So once again we have survived.

God damn it stop talking about Survivor

Man, is it just me or is everybody else SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT FUCKING SURVIVOR!?

I never even SEEN the fucking show I still gotta be treated like it’s the dearest thing to my heart. The one thing that makes me a man. The very center of my religion. I get up in the morning, my clock radio’s telling me about Survivor. I turn on Good Morning America or Today Show or some shit, they got a panel of experts talking about how they kept the ending a secret, what are they gonna do now, interview some naked guy that was on the show, interview some gal’s dad, show clips from last night’s episode of Dave Letterman where they also interviewed the same retards about the same boring bullshit.

And is that unfortunate or what, to have a fine comedian like dave letterman forced to spend half his show talking about some other show the network is trying to promote. I bet the cbs suits had meetings all about it, and they probaly came up with a catchy name for the format, like comedmercial or infolaffs or synerhilarity. It’s too bad entertainment tonight is a syndicated program instead of a cbs program. Wouldn’t it be beautiful to hear, “Coming up later on ET, we have an exclusive preview of tomorrow night’s ET, where we will show a clip from tonight’s episode of David Letterman, where Dave will discuss yesterday’s episode of Survivor. But first, Jim J. Bullock’s tragic allergies that almost brought his Survivor watching to a premature end.”

Look, I don’t give a fuck if some jackass ate a rat and then they took a vote and somebody got kicked off or whatever. I care about that garbage exactly as much as I care about Pokeyman or Harry Potter or ninja turtles. ZILCH. And as an american citizen I believe I have a right to not hear about that bullshit. This is a country of individuals. Individuals who are able to revel in their own hobbies, their own passions. Individuals who do not want to hear about fucking survivor. STOP fucking talking about fucking Survivor!

I tried to stay out of this but I just can’t hold it in anymore. I’ve had enough. I tried not to mention the reality tv. Everybody else is talking about the reality tv, why do I have to add to the pile. But the reality tv had to pull a home invasion. And a man’s home is a man’s castle, if I can’t keep you out of my home I’m going to AT THE VERY LEAST write a column complaining about you. Asshole.

Fuck you.

A while back I wrote a column about the topic of America’s elbow grease, or lack thereof. This is one of the cultural problems that all americans are facing, is getting up off their lazy asses and doing something. Anything.

But every fucking year something like this comes along, some jackass gets lazy and unimaginative and hits a jackpot, and then every other fucker or degenerate in hollywood spends the next six months trying to copy it.

So one asshole imports a japanese cartoon, every other asshole imports a japanese cartoon. One guy makes an american version of some british game show, and then everybody else does it.

A fucking game show! No more characters, no more stories. Just trivia. Cancel the other shows. make room for more geography quizzes.

Now they go to the next level. No, importing game shows is too much trouble. Let’s import the concept of putting a bunch of retards on an island and taping them. Or in a house. And next it’s gonna be on a boat and in a closet and on top of a flagpole.

It’s not even like it’s minimalism or Dogme 95 or some shit. These are high budget shows. They spend alot of money on a lot of nothing. Jesus you fuckers if you’re gonna do this do it right. Set up a camcorder on a piece of bamboo, give those fuckers one piece of meat, sharpen their teeth and let ’em loose. None of this high tech bullshit and corporate synergy and catch phrases. Is that your final answer? Do you wanna use a lifeline? Do you wanna shove this fad up your ass? Do it on the cheap. It will be more real, and you can use the extra money to hire Richard Pryor to write a new movie for Clint Eastwood and Chris Tucker to do together.

Believe me those shows are gonna start fucking like rabbits. Or multiplying or whatever the saying goes. I know any second now it’s gonna get personal, they’re gonna do a prison themed show and it’s gonna be on. They’re gonna get a bunch of white collar fucks in orange jumpsuits and see what it’s “really” like to be in lockup. Even if they try to hire me as a celebrity judge or a consultant or something I’m gonna just give ’em the royal salute. But they’re gonna do it anyway and it’ll probaly be called SHANK or something and then every talk show in the world is gonna make 8 jokes per episode about “Where is the anal rape on this show? Ha ha ha get it how cynical I am.”

They already tried a high school show, a new orleans show. They’ve had a cop show for years, and a border patrol. They’re planning a run across the country show and a make your own movie show and I’m sure every other kind of show that they already do in europe they’ll do here under a hipper name. Before you know it there will be so much reality on tv that reality will start turning into tv shows. People will start acting out their favorite episodes of the A-Team or Green Hornet or whatever, and they’ll make a reality show about people who act out episodes of green hornet, and then people will act out the episodes of that.

And after a while we’ll get tired of reality-tv and tv-reality and tv-reality-reality-tv. And everywhere we’ll look we’ll see magazines and tv shows and web sights and watercooler conversations about what happened on this episode about what happened in that episode of the show about people remembering episodes of green hornet. And a few of us who haven’t been swept up in the fad, we’ll be crying for the return of the fucking sitcom. OH JESUS PLEASE give us some show about a bunch of beautiful people and a gay guy who work at a magazine and toss snappy insults at each other. At least some idiot has to WRITE that garbage. PLEASE LORD I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO STOP WATCHING THESE PEOPLE VOTING EACH OTHER OFF.

And in six months time the fad will have dropped dead like a zombie thrown off a bridge and everyone will feel safe again and people will laugh at the idea that those reality shows were ever popular. Ha ha, it was 2000, that was what was popular then. Ha ha.

But it will be out there. Waiting. Growing. Planning its arrival. The next fad. The one that is worse than the reality shows, that was worse than the game shows, that was worse than whatever was before that that was worse than what was before that. It goes in a cycle and the cycle is pointed straight down the commode.

Sorry to end on a bummer people, but… flush. We don’t have a culture anymore, we just have leftovers from some other culture, that we picked out of the garbage. And if Survivor is the best you guys can find, you better pick another dumpster.

–Vern

P.S. stick it up your ass assholes

P.P.S. Not my readers, I am talking to Survivor when I say stick it up your ass assholes

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Monday, August 28th, 2000 at 1:18 pm and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

7 Responses to “God damn it stop talking about Survivor”

  1. Vern is a little bitch. Little cry baby. Man up and and enough of your little whining about a show that you have never seen never mind even understood. Crawl back u see your rock and stay there. We don’t need not care about your useless opinion.

  2. James Bond – I care to disagree, you came to our hosts website and specifically looked up a piece he wrote seventeen years ago, obviously his opinion on the matter interests you somewhat.
    I care about his opinions, I imagine most folks who visit and engage do as well, that’s why we come.
    I’m not a big fan of 007 but I’m pretty flummoxed that he has an opinion on survivor, I figure he’d be too busy with his taste for bourgie cocktails , high stakes poker, and predatory sexual behaviour, to care one way or another.

  3. Oh and a Good Friday to you all, whether or not you follow the tenants of Judaism – Christianity or not, I hope you all get to enjoy a day off or at least are getting paid a significantly higher wage today for your efforts.

  4. I have to admire JB’s comment, sometimes I think of the perfect comeback but don’t do it because the moment passes but God damn if he was going to let that stop him here.

    17 years later, he comes back with the ultimate killer bon mot:

    “Man up”

    God, imagine how satisfying it must have been to cluck “submit comment” after dropping a bomb like that?

    That’s some Count of Monte Cristo shit.

    Hopefully Vern won’t shut down the site after such a brutal intellectual beatdown.

    You’ll get past this, Vern. You’ll never be the same, nobody’s that strong, but you’ll learn to live with it.

    We’re here for you buddy.

  5. He coulda just wrote “First.”

  6. I honestly forgot Survivor still existed. I must’ve sounded so out of touch to that guy complaining about reality TV like it was a new thing. I wonder if he could tell it was a pre-9-11 attitude. I mean, he is replying to a post that was written when Bill Clinton was still president!

  7. When I clicked on this, I honestly thought it was a new article about that stupid Survivor trans outing bullshit.

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