“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Coin Toss 2000

Okay, so I was wrong about there being a new president chosen by the time you read LAST week’s column. I was wrong about all this politics shit being over with. So sue me. I didn’t know this was how it went down these days all right.

But I can’t help but get a kick out of all this. As a Writer and Poet I am a believer in metaphors. Somebody told me that there was no better metaphor for the political process today than the state of Minnesota choosing a professional wrestler as their governor. They trust ANYBODY more than a politician, even somebody whose job is pretend fighting. Some other great candidates would be an inflatable sex doll, a crash test dummy, a scarecrow, a stunt double, a celebrity lookalike. I wonder if Bruce Li is an american citizen?

Well this election shows that disillusion on a national level. I’m sure a few jackasses will interpret this to mean that America is more divided than ever. But I think it shows that we are all united in our lack of passion for either of these corporate financed motherfuckers.

Election night was alot of fun too because every single expert and prediction turned out to be wrong. They went in with their noses up and came out broken and humiliated. They kept saying things and then having to take them back. Eventually there was no more pretending that anybody knew what the fuck was going on and it turned into a big party. In the middle of a report on “President Elect George W. Bush,” the guy from NPR said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but…” Dan Rather started making weird quips about omelettes. Some expert guy held up a sign to Tom Brokaw and yelled “Florida Florida Florida!” and the whole crew started laughing off camera. Everybody was confused and tired and they started acting like a bunch of drunks.

The party has toned down as it’s turned into a bunch of court cases and announcements and pretending to have planning meetings. But it’s still fun knowing that these fuckers are running around with their heads chopped off knowing that in a best case scenario, they’re gonna get the head sewed back on but they’re still gonna look wrong.

Unfortunately all this fun has to end eventually. No doubt some president or other will be chosen one of these days and the symbolism’s gonna go right down the fucking toilet. Now I am by NO means a supporter of that democrat in the turtleneck, however I am even more disgusted by the notion of the drunk from texas winning the belt.

Now even you republicans, think about this from the Poet’s point of view for a second. How it looks to us members of the metaphorical party. What are the chances that the guy who is the right candidate for president JUST HAPPENS TO BE the son of some other jackass that was president before.

It seems to me the chances are slim. But regardless, we’re talking about the symbols here, people. I never liked the clinton dude that is president right now I believe but if you buy into the idea of clinton, it’s not a bad story. Some hillbilly from a broken family works hard, ties together his bootstraps or whatever, and goes all the way to getting blowjobs in the white house, etc.

The story of this george fellow is a little less inspirational. It’s the story of some rich asshole getting high paying jobs for all his retarded sons. “Just taking over the family business I guess. Remember when dad invaded panama, ha ha that was hilarious. Not to be too introspective but maybe I get some of it from my father, you know how I like to execute all those black dudes. Ha ha. Good times boys, good times. ”

(paraphrase)

A guy like this, if you ask me, he deserves to be called president for one hour and then thrown out on his ass. But his dad was the head of the CIA. He knows there are other options.

I don’t know which one of these idiots actually won. Sounds like it was probaly the democrat, otherwise why would the republicans be asking in all seriousness to stop the vote before all of them have been counted?

But right now they’re having a media war and a court battle to take over the country. They’re both attempting a bureacratic coup. And that’s not fucking democracy! I sure hope americans don’t just bend over and take it. Which is my way of using anal rape as a metaphor for standing up for what you believe in. or is standing up also a metaphor hell I don’t know I’m only a beginning poet. But anyway.

Whichever jackass wins of course is gonna pretend like the american people chose him. Knowing very well that we chose him just as much as a homeless guy chose to eat some stale pizza crusts he found in the garbage.

And I gotta say that those few of us in this small community of americans who like to watch movies, listen to music or enjoy entertainment, are in trouble this time. Ever since that caper in Colorado these politicians have been going ape shit. Knowing that blaming the matrix = making dumb people smile. which is what they’re all about.

The democrat is not going to do us right. His wife if I remember right is tipper gore. Some of you may be too young to know about this gal but back in the ’80s her daughter found out about masturbation from a Prince album. And this was the beginning of a crusade. Tipper started the Parent’s Music Resource Center which was a gang of politician’s wives who go around complaining about Prince. They staged some embarrassing senate hearings and came very close to instituting a ratings system for music just like they have up the ass of movies right now. They caused the “explicit lyrics” stickers claiming they are voluntary but forcing malls to evict any stores that didn’t use them.

Meanwhile you got the democratic vice president dude who is basically the tipper gore of movies. Every year he is proud to present the Cultural Garbage awards, which is basically the same as the Outlaw Awards except he’s saying the movies are bad instead of good. He is one of these people who goes to movies to right down the parts he was offended by and send them out to his friends.

There has been alot of talk from the democrats saying “look parents, don’t worry. We are going to stop your kids from playing video games. We are going to make sure that no movies with action or romance ever make it to the big screen legally. Hollywood is fucked, we promise. We love you.”

But then the republicans say “no, don’t listen to those shitwads. They don’t really believe in censorship the way we do. They’re just saying it. We’re not even saying it. We’re just knowing it. We’re going to do it and not even to impress you. Hell we’re gonna get a huge boner from doing it. It’s gonna be awesome. give me five.”

(source: CNN)

Obviously there are bigger problems to worry about than having all of our fun ruined. God only knows what country the democrat is gonna want to invade. And there are plenty of black dudes outside of texas that probaly don’t want to deal with the republican and his executing and what not. I mean these are real problems. But still. this is a column about movies so I felt it should be mentioned. that is all.

I know you’re all sick of the politics and I’m sorry to give you more of it in my column here but I got a plan here. The idea is that by the time a president is elected, everybody will be so sick of hearing about it that they won’t even pay attention to who won. And then after everyone ignores him for a while he’ll go home and leave everybody alone.

I mean it’s worth a try anyway.

thanks citizens,

Vern

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 6th, 2000 at 3:09 pm and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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