Archive for September, 2000

Man stuff

Monday, September 25th, 2000

I remember there used to be women who read my column. I won’t say their names but there was a nice gal from the newsgroups who was an early supporter of my works. Nother one from the web sight for the director of Running Time, that Bruce Campbell movie all done up in one shot like Rope. She used to write me all the time, very encouraging, very supportive.

I haven’t heard from any women in a while, and I wonder if I’m scaring them away with all this man talk. All this Badass Cinema, all this Bruce and Clint and breaking people’s legs and bending punks over and smoking motherfuckers. Balls and dicks. Man stuff.

Well I hope some day my sensitive side will return, I’ll lay off of the macho for a little while and I’ll get a little more genderifical diversity in my readership. I mean who the fuck knows, even Clint Eastwood directed The Bridges of Madison County one time.

Sorry though ladies, this is not that column. Because today I’ve been pondering a question that only a fucking man would ever wonder about. The question is:

What does it mean to be a man?

Seriously people, don’t laugh. There are alot of reasons I ask this question. One reason is the pair of TV specials that were on last week, that honored two icons of Badass Cinema from two different generations, Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood. I look at a guy like Bruce, and especially a guy like Clint, and I have to wonder – what is it that I see in this guy that I want to see in myself? Why are these two actors such models of manhood to me? That’s one of the reasons why I ask this question, what does it mean to be a man? The main reason I ask is because of how, earlier today, I got double penetrated.

So uh, this column isn’t gonna be pretty folks. I hope you’re sitting down. I hope you’re not eating. You’re really gonna wish you didn’t read this one. (more…)

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Almost Famous (revenge of the Ain’t It Cool Newsies)

Monday, September 18th, 2000

So the big movie right now is Almost Famous. A nicely crafted ’70s epic about a 15 year old kid named William who writes music reviews, and ends up having Rolling Stone magazine foot the bill for him to go on tour with a major rock band, to write an article. Written and directed by Cameron Crowe, for whom most of this shit REALLY went down, it is obviously a movie that is very close to his heart.

In a way it’s kind of a pisser that THIS would be the cherished personal project for a director. This guy is saying hey everybody, when I was fifteen I fell in love with one of the many beautiful groupies I had sex with on the national tour I went on with a famous rock band. But then we didn’t get together. Bummer, eh?

It’s kind of like on that radio talk show Loveline, when they get what they call a “my dick is too big to ride my bicycle” call. Where it is really more bragging than questioning.

But still, this is an interesting story and it’s well made so it’s hard not to get involved. The movie is like what they call “a love letter to rock ‘n roll” especially in the opening scenes where a younger version of William has his awe struck first confrontation with The Who’s Tommy on vinyl. Or when his older sister, who by the way hubba hubba, runs off to become a stewardess and she tells her mom “This song explains why I’m leaving” and plays some song that, shit I don’t know what the hell the guy is singing about but apparently it communicates all of her emotions better than a conversation could. Because that’s rock ‘n roll.

I’m sure you’ve heard alot of good things about this picture, and it deserves most of them. But think about it. What critic is NOT going to give four stars to a well made movie about a critic. Who goes on tour with a rock band. And gets gang raped by a bunch of hot, giggly girls. And learns that he doesn’t have to be cool to be cool. (more…)

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Badass Movie Ballot

Monday, September 11th, 2000

Well here it is, friends. If there are ANY regular readers out there you might be happy to know that the time has finally arrived for finalizing the World Badass Committee’s Top 100 Badass Pictures of All Time list. This is a project that I started way back in Vern Tell’s It lIke It Is #38, when I asked:

So please my friends, ladies and fellas, send me your top Badass movies of all time. The definition is up to you. You can send me as many as you want, except not over 100. Please try to have them in approximate ranking order (your favorite first) and put the name of the Badass performer in parentheses afterwards.

I got many responses, and believe me people I am very grateful. And most of you came up with some great ones. I was happy to get a lot of votes for individuals like Clint, Steve McQueen, the Bruces, etc. However you can’t say my readers aren’t worldly. There were many contenders of many nationalities, and from all eras including many movies I never even heard of. I believe Toshiro Mifune got more of his movies on there than Schwarzenegger or Van Damme. That motherfucker really is popular with you guys.

Anyway, I would really like to apologize for taking so god damned long to get to the second round of voting here, but unfortunately it just ain’t my fault. So I ain’t saying shit.

Look, I’m not a professional at listing. This is my first time for lists. I mean I suppose I’ve made lists before but this is the first one I’m really trying to make count. This is the big time. (more…)

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Labor Day – interview with the porn man

Monday, September 4th, 2000

Hey guys how’s it goin sorry about last week’s column. SOMEBODY woke up on the wrong side of the bed, huh? Jesus.

This week I thought I would do something kinda special in honor of the Labor Day holiday. In honor of the people. You see, there are many individuals in the world, but the ones I feel the strongest for are the working men and women. The people who bust their ass muscles every day, usually for some asshole in a tie or for some soulless corporation. Or even better, there are the people who work hard and don’t get much respect and don’t get paid shit, but in a field they are passionate about. And not working for a chain, or for the man. For some ma an pa type business is what they call it, a small locally owned place.

To me it is very important to support these type of businesses because they aren’t part of this bigger is better, let’s control the world type attitude. I don’t want some fucker in indiana or some place telling his people to tell their people to tell their district managers to tell their general managers to tell their assistant managers to tell their employees that they’ll get fired if they don’t wear the right color of slacks for now on. And I DEFINITELY don’t want that same fucknut making creative type decisions about what foods I want to eat, what movies I want to see in a theater or rent at home. Because chances are that individual didn’t count on a motherfucker like Vern ever coming along.

Well I’m here asshole. Look out. (more…)

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