Man, is it just me or is everybody else SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT FUCKING SURVIVOR!?
I never even SEEN the fucking show I still gotta be treated like it’s the dearest thing to my heart. The one thing that makes me a man. The very center of my religion. I get up in the morning, my clock radio’s telling me about Survivor. I turn on Good Morning America or Today Show or some shit, they got a panel of experts talking about how they kept the ending a secret, what are they gonna do now, interview some naked guy that was on the show, interview some gal’s dad, show clips from last night’s episode of Dave Letterman where they also interviewed the same retards about the same boring bullshit.
And is that unfortunate or what, to have a fine comedian like dave letterman forced to spend half his show talking about some other show the network is trying to promote. I bet the cbs suits had meetings all about it, and they probaly came up with a catchy name for the format, like comedmercial or infolaffs or synerhilarity. It’s too bad entertainment tonight is a syndicated program instead of a cbs program. Wouldn’t it be beautiful to hear, “Coming up later on ET, we have an exclusive preview of tomorrow night’s ET, where we will show a clip from tonight’s episode of David Letterman, where Dave will discuss yesterday’s episode of Survivor. But first, Jim J. Bullock’s tragic allergies that almost brought his Survivor watching to a premature end.”
Look, I don’t give a fuck if some jackass ate a rat and then they took a vote and somebody got kicked off or whatever. I care about that garbage exactly as much as I care about Pokeyman or Harry Potter or ninja turtles. ZILCH. And as an american citizen I believe I have a right to not hear about that bullshit. This is a country of individuals. Individuals who are able to revel in their own hobbies, their own passions. Individuals who do not want to hear about fucking survivor. STOP fucking talking about fucking Survivor!
I tried to stay out of this but I just can’t hold it in anymore. I’ve had enough. I tried not to mention the reality tv. Everybody else is talking about the reality tv, why do I have to add to the pile. But the reality tv had to pull a home invasion. And a man’s home is a man’s castle, if I can’t keep you out of my home I’m going to AT THE VERY LEAST write a column complaining about you. Asshole.
A while back I wrote a column about the topic of America’s elbow grease, or lack thereof. This is one of the cultural problems that all americans are facing, is getting up off their lazy asses and doing something. Anything.
But every fucking year something like this comes along, some jackass gets lazy and unimaginative and hits a jackpot, and then every other fucker or degenerate in hollywood spends the next six months trying to copy it.
So one asshole imports a japanese cartoon, every other asshole imports a japanese cartoon. One guy makes an american version of some british game show, and then everybody else does it.
A fucking game show! No more characters, no more stories. Just trivia. Cancel the other shows. make room for more geography quizzes.
Now they go to the next level. No, importing game shows is too much trouble. Let’s import the concept of putting a bunch of retards on an island and taping them. Or in a house. And next it’s gonna be on a boat and in a closet and on top of a flagpole.
It’s not even like it’s minimalism or Dogme 95 or some shit. These are high budget shows. They spend alot of money on a lot of nothing. Jesus you fuckers if you’re gonna do this do it right. Set up a camcorder on a piece of bamboo, give those fuckers one piece of meat, sharpen their teeth and let ’em loose. None of this high tech bullshit and corporate synergy and catch phrases. Is that your final answer? Do you wanna use a lifeline? Do you wanna shove this fad up your ass? Do it on the cheap. It will be more real, and you can use the extra money to hire Richard Pryor to write a new movie for Clint Eastwood and Chris Tucker to do together.
Believe me those shows are gonna start fucking like rabbits. Or multiplying or whatever the saying goes. I know any second now it’s gonna get personal, they’re gonna do a prison themed show and it’s gonna be on. They’re gonna get a bunch of white collar fucks in orange jumpsuits and see what it’s “really” like to be in lockup. Even if they try to hire me as a celebrity judge or a consultant or something I’m gonna just give ’em the royal salute. But they’re gonna do it anyway and it’ll probaly be called SHANK or something and then every talk show in the world is gonna make 8 jokes per episode about “Where is the anal rape on this show? Ha ha ha get it how cynical I am.”
They already tried a high school show, a new orleans show. They’ve had a cop show for years, and a border patrol. They’re planning a run across the country show and a make your own movie show and I’m sure every other kind of show that they already do in europe they’ll do here under a hipper name. Before you know it there will be so much reality on tv that reality will start turning into tv shows. People will start acting out their favorite episodes of the A-Team or Green Hornet or whatever, and they’ll make a reality show about people who act out episodes of green hornet, and then people will act out the episodes of that.
And after a while we’ll get tired of reality-tv and tv-reality and tv-reality-reality-tv. And everywhere we’ll look we’ll see magazines and tv shows and web sights and watercooler conversations about what happened on this episode about what happened in that episode of the show about people remembering episodes of green hornet. And a few of us who haven’t been swept up in the fad, we’ll be crying for the return of the fucking sitcom. OH JESUS PLEASE give us some show about a bunch of beautiful people and a gay guy who work at a magazine and toss snappy insults at each other. At least some idiot has to WRITE that garbage. PLEASE LORD I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO STOP WATCHING THESE PEOPLE VOTING EACH OTHER OFF.
And in six months time the fad will have dropped dead like a zombie thrown off a bridge and everyone will feel safe again and people will laugh at the idea that those reality shows were ever popular. Ha ha, it was 2000, that was what was popular then. Ha ha.
But it will be out there. Waiting. Growing. Planning its arrival. The next fad. The one that is worse than the reality shows, that was worse than the game shows, that was worse than whatever was before that that was worse than what was before that. It goes in a cycle and the cycle is pointed straight down the commode.
Sorry to end on a bummer people, but… flush. We don’t have a culture anymore, we just have leftovers from some other culture, that we picked out of the garbage. And if Survivor is the best you guys can find, you better pick another dumpster.
P.S. stick it up your ass assholes
P.P.S. Not my readers, I am talking to Survivor when I say stick it up your ass assholes
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.