m. CST

    Snootch to the correctional facility

    by Gaynootch

    Isn’t it Smith’s “last” Jay and Silent Bob flick because Mewes is about to go to prison for a few years on a heroin charge? I’ll bet you a smelly XXL overcoat that when Jay gets paroled, there will be a sixth Jay and Silent Bob film “because the fans demanded it.”

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 9:32 a.m. CST

    Blah, blah, blah

    by Enigma?

    Vern, you’re cool as hell.

    For you bitches gripping about Vern: get over yourselves. It would seem evident to me that he is kidding about the Canada and young people jabs.

    I’ve liked or loved every movie Kevin Smith has done so far, and that means: I’ll be in line come opening weekend. What that doesn’t mean is: I have to blindly assume I’ll like ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back’ just because it’s Kevin Smith. And it doesn’t mean I have to scream at and denounce anyone who has, in fact, seen it and didn’t like it.

    All that said, ‘Ginger Snaps’ sounds like an interesting movie. If I can find it, I think I’ll see it.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Right on… Smith’s a jerk

    by The_Black_Hair

    Kevin Smith’s greatest accomplishment is nailing down the role that Ben Affleck can play (in “Chasing Amy”). His movies are so smug, it’s like he’s grabbin you by the collar and screaming “SEE HOW CLEVER I AM?!?!? CAN’T YOU SEE?!?!” And he has the nerve to bash folks like Tim Burton and P.T. Anderson? Didn’t he call “Magnolia” an abortion or something like that? Any given scene in that film contains more genuine passion and talent than Smith can even concieve of. And I don’t think “Magnolia” is a masterpiece, but man I’d rather see it ten times before I see another movie where Smith tries to prove how clever he can be noting how many movies made after 1977 he’s seen and how many comic books he’s read. Seeing films by filmmakers whose talent obviously surpasses his own in every way must make his brain twitch. And it makes him jealous, so he has to bash them. Smith might be reading this right now and wimpering and thinking “I know! I’ll make a Jay and Silent Bob sequel to get back at this guy!” Is he really bashing TALKBACKERS in his new movie?!?! Oy! How can someone so insecure get work?

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Those of you wo diss Kevin Smith are forgetting one thing

    by PKD

    Kevin is not a guy who has devoted years of his life to learning his craft or who made filmmaking his life – rather, he made a small film for the pure enjoyment of it (Clerks), saw it take off and become a huge hit and now, he gets paid shitloads of money to make funny, but poorly directed films – he himself doesn;t think he can direct and wonders why he keeps getting money to do it – but here’s the thing – any of you would do the same thing. If someone came to me and said “here’s a million bucks, direct this film” I wouldn;t even ask what it was about. Smith is not pretentious about his work, he holds no illusions about its importance – he just makes films that he thinks are funny and gives it to the studio – its their job to see that it makes money. In a summer where we have been inundated with pre-fabricated crap, I would think that more people would appreciate Kevin Smith’s complete independence and rejection of notions of craft and technique. The bottom line is (and I got this straight from Kevin Smith when he was at the TO FIlm fest) that Kevin Smith doesn;t give a shit if you like his movies. If nobody saw his movies and he was no longer able to direct, he’d shrug his shoulders and move on to something else. That is why i respect him – he panders to no one and looks for approval from no one but himself.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 10:13 a.m. CST

    To Albumen

    by The Zug

    I’m so glad to read that somebody else hated Dogma. I thought it was one of the worst movies I’ve seen in the last ten years. Clerks was a funny nothing of a movie, Chasing Amy was tolerable only, and Dogma was horrid. I just couldn’t believe the good reviews it got. Whatever points Smith should get for bravery he loses in execution.

    I do like his work on Green Arrow, though. I’d read his comics anytime.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 10:16 a.m. CST

    response to PKD’s previous post

    by The_Black_Hair

    I’m glad Smith acknowledges that he’s not that talented and all, that’s great. He’d have been spared my scorn if only he didn’t go out of his way to slam the P.T. Andersons and Tim Burtons of the world. Mr. Smith, you are out of their league, so stay within your bounds.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 10:24 a.m. CST

    i want my screener pass back(why j&sbsb sucks)

    by xlogik909

    wow…its been a couple weeks since i saw jay and bob strike back and im so hoping smith releases the actual not so sucky version into theatres. i’m a rabid jersey trilogy smith fan, but even i was a bit stunned

    by ho wkevin falls asleep at the wheel at this one half way through. this film is funny as shit til they go on their road trip, and even though ya dont see it really in the commercials, THIS FILM TURNS INTO SCARY MOVIE!

    thats right, sub par zucker movie parodies and an endless concerto of gay sex jokes. they even take the little shred of dignity mark hamil has and stomps him to pieces. while i dont see why glaad was upset, i could see how aicn talkbackers will be upset…not so much cuz the whole film revolves around a *very* AICN ‘thread’, but because its an insult to even the most pleasable of smart indie fans.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Vern is a dumb ass, check out his website “Supporting Bad Ass: R

    by cthulhu_

    Wow he really is a dumb ass. Bruce Willis is remembered for his Moonlighting comedy days? wtf?!?! Ray Park was in a Star Trek movie?!?! This guy needs to fuckin die.http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern/OutlawAwards.html

    Case in point, check out the Ray Park thing. Jet Li for Karate? Christ I hope this guy fuckin dies… please someone put a 7.62×51 round in his fuckin head.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 11:54 a.m. CST

    SHAVE MY POODLE!!

    by Filmjester

    WOOF!

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 12:02 p.m. CST

    Mr. Smith goes to Hollywood.

    by dicepics

    Although I agree with vern that the use of pop culture references is way out of control, Kevin Smith is at least good at it. I am the same age as Kevin Smith and I think it reflects the television generation. We don’t go out and do things. We experience life through the idiot box and movies so that’s what we know. Kevin is just writing what he knows. Life in New Jersey seen through his television. It’s not pretty but it can pretty damn funny.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 12:29 p.m. CST

    “real sports” oh sweet mother of…

    by Bill_Clay

    I’m racking my brain to figure out just how you pronounce sorry wrong. Was kind of a “sarry” sound? Oh and what the fuck did that have to do with the movie? How many people had a problem with Renton saying shite 349 times (or so) in Trainspotting? And I definitely have a problem with the hockey-bashing. Best sport ever! But oh well, I guess that’s just the “personal touch” that AICN reviews are supposed to contain. I’ll definitely be checking out GS if it ever shows up as a rental near me. As for J&SBSB if this guy doesn’t appreciate Kevin Smith’s work, fine. But I sure as hell am not going to take his opinion seriously.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 12:33 p.m. CST

    Prison Love

    by Feedbag

    Where does an ex-con get off ranting on Kevin Smith?

    I dont go to the movies to see little wimpy stories of some guy with lupus’ plight to climba galcier. i don’t go to the movies to watch julia roberts portray a secretary. i go to hear “pole smoker” references and star wars inuendos. The only tragedy of film today is that there are not any good spoofs lately. Leslie Nielson should be given Cesar-like powers over greenlighting films.

    Kevin Smith aunz all your asses.

    He’s the best thing since multi-angle DVD pr0n.

    Pole Smokers, all of ya.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 12:36 p.m. CST

    huh?

    by capt jack aubrey

    <<I thought movie reviews were supposed to OBJECTIVE>> this response has always spun my head around when i’ve written reviews…how could any review possibly be “objective”? i always thought the whole point of a review was to see what someone thought of a work, whether or not they liked it and why or why not….the better critics will strive to be fair and openminded and to explain and support their opinions, but if a review contains no opinion, then what’s the point of it? we come to this site for two reasons: to get tidbits of news about upcoming projects and to hear what people think of finished or near-finished films (and to hear goofy stories about harry et al’s lives)… If I want objective i’ll read the cast and crew list on IMDB

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 12:41 p.m. CST

    objective has nothing to do with it

    by Feedbag

    the problem isnt objectivity, its that this throwaway from the big house has a problem with funney movies. Kevin Smith has teh funney. Leslie Neilson has teh funney. This Buckaroo BigHouse Bobby does not have teh funney

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 12:44 p.m. CST

    So explain this to me…

    by Diz

    Why can’t Kevin Smith rip on other directors? Because he is one? Because he is (self-admitedly) a poor director? WTF? He has no right to voice his opinions? Boo hoo, Kevin Smith doesn’t like your favorite director. SO WHAT. Why does anyone care what Smith’s opinion is anyway, especially if you don’t like him? ************* What I resent in Vern’s review is the overall undertone of “I don’t find this funny and neither should you”. Vern, I can live with you hating Smith’s films, why can’t you live with me liking them?

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 2:07 p.m. CST

    That’s my Vern – kicking some serious ass and taking names

    by maxwelll demon

    Vern’s website was a refreshing steel-toed boot to the sternum after reading the obsequious “so-and-so is an auteur – an Auteur! I say” tongue-washings that appear around these parts these days. God I love the tantalizing potpouri of righteous blue-collar (if only simulated) indignation and criticism-that-leaves-scars that wafts off Vern’s writing. Make him a regular Harry – or I walk. Wonder how Kevvy-Wevvy is taking the bodyshots . . . Maybe he’ll fire off a red-flagged message (complete with knee-jerk “air-quotes”) on his ViewAscrew website to the lap-dog faithful. See ya tubby-bitch.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Listen up you primitive screwheads

    by bluefox

    Obviously Vern is just a character devised by the people who put together that geocities website. Harry probably is perfectly aware of this and thinks that you will also be smart enough to figure it out. Harry you overestimate the intelligence of your readers. Are they doing a serious review, yes, but is Vern a real guy, NO. Get a clue.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 2:33 p.m. CST

    the thing about Kevin Smith….

    by The_Black_Hair

    Sure he has a right to express his opinions… I guess the other thing that irritates me is the influence Smith has had on so many young filmmakers. Thankfully his influence is declining a bit but for a while there was a whole genre of talky, crappy, anti-cinematic indie garbage being produced on the heels of “Clerks”. It was this commercialization of indie films where investors looked for cheap, rambling screenplays from young writers that they could shoot on three locations because they thought our generation would eat it up like we did “Clerks”. Kevin Smith, to me, is an anti-cinema demagogue. So it’s expecially revolting to see him blast more talented film makers… Anderson and Burton aren’t my favorite directors, BTW, but they aren’t crapping all over the art of cinema. And why would he be blasting other film makers if his supposed honesty about his own abilities were genuine? Maybe Smith was kidding about suing Burton (remember, the two also have a history with the “Superman Lives” project… I’m sure Smith is bitter about Burton tossing his script), but I perfectly understand (and beleive) Burton’s comment that he would never read something written by Smith.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 3:34 p.m. CST

    Canadiens do speak funny,just ask me, I used to live there.

    by JUSTICE41

    When i went from New Yawk to Pickering Ontario, I was in culture shock. All the people, white black, west indian, whatever, all spoke in this scottish, irish, english, funny way.Come on who can’t think a whole society that Says the last letter of the alphabet as a word, is not a little off kilter.Zed? Is not the last letter of the alphabet. Any word with an “O” in it sounds like “OO”, as in ABOOT,instead of about.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 3:47 p.m. CST

    if you are offended…

    by bookiebob

    …you are a moron.

    The “Vern” fellow is nothing but an Andy Kaufman style gag. The jabs at Canadians and what-not are part of the joke. They want you to get mad so they can laugh at you. Although it is true that Kevin Smith is a piss poor directer.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 5:16 p.m. CST

    I don’t care who he is, God bless Vern!

    by LairyFights

    I have to admit that, as an Independant filmmaker, I was *greatly* inspired by Kevin Smith. I mean, if he can be a successful filmmaker putting out the crap he does, hell, ANYONE CAN! Thanks Kalvin, you give me hope! God bless America! I

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 7:19 p.m. CST

    BEGIN SARCASM:// Wait, you mean a movie called “Jay and Silent

    by TruPhan

    *gasp*! Actually, to tell you all the truth, I didn’t read all of this idiots review. Why? Well, in so many words…”it sucked”. See? I can say something sucks without having to rant on for over 1000 words. PS: Make a movie before you review one. That way, I can respect what you say. It worked for me.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Only in America

    by ShogunofHarlem

    I’ve seen numerous references to Ignorant American, would you please simply refer to him as ignorant.

  • Aug. 9, 2001, 8:57 p.m. CST

    DOGMA SUCKS, God, that was cathartic!!!

    by Huneybee

    I almost did not even read this tb as I am soooo tired of the remarks from all the “I Love J&SB” or “I Love Kevin Smith” bumpersticker owners. NOTE: I DO want to see Clerks as almost everyone agrees it was good. Albumen and The Zug, I hope three isn’t a crowd in this instance!____Bee

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 12:29 a.m. CST

    I like Vern. I like the above poster who “freed himself” from K

    by Cthulu

    Smooth move on admitting KS has made but one good movie, CLERKS. Every independent film maker could learn a great deal from that one… including Kevin Smith! Have Vern come back often too. I like his style. By the way Vern, the problem with these “young fuckers” is they’re “young.” They’ll laugh at shit we got bored with eons ago. BRRRRRRRAP! Oops! Pardon my backfire, heh-heh. But I just love them 7-11 burritos!

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 12:42 a.m. CST

    Vern responds to you talkback fuckers

    by Vern

    Look, I tried to make it clear that the Kevin Smitts fans would enjoy this picture. The screening I was at wasn’t packed but the young folks in there obviously loved the shit out of the movie. As Mr. Smith would say, they sucked this movie’s cock like a bunch of buttfucking cocksucker polesmoking faggots and gays. Anyway, my review was not for you kids. It was for the adults who do not enjoy these Leslie Nielson type parody pictures. I agree that my piece could have been a little better had it been alot longer however I feel that most readers of this particular “internet” medium are not yet ready for the true power of pure film Writing. That is why three or four talkbackers said that instead of reading film essays, they just want to read somebody say “it sucks.” Anyway please just think of this particular work as a primal scream against the growing tide of empty pop culture references. It is time for postpostmodern, my friends. It is time to rebuild the fourth wall. This picture represents the zenith of the Scream/Dawson’s Creek/Kevin Smitts cycle of characters put on screen just to talk about what other characters did on screen before. I believe it will finally eat itself and that is something to celebrate. * * * As for the canadians and other foreigners offended by my ginger snaps comments. I truly apologize because I was just pulling your leg. I’m sure hockey is a real sport underneath all those pads. It just pains me to see little kids spending money on all those helmets and pads and sticks and skates when all americans need is one basketball and a rusty hoop with no net. Anyway if anybody has real sports it is the brits who have less pads than american football players. So hooray for brits. However your crime movies do leave something to be desired. * * * One last thing about that “don’t say something bad unless you’ve made a movie yourself” nonsense. I gotta call retarded bullshit on that action. If you went to a restaraunt and you found a tampon in your soup would you say, “Damn it, this shit tastes like tampons!”? Or would you say, “Well, I can’t really complain, I’ve never made this type of soup myself”? Movies were not made just for filmatists to share with each other. And we are allowed to have opinions about them, at least in the us and canada.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 1:06 a.m. CST

    I am stunned…

    by Jerk_Sisko

    Nothing on Aint It Cool News has ever affected me as greatly as this article has. I’ve always been the guy who couldn’t stop quoting and praising Kevin Smith movies to his friends. I haven’t felt this way since I was in junior high, and I realized that knights who say “Ni” and cows being shot from catapults aren’t funny, they’re retarded. I am ashamed for laughing at Kevin Smith movies. I’ve put money in that guy’s pocket so I could hear Star Wars jokes a fourth grader could have thought up. I said I liked Dogma! What the fuck is wrong with me?! The Wayans brothers are idiots for trying to entertain us with poorly conceived gross-out sex jokes, but Kevin Smith’s corpse-sex and “37!” in Clerks is brilliant because of the “independant contractors” scene?! How could I be this blind? I’ve talked shit about anyone who laughed at the stoned bluescreen flying dog in “Half Baked”, but I thought Jay getting the game show contestants stoned in Mallrats was funny! I’m ashamed of myself…

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 5:50 a.m. CST

    Interesting comparison

    by esheep

    Thank you very much. There’s one review of the latest ViewAskew by Harry making perfectly clear WHY he thinks this movie is funny in spite of it being a dig at people such as us, whilst this one here does exactly what Kevin Smith is so pissed off about: ranting for the hell of it. I happen to like the idea that every film of Kevin’s more or less refers to the others, and yes, I also find it funny. Now I’m told I’m not allowed to find it funny and call myself an adult or serious film fan (because for that I have to watch Japanese pictures, please…)at the same time. I am seriously delighted. So now I know. NOT! (By the way, that was a reference, too, to Wayne’s World, and therefore, as I have just learned, it does not constitute a joke.)

    I’m looking forward to seeing Smith’s latest low-brow self-referential and maybe even pseudo-witty film. Hope he does another one with Ben Affleck with wings… That’d be nice, too.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 6:38 a.m. CST

    I’m not gay

    by soylentphil

    But I would gladly be Vern’s bitch in prison. You fucks have no more piss – Vern has taken it all out of you. What does he plan to do with all this piss? If I weren’t so fucked up on over the counter pain relievers, maybe I could theorize. I love Vern. I would wilt in his arms like a 40s gun moll.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 6:43 a.m. CST

    Vern is so original

    by haywoodjablowme

    Hey, did every one forget that most of Kevin Smith’s work is comedy. Comedy generally isn’t of the high brow variety (if some one can name some “high brow” comedies I’d appreciate it). Kevin Smith works with some low brow humor but also some intellectual concept interspersed throughout his work. Not many can work in some thought provoking ideas into their comedies without destroying them. Although Parker and Stone managed to do it in South Park and they (by the way, Vern) were the first on the Canadian assault. Try coming up with your own original ideas before accusing others of being unoriginal. Hell, I saw an episode of Arli$$ that pretty much bashed Canadians in the exact same method you did and I don’t consider Arli$$ to be a bastion of intellectual thought.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 7:36 a.m. CST

    Christ

    by soylentphil

    Hey, don’t blame us because you watch fucking Arliss. And don’t blame us if you don’t know of any smart comedies – try watching more movies. Vern didn’t have a problem with Smith’s humor being lowbrow, he had a problem with it being tired as fuck. Why do Smith fans argue points that their opponents haven’t even made? You’re all on fucking autopilot.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 8:04 a.m. CST

    I agree with Vern on Smith yet I still think he’s an A-hole!

    by BigTuna

    I’m certainly not a fan of Smith’s. I don’t get at all what people find so amusing about Jay and Silent Bob, but anyhow, Vern is still a jerk for insulting hockey, the best damn sport in the world! So what if people wear a lot of padding in hockey? It’s a violent sport. Guys have lost eyes in hockey and gotten their throats cut. There are some guys who even use their sticks as weapons. Hockey is truly a man’s sport. Just watch the playoffs just once to see why. It’s not like that boring “America’s National pasttime” of baseball to see what a woman’s sport is all about. Where guys can go on the 15 day DL for a freaking hangnail. Hockey rules!

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 9:09 a.m. CST

    soylentphil should read closer

    by haywoodjablowme

    Maybe you should take your own advice about being on autopilot. I never complained about watching Arli$$ just noted that Vern was using material that had already been used before. Second, I asked for some high intelligence comedies and since you “watch so many movies” maybe you could have named a couple. Try not bashing on autopilot.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 10:37 a.m. CST

    Well, if you wanna nitpick

    by soylentphil

    “soylentphil should read more closely” would have been a better phrase, but still incorrect. “Read more carefully” is probably what you meant. The bit about Arliss? That was me fucking with you. Intelligent comedies? “Patti Rocks”, “The Producers”, “Raising Arizona” (which gives you the double head spin of being a smart comedy about dumb people), “O Brother Where Art Thou”, “Broadcast News”, “Annie Hall”, “After Hours”. This could take a while, junior. And to reiterate, no one was pointing out that Smith’s films are somehow not intelligent. They were their smarts on their sleeves. They’re just not terribly original, at least not after five of the fucking things.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 10:45 a.m. CST

    High brow comedies

    by LairyFights

    Just a few off the top of my head: The Birdcage (I think that’s right – with Robin Williams & Nathan Lane), Four Weddings & a Funeral (arguably), Dr. Strangelove, Any Peter Sellers movie for that matter. But comedy doesn’t have to be high brow to be good, it just has to be *funny*. Kevin Smith is not. He’s just doing the same tired jokes over and over again. – LF (This post better not get sent all the way up front to oblivion like my last one.)

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 4:32 p.m. CST

    Vern’s review of Jay and Bob

    by makin’ bacon

    It doesn’t have to be brand new or intelligent to be considered funny. Just a note to those who think otherwise.

    How many times did Lucy “have some ‘splainin’ to do. Is it especially smart, no. Is it original after the millionth time, no. But is it funny, you bet.

    If Kevin Smith tried to pass off his movies as the brilliant works of a literary mastermind, I would agree with you but he doesn’t. In everything I’ve ever read about him he describes his movies as “a lot of dick and fart jokes” which they are.

    Is Richard Pryor great? Damn straight. But if all you ever heard wad Richard Pryor material it’d get old. Comparing the two isn’t really fair. Both funny but in different ways

    Kevin Smith makes movies for people with interests similar to his own and I for one quite enjoy them.

  • Aug. 10, 2001, 6:30 p.m. CST

    DOGMA…

    by bookiebob

    WAS THE MOST INEPT PIECE OF CRAP EVER FILMED. What was he thinking?

  • Nov. 20, 2002, 3:15 p.m. CST

    What the…

    by ReputaTheBeuta

    This Vern is such a baaad writer. And criticizing Kevin Smith’s writing style? Please. Smith could write a review 10x better than that. Oh…wait…

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Thursday, August 9th, 2001 at 2:10 am and is filed under AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back”

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